adultery, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, infidelity, marriage

Do angels feel pain?

My older daughter texted me from university with this question, “Angels can suffer right? Like feel pain or die or be sad?”

“Well”, I said. They were created by God but I don’t know about them dying. I don’t think they can die because they are in heaven with God. Although Satan was found to be wicked and got kicked out of heaven, but he’s still alive causing destruction on earth. I don’t know if Satan feels like he is suffering or not as a result of God casting him out. He rules the world and probably feels very successful in that sense. I am guessing they can feel. Satan is described as the most beautiful angel, esd ordained by God and believed he should be higher than God. He must be able to feel in order to be so prideful. I am guessing he can feel because he hates us and it must make him happy to hurt us or why not just follow God?”

My daughter responded, “He got kicked out because he was jealous of God’s love of humans and because of that disobeyed right?” Then she asked another totally unrelated question about coming home this weekend and we didn’t talk about it further. I followed up with her a couple of days later to see if she figured it all out and what prompted the question. It was for a debate she was working on in her Philosophy class. She had to respond in an atheist point of view.

I don’t know how you respond to a question about angels in an atheist point of view except to say they don’t exist but it got me thinking about Satan. I remembered how in Job he was “roaming in and out of the earth” and when I read it again (Job 1-6) it says in the NIV that he was “going back and forth on it.” I wonder how many times in the past few years Satan has been going back and forth over my life. I honestly don’t think there is anything he can do to me to shake my faith in God, or God’s love for me, and promised plan to prosper me (favourite scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.) but I sure don’t want to tempt Satan to bring it on! I feel like I’ve had enough.

As I write this, the song in the background repeats, “If I lose myself I lose it all.” (Naughty Boy, ‘Runnin’ ft. Beyoncé)

I remember talking to my husband about his affair in a spiritual light. I reminded him that after Satan tempted Jesus while he was in the desert for 40 days that he was unsuccessful and left until a more “opportune time.” (Matthew 4: 1 – 11) I suggested that Satan knew everything going on in Dave’s life, heart and mind–probably because he was whispering in his ear, and it was the opportune time to trip him up. I reminded him that Ephesians 4:27 commands, “…and do not give the devil a foothold.” Dave let the door open for Satan even just a crack. That was all Satan needed to stick his foot in and kick it wide open. Dave responded to me saying, “Or maybe we just did a lousy job at taking care of our marriage.” I didn’t think so.

If you think spiritually and stay spiritual and have spiritual people guiding you and supporting you in your life, there are spiritual solutions for infidelity. Not easy ones because although I can’t respond for angels I know for sure that as humans we do suffer. We do feel sadness and we do feel pain. We do die physically and can feel like we are dying of a broken heart. We can still be alive but experience spiritual death, separation from God, which for a Christian is supposed to be more painful than physical death. I think that is why as much as the bible makes it clear that God hates divorce, knowing us as humans, he allows infidelity as the only reason for divorce to be granted. How hard it would be to stay with someone who betrayed you.

Comfort on earth in all of this–angels! I have had many angels show up in various forms to me during these last 3 years. And it is confirmed in Matthew 4:11. When Satan failed to tempt Jesus, Satan went away at Jesus’ command. When Satan left Jesus, “angels came and attended him.”

Praying that we all experience the attendance of angels in our life, especially after Satan has played with our lives directly or indirectly.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, separation

Once Upon a Time

My daughter is home from school sick with the flu so we decided to catch up on a bunch of ‘Once Upon a Time’ episodes from last season.

In the episode that we just watched, Snow White was asking the Evil Queen to keep a secret for her. Her reasoning was this:

“Because when you betray the people you love, when you make them see the worst parts of you, what you’ve done changes everything. There’s no going back. You’ve shattered the bonds you’ve worked so hard to forge. The stronger those bonds once were, the more difficult they are to put back together. If they can be repaired at all.”

adutery, cheating, children, divorce, infidelity, Mid Life Crisis

Fun-draising

I saw my ex and talked to him for the first time since I dropped off receipts at his office more than 3 months ago. We haven’t spoken or seen each other since he hijacked my blog. This time, I was the only one who spoke. He just glared. Even behind those mirrored sunglasses I knew he was glaring. He was completely stone-faced. That in itself made me start to grin but it was the entire one minute exchange that for whatever reason I found completely comical and had me walking away in laughter.

He picked up my daughter for their Thursday night dinner together. He was taking her to watch him get his haircut first. How fun for her. She has fundraising to do for the Peninsula Young Performers and she didn’t want to ask her dad to help her based on past experience. She asked me if I would ask him on her behalf.

What my daughter doesn’t know is that I already gave her dad an opportunity, at the end of last dance season, for his company to be a corporate sponsor for the Peninsula Young Performers this dance season. I offered to give the information to his partners but he said that he would handle it. He asked me to forward the details by email and I did. When I received no response I followed up again at the start of this dance year. Still no response. It is a very inexpensive marketing opportunity for them, with lots of different options from $150 to $1500, and an excellent way to glean community recognition with their company name appearing on the theatre marquis, name and logo on 60 posters displayed around the community, name and logo on a banner hanging outside the dance studio, advertisement in the programs, etc. Some of their clients were sponsors last year. Not to mention how much it would mean to our daughter to have her dad and his company support her.

I told my daughter that it was her responsibility to fundraise if she had any hope of being able to go on the US dance competition trip in Portland, Oregon in March 2016. She said that she would ask anyone else but for me to please just ask her dad for her. So when he arrived we both walked to his vehicle. She got in the back seat and I opened the front door of the passenger seat. The Bove wasn’t there. I guess she didn’t want to go watch him get his hair cut.

I held out 3 coupon books. I asked if he could sell each book for $20. I told him that $10 goes back to our dancer and the other $10 to Compassionate Warehouse Foundation. In the middle of my explanation he took the coupon books and threw them on the seat. He said nothing and just glared. Then I gave him a book of 10 tickets for the Hillside Mall “Night before late night shopping” event. I didn’t even get to explain those (he’s been to this event when we were together anyways) before he took them from me and threw them on the seat, also. I looked in the back seat at our daughter and she had a big grin on her face.

During this exchange, I became aware of my ex’s shirt. It looked like something Don Cherry, from Coach’s corner on Hockey Night in Canada, would wear. It made me smile more. It had a plain white collar but the rest of the shirt had a busy, checkered pattern of various browns, maybe purple but nothing like I had ever seen him wear before. His hair style is different from when we were together. It is shaved on the side and then long on top with some type of swoop happening. Plus he had on coloured, mirrored sunglasses. I wondered if it was all part of a mid-life crisis or if the Bove influenced his new style.

I couldn’t help but laugh. He just seemed like a cartoon character to me. His user name, “Happy” on my blog is the antithesis of his angry personality as anyone who reads his comments recognizes but it made me happy seeing how hard he was trying to be whatever he was trying to be.

As I was about to close the door to his vehicle, I looked at my daughter again who was still smiling from ear to ear. I told her to have fun and that if she was lucky she might get to come with me to my next waxing appointment.

adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, marriage, separation, the other woman

Getting Remarried

I attended my first wedding since separating from my husband.

It was the second wedding for both the bride and the groom. I wondered if I would be at all cynical for the exchanging of vows between 2 people promising to be faithful, for better or for worse, and until death parts them. After all, they likely spoke those same words to other people but never kept their promise.

Making it odder for me was the fact that I knew the bride’s previous husband and his new wife. There was talk by guests at the wedding, who didn’t know that I knew the bride’s ex-husband and his new wife, that he had an affair and that was what ended the marriage. I know that to be true.

I was reminded at the wedding that my husband actually stumbled over his vows during the part where he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be faithful.” Laughter came from the pews because of his stumble on our wedding day 21 years ago. My husband explained afterwards that he paused only because he thought the minister was not finished speaking. Now I wonder if he knew then that he had no intention of staying true to his vow and wonder if he cheated in the 4 years we lived together before getting married. I remember some very specific lies he told when we first started dating. Why was that not a huge red flag to me?

I had a lot of fun at the wedding. I was truly happy for the couple. They looked beautiful. They have rhyming names. They are both kind-hearted, fun, generous people who deserve a partnership full of love and respect. At this point they seem to have that in their relationship. I pray it continues for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I have no desire for that in my future. I will never trust anyone with my entire life again. I don’t feel sad thinking that way even though I know how much I valued and loved my marriage and my husband and how much it benefited the security, peace and well-being of our children. I think it is wisdom. Live and learn.

I want my freedom more than anything else. When I am not doing everything for my children, I want to be doing everything for me. Selfish? I thought about that but usually what I want to do benefits other people. I have so many friends: married, single, divorced, separated, male, female, working, not working, parents, no kids, etc. and I am loving my time with all of them. I keep meeting more and more people and am getting to know others who were just acquaintances before on a deeper level. My life is full. I don’t ever want my life to be about only one other person’s needs–a husband. That absolutely makes me cringe to think about it. I want to spend my life doing what I want, with who I want, when I want.

My friend said it well: “It takes a really, really great guy to be better than no guy.”

adultery, cheating, divorce, family, infidelity

The In-laws, my Birth Mom and their Grand Kids

Divorce definitely affects the entire family, all those extended members included.

For the first time my birth mom and my in-laws arrive in Victoria for the same week. The event that attracts them is my youngest daughter’s final dance recital of the year.

My birth mom arrived last night at 11:00 p.m. and my in-laws arrive tonight. They flew from the same airport, with the same airline, the same flight number, but one night apart.

What surprised me, although honestly it is ridiculous that my ex’s behaviour can still surprise me, is that although my in-laws came specifically to see my daughter dance, my ex only got them tickets to see one of her shows. She dances in 4 recitals but Saturday afternoon she has 4 dances and Saturday evening she dances in 5 completely different numbers than the first show. My older daughter said that her dad told her the afternoon show is duplicate. I assured her they are 4 dances that my daughter as never seen; ballet, tap, jazz tech and one of her Company numbers and that the evening show is entirely different with my daughter performing 2 different musical theatre numbers, jazz, modern and lyrical. She asked if I could get her a ticket.

I texted my ex to ensure he was in fact going to miss his daughter’s afternoon performances and that he did not get our daughter and his parents tickets to the afternoon show. He confirmed this was the case. I told him I was disappointed he wasn’t going to support her at her first show. His response, “My choices are mine and for reasons you don’t know.”

So, although I had not seen or spoke to my in-laws since they came last year to see my daughter dance, I contacted my ex’s parents to let them know that their son did get them tickets to the evening show but that their grand-daughter was also in the first show. I said that they may have other plans but I wanted to make sure they knew she was dancing different dances in the previous show as well.

They indicated that they were coming to see her perform, they had no plans and they wanted to attend the early show as well. I told them I was getting their other grand-daughter a ticket and if they wanted, I could order their tickets at the same time so they could sit together. My father-in-law emailed me after I sent the ticket confirmation and thanked me for reaching out to them. Since my ex wasn’t going to be at the first show I invited them to join us for a bite to eat between shows.

I texted my ex to let him know I got his parents and daughter each tickets for the earlier show.

On Tuesday night my performing daughter came home to say that in fact her dad was now going to her afternoon show. I am so happy she will have an audience of family who are there to support her and focus on her. However, when I told my ex I had invited his parents to have dinner with us between shows when I thought he wasn’t going to be there he said, “Why would my parents want to spend any time with you?”

So, now we are back to the awkwardness of all of us waiting at the stage door for my daughter to emerge, congratulating her after her first performance maybe giving her flowers and gifts and then me taking her away for dinner while they go a separate way. Then seeing each other during the evening show and pretending all is fine. It also puts my older daughter in an awkward position because which group does she choose to go with?

My birth mom said to my performing daughter and me tonight, “Why can’t we all go to eat together?” Neither of us responded.

adultery, divorce, infidelity

Frustration!

I should be sleeping. But instead I am fuming over my ex’s need to fight, control, and to drag our dispute unnecessarily on and on wasting time, money and energy. For what? What is his pay off? It is interesting that his go to line to me is, “Move on.” Yet it is the one thing he simply can’t do.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with my lawyer today at $350/hour. She is equally frustrated with my ex’s refusal to follow through on any of our mediated agreements and it sounds like my ex’s lawyer is experiencing the same frustration with him. Bottom line: My ex doesn’t want to pay any money.

This is one of those cases that should have gone to court. My ex’s personality is not one of reason, fairness, justice or acceptance of responsibility. This should have been clear with the failed Collaborative process but I made the mistake of believing he really did want to put an end to this.

He knows a mistake was made in his favour saving him $35,000 in our mediated agreement. So you would think that he would very quickly ensure that all of the minor expenses he agreed to pay in mediation were handled to show he is following the agreement as set out to make it harder for me to repudiate it in court. But instead, he is fighting more and digging his heels in more.

He agreed to pay 50% of the pet expenses in mediation. He never has. He tried to fight the food expenses for the pets as though it were unreasonable for me to feed them. No vet bills, no boarding bills (these were agreed to in mediation as joint expenses) but all I incurred and submitted to him were their regular food bills and he said, “No.” Now his lawyer says he will pay the food bills but not after the house sale goes through on June 26. My lawyer lost it. She wanted to know then if I was supposed to euthanize the pets when the house sells.

He also agreed to pay 50% of anything the realtor wanted us to do to ready the house for sale. He did nothing that was required. When I told him some of the things that needed to be done and I needed help with he said in his texts to me on April 15, “Figure it out” and “Do what you have to do.” I did. Everything was itemized to him and now he is fighting most bills saying that I live in the house, it was regular maintenance, my responsibility. Yet, our house sold in 4 days because of everything I did. He was ready to accept $5000 less for the house yet he is fighting me on a gardening expense of $319. The realtor commented immediately on how great of a curb appeal difference she saw on just the first 4 hours of the gardener’s time. 3 large gardens at the front and 1 at the back were edged, weeded, bushes trimmed and composting all taken away with a dumping fee for that. Plus we have this horrible invasive weed known as horse tail that is brutal to pull out and very time consuming. He only has to pay 50%. The equivalent of 6 hours of hard work; around $150. He makes that in an hour. Plus, I was doing gardening as well to ensure we met the time crunch for listing yet I never charged him for my time.

I am getting sleepy now. Sorry for venting but I needed the release. So much more. So boring. Same old, same old. I am hoping we can just send these issues back to the mediator for an arbitration ruling as she wears both hats. We agreed in mediation but if any dispute arises over the agreement it should be able to be referred back to her and become binding arbitration on her decision. Otherwise, my lawyer is ready to go to court. It may save me thousands in the long run because my ex just can’t let go.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, desperation, ego, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, promiscuity, Victoria British Columbia, wealthy men

Chicktoria

The population of Victoria, BC, Canada is 80,017. The population of the metropolitan area of Greater Victoria is 344,615 making it the 15th most populous Canadian urban region. Victoria is situated on Vancouver Island, a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Vancouver.

Interestingly, Victoria is dubbed Chicktoria because of the gender imbalance of 4:1 women for every man. The girl to guy ratio and nickname are compiled in the Urban Dictionary and there are articles speculating the causes of the man shortage in Victoria. I have heard it said that the imbalance is as high as 7:1.

The Times Colonist printed an article on October 14, 2012 citing statistics that Victoria’s wealthiest men are the most promiscuous in Canada and even in North America. Victoria men are the most sexually active in Canada with 78% having at least 7 sexual partners a year.

When women are desperate, feeling that above all else they need to have a man for their security–emotional, financial, sexual, status, etc. they selfishly pursue a target. Married men are not off limits to them. When men have so many “opportunities” (the word my husband used), it doesn’t take much for them to dispose of lives that were once important to them to instead chase whatever ego-stroking benefits these determined women satisfy.

By Victoria standards, my husband is a catch. He is employed. He is a very small partner in his company but he never fails to mention that he is a partner to anyone he speaks to and women who know this think he has a lucrative employment future. He has a vehicle. He has vanity so he dresses nicely, spends a lot of time gelling and styling his hair and keeps a salon hair appointment every 4 weeks. He throws money around picking up dinner tabs, buying drinks and tipping. To Victoria women, he conveys wealth. When he moved to Victoria and joined his company, he suddenly became a big fish in a small pond and he subscribed to the idea of his power on the job and as an interest to women.

He admired the way his boss flirted with and treated women and he began emulating that behaviour. He shared daily examples with me of his boss’s outrageousness and always said to me, “I don’t know how he gets away with it.” My girlfriend told me that she and her husband both felt that my husband put off the “I want to fuck you vibe.” He started to go out to more “work functions”. He started to drink a lot, use drugs and had a driving service his work paid for to ensure he didn’t drive under the influence. He was arrogant and self-important. When his grandmother died and he was not consulted about the date of the funeral, he called his uncle to ream him out and made him cry. When I was volunteering at my daughter’s school with another mom who worked in his industry he told me, “make sure you look hot.”

The changes in my husband’s behaviour, mood, absence from our family, increase in his ego became a repulsion to me. It obviously fueled the desires of other women or was it their interest in my husband that caused the behaviour change in him? I never stopped paying attention to my husband and we were having sex up until I found out about his affair but I was taking a stand against his chauvinistic treatment and uncaring attitude toward me and my girls. I was definitely aware that he was putting “work” before us and his attitude that everything else was my responsibility started to cause rifts.

Patti Stranger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire’s Club International Inc. and who stars in and produces The Millionaire Matchmaker reality show visited Victoria. Two of my friends met with her. Her advise to them for meeting a quality man in Victoria: “Get off the island.”

My other single friends started to share stories about men they dated. Finding someone who didn’t smoke, had “a pot to piss in”, and had a job became their ideal. Less than that, the best they could hope for. Some had flat out given up.

Victoria women, have we only perpetuated the problem by settling and accepting men who do not meet our needs in the first place? Do we have such low self-esteem and self-worth that we don’t expect more and so impatient, fearful and lonely we can’t wait for more? Do we latch on to whoever we can and then spend the rest of our relationship looking to trade up?

Any decision to pursue married men and men in committed relationships should never allow you to feel secure in your relationship. It should always be in your subconscious that women like you are just waiting to strike and that you are in a relationship with a weak man. You do have control over your own actions. Let’s chose self-respect and respect for others. Let’s have a higher moral standard for our behaviour and our men’s behaviour. By being the other type of woman you have said to men, “It is okay to screw around; it is okay to go after whatever you want for your own selfish gain.” Why would that type of man ever be satisfied with just you? There is nothing you can do to keep that type of man faithful because you already set the standard that cheating is okay.

Men, how stupid are you? If women are prepared to fool around with you, don’t you think there is a highly probable chance they will fool around on you? There is always someone better than you around the corner–more hair, more money, better teeth, better skin, better athlete, better body, bigger penis, better work ethic, younger/older, blonder, darker, healthier, smarter, wiser, whatever the perceived “better” is, there is better than you.

Everyone reaps what they sow.

Women of Victoria, we are in control. There are more of us than men. All of this poor behaviour of cheating on our partners and cheating with married men allows men to act like dicks. Women should be less concerned about their sensed disadvantage living in Chicktoria and be more concerned about the long-term effect and disadvantage of living in Dicktoria.

Betrayal, infidelity

Early Christmas gift for me!

I was angry at my ex because it was our older daughter’s 17th birthday last Saturday and instead of asking our younger daughter to go for her birthday dinner he invited his girlfriend.

I had contacted my older daughter the Friday before her birthday to see if she wanted to go to the Keg on Sunday for dinner with her sister and me and I added that we will invite daddy to come to. She texted back to say she was already going to the Keg on Sunday with daddy.

I texted my ex to ask why he hadn’t included our younger daughter and he said he didn’t think she would want to go because Janice was going. He subsequently sent our younger daughter an invitation by text saying that Janice was going also but she never even responded to her dad about the invite.

My ex and I were fighting about several other things when I found out that Janice subsequently canceled going to the birthday dinner so I texted my ex the following message:

“Hope your girlfriend didn’t have to cancel because she’s having an affair. Bet you think she’d never do that or are you extra insecure because you know that is exactly what she’d do?”

His response: “??” Then he sent the following: “Have you nothing better to do than harbour feelings like this??”

Today, 2 days after receiving his above message, he texted at 6:04 a.m. “I spent yesterday investigating your claims of infidelity by Janice and it turns out you were right. Not only has she been cheating with one guy there have been several. It sickens me. It makes me realize how much I love and miss you and I’d wish you take me back.”

cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time. Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind. In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up. My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time. He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.” Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth. Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been? I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012. Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary. There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business. He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon. He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable. He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on. That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest. I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me. He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time. I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested. It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”. Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair. We left his Christmas party hand in hand. The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself. He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun. After all, it was his company party. I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister. When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards. The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well. He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011. He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone. He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night. When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg. That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place. The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game. I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare. When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation. He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.” I was dumbfounded and just looked at him. Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work. I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital. His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk. Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself. The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m. He always went alone. Why was he going at a specific time? I never questioned this. My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go. Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys. He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all. On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection. I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom. I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it. On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy. I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me. February 18 he mentions separation. On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home. That shocked me. He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets. I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?” I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me. On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage. He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning. We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning. I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now. He sighed with annoyance. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said, “No, you can hug me.” It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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