affairs, divorce, God, mediation, sin, Spiritual, worldly

What colour is this dress?

Have you seen the dress everyone is talking about? It is black and blue yet a photo of it taken in a different light shows it to many people to be gold and white. What is really interesting is that you can get a group of people around the same photo and some see it as gold and white while others see it as black and blue.

The Explanation: “Light enters the eye through the lens—different wavelengths corresponding to different colors. The light hits the retina in the back of the eye where pigments fire up neural connections to the visual cortex, the part of the brain that processes those signals into an image. Critically, though, that first burst of light is made of whatever wavelengths are illuminating the world, reflecting off whatever you’re looking at. Without you having to worry about it, your brain figures out what color light is bouncing off the thing your eyes are looking at, and essentially subtracts that color from the “real” color of the object. “Our visual system is supposed to throw away information about the illuminant and extract information about the actual reflectance,” says Jay Neitz, a neuroscientist at the University of Washington. “But I’ve studied individual differences in color vision for 30 years, and this is one of the biggest individual differences I’ve ever seen.” (Neitz sees white-and-gold.)

Could it be the same way with our view points?

For 23 years, my ex and I seem to have seen the same view of the world reflected back to us. We have seen it through spiritual eyes and we have seen it through worldly eyes. Together, I felt, we tried to do good and contribute to the universe in a positive light. We tried to represent and stand for right. We gave sacrificially of our time and our money. We partnered together to do what was best for meeting the needs of our children, our families, our friends, our community and even strangers. It wasn’t always what we wanted to do but we put our own selfish desires aside so much of the time acting on faith and trusting in God that as long as we did what was right we believed that we too, would win in the long run, and the world would be better for it.

When did my ex start seeing the world through his own selfish eyes instead of God’s eyes? When did his visual system that was supposed to throw away false information fed to him by Satan stop extracting information about the actual reflectance of God? When did he stop being able to distinguish gold and white from black and blue?

Why does it surprise me then when his vision is so cloudy that for more than 2 years he makes decisions to only take care of his own wants and desires. Why does it surprise me that he doesn’t pay child support, spousal support or pay any percentage of his children’s activities and medical/dental expenses? Why does it surprise me that even when in mediation he agreed to pay a specific percentage of the pet expenses, he doesn’t? Why does it surprise me that he allowed his life insurance to lapse even though he agreed in mediation not to let that happen. He chooses instead to leave me and his children with a huge exposure so that if he were to die today my kids have no financial support for their future, no education money, and I am left with the burden of all of his debt? Why does it surprise me that even though in mediation he agreed to close out our joint bank account immediately he never has and I am the only one who has put money in that account to cover our joint expenses? On top of that, why does he think it is okay to access that account using my money to pay for his own personal bills? Now that I am not putting any money in there why does he think it is okay to not put back what he stole from me, pay off the overdraft so we can close the account and not incur any more wasted service charges? Why should I be surprised that he will not allow any of the funds from a property we sold together to be disbursed equally between us so I can pay my bills, the ones he isn’t contributing to and should be? And especially why am I surprised, when an oversight was made in mediation leaving me responsible for all of our pre-separation debt, why does he not acknowledge that isn’t fair and agree to pay his 50%? This would resolve our current dispute, allow us to move forward, stop the waste of legal expenses, allow for a more equitable settlement and it would be the right thing to do.

I do not recognize the person my ex has become at all. I only see black when I look him. There is definitely no gold. I concur with Neitz. This is one of the biggest individual differences I, too, have ever seen!

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affairs, divorce

Happy Valentine’s Day!

While my husband was having an affair he brought me a dozen, red, long-stemmed roses and gave me a beautiful card for Valentine’s Day. He brought both of our daughters a rose as well. I had little gifts and cards for our girls from both of us. I made dinner for him and the kids and we had a lovely family meal although I felt that he wasn’t acting particular grateful or appreciative of my effort or fond of what I made. I baked a special dish I had never made before, horse radish encrusted salmon, that we always ordered from a restaurant we used to eat at together, Blues Bayou Café. We had wine. I bought a special decadent dessert for us all to enjoy. I gave him a sexy card and some fun flavoured lubricants. We enjoyed an intimate night in the bedroom afterwards.

Who knew he was buying his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day card at the same time he was buying me one. He bought her jewellery. Three days following Valentine’s Day we went to an art showing where our oldest daughter’s art work was being displayed. He met us there, left us there, and took his girlfriend out for dinner, wining and dining her with his gifts. He came home to us afterwards.

I found our anniversary card from 5 months before Valentine’s Day. He wrote in it: “Happy 18th wedding anniversary. Every year just keeps getting better and better.” He was in an affair within 3 months of writing that card. I shared that with him after discovering the affair and asked him why he said that when he was now telling people he hadn’t been happy for 8 years. He said, “You can only hope.”

So many falsehoods I’d later discover.

This Valentine’s Day, 2015, for me involves dinner with friends at a new restaurant. Drinks and a fun, getting to know you, card game with 2 other couples and my date, before dinner. Then the hot tub and cheesecake after dinner at one of the couple’s home.

Prior to the evening, I am going to be showing love to me. After having been so mistreated I am finding it important to take the time to do things that give me pleasure. Not the hedonistic, selfish kind of pleasure, but something that lets me know I care for and love me. If I wanted roses, I’d buy them for myself. If I wanted jewellery, I’d buy my own. None of that is important to me. Instead, I will be spending time doing what I love, eating foods I enjoy and treating myself to pampering.

All I can do is give love. I can’t control other people’s response back. I don’t know their motives, whether they are pretending or their true feelings. That is their issue, not mine. It is hurtful to feel that my husband didn’t want my love. What I think was more the problem was that he wanted my love, used my love, wanted more of my love but it was never enough. I could never give enough; I could never do enough; I could never be enough. He sought love and attention from any where else he could get it (as I discovered was more than just the affair with Janice) and in order to get that love he would be the person he needed to be. A double life for sure. That is the person I was not prepared to be married to any longer. That is the type of person I knew clearly I could never trust again.

It is nice to be shown love in special ways on February 14 by those who are closest to us and to get surprises from unexpected sources of love, too, but let’s remember to practice self-love. Let’s meet our own needs and reward and treat our self just for being instead of waiting for someone else to meet those needs for us. We are worthy. When I make myself feel great, I am much more mindful of how others make me feel and more likely to question whether they are people I really want in my life.

The Law of Attraction supports that what we put out into the universe comes back to us. Loving ourselves; loving others; is a great place to start. I am wishing for the feeling of love that one might want expressed to them on Valentine’s Day to be returned back to them every day of the year.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, domestic abuse, God

Authentic Love

Prior to Katy Perry singing “By the Grace of God” at the 2015 Grammy Awards tonight, Brooke Axtell made a speech in reference to surviving domestic violence. This is an excerpt from what she shared:

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honour and respect you I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night; part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are: valuable, beautiful, loved.”

I didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship. It was verbal, mental and emotional torture. I know that I felt devalued and unloved many times but it has taken friends and professionals and the distance of separation to make it clear. I had friends say that I would laugh things off that were so mean, degrading and not funny at all and that their husbands would never say or do things like mine did.

Some of the things he has texted me recently are as follows:

‘You are sad and pathetic; you can’t move on and look pathetic for it; your older daughter already sees how pathetic you are and your younger one is not far off; even your friends are falling by the wayside; you’re an idiot; #crazylady; hypocrite; figure it out tubby; what a fat cunt you are; fuck you; spoiled bitch; fuck you and figure it out; mom of the year; take a look in the mirror Broom Hilda; you ain’t what its all cracked up to be; ole miss big mouth forgets how hypocritical she sounds; hey rockstar, learn how to use your phone; you’re such an awful example of not only a mother but a person; if anything happens to (our daughter) it will be all your fault; and how dumb are you; it’s no wonder the kids are damaged; you really have some mental issues; it’s no wonder the kid hates your guts; go put another cookie in your mouth; Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!; keep your opinions to yourself because I don’t want or need to hear them. That’s why we’re divorcing…so I don’t have to hear them any longer; angry ex-wife; get the story straight before you beak off; my truth is fuck off; get the facts and shut the fuck up; you are a vindictive money grabbing angry sad sack of a being; you’re a joke; what a two-faced hypocrite you are; you’re delusional; don’t put your big nose in our daughter’s business; you aspire to do nothing with your life; the smartest thing I ever did was leaving you.”

I haven’t gone back and looked at emails but I remember him calling me a “waste of skin”, telling me I need to do something with my appearance, too bad I let myself go; have another slice of cheesecake; I needed to wear makeup; my life has no purpose; calling me Einstein, etc.

I know I started to push back in the months before I found out about the affair when he said my food “tastes like shit” in front of the kids.

There was no authentic love from my husband towards me. However, I have made the decision that I will not be shamed, silenced and abused by him any more. I told him by text on January 21, 2015, after a harassing phone call that had no purpose other than to abuse, that if he continues to call or text me I will get a restraining order against him. His response: “Hahaha”. I haven’t had any phone calls or texts since.

I am worthy of love. I am lovable. I am loved by God and see him working in my life showing me his love every day. I am loved by many, many people who show me love with their actions, words, gifts, service and affection every single day. I have tons of friends and I am a very good friend. I have value and I am beautiful inside and out. I know who I truly am. Authentic love does exist in my life; just not from my ex.

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insurance adjuster, Janice Andrews images, shame

Janice Andrews, Victoria, BC, Identity of a Cheater

Janice's facebook photo

Hiding her face and she should in shame!

Sex-texting my  husband and sending this photo from Las Vegas, February 2013

Sex-texting my husband and sending this photo from Las Vegas, February 2013

Janice Andrews pursued my husband while working with him in the same office of Coast Claims. They handled more than claims together.

Janice Andrews pursued my husband while they worked together in the Coast Claims office and handled claims together for the Municipality of Saanich. They handled more than claims together. She knew he was married and even though I was at the company Christmas party she hung all over my husband the entire night.

She cheated on her 12-year common-law husband with my husband of 22 years.

She cheated on her 12-year common-law husband with my husband of 22 years.

Homewrecker, Janice Andrews

Homewrecker, Janice Andrews.  My husband bought her a Pandora charm for Valentine’s Day 2013 before I found out about the affair.  He used our joint bank account to make the purchase.  It was $55.  When I inquired why there was another charge for $30 he actually told me that she already had that charm. She told him what charm she really wanted so he exchanged it and paid the additional cost.

Another dinner with my husband

Sharing her photo after yet another expensive dinner with my husband at Il Terrazzo. Does she know my husband isn’t paying child support or spousal support?

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cheating, infidelity, Love, separation, Valentine's Day

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today represents one year exactly since I last had sex with my husband.   Last year, he brought me home a dozen long-stem, red roses.  He gave each of our daughters a rose as well.  I made a nice dinner of horseradish encrusted salmon–a dish I had never made before but one that my husband loved and ordered every time we went to the Blues Bayou Café for dinner. I bought him some fancy flavoured massage oil/lubricants. We exchanged cards, drank wine and enjoyed a chocolaty, rich, decadent dessert.

I had no idea that night would be the last night we would be intimate together.  I remember it though.  I said to him afterwards, “Who were you having sex with because it wasn’t me?”  He faltered slightly, paused, but not enough that it meant anything obvious to me.  He said, “No…, I was having sex with you.”  He didn’t ask me why I asked that question but for me our sex that night was raunchier than usual.  He was more aggressive, verbal, dominant; it was noticeably different.

Since then, I haven’t held hands with anyone; kissed anyone or even had anyone in my mind to fantasize about.  I am still married; not legally separated; and although I am taking the legal steps to move forward with my life I am not ready mentally, emotionally, physically, financially or morally to engage in another relationship on any level.

Today marks a passage of time that has gone by very quickly.  It really does seem like yesterday when we were last together.  I wonder how many times he has had sex in the last year; what it is like for him; has he learned any new tricks; discovered new pleasures; participated in kinkier things than he ever did with me.  Has he had more adventure, experienced better orgasms, explored different positions?  Has he had more than 1 partner, multiple partners at the same time and does he ever feel like he is still cheating on me?  I wonder if he ever misses having sex with me. I wonder if he feels empty when he lies in bed after the act is completed or did he feel empty after being with me and now someone else makes him feel more alive.  All futile thoughts and wasted energy because I will never know the answers to any of those questions.

Abstinence does not make my heart grow fonder for my husband. On the contrary, it makes me firm in my position that I cannot imagine being with him intimately again.  When I see him, I can’t even look at his face.  I cannot stand to be in his presence.  It is more than uncomfortable;  it is unbearable.  And yet, I would have loved him to have sent roses for Valentine’s Day.  I would have loved him to have sent a sincere, heart-felt, “I’m sorry” letter outlining how remorseful, regrettable and miserable his life has been since cheating on me and being separated from me.  Instead I am wondering how he is showing his girlfriend his love for her on Valentine’s Day.

 

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Uncategorized

Happy Birthday Husband!

On Sunday, January 26, it was my husband’s 46th birthday.  It was his weekend with our girls.  Our oldest daughter has only recently started to see him again and it is sporadic–“free food” is how she describes their relationship.  Our 11-year old daughter had dance practice on Friday and he picked her up afterwards, took her for dinner and she slept at his house.  On Saturday she made plans to stay at her friend’s place overnight so he dropped her off at her friend’s place at noon.  She never plans sleep overs when I have her for the weekend, only on her weekend with her dad. 

With my husband having no child to look after on Saturday night it made me wonder if my husband’s girlfriend would be taking him out to celebrate his birthday and reminisce over their hook up that same night a year ago.  I went to a movie on Saturday night and was constantly looking to see if they might show up.  I haven’t run into them yet but it is so rare that I go out that I just kept expecting to see them holding hands and smiling and laughing together.  They may have gone to the Keg and back to her place again.

On Saturday, he texted my older daughter and asked if she was going to “pop by” on Sunday.  She asked me, “Why would I pop by to see dad?”  She texted back, “No”. 

I didn’t tell either daughter it was his birthday.  It might be selfish but after I found out about his affair I confronted him about an item on our joint Visa card.  He confirmed he was with his girlfriend on the night before his birthday last year.  He originally told me that he was playing hockey and the guys on his team were taking him out for his birthday.  Instead, my husband and his girlfriend went to the Keg (the restaurant that my husband and I always went to with our girls for special occasions).  They had dinner and then went back to her place and had sex. Her husband was out of town.  My husband not only confirmed this happened he was cruel enough to tell me,  “It was the best birthday gift I ever gave myself.” 

The actual day of his birthday last year we went as a family to a hockey game.  He still uses a photo from this night as his Facebook photo–all smiles with the girls.  We gave him an iPad as his gift but clearly that didn’t compare to the gift he gave himself.  Those words resonate with me today so even though I gave him a lovely Father’s Day gift and Christmas gift from the girls, I refuse to acknowledge his birthday in an any respect ever again.

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cheating, children, emails, family, feelings, infidelity, insensitivity, marriage breakdown, relationships

The sensitivity of a gnat

My husband’s birthday is January 26.  He was already having sex with the other woman by this time.  He actually celebrated his birthday with her after playing hockey on Friday, January 25.  They went to the Keg for dinner.  I assumed he was out with his hockey buddies having some beers celebrating his birthday.  I was home with our girls.

In the summer at a golf tournament, my husband won tickets for a Royals hockey game.  He could choose any game to attend.  He chose 4 tickets on the date of his birthday to attend the Royals Pink in the Rink Game raising funds for breast cancer.  We attended as a family all dressed in pink.

I bought my husband and kids souvenir scarves to wear as well as 8 ‘chuck a-pucks’ to throw out during one of the intermissions.  We split the pucks so we each had 2 to throw.  My husband won closest to one of the 3 circles.  I went to collect his prize.  The prize was 2 tickets to the Rihanna concert on April 1 in Vancouver, hotel for the night and air fare.  The prize package was probably worth about $1000.  When I gave my husband his prize he thought it was great.  We were all so excited.  The girls indicated they wanted to go to the concert so we talked briefly about how we would have to see if we could get 2 more tickets.

Then we looked at the date of the concert.  It was the date we were booked to fly home from Florida.  My husband literally had a tantrum.   He yelled at me that I booked our trip to come home from Florida that day and he hadn’t wanted to stay that long in Florida in the first place.  It was all my fault we now wouldn’t be able to go to the concert and he wanted to go.  I suggested that we could do something; maybe change our return flight home to a day earlier or still go the concert as we arrived home 5 hours before the concert started.  I suggested that maybe we could fly from Florida into Vancouver instead of Victoria and I was trying to think in my mind how we would handled our luggage, etc.

Firstly, I couldn’t believe he was acting this way and then acting this way in front of the kids.  Yes, it would have been nice to go to the concert but it was on a Monday night, there were only 2 tickets so we either had to get 2 more tickets for the kids and the kids would miss school the next day or we had to find them some place to stay on a school night while we attended.  We have no family here to look after the kids.  We would also need to find someone to look after the dog if we went over night.  It wasn’t simple logistically to figure out so wasn’t it a great prize to sell to someone else and take the money to use on our vacation?   Plus, wasn’t our family vacation going to be great enough.  It was our Christmas gift to the kids.  Wouldn’t we want that extra day to enjoy Disney World?

I mentioned his tantrum and how his behaviour made me feel and he did apologize to me afterwards.  We decided to sell the tickets.

On March 5, 2013 my husband made comments to me about e-mails that I sent my friends including a photograph of the girl that I thought was the other woman.  I thought the only way he could possibly know this is because he went onto my computer when he came in the house with no one here as we knew he had done the night before when he knew the rest of us were out of the house.

When I called my husband out on that he said in an email to me on March 5, 2013 @ 9:00 a.m.:

“No…I’ve been told what you’re sending to people…. but you went through my emails?  Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?” 

He is referring to me taking his Blackberry on February 28 to see if I could find any evidence of indiscretions.  I responded by e-mail on March 5, 2013 @ 12:37 p.m.:

“I never went through your e-mails–ever in the 23 years I have been with you.  I’ve never snooped through your drawers, pockets, pagers, phones, etc.  I don’t even know how to use your Blackberry.  Sadly, I trusted you explicitly and let you live your life completely free.  I never once thought you would do this to us and our family.  I thought you loved me.  I thought you loved your kids.  I thought you loved and valued everything we built together.  I am devastated.  I am betrayed.  I am the saddest person on this planet right now.  I ache so deeply for this loss especially for my children who have lost every security they thought they had.  It is unrepairable.  This will affect forever the relationships that they will have.   The best gift my parents every gave me was raising me in a secure marriage.  I am so sad I can’t give my children that gift.  I am so sad my husband didn’t love or respect me enough to fight for our marriage, to fight for our family, to go to counseling like I suggested.  I got counselor names, I told you how much I loved you and would do anything for you.  I am sad that my kids know that you gave up on us.  That we weren’t enough for you.”

His response on March 6, 2013 @ 7:57 a.m.:

“Did you pack the Rihanna tickets somewhere.  I haven’t seen them and would like to sell them.”

 

 

 

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