adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Energy, Healing, separation

My Own, Personal, Shaman

I experienced something quite unique and special.

I had been up since 3:15 a.m. I had a very busy morning and was coming back from Land’s End into Sidney for a banking appointment. It was 1:00 p.m. and I suddenly needed to eat right away. I went into one of my favourite, regular, cafes, ordered at the counter and then went to find a seat. If you don’t arrive at Toast Café in Sidney before noon you are hard-pressed to find a seat, let alone a table. It was after the lunch rush so I was able to find space at a table with some other people.

While I was waiting for my food, a lady walked in and was looking around at my table. She eyed the seat where I had set my purse and sweater. There were other seats available including a full bank of stools along a counter looking outside to a gorgeous, sunny day. She kept staring at the seat beside me so I asked her if she wanted to sit with me. She said that she did.

She said she felt like she was back travelling when she shared space eating with strangers. I told her about a fond dining memory I had from university. I would visit my boyfriend in Montreal and we would go to this very busy, Jewish. deli with amazing food. Part of the ambience included sitting at long picnic tables dining with everyone else. It was loud and at first I found it odd and uncomfortable and even annoying to hear other’s conversations and for them to hear mine. It turned out though to be a really fun and energetic way to dine and a great way to meet some interesting people and be part of something bigger than just 2 people eating together.

When our food arrived we had ordered the same thing–vegetarian chili. We talked about random things while enjoying our lunch. She shared that she lived 50% in Victoria and 50% in Hawaii. She has businesses on both islands working as a spiritual healer. I was very interested about her Hawaii experiences and her opinion of the best place to live and vacation. She explained that she had to move back to Victoria because she suffered a serious automobile accident 3 years ago. Then she asked me if I had something traumatic happened to me 3 years ago.

I told her that my husband starting having an affair with another woman around that time. She said, “Yes. He made you feel very inadequate about all you were doing and weren’t doing. When he got involved with this other woman he brought up her confidence level which in turn elevated his own confidence. It was just energy moving around but our minds interpret it differently. He still loved you and he was able to live two lives for awhile but the more he focused his energy on her he was no longer able to vibrate any positive energy towards you. You reacted to what you were feeling and then he felt that he had no choice but to make a move. You were completed blind-sided.”

I stared at her dumb-founded.

She said, “I don’t mean to read your aura but you are continuing to be dragged down by him. You need to rid yourself of anything that you have still in your possession that you both shared together. It all contains negative energy for you. When you do this you will shift to a different level and will realize you want all new things anyways. That includes blankets and towels. Give that stuff away.”

I do have an excess of blankets and towels. I gave away so many when I moved but my linen closet overflows. I went from 4 bathrooms to 1 bathroom and my towels are all in very good condition. The ones that are more worn I take to yoga with me. I love blankets and I use them all the time but some were my moms or gifts that I am holding on to that I never use. The ones I love and use regularly are on my couch but I have a pile sitting on top of a chair of ones that I might use and still more in a wardrobe just in case. Even my girls have plenty of their own blankets in their room.

She said, “You have daughters,…two.” I paused to think if I had mentioned this to her. I hadn’t. While I was thinking she said, “The older daughter, she has had trouble.” I named both of my girls, still answering her first statement that I have two daughters. After I said their names she picked my older daughter’s name and said, “She is the one.” She continued, “She is a lot like you.” After that, I have to say that I don’t remember what specifics she told me about my daughter. I feel like it should be important for me to remember but I have to say that I was rather in shock she was reciting my life back to me and I wish now I had taken notes or turned on the recorder in my phone.

The other thing that I know she said was that she used to be a financial advisor before working full-time as a healer. She told me this because she gave me financial advice but I cannot remember what she said. I know she did give me the name of a place to use as storage, Eddy’s, that she said was cheaper than the locker that I have now to store things like Christmas decorations, sleeping bags, camping items, tools and other things that I don’t use on a daily basis and that I can’t keep stored where I am living. I feel like she probably told me to just get rid of it all. I am sure she did because she said, “Start now, not a month from now.”

She then said to me, “Do you have sinus problems?” She started to sniff and clear her throat a bit and coughed while rubbing under her eyes. I said, “I have allergies.” She said that she didn’t have a cold or any sinus issues but she was taking on my symptoms. I swear I did not sniff once or blow my nose in her presence. She said that it had to do with me needing to rid myself of things. It was congested energy that needed to be released.

She said that I was very cute. She said this a couple of times and commented that because I am cute I can hide behind what is really going on. She said that I don’t ask for help when I really need help. She said, “Because you are cute no one can see your stress. You don’t show it in your face or with your weight.” I laughed and said, “Oh yes I do. I need to lose 40 lbs. I eat my emotions.” She said, “But you’re cute, you get away with it; however it can still turn into disease for you. Your personality is full of light but darkness is weighing you down. I have a gift and can read this.”

I have to say that I didn’t understand what she was meaning about me being cute and how I am hiding things with “cuteness” but I remembered a text my friend sent me in September that I didn’t understand at the time that read: “Your sweet defensiveness doesn’t fool me, nor do I think you’re aware you even do it. It’s all so natural for you. Years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” I went and re-read that text after my encounter with this healer. In our texting conversation preceding my friend’s remark, I was basically saying that I am fine and she didn’t need to worry about me.

The healer then told me I don’t drink enough water. I told her I drink a ton of water but it never quenches my thirst. She said, “Stop drinking diet coke and you’ll lose 10 lbs.” That surprised me. I was not drinking diet coke with my meal so there was no way for her to know that. I told her I crave it constantly. She asked me how many I drink a day and told me that it is my ego that wants diet coke and not to give in. She said that she knows I eat really healthy and she can see I am trying. She told me to go for walks, give away my excess towels and blankets, go cold turkey on the diet coke and I will lose the weight.

My new friend told me when I start to think of my ex that I should move my eyes from side to side as though I am wiping a slate clean. She said that will erase any memories. She told me not to do it too quickly or I could have a nervous break down.

She told me that she oddly gave up a $200 appointment with a cancer patient she is working with in order to come into the café. She spoke to her on the phone and gave her some advice but told her she sounded good, was making progress and didn’t really need the appointment anyway until after she worked on implementing some of the advice she was given over the phone. She said that she tries to get her clients first to do as much work on their own as they can and then she comes to help with the rest. She told her cancer patient that she had to cancel their appointment because she really needed to eat something. She said that she didn’t think our meeting was just by chance. I believe that as well.

She told me that she is a First Nations shaman. Her name is Cheryl Dawn. She said that she has the gift of being able to read people and provide healing. She told me some of the different things that she does using Reiki and crystals. I asked if she had a card. She shared some of the events she had coming up and I thought one of her group activities might be something worth exploring. I will contact her again, however, I know I better get rid of towels and blankets before I do!

adultery, affairs, cheating, children, divorce, separation, Sex, Swinging

Horror on the Hill

For the past 3 years, I have gone to my friend (M’s) Halloween party. It is his favourite time of year and this year coincided with the celebration of his 50th birthday party.

He lives on a hill that over looks the ocean and elaborately decorates his home like a haunted house, hence the title of his invitation, ‘Horror on the Hill’. His bathroom has bloody foot prints on the floor; body parts and a knife in the tub with blood all over; a bloody shower curtain with bloody hand prints on it; a mirror behind the toilet with audible, laughing, scary, faces; and music playing creepy movie scenes like Psycho. It still unnerves me to hear the shower turn on and the stabbing music start. There is also a little, creepy girl voice saying, “I see you”.

Elsewhere around the upstairs is police tape around an area with a zombie like creature in a wheel chair wielding a knife, dancing skeletons projected on one of the walls, a guy you actually pull a breaker switch to watch violently riling back and forth as he is shocked to death in an electric chair, a 7-foot tall moving Frankenstein, skulls and spiders that move up and down the wall, mirrors with changing faces, a book that has a feather pen that talks and writes out a scary message, a cat that jumps at you, and a giant werewolf.

Outside, he has an incredible array of creepy decorations throughout his gardens. On his lawn there are huge blow ups as well as large mummies in coffins standing up and lying down. On the front porch a young zombie girl moves back and forth on a swing with her head turning side to side and her eyes lit up singing very eerily, “La la la la la la”. The theme is carried through to the food, the dishes, glasses and every detail throughout the house.

M loves to dance and he is very good. He has mirrors on one wall of his living room and I joke that he probably just goes in and watches himself dance. He admits that he does. The best part of the party is that his tenant is a DJ and sets up an entire DJ booth with video player, strobe lights, a skeleton mirror disco ball hanging from the ceiling and the entire living room is turned into a giant dance floor. This year, in honour of M’s 50th birthday, there was live music, too, with a reggae singer and hip hop artists.

M has always come across as very sexual to me. He has an amazing body. He is over 6 feet tall and all muscle. He loves to wear Halloween costumes that show off his athletic physique and he is very comfortable in form fitting outfits, bare chest and legs. He changes his costumes throughout the night. We have a strictly platonic relationship but he is very teasing, playful, touchy and always asks specifics about my sex life. We joke a lot but we also share deep, personal, painful, and honest emotions with one another. His wife had an affair with his best friend. His wife lied to the police about him and when she was found out she lost custody of their children. My friend was awarded full custody but he is amazingly compassionate and forgiving and offered his wife a 50/50 split so their children had a chance of actually having a relationship with their mom. He is very generous to me. He has been my knight in shining armour rescuing me when my car got towed and taking me to lunches and dinners always finding ways to never let me pay. He’s come to yoga with me. We both have a sweet tooth so find reasons to go for treats and laugh when we run into each other in local bakeries. He knows my lawyer and on the day I was walking over to court with her M called her on her cell phone to tell her that he especially hoped she did well in court today for my sake. He even offered to call my ex to share with him his court experience, to offer any assistance and to even act as a mediator. Whenever I am having a particularly difficult day with my ex I hear M’s words, “Dave is just being Dave” and it calms me in the storm that Dave is creating all around me.

This year, I went to his party with my girl friend, her boyfriend and another couple who are close friends of mine. We are all fairly conservative and remarked that there was quite a lot of slutty costumes this year. There were breasts hanging out, bare stomachs, fishnets, garters and stockings, bra tops, skirts that barely covered and even a man wearing a onesie with his butt hanging out the back. The party seemed even more crowded and as I was going into the kitchen I was stopped behind 3 people who were arranging a three-some. I shared with my friends what I had just overheard. The one girl involved with the arranging was dressed as a slutty police officer. She talked to me throughout the night with a sexy whisper, would wink at me from across the room and suggested to me that I check out Elvis because he was really sexy.

My friends and I all took a break from the dance floor and went into another room. I sat on one couch with my girlfriend and her husband and my other girlfriend and her boyfriend sat across from us. When her boyfriend got up another man came and sat down beside her. He was dressed as a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit. He was the husband of the slutty police officer. My girlfriend and he were quite chatty with each other. Then the slutty police officer came and sat down with them. My friends beside me on the couch joked that they were going to invite my girlfriend for a 3-some.

Slutty police officer was now sitting across from me. My girlfriend whispered, “I don’t mean to be vulgar but you are going to see pussy in a minute.” Her skirt was that short. Her cleavage was so plentiful and revealing that my friend also whispered to me that she saw nipple. By this point we are really entertaining ourselves people watching. A very drunk French maid decided to get down on her hands and knees in front of us and show us how she could balance on her hands with her knees on her elbows. While this was going on a very tiny girl came in with a man in a suit. We were told a contortionist/fire eater was coming but I already saw a girl carrying a hula hoop with places for the torches to be set on fire on the hoop. Turns out this new girl was just one of 2 strippers that gifted my friend with quite the performance. He apologized to me afterwards saying that the grinding to his face was a bit much but what else could he do when everyone was there watching. He had to act polite. I joked with him that I could tell it was a terribly unpleasant experience for him. Then he showed my girlfriend’s husband photos of him and a girl on his phone that he wouldn’t show me.

I was back on the dance floor when my girlfriend and her boyfriend came to find me announcing, “We are at a swingers party.” When my girlfriend was sitting with the slutty police officer’s husband on the couch he shared with her that his wife was making out with the host. He didn’t say the host’s name so my girlfriend said, “You don’t know M?” He told her that his wife met him on line and invited her to his party because there would be at least 10 swinging couples here. The prisoner-costumed guy received a text while he was talking to my friend and commented, “That was fast.” He told my friend his wife was able to arrange a hook up with the host. Then slutty police lady came back and sat on the couch pouting. She was now in a bad mood because she said that she couldn’t hook up with the host because he wanted her to go to places she wouldn’t go. I wondered what places a girl like that wouldn’t go and then I wondered what the heck my friend was into that slutty police officer wouldn’t take part. My friend and her boyfriend ended up calling a cab for the slutty police officer and her prisoner husband. She was very upset that she didn’t think she was going to have sex (even though she had arranged the 3-some I overheard with mermaid girl and her husband). Prisoner husband decided they would leave saying, “Don’t worry Honey, we’ll go to the Sticky Wicket and we’ll get you laid.”

Once I was aware what was actually going on I saw things more clearly. Groups coming out of bedrooms, people going downstairs (my married friends dared me to go down), men and women fondling each other and grinding all over the dance floor, partners that I thought were together were now clearly with other people, too, people making eye contact with me maybe waiting for some signal or for me to invite them over or for me to approach them.

When I went home I checked out the website where my friend apparently is a member. I remembered my husband telling me in the year before our separation about his friend and wife who shared partners and I remembered meeting friends of theirs where I was told later the husband is one of two men who got a girl pregnant that he cheated on his wife with and he was waiting for a paternity test to see if it was him. I remember telling my husband that he better not be on his friend’s boat without me. I wondered if he and Janice might now be apart of this group as I remembered finding the emails after my separation that he wanted to have 3-somes with my closest friends. Maybe that is why Janice sends my ex sexy photos of other women even publicly on Twitter. My husband shared with me different stories about the unhappiness in his friend’s marriage and about his friend waking up on their boat in one stateroom and looking across to the other stateroom seeing his friend groping his wife and her staring off blankly while this was going on. I asked what he did. My husband said he just turned over and went back to bed. I told my husband that I didn’t know why he would feel anything about seeing that when he chose to introduce other partners into their sex life. It is just a license to allow cheating.

I am having dinner with my friend, M, next week to celebrate his actual 50th birthday. We have spoke a couple of times since his party but I haven’t let him know yet that I learned he might be a swinger. I will when we go for dinner. No judgement. I want this man to continue to be a part of my life. I just have concerns that he is maybe being pulled in a direction that is taking him further away from what he is really looking for. Then again, this may just be another example in my life that you never really know who people are or what they really think, feel or want for their life.

adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

“King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband. But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. ⁸I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. ⁹Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

“Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”¹¹“This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. ¹²You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie. In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed. When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway. In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways. In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse. Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards. King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.” David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! ⁶He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6) Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ. Matthew 1:6 logs,^“and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

^“

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, God, loss, Security, separation

Lacking

Two of my single, male friends spoke to me recently about their concern that I have “nothing” to my name. They are both 4 and 5 years older than I am. One has never been married nor had children, has a $800,000 house fully paid and operates his own business. I am guessing he has some pension money from his previous employment as well as retirement savings. The other has lost a lot financially through the divorce process, has 2 children, no consistent employment, and has medical issues that interfere with his earning potential. He relies on his father’s generosity and his financial plan is an inheritance. They both have entirely different financial situations and yet they both feel secure in their financial future and they both consider themselves better off than me.

Financial security was one of my biggest losses as a result of divorce and this loss terrified me the most. When you have an ex who has already “moved on” before you are aware that divorce is even a possibility let alone a reality there is no time to weigh out and consider options. You are behind the eight ball and all you can do is act to make the right decisions to protect you and your children.

Ellen DeGeneres said in a recent interview about the cost of publicly declaring she was gay on her sitcom: “It was hard but it was great because I lost my career for 3 years, I lost my money, I lost everything and I got to be stripped down of everything and start all over again. It was a wonderful gift to be able to start all over again and to realize I was strong enough and talented enough to come back…To lose it all and start over again, that was a good thing. I’m just saying it is all right now. It wasn’t at the time. It was horrible at the time.”

I feel as though I have gained in other respects. I have no mortgage and I have no debt. I don’t have a home that I have to maintain with things that require repair or replacement. I don’t have property taxes. I have eliminated some of the bills that I had to worry about before like hydro, gas, water/sewage and garbage pick up as those utilities are included in my rent. My insurance costs have dropped. I no longer have as many time consuming chores. I don’t have grass to water and cut, weeds to pull, bushes to trim, outside windows to clean, or as much space to clean inside.

At this point. I do have children and pets to consider, but if I chose, I am able to go where ever I want to go and do whatever I want to do. If I want to move, I can, very easily with little expense. Possessions to me now are only anchors. It is my goal to rid myself of anything that doesn’t hold significant meaning or bring me great joy. Minimalism, lightness, and space is my new goal.

Financial security can be a trap. It, like my marriage, can be an illusion of something that only exists in your mind or on paper. Any security I felt in my marriage and with my financial stability was false. One decision out of your control or even a poor decision within your control, a disaster, or country and world problems can leave you with nothing. The more you think you have, the more you feel the loss and the harder it is to recover.

The two friends who spoke to me are stuck staying in jobs they don’t love. One laments of the win fall financial position he would be in if he were still married yet he was miserable and unloved. Both my friends are tied to the cities they currently reside likely until they die. I have an opportunity now to really determine what I want, where I want to be, and what will bring me joy. I moved here for my husband. I have zero regrets but now I get to live for me.

I believe that everything I have is a gift from God. If he wants me to have less, I will have less. If he wants me to have more, I will have more. I am grateful for all he has given me and all that I do have right now. I am excited, though, to see what God has in store for me. There has been great change in my life and I believe there is a reason behind it. I am preparing for wherever he wants to take me next. I plan to be ready.

I have an abundance of what really matters to me in life. My children are healthy and doing well. I am healthy and doing well. I have a body that is nourished, strong, pain free and mobile. I feel safe. I have a well of friends and family who I can draw from on a daily basis. I am able to give to the food bank, to charities, and donate items and my time and resources to help others. I feel joyful and happy despite my circumstances. I laugh all the time. I have hope. I have options.

There are great lessons to be learned from my experience. Ellen Degeneres, in the same interview as above also said, ” Unfortunately, the bad things are the greatest teachers and you have to be grateful for them.” I am more mindful and live in the moment. What my future looked like in my mind before is completely different. I can’t even picture my future anymore and that is maybe one lesson. What I saw before never existed. Maybe even limiting. My future is a blank space. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a future. I can still hope and dream. It only means that all that matters and is real is right now.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, infidelity, narcissism, other woman

Trolling

Emmagc75 had this troll on her blog site and I had to repost it because it is so my ex!!!!!!!

I think “Happy” gave up trying to post under too many different aliases because deceitfulness gets messy and complicated. He already has enough personas in real life and probably has just lost track of who is supposed to be today.

“Sally” is just way too offended by everything. Maybe he and Janice write together but he/she is so quick to respond, so eager to attack, and so very angry. The agenda of all the personas is the same: blame everyone else, throw in some righteousness about caring only for the children, and maybe everyone will be distracted and the focus will be diverted away from them. We might be confused as to what really has happened to make the author start and continue to blog.

Sally is way too invested in anything I write. I don’t think Janice would risk her job. She already got her wrist slapped (suspended from work for 3 days) for using her work computer and work phone (which got taken away from her). Tax payers wouldn’t like to think their tax dollars are paying her salary to comment on my blog all day. She could lose her job over this and then she will have to be back in the office full-time with my ex. I don’t think he would like that.

If she is reading these blog posts she knows that he defends the emails and Facebook messages he writes to other women flirting and propositioning them saying that everyone writes emails they wouldn’t want someone else to see. Maybe that is what keeps their relationship alive and exciting. He did describe his work place as a Mad Men episode, “everyone sleeps with everyone.” He might not want her to know who else he pursues in their office or what they do when she isn’t around. He does live around the corner from his work. He takes his work home with him.

Mostly he is way too narcissistic to not be involved in my blog. He calls this my “15-minutes of fame.” Never in a million years do I think of it like that. He of course would and needs to get in on it.

The problem with pretending to be someone you are not is that the person you might be trying to protect and defend as innocent only comes off looking all the more guiltier and cowardly.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, Commitment, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage

What are you trying to create?

When you say, “I do” and declare it publicly to your partner in front of all of your friends and family, promising to be faithful, for better or worse, till death do us part and announce this in a church in the presence of God, signing the marriage certificate witnessed by your chosen best man and best woman so it can be filed as public record of your declaration to each other, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your vows. And so they should be. That was what you wanted and knew to be right with the new life you chose to live together.

When you get baptized, shortly after your marriage, confessing that Jesus is Lord in your life, died for your sins, was buried and raised on the third day and do so after studying the bible and implementing the teachings in your life because you experience the difference it makes and you want to make a difference in the lives of others, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your conviction. And so they should be. That was what you wanted for the good of your life and what you knew to be right.

Who would ever want to be the person who breaks their vow to God, breaks the promise and trust of their spouse, lets down their children and fails to be everything they proclaim to be to their friends, family, children, coworkers and people who are watching their life and doctrine closely. No one wants to be the king who couldn’t finish building the tower or the person who knocks on the door and God doesn’t know who they are. Why do we take actions then and choose behaviours that work against our commitments?

Commitment to marriage and to God is not easily undone. Try dissolving a marriage and tearing apart lives that were built together. It is not a simple, easy, fast or inexpensive process. It is not void of emotion, complication, legalities, turmoil, pain and strife for all parties involved. Try leaving God and making selfish decisions now that you know separate you from the Being who was most important in your life, that created you in His image, the entity you claim is the Creator of Earth and all living things, is the Father, the Great I Am, the Lord and Saviour. Life never seems to go so well when someone makes decisions against what they believe to be right. We’ve witnessed it with people in our lives and with public figures.

How does anyone, who knows what they know to be true, choose to purposely make things go so wrong in their life? There has to be an internal battle that eventually manifests physically, emotionally or mentally, when you live a life that is contrary to the one you declared publicly that you intended to live. This sets your life on a different path that you some how think will lead to happiness but the bible tells us in 2 Peter 2:21 that it would be better off for people to have never known than to turn their backs on what they knew to be right.

Do we just lose sight of our commitment and the possibilities of what we were trying to achieve? Why did we choose to go against what we were committed to? What would have been the next step in our life that we wanted to avoid? What did we need to stop from happening? Why were we willing to take action to cause destruction ensuring it couldn’t happen? What were we so afraid of that the alternative is our current situation? What was so bad that we chose to hurt so many others in the process just to try to protect ourselves? Yet, didn’t we hurt ourselves the most?

If divorce is the answer to happiness and you want someone out of your life and have taken legal action to make it happen, why would anyone now thwart actions to finalize exactly what they want? Why would someone resist the process for 2 years and then refuse to honour the mediation agreement that they know is to their financial benefit? Why would they not complete the actions that are part of the legal agreement that they signed with their lawyer such as forwarding the other person’s share of RRSP money? Why would they refuse to provide their share of expenses they agreed to pay when all supporting documentation confirming the expenses is in their hands? Why would someone make phony accusations to the police against the person they don’t want anything to do with? Why would they get their friends involved with a person they want out of their life? Why would anyone’s friends want to be involved? Why keep attaching the energy around you to someone that you want gone? Why continue to try and submit claims through the other person’s medical and dental insurer instead of getting your own coverage because why would you want to contact the person you supposedly want out of your life to say they owe you claim money? Why can they not take action to separate everything from the other person’s life? Why haven’t they filed for divorce?

There has to come a point when you stop and ask yourself, “What am I trying to create?” It is a lot of racket and chaos but what is really going on here? Is it that you don’t want a divorce? Is that why you created a fake persona on my blog using my identity saying things like “I forgive you” and “we are back together”. Is that what you really want to hear out of my mouth so you made that happen on my blog? Is that why you were trying to list men’s names and say things about me sleeping with them hoping to get a reaction out of me just to see if it was true? Why create so much energy in reactive, angry, spiraling behaviour when none of these things should even matter to you because you have moved on and in your mind it is a fictional tale.

If I discovered a blog about me I wouldn’t have told a soul. If anyone found it I would have just said, “Yes, he clearly is hurt and angry over things and I will just chose to not comment on his interpretation of the facts.” End of story. I certainly wouldn’t have responded and I would not read entries. There would be no benefit to me. Why feed something you hope dies? I would never have created fake names to comment on posts and I would never dream of asking my friends to do that. I would never make up lies about the author and publicly try to smear their character. How would hurting the other person benefit me? It would only hurt me.

There has to come a point when you decide: “I want this divorce so these are the actions I have to take in order to live in peace with my ex; to surround my children with love, protection and security; to meet my children’s needs on every level; to honour my legal obligations so I can be a man of integrity and keep my word. I have broken trust with my ex and children so many times but I am going to keep my word and honour my agreements. Therefore, I need to follow the decisions I have made to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. I created this situation but I want to stop creating negativity and I don’t want to perpetuate it further. I have created so much hurt, pain and expense with my actions and I now need to minimize that as much as I can control. I need to take responsibility for what I created and do whatever I can to help everyone that I hurt heal so I can heal, too. ”

If this is what you want, everything else you have been creating is counter-intuitive. If it isn’t what you want, you better start thinking what you do want and work to create that in your life. No progress will be made otherwise. Fence sitting is not moving forward.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman

Dating Again

There comes a time when you realize your marriage is over and as part of the moving on process you start to date again.

I had the opportunity to have a fling two weeks after finding out my husband had been having an affair for at least the previous 6 months. It caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t expecting. I was on vacation with my children. A family vacation we were all supposed to go on together but the discovery of the affair ended that. I didn’t want my ex there and either did my kids. Even though part of our vacation (2 out of 3 weeks) was staying with his parents, he also didn’t want to go (although he said he would have gone if I hadn’t found out he was sleeping with someone else, too).

Every night in Florida my children and I would take the golf cart down to the pool around 9:00 p.m. We would swim and hot tub. For the first week of vacation, it was just me and my younger daughter. On our first night there we met a very beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind and generous. He was very open about his life and was very interested in our lives asking both of us questions that showed a sincere eagerness to get to know us. He had a beautiful spirit. He was well-liked by the others that lived in the community as evidenced by the regulars that showed up for their evening swim. The caretakers trusted him and allowed us to stay past 11:00 p.m. every night giving him the responsibility of closing the hot tub and locking up the clubhouse and gate afterwards.

As our relationship built, my younger daughter would be watching the clock and if it was past 9:00 p.m. and I was still sitting talking to my in-laws she would come and get me to say that Aaron would probably be there by now so we should go. If we got there first, she was constantly watching the gate for him to come in. Every night he arrived. I found myself anticipating him coming through the gate as well.

He invited us to do a lot of things during the days and evenings and go to places where he was also planning to attend. He told us about beaches we should check out and places we should shop and eat. We met him one evening on the beach where there was a drumming circle (he had learned that I took African drumming lessons so insisted we had to join him for this). There was a fire-pit, hula-hooping and other free-spirited activities as well as arts and crafts vendors. It was a very joyous event. He asked to borrow my camera. I didn’t realize until afterwards that he used it to take random photos of my daughter and me enjoying our time together. It was so sweet and a gesture that meant a lot to me since I was always the one in our family who recorded the memories and rarely did anyone, especially my husband, take a photo of me unless I asked.

My younger daughter couldn’t wait to introduce him to my older daughter and her friend when they arrived the next week. They opened up to him right away and he helped them with their perspective on school, stress and boys really giving them some deep insights on his life philosophy that seemed to make a positive impact.

My older daughter said that he was obviously interested in me and we should go and buy condoms that night. I assured her that I would definitely not be taking our relationship to that level. She wanted me to be with him so much and when I questioned her about it she said that it would serve dad right and that it would help me to heal. I promised her that revenge sex was never the answer and that random sex with someone you barely knew was not beneficial at all (although that was my mom answer to a 15-year old because I did entertain the thought and I did buy condoms just in case).

I think it was God’s sense of humour and his assurance to me that I would be fine. Aaron would show up at the pool in a white bathing suit that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had an amazing body. He was younger than me but I never did ask him his age. I showed up at the pool looking my worst–no makeup, over weight, wearing a mom bathing suit that was completely lacking sex appeal, and my hair would be wet and/or pulled back in a pseudo bun/ponytail thing. But Aaron made me feel desirable and wanted. It turns out that he was a nude model. He showed me photos of sketches taken on his phone that students had drawn of him as he posed. When my girls were distracted he showed me the real thing. I saw that there was definitely “more” out there. It was all such a funny and surreal situation coming on the heels of the devastating realization about the infidelity of my husband just a couple of weeks earlier. We had each others phone numbers and although he invited me to his place after taking my girls home I couldn’t be that example for my kids. Plus I was staying with my in-laws! I considered sneaking out but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

On our last night there he brought 5 Chinese lanterns and took us into the field behind the pool where we lit them and released them making wishes. When we were saying our good-byes he reached up and touched my lip. As inexperienced as I was with another man touching me, I assumed there was something on my lip. He said, “No, I just think you are beautiful. I think you are an amazing person, a great mom and that you are so lucky to have the kids that you have. I am very envious of your family.” Then he kissed me. My daughter’s friend saw this and was so excited to let me and my girls know that she saw this happen.

He has contacted me a few times since, most recently 2 weeks ago. He always sends some nude photos but they are always tasteful, professional, amidst nature or with some artistic flare. I showed my girls just one photo of his nude bum this weekend and we all laughed hysterically. For them I think it is just funny to imagine this young man sending these images to their mom. He asked initially for me to send him some nude photos of myself but I told him I would never do that. He has never asked me since. He tells me that he remembers me fondly, always wants to make sure that I am doing okay and he always asks me when I am coming back to see him.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, infidelity, marriage

Do angels feel pain?

My older daughter texted me from university with this question, “Angels can suffer right? Like feel pain or die or be sad?”

“Well”, I said. They were created by God but I don’t know about them dying. I don’t think they can die because they are in heaven with God. Although Satan was found to be wicked and got kicked out of heaven, but he’s still alive causing destruction on earth. I don’t know if Satan feels like he is suffering or not as a result of God casting him out. He rules the world and probably feels very successful in that sense. I am guessing they can feel. Satan is described as the most beautiful angel, esd ordained by God and believed he should be higher than God. He must be able to feel in order to be so prideful. I am guessing he can feel because he hates us and it must make him happy to hurt us or why not just follow God?”

My daughter responded, “He got kicked out because he was jealous of God’s love of humans and because of that disobeyed right?” Then she asked another totally unrelated question about coming home this weekend and we didn’t talk about it further. I followed up with her a couple of days later to see if she figured it all out and what prompted the question. It was for a debate she was working on in her Philosophy class. She had to respond in an atheist point of view.

I don’t know how you respond to a question about angels in an atheist point of view except to say they don’t exist but it got me thinking about Satan. I remembered how in Job he was “roaming in and out of the earth” and when I read it again (Job 1-6) it says in the NIV that he was “going back and forth on it.” I wonder how many times in the past few years Satan has been going back and forth over my life. I honestly don’t think there is anything he can do to me to shake my faith in God, or God’s love for me, and promised plan to prosper me (favourite scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.) but I sure don’t want to tempt Satan to bring it on! I feel like I’ve had enough.

As I write this, the song in the background repeats, “If I lose myself I lose it all.” (Naughty Boy, ‘Runnin’ ft. Beyoncé)

I remember talking to my husband about his affair in a spiritual light. I reminded him that after Satan tempted Jesus while he was in the desert for 40 days that he was unsuccessful and left until a more “opportune time.” (Matthew 4: 1 – 11) I suggested that Satan knew everything going on in Dave’s life, heart and mind–probably because he was whispering in his ear, and it was the opportune time to trip him up. I reminded him that Ephesians 4:27 commands, “…and do not give the devil a foothold.” Dave let the door open for Satan even just a crack. That was all Satan needed to stick his foot in and kick it wide open. Dave responded to me saying, “Or maybe we just did a lousy job at taking care of our marriage.” I didn’t think so.

If you think spiritually and stay spiritual and have spiritual people guiding you and supporting you in your life, there are spiritual solutions for infidelity. Not easy ones because although I can’t respond for angels I know for sure that as humans we do suffer. We do feel sadness and we do feel pain. We do die physically and can feel like we are dying of a broken heart. We can still be alive but experience spiritual death, separation from God, which for a Christian is supposed to be more painful than physical death. I think that is why as much as the bible makes it clear that God hates divorce, knowing us as humans, he allows infidelity as the only reason for divorce to be granted. How hard it would be to stay with someone who betrayed you.

Comfort on earth in all of this–angels! I have had many angels show up in various forms to me during these last 3 years. And it is confirmed in Matthew 4:11. When Satan failed to tempt Jesus, Satan went away at Jesus’ command. When Satan left Jesus, “angels came and attended him.”

Praying that we all experience the attendance of angels in our life, especially after Satan has played with our lives directly or indirectly.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, separation

Once Upon a Time

My daughter is home from school sick with the flu so we decided to catch up on a bunch of ‘Once Upon a Time’ episodes from last season.

In the episode that we just watched, Snow White was asking the Evil Queen to keep a secret for her. Her reasoning was this:

“Because when you betray the people you love, when you make them see the worst parts of you, what you’ve done changes everything. There’s no going back. You’ve shattered the bonds you’ve worked so hard to forge. The stronger those bonds once were, the more difficult they are to put back together. If they can be repaired at all.”

adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, marriage, separation, the other woman

Getting Remarried

I attended my first wedding since separating from my husband.

It was the second wedding for both the bride and the groom. I wondered if I would be at all cynical for the exchanging of vows between 2 people promising to be faithful, for better or for worse, and until death parts them. After all, they likely spoke those same words to other people but never kept their promise.

Making it odder for me was the fact that I knew the bride’s previous husband and his new wife. There was talk by guests at the wedding, who didn’t know that I knew the bride’s ex-husband and his new wife, that he had an affair and that was what ended the marriage. I know that to be true.

I was reminded at the wedding that my husband actually stumbled over his vows during the part where he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be faithful.” Laughter came from the pews because of his stumble on our wedding day 21 years ago. My husband explained afterwards that he paused only because he thought the minister was not finished speaking. Now I wonder if he knew then that he had no intention of staying true to his vow and wonder if he cheated in the 4 years we lived together before getting married. I remember some very specific lies he told when we first started dating. Why was that not a huge red flag to me?

I had a lot of fun at the wedding. I was truly happy for the couple. They looked beautiful. They have rhyming names. They are both kind-hearted, fun, generous people who deserve a partnership full of love and respect. At this point they seem to have that in their relationship. I pray it continues for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I have no desire for that in my future. I will never trust anyone with my entire life again. I don’t feel sad thinking that way even though I know how much I valued and loved my marriage and my husband and how much it benefited the security, peace and well-being of our children. I think it is wisdom. Live and learn.

I want my freedom more than anything else. When I am not doing everything for my children, I want to be doing everything for me. Selfish? I thought about that but usually what I want to do benefits other people. I have so many friends: married, single, divorced, separated, male, female, working, not working, parents, no kids, etc. and I am loving my time with all of them. I keep meeting more and more people and am getting to know others who were just acquaintances before on a deeper level. My life is full. I don’t ever want my life to be about only one other person’s needs–a husband. That absolutely makes me cringe to think about it. I want to spend my life doing what I want, with who I want, when I want.

My friend said it well: “It takes a really, really great guy to be better than no guy.”

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: adultery