adultery, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, other woman, separation

Weekend Report

My daughter ended up spending Friday night, after her dance classes, with her dad. I texted her at 6:45 p.m. to see if she needed me to pick her up as she had reported being too ill to go to his place. I knew she was able to be in her dance class when she didn’t respond.

In the meantime, I was invited on a dinner date. I figured that if my daughter managed to participate in her dance classes from 3:30 – 7:45 p.m. that she was going to go to her dad’s place after all. I suspected that it was anxiety about spending the night at her dad’s. If I had picked her up after school she would have sacrificed going to dance just to avoid her dad’s place. When I put the onus back on her to let her dad know she was cancelling because she was sick and when I wasn’t able to pick her up earlier she chose to just go to dance. She could have taken the school bus that goes to our home instead of the dance studio if she was really ill.

So regarding my dinner date, there is always the history with my ex in the back of mind. What if she texted her dad saying she was sick and that I was going to pick her up earlier so she could go home instead? What if she told him she was sick and couldn’t go to his house but still needed a ride home and he told her he wouldn’t drive to the dance studio just to pick her up if she wouldn’t go back to his place? What if he received a better invitation? I wanted to see my friend, as it had been a long time since we spent any time together, so I told him my predicament and that the best I could do was fast food in case I needed to leave quickly.

My daughter texted me at 7:45 p.m. to say that she was going to go with her dad. Her symptoms were much improved because the Bove wasn’t present. She texted that she would rather be home but that it was only one night. Why only one night, I wondered? If her dad was making a change to make his child a priority wouldn’t he want to spend the whole weekend with her? Or did she set up her own plans to avoid that?

Her dad dropped her off at noon the next day back to my place. She revealed that he was on his way up to Parksville (1 1/2 hours away) for a party and was staying at the Beach Club Resort overnight. Of course he was. I knew it was impossible for him to actually manage to spend an entire weekend with his daughter. (I reported he did spend 2 Saturday nights ago with her but forgot he actually dropped her at a birthday party at 4 and didn’t see her again until noon the next day). This was “his” weekend and yet to him that means playing the dad role only if time permits in between what he really wants to do instead.

Our daughter knows that. She has lived this for more than 2 1/2 years now. It will never change. She will never be a priority in his life, ever. If he keeps his next commitment, he will see her again in 4 nights, Thursday, for 2 hours. So over a 96 hour period he will see her for 2 hours max. Then, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will see her again in 7 days on the next Thursday for dinner, that will be a 168-hour period in which he sees her for 2 hours. The math doesn’t lie. That is a failing percentage. He is failing his daughter. He is failing as a father. Quantity time matters. If he throws the Bove into the equation that subtracts from time with his daughter. The Bove is equivalent to a big zero and my daughter is left with nothing.

He did come back Sunday night and pick up our daughter to take her to his place for dinner. Afterwards, he took her to the beach to see the lunar eclipse. Sadly, for my daughter, the Bove crashed her time with her dad and once again my ex managed to turn time with his daughter into a big negative.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Sexual images, Twitter

Jannypoo@smeepsmeep

The other woman, Janice Andrews, under her user name, “Sally”, insists I should take down my blog and specifically her identifying information for “the sake of the children”. Both Janice and my ex, under his user name, “Happy” as well as the other fake followers they created, insist if my children found my blog it would do them harm.

Yet, they both have Twitter accounts that my children follow. Janice knows my older daughter follows her. They have commented back and forth to each other yet she feels it is okay to tweet images with sexual content that exploit and degrade women and contain inappropriate comments like, “Fox me real good”. She even mocks a story about 23 cheating husbands getting what they deserve and she specifically tweets all of the images to my children’s father @goalie29.

Here is a sampling of how she protects my children from harmful content on line.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Ex, family, Residence, University

Taking my daughter to university

As many times as my oldest daughter asked my ex to take me with them so she could be with both of her parents to travel to university, he refused. She contacted me the day before she had to move into residence and told me she asked one last time but her dad said, “No!” I assured her not to worry that I would still be there. She told me that my ex booked a reservation on the 8:00 a.m. ferry so I told her that I would be on the same one.

I arrived at the ferries at 7:15 a.m. lining up with the other vehicles waiting to board. I went into the terminal to get something to eat for breakfast. When I came out and was walking back to my car, my younger daughter called my name. She was in the front passenger seat of a vehicle I didn’t recognize. It was a white pick-up truck. Both girls told me later that their dad had purchased a new vehicle.

I walked over and said “hi” to my girls. My younger daughter was so happy she spotted me. She beamed that she could see my hair in the window so she knew I was there. I confirmed with my older daughter the name of her residence house. There are 8 houses and they have some difficult First Nation names and spellings. I told them I would meet them at the university. Then I went back to my vehicle and waited to load.

On the ferry, I sat in a row of seats by a window. With it being the start of a long weekend it was very busy but I actually had a row of seats to myself. I was reading for about 30 minutes when my kids found me and sat down beside me. They had gone for breakfast first. Their dad sat down with them. We each conversed with our children but didn’t say a word to each other. It made no difference to me at all that he was there.

We returned to our cars after the 1 hour and 35 minute ferry ride and then I drove by myself for the next hour to travel to the university. I ran into them as I was walking to my daughter’s residence and they were returning to my ex’s truck. They had unloaded everything and now needed to move his vehicle to the parkade where my car was already parked. My daughter asked her dad if he would just let me walk back with them and drive with them so we could all stay together. He said that there was no room. My daughter tried to explain to me where to go and I told her not to worry about it, that I would find it, and just meet them back at her room.

I met some great people on the way to her dorm. I chatted with parents and students about where they were from, why they chose this university, which residence would be their new home, etc. It was a gorgeous, sunny day and there were tons of students dressed in bright blue shirts that were guides and question answerers to make everyone’s transition smooth. I bought my daughter a plant and then headed to her house with the personal guidance of one of the blue shirt students.

My daughter’s roommate hadn’t arrived yet. We all helped our freshman unpack and set up her room. When we were done her dad left to go back home. My younger daughter and I stayed and we all went for lunch in the residence dining hall. There was a great selection of food. Then we went back to her room and met her new roommate and mom from Winnipeg. They were so nice. They had never been to Victoria before so I invited her to come back with my daughter for Thanksgiving. They invited us to their cabin in Minnesota.

My younger daughter and I said our goodbyes and left to do some back-to-school shopping in Vancouver. Then we went to my sister’s house for dinner. Two of my nieces and their live-in boyfriends joined us. It was a whirlwind visit as the last ferry departed at 9:00 p.m. and we had at least a 40-minute drive to get there. It was so wonderful to see them. It had been almost 2 years since our last visit. We would have stayed over if I didn’t have pets to get back to and my other niece and brother-in-law were planning on visiting us the next day to go to the fair. We made it to the ferry with enough time to run into the terminal to buy an ice cream cone before being called to our vehicles to get ready to load.

My university daughter texted me just before we boarded the ferry. She thanked me for coming even though her dad tried to make it difficult for me to be there and for the “survival kit” that I left her. She had a very fun ‘Welcome BBQ’ for her house and said that she had met a ton of friends already from all over the world. She was off to play board games.

I am so excited for this new chapter in her life. I feel like we managed, for the most part, to make the day all about her.

affairs, blogging, cheating, children, divorce, God, Identifying the other woman, Outing

The Purpose of My Blog

I started this blog in May 2013, 2 months after discovering that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.

Reading their sexually explicit messages, reading them tell each other how much they couldn’t wait to be together and the future plans they were making, reading them telling each other “I love you”, reading about the things they had been doing together and piecing that into the way my husband was living his life with me and our children at the same time sends a lump to my throat even today as I think about it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough for me to have all of this information imprinted in my brain, it was imprinted in my 15-year old daughter’s brain as well. On top of my own grief I had a very angry teenager who would never see her dad the same way again. I also had a 10-year old daughter who I was trying to protect from the bluntness of her angry, older sister; from the cold detachment of her father; and from my sadness for what was lost as well as my new fear for our future.

It was like a death. Firstly, I knew it was permanent. What my children and I had was gone forever. I knew I could never be with this man again. Secondly, when it happened, everyone was there for me and my children–visiting in person, travelling far to see us, sending or dropping off cards, letters, flowers, food; emails, phone calls, acts of service, etc. I knew how much I was loved by so many people. I felt strong, courageous and I was confident in my decision to end the marriage. I was at peace, trusted in God’s plan and was hopeful for the future.

But like a death, everyone else goes on with their life and I was left with having to handle the grieving process in all of its stages; not just for me but for my children. I was left with still being responsible for taking care of bill payments, taking my kids to all of their activities and trying to find a way they could to do what they loved and to continue to keep that part of their life unchanged, all of the chores and maintenance (inside and out) that go along with 2 kids, 3 pets and a large home. I was literally a single parent with no support on any level. Both my kids had a lot of difficulties but my older daughter suffered the most.

I actually only had 4 friends who had been divorced. Two involved infidelity. I have gained many more friends since who have undergone similar losses just through being open about our lives, but at the time I started my blog I felt very alone and very overwhelmed. The blog was just a way for me to journal. I am a scrapbooker and I felt this was a life changing event that I needed to document. I was vulnerable, real, honest and writing from my heart. Very sad and difficult things were coming to light and the blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts and to try and make sense of them. I was reporting my observations and trying to understand my ex’s behaviour.

Although I was writing just for me, I soon realized that other people going through similar situations were reading my blog. Their offers of encouragement and support for me and my kids was so appreciated and helped me to keep moving forward. I was able to read other people’s experiences including that of trying to gain some insight from those who cheat. I hated that I was part of this community but I was so grateful for its existence. I was 100% authentic in everything that I shared and found that the more real and vulnerable I was with my thoughts, emotions and my situation that the more I benefited and the more I benefited others.

If you have never been betrayed by the person you love most and who you think loves you the most in the world, you will never understand the gut-wrenching feelings that exist when your heart is torn out. Tears fill my eyes as I write and remember. I lost everything. I allowed our little family of 4 to be uprooted from our huge pool of friendships, our family and our church. Our entire support system was gone when we moved across the country. We knew nobody. We moved only so my husband could pursue his career aspirations. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for him to know that I would do anything for him and go anywhere with him . I trusted that he loved me and our girls more than anything in the world. I prayed specifically about our situation, sought advice and I have no regrets about the decision. I thought the experience actually knit us closer together.

I know people think it always takes 2 people for a marriage to disintegrate. In this case, it took 3 people. My husband never made me aware that he was unhappy. We rarely fought. We came together every evening as a family and spent weekends together doing family things. We always put our family first. My girlfriend just told me on the weekend that she had been jealous of my marriage. She said that we did so much together, had so much to talk about together and enjoyed spending time together. We never had marriage counseling because there didn’t seem to be anything seriously wrong. We were intimate together right up until 2 weeks before I discovered his sexting and the photos the other woman sent to him of herself. I was completely blindsided. We had been together 23 years and none of this made sense to me. I only felt my husband’s distance in October 2012 when he let me down in terrible ways and was inexplicably cruel. He would apologize, we would make up, and then it would start again.

My post-separation experience was getting worse instead of stabilizing or resolving. I thought that my husband having had the affair was the worst thing he could do to me and my kids but I was wrong. He was being a selfish, neglectful father and a punishing ex-husband who was resisting efforts to reach a fair separation agreement. His obstinance continues.

In the past 28 months I have published 70 posts. I am hardly obsessed with talking about my situation. Many bloggers post daily or more. There were months I didn’t post at all. As things happened that I felt were important in my journey, I reflected or reported in my blog. The other woman is part of my journey. I understand why she isn’t happy I posted her identity. Nobody wants to be exposed for shameful behaviour. For me, it was important that I did.

I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.

Why would I adhere to the request of unknown user names that were degrading and mocking me and pretending to be me and pretending to be friends supporting me? Lies and Deceit got us here in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that type of behaviour and the people who carry it out.

The same is true for the other woman. If she had children, I never would have published that post. She certainly didn’t have my kids’ best interest in mind when she was pursuing their father and instrumental in the destruction of their family. To this day, she does not treat my children equally or put their needs above her own. Perhaps if instead she came to me with some semblance of humility, acknowledging what she did and the hurt and the damage she caused me and my girls, and then sharing how me posting the information that I did has hurt her, I might have shown some compassion and deleted at least some part of it. Instead, she thinks by blaming me and putting me down that I will bow down to her. I don’t owe her anything. Yet, she feels justified in trying to hurt and damage me more?

I allowed them their say on my blog to be fair and for people who have been following since the beginning to understand and experience a little of what I have had to taste during this entire process. it is one thing to read about it from me but to experience it first hand makes the picture clearer. It is all part of showing the ugliness of divorce. This is my story and my experience. It is ugly. We were good people who I thought loved each other very much and now we don’t. I will leave up their comments. I didn’t edited any of them. But now I take back control and will delete any of their comments going forward.

There are so many lessons in real life underscoring the reasons to not cheat. The possibility of getting caught may be part of the thrill but you never looked at the consequences of what could happen if you did get caught. You screwed around with my life and the life of my kids and at the same time you thought it was fun to screw around with my husband. Now you are exposed. I hope by me shining it under a light it may be a reminder to you to find your thrills in places that don’t ruin lives. If your life is ruined now too, as a result of my post, consider it your own doing. I never invited you into my life. You opened that door all on your own.

adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home. She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her. Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play. She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.” I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing. I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go. She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me. I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom. I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths. I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her. In probably less than 10 minutes she was back. I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely. She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them. The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter. After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her. Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov. It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews. Now we just call her “The Boov”.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, intimidation, lying, threats

Bullshit–If you smell something, say something

John Stewart ended his final hosting of the Daily Show tonight on Comedy Central with a segment on bullshit. He made the above statement. I just so happen to smell bullshit so I am saying something.

When my ex and Janice Andrews were in Ontario with my children, they returned to apparently find Janice’s vehicle vandalized. They reported the incident to Victoria Police. My ex texted my older daughter telling her that the police said that I was the number one suspect because I have an agenda. My older daughter texted my younger daughter saying that a window had been smashed in Janice’s car, it had been spray painted and keyed and that mom did it. My younger daughter told me that she had something funny to tell me. I asked what that was and then she asked me if I vandalized Janice’s car. I told her I did not and when she gave me the details I said that I didn’t think it was funny. She asked me what “agenda” meant and what it meant that the car was “keyed”. She also texted my older daughter back asking what was written on the car. My older daughter texted her back saying, “That is totally mom asking that and you weren’t suppose to tell her.” I never asked that question although I have to say that I am curious.

I explained to my younger daughter what “agenda” meant and I assured her that my only agenda was to make sure that daddy paid us what he agreed to pay in mediation and what he was legally responsible to pay. I told her I would just email my lawyer to handle. She said, “No, you can’t do that because then daddy will know we told you.” He was purposely trying to make me look bad to our children by making a very serious allegation against their mom without considering what that would do to them and how it would make them feel.

I did nothing wondering if it was even true but then the next morning I received a call from Vic PD. I told the constable that my kids already gave me a heads up. I told her that I had no idea what type of vehicle Janice drove or where she lived. The constable said that Janice’s vehicle was parked on my ex’s street, that the window hadn’t been smashed and that it appeared to be a random act of mischief as it was keyed and spray painted. She said that I was not a suspect, there was no evidence against me but because Janice and my ex made the complaint against me she told them she would speak with me.

Later that day I received an email that my ex sent to my lawyer, his lawyer and copied to me. It was filled with false statements and outright lies as well as a list of concerning actions that he was now taking.

This is what he wrote:

“Unfortunately I have to write to you both again with respect to an incident that occurred at my residence.

As you both are aware, I took my kids and girlfriend to Ontario to visit family from July 23 – Aug 2/15. Janice had parked her car in the driveway while we were away. We came home to find the vehicle had been vandalized. The car was spray painted and keyed causing considerable damage. The matter has been reported to Victoria Police and I believe they have been in contact with (my name). (My name) has denied any involvement which was expected, however I’m sure you will agree that it seems somewhat coincidental that the damages occur while we are away. It is also somewhat odd that the perpetrator only targeted her vehicle. There was no other reported incidents of vandalism or damage to others property or vehicles during that time period on the street.

(My name) for the last two and a half years has continued to harass Janice and myself. She was told by her first lawyer to have no contact with Janice, however she immediately left the appointment to confront Janice at her place of employment. She then wrote a letter to her employer asking that she be fired or disciplined. She contacted Janice’s former boyfriend. She has contacted people who work and formerly worked with my company to try and obtain information…(private information) She entered my home knowing full well I was away in Vancouver looking for a binder. She proceeded to search my home and went through my personal papers. This was brought to your attention and she was asked to not come to my home again unless invited. She proceeded to come to my home again.

She has recently come to my place of business, which I remind all, Janice also is a part time employee, to deliver receipts. This despite the fact that I asked her in 5 separate emails/text to not come to my office. I asked that she email her receipts, hand deliver to my home mailbox, or send by regular mail. She ignored my requests and showed up the next day to the office with receipts in hand. Her excuse was she hadn’t unpacked her scanner from moving.

In light of this latest incidence of vandalism, and the fact that (my name) shows a complete disregard for barriers, I have met with my partners this morning and advised them of the above. We are understandably concerned for the safety of our employees as well as our property. As such, (my name) is banned from the premises. She is not to come to the building for any reason whatsoever. All staff have been made aware of this and if (my name) fails to comply and comes to the building she will be asked to leave immediately and the police will be called.

I have also contacted my landlords and made them aware of this latest event. They were already aware of a prior incident a few months ago when (my name) backed out of my driveway and ran over a shrub damaging same. (My name) left the scene, however both my children witnessed the event and texted me to tell me what happened so I wouldn’t be blamed for it. My landlords wanted me to pay for the damage, however given the circumstances they have not pushed forward on this. Because of the damage to their own property and now a car of a guest at the home being damaged, they have said that (my name) is not welcome under any circumstances to come to the home. If she is dropping off or picking up kids, she will have to do so on the street.

(My name) has attempted to justify and use excuses such as no scanner or that I am trying to be difficult etc. The reality is there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to have any contact with me other than by text or email regarding our children. If she has a receipt that she thinks I should review and potentially compensate her, then that is fine, she can send it by email or regular mail. There’s no reason to come to my office to get copies made and hand deliver. And going forward this will not be tolerated.

I am writing this so that this is on the record to all. These types of harassment and bullying behaviours are completely unacceptable. This has been ongoing for more than two and a half years and it needs to stop. If this continues, or (my name) fails to comply going forward, we will take whatever legal means are necessary to obtain restraining orders and ensure she is criminally charged.

I trust my position on these issues is very clear to all.”

My response just summarized briefly:

Car was reported to police as being parked on the street. My ex is trying to make the act look less random and say now that the vehicle was parked in the driveway. My kids never saw Janice’s car at all. My older daughter left the house the next morning before the damage was reported and she never saw Janice’s car.
I have never harassed Janice or my ex.
I attended Janice’s work place a few days after finding out about the affair. I spoke to her for 3 minutes max. I wasn’t physical, violent, threatening, rude or disrespectful. I spoke in my regular voice and I was very calm. I didn’t cause any property damage. I wanted her to see my face and to know I was a real person, that we had real children that she was helping to destroy their family and I wanted to look her in the face and say that. My ex was never a part of a meeting where my lawyer told me to not contact Janice. My ex is trying to portray me as directly disobeying my lawyer and running out of his office and doing exactly what he told me not to do. I have had zero contact with Janice since that one time in over 2 1/2 years.
I never sent a letter to Janice’s work asking that she be fired or disciplined. There will be a record confirming that if we subpoena her employee file.
It was a fluke I contacted Janice’s 12-year common-law husband. My ex is trying to diminish her husband’s role in Janice’s life by calling him a “former boyfriend”. My ex also tried to diminish his role to Janice and maybe himself, too, during the affair where he referred to her husband as her “roommate” in his emails to Janice. Then he forgot about those emails he sent Janice that he knew I read and told me she didn’t have a roommate. He said that he had been to her house several times and no one else lived there. Caught in another lie. I never knew Janice’s husband existed but when he told me who he was I told him who I was. I didn’t know that Janice was cheating on someone too and more than 3 months after I found out about the affair he still didn’t know. She was continuing to live a double life with her spouse. My ex is trying to make it sound like I contacted someone from Janice’s past to stir up trouble and get information.
I have never contacted anyone that my ex used to work with or continues to work with. I know he pulled a subordinate into his office and that he threatened to fire her if she spoke to me. I brought my younger daughter to see her dad one day to drop off fundraising items that her dad was supposed to bring in for her. He was to be back in 10 minutes so we waited in the lobby. One of the secretaries said she would take my daughter around to sell. I waited in the lobby and this lady who I had met only one time when my ex introduced me to her at Starbucks came out and told me what he did. I told her that I knew he was paranoid we had spoke and I showed her my phone text messages saying several times to my ex that we never had. He apparently never spoke to her again. He made her life at work hell. My older daughter told me months later that this lady had a run in with another lady at their work and my ex intervened and said for someone to call the police and to escort her from the premise.
I have only gone to my ex’s home to see our daughter who lives there. I have never been there uninvited and I would never go when he was there. I did go through a large pile of opened and unopened mail that was noticeably addressed to me and my ex together. He had, unbeknownst to me, had all our banking mail redirected to his place. I was shocked to see all the mail in a pile spilling over with my name on it.
I still haven’t come across the box with my printer/scanner and needed to get the receipts to my ex. He still hasn’t paid them and it has been 5 weeks so they are now being handled by my lawyer. This was the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years I attended his office with receipts. I was warmly received and even hugged by one of my ex’s business partners. I was at his office for 5 minutes max and he copied the receipts, gave them back and I left. No scene. No public safety risk. No damage to property.
I did clip a bush backing out of my ex’s long, single, narrow driveway on June 4. My birth mom and both my girls were in the car with me. There was no visible damage. It made a loud scraping sound against my car though. On July 13 my older daughter was at my house and received a Facebook message from her dad. He was away and left his vehicle with my daughter. He messaged her saying he was just contacted by his landlord saying that they watched our daughter back out of the driveway and had some concern. They didn’t want her to get in trouble by her dad but just wanted to notify him to ask her to be careful because they thought a guest might have hit their bush but realized it was her. My girls and I were laughing about this. I told my daughter to tell her dad it was me. She said she was going to. She never said I already told him when it happened. I don’t know if I did do any damage to the bush or if my ex, my daughter or anyone visiting them may have clipped the bush, too, but if my ex was asked to pay for damage and he knew I may have caused it he would be going after me for sure. Because of the kindness of their landlord in their fear my daughter might get into trouble from her dad, I doubt they ever asked my ex to pay for damages as he claims. Sounds like they never thought he did it. If a vehicle was vandalized in their driveway they would have seen it and reported it to my ex or the police when he was away. It doesn’t even make sense “that given the circumstances they haven’t pushed forward on that.” I doubt they ever asked for anything. He said it was “months ago” I did this. If my kids had have texted him at the time he would have known when it happened. If they asked him months ago to pay for damage he wouldn’t say that they haven’t pushed forward on it because of an incident he just reported.

My ex is maliciously making false statements about me and spreading this to the police, public, our children and legal counselors to try to threaten, intimidate and bully me into doing what he wants. He continues to need to control where I go, who I talk to, and what I do. He has the audacity after all of this to send me an email the next day with a casual request for me to find documents for him from 2008 for his income tax return.

Until this is handled and remedied, I will have no contact with him for anything for my own protection. I have advised my lawyer and the police of his lies of which we now have written proof.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, children, Christianity, difficult personality, divorce, emails, family, God, legal obligations, lies

Bad Blood (band-aids don’t fix bullet holes) but who isn’t moving on ?

It is very interesting to me that my ex insists that I am not able to move on and that I am not happy. I am not sure if he really believes that or if it is wishful thinking on his part. It might be his way of trying to control my mind by telling me it isn’t true. It may just be him using this as an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do and to criticize my behaviour.

Alternatively, it may be that he is the one who really can’t move on. He seems to really need for me to forget that he committed adultery. He wants to sweep the resulting consequences under the rug and pretend like our lives are clean and neat. He chooses to punish me because he is having difficulty accepting his legal obligations, especially financially, that are going to continue to exist to me and our children, despite him so desperately wanting to run from us and pretend we don’t exist. No evidence of past life wanted! We are still tied to him financially but that doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on with our individual lives. We are moving forward, just on different paths.

The resulting email chain started with me just trying to get him to pay me for expenses he owes me. It went from business to ugliness fast. I was hoping that he would finally give up fighting me, pay what he is required to pay not only from our mediation agreement and separation agreement (very close to being finalized) but what he knows is his responsibility to pay. If he really has moved on there would be no need for him to fight me and try to control all of my actions. He would not need to “win” and punish me. He would just accept and do.

My frustration came out when he was trying to thwart my efforts to get expenses to him for reimbursement. Then he started to criticize me with my move and not going to my daughter’s grad dinner. He sent me an email saying: “No, you couldn’t go because you completely screwed up the move. I have been gone for 2 1/2yrs. You knew the house was selling since November and it had been formally sold for 2 ½ months. You had tons of time and help and as usual you left it too late. If you wanted assistance you could have asked. In the end all (our oldest daughter’s name) will remember is her mom refused to go. Pretty sad.”

I had lots of assistance, as he is aware (not sure how he knows but he mentions it) but as per my previous post there were glitches, complications and the movers didn’t plan ahead for how much manpower was required to move me. It had nothing to do with my preparation or lack thereof. I couldn’t move any earlier. But as usual my ex wants to blame me for everything. I did ask him for help but he refused. He has always refused every single request I have made to him since we separated. He made a conscious decision to leave everything for me to do.

My response: “(oldest daughter’s name) will also remember that her dad is a cheating louse and all the things that he did and failed to do after she suspected him, before she caught him, and then after she did catch him. She will always know that her dad is a liar and cheat and continues to put his own needs over his kids’ needs. We all have our memories, (husband’s name). I choose to live in the present not the past or the future.

His response: “Oh I suspect the only one who carries that memory is you. All others have forgiven and moved on. You clearly have not by the things you continue to write and say. Someone who lives in the present wouldn’t be emailing her ex to bring up the past…..just saying…”

I can’t win. I wasn’t emailing to bring up the past. I was just making a point that we can’t control people’s memories. The night of my daughter’s grad ceremony, that I did attend, my daughter was reading the card that my younger daughter and I gave her. She commented that my younger daughter made a spelling mistake. She mentioned remembering winning a spelling bee when she was in Grade 3 and she said she remembered that I was there. I have been at everything my daughter participated in throughout her school years. I missed her grad dinner yet I still showed up as grubby as can be in my sweaty moving clothes so I could see her. Maybe that is what she will remember. Mom still made the biggest effort to be there when circumstances were preventing it from happening.

In the meantime, there is a parallel conversation going on with my ex that should have been all business. It relates to expenses I have paid on our behalf. Since my move I still haven’t found the box with my printer/scanner. I had receipts to send my ex and asked if he was in the office on Thursday so I could drop them off and so he could photocopy them and give me back the originals. Records for both of us. I have only had to go to his office once before to do this when my scanner wasn’t working.

His response: “I have a busy day. Drop them in my mail box at my place and I’ll copy them.”

My response: “No, because if they go missing I don’t have any extra receipt. I’ll take them to your office and the receptionist can copy them and leave them for you.”

His response: “NO. You don’t need to come to my office. I’ve told you before and I’ll repeat it. You are not to come here unless I ask. Otherwise my work is off limits to you. Drop in my mailbox or find another way.

My response: “Then you can pay me based on my word and then come and see the bills for confirmation if you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you? I told you why I won’t leave the originals. I know you. You will say you never received them and say you can’t pay me then and since I don’t have a copy I won’t be able to prove the amount to you. I told you my printer/scanner/copier is still packed away. Do you think I would want to come to your office? Do you think that is something that is even remotely comfortable for me to do? If you say I can only come when you ask then obviously there is no big deal if I come and you are just trying to control me for no reason. If you need the bill then I have every right to get you the bill so I know you receive it so you stop having excuses to not pay me. Last time you complained to the lawyers that I went to your house and I am not using (our daughter) as a go between. (Our daughter) should have the original alteration bill anyway. She picked up the dress. Did you not take her to do this?

His response: (My name) it’s not my responsibility to substantiate your expenses. (Our daughter) doesn’t have a copy of the receipt and I didn’t take her to get her dress. If you want to get paid you need to find a way to send me a copy of the receipt without coming into my office. I frankly could care less how you feel about coming here. You’re not welcome here so that is not an option for you. You have boundary issues. Always have. I respected your request for me not to enter the family home and you need to respect my wishes and not enter my home or place of employment unless I ask you too. You can go online and obtain a copy of your statement showing that payment. It’s not a difficult procedure and you can then email it to me.”

My response: “Who cares if I am welcome or not at your office. You are trying to make it difficult for me to get you the information. That is the easiest, fastest and most reliable way. If you don’t want to set a time to meet me outside so you can photocopy the receipt and give it back to me then I will leave it with your receptionist to do so. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. The only boundary issues that were an issue was you coming into the (street name) residence when no one else was in the house. At least there are witnesses at your office to support that all I am doing is dropping off expense documentation that you won’t pay otherwise. I can get someone else to go in instead of me if that will help solve the problem of me being there. People will just think the person is an insured leaving you expenses. Will that work?”

His response: “Do you have difficulty understanding my emails? You, your friends etc are not welcome here. Copy and paste your statement and email it. That is the quickest and easiest method. Stop wasting my time with these emails. You’ve been asked several times in the past not to come here so don’t. It’s a $65 invoice. I’m sure you can wait until you can copy and give to (younger daughter’s name) or deliver to my home mailbox. This isn’t a rush by any stretch of the imagination so stop.”

My response: Firstly, under no circumstance are we to give our girls items to be passed back and forth to each other. That puts them in an awkward position and is unfair and wrong. Stop putting our girls in the middle. I am not providing you with my entire bank statement. It was a credit card bill and I don’t receive those on line. The other expense was someone else picking them up on our behalf and paying with their credit card bill. They installed them and I paid them cash. There is also a fee for them to pick up and install that I forgot until right now so thank you for reminding me. I will make sure I get an invoice from them for that so you can pay your share of the $50 since you didn’t want to be responsible for ensuring any of the conditions to the home were met with any effort on your part. I get a paper copy of my credit card statements and I don’t have it yet for the grad dress and can’t copy it anyway. What are you not understanding? I am not delivering anything to you without a copy because you are untrustworthy. Stop trying to do what you can to make sure you don’t get the receipts. If you are that concerned that I or an independent body will show up at your office to get a copy of a receipt and leave it with you then pay the $65 and your share of the $83 for the smoke detectors as well as $25 for the pick up and install service fee and don’t waste more time for either of us. It may not be a big deal to you but you are not the one financing my expenses. Also, I have pet expenses to give you.”

His Response: “I gave you an option. If you don’t like it then use the options I’ve provided. If you or a representative for you comes to my office I will discuss it with your lawyer and consider a restraining order. This email exchange is very clear. You or anyone on your behalf is not to come here end of story. You can email, use regular mail. Those are your options.”

My response: “Go ahead and try to get a restraining order. I am getting you the receipts the best way that I can. I am not at your office to stalk you, harass you or to carry out any type of violence. I have even proposed someone else attending instead of me. You can’t restrain every single person who knows me from entering your office. You are acting unreasonably. You are bullying me, trying to control me and prevent me from getting you the information you need to pay me. I told you that I have no interest of going there as well and if you want to arrange a time to meet me outside we can if you need copies, otherwise, you can come to my place and view the receipts but this needs to be arranged sooner than later because I need the money.”

I attended his office. One of his partners was standing outside when I arrived. He hugged me and we had a lovely conversation. I said that I was just there to drop off something for (ex’s name) and was he in? He said that he didn’t know as he had just come back and was going to grab a bite to eat. I said it was nice to see him and went inside. I was greeted warmly by my ex’s receptionist. I asked if my ex was in and she wasn’t sure but went to check. My ex came out and whispered he wasn’t going to copy anything. I asked if he wanted me to do it or if he wanted me to ask the receptionist to do it. The receptionist returned to her desk and my ex took all the receipts and copied them.

It has been more than 1 week and I still haven’t received any reimbursement. The invoices total $197.95.

This is how it ends:

Me. “Your emails are really pissing me off. I think of you as little as possible. I don’t forgive you and never will. I want nothing to do with you ever. I can’t even stand to look at your face when I see you and you may not notice but I don’t look at you. There is nothing good about you. I have no memories of you I want to keep or care to even think about. It was all just a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Every time you spew some of your hatred like I screwed up the move or want to push me down by saying something about (my birth mom’s name) and me or whoever and me and saying I haven’t changed I wonder why you can’t just leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up. You’re the one who hasn’t moved on. You can’t stop bullying me. I don’t know what your motive is to be involved in my life in anyway but you are not invited. Keep whatever ugliness you have in your heart inside and don’t talk to me about it, text me about it or email me about it, ever. It has nothing to do with you but you want to get involved and offer some mean and negative opinion and I have no idea why except that your heart is just full of evil and needs to spin it constantly. It just reminds me how much I despise you and how lucky I am to not have to have you as part of my life. I could not care less if you live or if you die. Nothing about you matters to me. I feel this way about no one else in the world except you. I suspect that will some how excite you and make you think that you are some how special. Fill your boots but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.”

My ex: ” Doesn’t sound very Christian like as you claim to be. Anyways the solution is quite easy if my emails piss you off. Stop contacting me. That includes not coming to my home and place of employment. Stop making excuses for coming to see me. Spin it whatever way you want, there’s no reason you had to deliver those receipts. So make it easier on the both of us and discontinue contacting me. ”

Me: “You are fucking hilarious. I am spinning it? You think I want to come and see you? Do you think I was hoping you were in the office? It made zero difference to me if you were there or if you weren’t otherwise I would have called first, I would have worn makeup and I would have dressed nicer than my 10 year old work clothes. Not interested in seeing you, could care less if you see me or what you think of me. Hence my need to tell you to shut the fuck up about anything you feel the need to say to me. I don’t care. Don’t waste your energy thinking about me at all.

It is all about the money and what you owe me and you know dropping off the receipts is the only way right now I could ensure you received a copy of what you owed. So narcissistic of you. Get a grip buddy. You will be contacted by me only when necessary and if it has to be in person, it will be in person. Today, sadly for you, it is only my email you get. Here it is:

Please issue me an e-transfer as per the receipts I gave you in person on Friday. The full amount for (our daughter’s name) grad dress alterations–$65. 50% of the dumping fee to get the house ready to sell–$126.50 (your share is $63.25); 50% of the cat food, cat litter and dog food expenses ($40.87 + $13.43 + $85.10). Your share of the pets is $69.70. The total amount of the e-transfer should be $197.95.

My ex: “Another email from the person who claims they want nothing to do with me yet continues to contact me to tell me how happy she is and has moved on?? Really?? Your constant rants about me would suggest otherwise. You have no reason to come to my office. Pay to copy the items you are wishing reimbursement and either drop off copies at my home address in the mail box, send it by regular mail or email. So that it’s clear, and apparently it’s not since I asked you 5 times last week to not come to my office. DO NOT COME TO MY OFFICE AGAIN unless I choose to extend an invite to you. You are not welcome here and if you chose to do this again, I will escort you right back out the door.”

Me: “More threats from you–yawn. The best way to solve this issue is to pay me based on what I tell you and you can review the receipts at a later date in time convenient to both of us. Try to be mature and take grown up actions. If I’m not welcome at your office, why would you extend an invitation to me? Do you think I’ll be watching the mail for an invite? Have I ever gone to anything you’ve invited me to attend with you in the last 2 plus years?

If it makes you happy to think I am not happy and I haven’t moved on think away. If you want to think you have the biggest cock out there, are the best lover, that I can’t have an orgasm or enjoy sex with anyone else, that you make the most money, are the kindness, nicest, gentlest man, are wiser, more intelligent than any other I could possibly be with, are more educated, funnier, wittier than anyone else in my life right now, are better looking, more athletic, more generous, better to my children than anyone else could possibly be, think, think, think, away. You left in the first place because your thinking was all wrong so why would you change it now? Think what you want but keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t want you in my life in anyway so I don’t need or want to hear what you think about me, my life or anything else for that matter.”

Me Ex: “Like I’ve repeated in the past, your actions, words etc speak volumes to the bitterness and anger that you have pent up inside. Your repeated actions of entering my home and place of employment despite requests not to do so reveals your true character. You have no boundaries. You don’t respect anyone or their wishes. You’ve been asked by 3 lawyers and who knows how many counselors and yet you continue to defy their advice, requests admonishing to be mature and not have contact.

Believe me I would love for you to move on. Have wanted that for a very long time. Have expressed this many a time to you. You simply can’t let it go. Look at the silliness of the things you write below? Listen to the way and how you speak. You’re still calling me names every chance you get. Unprovoked you have to stand at the top of a mountain and yell out the things you do and then say how happy you are? Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. If your happy that’s great, I’m happy for you. You don’t need to tell me that. If you’re truly happy, everyone will see that. If you have to tell people you’re happy then clearly you’re not.

You seem to think that you can say how happy you are, yet at the same time call me names, put me down, write things about me that are false. Is that the works of a happy person? You come across as such a hypocrite. Claiming to love God and have God in your life and yet you speak the way you do? I think God would be ashamed of you, because you are not exhibiting any signs of a person who has a relationship with God. Do you follow any of the teachings of the God you claim to follow?”

My final remarks: I was done sending any more emails after that. There is no point trying to argue with him against his lies and half truths and it is pointless to try to defend my relationship with God. It is just another way of him trying to make me feel bad. He is always trying to put me on the defensive and I am done.

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and I certainly understand why. It tears everyone apart. When God brings two people together and a vow is made to him by both parties and to each other to be faithful, to love, honour, etc. how must God feel when one of those people who made that vow suddenly throws everything he was given back in God’s face and acts like it wasn’t good enough, that God doesn’t know what is best. God may feel even worse than I felt because his love is way deeper than how we are capable of loving. The ingratitude he must feel for everything he gave us and did for us. When we are in sin and try to do things our way this is what happens. When we act ungodly chaos ensues and it is devastating on every level. No one should be surprised at the results. Satan is the accuser and it should be no surprise my ex is accusing me of everything he can throw at me.

In response to the rest of his email I do have anger and bitterness around the way my ex continues to treat me, not because of the affair. The frustration that leads me to act out verbally surrounds his continued need to try and control me, making me jump through hoops, bullying me and not following through with his legal responsibilities. I don’t keep it pent up inside as he claims. I speak it, release it and take action to deal with his attempts to treat me unfairly especially in the area of finances. He is clinging very hard to control the financial aspect of my life as that is all that is left between us. Our older daughter is the other area that he tries to use to manipulate me.

It is so interesting that he calls my actions “silliness” and says that I can’t let go. It costs us both time, energy and money every time he does this and lawyers get involved. My solution now is that I won’t pay for anything for my older daughter that my ex is to reimburse because I don’t need the aggravation and I can’t afford it. I will have to go back to my lawyer to get her to collect what is owed through Dave’s lawyer and to go back to the mediator/arbitrator and get her to rewrite her wording regarding my ex’s requirement to pay 50% of the pet expenses. I will ask for him to be required to pay me within 5 days or he will have to incur interest payment to me. A penalty may help with compliance.

I don’t respect my ex at all for his continued behaviour. There is no one else that I am disrespecting. He has never been privy to any conversations between me and my counselors or my lawyer and none of them have told me to not contact him. You reader and my friends have advised me of this but one would expect us to be able to work together for the common good of our children and being able to deal with matters without legal involvement. He never went to counseling to help him to be able to do this and he would not participate with me and the girls to learn how to do this. He hasn’t been able to do it on his own. I really wonder if these are facts in his mind. There is a disconnect of how he processes and understands information and he lacks insight. I have never written anything to him or anyone else about him that is false. I wonder what people say to him that makes him think this. I don’t think we talk to the same people anymore so he is probably going back to when the affair was first discovered. He did try to make a big deal to his lawyer about me going to his house to see my daughter on 2 occasions but my lawyer said nothing about it. Again, he was trying to make an issue out of nothing to distract from real issues he wanted to avoid. I haven’t been back to his house because it isn’t worth it but it is my older daughter who loses because of his accusations and it is so odd that he gave me going to his house as an option to get him receipts when even in these email rants he tells me not to go to his house.

My ex is untrustworthy on every level and proves it over and over again so I cannot trust what he says even in his tirades. If he had really moved on he would accept it and take responsibility for what he owes. He would accommodate me to get him receipts and pay in a timely fashion instead of hanging on for dear life and fighting it.

If he didn’t provoke me there would be no need for a chain of nasty emails. Although my ex feels like I am yelling from a mountaintop he isn’t hearing me. I tried to turn up the volume in my last emails but still nothing. For the most part I keep my cool and handle or get my lawyer to handle but I would think the time is here when enough is enough. If he really wants me to move on then he needs to let me move on by dealing with our current situation in a business-like manner. He needs to move on himself in order to be able to achieve this state.

adultery, affair, children, divorce, moving

Happy Birthday Move

June 25 was my birthday. It was also my move day.

The day started with my ex texting me wishing me a happy birthday and asking me if I would be going to our older daughter’s grad dinner the next night. I had initially planned on going, 4 days before it was to happen, even though the timing was terrible. Our house closed the day of grad dinner at 5:00 p.m. I was moving the day before and was planning on just leaving the close day as my cleaning day but based on past move experiences I was aware of the potential for unforeseen glitches.

In the weeks leading up to our move, I had no help from any of the 3 other people responsible for the accumulation of stuff that was in the house. I alone was placed with the burden to pack and move everyone else’s things. I had garage sales, took items to auction, posted items for sale on line, consignment, donation, friends, the dump, etc. but the pile remained. It was 23 years of life with someone else, 17 years of one daughter’s things and 13 years of another. It included stuff given to us when my ex’s grandmothers past away and when his parents downsized to live in their cottage as well as items boxed up and moved here when my mom passed. t included boxes that had never been opened by us when we moved here 7 years ago. Yet no one else wanted to take responsibility for going through boxes, making decisions about what to keep and throw out and actually packing those things and taking them with them.

4 days before my oldest daughter’s grad dinner (I went to her grad ceremony the night before and took her, her sister and even my ex to dinner afterwards because he bought my grad dinner ticket), she parroted her dad. I asked her to come and sort through her boxes to see what she wanted to keep and take with her to her dad’s place or university and what she wanted to discard. She told me that if she was going to be “forced” to come over I better have her boxes out and ready to go through and not waste her time. I told her that I needed her to come with an attitude to help and that she at the very least could take responsibility for her own belongings. She told me that by her not helping it would teach me not to procrastinate and that I was only trying to get someone else to do my work for me. I reminded her that in the days leading up to the move when she knew I had a zillion things to do that she had no problem asking me to do things for her. I was driving her around to get her grad dress altered, her eyebrows threaded, and other errands she had asked me to do with her between my own appointments with lawyers and packing and getting rid of unwanted items. She never showed up to help.

My birthday move, however, was going well. A friend showed up at 8:30 a.m. with a big box of giant garbage bags and an Iced Capp from Tim Hortons. Another friend showed up with cookies for me. Another friend went to school and picked up my daughter and her friend for me (last day of school and the kids only had to go for 1 1/2 hours). The movers arrived. Friends came to help clean and pack up last minute items. My youngest daughter’s friends came and helped her finish up her packing and cleaning her bathroom and bedroom. I had a ton of birthday phone calls, emails, texts and Facebook messages that I was too busy to respond to or acknowledge until 4 days later. A friend brought pizza and a birthday cake over for dinner and anyone who was around stayed and we had a little party. Another friend brought me tiny donuts still warm from the Sidney Summer market. (My friends know me and my sweet tooth very well). Another couple of friends came and moved my t.v. and computer as the cable/internet provider was coming to my new place to hook things up the next day.

It was a long, busy and tiring day but through it all I felt loved and supported. I felt very happy to be physically moving on to the next chapter in my life.

children, dance, divorce, mediation, separation agreement, special expenss

A moment of conscience and acceptance of responsibility

I was shocked when my ex turned up at my house on Friday with cheques for 70% of my youngest daughter’s dance payments to begin September 2015 including a direct withdrawal authorization form for her studio.

As per our mediation agreement, he is to pay this amount but he was also to pay 50% of these payments for the period of November 6, 2014 to June 26, 2015 (date of mediation to when the house sale closes) and it never happened. The arrears will be deducted from any amount he is due from the sale of the house.

I suggested several times that he attend my daughter’s dance registration on June 12 so he can participate in the process of determining what dance classes he is prepared to help finance. He was already relaying to my lawyer through his lawyer that he couldn’t afford to pay for any dance so when he asked me the cost of what she wanted to take I figured it was only so he could say, “No.”

To help save money, my daughter dropped Hip Hop classes for last season and agreed to not participate in the summer dance camp. To help ensure she could continue to dance next season, she chose to drop Musical Theatre and again to not participate in the summer dance camp. I explained this to my ex, calculated what I thought the monthly fee would be for next year, the costume deposit amount and the registration fee.

When I returned from registration I texted him to thank him for paying his share of the expenses and to confirm she was registered. I also let him know that I had miscalculated the amount. At her level, she is required to take a Ballet Tech class for 1 1/4 hours/week. That translates to $23 additional monthly dollars ($230 in total for the whole year). I also missed one costume deposit. She takes Pointe ballet. At her level for next season she is required to perform Pointe in the recital. The costume deposit, that doesn’t have to be paid until October 1, 2015, is $60. I apologized twice for my mistake and let him know the amount he owed is $201. I let him know that I already covered this with the studio by adding it to my monthly withdrawal and in my costume deposit cheque.

I anticipated an angry, “you messed up, you pay the difference”, response but instead I received, “That’s okay. We’ll work it out.”

I actually texted back to him, “Who are you and what did you do with my ex?”

affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: children