adultery, affair, cheating, deceit, divorce, office romance, separation

The Other Other Woman

In Feburary 2013, I suspected that my husband might be having an affair. This was less than 2 weeks before I found the evidence.

There was only one female adjuster working in his office with him. She is young, attractive, and probably in her late 20’s when I first met her. It was 2012. She had a baby and was only just starting back to work on a part-time basis after her maternity leave. There was an afternoon barbecue being held at one of the business partner’s home. She left her baby sleeping in the car in the driveway while she came in to visit. She left to go out on a claim about an hour later and then came back afterwards without the baby.

The second time I met her was at another function at the same partner’s home. Her husband was with her this time. She talked to me quite a bit. I remember thinking that she seemed like a good step mom to her husband’s first child based on everything she was telling me that she did for this child. I asked my husband after the party what he thought of her and his comment was odd. He said, “If we had children together they would have bad skin.” I never noticed her bad skin but my husband has a scarred face from acne. He obviously had given thought to having children with her.

After that, I found her to be a bit cocky. She called me by an incorrect name which was joke from a previous party when I told her that another adjuster in their office kept calling me Bonnie. She took it to the point of being disrespectful and she did it in front my husband. He laughed in support of her.

Then when I took cupcakes into their office in February 2013 for another adjuster who was just diagnosed with cancer (he had asked me specifically about these cupcakes before his diagnosis so when I was near this bakery I decided to go in and buy him some). The female adjuster saw me and called to me from her office, “I am just on the phone with your hubby.” He was on Salt Spring Island. I thought it odd that he was out on a claim and calling her. I was certain she was the one he was having the affair with and they might very well have been also.

Shortly after my separation I was told that she and her husband separated also. Then in July 2013 I learned that she had slept with one of my ex’s business partners. I told my ex that when he drove my daughter and me (a weird and rare gesture because I had a flat tire) to my girlfriend’s cabin for the day. My ex said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t know that.”

He didn’t ask me how I knew. He didn’t tell me it was bull-shit and he didn’t lambaste me as he usually does about fabricating some fantasy. He certainly wasn’t surprised or shocked. He must have suspected.

He actually told a mutual friend of ours that his office is like the t.v. series Mad Men where everyone sleeps with everyone. For all I know they all share each other (my ex did share details, shortly after he started to work there, of swinging that went out with one of the couples in his office).

I figured afterwards he was only with Janice because he was looking and she obviously showed interest. The big plus is that she doesn’t have kids. That is an important factor for him.

In October 2013, my daughter was at my ex’s office waiting for him to come back to take her around to sell a fundraising item for her dance. Another lady in the office kindly offered to take her around since my ex was late and I waited in the reception area. I saw that there was an incident occurring in front of this other woman adjuster’s office. The lady taking my daughter around looked at me apologetically. I was told after she was on the phone but she had done something to make my daughter feel very uncomfortable. I was told after by my ex that this female adjuster didn’t want me to come into their office again. I never even saw her. She shouldn’t have even know that I was there. I thought that if she was such a good mom and friend to my husband she would eagerly support my daughter in her fundraising efforts. I feel like her reaction to my daughter’s present was inexplicably over the top. My daughter made the decision then and there that she never wanted to go into my ex’s office again so I really don’t know what she saw this woman do.

After I switched lawyers because the Collaborative process was not working, I found out that my ex referred this other woman to my lawyer for representation. He confirmed that with me. He felt that my lawyer would be a good fit for her. This seemed so bizarre.

Since then my kids have mentioned the other adjuster’s name. My ex talks about her in random ways to them. He told my kids that she worked at Garage and didn’t like the job because she had to tell people they looked good in clothes when they didn’t.

My kids also told me that it was this adjuster who looked after my ex’s fish while he was in Ontario with Janice and our children. They said specifically that she would come by his place with her son to feed Waldo. I got to thinking that she must know what Janice drives since Janice works part-time in their office. She must have seen her vehicle parked on the street if it is was in fact there. She would have noticed if there was any vandalism.

Then I got to thinking that maybe she is the one who vandalized the vehicle if there is a little love triangle going on.

adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation. He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife. I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain. The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did. They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents. The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her. I know my kids are not happy about it. But I know everyone will pretend. This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning. As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following: “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked. He never did get me that information. Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids. I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too. He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates. I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID. My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me. No cheque, no certificates.”

His response: “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response: “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates. This is true. I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case. My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer. I don’t have any of his documents. I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire. I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport. I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport. I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done. I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children. I handled every detail with respect to our trips. He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite. Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates. I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly. I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad. I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late. He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him. I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words. My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it. I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me. It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

cheating, dating, separation

Child’s Perspective

I had lunch together with both of my daughter’s.

My 17-year old commented, “You know, Mom. You should actually thank Janice. She did you a favour by getting dad out your life. You deserve better.”

My 13-year old asked, “Why does dad have to bring Janice to take me out to dinner?”

I didn’t respond.

My older daughter suggested that he just wants Janice to get to know her. My younger daughter said she didn’t want that and finds it so annoying that Janice always tries to bud in on conversations between my girls that have nothing to do with her and they aren’t talking to her.

I just reflected that we used to go out as a family and spend the time knowing what was going on in each others lives. My ex is missing out on so much with my younger daughter’s life and I am missing out on my older daughter’s life as she lives with her dad. Now some other woman is asking what deodorant my daughter wears? And I should thank her?

Reflecting on my younger daughter’s query about the intrusion of another woman on her relationship with her dad makes me sad because what message does she receive when her dad either bails on her for other plans or if he does pick her up after dance on his scheduled Friday and he is alone he just takes her through the McDonalds drive-thru, doesn’t eat with her and just drops her off at home. At least if he brings Janice they take her out to dinner and he gets to spend some time with his daughter even though she feels like an intrusion on their date. Last Friday when they took her out she couldn’t even eat. She had one bite of her pizza while she watched them share a surf and turf salad, a pizza and wine. She brought her pizza home to me to eat. She just needs to share and I listen as much as I would prefer not to know or hear about it.

I no longer do anything to try to make her dad have a relationship with his daughter. If he bails on her; I am there to pick her up. If she choses not to stay at his house she is always welcome here and I am home every night for her. It makes no difference to me if it should be my weekend to have some freedom. If he chooses not to spend quality time with his daughter and build a real relationship with her that is his loss and I will do what I can to make sure she feels wanted, respected and loved. Is it hard to date as a result? Sometimes.

My ex told a friend of ours shortly after we separated that he is not sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children. That is one word he has kept.

Will I be thanking Janice? No. Do I deserve better? Absolutely and so do my children.

divroce, legal process, moving forward, selling the home, separation

Preparing the house to sell

Although my ex agreed in mediation to pay 50% of anything required to get the house ready to sell, he refused to do any work himself and has refused to pay any part of the services that I hired to help get the house market ready.

In mediation, I was instructed to list the house so I starting working with a realtor immediately following our mediation in November 2014. My ex asked me her identity in December and I gave him her information. Then in March he sent a letter through his lawyer indicating that he would only release money from funds we had in trust so I could pay our joint bills and bills my ex is legally responsible to pay, if I did the following:

The family home is listed immediately with Zelko Miokovic of Sutton Group , at a price recommended by him;
10 days after the house has been listed on MLS $5,000 will be released to (my law firm) so long as the realtor reports that your client has fully cooperated with all efforts to sell the home in the past 10 days;
A further 20 days later another $5,000 will be released to (my law firm) so long as the realtor reports that your client has fully cooperated with all efforts to sell the home;
If an offer is received on the family home and is formally accepted by both parties a further $5,000 will be released to (my law firm);
All money released to your client will be accounted for in your client’s share of the division of assets; and
Your client acknowledges that the mediation agreement is valid and that we are following it.

So my ex thinks that I should agree to give up control of selling our home to some agent who, if I agreed to these terms, could recommend some ridiculous low ball selling price and we might not only lose our equity but have to pay back to the bank a mortgage greater than the selling price. In essence he wants this agent to babysit me and he is using this as another tool to try and control me. He also wants me to agree to be responsible for paying all of the joint bills (I asked for the money to pay our property taxes that are now 1 year overdue, his share of the home insurance and to cover bills that my ex agreed in mediation to pay but hasn’t) so if I agreed to this any money I received from these funds to pay joint bills and my ex’s bills would come out of my share of asset division.

A delaying tactic; a control tactic; and he continues to be in breach of the mediation agreement yet wants me to confirm it is a valid agreement `we` are following when I am the only one following it. Wasting money and time to go back and forth between lawyers, incurring interest not paying our bills, losing credit not paying our bills, and it is all pointless and to no benefit. except for him looking to get out of more of his responsibilities.

He did meet with the realtor I have been working with for the past 4 months. The delay in listing was because we had contract work done and they broke blinds. We were waiting for them to be replaced by the contractor and some other work that the realtor suggested be completed before we listed. Interestingly enough, the contractor is one of my ex`s best buddies. He refused to follow up with him to get this work completed even though they had seen each other often during this period.

During the realtor meeting, he yawned, kept looking at his watch, and finally interrupted her saying she needed to cut to the chase, give her recommended number as the listing price so we could sign the papers and be on our way. She was very professional an handled him well. I was cringing at my ex’s rudeness and was reminded of many times I apologized for his behaviour in the past. I actually did start to apologize for his attitude to the realtor but then stopped myself no longer feeling responsible for his actions. No more protecting him from who he really is and no making excuses for his poor behaviour.

The photos have been taken, floor plan completed, the sign is expected to go on the lawn on Tuesday and the listing should be official on Wednesday. I’ll submit the bills for the services I hired and hope that my ex does the right thing for once during this process and be grateful for all the work I did myself and pay for his share of the work that others have done because he refused to do it.

Selling our home is the biggest piece in allowing me to move on and be out from under control of my ex. `Here`s hoping it sells quickly for at least our asking price.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

Florida, loss, separation, single parent, vacation

Life of Pi

Before my husband and I separated, we had a family vacation planned to go to Florida. We were staying with my husband’s parents for 2 weeks in Englewood and then 1 week in Orlando at Disneyworld.

When I discovered my husband’s affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” The trip was planned for 7 days later. The girls and I still went. My older daughter’s friend ended up coming too. It was certainly not a vacation I would have purposely planned being a single parent taking along my two children and one of their friends. I had to get a rental vehicle on my own and we drove from Fort Meyers to Englewood; to Naples to visit some of my family; to Sarasota to visit my girlfriend and then to Orlando. I bought a GPS but it was an exhausting and stressful undertaking and I spent a lot of time lost.

I still hadn’t had any time to grieve the end of my marriage. There was so much to do to get ready for the trip and I had things to do in relation to my separation. I was very grateful for the time away with my kids and we did create some great memories. Two of my closest friends from Ontario even came down to see me while I was there to offer their support and I got to spend time with one of my best friends who lives in Sarasota.

On the plane ride home I watched the movie ‘Life of Pi’. I remember the words and the scene that left me sobbing uncontrollably. Yann Martel writes, “I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart.”

Nothing sums out how I feel any better than this. This was my exact experience.

cheating, infidelity, Love, separation, Valentine's Day

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today represents one year exactly since I last had sex with my husband. Last year, he brought me home a dozen long-stem, red roses. He gave each of our daughters a rose as well. I made a nice dinner of horseradish encrusted salmon–a dish I had never made before but one that my husband loved and ordered every time we went to the Blues Bayou Café for dinner. I bought him some fancy flavoured massage oil/lubricants. We exchanged cards, drank wine and enjoyed a chocolaty, rich, decadent dessert.

I had no idea that night would be the last night we would be intimate together. I remember it though. I said to him afterwards, “Who were you having sex with because it wasn’t me?” He faltered slightly, paused, but not enough that it meant anything obvious to me. He said, “No…, I was having sex with you.” He didn’t ask me why I asked that question but for me our sex that night was raunchier than usual. He was more aggressive, verbal, dominant; it was noticeably different.

Since then, I haven’t held hands with anyone; kissed anyone or even had anyone in my mind to fantasize about. I am still married; not legally separated; and although I am taking the legal steps to move forward with my life I am not ready mentally, emotionally, physically, financially or morally to engage in another relationship on any level.

Today marks a passage of time that has gone by very quickly. It really does seem like yesterday when we were last together. I wonder how many times he has had sex in the last year; what it is like for him; has he learned any new tricks; discovered new pleasures; participated in kinkier things than he ever did with me. Has he had more adventure, experienced better orgasms, explored different positions? Has he had more than 1 partner, multiple partners at the same time and does he ever feel like he is still cheating on me? I wonder if he ever misses having sex with me. I wonder if he feels empty when he lies in bed after the act is completed or did he feel empty after being with me and now someone else makes him feel more alive. All futile thoughts and wasted energy because I will never know the answers to any of those questions.

Abstinence does not make my heart grow fonder for my husband. On the contrary, it makes me firm in my position that I cannot imagine being with him intimately again. When I see him, I can’t even look at his face. I cannot stand to be in his presence. It is more than uncomfortable; it is unbearable. And yet, I would have loved him to have sent roses for Valentine’s Day. I would have loved him to have sent a sincere, heart-felt, “I’m sorry” letter outlining how remorseful, regrettable and miserable his life has been since cheating on me and being separated from me. Instead I am wondering how he is showing his girlfriend his love for her on Valentine’s Day.

13, Collaborative Family Law, divorce, flu, God, litigation, New Year's Eve, resolutions, Schindler's List, separation

Happy New Year?

I think I shed more tears on New Year’s Eve than I did throughout the entire 2013. I guess I was finally ready to grieve a year that will go down in my history as the year my marriage ended.

Number 13 was never unlucky to me previously. Now it not only marks a horrible year but it was the day my husband quoted in a text I saw from him to the other woman that said he could feel the sexual tension in documents she sent him even though they were sent prior to December 13. I will remember the 13th as the date he said their relationship, on some level, started. That was the day they attended a client party hosted by their company.

It has been more than a year they have been seeing each other. That is how I can mark that time flies. It is still so fresh for me that I wouldn’t believe any time passed at all if not for the celebration of a new year. My divorce still seems no closer. I switched lawyers to allow me to pursue the litigation route. The Collaborative Process did not work. There is no penalty for failure to complete required documents, failure to produce proof of income and proof of expenses, or failure to comply with agreements made in the four-ways meetings involving me and my husband and both our lawyers. There are no time guidelines so one party can just drag, delay and avoid at the expense of the other. 7 months and $7500 was a huge waste of time and money resources, and that was only my bill, just to find myself in the same position I was in when the process started–no financial assistance and no separation agreement.

I know that my petition for divorce and my request for spousal and child support was filed in the court on November 26, 2013. Although embarrassing for my husband but satisfying to me for my husband be served divorce papers at his work, his lawyer was provided the notice instead to save on costs. I know his lawyer received the documents and said he would serve his client (my husband) with them. He also asked my lawyer where she saw the file going. I did not expect to hear anything before Christmas but my new year’s resolution is to get this settled on all levels so I can freely move on.

There is always the hope of what a new year can bring. I had a ticket to spend New Year’s Eve with friends seeing The Timebenders. We were going to have a lovely dinner first and then dance, laugh and probably drink some champagne on our way into 2014. Instead I am home alone, with the flu, peeing everytime I have a deep coughing fit, sweating and shivering on the couch watching True Hollywood stories that help me think my life could be worse if I were Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Paula Dean, or Sarah Palin. My champagne was Schindler’s List. I had never wanted to see it but tonight I felt I could. The tears really started flowing during the liquidation of the ghetto when I saw the little girl with the red coat, standing out in a black & white film, running for her life while people are gunned down around her, no parent to hold her hand, to offer her comfort or to try and protect her.

Crying and coughing, I sat on the toilet so the pee could flow there instead of into a pad and I just stayed. It was my scared dog that came in and broke my attention away from me. He was shaking. Then I heard the fireworks, the air horn, and I got off the toilet and looked out the window. It was midnight and people were celebrating. I cried for another 20 minutes then went back to watch the movie. The little girl in the red coat found an open door and got off the street. Hope for somewhere safe. Others who had been hiding though were discovered and killed.

Maybe 13 won’t be unlucky. There is always the possibility that what seems terrible at the time has some grander purpose for the better. Maybe the future will reveal that the number 13 was actually my lucky day; my lucky year, because so much more fulfillment comes or I am saved from something that I just don’t see or understand yet.

In Schindler’s List I come to the part where they have to exhume bodies and burn them. There on a cart being carried to be burned with the others is the body of the little girl in the red coat. For what grand purpose did that happen? For what grand purpose was the war; the holocaust; the near extermination of an entire race?

What I have to hold on to when I feel like I am running all alone for my life in the chaos of gun shots and fear, is my deep core value that God is in control. He loves me; He has a plan for me; He won’t be mocked and if He is for me, who can be against me? I trust in that over any understanding or lack of understanding regarding my circumstances. I go crazy if I start to focus on the “why?” because there is no answer. I have to just believe that good will triumph evil. I believe there is a grand plan and I am a part of it in some way that I don’t understand now.

cheating, children, control, deceitfulness, family, father/daughter, infidelity, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, parenting, property disposal, relationships, separation, threats

Husband gets a lawyer

On March 4, 2013 @ 12:23 p.m. my husband sends me the following email:

“I’ve sent your email to my lawyer and you have no legal right to do anything with my belongings. You will be receiving a letter today which will be a cease and desist order. When I’ve got my accommodations sorted out I will pick up the remaining contents.”

I received an e-mail from his lawyer on March 4, 2013 @ 2:33 p.m. stating the following:

“Please be advised that we represent (husband). It has come to our attention that you have been removing and disposing of his personal property. This action needs to stop immediately. My client has been attempting to reasonably vacate the premises in an orderly and cooperative manner. He is still an owner of the property and there is no reason that his property needs to be removed in anything but a reasonable manner. My client simply needs a reasonable amount of time to find another place and he can collect his belongings once that happens.”

I respond by e-mail to my husband’s lawyer on March 5, 2013 @ 8:02 a.m. with a copy to my husband:

“None of (husband’s) property has ever been disposed. As a matter of fact, I rescued his Arsenal hat from the garbage. When I asked my daughter why daddy’s hat was in the garbage she said, “Because the slut was wearing it in the photo.” My daughter also said she couldn’t believe that I packed up his belongings so nicely in boxes and bags and placed everything in a neat and organized manner and easy location inside the house for him to access. She also was upset that I gave him “everything” instead of keeping some things that she thought should be ours to keep. When (husband) was not able to pick up very many items, we just had them delivered to the building in which he is an owner and where he claims to spend most of his time. The items were delivered shortly before he arrives at the office, well labeled, well protected and sheltered.

He was asked to pick up the rest of his items while I was at the house and to give me advanced notice. This is because it is not appropriate for him to be walking around the premises when someone is not here and removing items without my knowledge. Furthermore, my children have been very traumatized by his appearances at the house.

While I was at a school function last night with my older daughter, we both received frantic texts and phone calls that my younger daughter was “freaking out” because (husband) was at the house when we weren’t there and without our knowledge or permission. She was sure he was “stealing” our dog. When he was at our house the first time, my daughter called to me frantically saying that daddy came to the house 30 minutes before he was supposed to be there. She didn’t want to be there and she didn’t want the dog to be there when he arrived. She was hiding because she didn’t want him to see her. She was shaking because she needed to leave the house so I had to help her go out the front door with the dog and to just keep walking and not look back. She had her friend call another mom to come over because s he was afraid of what her dad might do to me. She called me on the phone 45 minutes later asking why he was still at the house saying his truck position had moved and was backed up to the garage and she was sure he was taking my things that are in the garage to dump because he always threatened to do this. Although I assured her that her daddy wouldn’t be wasting his time doing that now, the thoughts that have been going through my children’s heads are real to them.

Both my children are not sleeping, have been missing school since Friday and are incredibly anxious, emotional, scared and worried. It is upsetting to my older daughter that her dad didn’t come to her school last night to hear about her Experiential Learning Program that she is going to be a part of this upcoming term and that he chose not to be involved in parent/teacher interviews. It is even more upsetting to her that he used that opportunity while we were out of the house to do yet another thing that she considers to be deceitful. She is terrified to be at the house by herself because she thinks he is going to come by and/or try to contact her.

It appears that (husband) came through the house and did take the rest of his items. There doesn’t appear to be anything left in the garage that belongs to him. I trust that there will be no reason for him to come by our home again unannounced. If there is something that he might need in the future that he thinks he left here, I will be happy to try and locate that item and leave it outside our home at a time convenient to us both for him to retrieve this.”

The only response I received was from my husband on March 5, 2013 @ 8:24 a.m. by e-mail:

“Do you think (my lawyer) cares about my Arsenal hat or any of the other drivel that you put in the email? The simple fact is you have no right to restrict my access to the house to get, store or use my belongings. I am a legal owner of the property and am entitled to any of the benefits that an owner may enjoy.

I am trying to be nice and accommodating to you. But when you threaten to throw out my belongings on the driveway or leave them out front my office that is not rational or acceptable. So I went and got most of my things. There are still others that I will retrieve when I am able.

Stop using the kids in this process. Stop making them feel insecure and hiding them in the house and allowing crazy irrational behaviours. You are perpetuating things that aren’t real and that is simply unacceptable. You are attempting to punish me through the kids and that is petty, childish and frankly wrong. You can either start to accept what has happened, move forward and start to work with me or I will retain legal counsel to commence action for my rights to the kids. Take your pick.”

cheating, control, debt, deceitfulness, family, infidelity, legal proceedings, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

My emotions start spilling out

On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:

“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”

I respond at 9:27 a.m.: “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”

He responds at 9:37 a.m.:

“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about. What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on. I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response. I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office. If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward. I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt. Really makes you look petty in the long run.

Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you. Are you open to this?

My response at 11:21 a.m.:

“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want. We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else. So here is my “chat”.

Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me. I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house. You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank. If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place. You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever. If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on. If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family. And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my health. Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others. Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had. You are the petty one in the long and short run.

I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible. If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.

So let’s try this again:

I want your stuff gone from our house. You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time. I will have everything in the driveway for you. Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary. There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience. You can get a storage unit. I will no longer be your storage unit for anything. I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me. Do not come earlier and do not come later.

You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc. I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc. It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.

I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information. If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement. That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”

(my name)

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: separation