adultery, cheating, divorce, family, infidelity

The In-laws, my Birth Mom and their Grand Kids

Divorce definitely affects the entire family, all those extended members included.

For the first time my birth mom and my in-laws arrive in Victoria for the same week. The event that attracts them is my youngest daughter’s final dance recital of the year.

My birth mom arrived last night at 11:00 p.m. and my in-laws arrive tonight. They flew from the same airport, with the same airline, the same flight number, but one night apart.

What surprised me, although honestly it is ridiculous that my ex’s behaviour can still surprise me, is that although my in-laws came specifically to see my daughter dance, my ex only got them tickets to see one of her shows. She dances in 4 recitals but Saturday afternoon she has 4 dances and Saturday evening she dances in 5 completely different numbers than the first show. My older daughter said that her dad told her the afternoon show is duplicate. I assured her they are 4 dances that my daughter as never seen; ballet, tap, jazz tech and one of her Company numbers and that the evening show is entirely different with my daughter performing 2 different musical theatre numbers, jazz, modern and lyrical. She asked if I could get her a ticket.

I texted my ex to ensure he was in fact going to miss his daughter’s afternoon performances and that he did not get our daughter and his parents tickets to the afternoon show. He confirmed this was the case. I told him I was disappointed he wasn’t going to support her at her first show. His response, “My choices are mine and for reasons you don’t know.”

So, although I had not seen or spoke to my in-laws since they came last year to see my daughter dance, I contacted my ex’s parents to let them know that their son did get them tickets to the evening show but that their grand-daughter was also in the first show. I said that they may have other plans but I wanted to make sure they knew she was dancing different dances in the previous show as well.

They indicated that they were coming to see her perform, they had no plans and they wanted to attend the early show as well. I told them I was getting their other grand-daughter a ticket and if they wanted, I could order their tickets at the same time so they could sit together. My father-in-law emailed me after I sent the ticket confirmation and thanked me for reaching out to them. Since my ex wasn’t going to be at the first show I invited them to join us for a bite to eat between shows.

I texted my ex to let him know I got his parents and daughter each tickets for the earlier show.

On Tuesday night my performing daughter came home to say that in fact her dad was now going to her afternoon show. I am so happy she will have an audience of family who are there to support her and focus on her. However, when I told my ex I had invited his parents to have dinner with us between shows when I thought he wasn’t going to be there he said, “Why would my parents want to spend any time with you?”

So, now we are back to the awkwardness of all of us waiting at the stage door for my daughter to emerge, congratulating her after her first performance maybe giving her flowers and gifts and then me taking her away for dinner while they go a separate way. Then seeing each other during the evening show and pretending all is fine. It also puts my older daughter in an awkward position because which group does she choose to go with?

My birth mom said to my performing daughter and me tonight, “Why can’t we all go to eat together?” Neither of us responded.

adultery, affair, cheating, child support, divorce, legal system, mediation, separation agreement, settlement agreement, spousal support

Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

“’cause it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.”
Any Other World-Mika

I don’t get it. I didn’t have the affair. My ex is still with the other woman. Shouldn’t he be happy? He has moved on and has ended pretty much every email to me over the last 2 plus years telling me to move on. Then why won’t he let me move on? Why will he not do the right thing? Why will he not give me a fair separation agreement we can both live with? He is doing anything to avoid having to pay me spousal and child support and divide our assets fairly. Why does he refuse, ignore, deny, delay, and avoid his obligations to provide documentation to his lawyer so his lawyer can get it to my lawyer. His lawyer is a personal friend. Shouldn’t there be some pride to want to show your friend you are good person; a responsible person? His lawyer is frustrated, too. Shouldn’t my ex just feel slightly bad for his actions (adultery, cheating, lying, deception, tearing family apart) that he want at the very least a fair settlement for me and his children? Shouldn’t his conscience really make him want to err on the side of generous? Not even close.

My lawyer has sent correspondence to me over the last 2 months confirming that she has “AGAIN” asked my ex’s lawyer to provide his 2014 full tax return; confirmation he has life insurance and if he won’t get it his position in writing for the lowball amount ($450,000 less than he had before we separated)that he says he will get (was supposed to be in place in November 2014 as per the mediation agreement) so we can return to the mediator for a ruling; confirmation that he is going to pay me the expenses he agreed to cover at our November 6, 2014 mediation that he still hasn’t contributed a dime towards–his daughter’s dance, just 50%, 50% of the pet expenses for pets he is the listed owner of but who he abandoned saying he isn’t allowed pets where he lives; 50% of expenses needed to get our house ready to list; 50% of our joint expenses like our home insurance and home maintenance; reimbursement of money he took out of our joint account to pay his personal bills when I was the only one putting money into that account (it was agreed at mediation we would close the account but he would never make arrangements to do that with me or respond to any of my follow ups until I finally stopped putting money in, stopped financing his personal bill payments and now it is overdrawn by $1500 because joint bills have continued to come out of it on automatic withdrawal as well as banking fee expenses and the overdraft from him taking money out.

I am not asking for back spousal and child support for the past 2 years when he made the most he has earned in his life and I had both children living with me. All I am asking for is a fair split of our pre-separation debt 50/50. This was money used to buy shares in his company that he is keeping and a rental property that he is keeping that he insists has a $0 value. Plus money that I used to pay our personal pre-separation bills, our daughter’s private school tuition, all documented, because I was the person who took care of bill payments. He makes $148,000/year. Last year he only made $139,000. I receive $13,000/year on Canada Pension Plan disability benefits because I am not able medically to work.

My lawyer spelled it out clearly to my ex’s lawyer. My ex has done everything that he can do to “exhaust me financially”.

My lawyer has asked for confirmation of the value of the rental property–the mortgage details and the account information where the rental income is received. She has asked for confirmation of the value of his company shares and other dividends he receives on shares that he never even disclosed that he had until I brought that information forward in mediation. My lawyer has asked for a print out from his bank of his bank account information because oddly enough there are mysterious transactions that would lead one to assume he has at least one other bank account he has failed to disclose. This information was asked for in the year prior to our mediation and continues to be asked for and ignored.

Mediation was supposed to save us money. I am no closer to a separation agreement and a divorce than I was on the day we separated. My legal bills would have paid for my daughter’s first year of tuition at university and her residency. I am sure my ex’s are adding up as well even with the friend lawyer.

When is enough enough? When will he stop feeding his ego with a need to “win” and understand that there is no winning. I remember him sharing with me that growing up he and his mom would fight and they both would dig in and not talk to the other for weeks. The one who spoke to the other first lost. His mom confirmed that to me. Where was the adult example here? Really, what did either of them win doing that? He was the same way with me during our marriage. Always the silent treatment to punish. Always the withholding to punish. I am sure the cheating was another form of punishing me. What does he think he is winning?

I have asked him if we would meet to see if we could try yet again to reach an agreement together avoiding further legal expenses and what will end up going to court after all. He said, “Yes.” But all I have heard is when he can’t meet with me. I’ve asked him to tell me instead when he can meet with me and I will be there–11:00 p.m. or 6:00 a.m. any day of the week. All I heard from him was this: “Can you pick up our daughter from dance next Friday? I have a golf tournament in Nanaimo and I won’t be back until 9:00 p.m.” I said, “Yes.”

As far as getting together to solve our separation, I have yet to hear from him.

cheating, dating, separation

Child’s Perspective

I had lunch together with both of my daughter’s.

My 17-year old commented, “You know, Mom. You should actually thank Janice. She did you a favour by getting dad out your life. You deserve better.”

My 13-year old asked, “Why does dad have to bring Janice to take me out to dinner?”

I didn’t respond.

My older daughter suggested that he just wants Janice to get to know her. My younger daughter said she didn’t want that and finds it so annoying that Janice always tries to bud in on conversations between my girls that have nothing to do with her and they aren’t talking to her.

I just reflected that we used to go out as a family and spend the time knowing what was going on in each others lives. My ex is missing out on so much with my younger daughter’s life and I am missing out on my older daughter’s life as she lives with her dad. Now some other woman is asking what deodorant my daughter wears? And I should thank her?

Reflecting on my younger daughter’s query about the intrusion of another woman on her relationship with her dad makes me sad because what message does she receive when her dad either bails on her for other plans or if he does pick her up after dance on his scheduled Friday and he is alone he just takes her through the McDonalds drive-thru, doesn’t eat with her and just drops her off at home. At least if he brings Janice they take her out to dinner and he gets to spend some time with his daughter even though she feels like an intrusion on their date. Last Friday when they took her out she couldn’t even eat. She had one bite of her pizza while she watched them share a surf and turf salad, a pizza and wine. She brought her pizza home to me to eat. She just needs to share and I listen as much as I would prefer not to know or hear about it.

I no longer do anything to try to make her dad have a relationship with his daughter. If he bails on her; I am there to pick her up. If she choses not to stay at his house she is always welcome here and I am home every night for her. It makes no difference to me if it should be my weekend to have some freedom. If he chooses not to spend quality time with his daughter and build a real relationship with her that is his loss and I will do what I can to make sure she feels wanted, respected and loved. Is it hard to date as a result? Sometimes.

My ex told a friend of ours shortly after we separated that he is not sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children. That is one word he has kept.

Will I be thanking Janice? No. Do I deserve better? Absolutely and so do my children.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, confrontation, control, deceitfulness, divorce, follow your gut, moving on

I May Run Slow but I Don’t Run Back

My ex ran with me once. We ran a 10K route around a couple of lakes near our home. It was very hot I remember. I also remember his description of my pace: “turtlish”.

We separated March 1, 2013 and on Mother’s Day that year we had a phone discussion about the possibility of reuniting. He told me, “I will have to be gone a long time.” Thinking he meant we couldn’t just go back to co-habitating after his affair I confirmed that I didn’t want him back living with me. I made it clear it would be really difficult for me to have him back at all let alone be with him intimately. He agreed that would be difficult for me but seemed far more concerned that I confirm to him that we did have a really good sex life. I found that odd since he was the one that had the affair, not me. He thanked me for talking to him and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to listen when he was acknowledging some of the lies he told me and where he was instead. We followed up our call with an email just confirming it was good to be talking.

The next evening, Monday, I was trying to get in touch with him about picking up our children on Tuesday to spend time with them. His cell phone kept going straight to voice mail and I had never experienced that before. It made me think that maybe he was talking to someone else. Would he really be talking to the other woman after our conversation the night before? Maybe he was breaking things off with her.

On a hunch, I opened the phone book and called the “Andrews” listed in the book that had an address in the area of the Starbucks where they would habitually meet. Remember I had copies of the text messages between them and one confirmed they were meeting at Starbucks and reconfirmed by my ex, “the one by your house”.

I called the first number I thought was in the area thinking I might get a busy signal. It rang, so if this was the right number my ex wasn’t on the phone with her. A man answered the phone. “Hi, Is Janice there?” I asked politely. “No she isn’t”, he said. I was shocked. “Janice Andrews lives there?” I asked. “Yes”, he replied. “The one who works for the M of S,” I asked. “Yes”, he said. “Who are you?” I asked. “I am her husband,” he replied. “Who are you?” he asked. “I am the wife of the man who is fooling around with your wife”, I said.

At around 11:00 p.m. my ex contacted me seeing that I had called his cell phone. He didn’t answer my calls because he was at a movie with Janice. Wow, I guess he felt he “needed to be gone a long time” because he thought he would spend his days and nights away from me, his home, and his kids continuing his affair. I knew then and there I would never look back again. I felt that resolve on March 1, 2013 when his response to me finding out about the affair was to walk out the door and not say a word to me and to continue on his trip to Vancouver with his friends. My gut, my decision on Day 1, my knowing in my heart and head as well, that this man was a complete fraud that I wanted nothing to do with ever again, was reaffirmed.

Since then I have made it clear to him that we will never get back together. He has sent numerous emails and texts over the last 2 years giving reasons why he thinks that I must still want him back. He did this as recently as last week, March 3, 2105. The day before that I tried to turn up the volume on expressing my feelings for him to help him get the message.

I texted on March 2, 2015: “The way you continue to live is repulsive to me. You are repulsive to me. There is nothing about you–your character, your lifestyle, your parenting, your choices, your personality, your looks, your employment, money, nothing that makes me desire you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Say what you want; think what you want. I am not interested in you on any level. It is your narcissistic personality, your ego, your id that makes you believe I am angry and haven’t moved on emotionally. You are correct in saying you couldn’t be a good husband to me and I deserve better. I think you said that out of false humility or maybe your super ego is coming through. I don’t know if you recognize what a creep you are or what but I am so done caring.”

He is a little “turtlish” in his understanding that I do not want him back.

The divorce process for me has also been turtlish. My ex tries to manipulate and control everything even when, financially, things are so in his favour. This is my marathon. I am tired, have a lot of chafing and blisters, but all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, until I cross the finish line.

affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, domestic abuse, God

Authentic Love

Prior to Katy Perry singing “By the Grace of God” at the 2015 Grammy Awards tonight, Brooke Axtell made a speech in reference to surviving domestic violence. This is an excerpt from what she shared:

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honour and respect you I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night; part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are: valuable, beautiful, loved.”

I didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship. It was verbal, mental and emotional torture. I know that I felt devalued and unloved many times but it has taken friends and professionals and the distance of separation to make it clear. I had friends say that I would laugh things off that were so mean, degrading and not funny at all and that their husbands would never say or do things like mine did.

Some of the things he has texted me recently are as follows:

‘You are sad and pathetic; you can’t move on and look pathetic for it; your older daughter already sees how pathetic you are and your younger one is not far off; even your friends are falling by the wayside; you’re an idiot; #crazylady; hypocrite; figure it out tubby; what a fat cunt you are; fuck you; spoiled bitch; fuck you and figure it out; mom of the year; take a look in the mirror Broom Hilda; you ain’t what its all cracked up to be; ole miss big mouth forgets how hypocritical she sounds; hey rockstar, learn how to use your phone; you’re such an awful example of not only a mother but a person; if anything happens to (our daughter) it will be all your fault; and how dumb are you; it’s no wonder the kids are damaged; you really have some mental issues; it’s no wonder the kid hates your guts; go put another cookie in your mouth; Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!; keep your opinions to yourself because I don’t want or need to hear them. That’s why we’re divorcing…so I don’t have to hear them any longer; angry ex-wife; get the story straight before you beak off; my truth is fuck off; get the facts and shut the fuck up; you are a vindictive money grabbing angry sad sack of a being; you’re a joke; what a two-faced hypocrite you are; you’re delusional; don’t put your big nose in our daughter’s business; you aspire to do nothing with your life; the smartest thing I ever did was leaving you.”

I haven’t gone back and looked at emails but I remember him calling me a “waste of skin”, telling me I need to do something with my appearance, too bad I let myself go; have another slice of cheesecake; I needed to wear makeup; my life has no purpose; calling me Einstein, etc.

I know I started to push back in the months before I found out about the affair when he said my food “tastes like shit” in front of the kids.

There was no authentic love from my husband towards me. However, I have made the decision that I will not be shamed, silenced and abused by him any more. I told him by text on January 21, 2015, after a harassing phone call that had no purpose other than to abuse, that if he continues to call or text me I will get a restraining order against him. His response: “Hahaha”. I haven’t had any phone calls or texts since.

I am worthy of love. I am lovable. I am loved by God and see him working in my life showing me his love every day. I am loved by many, many people who show me love with their actions, words, gifts, service and affection every single day. I have tons of friends and I am a very good friend. I have value and I am beautiful inside and out. I know who I truly am. Authentic love does exist in my life; just not from my ex.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, desperation, ego, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, promiscuity, Victoria British Columbia, wealthy men

Chicktoria

The population of Victoria, BC, Canada is 80,017. The population of the metropolitan area of Greater Victoria is 344,615 making it the 15th most populous Canadian urban region. Victoria is situated on Vancouver Island, a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Vancouver.

Interestingly, Victoria is dubbed Chicktoria because of the gender imbalance of 4:1 women for every man. The girl to guy ratio and nickname are compiled in the Urban Dictionary and there are articles speculating the causes of the man shortage in Victoria. I have heard it said that the imbalance is as high as 7:1.

The Times Colonist printed an article on October 14, 2012 citing statistics that Victoria’s wealthiest men are the most promiscuous in Canada and even in North America. Victoria men are the most sexually active in Canada with 78% having at least 7 sexual partners a year.

When women are desperate, feeling that above all else they need to have a man for their security–emotional, financial, sexual, status, etc. they selfishly pursue a target. Married men are not off limits to them. When men have so many “opportunities” (the word my husband used), it doesn’t take much for them to dispose of lives that were once important to them to instead chase whatever ego-stroking benefits these determined women satisfy.

By Victoria standards, my husband is a catch. He is employed. He is a very small partner in his company but he never fails to mention that he is a partner to anyone he speaks to and women who know this think he has a lucrative employment future. He has a vehicle. He has vanity so he dresses nicely, spends a lot of time gelling and styling his hair and keeps a salon hair appointment every 4 weeks. He throws money around picking up dinner tabs, buying drinks and tipping. To Victoria women, he conveys wealth. When he moved to Victoria and joined his company, he suddenly became a big fish in a small pond and he subscribed to the idea of his power on the job and as an interest to women.

He admired the way his boss flirted with and treated women and he began emulating that behaviour. He shared daily examples with me of his boss’s outrageousness and always said to me, “I don’t know how he gets away with it.” My girlfriend told me that she and her husband both felt that my husband put off the “I want to fuck you vibe.” He started to go out to more “work functions”. He started to drink a lot, use drugs and had a driving service his work paid for to ensure he didn’t drive under the influence. He was arrogant and self-important. When his grandmother died and he was not consulted about the date of the funeral, he called his uncle to ream him out and made him cry. When I was volunteering at my daughter’s school with another mom who worked in his industry he told me, “make sure you look hot.”

The changes in my husband’s behaviour, mood, absence from our family, increase in his ego became a repulsion to me. It obviously fueled the desires of other women or was it their interest in my husband that caused the behaviour change in him? I never stopped paying attention to my husband and we were having sex up until I found out about his affair but I was taking a stand against his chauvinistic treatment and uncaring attitude toward me and my girls. I was definitely aware that he was putting “work” before us and his attitude that everything else was my responsibility started to cause rifts.

Patti Stranger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire’s Club International Inc. and who stars in and produces The Millionaire Matchmaker reality show visited Victoria. Two of my friends met with her. Her advise to them for meeting a quality man in Victoria: “Get off the island.”

My other single friends started to share stories about men they dated. Finding someone who didn’t smoke, had “a pot to piss in”, and had a job became their ideal. Less than that, the best they could hope for. Some had flat out given up.

Victoria women, have we only perpetuated the problem by settling and accepting men who do not meet our needs in the first place? Do we have such low self-esteem and self-worth that we don’t expect more and so impatient, fearful and lonely we can’t wait for more? Do we latch on to whoever we can and then spend the rest of our relationship looking to trade up?

Any decision to pursue married men and men in committed relationships should never allow you to feel secure in your relationship. It should always be in your subconscious that women like you are just waiting to strike and that you are in a relationship with a weak man. You do have control over your own actions. Let’s chose self-respect and respect for others. Let’s have a higher moral standard for our behaviour and our men’s behaviour. By being the other type of woman you have said to men, “It is okay to screw around; it is okay to go after whatever you want for your own selfish gain.” Why would that type of man ever be satisfied with just you? There is nothing you can do to keep that type of man faithful because you already set the standard that cheating is okay.

Men, how stupid are you? If women are prepared to fool around with you, don’t you think there is a highly probable chance they will fool around on you? There is always someone better than you around the corner–more hair, more money, better teeth, better skin, better athlete, better body, bigger penis, better work ethic, younger/older, blonder, darker, healthier, smarter, wiser, whatever the perceived “better” is, there is better than you.

Everyone reaps what they sow.

Women of Victoria, we are in control. There are more of us than men. All of this poor behaviour of cheating on our partners and cheating with married men allows men to act like dicks. Women should be less concerned about their sensed disadvantage living in Chicktoria and be more concerned about the long-term effect and disadvantage of living in Dicktoria.

cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time. Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind. In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up. My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time. He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.” Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth. Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been? I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012. Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary. There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business. He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon. He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable. He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on. That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest. I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me. He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time. I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested. It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”. Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair. We left his Christmas party hand in hand. The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself. He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun. After all, it was his company party. I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister. When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards. The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well. He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011. He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone. He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night. When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg. That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place. The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game. I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare. When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation. He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.” I was dumbfounded and just looked at him. Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work. I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital. His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk. Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself. The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m. He always went alone. Why was he going at a specific time? I never questioned this. My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go. Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys. He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all. On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection. I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom. I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it. On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy. I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me. February 18 he mentions separation. On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home. That shocked me. He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets. I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?” I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me. On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage. He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning. We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning. I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now. He sighed with annoyance. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said, “No, you can hug me.” It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

cheating, infidelity, Love, separation, Valentine's Day

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today represents one year exactly since I last had sex with my husband. Last year, he brought me home a dozen long-stem, red roses. He gave each of our daughters a rose as well. I made a nice dinner of horseradish encrusted salmon–a dish I had never made before but one that my husband loved and ordered every time we went to the Blues Bayou Café for dinner. I bought him some fancy flavoured massage oil/lubricants. We exchanged cards, drank wine and enjoyed a chocolaty, rich, decadent dessert.

I had no idea that night would be the last night we would be intimate together. I remember it though. I said to him afterwards, “Who were you having sex with because it wasn’t me?” He faltered slightly, paused, but not enough that it meant anything obvious to me. He said, “No…, I was having sex with you.” He didn’t ask me why I asked that question but for me our sex that night was raunchier than usual. He was more aggressive, verbal, dominant; it was noticeably different.

Since then, I haven’t held hands with anyone; kissed anyone or even had anyone in my mind to fantasize about. I am still married; not legally separated; and although I am taking the legal steps to move forward with my life I am not ready mentally, emotionally, physically, financially or morally to engage in another relationship on any level.

Today marks a passage of time that has gone by very quickly. It really does seem like yesterday when we were last together. I wonder how many times he has had sex in the last year; what it is like for him; has he learned any new tricks; discovered new pleasures; participated in kinkier things than he ever did with me. Has he had more adventure, experienced better orgasms, explored different positions? Has he had more than 1 partner, multiple partners at the same time and does he ever feel like he is still cheating on me? I wonder if he ever misses having sex with me. I wonder if he feels empty when he lies in bed after the act is completed or did he feel empty after being with me and now someone else makes him feel more alive. All futile thoughts and wasted energy because I will never know the answers to any of those questions.

Abstinence does not make my heart grow fonder for my husband. On the contrary, it makes me firm in my position that I cannot imagine being with him intimately again. When I see him, I can’t even look at his face. I cannot stand to be in his presence. It is more than uncomfortable; it is unbearable. And yet, I would have loved him to have sent roses for Valentine’s Day. I would have loved him to have sent a sincere, heart-felt, “I’m sorry” letter outlining how remorseful, regrettable and miserable his life has been since cheating on me and being separated from me. Instead I am wondering how he is showing his girlfriend his love for her on Valentine’s Day.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: cheating