adultery, affair, Cancer, divorce, infidelity, melanoma, separation

Cancer Update

Last Thursday, I contacted my specialist’s office as I was surprised I still hadn’t received any information about the pathology report following removal of the malignant melanoma tumour in my right shoulder. I was told that it had not been received and they too were anxiously awaiting the report and would call as soon as it came in.

Today, I was contacted that the report has now been received. When I went in to have the stitches removed it was my understanding that if the surgery was successful and there was no more sign of cancer there would be no need to return. I would just be referred to the Melanoma expert for ongoing monitoring and genetic testing for me and my girls.

I was hoping that my specialist would call directly again saying that there was good news this time. I wanted her to call and say that the cancer had all been removed and that I didn’t need to go back. I thought she would confirm the referral to Dr. Patrick Kenny’s office and tell me that his office would call me with my first appointment date.

Instead, I was contacted by my specialist’s assistant. She told me that the doctor needed me to come in so she could go over the pathology results with me directly. She asked if I could come in on Thursday or Friday.

My appointment is Friday at 2:30.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, divorce, God, Healing, hot yoga, unfaithfulness

Stay Real,Live Positive,Practice Hot Yoga

Hope comes in many forms.

As I walk my journey of heart break, betrayal, and the devastating consequences of a narcissistic, cheating spouse and his self-seeking girlfriend in my life, God inserts kinder, gentler, inspiring people to remind me that my ex and the other woman are only two crumby people in a huge world that have lived on and crossed my path, temporarily blocking my way.

David Smith, photographed below in a standing bow posture, is one of the many better people that have appeared in my life, since my separation. He arrived at the perfect time. David Smith and I take Bikram yoga classes together. In 2015, he was so kind in emailing me encouraging messages pertaining to my yoga practice, my running and my life situation. I thought it was the coach in him but I have realized that his own life experiences, which could have embittered him, and did, (he thinks it caused his cancer) have made him the amazing man that he is today.

I wanted to share one aspect of his life, as I wait for the results of my own cancer diagnosis, just as an offer of hope and encouragement. Maybe what we interpret as a death sentence is only an opportunity for a better life.

DAVID SMITH:

MY YOGA STORY

Being diagnosed with terminal cancer is a real shock to say the least. Cancer comes in many varieties. Unluckily, mine was diagnosed as the most aggressive you can get. It had spread to twenty locations from behind the lungs to the pelvis. It was on the move to the brain, bones or both, next.

Cancer and its treatment are extremely hard on the body. From 2011 to 2014 I received four surgical procedures, the key one failed and was aborted. A dizzying array of nasty meds, fifty two radiation treatments and forty five radioactive seed implants followed. During and after all this treatment my immune system was nonexistent as all critical blood values dipped well below normal ranges. Testosterone, a critical male hormone wasn’t just low, it went to zero as did strength and energy levels. My weight shot up from 170 to 208 lbs, almost overnight.

Did I mention that I run my own business? It was not doing great as well.

Just to add another level of stress and ‘excitement’, when you develop cancer the kooks come out of the woodwork offering a dizzying array of witchcraft and untested home remedies. All unproven and most for money of course. Surprisingly the advice I found most offensive was “stay positive.” You have got to be kidding me! The best advice is to STAY REAL!

Fortunately I had great support from long time employees, my son Tyler (now a Bikram instructor and another dramatic yoga success story), a team of very well qualified doctors in the United States and the Sidney Hot Yoga studio.

Hot Yoga, you have got to be kidding!

I have an extensive competitive cycling background as a member of the Canadian National Team in 1993, and coach to Ryder Hesjedal – arguably one of the best cyclists Canada has ever produced. A Hot Yoga studio was the last place I ever thought I would be. From my sports training background I knew the importance of good nutrition and so eating habits were modified. Not to extremes. Just sensible.

During radiation treatment in Sarasota Florida, Tyler would drag me to the Bikram studio right after treatment before the negative effects took hold. I would crawl through classes, like it or not. When I returned to Sidney, I suffered through Thirty Day Challenges and even challenged myself to many a double class and even an all-day yoga, doing four classes in one day.

There have been many recent medical studies that are showing that yoga benefits cancer patients. Duhh….of course it does! Instead of “staying positive” you are “living positive.” Surrounding yourself with good energy, positive people and improving your fitness level. Its a no brainer.

My doctors are amazed at how healthy I look and how well I am doing. As one commented, “You are not the man in your medical charts, what is your secret?” I don’t know what the outcome will be. I do know that I am doing WAY better than what was first predicted.

For now the cancer is gone.

What I know too is that hot yoga has played a huge role in the success of the treatments. Aches and pains from of a lifetime of crashes and crazy boat rides are gone as well. There is still everyday stress but it gets handled with a new sense of calm, dignity and confidence. In the end, illness, arthritis, stress or not, I should have been doing heated yoga all along anyway – Wake up calls come in strange ways.

Thanks to all of you! XXXOOO David

P.S. Please feel free to share this with friends and family, maybe it will help their loved ones. I wish I had a better Standing Bow but oh well!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, Christianity, divorce, God, infidelity, moving on, other woman, separatiion, single parent, unfaithfulness

Waiting

I feel like my life is on hold.

I have a cancer diagnosis hanging over my head. My stitches were removed yesterday but the pathology report remains outstanding. My doctor is watching for the results and promised to call me directly.

Even though the stitches are out the area will take a year to heal. The doctor explained that there is a lot of repairing still to take place inside. The outside skin is very weak and the wound can reopen so there are still limitations in what I am able to do with my arm.

I usually start my run clinic at this time of year preparing for races. This is the first time in 6 years I haven’t joined Sole Sisters. When Dave and I initially separated he said he would pick up our daughter on Tuesday nights so I could continue to run with my group. That was only because it worked for his schedule. Now that it doesn’t, I am picking up my daughter from dance on clinic night. I was going to join a different group on a different day or try training on my own or with a friend who used to coach running but with my 2 surgeries and diagnosis it seemed like a waste of money until I know if I will have to have further testing and treatment.

My ex is still fighting me on so many issues. We are waiting for his compliance on the court orders before returning to court on outstanding issues and new ones. He did pay me the support arrears and court cost amount but he has several other orders with actions to complete and information to provide. As usual, the information he did provide is incomplete or insufficient so my lawyer has had to write to his lawyer again making further requests.

I am only staying in Victoria at this time because of my children. I have tried for the last 3 years, in the midst of the destruction of our family and finances, to do what I could to keep the daily lives of my children stable. I don’t want to take our younger daughter away from her dad, her friends or her dance studio but we have talked about moving. She said she would move if we could go to Florida. I asked why and she said it was warm and she liked all the places we have stayed there. Both of her grandparents go there for the winter months and one of my best friends lives there. I told her that it is too difficult to get into the States to reside. She suggested we move up island but I told her that I didn’t really see the benefit. She wants us to have a house and our own space. Housing costs are less up island but I told her that if she was going to move hours away from her dad and friends the reality is that she wouldn’t get to see them very often. We may as well go where we would really like to go or have a reason to go. She said she would move anywhere if her best friend and her mom came with us. I said that all of their family is here and her best friend’s mom has a career so that was very unlikely to happen. She mentioned one other dance friend and her mom who is my friend (even though there is a dad and 3 other siblings) that she said she would like to have move with us.

My older daughter has been staying with me during her Reading Week break from university. I talked about the possibility of moving with my older daughter as well. She agreed that it made more sense for us to move to Vancouver or back to Ontario where more options exist for all of us and where we have family. I told her that I don’t want to move away from her and that my thinking at this point is to wait until she is finished university (3 more years anyways) and for her sister to finish high school (4 more years). We also talked about the pets. As sad as it is to think about it, the reality is that our 12 year old dog would not have to be considered in a move 4 years from now. Flying for him, seven years ago, was so stressful that I wouldn’t put him through that again.

The three of us talked about a four year plan. We discussed making the most of the next 4 years here by visiting places that are more easily accessible living on the west coast. We talked about going to Hawaii, Alaska and Mexico. We have already driven down the west coast to San Diego but there are some interior places that I would still like to visit in California.

At this point, there is no clear cross road in my path. If it was only about me, I would be gone. So in the middle of waiting, I am going to try to live with a 4 year plan to help me prepare for next steps. I am going to register my younger daughter at two high school because she is currently undecided which direction she should follow. I am going to get divorced with an enforceable court ruling on payments owed by Dave and do whatever I can do to get him out of my life. I am going to focus on my health. I am going to liquidate as much of my belongings as possible. I am going to try to rebuild my finances. I am going to plan trips.

Jeremiah 29:11 has always been one of my favourite scriptures and is impressed in my brain. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” So within my 4 year plan, I know God has a plan. It is probably the other way around. Within God’s plan, I am going to focus on my plan for me and my girls and he will handle the rest. I honestly believe it is all for my good. So, I wait.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, other woman, separatiion, unfaithfulness

Do I Really Need to Know Anything about the OW?

Dave emailed me this article last week, “What You Really Need to Know About The Other Woman”. I didn’t read it initially. Cleaning out my inbox today, I decided to see what he sent before deleting. He made no comment, just copied the article and sent it.

My take away from this article:

Dave is the only person to blame for his cheating.
Our marriage was one of those marriages that experienced infidelity when it was not a “bad” marriage.
We have not tried nor do I have any desire to “rebuild our marriage from the rubble”. Dave has made no attempt to do this either and continues to see the other woman so I am not sure why he would send an article from the perspective of a wife who is staying with her cheating husband.
Cheating is awful even from the cheater’s perspective.
The OW has a lot of issues to be able to be an OW in the first place and the cheater has no respect for her at all. She needs help in her life.
My ex and the OW were lonely people with something missing in their life. Happy men and women don’t cheat however see #7.
This is a big one that maybe Dave wants me to know: Statistics support that the majority of men who cheat consider themselves happy in their marriage. Affairs are an escape from other stressors in their life and a way to try to make them feel young and sexy.
What I disagree with is that there is no satisfaction in contacting the OW. I did this once after finding out about the affair and it gave me great satisfaction. I have zero regrets about that one. I don’t know one person who thinks I was crazy to do this. Anyone who knows this story has only given me high praise and expressed admiration and awe for my boldness, courage and ability to stand firm and make the OW face what she did and who she did it against.
I agree that there is no satisfaction in outing the OW. I did this on my blog to tell the entire story. It is what it is and she is who she is. I do not feel any regret about doing it. It is just fact. I don’t feel any regret about telling her husband. That wasn’t intentional. Dave told our daughter and me that she wasn’t married and wasn’t living with anyone or even had a boyfriend. The universe worked that one out and it saved her spouse from the OW continuing her lies and deception to him. Too bad she didn’t have the courage and respect for her husband to do it herself but she is a cheater so I guess that is a given.
Why my husband cheated makes no difference to me 3 years later. He gave me some reasons at the time but they made no sense (I didn’t clean out the garage like he asked) so I don’t know if he has ever really been honest with himself about why he cheated. Maybe he sent this article as a way to try and explain. Still doesn’t matter now. He has never expressed regret and remorse.
I have no obsession with the OW. I agree that she never should have been part of my life and I will do what I can to make sure that she never is part of my life. I don’t want to see her or hear anything about her. I hope she makes sure that doesn’t happen either. I suspect it is quite the other way around. She will have to live with my presence in her life for as long as she stays with my ex and I suspect that her memory of me will last a life time. Hopefully it will be a reminder to never fuck around with a married man again. And when she learns about him cheating on her, I will be the first person she will think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Warrior Post: What You Really Need to Know About the Other Woman

“Anonymous” posted her story on another part of this site in response to what she noticed was a lot of talk and concern and obsession with the Other Woman. Her words are poignant and painful but it’s clear she’s taken a clear-eyed look at her marriage and the role she played in the breakdown of it. As we make very very clear on this site, nobody is to blame for their husband’s cheating. That’s on him. And not all marriages that experience infidelity are “bad”. But some are. And Anonymous took a forensic accounting of her own marriage and what had happened in it and then used that knowledge to understand her husband’s affair and how the two of them could rebuild a marriage from the rubble. ~Elle

The OW debate seems to be showing up more and more on here, so I wanted to share a few things from my story.
In therapy, my H and I had some brutally frank conversations. It took a while to get him to open up but when he did, it all came out. One of the “reasons” behind his A was our crumpling marriage. I couldn’t deny that. We were two people who co-existed in the same house with little connection at all. Days would go by without him having much to say and I just nagged and nagged like usual. It doesn’t excuse his actions but it’s the honest truth of what we were. I learned that my nagging was actually an attempt to get him to pay attention to me. Even bad attention was attention and I was yearning for that. I would constantly yell at him to give me an opinion on something but then I would just override anything he said and make the decision on my own anyways. He felt that I didn’t value him, his opinion or his input on anything so why would he bother to give it any more. One day in therapy, I was raging about the OW, how she seduced him and my husband cracked. He actually said to me “I did this to you! I DID! You think I’m so weak and feeble minded that I’m just nothing, that I could be so blindly tricked into doing this awful thing, that I wasn’t even capable of making this f&@king decision either?!” It really was a breakthrough for me when I realized how little I have made this man feel he was that he was grasping to even be acknowledged for doing something this awful. This was a decision that he made that I couldn’t override him on. I guess the whole bad attention is still attention thing was at play on his part as well.
The other thing that stuck with me was him laughing about the OW seducing him. He told me how the OW had so many insecurities that she’d probably take it as a compliment if someone thought so much of her to have this hypnotic power over men. And that’s when I stopped giving her that power in my mind. She has nothing on me.
I do believe many affairs start with two lonely people looking for something that is missing in their life. It’s not right, it’s so wrong and hurtful but I do think it boils down to that in many cases. The majority of happy men do not cheat. The majority of happy women do not cheat. [ELLE’S NOTE: WHILE I AGREE WITH THIS IN SOME CASES, STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE MAJORITY OF MEN WHO CHEAT CONSIDER THEMSELVES “HAPPY” IN THEIR MARRIAGE. AFFAIRS ARE OFTEN AN ESCAPE FROM OTHER STRESSES, OR A CHANCE TO FEEL YOUNG AND SEXY AGAIN.] As much as it still hurts me, he found something in her even if it was just temporarily. And I blame him for that, just like he asked me to. He was right, he did this to me. I have forgiven him and we are moving towards being better together but I blame solely him. I can’t vilify this OW any more than I vilify him because he was the one who was supposed to cherish me and forsake others. He was the one I had built a life with. He had promised to be my partner in life. To forgive him and understand his flaws did make me think how she probably has her own demons that she’s struggling with. I do still have mean and nasty thoughts towards her but it’s fading every day and sometimes I hope she gets the help she needs so that she can have a second chance at life, too, just like I have given him. (And, then some days, I still wish she loses all her hair overnight, gains 100 pounds, gets horrible adult acne…!!!)

As others have posted, there is NO satisfaction in contacting her. There’s even less satisfaction in outing her to others. I say this from experience. You may think you’ll get some satisfaction but there’s none. Just none. It only makes you feel sadder. I exposed some before we started therapy. It only led to even more self-doubt and self-loathing on my part and a lot of gossip around town about how I was the crazy one. People may agree that you were wronged but they are very uncomfortable with a woman ranting and raving and pointing the finger! I heard more than a few “no wonder he cheated” comments which only fuelled my hysteria! One of my lowest moments in life was yelling at her 80-year-old parents about how their daughter was a whore and I hoped they were proud of her. If I could take that one action back, I would in a second. After I was hung up on by them, I just crumpled and wondered what I had come to. I felt I couldn’t hold my head up any higher than she could, I had handed her that power that I could be just as hurtful as her. And the shame I feel that my children know I did these things is another burden I bear. I teach them all the time that two wrongs don’t make a right, always keep your dignity… and it’s hard for me to not be embarrassed of my actions. I understand them, I have forgiven myself, I understand any one in our position lashing out but looking back, I just am not proud.

For all these reasons, I say let it go with obsession with the OW. I’ve read some stories on here of BS who admitted they were an OW long ago and we still support them because of their pain! And we do that because we are good and compassionate people on here. Take your energy and focus on him. Focus on learning why he did what he did. You have to understand why HE did this in order to move forward. It doesn’t matter why she did, it only matters why he participated. Focus on what you have done to hurt him. And then solely focus on you getting stronger as a couple. Don’t let thoughts of her continue to ruin any progress you are making as a couple. It’s easier said than done but don’t let her continue to be a part of your marriage, she didn’t belong in it before and she doesn’t belong in it now either.

adultery, affair, anger, bullying, children, difficult personality, infidelity, narcissism, separatiion

When Will I Learn?

Thank you for those who responded to my post “He is the Dick in Ridiculous” with your comments about not being able to be nice to a narcissist because they take advantage, they don’t care about specific details, they don’t care about others, that my ex doesn’t care about me and unfortunately our kids are included in this, that I need to avoid all contact with him and WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Okay, lesson learned. I think my youngest daughter has learned, too. I think she learned the lesson before I did. The number of times that her dad has let her down and not kept his word is likely the reason she asks me to follow up with him on her behalf. In an effort to protect her, to be her advocate and to try to get her dad to do right by her I have contacted him on her behalf but it isn’t working for anyone. It leaves us all frustrated–me, my daughter, my ex and anyone who gets in the cross-fire and ends up as a victim of us making plans and commitments based o my ex’s word.

Here is where it stands. He didn’t give my daughter the raffle ticket stubs and money as promised when he picked her up on Saturday night. She has 8 people who have given her money to buy them tickets. She has had to tell them that she can’t get them their tickets until her dad returns the ones that he has and that “he keeps forgetting.”

When she came home last night without the tickets and money I told our daughter that she needed to contact him to see if she can get the tickets Sunday. She did and he never responded. In the morning I asked her if she heard from her dad. She said that he wouldn’t respond because he is going to a Super Bowl party. I told her that the party would be in the afternoon. It is 9:00 a.m. so to follow up with her dad and that we could go and pick up the tickets at 11. Two hours later when he still hadn’t responded I sent him a text and asked if we could pick up the tickets today. If people weren’t counting on my daughter to return the tickets and to get them tickets I wouldn’t care but there is a chain of people that are trying to help my daughter and it is reflecting poorly on her. It looks like she is the one making excuses and being too lazy to do her job of selling, collecting and returning.

He told me that our daughter should have reminded him last night. In his next text he reiterated that if it was so important to her she should have reminded him. In his text after that he said it wasn’t a big deal and that she would get them. In his text after that he said I should have reminded him yesterday and texted something to him when she was with him. In a text after that he said he had plans today and couldn’t go to the office to get them. When I questioned that he didn’t even have the tickets with him while he was with her he texted back that they were going to go by his office after dinner to get them but “we forgot.” So I suggested that our daughter expected then that when he was driving her after dinner that he was going to his office to get the tickets. He said I was putting words in his mouth and that he and my daughter never discussed the tickets.

Amongst all of this, instead of just saying, “Sorry I forgot. It has been a week since I have been promising to get the ticket stubs and money returned, how, where and when can I meet our daughter to give her what she needs.” I get this: “I sold 12 books”, “All you look for is the negative. Change the narrative and you might change your life to something more positive” , “It’s just another talking point for you to blab on about negative. When does it ever stop you being the kind of person you are”, “You spin anything to negative when you have a chance”, “It’s a nice day. Relax and enjoy”, “No one told me about deadlines”, “So typical of you to blame others specifically me for everything”, “You’ve lost it”, “You’d think the world was going to come to an end with these tickets and your misplaced anger”, “You can come by my office for 3 pm”, “You aren’t directing me to do anything”, “Who do you think you are. It’s none of your business”, “It has nothing to do with you”, “You like telling everyone what to do and say”, “You are so predictable. Every time there is a family event you are no longer a part of you always find some way to get angry and start fights, send emails or texts with some negative message. You really should see someone about your anger issues towards me. It’s really pretty sad”, “Look at your history Robbie Liz. Every time family things happen you go off the deep end”, “So typical of you to threaten”, “Come to my office at 3 or tomorrow. Those are your only options”, “It’s no wonder (daughter) feels stressed. You continue to try and throw her into things”, “Wakey, wakey Robbie. Maybe the problem is you because you are around her day to day”, “The only things that matters is you getting some mental help so you don’t continue to project onto others. Particularly our children”, “Please do the rest of us a favour and get the help you need.”

The only thing I focused on in all of his noise was a day, place and time to get the tickets. Today at 3 from his office. I suggested that he respond to our daughter about this arrangement and if he did that I would be happy to bring her there to meet him to get her tickets back. My daughter came and told me that he responded. All she knows is that she asked her dad about getting the tickets back, he responded positively and her mom is going to drive her to get them. All is well in her world right now.

Lesson learned. No more favours to my ex, no more interceding for my kids for any reason, no more contact except for documenting for legal purposes.

adultery, affair, Cancer, control, divorce, infidelity, marriage, melanoma, narcissism, parenting after separation

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good: (Me)

I had my tumor removed yesterday and the doctor felt that it went well. She also took out a 5 mm perimeter around the tumor and went 5 mm deep. That sample is off to pathology. I am being referred to a cancer specialist who’s expertise is melanoma.

The Good: (Dave)

On February 1 Dave paid me the increase in my support payment as per the court order and a couple of hundred more to start covering the additional court order for arrears and court costs. On February 2 he sent me a payment of $3000 toward this amount and he said that he will send me another $3000 today and a payment tomorrow to resolve this order.

The Bad: (Me)

The doctor was frank and told me that she has seen marks smaller than mine caught earlier than mine be fatal. My Irish background has the strongest genetic disposition for melanoma and thinks that I will be advised to have genetic testing. She said that I need to eventually have a discussion with my girls about my diagnosis as they need to be aware for themselves and should also have genetic testing. She told me that Bob Marley died of melanoma. Obviously he has a very different skin type than me. His was on his foot and it was just thought to be a wart. The feet is apparently the worst place to have melanoma as it tends to be the most aggressive.

The Bad: (Dave)

Dave has confirmed he is going to go to send us to court again over pet expenses, the dance expenses and some other outstanding special expenses he doesn’t want to pay. He, also, claimed our older daughter on his taxes as a dependent for his 2014 return when she lived most the time during that year (8 out of the 12 months) with me. He didn’t even pay child support during that period. He knows that wasn’t right but it is more to his tax advantage. That doesn’t matter and now I am being taxed $732 for rightfully claiming her. I told Dave that he can pay me that amount if his tax savings is more and it has to be by February 5 so I don’t have to pay interest or this will become another Revenue Canada (he can be reassessed and have to pay more plus interest) and another legal issue. He said he isn’t paying and is going to fight his support payments because he thinks he missed something in mediation in my documentation that may have affected what he is paying.

The Ugly: (Me)

The cancerous mark on my right upper shoulder is actually called an “ugly duckling”. I am attaching a picture just so you can see what it looks like in case you ever see this on your body or some one else’s body.

20160111_151352

The Ugly: (Dave)

I am getting very adept at identifying the unreasonable, misplaced anger, blame and threatening dialogue of my ex.

He has been fairly consistent at picking up our daughter on Thursday night to take her to get dinner. He usually picks her up at 5:30 and drops her off by 7:30 at the latest, but usually earlier.

I contacted him on Tuesday to say that our daughter wasn’t able to meet him this Thursday so would he like to see her Friday night or Saturday instead. I don’t think that she has ever cancelled a Thursday night.

He said that wasn’t acceptable because he made plans for her to have dinner with his parents who are visiting for the month of February. He texted her and she told him that she was going to an open house that was being held at one of the high schools she is interested in attending in September.

I told Dave that she was sick too (she is off school today) so that might prevent her from doing anything. His response: “Oh but you can plan to take her to Claremont when you know my parents are here…big surprise.”

I told him that I have no control over when high schools hold their open house. It runs from 6 – 8 and she has a cavity to get filled before that at 4:30 p.m. Again, if she still feels like she does, she might not attend anything. I reminded him that his parents are here for a month and they can see her whenever she isn’t at school or dance practice or have plans that are important to her.

His response: “Oh thanks…as usual you do your own thing around your schedule not others. If (daughter) isn’t coming for dinner then there is no reason for me to be up the peninsula so she will have to wait until Saturday to get the raffle tickets and money.”

abuse of power, adutery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, ego, infidelity, lying, passive/aggressive, separatiion

He is the Dick in Ridiculous

My daughter’s dance company is selling raffle tickets for their annual fundraiser. Tickets are only $2.00 and first prize is airfare for two. There is also the prize of a mini iPad for the dancer who sells the most tickets.

Ticket sales are moving more quickly than anticipated and we only printed out 3000 tickets. We are not able to print any more due to the gaming license rules. As such, the treasurer implemented a rule to try to keep the selling fair for everyone. You have to return your book of ticket stubs (10 tickets per book) with the money in order to receive another book. I had already collected money from friends before I learned about the rule. I paid for my tickets up front with their money but didn’t want to fill out the stubs on their behalf. I was given the 6 books for them to fill out.

On Sunday, Dave contacted me saying he needed raffle tickets. I asked him how many he wanted and he said, “as many as you can”. I explained the rule to him and that the treasurer wasn’t going to be available until Tuesday at 6:30 p.m. to collect ticket stubs, money and provide any new books. I told him that I had books that were already sold but that I hadn’t had a chance to see my friends yet to complete the entries. I said that he could have my books providing he gives them back with the payment by Tuesday so that I can get replacement books. He texted that he would have them sold by tomorrow, Monday. When he picked our daughter up for dinner on Sunday she gave him my 6 books of tickets.

When my daughter got home from school today, Monday, I asked about her dad’s plan to return the tickets. She said that he was bringing them over tonight on his way to pick up his parents from the airport. They were arriving at 10:30. p.m. I texted Dave at 3:34 p.m. to confirm what time he was coming and that our daughter would go out to meet him to get the tickets. He said that he didn’t sell all the tickets because people were “straggling in with their money.” I asked him if he could drop off the 3 books that he said that he did sell since he was coming this way (I live 5 minutes from the airport) and asked if he could pay upfront for the people who he knew were going to buy the other books ($60) as I needed to replace those tickets for my friends.

He told me that I had to go to him to get the tickets on Tuesday. He asked me to go to his office at 7:00 a.m. and to call him first. He would come down to meet me as I wasn’t to come up because I am banned from the premises. He told me that was my only option as he was busy otherwise.

I told him that I didn’t understand whey he couldn’t just drop off the tickets as he planned especially because he was driving right past my place tonight on the way to the airport. If he couldn’t leave 5 minutes earlier to get his parents I suggested I would be awake and he could drop them off after he picked up his parents. I reminded him that I gave him my tickets as a favour to him but also in an effort to help our daughter sell more tickets. I told him that if I didn’t have the tickets back by Tuesday that I couldn’t get any more books to sell, (I had already sold another one in the mean time) and that there was a good possibility they would be sold out. I reminded him that the ones I gave him were already paid for by others so then those people will be disappointed if they don’t end up getting tickets after all. The only reason I gave them to him is because he said he would have them sold by Monday and would get them back to me before Tuesday. I offered to go to the airport to get the tickets that night so he didn’t have to stop along the way. I reluctantly shared that I had surgery on Tuesday so that it was not possible to meet him that day. I asked him to have some compassion instead of asking me to run around to him. I told him someone else was driving me to and from my procedure and that I wasn’t going to have them inconvenienced further to drive me into town to his office so early especially when he made such a big deal previously about me ever going there.

His text response: “Compassion for what? Like you show for me and meet me half way to get (daughter)? I have a life. I won’t be coming home with my parents until after 11 p.m. If it takes just a few seconds then come sometime tomorrow and pick up. I’m not a tour delivery service. You leave everything to last minute and then try to blame shit on me. You’re on the executive. Make it work. If not it has to wait. I’m sure you’ll try to find a way to add it as an extraordinary expense and claim it later. So you won’t inconvenience someone but you’ll inconvenience my parents when they’ve come from a long day of travel and its 2:30 a.m. their time. Typical of you. I have no reason to be up the peninsula tomorrow so if you don’t come get them it will have to wait until Thursday. I don’t even have the tickets. They are at the office. Figure it out and stop being a bitch. You reap what you sow. You can’t say, write and do the things you do and think I’m doing you any favours. You have all day tomorrow so figure it out. You think I can adjust my schedule but why don’t you? You have an appointment tomorrow. So what. It won’t take you all day I’m sure. This isn’t my issue. You are the author of your own misfortune. But as usual you’ll find a way to blame me for your issue. ”

I just told him that he could return his tickets and his money to the treasurer directly himself at one of the times she indicated this week she would be at the studio, (he gets the emails with this information, too). I informed him that I would be recovering from my surgery tomorrow and that I was going to let go of worrying about how I was going to get replacement tickets.

When will I learn that there is no benefit in doing my ex a favour even if I think it will benefit my daughter. His word will never hold any validity and if he can use it as an opportunity to punish, control and withhold from me he will.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, children, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, family, infidelity, melanoma

Cancer

Sometime in 2012, when I was under the illusion that I was happily married, I noticed a dark mark on my right upper arm. At first I thought it was my vaccination mark. Then I realized that my vaccination is on my left arm and that it looked the same as always. This was something new.

That summer I went to my doctor’s office to have it checked. My doctor was on vacation so I consulted the locum taking her place. She examined the mark but felt that it was nothing and suggested that I just watch it for changes.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years now that my life has finally settled enough for me to consider my own health. I went to my doctor for my first physical since my separation. I showed my doctor the mark and she was concerned. She said she was sure it was a basal cell carcinoma, the best kind of skin cancer to have, but that it needed to be removed. She referred me to a specialist.

The specialist had a different concern. She looked at the cells through a special microscope and said that she didn’t like what she was seeing. She was surprised at how large the mark was and said that it was too big for her to remove without leaving terrible scarring. She was going on holidays at the end of the week but wanted it biopsied before she left. She asked her nurse to book time for me, even if it meant she had to stay late one night because we needed to see what we were dealing with as quickly as possible.

She cut out an elliptical cross-section of the mark. She sewed the skin back up with dissolving stitches in the under layers and nylon stitches on top. I returned 2 weeks later to have the top stitches removed but the pathology report still wasn’t in. She said she was going to follow up directly with the lab to get the report.

Tonight I received a call from the specialist from her home after hours. The pathology report confirms that I have the aggressive and most dangerous skin cancer, melanoma. I have to call her office tomorrow to make an appointment to go back in next week to determine the next steps.

Melanoma is the least common of skin cancers but it causes the most deaths. If it is not treated early enough it can spread through the blood stream to other parts of the body making it difficult to treat. I feel like close to 4 years of this growth on my body is not early intervention.

I am disappointed with myself for not following my gut that this was something that needed to be removed when I first found it. I am also being compassionate with myself though. It is very fresh in my mind the last 3 years of hell that have been my reality. Especially because many aspects of that daily battle still exist. When I reflect back on what I was dealing with emotionally and the tasks that I had to perform physically and mentally, all by myself, just surviving each day was a victory in itself. The worry and stress I carried for me and my children and the responsibilities that were now solely dumped on me along with the impact of the consequences of my husband bailing on his family buried me. It is no wonder that my own physical well-being fell so low on the priority list.

So as I read an email that Dave just sent addressed to “Robo McBlobo” I am reminded that I have strength of character, perseverance, faith, hope and trust in a greater purpose that will allow me to deal with whatever this cancer has in store for me.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, legal obligations, marriage, pets, the other woman, Uncategorized

It is about Fair Compensation, Not Winning

I guess last week’s court ruling didn’t phase Dave. The court orders were sent to his lawyer and Dave still has not provided me with the support arrears payment or my court costs.

Instead, Dave sent me an email telling me that we have “a fundamental difference of opinion”. He plans to continue to fight me in court with respect to refusing to pay any pet expenses. He believes that his support payments should cover those expenses and even though he agreed in mediation to pay 50% of the pet expenses he wants a court to rule.

He believes that the same holds true for our daughter’s dance expenses. He wrote that he agrees to pay for 70% of her “dance lessons” (even though our mediation agreement says “dance expenses”). But Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of her dance shoes (she can’t participate unless she wears proper footwear in each class–ballet shoes, pointe shoes, tap shoes, hip hop shoes, jazz shoes, and foot undies for Lyrical). Plus our daughter is enrolled in competitive dance classes. Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of the competition or festival fees, or any travel expenses to get her to the competitions. And yet, when we signed her up he knew all of these expenses are part of our daughter taking dance. This is her 7th year dancing at this studio so it isn’t a sudden surprise we have to pay for these things.

Why does a parent pay for all of these things when they are part of a family without any issue yet when they decide to fool around and leave the family they feel their kids should do without? Did they every love their child? I don’t believe Dave ever did love our children more than he loves himself.

It isn’t a financial issue. I saw his bank account balance in his court documentation. He can certainly afford to pay. His dividend cheque alone that he deposited for one month is more than my entire year income by 1 1/2 times and he will have another one in a couple of months. I have managed to pay these expenses without going into debt but it has meant me and my children had to do without in other areas. It has been a 3 year struggle. I try to spend wisely and cautiously and I abhor the wasteful cost of having to fight for our rights. I can’t afford the alternative either. The Divorcemate calculations are tested and considered fair and equal to both parents based on their earnings. Dave doesn’t want to do without for himself and I wonder how much influence the Other Woman is applying.

He wrote to me today saying that “the court speaks clearly” on these items and “it’s not that complicated.” I believe this to be true, in our child’s favour and our pets’ favour, not his. My lawyer doesn’t go to court to lose and she is very mindful of my financial situation. We have accepted chiselled down reimbursement by Dave every time in the interest of avoiding court and its costs but I cannot be taken advantage of by him any further and this is the only way to put an end to it.

Then Dave added: “The reality is that there is no negotiation with you. You want to win. So you end up submitting ridiculous expenses like $5.49 for this or that. Or even the fact that you mention the expenses are now being divided 71-29 rather than the current 70-30 and I will owe extra. It’s so ridiculous and counterproductive. That’s why nothing ever gets done with you. You take silly positions and then spend thousands on your lawyer for what? Just so you can say you won? But in the end you’re paying thousands out that could be used for many other things.”

This is the exact thing I would say back to him. I have no idea what he thinks there is to win. I just want fair compensation.

He sums up his email as follows: “So while I appreciate the “offer to negotiate” with you, the past has spoken very clearly that isn’t something you really want to do unless you get everything you demand. You’ve proven to be unreasonable and submitting unending expenses regardless of the value. I’m tired of this constant badgering and so I’m left with no choice but to let the courts decide what is or isn’t reasonable.”

I find it so interesting that he is trying to make me look like the bad person just for submitting expenses to him that he agreed to pay because he considers the amount to be too minor. That shows that money is not a concern to him and that it is a day-to-day worry for me. There will be an end to the expenses at some point in time but currently we share pets together and our daughter participates in dance so there will be ongoing expenses. David should have expected that when he agreed to adopt 3 pets into our family and when he decided to have children. I appreciate that he has decided to leave the family and it would be much more convenient if he could just continue to run away from his responsibilities associated with his family, too.

Dave feels badgered simply because there are consequences to his actions that he prefers to ignore. He is now being held accountability for his failure to honour agreements, take care of his responsibilities, follow court rules, pay bills and for making stupid decisions in his life. Dave’s decision to just let the courts decide saves him from having to own his life decisions and accept the consequences now. He will avoid, delay and refuse for as long as that works for him. When he loses he will just blame the courts, his lawyer and he will continue to blame me.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, bullying, court, divorce, infidelity, legal proceedings, litigation, Uncategorized

The Court Sends A Strong Message

Dave chose not to attend court today. His lawyer was present.

On November 23, 2015 my lawyer contacted Dave’s lawyer to advise that I gave her instructions to pursue Dave in court for the outstanding expenses he continued to refuse to pay as per our mediation agreement. These included pet expenses, dance expenses, alterations to my daughter’s grad dress, and orthodontic expenses. His share totalled $1212.11.

We were also asking Dave to increase my spousal and child support from July 1, 2015 to January, 31, 2016 as per our agreement based on our 2014 income information.

We were asking Dave to pay our older daughter’s school account that he still hasn’t paid for the September 2014 – June 2015 school year and where my name is still included as being responsible for this account. This amount is over $1200. Our daughter was living with him at the time these expenses were incurred.

We were asking for Dave to provide me with interest on the RRSP amount he was to roll over to me on November 6, 2014 that I have yet to receive.

We asked him to provide details of the life insurance that he was to get in November 2014.

We asked for information from his bank outlining all bank accounts he had at the time of our separation because there were unexplained transactions leading us to believe he carried an undisclosed bank account.

We asked for details of RESP accounts for both our daughters that he had control of and failed to disclose at mediation and has failed to provide details about.

My lawyer filed our documents on December 4. Dave has to meet the court rules and provide a response within 5 days. When my lawyer hadn’t received anything by December 9 she contacted his lawyer. He had a lot of excuses for the delay and urged my solicitor to push our December 17 court date to January 20, 2016. She did. She asked that Dave’s response be at her office by January 11 so she had time to review it. When it wasn’t received by this time she contacted Dave’s lawyer again. She told him that she was in court on Thursday and Friday and then after court on Friday she had to fly to Vancouver for a family death. She needed the documents by Wednesday in order to have time to review them. Dave’s lawyer served her on Friday at 3:50 p.m. when he knew she wasn’t available to receive them. She did not receive Dave’s affidavit until Monday morning, 2 days before our scheduled court date.

I did manage to drop everything to respond to Dave’s 21 points in case Dave’s affidavit was admitted into court despite him failing to meet the filing deadline. My lawyer filed our response to Dave’s affidavit the night before our court appearance. The judge therefore had none of this information.

The judge ruled Dave’s affidavit was inadmissible. Dave’s lawyer had to try to explain why Dave ignored court rules but instead tried to just make excuses why the judge should hear his evidence. The judge again asked why he should admit Dave’s affidavit when Dave was “thumbing his nose at the rules”, “inconveniencing the courts”, “not abiding by the rules that are in place to avoid hearings by ambush”. Dave’s lawyer finally conceded there was no excuse.

Dave’s lawyer’s big mistake was still trying to get his client’s affidavit admitted by using the words “in the name of Justice.” The judge said, (and I might be paraphrasing a little but I wrote down as many of his comments as I could): In the name of justice we should be able to move forward today because your client responded to the action brought against him in accordance to the rules. Instead, he has played every game he can play. He has not done his job. He makes north of $100,000 more than the claimant. He controls everything. He has applied the pressure to the claimant, hammered her against the wall and twiddled his thumbs for a year plus. He has forced her to make an application to the court. Why doesn’t he give his paycheck over to the claimant and let her decide how much he should have? I bet the claimant would love to have his difficulties. What in the world do we have to control people like him if we don’t have court rules. He just waits in the weeds. We need to send a message to people like him that we are not kidding.

The judge then ruled that he found it fit to not receive his evidence because Dave’s actions are to be frowned upon. Otherwise, it is just a license for people to show up last minute and cry “in the interest of justice.” The lower income party has been on the short end of the stick. The higher income party was well equipped to be able to do what mattered and he chose not to. He used the court as a way to apply pressure to squeeze the side with the least means. There will be financial consequences to Mr. Cherrie for essentially his “bare faced ignoring of court rules.”

As such, I won all the orders we were seeking. Dave was ordered to pay me spousal support and child support arrears in the amount that was agreed upon prior to the court hearing. In fact 7/10 of the items we were seeking were agreed upon by Dave’s lawyer prior to us being heard which made the judge indicate that if Dave had have filed on time court may have been avoided all together. Dave was ordered to pay me TODAY support arrears in the amount of $5663, to start paying me an increase in spousal and child support as of February 1, 2015 plus an additional $1300 in punitive damages to pay my court fees and legal fees. The judge also said that if we have to come back to court on any of these issues that Dave will be ordered to pay my costs again.

In essence, Dave just spent $2600 (both of our court costs) to fight me on $1200 worth of expenses. While he was scrambling to get his documents in just before our proceedings he agreed to pay the support arrears (although he tried to haggle off $28/month from the calculation) and tried to send over some documentation that we requested in our order but still didn’t satisfy what we required. What a waste of time, energy and money. We ran out of time so the expense issue had to be adjourned. Therefore, Dave will still have to go back to court with me to fight those expenses and we are still asking for costs because they are agreed upon expenses. We will be back in court unless Dave pays me in full. I have no more patience for this man and the court agrees.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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