adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, divorce, ex spouse, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

He let the Bat out of the Cave

It was my youngest daughter’s recital on the weekend.  She danced in 4 shows.  She had 7 dances in the Saturday evening show and 4 dances in the Sunday afternoon show.  The other 2 shows she just danced in the final production number.

When my husband left us for another woman he decided that it no longer mattered if my daughter had anyone watching her perform.  He certainly has been a “no show” at many of her events. Where we used to support her completely as a family and go to all her shows, he now may pick just one main one.  She has no other family who live locally to come and watch her and this year none of her grandparents flew in for recital. She has worked so hard all year practicing for this final event that it would make me sad to think that she didn’t have anyone personal in the audience attending specifically for her.  I usually buy an extra ticket and invite a girlfriend to come and watch just so she has more people to cheer her on and appreciate her talent and hard work.

In that respect, I was fine with my ex bringing “the other woman”. I just wanted my daughter to feel like people cared enough to come and see her and if that is what gets her dad out then so be it. It is the first time he has brought the OW out to something where he hasn’t hidden with her in the back and ducked out early.

I was walking down the aisle of the theatre with my older daughter to find our seats before the show started when my daughter exclaimed, “Oh well look at who is here.” She walked up and talked to her dad and Janice Andrews and when I realized who she was talking to I just kept going. I spoke to a friend who caught my attention as we were sitting in the same row and I was trying to figure out where in the row my seats were located. She said, “Yuck, did you see who is behind us?”  Interestingly enough she was sitting with her ex.  They always attend things as a family to support their daughter.  I just smiled and said that I better go around to the other side to access my seats.  Thankfully, I was sitting well away from my ex and the OW.  While I was walking to my seat another family engaged me in conversation and my thoughts were long from my ex already.  I had a glass of wine and was very excited for the show.

At intermission, my ex and the OW didn’t leave their seats.  My older daughter went to talk to them and after coming back from the washroom I stopped at seats just in front of them to speak to friends who had just returned from celebrating their wedding anniversary in Hawaii.

When the show was finished we all met outside at the backstage door and encouraged my daughter.  The OW didn’t say anything. When we were ready to go my ex and the OW walked ahead hand in hand.  It wasn’t even weird that my husband was holding hands with someone else. I have no emotional tie to him or them at all.  There was nothing about them that made me care what they did, where they were going or how they got there.  I was happy to be with my girls and to be going home with them.

I was back to see my daughter perform her 4 dances the next afternoon show and to go out for lunch with her afterwards between shows.  Her dad did not come to watch.  He obviously had more important things to do.

 

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, divorce, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

The Mystery Poo

My older daughter sent me a screen shot of a message she received from her dad today.

Dad:  Did you come by my place to use the bathroom?

Daughter:  No? I am at work in Sidney. Why?

Dad: Over the weekend?

Daughter: No not at all.  Why?

Dad: There was a turd in my toilet.

Daughter: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!  I haven’t been there.

Maybe I’ll get a call from the police tomorrow questioning me as to whether or not I have a key to my ex’s place and asking for a sample of my DNA to rule out it belonging to me.  Another nutty complaint in the police file he and Janice are building against me.

Not sure if he was away with Janice over the weekend or away with someone else.  Maybe he’s copied a key to his place to one too many women and someone is sending him a stinky message.  I know he gave another girl at their work (the one I suspected he was having the affair with) his apartment key while he was away so she could come in and feed his fish.

Or it is the just the universe’s way of re-gifting what he has figuratively given to me and our girls so many other times during the past 3 years.

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, separatiion, the other woman

Crappy Dance Dad

Dance competition season is here.

My 13-year old daughter competed on Friday performing her Jazz solo routine.  She came in second place and she won the Spirit Award.  Her dad was a no-show.

Tonight after her competition she asked me, “Was Janice there?”

I said, “I don’t know, was your dad there because I didn’t see him?”  She said, “I thought I saw Janice and it made me almost mess up my tap routine.”

While we were driving home her dad texted her and said, “Were you happy with your jazz routine?”

She texted back, “Did you see it?”

She then told him that if he had been there he would have heard the adjudicators give her individualized, very specific critiques about both of her tap and jazz solo routines. He would have heard that they only hand out 2 prizes, first and second place.  He would have seen her receive the second place award.  He would have seen her receive roses from the judges. He would have learned that first place and second place are now moving on to compete at Provincials.  He would have learned that his daughter achieved one of her goals and desires and is invited to Provincials for the first time in her life.

My daughter was congratulated by so many people.  People were taking her photo and photos of the first and second place winners. Her dad was not one of those people. He texted saying, “I didn’t stay because I just thought there were going to be comments and I didn’t know there were going to be awards.”

I was trying not to express how angry I was by his texts as she read them to me. I could hear her disappointment that her dad might have been there but couldn’t even be bothered to stay until the end. I thought, “I have been with her at dance from 10:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. today and you couldn’t bother to sit through commentary by very prestigious and accomplished judges specifically about your daughter’s dancing ability during her solos?”

Of all the times to bring the other woman because it just makes her look too uninterested to stay and that her dad once again put this woman as priority over her.  My daughter tried to protect her dad and make excuses for him by saying, “He probably left so Janice didn’t have to see you.” I didn’t respond.  I’ve been going through this for 3 years.  I have so much compassion for my daughter right now. I felt her sadness and disappointment. The highest dance honour she has received will be another reminded of her dad’s absence. I don’t need to reason with my child.  She knows the truth. I just vent here instead and her dad just puts more distance in his relationship with her.

I really tried hard not to let her dad’s indifference overshadow her amazing experience.  I took her to get a treat to celebrate and we focused on talking about all the great things that happened today at the competition.  I am so proud of her.  I am so proud of how hard she has worked for this and didn’t give up when she was feeling discouraged about her routine. I am so grateful that I was able to be there to share in her joy and to be part of her life and that she knows that.

We are back at it tomorrow from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. as my daughter competes in all 3 sessions, morning, afternoon and evening, with her group dances. I am so tired but I am so lucky!

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, dating, infidelity, other woman, separatiion

I Don’t Feel Like Talking About Him

I have 18 drafts that I have started but haven’t been able to finish.  A thought comes to mind, an insight, a discovery, new drama, old memories, next legal steps, etc. but they don’t hold my attention long enough to do anything more than string sentences together to form vague outlines.

I really want my ex out of my life and anything around our previous life together, his affair, the other woman, and his ongoing idiocy just bores me.  I am so done with him.

Interestingly, he is still hiding the other woman from me.  He must have seen me walk out from my place the other day before he came to pick up our daughter.  I never saw him until I was turning off my cul de sac onto the next street.  I checked left to make sure there was no traffic and there was his vehicle stopped in front of a neighbouring house just before my street. He and the other woman were in his truck.  I just chuckled.  Shame, fear, embarrassment, cowardice, whatever they feel that they need to still hide from me affects me little.  I tried to come up with a feeling.  Maybe disgust, maybe repulsion, but honestly it was more indifference.  I was very happy with where I was going and who I was going to meet that my feeling was simply, “I could care less.”  He is nothing to me.  She is nothing to me.

It is 3 years this month since we separated.  We will have another court proceeding in the near future but I feel like things are coming towards the end. I hope to have a legal divorce with our next court appearance.

I was just thinking about my ex still not doing anything to officially end our relationship and finalize ties. It is always me pushing to wrap things up. Dave continues to avoid, ignore, refuse and deny until he is forced to respond to legal documents and even then he fails to act. I think he is just floating around in some imaginary world he created that still isn’t satisfying whatever lack he feels. Even his lawyer showed his surprise at our last court date in January that we still weren’t divorced. He joked about the ways Dave is wasting so much money specifically referencing his refusal to just continue with our joint Costco membership (he went out and paid for a new one) and for not paying for “family” medical services which is a lesser amount than us all paying individually. Dave makes  decisions to try to hurt or punish me but I am so used to these now. They are just obstacles he throws in my path to detract from my goal of completely separating our lives from each other and finalizing our divorce. They don’t cause me to react any longer.  I just do what I have to do to remove them.  I think the lousy decision to fool around with the other woman weights him down. I think his burdens paralyze him to act in any reasonable and caring fashion. I think he misdirects his hate, anger and blame at me instead of heaping it on himself.  It also might just be that he is a narcissistic dick.

As for me, I finally feel like I am ready to date. I have done the work that I needed to do in order to be able to move on. There are still items to finalize but the end is closer than ever and I am feeling very optimistic about things. I have been very impressed with the caliber of men who have asked me out. I finally feel available to accept another man’s attention and I feel like I am in a great space to be able to give back and focus my attention on someone else.

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, Christianity, divorce, faith, God, melanoma, separatiion, Spirituality, the other woman

A Spreading Cancer and a beautiful Crater

I met with the doctor on Friday afternoon, last week.  She was held up in the operating room at the hospital so she was late getting back to her office. There were two patients for her to see before me so it was close to 3:30 when I finally got to meet with her.

The melanoma in my right arm has spread beyond the 5 mm perimeter on one side.  Therefore, I require more surgery. My doctor wanted me to come in on Sunday.  I told her I was leaving in the morning for March break. I was leaving with a girlfriend and her two daughters along with my daughter for a road trip. We had reservations at the Running Y Ranch Resort in Klamath Falls, Oregon for Saturday.  We booked to stay for the week (an amazing deal of only $150/week for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo) but we planned on leaving Thursday to go to Portland as our girls are in a dance competition.  It would be a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles and then another 10 hour drive to our destination so I really couldn’t delay the trip for 2 days without disappointing 4 other people.

We discussed the risks of waiting.  My doctor said if it was a basal cell carcinoma she would say it was okay to wait but she reminded me we are dealing with melanoma and “ideally” it should come out today.  She said there were two benefits of waiting.  Firstly, the scar on my arm is very tight.  The longer it has to heal the more chance there is skin for her to pull back over my wound.  She also said waiting until I get back would give her time to try and see if she could order a small batch of skin bond glue.  It is very expensive and I will have to pay for it.  She said she would see if she could order just enough for my procedure.  It will cost about $50.

So I made the decision to carry on with my trip. I booked my surgery for the first available appointment my doctor had after Easter which is the end of March break.

I do not regret my decision, at this point anyway. We are having an amazing time.  The resort was beautiful.  We made a lot of use out of the huge pool that we had to ourselves a lot of the time.  We enjoyed the Shriner circus, shopped, explored the lava beds in California, the Wildlife Refuge, climbed mountains, descended into caves, went on self-guided nature walks, visited Petroglyphs and learned a lot about the Madoc and Klamath Indian battles with the white settlers.

The highlight was being able to experience the awe of Crater Lake. We had wanted to go early in the week but due to snow storms there was no visibility even if we could make the drive up there.  We were able to view the webcams around the lake from our resort lobby. There was no visibility. It was fogged in.  The road was completely snow packed. The road had been closed the entire time we were in Klamath Falls but we heard that you could snow shoe from the Visitor Station to the rim in about 30 minutes. We decided to chance it on our way back towards Portland. It was a clear, sunny and warm day. It turns out that the road reopened just two hours before we arrived so we were able to drive up to the rim.

It was a very spiritual experience for me. The half million years it took for Mount Mazama to form.  Then the battle that was brewing inside it until it’s final eruption 7,700 years ago. So violent was that eruption that the foundation cracked in a complete circle and the entire mountain collapsed in destruction. When all that was left was the empty, scarred caldera it became filled with melted snow to form the deepest lake in the United States and possibly the purest source of water in the world. It was a real reminder to me of how the most difficult and traumatic experiences in our life that completely leave us depleted can be filled with everything good and pure and turn our lives into the most beautiful, unimaginable creations.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, Christianity, divorce, God, infidelity, moving on, other woman, separatiion, single parent, unfaithfulness

Waiting

I feel like my life is on hold.

I have a cancer diagnosis hanging over my head.  My stitches were removed yesterday but the pathology report remains outstanding.  My doctor is watching for the results and promised to call me directly.

Even though the stitches are out the area will take a year to heal.  The doctor explained that there is a lot of repairing still to take place inside. The outside skin is very weak and the wound can reopen so there are still limitations in what I am able to do with my arm.

I usually start my run clinic at this time of year preparing for races.  This is the first time in 6 years I haven’t joined Sole Sisters.  When Dave and I initially separated he said he would pick up our daughter on Tuesday nights so I could continue to run with my group.  That was only because it worked for his schedule.  Now that it doesn’t, I am picking up my daughter from dance on clinic night.   I was going to join a different group on a different day or try training on my own or with a friend who used to coach running but with my 2 surgeries and diagnosis it seemed like a waste of money until I know if I will have to have further testing and treatment.

My ex is still fighting me on so many issues.  We are waiting for his compliance on the court orders before returning to court on outstanding issues and new ones. He did pay me the support arrears and court cost amount but he has several other orders with actions to complete and information to provide. As usual, the information he did provide is incomplete or insufficient so my lawyer has had to write to his lawyer again making further requests.

I am only staying in Victoria at this time because of my children.  I have tried for the last 3 years, in the midst of the destruction of our family and finances, to do what I could to keep the daily lives of my children stable. I don’t want to take our younger daughter away from her dad, her friends or her dance studio but we have talked about moving.  She said she would move if we could go to Florida.  I asked why and she said it was warm and she liked all the places we have stayed there. Both of her grandparents go there for the winter months and one of my best friends lives there. I told her that it is too difficult to get into the States to reside.  She suggested we move up island but I told her that I didn’t really see the benefit.  She wants us to have a house and our own space. Housing costs are less up island but I told her that if she was going to move hours away from her dad and friends the reality is that she wouldn’t get to see them very often.  We may as well go where we would really like to go or have a reason to go. She said she would move anywhere if her best friend and her mom came with us.  I said that all of their family is here and her best friend’s mom has a career so that was very unlikely to happen.  She mentioned one other dance friend and her mom who is my friend (even though there is a dad and 3 other siblings) that she said she would like to have move with us.

My older daughter has been staying with me during her Reading Week break from university. I talked about the possibility of moving with my older daughter as well.  She agreed that it made more sense for us to move to Vancouver or back to Ontario where more options exist for all of us and where we have family.  I told her that I don’t want to move away from her and that my thinking at this point is to wait until she is finished university (3 more years anyways) and for her sister to finish high school (4 more years). We also talked about the pets. As sad as it is to think about it, the reality is that our 12 year old dog would not have to be considered in a move 4 years from now. Flying for him, seven years ago, was so stressful that I wouldn’t put him through that again.

The three of us talked about a four year plan.  We discussed making the most of the next 4 years here by visiting places that are more easily accessible living on the west coast.  We talked about going to Hawaii, Alaska and Mexico. We have already driven down the west coast to San Diego but there are some interior places that I would still like to visit in California.

At this point, there is no clear cross road in my path. If it was only about me, I would be gone.  So in the middle of waiting, I am going to try to live with a 4 year plan to help me prepare for next steps. I am going to register my younger daughter at two high school because she is currently undecided which direction she should follow. I am going to get divorced with an enforceable court ruling on payments owed by Dave and do whatever I can do to get him out of my life.  I am going to focus on my health. I am going to liquidate as much of my belongings as possible. I am going to try to rebuild my finances. I am going to plan trips.

Jeremiah 29:11 has always been one of my favourite scriptures and is impressed in my brain.  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” So within my 4 year plan, I know God has a plan. It is probably the other way around. Within God’s plan, I am going to focus on my plan for me and my girls and he will handle the rest. I honestly believe it is all for my good. So, I wait.

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, other woman, separatiion, unfaithfulness

Do I Really Need to Know Anything about the OW?

Dave emailed me this article last week, “What You Really Need to Know About The Other Woman”.  I didn’t read it initially. Cleaning out my inbox today, I decided to see what he sent before deleting.  He made no comment, just copied the article and sent it.

My take away from this article:

  1. Dave is the only person to blame for his cheating.
  2. Our marriage was one of those marriages that experienced infidelity when it was not a “bad” marriage.
  3. We have not tried nor do I have any desire to “rebuild our marriage from the rubble”.  Dave has made no attempt to do this either and continues to see the other woman so I am not sure why he would send an article from the perspective of a wife who is staying with her cheating husband.
  4.  Cheating is awful even from the cheater’s perspective.
  5. The OW has a lot of issues to be able to be an OW in the first place and the cheater has no respect for her at all.  She needs help in her life.
  6. My ex and the OW were lonely people with something missing in their life.  Happy men and women don’t cheat however see #7.
  7. This is a big one that maybe Dave wants me to know:  Statistics support that the majority of men who cheat consider themselves happy in their marriage.  Affairs are an escape from other stressors in their life and a way to try to make them feel young and sexy.
  8.  What I disagree with is that there is no satisfaction in contacting the OW.  I did this once after finding out about the affair and it gave me great satisfaction. I have zero regrets about that one.  I don’t know one person who thinks I was crazy to do this.  Anyone who knows this story has only given me high praise and expressed admiration and awe for my boldness, courage and ability to stand firm and make the OW face what she did and who she did it against.
  9. I agree that there is no satisfaction in outing the OW.  I did this on my blog to tell the entire story.  It is what it is and she is who she is.  I do not feel any regret about doing it.  It is just fact.  I don’t feel any regret about telling her husband.  That wasn’t intentional.  Dave told our daughter and me that she wasn’t married and wasn’t living with anyone or even had a boyfriend. The universe worked that one out and it saved her spouse from the OW continuing her lies and deception to him. Too bad she didn’t have the courage and respect for her husband to do it herself but she is a cheater so I guess that is a given.
  10. Why my husband cheated makes no difference to me 3 years later.  He gave me some reasons at the time but they made no sense (I didn’t clean out the garage like he asked) so I don’t know if he has ever really been honest with himself about why he cheated.  Maybe he sent this article as a way to try and explain. Still doesn’t matter now. He has never expressed regret and remorse.
  11. I have no obsession with the OW.  I agree that she never should have been part of my life and I will do what I can to make sure that she never is part of my life.  I don’t want to see her or hear anything about her.  I hope she makes sure that doesn’t happen either. I suspect it is quite the other way around.  She will have to live with my presence in her life for as long as she stays with my ex and I suspect that her memory of me will last a life time.  Hopefully it will be a reminder to never fuck around with a married man again.  And when she learns about him cheating on her, I will be the first person she will think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Warrior Post: What You Really Need to Know About the Other Woman

“Anonymous” posted her story on another part of this site in response to what she noticed was a lot of talk and concern and obsession with the Other Woman. Her words are poignant and painful but it’s clear she’s taken a clear-eyed look at her marriage and the role she played in the breakdown of it. As we make very very clear on this site, nobody is to blame for their husband’s cheating. That’s on him. And not all marriages that experience infidelity are “bad”. But some are. And Anonymous took a forensic accounting of her own marriage and what had happened in it and then used that knowledge to understand her husband’s affair and how the two of them could rebuild a marriage from the rubble. ~Elle

  1. The OW debate seems to be showing up more and more on here, so I wanted to share a few things from my story.
    In therapy, my H and I had some brutally frank conversations. It took a while to get him to open up but when he did, it all came out. One of the “reasons” behind his A was our crumpling marriage. I couldn’t deny that. We were two people who co-existed in the same house with little connection at all. Days would go by without him having much to say and I just nagged and nagged like usual. It doesn’t excuse his actions but it’s the honest truth of what we were. I learned that my nagging was actually an attempt to get him to pay attention to me. Even bad attention was attention and I was yearning for that. I would constantly yell at him to give me an opinion on something but then I would just override anything he said and make the decision on my own anyways. He felt that I didn’t value him, his opinion or his input on anything so why would he bother to give it any more. One day in therapy, I was raging about the OW, how she seduced him and my husband cracked. He actually said to me “I did this to you! I DID! You think I’m so weak and feeble minded that I’m just nothing, that I could be so blindly tricked into doing this awful thing, that I wasn’t even capable of making this f&@king decision either?!” It really was a breakthrough for me when I realized how little I have made this man feel he was that he was grasping to even be acknowledged for doing something this awful. This was a decision that he made that I couldn’t override him on. I guess the whole bad attention is still attention thing was at play on his part as well.
    The other thing that stuck with me was him laughing about the OW seducing him. He told me how the OW had so many insecurities that she’d probably take it as a compliment if someone thought so much of her to have this hypnotic power over men. And that’s when I stopped giving her that power in my mind. She has nothing on me.
    I do believe many affairs start with two lonely people looking for something that is missing in their life. It’s not right, it’s so wrong and hurtful but I do think it boils down to that in many cases. The majority of happy men do not cheat. The majority of happy women do not cheat.  [ELLE’S NOTE: WHILE I AGREE WITH THIS IN SOME CASES, STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE MAJORITY OF MEN WHO CHEAT CONSIDER THEMSELVES “HAPPY” IN THEIR MARRIAGE. AFFAIRS ARE OFTEN AN ESCAPE FROM OTHER STRESSES, OR A CHANCE TO FEEL YOUNG AND SEXY AGAIN.] As much as it still hurts me, he found something in her even if it was just temporarily. And I blame him for that, just like he asked me to. He was right, he did this to me. I have forgiven him and we are moving towards being better together but I blame solely him. I can’t vilify this OW any more than I vilify him because he was the one who was supposed to cherish me and forsake others. He was the one I had built a life with. He had promised to be my partner in life. To forgive him and understand his flaws did make me think how she probably has her own demons that she’s struggling with. I do still have mean and nasty thoughts towards her but it’s fading every day and sometimes I hope she gets the help she needs so that she can have a second chance at life, too, just like I have given him. (And, then some days, I still wish she loses all her hair overnight, gains 100 pounds, gets horrible adult acne…!!!)

As others have posted, there is NO satisfaction in contacting her. There’s even less satisfaction in outing her to others. I say this from experience. You may think you’ll get some satisfaction but there’s none. Just none. It only makes you feel sadder. I exposed some before we started therapy. It only led to even more self-doubt and self-loathing on my part and a lot of gossip around town about how I was the crazy one. People may agree that you were wronged but they are very uncomfortable with a woman ranting and raving and pointing the finger! I heard more than a few “no wonder he cheated” comments which only fuelled my hysteria! One of my lowest moments in life was yelling at her 80-year-old parents about how their daughter was a whore and I hoped they were proud of her. If I could take that one action back, I would in a second. After I was hung up on by them, I just crumpled and wondered what I had come to. I felt I couldn’t hold my head up any higher than she could, I had handed her that power that I could be just as hurtful as her. And the shame I feel that my children know I did these things is another burden I bear. I teach them all the time that two wrongs don’t make a right, always keep your dignity… and it’s hard for me to not be embarrassed of my actions. I understand them, I have forgiven myself, I understand any one in our position lashing out but looking back, I just am not proud.

For all these reasons, I say let it go with obsession with the OW. I’ve read some stories on here of BS who admitted they were an OW long ago and we still support them because of their pain! And we do that because we are good and compassionate people on here. Take your energy and focus on him. Focus on learning why he did what he did. You have to understand why HE did this in order to move forward. It doesn’t matter why she did, it only matters why he participated. Focus on what you have done to hurt him. And then solely focus on you getting stronger as a couple. Don’t let thoughts of her continue to ruin any progress you are making as a couple. It’s easier said than done but don’t let her continue to be a part of your marriage, she didn’t belong in it before and she doesn’t belong in it now either.

 

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