I have 18 drafts that I have started but haven’t been able to finish. A thought comes to mind, an insight, a discovery, new drama, old memories, next legal steps, etc. but they don’t hold my attention long enough to do anything more than string sentences together to form vague outlines.
I really want my ex out of my life and anything around our previous life together, his affair, the other woman, and his ongoing idiocy just bores me. I am so done with him.
Interestingly, he is still hiding the other woman from me. He must have seen me walk out from my place the other day before he came to pick up our daughter. I never saw him until I was turning off my cul de sac onto the next street. I checked left to make sure there was no traffic and there was his vehicle stopped in front of a neighbouring house just before my street. He and the other woman were in his truck. I just chuckled. Shame, fear, embarrassment, cowardice, whatever they feel that they need to still hide from me affects me little. I tried to come up with a feeling. Maybe disgust, maybe repulsion, but honestly it was more indifference. I was very happy with where I was going and who I was going to meet that my feeling was simply, “I could care less.” He is nothing to me. She is nothing to me.
It is 3 years this month since we separated. We will have another court proceeding in the near future but I feel like things are coming towards the end. I hope to have a legal divorce with our next court appearance.
I was just thinking about my ex still not doing anything to officially end our relationship and finalize ties. It is always me pushing to wrap things up. Dave continues to avoid, ignore, refuse and deny until he is forced to respond to legal documents and even then he fails to act. I think he is just floating around in some imaginary world he created that still isn’t satisfying whatever lack he feels. Even his lawyer showed his surprise at our last court date in January that we still weren’t divorced. He joked about the ways Dave is wasting so much money specifically referencing his refusal to just continue with our joint Costco membership (he went out and paid for a new one) and for not paying for “family” medical services which is a lesser amount than us all paying individually. Dave makes decisions to try to hurt or punish me but I am so used to these now. They are just obstacles he throws in my path to detract from my goal of completely separating our lives from each other and finalizing our divorce. They don’t cause me to react any longer. I just do what I have to do to remove them. I think the lousy decision to fool around with the other woman weights him down. I think his burdens paralyze him to act in any reasonable and caring fashion. I think he misdirects his hate, anger and blame at me instead of heaping it on himself. It also might just be that he is a narcissistic dick.
As for me, I finally feel like I am ready to date. I have done the work that I needed to do in order to be able to move on. There are still items to finalize but the end is closer than ever and I am feeling very optimistic about things. I have been very impressed with the caliber of men who have asked me out. I finally feel available to accept another man’s attention and I feel like I am in a great space to be able to give back and focus my attention on someone else.