adultery, cheating, court, divorce

Carefree versus Careless

I received 3 harassing texts from my ex today all with the same 2-word message. These came under his new email handle, “happyandcarefree”.

I think he is mistaking being carefree with being careless. He may very well be acting like he has no worries, troubles or stress in his life but all of the things he is avoiding will catch up with him. He may feel carefree because he physically left all of his responsibilities except his job behind. However, I continue to receive some of his mail. He hasn’t paid his medical service plan for months, he hasn’t paid our older daughter’s school bill, he owes a bill from an expense on our Cambridge property, he owes income tax and he still hasn’t filed taxes for 2014.

My lawyer is getting ready to file our order in court so my ex will have to appear before a judge to answer for not paying expenses he legally is required to pay me and that he agreed to pay in our mediation. He will also be required to obtain banking information that we suspect will show he failed to disclose money he has hidden in a bank account he failed to list in his prior affidavit.

There is a side to the definition of being carefree as someone who acts irresponsibly. So if it was my ex’s intention of acknowledging himself as being irresponsible in his new handle then perhaps it does fit.

Synonyms for being carefree include lighthearted, joyous, blithe, airy, gleeful, cheery, elated, and happy-go-lucky. Anyone who knows my ex would never describe him using any of those words.

I simply deleted all 3 of his messages without responding. That feels carefree.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, intimidation, lying, threats

Bullshit–If you smell something, say something

John Stewart ended his final hosting of the Daily Show tonight on Comedy Central with a segment on bullshit. He made the above statement. I just so happen to smell bullshit so I am saying something.

When my ex and Janice Andrews were in Ontario with my children, they returned to apparently find Janice’s vehicle vandalized. They reported the incident to Victoria Police. My ex texted my older daughter telling her that the police said that I was the number one suspect because I have an agenda. My older daughter texted my younger daughter saying that a window had been smashed in Janice’s car, it had been spray painted and keyed and that mom did it. My younger daughter told me that she had something funny to tell me. I asked what that was and then she asked me if I vandalized Janice’s car. I told her I did not and when she gave me the details I said that I didn’t think it was funny. She asked me what “agenda” meant and what it meant that the car was “keyed”. She also texted my older daughter back asking what was written on the car. My older daughter texted her back saying, “That is totally mom asking that and you weren’t suppose to tell her.” I never asked that question although I have to say that I am curious.

I explained to my younger daughter what “agenda” meant and I assured her that my only agenda was to make sure that daddy paid us what he agreed to pay in mediation and what he was legally responsible to pay. I told her I would just email my lawyer to handle. She said, “No, you can’t do that because then daddy will know we told you.” He was purposely trying to make me look bad to our children by making a very serious allegation against their mom without considering what that would do to them and how it would make them feel.

I did nothing wondering if it was even true but then the next morning I received a call from Vic PD. I told the constable that my kids already gave me a heads up. I told her that I had no idea what type of vehicle Janice drove or where she lived. The constable said that Janice’s vehicle was parked on my ex’s street, that the window hadn’t been smashed and that it appeared to be a random act of mischief as it was keyed and spray painted. She said that I was not a suspect, there was no evidence against me but because Janice and my ex made the complaint against me she told them she would speak with me.

Later that day I received an email that my ex sent to my lawyer, his lawyer and copied to me. It was filled with false statements and outright lies as well as a list of concerning actions that he was now taking.

This is what he wrote:

“Unfortunately I have to write to you both again with respect to an incident that occurred at my residence.

As you both are aware, I took my kids and girlfriend to Ontario to visit family from July 23 – Aug 2/15. Janice had parked her car in the driveway while we were away. We came home to find the vehicle had been vandalized. The car was spray painted and keyed causing considerable damage. The matter has been reported to Victoria Police and I believe they have been in contact with (my name). (My name) has denied any involvement which was expected, however I’m sure you will agree that it seems somewhat coincidental that the damages occur while we are away. It is also somewhat odd that the perpetrator only targeted her vehicle. There was no other reported incidents of vandalism or damage to others property or vehicles during that time period on the street.

(My name) for the last two and a half years has continued to harass Janice and myself. She was told by her first lawyer to have no contact with Janice, however she immediately left the appointment to confront Janice at her place of employment. She then wrote a letter to her employer asking that she be fired or disciplined. She contacted Janice’s former boyfriend. She has contacted people who work and formerly worked with my company to try and obtain information…(private information) She entered my home knowing full well I was away in Vancouver looking for a binder. She proceeded to search my home and went through my personal papers. This was brought to your attention and she was asked to not come to my home again unless invited. She proceeded to come to my home again.

She has recently come to my place of business, which I remind all, Janice also is a part time employee, to deliver receipts. This despite the fact that I asked her in 5 separate emails/text to not come to my office. I asked that she email her receipts, hand deliver to my home mailbox, or send by regular mail. She ignored my requests and showed up the next day to the office with receipts in hand. Her excuse was she hadn’t unpacked her scanner from moving.

In light of this latest incidence of vandalism, and the fact that (my name) shows a complete disregard for barriers, I have met with my partners this morning and advised them of the above. We are understandably concerned for the safety of our employees as well as our property. As such, (my name) is banned from the premises. She is not to come to the building for any reason whatsoever. All staff have been made aware of this and if (my name) fails to comply and comes to the building she will be asked to leave immediately and the police will be called.

I have also contacted my landlords and made them aware of this latest event. They were already aware of a prior incident a few months ago when (my name) backed out of my driveway and ran over a shrub damaging same. (My name) left the scene, however both my children witnessed the event and texted me to tell me what happened so I wouldn’t be blamed for it. My landlords wanted me to pay for the damage, however given the circumstances they have not pushed forward on this. Because of the damage to their own property and now a car of a guest at the home being damaged, they have said that (my name) is not welcome under any circumstances to come to the home. If she is dropping off or picking up kids, she will have to do so on the street.

(My name) has attempted to justify and use excuses such as no scanner or that I am trying to be difficult etc. The reality is there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to have any contact with me other than by text or email regarding our children. If she has a receipt that she thinks I should review and potentially compensate her, then that is fine, she can send it by email or regular mail. There’s no reason to come to my office to get copies made and hand deliver. And going forward this will not be tolerated.

I am writing this so that this is on the record to all. These types of harassment and bullying behaviours are completely unacceptable. This has been ongoing for more than two and a half years and it needs to stop. If this continues, or (my name) fails to comply going forward, we will take whatever legal means are necessary to obtain restraining orders and ensure she is criminally charged.

I trust my position on these issues is very clear to all.”

My response just summarized briefly:

Car was reported to police as being parked on the street. My ex is trying to make the act look less random and say now that the vehicle was parked in the driveway. My kids never saw Janice’s car at all. My older daughter left the house the next morning before the damage was reported and she never saw Janice’s car.
I have never harassed Janice or my ex.
I attended Janice’s work place a few days after finding out about the affair. I spoke to her for 3 minutes max. I wasn’t physical, violent, threatening, rude or disrespectful. I spoke in my regular voice and I was very calm. I didn’t cause any property damage. I wanted her to see my face and to know I was a real person, that we had real children that she was helping to destroy their family and I wanted to look her in the face and say that. My ex was never a part of a meeting where my lawyer told me to not contact Janice. My ex is trying to portray me as directly disobeying my lawyer and running out of his office and doing exactly what he told me not to do. I have had zero contact with Janice since that one time in over 2 1/2 years.
I never sent a letter to Janice’s work asking that she be fired or disciplined. There will be a record confirming that if we subpoena her employee file.
It was a fluke I contacted Janice’s 12-year common-law husband. My ex is trying to diminish her husband’s role in Janice’s life by calling him a “former boyfriend”. My ex also tried to diminish his role to Janice and maybe himself, too, during the affair where he referred to her husband as her “roommate” in his emails to Janice. Then he forgot about those emails he sent Janice that he knew I read and told me she didn’t have a roommate. He said that he had been to her house several times and no one else lived there. Caught in another lie. I never knew Janice’s husband existed but when he told me who he was I told him who I was. I didn’t know that Janice was cheating on someone too and more than 3 months after I found out about the affair he still didn’t know. She was continuing to live a double life with her spouse. My ex is trying to make it sound like I contacted someone from Janice’s past to stir up trouble and get information.
I have never contacted anyone that my ex used to work with or continues to work with. I know he pulled a subordinate into his office and that he threatened to fire her if she spoke to me. I brought my younger daughter to see her dad one day to drop off fundraising items that her dad was supposed to bring in for her. He was to be back in 10 minutes so we waited in the lobby. One of the secretaries said she would take my daughter around to sell. I waited in the lobby and this lady who I had met only one time when my ex introduced me to her at Starbucks came out and told me what he did. I told her that I knew he was paranoid we had spoke and I showed her my phone text messages saying several times to my ex that we never had. He apparently never spoke to her again. He made her life at work hell. My older daughter told me months later that this lady had a run in with another lady at their work and my ex intervened and said for someone to call the police and to escort her from the premise.
I have only gone to my ex’s home to see our daughter who lives there. I have never been there uninvited and I would never go when he was there. I did go through a large pile of opened and unopened mail that was noticeably addressed to me and my ex together. He had, unbeknownst to me, had all our banking mail redirected to his place. I was shocked to see all the mail in a pile spilling over with my name on it.
I still haven’t come across the box with my printer/scanner and needed to get the receipts to my ex. He still hasn’t paid them and it has been 5 weeks so they are now being handled by my lawyer. This was the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years I attended his office with receipts. I was warmly received and even hugged by one of my ex’s business partners. I was at his office for 5 minutes max and he copied the receipts, gave them back and I left. No scene. No public safety risk. No damage to property.
I did clip a bush backing out of my ex’s long, single, narrow driveway on June 4. My birth mom and both my girls were in the car with me. There was no visible damage. It made a loud scraping sound against my car though. On July 13 my older daughter was at my house and received a Facebook message from her dad. He was away and left his vehicle with my daughter. He messaged her saying he was just contacted by his landlord saying that they watched our daughter back out of the driveway and had some concern. They didn’t want her to get in trouble by her dad but just wanted to notify him to ask her to be careful because they thought a guest might have hit their bush but realized it was her. My girls and I were laughing about this. I told my daughter to tell her dad it was me. She said she was going to. She never said I already told him when it happened. I don’t know if I did do any damage to the bush or if my ex, my daughter or anyone visiting them may have clipped the bush, too, but if my ex was asked to pay for damage and he knew I may have caused it he would be going after me for sure. Because of the kindness of their landlord in their fear my daughter might get into trouble from her dad, I doubt they ever asked my ex to pay for damages as he claims. Sounds like they never thought he did it. If a vehicle was vandalized in their driveway they would have seen it and reported it to my ex or the police when he was away. It doesn’t even make sense “that given the circumstances they haven’t pushed forward on that.” I doubt they ever asked for anything. He said it was “months ago” I did this. If my kids had have texted him at the time he would have known when it happened. If they asked him months ago to pay for damage he wouldn’t say that they haven’t pushed forward on it because of an incident he just reported.

My ex is maliciously making false statements about me and spreading this to the police, public, our children and legal counselors to try to threaten, intimidate and bully me into doing what he wants. He continues to need to control where I go, who I talk to, and what I do. He has the audacity after all of this to send me an email the next day with a casual request for me to find documents for him from 2008 for his income tax return.

Until this is handled and remedied, I will have no contact with him for anything for my own protection. I have advised my lawyer and the police of his lies of which we now have written proof.

adultery, affair, British Columbia, cheating, divorce, ex spouse, Family Law, legal system, separation agreement

Consent Order

I have given my lawyer all the receipts that my ex has failed to reimburse. Given the difficulties that I am experiencing with respect to reimbursement she has advised that an enforceable court order is required. I am only asking for reimbursement of items that we agreed to in mediation. I sent him an email today to confirm his position. This was his response:

“There is no failure to honour our agreement? I chose to pay those expenses you had incurred at mediation to resolve the issue. There was no agreement that going forward those expenses would be reimbursed. You receive spousal support and within that you have to make due with whatever expenses you choose to incur. You claim to the girls you have no money but yet you’re going away this upcoming weekend?? Maybe you should focus your efforts on unpacking boxes and getting your new home in order rather than emailing me incessantly. Move on with your life and stop trying to get me to pay every little thing here and there. I have never asked you to contribute to anything but you are always asking me to pay for some little thing here and there. I pay my support on time and in full. You say you want nothing to do with me, so please don’t. Stop contacting me. If there is something that was a legitimate expense, then email or regular mail it. You don’t have to see me or drop off things to me. There’s no reason other than something to do with our kids that you need to have any contact with me.”

My ex’s lawyer is away on vacation for 2 weeks. He is aware this is how we are proceeding. He told my lawyer that if I proceed to get a court order then my ex will request a restraining order against me from attending his work. We are fine with this. The only reason I have ever attended his work (twice in the last 2 1/2 years) is to drop off expenses. The first time I attended his office with receipts my scanner wasn’t working and this most recent time my scanner is still packed in a box somewhere. Regardless of him receiving receipts, he isn’t paying.

We will write my ex’s lawyer our position in 2 weeks upon his return from vacation. Failing a response that my ex agrees to give a Consent Order, we are immediately filing an application in court.

I just reviewed the mediation agreement and it is very clear that pet expenses were not an “interim expense pending the sale of the house” as some things in our mediation agreement were written up under this category. Even my ex’s lawyer, when he wrote up the good copy of the separation agreement based on the mediation agreement, wrote up a 50/50 split of pet expenses. My lawyer indicates that pets are treated like children in family law.

We are applying to have the anticipated future expenses added on to the spousal/child support payments so I don’t have to finance my ex’s share or chase him down for reimbursement. I can then provide the order to Family Maintenance and they will collect the monthly amount from my ex and provide it to me. They do the chasing down and they have procedures in place to enforce payment. It gives me an even further distance from my ex as I don’t even have to get a monthly etransfer notice from him. The sum is directly deposited into my account by Family Maintenance.

The order is also to ensure we get full disclosure from my ex. He still hasn’t provided his 2014 tax return. Therefore, the spousal and child support amounts are inaccurate. His lawyer promised it in June and is now promising it again in August. Filing tax returns in Canada is considered late and penalties are imposed if your return is not filed by April 30. Avoiding, delaying and refusing has been the same old pattern we have experienced for the past 2 years. They are also refusing to provide my ex’s banking information saying it is not relevant when in fact we have a very legitimate reason for requesting it. There are transactions that don’t make sense so it appears he has failed to disclose at least one account. As per the mediation rules, if he failed to disclose, that money is automatically awarded to me.

After my ex sent me the quoted email above he sent me a further email today.

“Oh by the way i bought (younger daughter’s name) some sandals today that cost $125 which i expect you to reimburse me for. You can do an etransfer for me.”

adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation. He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife. I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain. The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did. They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents. The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her. I know my kids are not happy about it. But I know everyone will pretend. This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning. As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following: “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked. He never did get me that information. Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids. I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too. He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates. I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID. My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me. No cheque, no certificates.”

His response: “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response: “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates. This is true. I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case. My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer. I don’t have any of his documents. I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire. I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport. I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport. I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done. I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children. I handled every detail with respect to our trips. He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite. Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates. I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly. I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad. I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late. He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him. I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words. My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it. I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me. It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, family, friends, God, support, vacation

Family Vacation

A week after discovering my husband’s affair, I still went on our booked March break family vacation.

It was supposed to be my husband, me and our 2 girls visiting his parents in Englewood, Florida for 2 weeks and then heading up to Orlando to Disney World and Universal Studios for week number three. I was traveling with our youngest daughter for the first week and my husband and our older daughter were joining us for the last 2 weeks. My younger daughter and I were going to visit my birth mom, step father, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nieces in Naples during our first week.

As soon as my husband learned we discovered his affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” My older daughter’s best friend ending up taking my ex’s place.

It turned out to be one the best vacations we ever experienced. We had so much fun. We did some crazy girl things we would never have done with my ex present. After the devastation my ex had just caused us we were more caring of each other, more open, honest, kinder and closer.

I felt like God was there all the way sending me little reminders of his love through friends, family, random incidents, my girls and their friend as well as my older daughter’s friend’s dad who came down and surprised us (he’s a pilot) treating us to an amazing dinner in Downtown Disney.

We also met an amazing man in the hot tub who was so kind and wonderful to all of us. He invited us to attend events with him that we wouldn’t have known about otherwise. He took my camera and snapped random shots of me and my girls. My younger daughter was always asking to go to the pool at 9:00 p.m. for our regular rendezvous with him and watched the gate eagerly for him to arrive. The pool caretakers allowed him to stay in the pool area after hours and to close up when he was done so it was midnight sometimes when we returned home (with our time change it was only 9:00 p.m.). He bought lanterns for all of us one night that we lit and wished on and released to the sky. He introduced us to his friends and we had great little parties. He made me feel desirable (although I did not attend his private invites I certainly considered it and my older daughter encouraged me to go!) We would talk for at least 2 hours every night and he gave a lot of attention to my kids. He kissed me (my daughter’s friend saw that one) and told me he thought I was the most amazing women and mother.

I also had so much support from my best friends from Ontario and it was a blessing to be able to get the support of my family and even in-laws in person at this life-changing point. It turned out that one of my best friends who just moved to Sarasota was only a 15 minute drive from my in-laws place. We talked on the phone daily and we visited often over the 2 weeks. My other girlfriend from Ontario flew down to support me and brought her daughter to be there for my daughter. My other best friend, who I have known literally all my life, changed her family vacation plans and drove completely out of their way with her husband and 3 kids just to give me a hug. My mother-in-law shared with me about my father-in-law’s infidelity and she told me how much she felt my pain. She assured me she knew exactly what I was experiencing.

If this vacation had not been planned before discovering the affair I wouldn’t have gone. It involved a lot of driving and one parent with 3 children had it’s challenges but I would not go back and change a thing.

I have since taken my children on several other mini trips and experiences. My ex was never really interested in travelling or doing anything new. It was always me that planned our trips and they were very detailed in nature. I made sure there were great experiences for everyone.

Now my younger daughter is enjoying what is becoming our annual camping trip. It is simple–a tiny cabin with bunk beds. She and her friend sleep on top and I am on the bottom. There is a table and 2 chairs, a mini fridge and microwave and a portable electric double burner that I can cook on. The girls are happy to help out cooking, doing the dishes, sweeping out the cabin and setting and clearing the picnic table where we eat. We do a mix of nothing and lots of things including visiting friends who are vacationing in the same camp park or close by, going to a lake for the day, the ocean for a day, mini golf, driving range, outdoor movie in a close by city, local events like sand sculpture competitions, movies in a friend’s trailer, movies outside our cabin, swimming in the watering hole, water slide, playground, shopping in a nearby town, and going for ice cream. My older daughter stays home now and gets paid to look after the pets and housesit plus she has 2 other jobs this summer.

Our expensive, flying vacations may be finished due to my financial situation but I like what we are doing equally as much. Time together building memories with some new experiences is what our family vacation has always been about. It is a core value to me and I will ensure our adventures together continue.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, lying, marriage, psychology

Monster in My Family

I saw an interview tonight on 20/20 with Melissa Moore. Her dad is serial killer, Keith Jesperson.

She was talking about his duplicitous life and trying to reconcile her experience with him as a loving father to one of a sociopath that killed 8 women. Looking back she realized there were signs of his cruel and uncaring nature (he killed 3 kittens she found and took pleasure in her grief over the situation) and she recalled the confessions he made to her that she didn’t realize at the time were true of how to get away with murder (thought he was reading detective magazines and fantasizing). Today she has no contact with him because of the disturbing nature of his letters.

Her father was involved in the interview. What hit me most about his nonchalant way of describing what he had done was his need to have the interviewer “move on”. He did what he did, wished he didn’t, wished he could make things “peaches and cream” but can’t change things so “move on”. This has been the catch phrase of my ex in every email to me over the past 2 1/2 years.

Keith Jesperson is so narcissistic that he confessed to the murders because he wasn’t getting any attention or credit for killing. 2 other people were wrongly convicted for his first murder. He wrote a confession on a bathroom wall saying he did it and when that didn’t elicit him any attention he started writing letters about the murders to media.

Keith Jesperson is psychopathic more than sociopathic but a lot of the traits are similar. I have had 3 friends who know my ex tell me, very seriously, they think my ex is a sociopath.

According to R. Preston McAfee, the Profile of the Sociopath is:

“•Glibness and Superficial Charm
•Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
•Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
•Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
•Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
•Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
•Incapacity for Love
•Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
•Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
•Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
•Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
•Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
•Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
•Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
•Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:
1.Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
2.Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
3.Authoritarian
4.Secretive
5.Paranoid
6.Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
7.Conventional appearance
8.Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
9.Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
10.Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
11.Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
12.Incapable of real human attachment to another
13.Unable to feel remorse or guilt
14.Extreme narcissism and grandiose
15.May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)”

On the HealthGuidance website it details characteristic qualities of a sociopath further as follows:

“• Lack of empathy – Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions
• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain
• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love
• Narcissism – A personality disorder in itself in which the individual feels strong love and admiration toward themselves (often a defense mechanism against deep seated low esteem)
• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions. A sociopath might see themselves as a fitting ruler of a country or even the world, but might also have delusional beliefs such as seeing themselves as a God or having super powers
• Charming – While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capable but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first
• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan
• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse
• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning
• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires
• Sensitive to criticism – That said, like all narcissists, the sociopath will desire the approval of others and will be highly sensitive to criticisms. They often feel they deserve adulation and admiration of the world and might feel victimized
• Paranoid – Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruous self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia
• Despotic/Authoritarian – Often the sociopath will see themselves as a necessary authority and will be in favor or totalitarian rule
• Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power, or to move to another area so that their behavior is tolerated
• Low tolerance for boredom – Sociopaths require constant stimulation and get quickly bored
• Impulsive behavior – A lack of regret and empathy means makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts
• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down
• The MacDonald Triad – In childhood sociopaths will likely have demonstrated the ‘MacDonald Triad’ also known as the ‘Triad of Sociopathy’, traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. These include animal cruelty (pulling the wings off of flies etc, bed wetting, and pyromania (an obsession with fire setting)).

Sociopaths of course vary in their symptoms and might act differently in different cases. However their main trait is presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions.”

Without a shadow of a doubt, my ex is a sociopath. He fits all of these definitions. When I read every definition I have an example of what he did in our life together or stories from his parents and friends of how he acted as a child/teen that fits every trait. It is because of my history with my ex over 23 years that made it clear to me as soon as I found out about the affair and his reaction to me finding out that there was only one decision to make–file for divorce.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, children, Christianity, difficult personality, divorce, emails, family, God, legal obligations, lies

Bad Blood (band-aids don’t fix bullet holes) but who isn’t moving on ?

It is very interesting to me that my ex insists that I am not able to move on and that I am not happy. I am not sure if he really believes that or if it is wishful thinking on his part. It might be his way of trying to control my mind by telling me it isn’t true. It may just be him using this as an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do and to criticize my behaviour.

Alternatively, it may be that he is the one who really can’t move on. He seems to really need for me to forget that he committed adultery. He wants to sweep the resulting consequences under the rug and pretend like our lives are clean and neat. He chooses to punish me because he is having difficulty accepting his legal obligations, especially financially, that are going to continue to exist to me and our children, despite him so desperately wanting to run from us and pretend we don’t exist. No evidence of past life wanted! We are still tied to him financially but that doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on with our individual lives. We are moving forward, just on different paths.

The resulting email chain started with me just trying to get him to pay me for expenses he owes me. It went from business to ugliness fast. I was hoping that he would finally give up fighting me, pay what he is required to pay not only from our mediation agreement and separation agreement (very close to being finalized) but what he knows is his responsibility to pay. If he really has moved on there would be no need for him to fight me and try to control all of my actions. He would not need to “win” and punish me. He would just accept and do.

My frustration came out when he was trying to thwart my efforts to get expenses to him for reimbursement. Then he started to criticize me with my move and not going to my daughter’s grad dinner. He sent me an email saying: “No, you couldn’t go because you completely screwed up the move. I have been gone for 2 1/2yrs. You knew the house was selling since November and it had been formally sold for 2 ½ months. You had tons of time and help and as usual you left it too late. If you wanted assistance you could have asked. In the end all (our oldest daughter’s name) will remember is her mom refused to go. Pretty sad.”

I had lots of assistance, as he is aware (not sure how he knows but he mentions it) but as per my previous post there were glitches, complications and the movers didn’t plan ahead for how much manpower was required to move me. It had nothing to do with my preparation or lack thereof. I couldn’t move any earlier. But as usual my ex wants to blame me for everything. I did ask him for help but he refused. He has always refused every single request I have made to him since we separated. He made a conscious decision to leave everything for me to do.

My response: “(oldest daughter’s name) will also remember that her dad is a cheating louse and all the things that he did and failed to do after she suspected him, before she caught him, and then after she did catch him. She will always know that her dad is a liar and cheat and continues to put his own needs over his kids’ needs. We all have our memories, (husband’s name). I choose to live in the present not the past or the future.

His response: “Oh I suspect the only one who carries that memory is you. All others have forgiven and moved on. You clearly have not by the things you continue to write and say. Someone who lives in the present wouldn’t be emailing her ex to bring up the past…..just saying…”

I can’t win. I wasn’t emailing to bring up the past. I was just making a point that we can’t control people’s memories. The night of my daughter’s grad ceremony, that I did attend, my daughter was reading the card that my younger daughter and I gave her. She commented that my younger daughter made a spelling mistake. She mentioned remembering winning a spelling bee when she was in Grade 3 and she said she remembered that I was there. I have been at everything my daughter participated in throughout her school years. I missed her grad dinner yet I still showed up as grubby as can be in my sweaty moving clothes so I could see her. Maybe that is what she will remember. Mom still made the biggest effort to be there when circumstances were preventing it from happening.

In the meantime, there is a parallel conversation going on with my ex that should have been all business. It relates to expenses I have paid on our behalf. Since my move I still haven’t found the box with my printer/scanner. I had receipts to send my ex and asked if he was in the office on Thursday so I could drop them off and so he could photocopy them and give me back the originals. Records for both of us. I have only had to go to his office once before to do this when my scanner wasn’t working.

His response: “I have a busy day. Drop them in my mail box at my place and I’ll copy them.”

My response: “No, because if they go missing I don’t have any extra receipt. I’ll take them to your office and the receptionist can copy them and leave them for you.”

His response: “NO. You don’t need to come to my office. I’ve told you before and I’ll repeat it. You are not to come here unless I ask. Otherwise my work is off limits to you. Drop in my mailbox or find another way.

My response: “Then you can pay me based on my word and then come and see the bills for confirmation if you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you? I told you why I won’t leave the originals. I know you. You will say you never received them and say you can’t pay me then and since I don’t have a copy I won’t be able to prove the amount to you. I told you my printer/scanner/copier is still packed away. Do you think I would want to come to your office? Do you think that is something that is even remotely comfortable for me to do? If you say I can only come when you ask then obviously there is no big deal if I come and you are just trying to control me for no reason. If you need the bill then I have every right to get you the bill so I know you receive it so you stop having excuses to not pay me. Last time you complained to the lawyers that I went to your house and I am not using (our daughter) as a go between. (Our daughter) should have the original alteration bill anyway. She picked up the dress. Did you not take her to do this?

His response: (My name) it’s not my responsibility to substantiate your expenses. (Our daughter) doesn’t have a copy of the receipt and I didn’t take her to get her dress. If you want to get paid you need to find a way to send me a copy of the receipt without coming into my office. I frankly could care less how you feel about coming here. You’re not welcome here so that is not an option for you. You have boundary issues. Always have. I respected your request for me not to enter the family home and you need to respect my wishes and not enter my home or place of employment unless I ask you too. You can go online and obtain a copy of your statement showing that payment. It’s not a difficult procedure and you can then email it to me.”

My response: “Who cares if I am welcome or not at your office. You are trying to make it difficult for me to get you the information. That is the easiest, fastest and most reliable way. If you don’t want to set a time to meet me outside so you can photocopy the receipt and give it back to me then I will leave it with your receptionist to do so. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. The only boundary issues that were an issue was you coming into the (street name) residence when no one else was in the house. At least there are witnesses at your office to support that all I am doing is dropping off expense documentation that you won’t pay otherwise. I can get someone else to go in instead of me if that will help solve the problem of me being there. People will just think the person is an insured leaving you expenses. Will that work?”

His response: “Do you have difficulty understanding my emails? You, your friends etc are not welcome here. Copy and paste your statement and email it. That is the quickest and easiest method. Stop wasting my time with these emails. You’ve been asked several times in the past not to come here so don’t. It’s a $65 invoice. I’m sure you can wait until you can copy and give to (younger daughter’s name) or deliver to my home mailbox. This isn’t a rush by any stretch of the imagination so stop.”

My response: Firstly, under no circumstance are we to give our girls items to be passed back and forth to each other. That puts them in an awkward position and is unfair and wrong. Stop putting our girls in the middle. I am not providing you with my entire bank statement. It was a credit card bill and I don’t receive those on line. The other expense was someone else picking them up on our behalf and paying with their credit card bill. They installed them and I paid them cash. There is also a fee for them to pick up and install that I forgot until right now so thank you for reminding me. I will make sure I get an invoice from them for that so you can pay your share of the $50 since you didn’t want to be responsible for ensuring any of the conditions to the home were met with any effort on your part. I get a paper copy of my credit card statements and I don’t have it yet for the grad dress and can’t copy it anyway. What are you not understanding? I am not delivering anything to you without a copy because you are untrustworthy. Stop trying to do what you can to make sure you don’t get the receipts. If you are that concerned that I or an independent body will show up at your office to get a copy of a receipt and leave it with you then pay the $65 and your share of the $83 for the smoke detectors as well as $25 for the pick up and install service fee and don’t waste more time for either of us. It may not be a big deal to you but you are not the one financing my expenses. Also, I have pet expenses to give you.”

His Response: “I gave you an option. If you don’t like it then use the options I’ve provided. If you or a representative for you comes to my office I will discuss it with your lawyer and consider a restraining order. This email exchange is very clear. You or anyone on your behalf is not to come here end of story. You can email, use regular mail. Those are your options.”

My response: “Go ahead and try to get a restraining order. I am getting you the receipts the best way that I can. I am not at your office to stalk you, harass you or to carry out any type of violence. I have even proposed someone else attending instead of me. You can’t restrain every single person who knows me from entering your office. You are acting unreasonably. You are bullying me, trying to control me and prevent me from getting you the information you need to pay me. I told you that I have no interest of going there as well and if you want to arrange a time to meet me outside we can if you need copies, otherwise, you can come to my place and view the receipts but this needs to be arranged sooner than later because I need the money.”

I attended his office. One of his partners was standing outside when I arrived. He hugged me and we had a lovely conversation. I said that I was just there to drop off something for (ex’s name) and was he in? He said that he didn’t know as he had just come back and was going to grab a bite to eat. I said it was nice to see him and went inside. I was greeted warmly by my ex’s receptionist. I asked if my ex was in and she wasn’t sure but went to check. My ex came out and whispered he wasn’t going to copy anything. I asked if he wanted me to do it or if he wanted me to ask the receptionist to do it. The receptionist returned to her desk and my ex took all the receipts and copied them.

It has been more than 1 week and I still haven’t received any reimbursement. The invoices total $197.95.

This is how it ends:

Me. “Your emails are really pissing me off. I think of you as little as possible. I don’t forgive you and never will. I want nothing to do with you ever. I can’t even stand to look at your face when I see you and you may not notice but I don’t look at you. There is nothing good about you. I have no memories of you I want to keep or care to even think about. It was all just a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Every time you spew some of your hatred like I screwed up the move or want to push me down by saying something about (my birth mom’s name) and me or whoever and me and saying I haven’t changed I wonder why you can’t just leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up. You’re the one who hasn’t moved on. You can’t stop bullying me. I don’t know what your motive is to be involved in my life in anyway but you are not invited. Keep whatever ugliness you have in your heart inside and don’t talk to me about it, text me about it or email me about it, ever. It has nothing to do with you but you want to get involved and offer some mean and negative opinion and I have no idea why except that your heart is just full of evil and needs to spin it constantly. It just reminds me how much I despise you and how lucky I am to not have to have you as part of my life. I could not care less if you live or if you die. Nothing about you matters to me. I feel this way about no one else in the world except you. I suspect that will some how excite you and make you think that you are some how special. Fill your boots but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.”

My ex: ” Doesn’t sound very Christian like as you claim to be. Anyways the solution is quite easy if my emails piss you off. Stop contacting me. That includes not coming to my home and place of employment. Stop making excuses for coming to see me. Spin it whatever way you want, there’s no reason you had to deliver those receipts. So make it easier on the both of us and discontinue contacting me. ”

Me: “You are fucking hilarious. I am spinning it? You think I want to come and see you? Do you think I was hoping you were in the office? It made zero difference to me if you were there or if you weren’t otherwise I would have called first, I would have worn makeup and I would have dressed nicer than my 10 year old work clothes. Not interested in seeing you, could care less if you see me or what you think of me. Hence my need to tell you to shut the fuck up about anything you feel the need to say to me. I don’t care. Don’t waste your energy thinking about me at all.

It is all about the money and what you owe me and you know dropping off the receipts is the only way right now I could ensure you received a copy of what you owed. So narcissistic of you. Get a grip buddy. You will be contacted by me only when necessary and if it has to be in person, it will be in person. Today, sadly for you, it is only my email you get. Here it is:

Please issue me an e-transfer as per the receipts I gave you in person on Friday. The full amount for (our daughter’s name) grad dress alterations–$65. 50% of the dumping fee to get the house ready to sell–$126.50 (your share is $63.25); 50% of the cat food, cat litter and dog food expenses ($40.87 + $13.43 + $85.10). Your share of the pets is $69.70. The total amount of the e-transfer should be $197.95.

My ex: “Another email from the person who claims they want nothing to do with me yet continues to contact me to tell me how happy she is and has moved on?? Really?? Your constant rants about me would suggest otherwise. You have no reason to come to my office. Pay to copy the items you are wishing reimbursement and either drop off copies at my home address in the mail box, send it by regular mail or email. So that it’s clear, and apparently it’s not since I asked you 5 times last week to not come to my office. DO NOT COME TO MY OFFICE AGAIN unless I choose to extend an invite to you. You are not welcome here and if you chose to do this again, I will escort you right back out the door.”

Me: “More threats from you–yawn. The best way to solve this issue is to pay me based on what I tell you and you can review the receipts at a later date in time convenient to both of us. Try to be mature and take grown up actions. If I’m not welcome at your office, why would you extend an invitation to me? Do you think I’ll be watching the mail for an invite? Have I ever gone to anything you’ve invited me to attend with you in the last 2 plus years?

If it makes you happy to think I am not happy and I haven’t moved on think away. If you want to think you have the biggest cock out there, are the best lover, that I can’t have an orgasm or enjoy sex with anyone else, that you make the most money, are the kindness, nicest, gentlest man, are wiser, more intelligent than any other I could possibly be with, are more educated, funnier, wittier than anyone else in my life right now, are better looking, more athletic, more generous, better to my children than anyone else could possibly be, think, think, think, away. You left in the first place because your thinking was all wrong so why would you change it now? Think what you want but keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t want you in my life in anyway so I don’t need or want to hear what you think about me, my life or anything else for that matter.”

Me Ex: “Like I’ve repeated in the past, your actions, words etc speak volumes to the bitterness and anger that you have pent up inside. Your repeated actions of entering my home and place of employment despite requests not to do so reveals your true character. You have no boundaries. You don’t respect anyone or their wishes. You’ve been asked by 3 lawyers and who knows how many counselors and yet you continue to defy their advice, requests admonishing to be mature and not have contact.

Believe me I would love for you to move on. Have wanted that for a very long time. Have expressed this many a time to you. You simply can’t let it go. Look at the silliness of the things you write below? Listen to the way and how you speak. You’re still calling me names every chance you get. Unprovoked you have to stand at the top of a mountain and yell out the things you do and then say how happy you are? Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. If your happy that’s great, I’m happy for you. You don’t need to tell me that. If you’re truly happy, everyone will see that. If you have to tell people you’re happy then clearly you’re not.

You seem to think that you can say how happy you are, yet at the same time call me names, put me down, write things about me that are false. Is that the works of a happy person? You come across as such a hypocrite. Claiming to love God and have God in your life and yet you speak the way you do? I think God would be ashamed of you, because you are not exhibiting any signs of a person who has a relationship with God. Do you follow any of the teachings of the God you claim to follow?”

My final remarks: I was done sending any more emails after that. There is no point trying to argue with him against his lies and half truths and it is pointless to try to defend my relationship with God. It is just another way of him trying to make me feel bad. He is always trying to put me on the defensive and I am done.

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and I certainly understand why. It tears everyone apart. When God brings two people together and a vow is made to him by both parties and to each other to be faithful, to love, honour, etc. how must God feel when one of those people who made that vow suddenly throws everything he was given back in God’s face and acts like it wasn’t good enough, that God doesn’t know what is best. God may feel even worse than I felt because his love is way deeper than how we are capable of loving. The ingratitude he must feel for everything he gave us and did for us. When we are in sin and try to do things our way this is what happens. When we act ungodly chaos ensues and it is devastating on every level. No one should be surprised at the results. Satan is the accuser and it should be no surprise my ex is accusing me of everything he can throw at me.

In response to the rest of his email I do have anger and bitterness around the way my ex continues to treat me, not because of the affair. The frustration that leads me to act out verbally surrounds his continued need to try and control me, making me jump through hoops, bullying me and not following through with his legal responsibilities. I don’t keep it pent up inside as he claims. I speak it, release it and take action to deal with his attempts to treat me unfairly especially in the area of finances. He is clinging very hard to control the financial aspect of my life as that is all that is left between us. Our older daughter is the other area that he tries to use to manipulate me.

It is so interesting that he calls my actions “silliness” and says that I can’t let go. It costs us both time, energy and money every time he does this and lawyers get involved. My solution now is that I won’t pay for anything for my older daughter that my ex is to reimburse because I don’t need the aggravation and I can’t afford it. I will have to go back to my lawyer to get her to collect what is owed through Dave’s lawyer and to go back to the mediator/arbitrator and get her to rewrite her wording regarding my ex’s requirement to pay 50% of the pet expenses. I will ask for him to be required to pay me within 5 days or he will have to incur interest payment to me. A penalty may help with compliance.

I don’t respect my ex at all for his continued behaviour. There is no one else that I am disrespecting. He has never been privy to any conversations between me and my counselors or my lawyer and none of them have told me to not contact him. You reader and my friends have advised me of this but one would expect us to be able to work together for the common good of our children and being able to deal with matters without legal involvement. He never went to counseling to help him to be able to do this and he would not participate with me and the girls to learn how to do this. He hasn’t been able to do it on his own. I really wonder if these are facts in his mind. There is a disconnect of how he processes and understands information and he lacks insight. I have never written anything to him or anyone else about him that is false. I wonder what people say to him that makes him think this. I don’t think we talk to the same people anymore so he is probably going back to when the affair was first discovered. He did try to make a big deal to his lawyer about me going to his house to see my daughter on 2 occasions but my lawyer said nothing about it. Again, he was trying to make an issue out of nothing to distract from real issues he wanted to avoid. I haven’t been back to his house because it isn’t worth it but it is my older daughter who loses because of his accusations and it is so odd that he gave me going to his house as an option to get him receipts when even in these email rants he tells me not to go to his house.

My ex is untrustworthy on every level and proves it over and over again so I cannot trust what he says even in his tirades. If he had really moved on he would accept it and take responsibility for what he owes. He would accommodate me to get him receipts and pay in a timely fashion instead of hanging on for dear life and fighting it.

If he didn’t provoke me there would be no need for a chain of nasty emails. Although my ex feels like I am yelling from a mountaintop he isn’t hearing me. I tried to turn up the volume in my last emails but still nothing. For the most part I keep my cool and handle or get my lawyer to handle but I would think the time is here when enough is enough. If he really wants me to move on then he needs to let me move on by dealing with our current situation in a business-like manner. He needs to move on himself in order to be able to achieve this state.

Uncategorized

My New Residence

I am comfortable in my new place.

I am renting out an upstairs suite in a house. My suite consists of 3 large, bright rooms, a large bathroom and a brand new kitchen. There is plush carpet throughout. It has a large back deck which is half covered and half open. It is situated on a treed lot providing lots of shade. I let my dog out in the backyard on a chain as the yard is not completely fenced or separated from my landlord’s area. He is becoming more comfortable with that routine. There is more of a need to walk him daily though which is also good for me.

My bedroom is at the front of the house. I have my queen size bed with a night stand on both sides of the bed on one wall. I have my parent’s cedar chest at the foot of my bed. I have a stand up chest dresser with a t.v. on it and a longer dresser with a mirror on the other wall. I have 2 chairs and a table in my front window. I have a double closet and against the same wall as the closet stands my tall jewel box. My dog’s bed is beside my bed.

The hallway is open and is able to hold a wardrobe outside my bedroom door across from the spacious linen closet. My china cabinet also fits in the hallway as it is wide and one spot has almost a little foyer area.

The bathroom has a very long countertop with only one sink but has plenty of drawer space for both me and my daughter, good lighting and a large mirror. It is clean, updated and has a large window and laminate flooring. The tub/shower is very long and has a shower curtain so we no longer have to battle to clean shower doors.

Beside the bathroom is our family room. It is very large. The closet holds the stacked washer and dryer on one side. On the other side I have put 2 cat litter boxes. I can still use the rest of the closet to hold cleaning supplies and other storage items. The family room holds my couch, love seat and chair; big screen t.v.; computer desk and computer; book shelf and drawer combination cabinet; the china cabinet that was in my dining room at my previous house and a large jam cupboard where we stored games previously. It has my coffee table and a couple of end tables.

My daughter has the biggest bedroom she has ever had. She has her double bed in it against one wall and her nightstand. Against the other wall is a long dresser and mirror that was in her sister’s room as well as the matching chest dresser to the set that she did have in her bedroom before our move. I brought her sister’s single bed with us so when she comes back from university she has a place to sleep when she visits.

I never lock the door except for when my daughter is in the house and we are going to bed. If my daughter isn’t home I sleep with the door unlocked and just pull the screen across to keep out the bugs and let in the breeze. I sleep very soundly and peacefully.

It is a great neighbourhood consisting of 2 courts. They have a General Neighbourhood Meeting Association and I have already been invited to their summer street BBQ in August. I have a previous relationship with 3 families on the street and have met several other neighbours. I’ve been to dinner at my one neighbours house already and my daughter is looking after their cats this week while they are on holiday. My landlady regularly invites me for coffee. Everyone has been so friendly and welcoming. I recognized the woman who lives on the other side of my house and she said the same to me. We couldn’t figure it out until both of our daughters told us separately that they used to dance together. My daughter goes to school with several of the children on the street and will ride the school bus with them in September.

Still unpacking, but it is the summer and as much as I want to get organized, I spend everyday doing something for me, something for my daughter, and something for someone else.

abuse, adultery, affair, divorce

Day 2 of the Move, Glitches and Goodness

A few days before my move, I had a huge pile of items at the end of my driveway to be picked up for donation. My neighbour had requested to take and sell everything in the retail store where he volunteers for the SPCA (The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). They came around 4:00 p.m. on Tuesday, June 23, but said their truck was full and would come back to get the items in the evening. They never returned. I called my neighbour the next morning and he said his wife was on her way to my place. I helped her load her van and she said she would be back for the rest. Her husband called me shortly after saying their warehouse was full and couldn’t take anything further. I was left scrambling. I called a couple of other organizations but it was too late to get a truck to come and pick up everything.

My 62-year old girlfriend came over to help with last minute items. She normally drives a tiny antique vehicle but foresight had her drive her pick up truck instead and she brought a flat dolly. We decided to work for a couple of hours around my house until my daughter got home from school. Then we loaded her truck full to take to the Salvation Army. They informed us they didn’t accept donations past 4:00 p.m. They did us a favour and took some things but it was a common complaint that they didn’t have enough storage for all the donated items and were spending too much money to dump what didn’t sell. We dropped other items in some donation boxes along the way but returned to my home with still a lot of things plus what remained at the foot of my driveway. Furniture and a large commercial steel clothing rack included.

Another neighbour, who came by several times to see if I had found my 6-man tent to sell, came by again. I told Kevin that if he would take everything at the end of my driveway away in his truck I would go into my garage right now and find the tent and he could have it for free. He agreed! I found the tent and helped him load everything into his truck. It was a huge job and I was so grateful. It was also a wasted day pulling me away from what I had planned and I started to panic as I had the movers coming the next morning.

The moving company was supposed to come to my place in advance to estimate the time, manpower required, vehicles needed and cost to move me. They cancelled twice and called the day before to just say they would arrive at 8:30 for the move. They had estimated 5 hours. 2 young guys showed up with a small trailer.

Complicating the move was my new place. It had 23 stairs to climb to enter through the front. The back entrance had a 9% grade climb and another 6 steps up with railings on both sides leading to a back deck. There was also a heat wave.

My new landlord feared the deck was going to collapse with the weight of all the boxes and furniture the movers placed on it.

Towards the end of the first day the owner came with 2 more men to help but it became apparent at the end of Day 1 that my move was going to continue into the next day. The problem was that this is the busiest move time of the year and their movers and trailers were already booked.

The movers didn’t show up until noon the next day and the owner came back with them. The goal was just to get my stuff out of the house before 5:00 p.m., closing time. My girlfriend arrived to help with her truck and horse trailer and we started to pile things in ourselves. We had initially planned to take these items to consignment and auction but with the heat of the day and now the need to just move everything off the property I purchased a storage locker. My girlfriends took everything to the storage locker but misread the lettering on the building. They pulled up to the wrong building and unloaded everything before realizing they were in the wrong location. They had to reload the trailer, move to the correct location and then unload again putting everything in the storage locker. My movers went to help them.

Two dance moms and 2 of my neighbour friends showed up to help move my stuff out and to clean up each room as the items left. One of the dance moms called her dad to come over with his pick up truck to haul away all the garbage. He loves red wine and I had just put 12 bottles that my ex had left behind into recycle liquor bags that had the bottle slots in them. I handed them over to him as a thank you. He said it was too generous, more than enough payment, and he was very happy to help me.

My friends emptied the contents of my fridge (one friend took everything over and put it in my new fridge). I let everyone take whatever they wanted in the way of food, alcohol, and contents.

My lawyer contacted me to say that the funds from the buyers hadn’t been transferred in time to make the payout of our mortgage to the bank so now we were going to incur 3 days of interest.

Even though the new owners told me directly they weren’t moving in the day of the close but instead were staying at a hotel and moving in the next morning, they still showed with their realtor and wanted to walk through the house. My realtor confirmed they had made other arrangements but that they were still going to come by even though she gave them a heads up that we were not moved out yet. Only their realtor walked through. I was in tears and she put her arm around me saying these things happen.

At 8:30 p.m. after the movers took the last load that would fit in their trailer, I just wanted to go and see my daughter dressed up for her grad dinner. I knew a bus was picking them up at 11:00 p.m. to take them to a surprise location for the rest of their party. I drove to her school where the dinner was being catered. I hadn’t showered. My hair was in a half bun, half pony tail falling out in places and my clothes were sweaty, dirty and wet after I just dumped a cleaning bucket in the sink but most of the water fell on me instead.

I declined to attend the dinner. I wouldn’t have been able to make it anyway with the move continuing past our close time but my daughter had been quite rude, mean and disrespectful to me. I heard her dad in everything she said. I am at the stage in my life now that I do not allow anyone to treat me in this manner. It took counselors, lawyers, friends, family and even our arbitrator to point out to me that I was an abused woman and that my ex had and continues to treat me in an abusive manner that is not acceptable. When I heard my daughter parrot her father in how he speaks to me and the content of her words to me, I recognized it immediately and said, “No, that is not okay.”

My daughter could have apologized after knowing my position but she did not chose to do this. I still wanted to see her and wish her well. I found her and took a few photos. My ex had already left to take my younger daughter back to our house. He had picked her up to go to the grad dinner and he took the cheating co-worker to our daughter’s grad when I let him know I would not be attending. He told me he was going to return the ticket for a refund. He is still trying to cover up his affair and make like it isn’t continuing on. My younger daughter did tell me that she hit the adulteress in the face with a tree branch that she had pulled and let swing back while they were at my daughter’s grad photo session.

I returned back to the house that still had some boxes for the movers to take. Everything was in the garage so I was now able to ensure the whole house was clean before leaving. My younger daughter and I stayed until 12:45 a.m. We packed up the car and took the pets to our new home. It had been a very stressful 2 days for them being placed in a bedroom in our suite during the move. After I dropped off my daughter and the pets I returned for another load of items (pet items, cleaning products, etc.) By the time I got back with my last load the movers were at my new place setting up our beds. They left at 2:45 a.m. I went to bed at 3:00 a.m.

I woke up at 4:41 a.m. and was back at my old place by 5:00 a.m. I wanted to sweep out the garage and I had bags of garbage to load and stuff into my car. I drove to a garbage dump that I didn’t even know existed until the day before. It is very close to my house. It was 6:00 a.m. There was a guy walking outside the facility and when I saw the recycling sign I asked him if they only took recycle items. He said they took everything. I asked when it opened and he said, “8:00 a.m.” I sighed and said I guess I would come back at 8. It was hot and I had garbage containing food, cat litter, dog poop that I had just picked up from the yard, etc. Turns out he was the owner and he offered to open 2 hours early just so I could dump everything! I was so grateful. I told him my story when I went to pay and he was so kind. He said, “I wondered why a pretty girl in a sports car packed to the gills with garbage was looking for a dump at this hour in the morning.” I knew I looked anything but pretty!!!!!!

I was so stiff and sore. I was sunburned. I had blisters, splinters, callouses, cuts and bruises all over me. I had been operating on 2 -3 hours max of sleep every night for a week. I was emotionally drained too. Phase One was done though. I was out of my old house and so glad to have it out of my life. It held nothing for me any longer. I was right to hold onto it for as long as I did for the sake of my girls and we were rewarded with getting almost our full asking price as soon as it was listed but it became just another area where my ex had control over my life. It was just a house, not the home and memories I had once created there, and I was completely done with it.

My ex was happy to see me struggle through the move and to not lift a finger to help. I let him know we were going to be in breach of the contract and his text back to me was that it wasn’t his issue. He didn’t care that he left everything of his behind except for what he came back for when he initially left–golf clubs, hockey bag, his hockey card binder with what he said before had about $10,000 worth of cards in it, and a brand new, $280 bike rack with trailer hitch, he said he gave to his boss (I still had the receipt and could have returned it). His goal was to bury me under as much burden as he could.

But it backfired. It made me stronger. It confirmed that I can do anything on my own with God’s help. It confirmed that I have endless support from so many different people in my life including strangers (that is how God works to show you who is really in control). It confirmed that my life is way better off with my ex out of it. He did as little as possible to help me when he was in my life and even though the house closing was his legal obligation too and he had so much of his own stuff to move from the property and should have been responsible for moving family items that neither of us wanted or had room in our new places for as well but he was a no-show on every level. He even tried to sabotage my efforts and take the girls out to a movie instead of them helping me just 2 days before the move date.

I am so built up and freer than I have been in a very long time. My ex is becoming dust on the road of life that is my journey. This was just one stop along of the way that I won’t be returning to again.

adultery, affair, children, divorce, moving

Happy Birthday Move

June 25 was my birthday. It was also my move day.

The day started with my ex texting me wishing me a happy birthday and asking me if I would be going to our older daughter’s grad dinner the next night. I had initially planned on going, 4 days before it was to happen, even though the timing was terrible. Our house closed the day of grad dinner at 5:00 p.m. I was moving the day before and was planning on just leaving the close day as my cleaning day but based on past move experiences I was aware of the potential for unforeseen glitches.

In the weeks leading up to our move, I had no help from any of the 3 other people responsible for the accumulation of stuff that was in the house. I alone was placed with the burden to pack and move everyone else’s things. I had garage sales, took items to auction, posted items for sale on line, consignment, donation, friends, the dump, etc. but the pile remained. It was 23 years of life with someone else, 17 years of one daughter’s things and 13 years of another. It included stuff given to us when my ex’s grandmothers past away and when his parents downsized to live in their cottage as well as items boxed up and moved here when my mom passed. t included boxes that had never been opened by us when we moved here 7 years ago. Yet no one else wanted to take responsibility for going through boxes, making decisions about what to keep and throw out and actually packing those things and taking them with them.

4 days before my oldest daughter’s grad dinner (I went to her grad ceremony the night before and took her, her sister and even my ex to dinner afterwards because he bought my grad dinner ticket), she parroted her dad. I asked her to come and sort through her boxes to see what she wanted to keep and take with her to her dad’s place or university and what she wanted to discard. She told me that if she was going to be “forced” to come over I better have her boxes out and ready to go through and not waste her time. I told her that I needed her to come with an attitude to help and that she at the very least could take responsibility for her own belongings. She told me that by her not helping it would teach me not to procrastinate and that I was only trying to get someone else to do my work for me. I reminded her that in the days leading up to the move when she knew I had a zillion things to do that she had no problem asking me to do things for her. I was driving her around to get her grad dress altered, her eyebrows threaded, and other errands she had asked me to do with her between my own appointments with lawyers and packing and getting rid of unwanted items. She never showed up to help.

My birthday move, however, was going well. A friend showed up at 8:30 a.m. with a big box of giant garbage bags and an Iced Capp from Tim Hortons. Another friend showed up with cookies for me. Another friend went to school and picked up my daughter and her friend for me (last day of school and the kids only had to go for 1 1/2 hours). The movers arrived. Friends came to help clean and pack up last minute items. My youngest daughter’s friends came and helped her finish up her packing and cleaning her bathroom and bedroom. I had a ton of birthday phone calls, emails, texts and Facebook messages that I was too busy to respond to or acknowledge until 4 days later. A friend brought pizza and a birthday cake over for dinner and anyone who was around stayed and we had a little party. Another friend brought me tiny donuts still warm from the Sidney Summer market. (My friends know me and my sweet tooth very well). Another couple of friends came and moved my t.v. and computer as the cable/internet provider was coming to my new place to hook things up the next day.

It was a long, busy and tiring day but through it all I felt loved and supported. I felt very happy to be physically moving on to the next chapter in my life.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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