Category Archives: marriage

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Florida, marriage, other woman, travel

My Nosy Ex

My girls and I were at our last stop in Calgary, Alberta before catching our final flight back to Victoria.  It was a long travel day and we were enjoying an excellent dinner at the Calgary airport. My daughter was legal drinking age in Alberta, 18 years old, so I was able to buy her a pomegranate mango passion fruit sangria (her choice) in a giant mason jar glass as her first legal drink.

My phone buzzed during our dinner and it was a text from my ex.  He said,  “btw… say hi to (friend’s name) for me.”  Some how he found out who I was staying with in Florida during our trip.  It is a guy that grew up on the same street as me in London, Ontario. He is 5 years older but my sister went to school with his sister, he knew my parents and me, we went to some of the same parties in high school and we reconnected in Toronto after university as we both worked in the insurance industry.

He was always very kind to me treating me to dinners, concerts and golf tournaments as his client when he was a marketing rep for a company that I used often for business purposes.  When Dave and I were travelling on a road trip down to Baltimore and then up the east coast he generously gave us restaurant gift certificates and baseball tickets at stops along the way.  He did the same thing after I won a trip to Las Vegas during a golf tournament he took me to as his guest.  Dave and I went to Vegas and then stayed an extra week renting a car to travel around California.

My older daughter had lunch with her dad today before I drove her to the ferry to head back to school. Her dad mentioned my friend and said that he knew him and didn’t know why we kept it a secret that we were staying with him.  It wasn’t a secret. Why would my ex think that me or my children should share any details of my life with him? My children didn’t find out about the trip until Christmas Day and we left at 3:45 a.m. the next day to go to the airport.  Their dad chose to see the girls for lunch on Christmas Eve so they didn’t even see him after finding out about the trip.  I told Dave in advance that we were going away and for how long so he was aware I was taking our daughters out of the country. He was fine with that, wrote me a letter for customs just in case, and didn’t ask where I was going let alone if I was going with anyone.

My older daughter asked him 3 times at lunch today how he knew that we were staying with my friend in Florida.  She said that each time she asked he changed the subject and never responded to her question.

Hmm, I wonder if he knows who slept over at my house the night before we left on our trip and who drove us to the airport and then picked us up the night we returned. 🙂

 

 

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abuse, adultery, affair, Betrayal, blogging, bullying, cheating, children, control, cruelty, Defamation, divorce, Janice Andrews, marriage, marriage breakdown, other woman, reputation, separatiion

My Ex’s latest Threat and Bullying

My ex has been texting me a lot again.

Last month there were weird texts that he would end with an emoticon of lips (after wishing me to have a great day), or one blowing a kiss (after he told me to go fuck myself) or ending it with xoxoxo (after he told me he had inner joy knowing he didn’t have to come home to me).

It ramped up again after he unexpectedly attended our youngest daughter’s dance open house on Tuesday at 3:30 p.m.  I certainly didn’t anticipate seeing him at all for the week long open house, let alone at one of her earliest classes because work is an excuse he uses most times to break commitments and avoid these types of activities.

He initiated talking to me as soon as he saw me asking where was our daughter.

“I don’t know, probably getting changed for class,” I responded.  I had just visited with her in the bathroom and she entered the classroom shortly afterwards.

Then he asked me what the plan was for Christmas because I didn’t respond to his text.  I told him I never received one asking about Christmas so he resent it. Turns out he had in fact sent it previously but it was buried in several rants he had sent me and it looks like I responded to one of his rants at the same time he sent this completely unrelated message so I never saw it. I told him that if he had something important to ask me that it was best if he did it via email as texting for me is a tool just for quick answer and response forms of communication.

His next question to me was where he could pick up the poinsettias. I told him I didn’t know. He said that the email said that pick up was between 4:30 – 5:30. Ah, that was the reason he was there. He had to get the plants he ordered. When he disappeared shortly after my daughter’s second class started my girlfriend told me he had to get his poinsettias and then go to hockey. That also explained to me why he changed picking up our daughter on Tuesdays.  His hockey schedule changed.  His change meant that I could no longer participate in my run group that I was part of for the last 5 or 6 years every Tuesday night.

He texted me the next day, yesterday, and it happened again that he sent a message, I responded and before I could respond he sent another message at the same time that got buried behind my response.  When I mentioned that he didn’t respond to my question he became very belligerent. He asked me if I was taking so many medications that I had an inability to read.  He said I only look at the negative and complain about everything. He criticized me comparing me to people in my life he thought were negative and then chastised me for not being more like other people in my life that he named as being positive. He said that I asked him not to text me but I spent our daughter’s dance class texting. He accused me of doing it on purpose because I like everyone to know what I am doing. He told me he thought I had bipolar issues. He said I waste a lot of my personal time on him for someone who is supposed to be happy and having the time of her life. He said that even though I tell him he is wasting my time I contact him a lot. He said that for someone who has moved on I am writing about him a lot. I claim one thing but do the opposite. Then he told me I was like a used car. I am a lemon and that he’s happy to get a new, better and improved model.  He said that getting rid of me almost 3 years ago was the best decision he ever made. He suggested that if I win my court case against him I should use the money towards a make over because I am in dire need. He then said he couldn’t care less what I look like because he is happy being with someone who loves him and our kids. He said I can spend thousands of dollars chasing my tail but money is meaningless. He assured me that when I act like an ass he will treat me like an ass.

Then today he texted me saying that he, Janice and Coast Claims are suing me for defamation for my blog. He said I have harmed their reputations by identifying them which has resulted in lost business opportunity. He said that I have made their case quite easy to win. They will be seeking damages and I may want to get some legal advice.  Then he ranted that I lost our older daughter’s passport photos and I lose everything, including my dignity and sanity.  He texted me again saying that my anger and bitterness has gotten the best of me and because of my blog, the statements I have made about him, Janice, releasing information that was confidential about Coast Claims and the employees is damaging and I am going to be sued and will pay financially very dearly for my repeated abuse. He told me to get myself a good lawyer because I am going to need it.

His final text to me tonight said they are all suing me because of our kids. A lawyer last night at their client Christmas party apparently mentioned the blog and the impact on the kids when they see it and this lawyer apparently recommended suing me. He said that his partners have wanted to for awhile so its really just good timing. He said that no one asked me to take down the blog. I was asked to remove personal and identifying information. Now they are going to ensure that happens legally and I will end up paying their costs and damages. I better get a job to pay for my legal fees and their award because they will enforce the award and if it means I will live on the street so be it. He told me to remember what I said about karma…It’s a bitch darling and now its your turn. Merry Christmas!!

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, Frank Elsner, marriage, Police, separatiion, shame, the other woman, Trust

Police Chief still in trouble

Although the Victoria Police Board initially tried to skirt the issue of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, inappropriately communicating with the wife of one of his subordinates, by saying he was not under investigation, the issue isn’t going away that easily.

The police union announced yesterday that there is “…no confidence in his ability to continue to lead the Victoria Police Department.”

When Victoria mayor, Lisa Helps, was interviewed on the news tonight, she was now the one stuttering when asked about her confidence in the police chief.

The police board and the union met today and will release a statement tomorrow. The Office of Police Complaints Commission will release a statement regarding the violation of public trust.

In my opinion, some positions of authority and leadership do carry a higher onus of moral responsibility. It will be very interesting to see if this man’s dream of finishing his police career here in Victoria as Chief of Police and then retiring in this city will be destroyed because of his stupid decision to build up his ego and fulfill whatever desires he might have had for another police officer’s wife.

Lesson to cheaters everywhere. Don’t do in private , secrecy and deceit what you would never want to be disclosed publicly for the world, your spouse, children and employer to judge. You have no idea what is at stake.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, marriage, Police

Just Another Dog?

In my Souper Bowl post I shared my experience of a very enjoyable lunch with Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner. When I found out he was married, that was the end of it for me.  We had a legitimate connection and I loved the time we spent in conversation but I excused myself from the table and moved on.

I was so disappointed and saddened tonight when my friend texted me to say that my police chief friend was in trouble for inappropriate conduct with the wife of a Victoria Police officer.  He told me it was all over the news. My heart honestly broke. I immediately thought of his wife and the one daughter that lives in Victoria, the same age as my youngest daughter.

I texted my close friend right away who is married to a Victoria Police officer to see if it was true.  She confirmed it.  I jokingly asked if she was the wife in question.  More seriously I asked her if she had any inclination that Frank was a dog because after I told her about my interaction with him at lunch she clearly didn’t feel the same way I felt about him. I remembered that she had been spot on about my husband regarding his behaviour at our Christmas party, just 2 months before I found out about his affair. She told me she just found out about all of this and has only had a handful of interactions with the chief but “sometimes you just get a sense about someone.”

Sure enough, Global BC reported tonight that “Victoria’s police chief admits he is ashamed and humiliated by his own conduct. An internal Police board investigation has determined Frank Elsner exchanged inappropriate messages with the wife of a subordinate officer. Despite that, the civilian board is standing by the chief even as questions have surfaced about the nature of the board’s investigation of the entire affair.”

Frank came on the television and said, “This was a momentary lapse of judgement and again I, I (yes he stuttered) sincerely and fully take full responsibility for but I am really sorry for. It was really stupid.” For the intelligent man I had met and know him to be by his degrees and success, he did sound really stupid.

My thought then was that he should lose his job. He has to have lost all respect and confidence as the leader of a 200 plus police force and by the public. Why should the police officer of the wife he was inappropriate with have to answer to him.  I know of a special task force officer who lost his job from this same police force for sleeping with another special task force officer’s wife.  This is a job where trust of your coworkers can mean life or death. Confidence, trust and respect of your police chief for the public is paramount, too.

Apparently, Frank was contacting, via Twitter, a female, who is a member of another police force and is married to a Victoria police department officer. We have several municipality police departments around Victoria with separate police and RCMP as well. A physical relationship was implied but Frank denies any relationship.

Frank said that he brought the situation to the attention of his wife. He claims it is a personal matter and it does not affect his employment or his ability to lead this organization.

The board was trying to keep it all confidential because they support the chief and what he has done for Victoria and because two families have been “very affected” and “broken up over this.”

I am just sad. It seems personal to me.

Frank indicated: “This doesn’t meet the standard that is expected of me, or that I expect from myself,” he says. “This will never happen again…It’s over, it’s done with, and the matter is complete.”

I suspect that is very much what Frank wishes.  My experience is that this is only the beginning.  Certainly between he and his wife, his relationship with his daughters, the public, his police force, regulatory board, city council, coworkers, etc. the matter is definitely not complete. It will be a mark on his character for the rest of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, difficult personality, Dr. Craig Malkin, marriage, narcissism, parenting

When to Walk Away and the Hot Potato Pass

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism” as per the video I recently watched, there are stop signs and reasons to leave a relationship with a narcissist.

Dr. Malkin says that the normal impulse is to run away from people like this and often that is a good idea.  If someone is physically or emotional abusive that is a reason to leave and you may need professional help to get out.  If they are in denial and can’t even say, “I think there is something wrong, I am having trouble here and it’s not going to get better”, that is a reason to leave.  The third stop sign is if you see a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit.  This can be a sign of severe psychopathy and they can be dangerous. You may require help to leave. I experienced everything mentioned at some point during my relationship with my husband.  The physical abuse was a one time incident prior to getting married but it was significant.   He grabbed my throat with both his hands and I scratched his face to get away. We were living in a condo at the time and we were in the end unit by the stairwell.  He threw all my clothes down the stairs. I was wearing only a bathrobe and went to retrieve my clothes when he locked me out of our suite.

Dr. Malkin indicates that Narcissists depend on feeling special to feel good, to soothe themselves in a variety of ways instead of depending on people. He suggests that you can find out if the narcissist in your life has a capacity to share more vulnerable feelings and experience empathy, care and concern, if you open up and are vulnerable around them.  My experience leads me to believe that my husband learned how he should act in certain situations.  I believe he had an intellectual sense that he should be saying and doing something caring when in fact he didn’t feel those feelings.  Anything deep and personal that I shared or displayed making me vulnerable only proved to me that he had no capacity for empathy, care or concern. I then learned to protect myself from additional hurt and rejection by keeping my true needs and feelings to myself.

Examples of why I did this is because I remember very specific times when my husband was so cold to me that the rejection and lack of care cut deeply.

There were 2 incidents that I recall before we got married. We were making Valentine’s Day dinner when I cut my finger very seriously. I went to the bathroom to run it under cold water. He came to see how it was and he accused me of squeezing it to make it bleed and to make it look worse. I was doing the opposite by trying to stop the bleeding. We did in fact end up in Emergency and I required stitches.  Another time was when we played baseball together.  I fell and broke my foot.  I couldn’t get up and everyone came over from both teams to help me.  Every single person on my team came except Dave. I was carried off the field and had to go to Emergency again.  He drove me there. I eventually needed surgery on my foot.  I had a huge cast and was taking Oxycontin.  They wouldn’t even let him pick up the prescription because of the seriousness of medication and the doctor had to be called. I couldn’t get up and walk alone and I was in so much pain but completely stoned from the meds. He left me the next day to go and play golf. I remember it was later in the afternoon when he came home. I was in tears trying to get up just to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t even get to the kitchen to get any food or drink.

After we had been married for about 7 years, I remember sobbing in the tub on my dad’s birthday, 4 months after he passed.  It was 3 weeks after 911 and I was 2 months pregnant (had just had a miscarriage before my dad’s sudden death from a head-injury after a fall) and I was feeling very emotional. Dave heard me and never came to see if I was okay. He made some comment afterwards and I told him it was my dad’s birthday. He just said sorry he didn’t remember but that was it.

I remember during the birth of our second child that I was feeling really badly because my husband was complaining at the hospital that it was cold, he had sore feet and that he had to help transfer me to the gurney to take me to the operating room. I remember feeling so guilty that I couldn’t push the baby out quick enough to ease his discomfort and annoyances.

After the birth of our second daughter he was so mad that I needed him to stay in the hospital with me overnight to help me get the baby in the night to feed her and change her.  I just had a C-section. I begged and insisted he had to stay. He refused to stay the second night  and he made me feel so badly for needing his help that I was fine with him leaving.

When I came home from the hospital, I was sobbing. They wanted me to stay in longer (I was definitely struggling physically following the surgery, had breast feeding issues and had passed some very large blood clots. The one my husband saw and the nurse noted was the size of a grapefruit. I thought my whole insides were falling out. I was also showing signs of post partum depression) but I felt I would be better at home as I got no sleep in the hospital. Before we arrived home, I needed items for me and the baby at the drugstore.  My husband made me get out of the car and go into the pharmacy myself to get my prescriptions.  I could barely walk let alone bend over and I literally could not stop crying. Several nights later, I was in a lot of pain with a blocked milk-duct. After doctor consultation, we were told that nursing was the only way to unblock it without surgery. I dreaded feeding her because when the baby latched it was agonizing.  My breast was so infected I had a fever and diarrhea. I was shivering with the fever, sitting on the toilet and my husband came and gave me our new baby because “one of us has to get up and work in the morning.”

Another significant memory for me is after my mom passed away, he yelled at me for not driving my sister to the airport and for asking him to do it instead. When he came back a week later after I was left alone, with both my kids to look after, to clean out the rest of the house my parents had lived in for 50 years, he yelled again because I needed him to take some items to Goodwill.  He had no idea how much work I had to do, how little sleep I had, the pressure of the time line for the house closing and how much stuff I had to get rid of let alone the emotional toil of the situation.

According to Dr. Malkin, one of the ways narcissists dodge feeling uncomfortable is to pass their insecurities onto someone else like a game of hot potato. They try to get you to take on the feeling they don’t want. One of their manoeuvres is to question your every move. They try to get over their own vulnerable feelings of not being good enough by making you feel like you are the incompetent one.  They play emotional hot potato.

I definitely experienced this with my husband and realize now it intensified during his affair. One night he came home from work and questioned what I did all day.  I told him one thing was that I cleaned out the fridge and that I pulled it out and cleaned behind it as well.  I was telling him how dirty it was when he went over and accused me of scratching the hardwood floor by pulling it out myself. I constantly felt like I couldn’t do enough to please him.

Dr. Malkin specifically says they start to nitpick at you to make them feel better about what they’ve done.

I also remember him coming back from a trip to Vancouver and accusing me of not cleaning the kitchen while he was gone saying that the same dishes were on the counter.  I told him they were new dirty dishes but he tried to insist I did nothing when he was gone.

I also vividly remember him so intensely angry over a coworker who allegedly lied to him. He said he was going to confront this person for saying he received after-hour calls that he went out on when he didn’t. I remember trying to calm my husband during his outrage. Meanwhile, he was the one lying about so many things to me, the affair included.

Recognizing and understanding more about narcissism has helped me to realize that I am so much better off without this man in my life.  Love covers a multitude of sins and I did love my husband but the affair and his behaviour preceding my discovery of the affair and his handling of my feelings afterwards made it clear that walking away was my only option. Now that I have stopped loving this man as my husband, his sins are no longer covered in my eyes.  I see very clearly.  I never kept a record of his wrongs or brought these things up but again when I stopped loving him as my husband memories of these things come flooding back.  It seems obvious to me now that this is a man who is not capable of true, deep and meaningful love with another human being. I don’t qualify the statement as him just being incapable of loving me because I am aware of enough examples surrounding our children and others who he should have deeper relationships with to recognize that I am not the problem.

Understanding narcissism better has helped me be able to distance myself and depersonalize my husband’s behaviour towards me. It is still painful, especially the betrayal and unfair and cruel treatment over the past 2 1/2 years, but I am not near as reactionary in response to my ex’s tirades, callousness and even his hatred towards me.  It helps to explain some of his behaviour including the affair, his treatment of his children during our separation and his inability to accept his responsibilities in honouring our mediation agreement and the other legal proceedings.

It has also made me realize that the discovery of his affair was a blessing in disguise.  I deserve so much better. I deserve someone who is capable of loving me especially in my weakness and vulnerabilities. Someone who actually cares about my needs and wants and desires me to feel special.

My ex’s ongoing behaviour has helped confirm that he does have deep rooted issues that will not be resolved by him leaving our marriage.  One day the ‘other woman’ just won’t be able to make him feel special enough. This I am confident as I already know he has approached other women during his relationship with her.

In the storm and chaos that my ex continues to create around me, I am finally able to experience inner peace.  My life is hopeful, happy and I am discovering new gifts every day as a result of my new life.

http://www.oprah.com/own-show/How-to-Spot-the-Hidden-Narcissist-in-Your-Life

 

 

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, marriage, other woman, separation

Another Nanny

When I returned to work full-time, after having my second child, we hired nannies.  My mother-in-law come to my home two days; a friend came for 2 days and another friend came for 1 day.  We also had my niece employed as a live-in nanny for 2 months during the summer.

My husband worked around the corner from where we lived and he would come home for lunch every day. Never did I think there was a chance he would come home and screw the nanny.

I often wonder how Dave and Janice feel when news breaks about a marriage or relationship ending because of an affair. I know how my daughters feel when we watch t.v. and something on the subject comes up.  I know they sometimes verbalize their disgust and disappointment or they go very quiet depending on the show and how the information unfolds. I have broken the ice with others if the mood is tense based on the cheating subject by saying something either genuine or mocking like–“been there, done that, got the T-shirt and lawyer bill as a souvenir.”  I wonder how much more awkward it would be for a husband and wife who have experienced infidelity in their marriage but stayed together. They must relive the pain all over again every time.  I know that Dave and Janice mocked the subject on Twitter. Like a Teflon frying pan, guilt and ownership just slides right off them.

I was thinking about this with the media attention surrounding Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage that tore apart by Gavin’s relationship with their nanny.  I wondered if Dave and Janice think what shitty people Gavin and the nanny are?  Do they ever consider how devastating it must have been for Gwen to find out her husband had been sleeping with the nanny for 3 years, right under her nose, even while she was pregnant with one of their children? Do they think how disrespectful they were? Do they consider how sad it will be for 3 children now that their parents are divorcing because of the affair and how their lives are now set on completely different paths?

Or instead do they think, Gwen must not have been meeting her husband’s needs? They likely believe there was obviously something wrong in the marriage for Gavin to have done what he did.  Do they think how sad it is for the nanny to have her name, Mindy Mann, her face and image splashed around the media? Do they think how sad it is for the nanny and her family to have to deal with the public shaming? Do they feel badly for the nanny who went into hiding because she got found out?  Do they want to contact papers and entertainment shows to admonish them for reporting on such things screaming that, “Everyone needs to move on.” Do they think how terrible it was that another nanny ratted her out? Do they blame someone else that their sexting and the nude photos of Mindy were found on the family iPad and that the children had access to this information? Do they think it is love between Gavin and Mindy? Do they think that the affair “just happened” and that no one was looking for it? Do they see Gwen as acting like the victim when they feel she was likely the cause of it instead?

I wonder if they detach themselves from these situations and don’t see themselves in the same way that most view this ultimate betrayal.  I suspect they justify it saying things like, “Ethan Hawke married his kids’ nanny so it must be true love and meant to be.”  I bet they look on whatever positive they can muster up to justify themselves and spin it in their favour. They do , I am sure, because Dave has always excused and minimized their behaviour. They have even got their friends to rally behind them and support them on this blog. I bet they can’t even see themselves as acting exactly the way these people did.

Here is an Ethan Hawke quote, “To act all indignant that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn’t faithful to you is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey.” Wow, guess the nanny shouldn’t be too comfortable in her role as his wife as he has given her fair warning what to expect along with grey hair. He has also given her a license to cheat.

When Chris Du Burgh got caught with his kid’s nanny he said, “I got caught up in something a bit like getting on a train. When I got on board it was stationary and it started moving a little faster and a little faster . . . By the time we were going at 80 mph, I realised I couldn’t jump off without getting badly hurt.”   Typical cheater mind-set.  Worried about their own hurt and using that as an excuse for the no-sense-stopping-now attitude instead of considering anyone else’s feelings and doing what is right over what feels better. To underscore this cheater’s selfishness, he fooled around on his wife (the one he wrote the song ‘Lady in Red’ for) while she was recovering from a broken neck. She probably deserved it for not being able to meet his needs at that time.

When Maria Shriver found out that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fathered a child with their housekeeper and was paying the housekeeper child support (or shut-up money) she filed for divorce. Arnold said that, “A lot of people, no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are in life, make stupid choices involving sex.”

Nannies, housekeepers, coworkers–all just easy, convenient prey in the path of the lustful husband.  These women care more about what they are getting out of it than thinking of anyone else.  Do these women have such low self-worth they can’t say ‘no’ or do they have zero morals and values and feel entitled to have whatever they want or whoever is desperate enough to take them? Do they really think that they must be better than the wife and that it is love? Is it all just selfishness and greed? Ben Affleck’s nanny was seen driving a new Lexus after he and Jennifer Garner split because of her. Robin Williams’ marriage ended when he fooled around with his son’s nanny.  The nanny got promoted to be his personal assistant and then moved up the ranks to wife #2. Janice’s quality of life increased with my husband. Janice’s husband was even one of the people who told me that.

Jude Law was engaged to Sienna Miller when he got caught fooling around with the nanny for his kids from his first marriage. His response: “I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us.”  Really? He’s fathered a couple of kids with flings since. Interesting how woman are less cautious with birth control when their partner has more than they do. Probably why my ex was so anxious to get a vasectomy in the year before I know that he was having an affair. Wonder who was before Janice or at least who he was hoping was before Janice. I am convinced he just threw out the net and pulled in whatever he could.

These nannies do not love the children they are caring for otherwise these types of affairs would never happen. Who can say they love the kids and then go and sleep with one of their parents in secrecy and deception. The nannies may as well have cut the head off the family pet, too. They love themselves first and that is probably it. Dave likes to say that our children are fine with Janice. He thinks they are forgiving and get along great with her. He thinks they have a relationship. Janice will never love my children. You can’t love someone when the only reason they are in your life is because you chose to selfishly fuck them over. My kids do what they have to do in order to have some type of relationship with their dad. Janice does what she does in order to try and look good to Dave. She never bought my younger daughter anything until this Thanksgiving but she tried to win over my older daughter with gifts for her birthday the last 2 years and Christmas. She treats my older daughter noticeably better in front of my younger daughter and both my kids know this. It is all surface level interaction. Janice can’t even put aside her own feelings and insecurities to treat my children fairly and equally. She gave my older daughter a box of food to take to university. I ended up bringing most of it all back home and donating it to the food bank. My daughter hates cereal and nuts. The box was filled with the cereal bars, granola bars, chocolate bars with nuts and there were other things my daughter would never eat.  She wouldn’t even keep the food to give to her new dorm mates. If Janice really cared about even my older daughter she might have asked her what food she liked or actually would want to spend time getting to know her. The other woman’s focus is only on pleasing herself and making sure she has what she wants.  The cheating spouse thinks the focus is all on him.  Only because she is getting what she wants through him.

I have “No Doubt” that there will be another nanny.  And what makes them feel so secure?  If the husband is able to fool the wife for 3 years, why would the nanny, Janice or any other woman out there think they won’t get the same treatment in return? Take whatever you can selfishly grab now because there is unfortunately always another woman out there ready to spread her legs or open her mouth for the next promotion and there is always a man who will say what he needs to or spend what he has to for sex. And men, these woman will just as easily leave you when a bigger carrot is dangled in their face.

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, Commitment, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage

What are you trying to create?

When you say, “I do” and declare it publicly to your partner in front of all of your friends and family, promising to be faithful, for better or worse, till death do us part and announce this in a church in the presence of God, signing the marriage certificate witnessed by your chosen best man and best woman so it can be filed as public record of your declaration to each other, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your vows.  And so they should be.  That was what you wanted and knew to be right with the new life you chose to live together.

When you get baptized, shortly after your marriage, confessing that Jesus is Lord in your life, died for your sins, was buried and raised on the third day and do so after studying the bible and implementing the teachings in your life because you experience the difference it makes and you want to make a difference in the lives of others, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your conviction.  And so they should be.  That was what you wanted for the good of your life and what you knew to be right.

Who would ever want to be the person who breaks their vow to God, breaks the promise and trust of their spouse, lets down their children and fails to be everything they proclaim to be to their friends, family, children, coworkers and people who are watching their life and doctrine closely.  No one wants to be the king who couldn’t finish building the tower or the person who knocks on the door and God doesn’t know who they are.  Why do we take actions then and choose behaviours that work against our commitments?

Commitment to marriage and to God is not easily undone. Try dissolving a marriage and tearing apart lives that were built together.  It is not a simple, easy, fast or inexpensive process.  It is not void of emotion, complication, legalities, turmoil, pain and strife for all parties involved. Try leaving God and making selfish decisions now that you know separate you from the Being who was most important in your life, that created you in His image, the entity you claim is the Creator of Earth and all living things, is the Father, the Great I Am, the Lord and Saviour. Life never seems to go so well when someone makes decisions against what they believe to be right. We’ve witnessed it with people in our lives and with public figures.

How does anyone, who knows what they know to be true, choose to purposely make things go so wrong in their life? There has to be an internal battle that eventually manifests physically, emotionally or mentally, when you live a life that is contrary to the one you declared publicly that you intended to live. This sets your life on a different path that you some how think will lead to happiness but the bible tells us in 2 Peter 2:21 that it would be better off for people to have never known than to turn their backs on what they knew to be right.

Do we just lose sight of our commitment and the possibilities of what we were trying to achieve? Why did we choose to go against what we were committed to? What would have been the next step in our life that we wanted to avoid? What did we need to stop from happening? Why were we willing to take action to cause destruction ensuring it couldn’t happen? What were we so afraid of that the alternative is our current situation? What was so bad that we chose to hurt so many others in the process just to try to protect ourselves? Yet, didn’t we hurt ourselves the most?

If divorce is the answer to happiness and you want someone out of your life and have taken legal action to make it happen, why would anyone now thwart actions to finalize exactly what they want? Why would someone resist the process for 2 years and then refuse to honour the mediation agreement that they know is to their financial benefit? Why would they not complete the actions that are part of the legal agreement that they signed with their lawyer such as forwarding the other person’s share of  RRSP money? Why would they refuse to provide their share of expenses they agreed to pay when all supporting documentation confirming the expenses is in their hands?  Why would someone make phony accusations to the police against the person they don’t want anything to do with? Why would they get their friends involved with a person they want out of their life? Why would anyone’s friends want to be involved? Why keep attaching the energy around you to someone that you want gone? Why continue to try and submit claims through the other person’s medical and dental insurer instead of getting your own coverage because why would you want to contact the person you supposedly want out of your life to say they owe you claim money? Why can they not take action to separate everything from the other person’s life? Why haven’t they filed for divorce?

There has to come a point when you stop and ask yourself, “What am I trying to create?” It is a lot of racket and chaos but what is really going on here?  Is it that you don’t want a divorce?  Is that why you created a fake persona on my blog using my identity saying things like “I forgive you” and “we are back together”.  Is that what you really want to hear out of my mouth so you made that happen on my blog? Is that why you were trying to list men’s names and say things about me sleeping with them hoping to get a reaction out of me just to see if it was true? Why create so much energy in reactive, angry, spiraling behaviour when none of these things should even matter to you because you have moved on and in your mind it is a fictional tale.

If I discovered a blog about me I wouldn’t have told a soul. If anyone found it I would have just said, “Yes, he clearly is hurt and angry over things and I will just chose to not comment on his interpretation of the facts.” End of story. I certainly wouldn’t have responded and I would not read entries. There would be no benefit to me.  Why feed something you hope dies? I would never have created fake names to comment on posts and I would never dream of asking my friends to do that. I would never make up lies about the author and publicly try to smear their character. How would hurting the other person benefit me? It would only hurt me.

There has to come a point when you decide: “I want this divorce so these are the actions I have to take in order to live in peace with my ex; to surround my children with love, protection and security; to meet my children’s needs on every level; to honour my legal obligations so I can be a man of integrity and keep my word.  I have broken trust with my ex and children so many times but I am going to keep my word and honour my agreements. Therefore, I need to follow the decisions I have made to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. I created this situation but I want to stop creating negativity and I don’t want to perpetuate it further.  I have created so much hurt, pain and expense with my actions and I now need to minimize that as much as I can control. I need to take responsibility for what I created and do whatever I can to help everyone that I hurt heal so I can heal, too. ”

If this is what you want, everything else you have been creating is counter-intuitive.  If it isn’t what you want, you better start thinking what you do want and work to create that in your life.  No progress will be made otherwise. Fence sitting is not moving forward.

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, infidelity, marriage

Do angels feel pain?

My older daughter texted me from university with this question, “Angels can suffer right? Like feel pain or die or be sad?”

“Well”, I said. They were created by God but I don’t know about them dying. I don’t think they can die because they are in heaven with God. Although Satan was found to be wicked and got kicked out of heaven, but he’s still alive causing destruction on earth. I don’t know if Satan feels like he is suffering or not as a result of God casting him out. He rules the world and probably feels very successful in that sense. I am guessing they can feel. Satan is described as the most beautiful angel, esd ordained by God and believed he should be higher than God. He must be able to feel in order to be so prideful. I am guessing he can feel because he hates us and it must make him happy to hurt us or why not just follow God?”

My daughter responded, “He got kicked out because he was jealous of God’s love of humans and because of that disobeyed right?” Then she asked another totally unrelated question about coming home this weekend and we didn’t talk about it further. I followed up with her a couple of days later to see if she figured it all out and what prompted the question.  It was for a debate she was working on in her Philosophy class.  She had to respond in an atheist point of view.

I don’t know how you respond to a question about angels in an atheist point of view except to say they don’t exist but it got me thinking about Satan. I remembered how in Job he was “roaming in and out of the earth” and when I read it again (Job 1-6) it says in the NIV that he was “going back and forth on it.”  I wonder how many times in the past few years Satan has been going back and forth over my life. I honestly don’t think there is anything he can do to me to shake my faith in God, or God’s love for me, and promised plan to prosper me (favourite scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.) but I sure don’t want to tempt Satan to bring it on! I feel like I’ve had enough.

As I write this, the song in the background repeats, “If I lose myself I lose it all.” (Naughty Boy, ‘Runnin’ ft. Beyoncé)

I remember talking to my husband about his affair in a spiritual light.  I reminded him that after Satan tempted Jesus while he was in the desert for 40 days that he was unsuccessful and left until a more “opportune time.” (Matthew 4: 1 – 11) I suggested that Satan knew everything going on in Dave’s life, heart and mind–probably because he was whispering in his ear, and it was the opportune time to trip him up. I reminded him that Ephesians 4:27 commands, “…and do not give the devil a foothold.”  Dave let the door open for Satan even just a crack. That was all Satan needed to stick his foot in and kick it wide open.  Dave responded to me saying, “Or maybe we just did a lousy job at taking care of our marriage.”  I didn’t think so.

If you think spiritually and stay spiritual and have spiritual people guiding you and supporting you in your life, there are spiritual solutions for infidelity.  Not easy ones because although I can’t respond for angels I know for sure that as humans we do suffer. We do feel sadness and we do feel pain.  We do die physically and can feel like we are dying of a broken heart. We can still be alive but experience spiritual death, separation from God, which for a Christian is supposed to be more painful than physical death.  I think that is why as much as the bible makes it clear that God hates divorce, knowing us as humans, he allows infidelity as the only reason for divorce to be granted. How hard it would be to stay with someone who betrayed you.

Comfort on earth in all of this–angels!  I have had many angels show up in various forms to me during these last 3 years. And it is confirmed in Matthew 4:11. When Satan failed to tempt Jesus, Satan went away at Jesus’ command. When Satan left Jesus, “angels came and attended him.”

Praying that we all experience the attendance of angels in our life, especially after Satan has played with our lives directly or indirectly.

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adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, marriage, separation, the other woman

Getting Remarried

I attended my first wedding since separating from my husband.

It was the second wedding for both the bride and the groom. I wondered if I would be at all cynical for the exchanging of vows between 2 people promising to be faithful, for better or for worse, and until death parts them. After all, they likely spoke those same words to other people but never kept their promise.

Making it odder for me was the fact that I knew the bride’s previous husband and his new wife. There was talk by guests at the wedding, who didn’t know that I knew the bride’s ex-husband and his new wife, that he had an affair and that was what ended the marriage. I know that to be true.

I was reminded at the wedding that my husband actually stumbled over his vows during the part where he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be faithful.” Laughter came from the pews because of his stumble on our wedding day 21 years ago. My husband explained afterwards that he paused only because he thought the minister was not finished speaking. Now I wonder if he knew then that he had no intention of staying true to his vow and wonder if he cheated in the 4 years we lived together before getting married. I remember some very specific lies he told when we first started dating. Why was that not a huge red flag to me?

I had a lot of fun at the wedding. I was truly happy for the couple. They looked beautiful. They have rhyming names. They are both kind-hearted, fun, generous people who deserve a partnership full of love and respect. At this point they seem to have that in their relationship. I pray it continues for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I have no desire for that in my future. I will never trust anyone with my entire life again. I don’t feel sad thinking that way even though I know how much I valued and loved my marriage and my husband and how much it benefited the security, peace and well-being of our children. I think it is wisdom. Live and learn.

I want my freedom more than anything else.  When I am not doing everything for my children, I want to be doing everything for me. Selfish? I thought about that but usually what I want to do benefits other people. I have so many friends: married, single, divorced, separated, male, female, working, not working, parents, no kids, etc. and I am loving my time with all of them. I keep meeting more and more people and am getting to know others who were just acquaintances before on a deeper level.  My life is full. I don’t ever want my life to be about only one other person’s needs–a husband. That absolutely makes me cringe to think about it. I want to spend my life doing what I want, with who I want, when I want.

My friend said it well: “It takes a really, really great guy to be better than no guy.”

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adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, lying, marriage, psychology

Monster in My Family

I saw an interview tonight on 20/20 with Melissa Moore. Her dad is serial killer, Keith Jesperson.

She was talking about his duplicitous life and trying to reconcile her experience with him as a loving father to one of a sociopath that killed 8 women. Looking back she realized there were signs of his cruel and uncaring nature (he killed 3 kittens she found and took pleasure in her grief over the situation) and she recalled the confessions he made to her that she didn’t realize at the time were true of how to get away with murder (thought he was reading detective magazines and fantasizing). Today she has no contact with him because of the disturbing nature of his letters.

Her father was involved in the interview. What hit me most about his nonchalant way of describing what he had done was his need to have the interviewer “move on”. He did what he did, wished he didn’t, wished he could make things “peaches and cream” but can’t change things so “move on”. This has been the catch phrase of my ex in every email to me over the past 2 1/2 years.

Keith Jesperson is so narcissistic that he confessed to the murders because he wasn’t getting any attention or credit for killing. 2 other people were wrongly convicted for his first murder. He wrote a confession on a bathroom wall saying he did it and when that didn’t elicit him any attention he started writing letters about the murders to media.

Keith Jesperson is psychopathic more than sociopathic but a lot of the traits are similar. I have had 3 friends who know my ex tell me, very seriously, they think my ex is a sociopath.

According to R. Preston McAfee, the Profile of the Sociopath is:

“•Glibness and Superficial Charm
•Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
•Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
•Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
•Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
•Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
•Incapacity for Love
•Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
•Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
•Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
•Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
•Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
•Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
•Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
•Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:
1.Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
2.Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
3.Authoritarian
4.Secretive
5.Paranoid
6.Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
7.Conventional appearance
8.Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
9.Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
10.Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
11.Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
12.Incapable of real human attachment to another
13.Unable to feel remorse or guilt
14.Extreme narcissism and grandiose
15.May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)”

On the HealthGuidance website it details characteristic qualities of a sociopath further as follows:

“• Lack of empathy – Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions
• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain
• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love
• Narcissism – A personality disorder in itself in which the individual feels strong love and admiration toward themselves (often a defense mechanism against deep seated low esteem)
• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions. A sociopath might see themselves as a fitting ruler of a country or even the world, but might also have delusional beliefs such as seeing themselves as a God or having super powers
• Charming – While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capable but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first
• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan
• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse
• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning
• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires
• Sensitive to criticism – That said, like all narcissists, the sociopath will desire the approval of others and will be highly sensitive to criticisms. They often feel they deserve adulation and admiration of the world and might feel victimized
• Paranoid – Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruous self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia
• Despotic/Authoritarian – Often the sociopath will see themselves as a necessary authority and will be in favor or totalitarian rule
• Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power, or to move to another area so that their behavior is tolerated
• Low tolerance for boredom – Sociopaths require constant stimulation and get quickly bored
• Impulsive behavior – A lack of regret and empathy means makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts
• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down
• The MacDonald Triad – In childhood sociopaths will likely have demonstrated the ‘MacDonald Triad’ also known as the ‘Triad of Sociopathy’, traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. These include animal cruelty (pulling the wings off of flies etc, bed wetting, and pyromania (an obsession with fire setting)).

Sociopaths of course vary in their symptoms and might act differently in different cases. However their main trait is presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions.”

Without a shadow of a doubt, my ex is a sociopath. He fits all of these definitions.  When I read every definition I have an example of what he did in our life together or stories from his parents and friends of how he acted as a child/teen that fits every trait. It is because of my history with my ex over 23 years that made it clear to me as soon as I found out about the affair and his reaction to me finding out that there was only one decision to make–file for divorce.

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