adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, the other woman

“Out Damned Spot”

It is very fascinating to me that Dave is trying so hard to turn me into a guilty person.

He is specifically trying to shift blame off himself and accuse me of a variety of offences: I don’t shower, I don’t get out of bed, I don’t enjoy a beautiful day, I do yoga, I do expensive yoga, I go to Starbucks, I am a bad mother, I don’t work, I don’t unpack boxes, I expect him to pay my ferry fare, I am defrauding the government, I steel photos, I bully, and the list goes on and on including the bizarre claim that I have kitty litter all over my house.

What is especially interesting to me is that Dave is fabricating my involvement in an adulterous affair.  He’s even trying to name names, describe vehicles and pull in other people and details to pad his lie. Then he takes it further and calls me a slut.

I came to the realization that he must be feeling so guilty of committing adultery on me that he is trying to get me to share in his guilt. He is trying to shed his own experience and deal it to me instead.

Guilt is described in Macbeth as “Life’s fitful fever”. When you look at the comments made by Dave and his underlings they are certainly exhibiting feverish fits. 2 1/2 years post my discovery of the affair, the fits rage on.  They are consuming Dave’s life to the point that he can’t suppress them anymore.  These are not new rants to me (except for the kitty litter).  These are obviously not new rants to his henchman because they repeat the exact same accusations he has been trying to heap on me from the beginning. That ‘s why all of the 12 (yep, a new one appeared since I last counted) identities commenting on my blog lately seem like Dave himself.  But now he has a new audience of blog followers to try to relieve himself on.

Like Lady Macbeth tried to assure Macbeth “what’s done is done”, Dave has tried repeatedly to convince me of the same thing. I am to “get over it” and “stop living in the past.” “Move on” is his modus operandi. The problem for Dave is that he can’t convince himself. The truth is that adultery is permanent and the guilt it casts on the perpetrator sticks to the conscience despite actions to try and feign otherwise.  Like the wife Dave left, he can’t ignore his guilt either.

Macbeth got no peace from satisfying his ambition to take King Duncan’s throne. Dave is getting no peace either. He may have conquered Janice and tried to make her into a legitimate relationship but his life experience is miserable. He gives glimpses of his life by indicating he “isn’t living in the lap of luxury” and with his anger and nasty attacks on anyone who would dare support my side of events and his paranoia over my cause of anything that goes wrong in his and Janice’s life, his guilt is all-consuming.  Probably because he feels he and Janice deserve to have bad things happen to them and deserve to have people stand against them.

Wikipedia describes guilt as “an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.” I remember Dave’s indignation when we found out, shortly after attending our friend’s wedding, that her new husband was having an affair. The affair started before the wedding.  Deceit has always been a huge moral faux pas for Dave. I now think it is because he lives with deceit in his character.  He has difficulty with trust because he himself is untrustworthy and as happened with one of his business partners, if he catches you in a lie, watch out!

Well Dave, keep screaming and washing your hands. The blood, so to speak, isn’t coming out. Like the scarlet letter ‘A’ (was that what was spray-painted on Janice’s car?), your mark is permanent.  It is going to follow you around for life.  Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end well for Macbeth.

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abuse, adultery, affair, bullying, cheating, deceit, divorce, fighting, lies, pack behaviour, pack mentality

Feeding Frenzy and Understanding Dave’s Pack of Wolves

wolf pack mentalityThe Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

The pack leaders are the alpha male and female. These two animals are dominant over all the other wolves in the pack. The beta wolf comes next acting as the second in command.  The omega wolf is the weakest and least cared for in the pack.  It tends to be bullied by other members and gets the brunt of aggression during inter-pack fighting.  The omega instigates play among the pack as a way to ease tensions.

The alpha male and female get to eat first at kills.  A pack usually consists of 6 wolves but can be anywhere from 2 – 36 wolves. The pack can consist of adult subordinates. They can hunt in packs or singly.  To establish the dominant position they show superiority in their fighting. Wolves are intensely territorial.

Pack rankings are built on strength and the ability to win fights. I’ll let Dave, Janice and the rest of their pack figure out where they rank. If Dave isn’t creative enough to be organizing 11 different user names all trying to attack me and other bloggers or people who have made supportive comments on my site then it is likely Janice, the beta in the group or quite possibly the omega, trying to better themselves and prove their worth amongst the pack.

As they continue to stalk their pray, I will likely not respond and choose instead to let them starve. They can snarl all they want about me taking down my blog.  They can bark all of the lies that Dave has fed them. They can bristle their fur and pounce.  They will be the ones to whimper, running away with their tails between their legs.  My tail is still wagging!

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abuse, affair, anger, blogging, bullying, cheating, cruelty, divorce, the other woman, unfaithfulness

The ex finds my blogs and shares with his friends

I apologize for a bunch of nasty comments left by my ex, the other woman and their friends.

I deleted some horrific ones but I will just let them reveal themselves for who they are and then I think you will see that my experience as reported is on mark.

I think it is very low of them to be communicating with a 15-year old who’s parents are causing her a lot of emotional distress and who reached out to me for support. The lies they told her about my daughter being kicked out are very far from reality. I cannot control their actions but I will not let their bullying stop me from sharing my experience or trying to help someone else manoeuvre through their experience.

This is my journey, my experience and my truth. I am only reporting what is going on in my life as it relates to my experience with a cheating spouse and the legal system. This was never a blog about bashing my ex or the other woman. This was never a blog about trying to make me look good. I know I look very ugly with my responses and actions. This is the reality of a nasty divorce and being on a path I never expected to be on.

This was a forum where I could share my experience. I had never blogged before and had no idea how to do it or how many people I would meet going through similar experiences. Everyone has been so kind and generous with support, compassion and advice. These were private, vulnerable posts. These were never meant to be seen by my ex.

It was pointed out to me by several professionals and friends throughout the last 2 1/2 years that I was in an abusive relationship. I have never posted the emails that would likely confirm this. It might be very difficult for me to go back and read those. I am told I may still be protecting my ex and that I may even be in denial about the abuse as I defend him sometimes for the cruel things he said to me. I had a friend share that she was horrified when we went out to dinner as couples one night. She shared that the mean things he would criticize me about were not funny and yet I would laugh as though it was a joke. I would never want his children to see the things he wrote to me and I did share with a handful of my friends about my blog so I might be embarrassed for them to see that as well. Now that my ex has discovered the blog and started posting things one friend contacted me telling me that she is afraid for me as she always considered my ex to be “dangerous”. She feels like I should contact the police because these are clearly messages meant to harass me. She texted me this morning saying, “You have had years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” She went on to say, “I’m worried about you and the girls.” It is clear he is continuing to try and abuse me emotionally and trying to use my blog against me.

Her advise is for me to take the blog off line. I think this is again part of my journey with my ex and it is being documented as such. I hope that anyone who happens upon my blog will learn from it. Maybe both people going through the break up can read this and say, “We do not want to be these people.” “We want to make better decisions and hurt as few people as possible through this process as well as protect our children and our finances.”

Clearly by my ex and his friends posting my name, they do not care about my children being identified. As one blogger pointed out, they have now seen my Facebook page and photos of my children. I have no problem sharing my name and identity as I stand by what I write. I never exposed my ex’s identity as I never wanted my children to read these posts. Thank you Dave, Janice and friends for being so concerned about protecting children.

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adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

outdoor movie, Home, in Parksville

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home.  She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her.  Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play.  She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.”  I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing.  I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go.  She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me.  I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom.  I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths.  I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her.  In probably less than 10 minutes she was back.  I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely.  She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them.  The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter.  After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her.  Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov.  It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews.  Now we just call her “The Boov”.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, intimidation, lying, threats

Bullshit–If you smell something, say something

John Stewart ended his final hosting of the Daily Show tonight on Comedy Central with a segment on bullshit.  He made the above statement.  I just so happen to smell bullshit so I am saying something.

When my ex and Janice Andrews were in Ontario with my children, they returned to apparently find Janice’s vehicle vandalized.  They reported the incident to Victoria Police.  My ex texted my older daughter telling her that the police said that I was the number one suspect because I have an agenda.  My older daughter texted my younger daughter saying that a window had been smashed in Janice’s car, it had been spray painted and keyed and that mom did it. My younger daughter told me that she had something funny to tell me. I asked what that was and then she asked me if I vandalized Janice’s car.  I told her I did not and when she gave me the details I said that I didn’t think it was funny.  She asked me what “agenda” meant and what it meant that the car was “keyed”. She also texted my older daughter back asking what was written on the car.  My older daughter texted her back saying, “That is totally mom asking that and you weren’t suppose to tell her.”  I never asked that question although I have to say that I am curious.

I explained to my younger daughter what “agenda” meant and I assured her that my only agenda was to make sure that daddy paid us what he agreed to pay in mediation and what he was legally responsible to pay.  I told her I would just email my lawyer to handle.  She said, “No, you can’t do that because then daddy will know we told you.”  He was purposely trying to make me look bad to our children by making a very serious allegation against their mom without considering what that would do to them and how it would make them feel.

I did nothing wondering if it was even true but then the next morning I received a call from Vic PD.  I told the constable that my kids already gave me a heads up.  I told her that I had no idea what type of vehicle Janice drove or where she lived. The constable said that Janice’s vehicle was parked on my ex’s street, that the window hadn’t been smashed and that it appeared to be a random act of mischief as it was keyed and spray painted. She said that I was not a suspect, there was no evidence against me but because Janice and my ex made the complaint against me she told them she would speak with me.

Later that day I received an email that my ex sent to my lawyer, his lawyer and copied to me.  It was filled with false statements and outright lies as well as a list of concerning actions that he was now taking.

This is what he wrote:

“Unfortunately I have to write to you both again with respect to an incident that occurred at my residence.

As you both are aware, I took my kids and girlfriend to Ontario to visit family from July 23 – Aug 2/15. Janice had parked her car in the driveway while we were away. We came home to find the vehicle had been vandalized. The car was spray painted and keyed causing considerable damage. The matter has been reported to Victoria Police and I believe they have been in contact with (my name). (My name) has denied any involvement which was expected, however I’m sure you will agree that it seems somewhat coincidental that the damages occur while we are away. It is also somewhat odd that the perpetrator only targeted her vehicle. There was no other reported incidents of vandalism or damage to others property or vehicles during that time period on the street.

(My name) for the last two and a half years has continued to harass Janice and myself. She was told by her first lawyer to have no contact with Janice, however she immediately left the appointment to confront Janice at her place of employment. She then wrote a letter to her employer asking that she be fired or disciplined. She contacted Janice’s former boyfriend. She has contacted people who work and formerly worked with my company to try and obtain information…(private information) She entered my home knowing full well I was away in Vancouver  looking for a binder. She proceeded to search my home and went through my personal papers. This was brought to your attention and she was asked to not come to my home again unless invited. She proceeded to come to my home again.

She has recently come to my place of business, which I remind all, Janice also is a part time employee, to deliver receipts. This despite the fact that I asked her in 5 separate emails/text to not come to my office. I asked that she email her receipts, hand deliver to my home mailbox, or send by regular mail. She ignored my requests and showed up the next day to the office with receipts in hand. Her excuse was she hadn’t unpacked her scanner from moving.

In light of this latest incidence of vandalism, and the fact that (my name) shows a complete disregard for barriers, I have met with my partners this morning and advised them of the above. We are understandably concerned for the safety of our employees as well as our property. As such, (my name) is banned from the premises. She is not to come to the building for any reason whatsoever. All staff have been made aware of this and if (my name) fails to comply and comes to the building she will be asked to leave immediately and the police will be called.

I have also contacted my landlords and made them aware of this latest event. They were already aware of a prior incident a few months ago when (my name) backed out of my driveway and ran over a shrub damaging same. (My name) left the scene, however both my children witnessed the event and texted me to tell me what happened so I wouldn’t be blamed for it. My landlords wanted me to pay for the damage, however given the circumstances they have not pushed forward on this. Because of the damage to their own property and now a car of a guest at the home being damaged, they have said that (my name) is not welcome under any circumstances to come to the home. If she is dropping off or picking up kids, she will have to do so on the street.

(My name) has attempted to justify and use excuses such as no scanner or that I am trying to be difficult etc. The reality is there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to have any contact with me other than by text or email regarding our children. If she has a receipt that she thinks I should review and potentially compensate her, then that is fine, she can send it by email or regular mail. There’s no reason to come to my office to get copies made and hand deliver. And going forward this will not be tolerated.

I am writing this so that this is on the record to all. These types of harassment and bullying behaviours are completely unacceptable. This has been ongoing for more than two and a half years and it needs to stop. If this continues, or (my name) fails to comply going forward, we will take whatever legal means are necessary to obtain restraining orders and ensure she is criminally charged.

I trust my position on these issues is very clear to all.”

My response just summarized briefly:

  1. Car was reported to police as being parked on the street. My ex is trying to make the act look less random and say now that the vehicle was parked in the driveway.  My kids never saw Janice’s car at all. My older daughter left the house the next morning before the damage was reported and she never saw Janice’s car.
  2. I have never harassed Janice or my ex.
  3. I attended Janice’s work place a few days after finding out about the affair. I spoke to her for 3 minutes max. I wasn’t physical, violent, threatening, rude or disrespectful. I spoke in my regular voice and I was very calm. I didn’t cause any property damage. I wanted her to see my face and to know I was a real person, that we had real children that she was helping to destroy their family and I wanted to look her in the face and say that. My ex was never a part of a meeting where my lawyer told me to not contact Janice. My ex is trying to portray me as directly disobeying my lawyer and running out of his office and doing exactly what he told me not to do. I have had zero contact with Janice since that one time in over 2 1/2 years.
  4. I never sent a letter to Janice’s work asking that she be fired or disciplined. There will be a record confirming that if we subpoena her employee file.
  5. It was a fluke I contacted Janice’s 12-year common-law husband.  My ex is trying to diminish her husband’s role in Janice’s life by calling him a “former boyfriend”. My ex also tried to diminish his role to Janice and maybe himself, too, during the affair where he referred to her husband as her  “roommate” in his emails to Janice.  Then he forgot about those emails he sent Janice that he knew I read and told me she didn’t have a roommate. He said that he had been to her house several times and no one else lived there. Caught in another lie. I never knew Janice’s husband existed but when he told me who he was I told him who I was.  I didn’t know that Janice was cheating on someone too and more than 3 months after I found out about the affair he still didn’t know.  She was continuing to live a double life with her spouse. My ex is trying to make it sound like I contacted someone from Janice’s past to stir up trouble and get information.
  6. I have never contacted anyone that my ex used to work with or continues to work with. I know he pulled a subordinate into his office and that he threatened to fire her if she spoke to me. I brought my younger daughter to see her dad one day to drop off fundraising items that her dad was supposed to bring in for her. He was to be back in 10 minutes so we waited in the lobby. One of the secretaries said she would take my daughter around to sell. I waited in the lobby and this lady who I had met only one time when my ex introduced me to her at Starbucks came out and told me what he did. I told her that I knew he was paranoid we had spoke and I showed her my phone text messages saying several times to my ex that we never had. He apparently never spoke to her again. He made her life at work hell. My older daughter told me months later that this lady had a run in with another lady at their work and my ex intervened and said for someone to call the police and to escort her from the premise.
  7. I have only gone to my ex’s home to see our daughter who lives there. I have never been there uninvited and I would never go when he was there. I did go through a large pile of opened and unopened mail that was noticeably addressed to me and my ex together. He had, unbeknownst to me, had all our banking mail redirected to his place. I was shocked to see all the mail in a pile spilling over with my name on it.
  8. I still haven’t come across the box with my printer/scanner and needed to get the receipts to my ex. He still hasn’t paid them and it has been 5 weeks so they are now being handled by my lawyer. This was the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years I attended his office with receipts. I was warmly received and even hugged by one of my ex’s business partners. I was at his office for 5 minutes max and he copied the receipts, gave them back and I left. No scene. No public safety risk. No damage to property.
  9. I did clip a bush backing out of my ex’s long, single, narrow driveway on June 4. My birth mom and both my girls were in the car with me. There was no visible damage. It made a loud scraping sound against my car though. On July 13 my older daughter was at my house and received a Facebook message from her dad. He was away and left his vehicle with my daughter. He messaged her saying he was just contacted by his landlord saying that they watched our daughter back out of the driveway and had some concern. They didn’t want her to get in trouble by her dad but just wanted to notify him to ask her to be careful because they thought a guest might have hit their bush but realized it was her. My girls and I were laughing about this. I told my daughter to tell her dad it was me.  She said she was going to. She never said I already told him when it happened. I don’t know if I did do any damage to the bush or if my ex, my daughter or anyone visiting them may have clipped the bush, too, but if my ex was asked to pay for damage and he knew I may have caused it he would be going after me for sure.  Because of the kindness of their landlord in their fear my daughter might get into trouble from her dad, I doubt they ever asked my ex to pay for damages as he claims.  Sounds like they never thought he did it. If a vehicle was vandalized in their driveway they would have seen it and reported it to my ex or the police when he was away.  It doesn’t even make sense “that given the circumstances they haven’t pushed forward on that.” I doubt they ever asked for anything. He said it was “months ago” I did this. If my kids had have texted him at the time he would have known when it happened. If they asked him months ago to pay for damage he wouldn’t say that they haven’t pushed forward on it because of an incident he just reported.

My ex is maliciously making false statements about me and spreading this to the police, public, our children and legal counselors to try to threaten, intimidate and bully me into doing what he wants. He continues to need to control where I go, who I talk to, and what I do. He has the audacity after all of this to send me an email the next day with a casual request for me to find documents for him from 2008 for his income tax return.

Until this is handled and remedied, I will have no contact with him for anything for my own protection. I have advised my lawyer and the police of his lies of which we now have written proof.

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adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation.  He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife.  I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain.  The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did.  They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents.  The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her.  I know my kids are not happy about it.  But I know everyone will pretend.  This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning.  As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following:  “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked.  He never did get me that information.  Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids.  I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too.  He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates.  I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID.  My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me.  No cheque, no certificates.”

His response:  “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response:  “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates.  This is true.  I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case.  My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer.  I don’t have any of his documents.  I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire.  I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport.  I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport.  I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done.  I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children.  I handled every detail with respect to our trips.  He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite.  Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates.  I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly.  I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad.  I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late.  He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him.  I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words.  My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it.  I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me.  It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

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cheating, dating, separation

Child’s Perspective

I had lunch together with both of my daughter’s.

My 17-year old commented, “You know, Mom.  You should actually thank Janice.  She did you a favour by getting dad out your life.  You deserve better.”

My 13-year old asked, “Why does dad have to bring Janice to take me out to dinner?”

I didn’t respond.

My older daughter suggested that he just wants Janice to get to know her.  My younger daughter said she didn’t want that and finds it so annoying that Janice always tries to bud in on conversations between my girls that have nothing to do with her and they aren’t talking to her.

I just reflected that we used to go out as a family and spend the time knowing what was going on in each others lives.  My ex is missing out on so much with my younger daughter’s life and I am missing out on my older daughter’s life as she lives with her dad. Now some other woman is asking what deodorant my daughter wears?  And I should thank her?

Reflecting on my younger daughter’s query about the intrusion of another woman on her relationship with her dad makes me sad because what message does she receive when her dad either bails on her for other plans or if he does pick her up after dance on his scheduled Friday and he is alone he just takes her through the McDonalds drive-thru, doesn’t eat with her and just drops her off at home.  At least if he brings Janice they take her out to dinner and he gets to spend some time with his daughter even though she feels like an intrusion on their date.  Last Friday when they took her out she couldn’t even eat.  She had one bite of her pizza while she watched them share a surf and turf salad, a pizza and wine. She brought her pizza home to me to eat.  She just needs to share and I listen as much as I would prefer not to know or hear about it.

I no longer do anything to try to make her dad have a relationship with his daughter. If he bails on her; I am there to pick her up. If she choses not to stay at his house she is always welcome here and I am home every night for her. It makes no difference to me if it should be my weekend to have some freedom. If he chooses not to spend quality time with his daughter and build a real relationship with her that is his loss and I will do what I can to make sure she feels wanted, respected and loved. Is it hard to date as a result?  Sometimes.

My ex told a friend of ours shortly after we separated that he is not sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children.  That is one word he has kept.

Will I be thanking Janice? No.  Do I deserve better?  Absolutely and so do my children.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, confrontation, control, deceitfulness, divorce, follow your gut, moving on

I May Run Slow but I Don’t Run Back

My ex ran with me once. We ran a 10K route around a couple of lakes near our home. It was very hot I remember. I also remember his description of my pace: “turtlish”.

We separated March 1, 2013 and on Mother’s Day that year we had a phone discussion about the possibility of reuniting. He told me, “I will have to be gone a long time.” Thinking he meant we couldn’t just go back to co-habitating after his affair I confirmed that I didn’t want him back living with me. I made it clear it would be really difficult for me to have him back at all let alone be with him intimately. He agreed that would be difficult for me but seemed far more concerned that I confirm to him that we did have a really good sex life. I found that odd since he was the one that had the affair, not me. He thanked me for talking to him and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to listen when he was acknowledging some of the lies he told me and where he was instead. We followed up our call with an email just confirming it was good to be talking.

The next evening, Monday, I was trying to get in touch with him about picking up our children on Tuesday to spend time with them. His cell phone kept going straight to voice mail and I had never experienced that before. It made me think that maybe he was talking to someone else. Would he really be talking to the other woman after our conversation the night before? Maybe he was breaking things off with her.

On a hunch, I opened the phone book and called the “Andrews” listed in the book that had an address in the area of the Starbucks where they would habitually meet. Remember I had copies of the text messages between them and one confirmed they were meeting at Starbucks and reconfirmed by my ex, “the one by your house”.

I called the first number I thought was in the area thinking I might get a busy signal. It rang, so if this was the right number my ex wasn’t on the phone with her. A man answered the phone. “Hi, Is Janice there?” I asked politely. “No she isn’t”, he said. I was shocked. “Janice Andrews lives there?” I asked. “Yes”, he replied. “The one who works for the M of S,” I asked. “Yes”, he said. “Who are you?” I asked. “I am her husband,” he replied. “Who are you?” he asked. “I am the wife of the man who is fooling around with your wife”, I said.

At around 11:00 p.m. my ex contacted me seeing that I had called his cell phone. He didn’t answer my calls because he was at a movie with Janice. Wow, I guess he felt he “needed to be gone a long time” because he thought he would spend his days and nights away from me, his home, and his kids continuing his affair. I knew then and there I would never look back again. I felt that resolve on March 1, 2013 when his response to me finding out about the affair was to walk out the door and not say a word to me and to continue on his trip to Vancouver with his friends. My gut, my decision on Day 1, my knowing in my heart and head as well, that this man was a complete fraud that I wanted nothing to do with ever again, was reaffirmed.

Since then I have made it clear to him that we will never get back together. He has sent numerous emails and texts over the last 2 years giving reasons why he thinks that I must still want him back. He did this as recently as last week, March 3, 2105. The day before that I tried to turn up the volume on expressing my feelings for him to help him get the message.

I texted on March 2, 2015: “The way you continue to live is repulsive to me. You are repulsive to me. There is nothing about you–your character, your lifestyle, your parenting, your choices, your personality, your looks, your employment, money, nothing that makes me desire you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Say what you want; think what you want. I am not interested in you on any level. It is your narcissistic personality, your ego, your id that makes you believe I am angry and haven’t moved on emotionally. You are correct in saying you couldn’t be a good husband to me and I deserve better. I think you said that out of false humility or maybe your super ego is coming through. I don’t know if you recognize what a creep you are or what but I am so done caring.”

He is a little “turtlish” in his understanding that I do not want him back.

The divorce process for me has also been turtlish. My ex tries to manipulate and control everything even when, financially, things are so in his favour. This is my marathon. I am tired, have a lot of chafing and blisters, but all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, until I cross the finish line.

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