adultery, affair, breach of contract, cheating, child support, children, control, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, lawyer, legal process, marriage, separatiion, spousal support

Back to Business

We were supposed to go to court on December 17, 2015 but Dave’s lawyer pushed it into the new year. We are scheduled to appear on January 20, 2016.

Dave owes me more than $11,000 from July 1 – December 31, 2015 for spousal and child support as well as pet expenses. The amount is based on a formula as per our income tax figures and the amount agreed upon as per our mediation agreement but he chooses not to pay. I need the court order to enforce payment.

My name is on our older daughter’s school account that Dave was responsible to pay from September 2014 to June 2015. The bill is for incidentals, not tuition. She was living with him at that time. He hasn’t paid a dime. When she lived with me for the 2 years she incurred these expenses I paid them 100% with no child support. That amount is now $1229.88.

There are a few other things we are requesting.

There isn’t a whole lot more you can do when you have an agreement with someone who has zero integrity. I wish I had never wasted time, energy, and money with the Collaborative process or mediation. You have to know who you are fighting against and a court decision is the only hope that I have in putting an end to my ex’s game playing with my finances and putting an end to our marriage officially.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Florida, marriage, other woman, travel

My Nosy Ex

My girls and I were at our last stop in Calgary, Alberta before catching our final flight back to Victoria. It was a long travel day and we were enjoying an excellent dinner at the Calgary airport. My daughter was legal drinking age in Alberta, 18 years old, so I was able to buy her a pomegranate mango passion fruit sangria (her choice) in a giant mason jar glass as her first legal drink.

My phone buzzed during our dinner and it was a text from my ex. He said, “btw… say hi to (friend’s name) for me.” Some how he found out who I was staying with in Florida during our trip. It is a guy that grew up on the same street as me in London, Ontario. He is 5 years older but my sister went to school with his sister, he knew my parents and me, we went to some of the same parties in high school and we reconnected in Toronto after university as we both worked in the insurance industry.

He was always very kind to me treating me to dinners, concerts and golf tournaments as his client when he was a marketing rep for a company that I used often for business purposes. When Dave and I were travelling on a road trip down to Baltimore and then up the east coast he generously gave us restaurant gift certificates and baseball tickets at stops along the way. He did the same thing after I won a trip to Las Vegas during a golf tournament he took me to as his guest. Dave and I went to Vegas and then stayed an extra week renting a car to travel around California.

My older daughter had lunch with her dad today before I drove her to the ferry to head back to school. Her dad mentioned my friend and said that he knew him and didn’t know why we kept it a secret that we were staying with him. It wasn’t a secret. Why would my ex think that me or my children should share any details of my life with him? My children didn’t find out about the trip until Christmas Day and we left at 3:45 a.m. the next day to go to the airport. Their dad chose to see the girls for lunch on Christmas Eve so they didn’t even see him after finding out about the trip. I told Dave in advance that we were going away and for how long so he was aware I was taking our daughters out of the country. He was fine with that, wrote me a letter for customs just in case, and didn’t ask where I was going let alone if I was going with anyone.

My older daughter asked him 3 times at lunch today how he knew that we were staying with my friend in Florida. She said that each time she asked he changed the subject and never responded to her question.

Hmm, I wonder if he knows who slept over at my house the night before we left on our trip and who drove us to the airport and then picked us up the night we returned. 🙂

Uncategorized

Happy New Year 2016 from Key West, Florida

I told my friend that the best thing for me about 2015 is that it is over. He sarcastically commented about my “uplifting” sentiment but I wasn’t finished reflecting.

pitbull-NYE-2015-billboard-650 The best thing for me about losing all of my security or false sense of security is that I feel like I have nothing else left to lose. Initially, I thought that meant that I would not be able to do any of the things that I really wanted to do in my life. Surprisingly, the complete opposite is becoming my reality. I am not living in deprivation. I know what I really want and those things important to me are coming to fruition in my life.

I love to travel. I love the new experiences, adventures, exploring, food, people, surroundings, culture, history, etc. This Christmas, the only thing that I wanted to do was to go away. Nothing about Christmas really appeals to me anymore and least of all the material aspect of buying and contributing to the accumulation of things. I looked into many options but nothing was affordable or really worked to the schedule of me and my children. But, the universe conspires to make my dreams come true despite my circumstances.

Out of the blue, an incredibly generous gift that I actually turned down 3 times before I finally accepted, allowed me to take both my daughters to Miami and Key West over the Christmas holiday. Just by saying “yes” and accepting that gift, more gifts followed. I learned that Pitbull was hosting his second New Year’s Revolution Party with a free concert to be televised by Fox T.V with a star-studded line up of artists both my kids love. Then the day before the New Year’s Eve concert we watched two other artists my kids really wanted to see for another free concert on the beach–Macklemore with Ryan Lewis and Imagine Dragons. There was a fireworks display afterwards. And during our time here I won a trip to Cancun for 4 nights and 5 days. All of these things were truly free gifts to me.

Experiences continued. My kids really wanted to go and see The Dash store owned by the Kardashians. While we were there we went to dinner in the area which is in trendy South Beach. When we came out of the restaurant, Jalapeno, after an amazing meal in a phenomenal atmosphere with the most attentive waiter, my younger daughter spotted a man riding a bicycle with a lemur in the basket of his bicycle. We called him over and he generously allowed my kids to pet and hold the lemur. He then took it a considerable distance away from them and had them stand still and the monkey jumped all the way from him onto their shoulders. A crowd was gathering around as he allowed both my children turns with the monkey. It is something they will always remember.

During our trip I found people to be so kind and friendly. One young guy was sharing with me about his tour in Afghanistan as a marine. He showed me photos of his friends in uniform and then their blown up tank and how he lost both of those friends when their vehicle was targeted and he was lucky to be alive. He had a brain injury and was now working in the travel industry. He asked me where I was staying and when he found out that I hadn’t booked a room yet for our final day in Miami after our drive back from Key West he told me that he would book me a room with 2 king beds at the Marriott Hotel by the airport for free. He called my cell phone so I had his contact number but I really didn’t think I would hear from him. He contacted me again to ensure that he had the right airport and day that we needed the room. Then he contacted me to apologize that it was so busy at the Marriott that night that he was only able to get me a room with 2 queen beds. He sent me the confirmation email.

So while I was standing watching the Pitbull concert on New Year’s Eve with my children, dancing, singing, seeing the stage and the performers clearly when there were apparently 100,000 people there, seeing how excited my children were for the various acts, having 2 firework displays going off at midnight in the sky above me and then again 15 minutes later I suddenly felt so alive and awake. Colours seemed more vibrant. I thanked God for his generosity and for knowing how to give me and my children the best gifts imaginable. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better vacation. I felt so grateful.

A couple of minutes before the end of the concert while Pitbull was thanking everyone, rain, which seemed to come out of no where because it had been a clear, sunny, hot day, poured down on us. I knew I was being renewed and the rain was the perfect symbol for that. I felt elated.

Today, my children and I spent our last full day together leaving the house at 10:45 a.m. not returning until 10:00 p.m. My kids were happy and grateful for everything we did, no complaints about all the walking, and even thrilled to take a ride back to the hotel in a pink taxi cab. We lied together on my bed and looked at pictures, talked and laughed for another 1 1/2 hours. My older daughter commented that she thinks this is the best vacation we have ever taken.

Although I have never been happier to put a year behind me, I have never felt so excited and optimistic for the new year before me. Happy New Year everyone! Wishing you all amazing gifts and happy surprises for 2016!

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, Frank Elsner, God, infidelity, lying, Police, shame, sin, Spirituality, unfaithfulness

Victoria Police Chief Steps Aside

The police union demanded the resignation of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, two weeks ago as a result of his admission that he was exchanging inappropriate Twitter messages with the wife of a subordinate police officer.

Now, as reported by CHEK news tonight, Frank Elsner has voluntarily stepped aside, with pay, now that the Office of Police Complaints Commissioner has ordered two different public trust investigations into the police chief.

He is being investigated by RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and two retired judges. Not only is there an issue with his exchange of flirtatious social media messages but he also allegedly misled investigators, lied to the officer in question about the messages he sent to his wife so that the officer would not file a complaint against him, talked to witnesses after being told not to talk to witnesses, and four employees have made workplace harassment complaints against him since 2014.

The investigation is expected to take six months.

Based on my conversation with people who work for Victoria Police, all of their emails and the Police Department social media accounts are internally monitored. How could the police chief be so stupid to not only do what every cheater does and risk his marriage, reputation, relationship with his children and family, ruin his finances, ruin his dreams but also do something that could destroy his career? Did he just think he wouldn’t be caught? Is it spiritual blindness because of his sinful thinking? Maybe when Romans 6:23 talks about the wages of sin being death it is talking about everything good in your life is now dead and gone.

I think of people like Bill Cosby who spent a lifetime building an image that is respected and admired only to have it crumble apart and turn to ash because of his apparent repeated abuse of women for his own sexual pleasure and whatever other gain he received from that behaviour. Now that will be his legacy. I think of scripture like “your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23) and “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world just to forfeit his own soul?”(Matthew 16:26) It makes me feel like I felt with my own husband that he was a fraud, liar and that everything he pretended that he stood for was false.

I suspect that there will be a new Victoria Police Chief in 2016.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, psychology, relationships

Negative Consequences of an Affair

Thank you, TheClip, for providing this link from “About Relationships”. It describes my cheating spouse’s behavior and treatment of me to the dime. It helps explain and confirm that healing from the side of the faithful spouse is a longer, harder journey especially when the cheating spouse continues to try to force me to pay for his bad behaviour.

Mutual Agreements Mean Happy Endings:

There are differing types of divorce and each one has it’s own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this, the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement, settle their affairs amicably, and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally divorce themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Enter The Third Party:

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

Feelings of guilt motivates them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair.

They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, “I was forced into marrying you” or, “You’ve never loved me the way I needed to be loved” or, “I have lived in hell for 20 years.” He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse by blaming the wronged spouse.

You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse’s cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today’s society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

abuse, adultery, affair, Betrayal, blogging, bullying, cheating, children, control, cruelty, Defamation, divorce, Janice Andrews, marriage, marriage breakdown, other woman, reputation, separatiion

My Ex’s latest Threat and Bullying

My ex has been texting me a lot again.

Last month there were weird texts that he would end with an emoticon of lips (after wishing me to have a great day), or one blowing a kiss (after he told me to go fuck myself) or ending it with xoxoxo (after he told me he had inner joy knowing he didn’t have to come home to me).

It ramped up again after he unexpectedly attended our youngest daughter’s dance open house on Tuesday at 3:30 p.m. I certainly didn’t anticipate seeing him at all for the week long open house, let alone at one of her earliest classes because work is an excuse he uses most times to break commitments and avoid these types of activities.

He initiated talking to me as soon as he saw me asking where was our daughter.

“I don’t know, probably getting changed for class,” I responded. I had just visited with her in the bathroom and she entered the classroom shortly afterwards.

Then he asked me what the plan was for Christmas because I didn’t respond to his text. I told him I never received one asking about Christmas so he resent it. Turns out he had in fact sent it previously but it was buried in several rants he had sent me and it looks like I responded to one of his rants at the same time he sent this completely unrelated message so I never saw it. I told him that if he had something important to ask me that it was best if he did it via email as texting for me is a tool just for quick answer and response forms of communication.

His next question to me was where he could pick up the poinsettias. I told him I didn’t know. He said that the email said that pick up was between 4:30 – 5:30. Ah, that was the reason he was there. He had to get the plants he ordered. When he disappeared shortly after my daughter’s second class started my girlfriend told me he had to get his poinsettias and then go to hockey. That also explained to me why he changed picking up our daughter on Tuesdays. His hockey schedule changed. His change meant that I could no longer participate in my run group that I was part of for the last 5 or 6 years every Tuesday night.

He texted me the next day, yesterday, and it happened again that he sent a message, I responded and before I could respond he sent another message at the same time that got buried behind my response. When I mentioned that he didn’t respond to my question he became very belligerent. He asked me if I was taking so many medications that I had an inability to read. He said I only look at the negative and complain about everything. He criticized me comparing me to people in my life he thought were negative and then chastised me for not being more like other people in my life that he named as being positive. He said that I asked him not to text me but I spent our daughter’s dance class texting. He accused me of doing it on purpose because I like everyone to know what I am doing. He told me he thought I had bipolar issues. He said I waste a lot of my personal time on him for someone who is supposed to be happy and having the time of her life. He said that even though I tell him he is wasting my time I contact him a lot. He said that for someone who has moved on I am writing about him a lot. I claim one thing but do the opposite. Then he told me I was like a used car. I am a lemon and that he’s happy to get a new, better and improved model. He said that getting rid of me almost 3 years ago was the best decision he ever made. He suggested that if I win my court case against him I should use the money towards a make over because I am in dire need. He then said he couldn’t care less what I look like because he is happy being with someone who loves him and our kids. He said I can spend thousands of dollars chasing my tail but money is meaningless. He assured me that when I act like an ass he will treat me like an ass.

Then today he texted me saying that he, Janice and Coast Claims are suing me for defamation for my blog. He said I have harmed their reputations by identifying them which has resulted in lost business opportunity. He said that I have made their case quite easy to win. They will be seeking damages and I may want to get some legal advice. Then he ranted that I lost our older daughter’s passport photos and I lose everything, including my dignity and sanity. He texted me again saying that my anger and bitterness has gotten the best of me and because of my blog, the statements I have made about him, Janice, releasing information that was confidential about Coast Claims and the employees is damaging and I am going to be sued and will pay financially very dearly for my repeated abuse. He told me to get myself a good lawyer because I am going to need it.

His final text to me tonight said they are all suing me because of our kids. A lawyer last night at their client Christmas party apparently mentioned the blog and the impact on the kids when they see it and this lawyer apparently recommended suing me. He said that his partners have wanted to for awhile so its really just good timing. He said that no one asked me to take down the blog. I was asked to remove personal and identifying information. Now they are going to ensure that happens legally and I will end up paying their costs and damages. I better get a job to pay for my legal fees and their award because they will enforce the award and if it means I will live on the street so be it. He told me to remember what I said about karma…It’s a bitch darling and now its your turn. Merry Christmas!!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, Frank Elsner, marriage, Police, separatiion, shame, the other woman, Trust

Police Chief still in trouble

Although the Victoria Police Board initially tried to skirt the issue of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, inappropriately communicating with the wife of one of his subordinates, by saying he was not under investigation, the issue isn’t going away that easily.

The police union announced yesterday that there is “…no confidence in his ability to continue to lead the Victoria Police Department.”

When Victoria mayor, Lisa Helps, was interviewed on the news tonight, she was now the one stuttering when asked about her confidence in the police chief.

The police board and the union met today and will release a statement tomorrow. The Office of Police Complaints Commission will release a statement regarding the violation of public trust.

In my opinion, some positions of authority and leadership do carry a higher onus of moral responsibility. It will be very interesting to see if this man’s dream of finishing his police career here in Victoria as Chief of Police and then retiring in this city will be destroyed because of his stupid decision to build up his ego and fulfill whatever desires he might have had for another police officer’s wife.

Lesson to cheaters everywhere. Don’t do in private , secrecy and deceit what you would never want to be disclosed publicly for the world, your spouse, children and employer to judge. You have no idea what is at stake.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, marriage, Police

Just Another Dog?

In my Souper Bowl post I shared my experience of a very enjoyable lunch with Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner. When I found out he was married, that was the end of it for me. We had a legitimate connection and I loved the time we spent in conversation but I excused myself from the table and moved on.

I was so disappointed and saddened tonight when my friend texted me to say that my police chief friend was in trouble for inappropriate conduct with the wife of a Victoria Police officer. He told me it was all over the news. My heart honestly broke. I immediately thought of his wife and the one daughter that lives in Victoria, the same age as my youngest daughter.

I texted my close friend right away who is married to a Victoria Police officer to see if it was true. She confirmed it. I jokingly asked if she was the wife in question. More seriously I asked her if she had any inclination that Frank was a dog because after I told her about my interaction with him at lunch she clearly didn’t feel the same way I felt about him. I remembered that she had been spot on about my husband regarding his behaviour at our Christmas party, just 2 months before I found out about his affair. She told me she just found out about all of this and has only had a handful of interactions with the chief but “sometimes you just get a sense about someone.”

Sure enough, Global BC reported tonight that “Victoria’s police chief admits he is ashamed and humiliated by his own conduct. An internal Police board investigation has determined Frank Elsner exchanged inappropriate messages with the wife of a subordinate officer. Despite that, the civilian board is standing by the chief even as questions have surfaced about the nature of the board’s investigation of the entire affair.”

Frank came on the television and said, “This was a momentary lapse of judgement and again I, I (yes he stuttered) sincerely and fully take full responsibility for but I am really sorry for. It was really stupid.” For the intelligent man I had met and know him to be by his degrees and success, he did sound really stupid.

My thought then was that he should lose his job. He has to have lost all respect and confidence as the leader of a 200 plus police force and by the public. Why should the police officer of the wife he was inappropriate with have to answer to him. I know of a special task force officer who lost his job from this same police force for sleeping with another special task force officer’s wife. This is a job where trust of your coworkers can mean life or death. Confidence, trust and respect of your police chief for the public is paramount, too.

Apparently, Frank was contacting, via Twitter, a female, who is a member of another police force and is married to a Victoria police department officer. We have several municipality police departments around Victoria with separate police and RCMP as well. A physical relationship was implied but Frank denies any relationship.

Frank said that he brought the situation to the attention of his wife. He claims it is a personal matter and it does not affect his employment or his ability to lead this organization.

The board was trying to keep it all confidential because they support the chief and what he has done for Victoria and because two families have been “very affected” and “broken up over this.”

I am just sad. It seems personal to me.

Frank indicated: “This doesn’t meet the standard that is expected of me, or that I expect from myself,” he says. “This will never happen again…It’s over, it’s done with, and the matter is complete.”

I suspect that is very much what Frank wishes. My experience is that this is only the beginning. Certainly between he and his wife, his relationship with his daughters, the public, his police force, regulatory board, city council, coworkers, etc. the matter is definitely not complete. It will be a mark on his character for the rest of his life.

adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, difficult personality, Dr. Craig Malkin, marriage, narcissism, parenting

When to Walk Away and the Hot Potato Pass

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism” as per the video I recently watched, there are stop signs and reasons to leave a relationship with a narcissist.

Dr. Malkin says that the normal impulse is to run away from people like this and often that is a good idea. If someone is physically or emotional abusive that is a reason to leave and you may need professional help to get out. If they are in denial and can’t even say, “I think there is something wrong, I am having trouble here and it’s not going to get better”, that is a reason to leave. The third stop sign is if you see a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit. This can be a sign of severe psychopathy and they can be dangerous. You may require help to leave. I experienced everything mentioned at some point during my relationship with my husband. The physical abuse was a one time incident prior to getting married but it was significant. He grabbed my throat with both his hands and I scratched his face to get away. We were living in a condo at the time and we were in the end unit by the stairwell. He threw all my clothes down the stairs. I was wearing only a bathrobe and went to retrieve my clothes when he locked me out of our suite.

Dr. Malkin indicates that Narcissists depend on feeling special to feel good, to soothe themselves in a variety of ways instead of depending on people. He suggests that you can find out if the narcissist in your life has a capacity to share more vulnerable feelings and experience empathy, care and concern, if you open up and are vulnerable around them. My experience leads me to believe that my husband learned how he should act in certain situations. I believe he had an intellectual sense that he should be saying and doing something caring when in fact he didn’t feel those feelings. Anything deep and personal that I shared or displayed making me vulnerable only proved to me that he had no capacity for empathy, care or concern. I then learned to protect myself from additional hurt and rejection by keeping my true needs and feelings to myself.

Examples of why I did this is because I remember very specific times when my husband was so cold to me that the rejection and lack of care cut deeply.

There were 2 incidents that I recall before we got married. We were making Valentine’s Day dinner when I cut my finger very seriously. I went to the bathroom to run it under cold water. He came to see how it was and he accused me of squeezing it to make it bleed and to make it look worse. I was doing the opposite by trying to stop the bleeding. We did in fact end up in Emergency and I required stitches. Another time was when we played baseball together. I fell and broke my foot. I couldn’t get up and everyone came over from both teams to help me. Every single person on my team came except Dave. I was carried off the field and had to go to Emergency again. He drove me there. I eventually needed surgery on my foot. I had a huge cast and was taking Oxycontin. They wouldn’t even let him pick up the prescription because of the seriousness of medication and the doctor had to be called. I couldn’t get up and walk alone and I was in so much pain but completely stoned from the meds. He left me the next day to go and play golf. I remember it was later in the afternoon when he came home. I was in tears trying to get up just to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t even get to the kitchen to get any food or drink.

After we had been married for about 7 years, I remember sobbing in the tub on my dad’s birthday, 4 months after he passed. It was 3 weeks after 911 and I was 2 months pregnant (had just had a miscarriage before my dad’s sudden death from a head-injury after a fall) and I was feeling very emotional. Dave heard me and never came to see if I was okay. He made some comment afterwards and I told him it was my dad’s birthday. He just said sorry he didn’t remember but that was it.

I remember during the birth of our second child that I was feeling really badly because my husband was complaining at the hospital that it was cold, he had sore feet and that he had to help transfer me to the gurney to take me to the operating room. I remember feeling so guilty that I couldn’t push the baby out quick enough to ease his discomfort and annoyances.

After the birth of our second daughter he was so mad that I needed him to stay in the hospital with me overnight to help me get the baby in the night to feed her and change her. I just had a C-section. I begged and insisted he had to stay. He refused to stay the second night and he made me feel so badly for needing his help that I was fine with him leaving.

When I came home from the hospital, I was sobbing. They wanted me to stay in longer (I was definitely struggling physically following the surgery, had breast feeding issues and had passed some very large blood clots. The one my husband saw and the nurse noted was the size of a grapefruit. I thought my whole insides were falling out. I was also showing signs of post partum depression) but I felt I would be better at home as I got no sleep in the hospital. Before we arrived home, I needed items for me and the baby at the drugstore. My husband made me get out of the car and go into the pharmacy myself to get my prescriptions. I could barely walk let alone bend over and I literally could not stop crying. Several nights later, I was in a lot of pain with a blocked milk-duct. After doctor consultation, we were told that nursing was the only way to unblock it without surgery. I dreaded feeding her because when the baby latched it was agonizing. My breast was so infected I had a fever and diarrhea. I was shivering with the fever, sitting on the toilet and my husband came and gave me our new baby because “one of us has to get up and work in the morning.”

Another significant memory for me is after my mom passed away, he yelled at me for not driving my sister to the airport and for asking him to do it instead. When he came back a week later after I was left alone, with both my kids to look after, to clean out the rest of the house my parents had lived in for 50 years, he yelled again because I needed him to take some items to Goodwill. He had no idea how much work I had to do, how little sleep I had, the pressure of the time line for the house closing and how much stuff I had to get rid of let alone the emotional toil of the situation.

According to Dr. Malkin, one of the ways narcissists dodge feeling uncomfortable is to pass their insecurities onto someone else like a game of hot potato. They try to get you to take on the feeling they don’t want. One of their manoeuvres is to question your every move. They try to get over their own vulnerable feelings of not being good enough by making you feel like you are the incompetent one. They play emotional hot potato.

I definitely experienced this with my husband and realize now it intensified during his affair. One night he came home from work and questioned what I did all day. I told him one thing was that I cleaned out the fridge and that I pulled it out and cleaned behind it as well. I was telling him how dirty it was when he went over and accused me of scratching the hardwood floor by pulling it out myself. I constantly felt like I couldn’t do enough to please him.

Dr. Malkin specifically says they start to nitpick at you to make them feel better about what they’ve done.

I also remember him coming back from a trip to Vancouver and accusing me of not cleaning the kitchen while he was gone saying that the same dishes were on the counter. I told him they were new dirty dishes but he tried to insist I did nothing when he was gone.

I also vividly remember him so intensely angry over a coworker who allegedly lied to him. He said he was going to confront this person for saying he received after-hour calls that he went out on when he didn’t. I remember trying to calm my husband during his outrage. Meanwhile, he was the one lying about so many things to me, the affair included.

Recognizing and understanding more about narcissism has helped me to realize that I am so much better off without this man in my life. Love covers a multitude of sins and I did love my husband but the affair and his behaviour preceding my discovery of the affair and his handling of my feelings afterwards made it clear that walking away was my only option. Now that I have stopped loving this man as my husband, his sins are no longer covered in my eyes. I see very clearly. I never kept a record of his wrongs or brought these things up but again when I stopped loving him as my husband memories of these things come flooding back. It seems obvious to me now that this is a man who is not capable of true, deep and meaningful love with another human being. I don’t qualify the statement as him just being incapable of loving me because I am aware of enough examples surrounding our children and others who he should have deeper relationships with to recognize that I am not the problem.

Understanding narcissism better has helped me be able to distance myself and depersonalize my husband’s behaviour towards me. It is still painful, especially the betrayal and unfair and cruel treatment over the past 2 1/2 years, but I am not near as reactionary in response to my ex’s tirades, callousness and even his hatred towards me. It helps to explain some of his behaviour including the affair, his treatment of his children during our separation and his inability to accept his responsibilities in honouring our mediation agreement and the other legal proceedings.

It has also made me realize that the discovery of his affair was a blessing in disguise. I deserve so much better. I deserve someone who is capable of loving me especially in my weakness and vulnerabilities. Someone who actually cares about my needs and wants and desires me to feel special.

My ex’s ongoing behaviour has helped confirm that he does have deep rooted issues that will not be resolved by him leaving our marriage. One day the ‘other woman’ just won’t be able to make him feel special enough. This I am confident as I already know he has approached other women during his relationship with her.

In the storm and chaos that my ex continues to create around me, I am finally able to experience inner peace. My life is hopeful, happy and I am discovering new gifts every day as a result of my new life.

http://www.oprah.com/own-show/How-to-Spot-the-Hidden-Narcissist-in-Your-Life

adultery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, divorce, Dr. Craig Malkin, narcissism, Oprah, parenting, psychology, relationships, separation

The Secret Signs of Narcissism

I recently received, in my inbox, an email from Oprah.com with an article entitled “How to Spot the Hidden Narcissist in Your Life”. I watched the video that teaches you how to protect yourself after identifying an narcissist by learning how to engage and when to walk away.

Beneficial to me was the coping mechanism of “catching the narcissist doing something good.” This direction on how to approach the narcissist in your life suggests that you point out times they show caring, concern or empathy. Research shows that the more the narcissist sees they can rely on feeling good from relationships the less they turn to the addiction of needing to feel special or superior in other unhealthy ways.

I tried this.

I thanked Dave for selling the 3 coupon books that I gave him for our daughter’s dance program. I also complimented him on selling the 10 raffle tickets I gave him to sell. I thanked him by text for getting the money back to me and then suggested that he might want to even look at buying some gift cards for places that he regularly frequents, through her dance program fundraiser, for himself and Christmas gifts. A specific percentage, depending on the company, goes back to our daughter directly. He got back to me a few days later and said he had money for the poinsettia fundraiser, too. He gets all the fundraising emails but he has never raised funds for her before. My response, “Wow, you did poinsettias. That is awesome. I hear they are beautiful for the price.” He asked what he had to do with the order forms and I told him that I would hand everything in for him. He mentioned that the order had to be in that day so I just asked him to email the rep and let her know it would come in the next day and make sure that was okay. He did.

A couple of days later I asked him if he was interested in picking up our daughter from dance on a night that I had a conflict. He didn’t respond for 3 days so I made other arrangements but then he did respond saying he would get her. The day after he picked her up I texted him saying, “Thank you for picking up (daughter’s name). I am sure she misses seeing her dad every day.”

The blurb under the video I watched has this message:

It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist, but knowing who they are can save you from heartbreak. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, breaks down the hidden warning signs of a narcissist. Watch as he explains how they work—and how you can protect your own emotional health.

The video is only 6 minutes long and worth the view.

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A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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