adultery, affair, British Columbia, cheating, divorce, ex spouse, Family Law, legal system, separation agreement

Consent Order

I have given my lawyer all the receipts that my ex has failed to reimburse. Given the difficulties that I am experiencing with respect to reimbursement she has advised that an enforceable court order is required. I am only asking for reimbursement of items that we agreed to in mediation.  I sent him an email today to confirm his position.  This was his response:
“There is no failure to honour our agreement? I chose to pay those expenses you had incurred at mediation to resolve the issue. There was no agreement that going forward those expenses would be reimbursed.   You receive spousal support and within that you have to make due with whatever expenses you choose to incur. You claim to the girls you have no money but yet you’re going away this upcoming weekend?? Maybe you should focus your efforts on unpacking boxes and getting your new home in order rather than emailing me incessantly. Move on with your life and stop trying to get me to pay every little thing here and there. I have never asked you to contribute to anything but you are always asking me to pay for some little thing here and there. I pay my support on time and in full. You say you want nothing to do with me, so please don’t. Stop contacting me. If there is something that was a legitimate expense, then email or regular mail it. You don’t have to see me or drop off things to me. There’s no reason other than something to do with our kids that you need to have any contact with me.”
My ex’s lawyer is away on vacation for 2 weeks.  He is aware this is how we are proceeding.  He told my lawyer that if I proceed to get a court order then my ex will request a restraining order against me from attending his work.  We are fine with this.  The only reason I have ever attended his work (twice in the last 2 1/2 years) is to drop off expenses. The first time I attended his office with receipts my scanner wasn’t working and this most recent time my scanner is still packed in a box somewhere. Regardless of him receiving receipts, he isn’t paying.
We will write my ex’s lawyer our position in 2 weeks upon his return from vacation.  Failing a response that my ex agrees to give a Consent Order, we are immediately filing an application in court.
I just reviewed the mediation agreement and it is very clear that pet expenses were not an “interim expense pending the sale of the house” as some things in our mediation agreement were written up under this category. Even my ex’s lawyer, when he wrote up the good copy of the separation agreement based on the mediation agreement, wrote up a 50/50 split of pet expenses.  My lawyer indicates that pets are treated like children in family law.
We are applying to have the anticipated future expenses added on to the spousal/child support payments so I don’t have to finance my ex’s share or chase him down for reimbursement.  I can then provide the order to Family Maintenance and they will collect the monthly amount from my ex and provide it to me.  They do the chasing down and they have procedures in place to enforce payment.  It gives me an even further distance from my ex as I don’t even have to get a monthly etransfer notice from him.  The sum is directly deposited into my account by Family Maintenance.
The order is also to ensure we get full disclosure from my ex.  He still hasn’t provided his 2014 tax return. Therefore, the spousal and child support amounts are inaccurate. His lawyer promised it in June and is now promising it again in August.  Filing tax returns in Canada is considered late and penalties are imposed if your return is not filed by April 30. Avoiding, delaying and refusing has been the same old pattern we have experienced for the past 2 years.  They are also refusing to provide my ex’s banking information saying it is not relevant when in fact we have a very legitimate reason for requesting it.  There are transactions that don’t make sense so it appears he has failed to disclose at least one account. As per the mediation rules, if he failed to disclose, that money is automatically awarded to me.
After my ex sent me the quoted email above he sent me a further email today.
“Oh by the way i bought (younger daughter’s name) some sandals today that cost $125 which i expect you to reimburse me for. You can do an etransfer for me.”
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children, dance, divorce, mediation, separation agreement, special expenss

A moment of conscience and acceptance of responsibility

I was shocked when my ex turned up at my house on Friday with cheques for 70% of my youngest daughter’s dance payments to begin September 2015 including a direct withdrawal authorization form for her studio.

As per our mediation agreement, he is to pay this amount but he was also to pay 50% of these payments for the period of November 6, 2014 to June 26, 2015 (date of mediation to when the house sale closes) and it never happened. The arrears will be deducted from any amount he is due from the sale of the house.

I suggested several times that he attend my daughter’s dance registration on June 12 so he can participate in the process of determining what dance classes he is prepared to help finance. He was already relaying to my lawyer through his lawyer that he couldn’t afford to pay for any dance so when he asked me the cost of what she wanted to take I figured it was only so he could say, “No.”

To help save money, my daughter dropped Hip Hop classes for last season and agreed to not participate in the summer dance camp. To help ensure she could continue to dance next season, she chose to drop Musical Theatre and again to not participate in the summer dance camp. I explained this to my ex, calculated what I thought the monthly fee would be for next year, the costume deposit amount and the registration fee.

When I returned from registration I texted him to thank him for paying his share of the expenses and to confirm she was registered. I also let him know that I had miscalculated the amount. At her level, she is required to take a Ballet Tech class for 1 1/4 hours/week. That translates to $23 additional monthly dollars ($230 in total for the whole year). I also missed one costume deposit. She takes Pointe ballet. At her level for next season she is required to perform Pointe in the recital. The costume deposit, that doesn’t have to be paid until October 1, 2015, is $60. I apologized twice for my mistake and let him know the amount he owed is $201. I let him know that I already covered this with the studio by adding it to my monthly withdrawal and in my costume deposit cheque.

I anticipated an angry, “you messed up, you pay the difference”, response but instead I received, “That’s okay. We’ll work it out.”

I actually texted back to him, “Who are you and what did you do with my ex?”

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affair, court, divorce, fighting, legal issues, separation agreement

The Wolf and the Lamb

I received an email from my lawyer today with a copy of an email from my ex’s lawyer. He was complaining I let myself into his house when he was away in Vancouver. Then he said I did the same thing the next week. His lawyer wrote my lawyer saying my behaviour was “troubling” and I had “boundary issues”. This is how he wastes our money. Money that could be spent on our kids’ needs, on my housing needs, on debt repayment and I am sure he has needs as well. Making up stories with half-truths to try and paint me in a poor light is only my ex’s ploy to deflect from the real issues of his non-compliance. There is no legal issue. No reason to involve lawyers. No crime committed. Nothing the lawyers can do.

His complaints come only because I have outlined the next steps that I have to take if he continues to refuse to split the pre-separation debt with me. I cannot and should not have to pay back $75,000 all on my own. He asked for the supporting documentation which I sent him and spelled it out very clearly. He said he would discuss this with his lawyer. He got back to me later in the day giving his reason that he wasn’t going to contribute because he didn’t think I would take him to court as it will cost me more than the $35,000 I will gain from him if I am successful.

Then I asked him about the documents he has failed to provide to my lawyer that we need to move forward. He claims first he only just received notice they were needed last week and he was out of town. Then that changed to him saying he already provided everything. That changed to him saying he couldn’t provide his full income tax return because he hasn’t filed it yet. Then he claimed his life insurance never lapsed and it has been in force all along for $500,000. I asked him then why his lawyer wrote saying he was shopping for premium rates and that he should only have to get $300,000 in coverage instead of the $750,000 he had before. Then he claimed that his lawyer released funds to my lawyer from a property we sold that was to pay for all the things he was supposed to pay for in our mediation agreement but hasn’t. He said that I chose not to use this money. He said as a result I can pay the consequences for that decision. My lawyer is not at liberty to disperse any of that money without my ex and his lawyer confirming in writing how it can be spent and I have seen her letters following up repeatedly for this information.

I will address his complaint about my boundary issues and letting myself into his place in my next post. But as I was watching a rare electrical storm for this area and unable to sleep, I pulled out a copy of Aesop’s Fables. I came across one about the wolf and the lamb and it underscores perfectly what is happening between me and my ex with this current situation.

“As a wolf was lapping at the head of a running brook he spied a lamb daintily paddling her feet some distance down the stream.
“There’s my supper,” thought the wolf. “But I’ll have to find some excuse for attacking such a harmless creature.”
So he shouted down at the lamb: “How dare you stir up the water I am drinking and make it muddy?”
“But you must be mistaken, ” bleated the lamb. “How can I be spoiling your water, since it runs from you to me and not from me to you?”
“Don’t argue,” snapped the wolf. “I know you. You are the one who was saying those ugly things about me behind my back a year ago.”
“Oh, sir,” replied the lamb, trembling, “a year ago I was not even born.”
“Well,” snarled the wolf, “if it was not you, then it was your father, and that amounts to the same thing. Besides, I’m not going to have you argue me out of my supper.”
“Without another word he fell upon the helpless lamb and tore her to pieces.”

“The Application: ANY EXCUSE WILL SERVE A TYRANT.”

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adultery, affair, cheating, child support, divorce, legal system, mediation, separation agreement, settlement agreement, spousal support

Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

“’cause it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.”
Any Other World-Mika

I don’t get it. I didn’t have the affair. My ex is still with the other woman. Shouldn’t he be happy? He has moved on and has ended pretty much every email to me over the last 2 plus years telling me to move on. Then why won’t he let me move on? Why will he not do the right thing? Why will he not give me a fair separation agreement we can both live with? He is doing anything to avoid having to pay me spousal and child support and divide our assets fairly. Why does he refuse, ignore, deny, delay, and avoid his obligations to provide documentation to his lawyer so his lawyer can get it to my lawyer. His lawyer is a personal friend. Shouldn’t there be some pride to want to show your friend you are good person; a responsible person? His lawyer is frustrated, too. Shouldn’t my ex just feel slightly bad for his actions (adultery, cheating, lying, deception, tearing family apart) that he want at the very least a fair settlement for me and his children? Shouldn’t his conscience really make him want to err on the side of generous? Not even close.

My lawyer has sent correspondence to me over the last 2 months confirming that she has “AGAIN” asked my ex’s lawyer to provide his 2014 full tax return; confirmation he has life insurance and if he won’t get it his position in writing for the lowball amount ($450,000 less than he had before we separated)that he says he will get (was supposed to be in place in November 2014 as per the mediation agreement) so we can return to the mediator for a ruling; confirmation that he is going to pay me the expenses he agreed to cover at our November 6, 2014 mediation that he still hasn’t contributed a dime towards–his daughter’s dance, just 50%, 50% of the pet expenses for pets he is the listed owner of but who he abandoned saying he isn’t allowed pets where he lives; 50% of expenses needed to get our house ready to list; 50% of our joint expenses like our home insurance and home maintenance; reimbursement of money he took out of our joint account to pay his personal bills when I was the only one putting money into that account (it was agreed at mediation we would close the account but he would never make arrangements to do that with me or respond to any of my follow ups until I finally stopped putting money in, stopped financing his personal bill payments and now it is overdrawn by $1500 because joint bills have continued to come out of it on automatic withdrawal as well as banking fee expenses and the overdraft from him taking money out.

I am not asking for back spousal and child support for the past 2 years when he made the most he has earned in his life and I had both children living with me. All I am asking for is a fair split of our pre-separation debt 50/50. This was money used to buy shares in his company that he is keeping and a rental property that he is keeping that he insists has a $0 value. Plus money that I used to pay our personal pre-separation bills, our daughter’s private school tuition, all documented, because I was the person who took care of bill payments. He makes $148,000/year. Last year he only made $139,000. I receive $13,000/year on Canada Pension Plan disability benefits because I am not able medically to work.

My lawyer spelled it out clearly to my ex’s lawyer. My ex has done everything that he can do to “exhaust me financially”.

My lawyer has asked for confirmation of the value of the rental property–the mortgage details and the account information where the rental income is received. She has asked for confirmation of the value of his company shares and other dividends he receives on shares that he never even disclosed that he had until I brought that information forward in mediation. My lawyer has asked for a print out from his bank of his bank account information because oddly enough there are mysterious transactions that would lead one to assume he has at least one other bank account he has failed to disclose. This information was asked for in the year prior to our mediation and continues to be asked for and ignored.

Mediation was supposed to save us money. I am no closer to a separation agreement and a divorce than I was on the day we separated. My legal bills would have paid for my daughter’s first year of tuition at university and her residency. I am sure my ex’s are adding up as well even with the friend lawyer.

When is enough enough? When will he stop feeding his ego with a need to “win” and understand that there is no winning. I remember him sharing with me that growing up he and his mom would fight and they both would dig in and not talk to the other for weeks. The one who spoke to the other first lost. His mom confirmed that to me. Where was the adult example here? Really, what did either of them win doing that? He was the same way with me during our marriage. Always the silent treatment to punish. Always the withholding to punish. I am sure the cheating was another form of punishing me. What does he think he is winning?

I have asked him if we would meet to see if we could try yet again to reach an agreement together avoiding further legal expenses and what will end up going to court after all. He said, “Yes.” But all I have heard is when he can’t meet with me. I’ve asked him to tell me instead when he can meet with me and I will be there–11:00 p.m. or 6:00 a.m. any day of the week. All I heard from him was this: “Can you pick up our daughter from dance next Friday? I have a golf tournament in Nanaimo and I won’t be back until 9:00 p.m.” I said, “Yes.”

As far as getting together to solve our separation, I have yet to hear from him.

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