adultery, affair, cheating, child support, divorce, legal system, mediation, separation agreement, settlement agreement, spousal support

Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

“’cause it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.”
Any Other World-Mika

I don’t get it. I didn’t have the affair. My ex is still with the other woman. Shouldn’t he be happy? He has moved on and has ended pretty much every email to me over the last 2 plus years telling me to move on. Then why won’t he let me move on? Why will he not do the right thing? Why will he not give me a fair separation agreement we can both live with? He is doing anything to avoid having to pay me spousal and child support and divide our assets fairly. Why does he refuse, ignore, deny, delay, and avoid his obligations to provide documentation to his lawyer so his lawyer can get it to my lawyer. His lawyer is a personal friend. Shouldn’t there be some pride to want to show your friend you are good person; a responsible person? His lawyer is frustrated, too. Shouldn’t my ex just feel slightly bad for his actions (adultery, cheating, lying, deception, tearing family apart) that he want at the very least a fair settlement for me and his children? Shouldn’t his conscience really make him want to err on the side of generous? Not even close.

My lawyer has sent correspondence to me over the last 2 months confirming that she has “AGAIN” asked my ex’s lawyer to provide his 2014 full tax return; confirmation he has life insurance and if he won’t get it his position in writing for the lowball amount ($450,000 less than he had before we separated)that he says he will get (was supposed to be in place in November 2014 as per the mediation agreement) so we can return to the mediator for a ruling; confirmation that he is going to pay me the expenses he agreed to cover at our November 6, 2014 mediation that he still hasn’t contributed a dime towards–his daughter’s dance, just 50%, 50% of the pet expenses for pets he is the listed owner of but who he abandoned saying he isn’t allowed pets where he lives; 50% of expenses needed to get our house ready to list; 50% of our joint expenses like our home insurance and home maintenance; reimbursement of money he took out of our joint account to pay his personal bills when I was the only one putting money into that account (it was agreed at mediation we would close the account but he would never make arrangements to do that with me or respond to any of my follow ups until I finally stopped putting money in, stopped financing his personal bill payments and now it is overdrawn by $1500 because joint bills have continued to come out of it on automatic withdrawal as well as banking fee expenses and the overdraft from him taking money out.

I am not asking for back spousal and child support for the past 2 years when he made the most he has earned in his life and I had both children living with me. All I am asking for is a fair split of our pre-separation debt 50/50. This was money used to buy shares in his company that he is keeping and a rental property that he is keeping that he insists has a $0 value. Plus money that I used to pay our personal pre-separation bills, our daughter’s private school tuition, all documented, because I was the person who took care of bill payments. He makes $148,000/year. Last year he only made $139,000. I receive $13,000/year on Canada Pension Plan disability benefits because I am not able medically to work.

My lawyer spelled it out clearly to my ex’s lawyer. My ex has done everything that he can do to “exhaust me financially”.

My lawyer has asked for confirmation of the value of the rental property–the mortgage details and the account information where the rental income is received. She has asked for confirmation of the value of his company shares and other dividends he receives on shares that he never even disclosed that he had until I brought that information forward in mediation. My lawyer has asked for a print out from his bank of his bank account information because oddly enough there are mysterious transactions that would lead one to assume he has at least one other bank account he has failed to disclose. This information was asked for in the year prior to our mediation and continues to be asked for and ignored.

Mediation was supposed to save us money. I am no closer to a separation agreement and a divorce than I was on the day we separated. My legal bills would have paid for my daughter’s first year of tuition at university and her residency. I am sure my ex’s are adding up as well even with the friend lawyer.

When is enough enough? When will he stop feeding his ego with a need to “win” and understand that there is no winning. I remember him sharing with me that growing up he and his mom would fight and they both would dig in and not talk to the other for weeks. The one who spoke to the other first lost. His mom confirmed that to me. Where was the adult example here? Really, what did either of them win doing that? He was the same way with me during our marriage. Always the silent treatment to punish. Always the withholding to punish. I am sure the cheating was another form of punishing me. What does he think he is winning?

I have asked him if we would meet to see if we could try yet again to reach an agreement together avoiding further legal expenses and what will end up going to court after all. He said, “Yes.” But all I have heard is when he can’t meet with me. I’ve asked him to tell me instead when he can meet with me and I will be there–11:00 p.m. or 6:00 a.m. any day of the week. All I heard from him was this: “Can you pick up our daughter from dance next Friday? I have a golf tournament in Nanaimo and I won’t be back until 9:00 p.m.” I said, “Yes.”

As far as getting together to solve our separation, I have yet to hear from him.

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divroce, legal process, moving forward, selling the home, separation

Preparing the house to sell

Although my ex agreed in mediation to pay 50% of anything required to get the house ready to sell, he refused to do any work himself and has refused to pay any part of the services that I hired to help get the house market ready.

In mediation, I was instructed to list the house so I starting working with a realtor immediately following our mediation in November 2014.  My ex asked me her identity in December and I gave him her information.  Then in March he sent a letter through his lawyer indicating that he would only release money from funds we had in trust so I could pay our joint bills and bills my ex is legally responsible to pay, if I did the following:

  1. The family home is listed immediately with Zelko Miokovic of Sutton Group , at a price recommended by him;
  2. 10 days after the house has been listed on MLS $5,000 will be released to (my law firm) so long as the realtor reports that your client has fully cooperated with all efforts to sell the home in the past 10 days;
  3. A further 20 days later another $5,000 will be released to (my law firm) so long as the realtor reports that your client has fully cooperated with all efforts to sell the home;
  4. If an offer is received on the family home and is formally accepted by both parties a further $5,000 will be released to (my law firm);
  5. All money released to your client will be accounted for in your client’s share of the division of assets; and
  6. Your client acknowledges that the mediation agreement is valid and that we are following it.

So my ex thinks that I should agree to give up control of selling our home to some agent who, if I agreed to these terms, could recommend some ridiculous low ball selling price and we might not only lose our equity but have to pay back to the bank a mortgage greater than the selling price.  In essence he wants this agent to babysit me and he is using this as another tool to try and control me. He also wants me to agree to be responsible for paying all of the joint bills (I asked for the money to pay our property taxes that are now 1 year overdue, his share of the home insurance and to cover bills that my ex agreed in mediation to pay but hasn’t) so if I agreed to this any money I received from these funds to pay joint bills and my ex’s bills would come out of my share of asset division.

A delaying tactic; a control tactic; and he continues to be in breach of the mediation agreement yet wants me to confirm it is a valid agreement `we` are following when I am the only one following it.  Wasting money and time to go back and forth between lawyers, incurring interest not paying our bills, losing credit not paying our bills, and it is all pointless and to no benefit. except for him looking to get out of more of his responsibilities.

He did meet with the realtor I have been working with for the past 4 months. The delay in listing was because we had contract work done and they broke blinds.  We were waiting for them to be replaced by the contractor and some other work that the realtor suggested be completed before we listed. Interestingly enough, the contractor is one of my ex`s best buddies. He refused to follow up with him to get this work completed even though they had seen each other often during this period.

During the realtor meeting, he yawned, kept looking at his watch, and finally interrupted her saying she needed to cut to the chase, give her recommended number as the listing price so we could sign the papers and be on our way. She was very professional an handled him well.  I was cringing at my ex’s rudeness and was reminded of many times I apologized for his behaviour in the past.  I actually did start to apologize for his attitude to the realtor but then stopped myself no longer feeling responsible for his actions. No more protecting him from who he really is and no making excuses for his poor behaviour.

The photos have been taken, floor plan completed, the sign is expected to go on the lawn on Tuesday and the listing should be official on Wednesday. I’ll submit the bills for the services I hired and hope that my ex does the right thing for once during this process and be grateful for all the work I did myself and pay for his share of the work that others have done because he refused to do it.

Selling our home is the biggest piece in allowing me to move on and be out from under control of my ex.   `Here`s hoping it sells quickly for at least our asking price.

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