adultery, affair, cheating, child support, divorce, legal system, mediation, separation agreement, settlement agreement, spousal support

Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

“’cause it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.”
Any Other World-Mika

I don’t get it. I didn’t have the affair. My ex is still with the other woman. Shouldn’t he be happy? He has moved on and has ended pretty much every email to me over the last 2 plus years telling me to move on. Then why won’t he let me move on? Why will he not do the right thing? Why will he not give me a fair separation agreement we can both live with? He is doing anything to avoid having to pay me spousal and child support and divide our assets fairly. Why does he refuse, ignore, deny, delay, and avoid his obligations to provide documentation to his lawyer so his lawyer can get it to my lawyer. His lawyer is a personal friend. Shouldn’t there be some pride to want to show your friend you are good person; a responsible person? His lawyer is frustrated, too. Shouldn’t my ex just feel slightly bad for his actions (adultery, cheating, lying, deception, tearing family apart) that he want at the very least a fair settlement for me and his children? Shouldn’t his conscience really make him want to err on the side of generous? Not even close.

My lawyer has sent correspondence to me over the last 2 months confirming that she has “AGAIN” asked my ex’s lawyer to provide his 2014 full tax return; confirmation he has life insurance and if he won’t get it his position in writing for the lowball amount ($450,000 less than he had before we separated)that he says he will get (was supposed to be in place in November 2014 as per the mediation agreement) so we can return to the mediator for a ruling; confirmation that he is going to pay me the expenses he agreed to cover at our November 6, 2014 mediation that he still hasn’t contributed a dime towards–his daughter’s dance, just 50%, 50% of the pet expenses for pets he is the listed owner of but who he abandoned saying he isn’t allowed pets where he lives; 50% of expenses needed to get our house ready to list; 50% of our joint expenses like our home insurance and home maintenance; reimbursement of money he took out of our joint account to pay his personal bills when I was the only one putting money into that account (it was agreed at mediation we would close the account but he would never make arrangements to do that with me or respond to any of my follow ups until I finally stopped putting money in, stopped financing his personal bill payments and now it is overdrawn by $1500 because joint bills have continued to come out of it on automatic withdrawal as well as banking fee expenses and the overdraft from him taking money out.

I am not asking for back spousal and child support for the past 2 years when he made the most he has earned in his life and I had both children living with me. All I am asking for is a fair split of our pre-separation debt 50/50. This was money used to buy shares in his company that he is keeping and a rental property that he is keeping that he insists has a $0 value. Plus money that I used to pay our personal pre-separation bills, our daughter’s private school tuition, all documented, because I was the person who took care of bill payments. He makes $148,000/year. Last year he only made $139,000. I receive $13,000/year on Canada Pension Plan disability benefits because I am not able medically to work.

My lawyer spelled it out clearly to my ex’s lawyer. My ex has done everything that he can do to “exhaust me financially”.

My lawyer has asked for confirmation of the value of the rental property–the mortgage details and the account information where the rental income is received. She has asked for confirmation of the value of his company shares and other dividends he receives on shares that he never even disclosed that he had until I brought that information forward in mediation. My lawyer has asked for a print out from his bank of his bank account information because oddly enough there are mysterious transactions that would lead one to assume he has at least one other bank account he has failed to disclose. This information was asked for in the year prior to our mediation and continues to be asked for and ignored.

Mediation was supposed to save us money. I am no closer to a separation agreement and a divorce than I was on the day we separated. My legal bills would have paid for my daughter’s first year of tuition at university and her residency. I am sure my ex’s are adding up as well even with the friend lawyer.

When is enough enough? When will he stop feeding his ego with a need to “win” and understand that there is no winning. I remember him sharing with me that growing up he and his mom would fight and they both would dig in and not talk to the other for weeks. The one who spoke to the other first lost. His mom confirmed that to me. Where was the adult example here? Really, what did either of them win doing that? He was the same way with me during our marriage. Always the silent treatment to punish. Always the withholding to punish. I am sure the cheating was another form of punishing me. What does he think he is winning?

I have asked him if we would meet to see if we could try yet again to reach an agreement together avoiding further legal expenses and what will end up going to court after all. He said, “Yes.” But all I have heard is when he can’t meet with me. I’ve asked him to tell me instead when he can meet with me and I will be there–11:00 p.m. or 6:00 a.m. any day of the week. All I heard from him was this: “Can you pick up our daughter from dance next Friday? I have a golf tournament in Nanaimo and I won’t be back until 9:00 p.m.” I said, “Yes.”

As far as getting together to solve our separation, I have yet to hear from him.

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4 thoughts on “Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

  1. jules says:

    I feel so bad for you………can you go no contact at all with him……he gets pleasure out of humiliating you………..loves to see you still”need him”‘ ………..if you go dark on him with no contact at all you might get to him…him thinking you do not care one way or the other might have some effect on him……
    you will simply tell him first that from now on any communication will take place with lawyer……..you will not text, speak ,or email him until your divorce is a reality…No communication regarding kids they are old enough to deal with him directly……..you simply need to stop being his punching bag…….he loves to hurt you….Take the punching bag away from him……HAVE NO CONTACT………stop him from controlling you……….he is out to destroy you………but you already know that……..stop the emotional attachment………Take care of yourself……..he does not care about you……has no respect towards you after all the years you were married and as the person who gave him such precious gifts as are his daughters………………does he think you are still waiting for him to come back to you and that is why he is telling you to move on………tell him for the last time that you have moved on that you wish him all the happiness in the world that you were not able to make him feel……you hope he receives all the love you were not able to make him feel …….you know that Janice makes him happy and you know they are in love………you were not able to make him love you and you know he was never in love with you….you did not make him happy…you are quite aware that you meant nothing to him, and he was never happy with you…….but you have accepted this and you want him to be happy and experience real love as he has with Janice……..you can also say …….I’m sorry really sorry you were so miserable in our marriage…….I’m sorry I did not make you happy ……I’m sorry you got stuck with a wife you were never in love with or desired ad a woman…..I apologize for being such a burde to you….I feel really bad you had to be with a woman you found so unattractive ……..you did not find attractive…..you have told me how much you despise me as a woman , now you have a woman you are attracted to ,is sexy ,and finally you are in love with…………I am trully happy for you……..Janice will fill your life and make it worthwhile as I could not……be happy …….life is not a dress rehearsal….God had given you a second chance to find the happiness you were yearning for……..enjoy your found fortune for it is not something that happens to everyone….make your life better than what it is now. and cut all ties with this person you hate so much……..do not bother with any communication with me……let’s finalize our divorce and you will never have to have any more contact with the woman who made you so unhappy for so many years…….let’s get this done and you will never have to deal with me ….I promise you……you will never have to hear my voice or look at my repulsive personna……..I will be finally out of your life and your space…….you will never have to be reminded again of how I made you so unhappy……you do not have to be rude or mean to me ever again for I will cease to be part if your life and your reality……..I know you want me to disappear from your life……..I will and you never have to deal with me again………this I promise to you and I will do it because I have moved on and I wish you LOVE………BE HAPPY

    this speech and attitude worked for me and many other friends who like you were being bullied by their husbands regarding their divorce………..honey give it to him ……..he is not the same man you knew 20Years ago…..that man is dead…….just think about you and your girls……..do anything you can to end this nightmare…….he will take you to the poor house if you let him…….remember tomorrow is not promised to us……….anything can cut your life short do not waste your life away arguing and fighting with the enemy………..change strategies…….be smarter than him……..so far what you are doing is not working…………NO CONTACT……….and tell him how sorry you are for not making him happy and wasting all those years in a relationship with a woman he never loved……………change lanes ……change your attitude……let him believe you are really sorry for the time he wasted with you and how happy you know he is with Janice and how you only want him to be happy in love with her

    You have to stop this nightmare……….bless you

  2. Thank you for taking the time to write out your advice. I keep hoping he is so happy that it will turn his insides and heart to something more beautiful than the ugliness he continues to spew at me. I’ll share about how he has responded at my one last hoorah request to resolve our financial issues and then, as per your advice, there will be no more need for contact and it will be simply through lawyers.

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