Category Archives: other woman

adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

outdoor movie, Home, in Parksville

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home.  She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her.  Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play.  She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.”  I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing.  I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go.  She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me.  I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom.  I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths.  I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her.  In probably less than 10 minutes she was back.  I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely.  She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them.  The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter.  After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her.  Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov.  It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews.  Now we just call her “The Boov”.

 

 

 

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affair, divorce, other woman

Is Lying Hereditary?

I am guessing that my ex lied to cover up his affair and activities to support the affair to protect himself. When I asked specifically, “Are you having an affair?” he lied and said, “No.” He also avoided the question when I posed it in an email. Hence, the reason I searched his phone to discover the truth.

When he was caught he spent months downplaying that it was really anything despite me having the text messages between them saying how much they loved each other and the sexual things they were doing and the plans they were making for the future. It was clear that the affair had been going on way longer than he admitted and it was clear he was leading a double life with respect to still being intimate with me and pretending all was normal in our family life.

After finding out about the affair and he was out of the house, another nugget of information showing his relationship with an ex-girlfriend was provided to me. I was shocked by the things he was saying he wanted to do with my girlfriends. I have no idea why he would even think the things he was saying would benefit the ex he was obviously trying to impress. He always told me he could never be interested in any of my closest best friend. Not only was I see the truth about that but now there was a history that was revealed that I was completely unaware of where he was trying to woo back his ex-girlfriend from 23 years period. When I confronted him with exact conversations I was reading between him and his ex-girlfriend, he again denied it and then tried to get rid of the written evidence. There was no way he could have thought I was fishing for information. It was too specific. How could he deny it to me. Did he really believe what he was saying?

Recently, when I had absolute proof that he was denying still being involved with Janice Andrews, the other woman he got caught in the affair with, and saw how he was flirting with someone else in the insurance industry and making dating plans with her, he again denied it and tried to make it out as though my friend (who knows the women he was coming on to and who was returning the affection and flirtation back to my ex) was crazy, had a restraining order against her and then proceeded to call her names like “transvestite”.

He is a master deflector. This I knew from our history together in trying to get him to take accountability for things. But I was blind-sided by the double life I was discovering and the deceitful activities and conversations he had going on behind my back. I had completely trusted him, trusted his love for God and the truth, so never even dreamed to not take him at his word on activities or thoughts he shared with me.

I have, however, caught him in story-telling lies. Ways he tries to make himself seem more interesting than he is or more important than he is. I never embarrassed him or called him out on these lies even in private afterwards. I attributed it to drinking and harmless, building him up to impress, ego-inflated elaborations.

A couple of things of interest. My ex and his brother would discuss their father’s same style of lying and storytelling. They even got their mom involved in the last one that I was aware of–their dad being part of the CIA. He told them that the 50-year secrecy expiration period was up so he was now able to disclose that he actually lost his eye to a bullet and not from an accident. Their mom said she had no reason not to believe him.

The other lie that my ex’s brother told us about was that their dad claimed he used to run the 100 meter in a time that was faster than the Olympic record.

When his dad was last out visiting us he was telling me a story that someone had been telling him that he deemed to be a lie. He told me that he said to this person, “Don’t bullshit a bull shitter.”

They are many other stories that always seemed fabricated to me that my father-in-law would share. He always was claiming that some big firm, even while into his 70’s, wanted to pay him big bucks to work for them but nothing ever materialized. He made what ended up being terrible business investments and even took our money and our friends’ money for these investments and continually claimed that we were so close to a huge payout from our investment. He also claimed he was abused as a child and into his teens. Not sure now if any of this was true.

I found this article written for CNN news by medical health expert Dr. Charles Raison, psychiatrist, Emory University Medical School:

“There is a type of extreme lying that does indeed appear to have a strong genetic component. Officially known as “pseudologia fantastica,” this condition is characterized by a chronic tendency to spin out outrageous lies, even when no clear benefit to the lying is apparent. Often people with this affliction seem unable to even recognize that they are lying, and they seem blind to where truth ends and falsehood starts. Probably the greatest portrayal of this in literature is Willie Loman in the play “Death of a Salesman” by Arthur Miller.

This type of extreme lying does often start at a fairly early age and can be a lifelong tendency and serious problem. And often it doesn’t exist in isolation, but is part of a larger pattern of chronic symptoms that clinicians refer to as “sociopathy.” These symptoms include a tendency toward criminal behavior, an inability to control one’s impulses and/or make future plans, explosive anger and tendency toward physical violence, a reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, a pattern of irresponsible behavior and — probably most important — an inability to understand and/or respect the rights of other people.

People with antisocial personality often start life as hyperactive kids who bully others, who lie, who are constantly in trouble with authorities and get into drugs and alcohol by their teen years, and who often display striking cruelty to animals…Many studies have shown that antisocial behavior is highly genetic. For example, studies have shown that the children of criminals in prison have much higher rates of developing antisocial personality than the average population, even if they are adopted into “good” families and have never met their imprisoned parents.

Having said this, however, it is also clear that the best protection one can give a child who is genetically at risk for antisocial personality disorder is a consistent, firm, but loving family environment growing up. Studies show that genetically at-risk children are much more likely to become sociopaths as adults if they are raised in abusive or neglectful homes, or are subject to severe physical punishment for their wrongdoing.

What about treatment? Unfortunately, no one has ever discovered a medication or type of psychotherapy that consistently works for adults with antisocial personality — a fact that contributes greatly to the tragedy of the disorder, both for the sufferer and — even more unfortunately — for family members and others that are often damaged in one way or another by the person. This fact really highlights how important it is to intervene early in the lives of young people who are clearly heading in this very bad direction.

This disorder is characterized by a longstanding pattern of disregard for other people’s rights, often crossing the line and violating those rights. This pattern of behavior has occurred since age 15 (although only adults 18 years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and is marked by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
• deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
• impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
• irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
• reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
• consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
• lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”

Concerning to me is the fact that not only do I recognize these traits and characteristics in my father-in-law and ex but also in my child.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, desperation, ego, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, promiscuity, Victoria British Columbia, wealthy men

Chicktoria

The population of Victoria, BC, Canada is 80,017.  The population of the metropolitan area of Greater Victoria is 344,615 making it the 15th most populous Canadian urban region. Victoria is situated on Vancouver Island, a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Vancouver.

Interestingly, Victoria is dubbed Chicktoria because of the gender imbalance of 4:1 women for every man.  The girl to guy ratio and nickname are compiled in the Urban Dictionary and there are articles speculating the causes of the man shortage in Victoria. I have heard it said that the imbalance is as high as 7:1.

The Times Colonist printed an article on October 14, 2012 citing statistics that Victoria’s wealthiest men are the most promiscuous in Canada and even in North America.  Victoria men are the most sexually active in Canada with 78% having at least 7 sexual partners a year.

When women are desperate, feeling that above all else they need to have a man for their security–emotional, financial, sexual, status, etc. they selfishly pursue a target.  Married men are not off limits to them. When men have so many “opportunities” (the word my husband used), it doesn’t take much for them to dispose of lives that were once important to them to instead chase whatever ego-stroking benefits these determined women satisfy.

By Victoria standards, my husband is a catch.  He is employed. He is a very small partner in his company but he never fails to mention that he is a partner to anyone he speaks to and women who know this think he has a lucrative employment future.  He has a vehicle.  He has vanity so he dresses nicely, spends a lot of time gelling and styling his hair and keeps a salon hair appointment every 4 weeks. He throws money around picking up dinner tabs, buying drinks and tipping. To Victoria women, he conveys wealth.  When he moved to Victoria and joined his company, he suddenly became a big fish in a small pond and he subscribed to the idea of his power on the job and as an interest to women.

He admired the way his boss flirted with and treated women and he began emulating that behaviour.  He shared daily examples with me of his boss’s outrageousness and always said to me, “I don’t know how he gets away with it.”  My girlfriend told me that she and her husband both felt that my husband put off the “I want to fuck you vibe.” He started to go out to more “work functions”.  He started to drink a lot, use drugs and had a driving service his work paid for to ensure he didn’t drive under the influence.  He was arrogant and self-important. When his grandmother died and he was not consulted about the date of the funeral, he called his uncle to ream him out and made him cry. When I was volunteering at my daughter’s school with another mom who worked in his industry he told me, “make sure you look hot.”

The changes in my husband’s behaviour, mood, absence from our family, increase in his ego became a repulsion to me. It obviously fueled the desires of other women or was it their interest in my husband that caused the behaviour change in him? I never stopped paying attention to my husband and we were having sex up until I found out about his affair but I was taking a stand against his chauvinistic treatment and uncaring attitude toward me and my girls. I was definitely aware that he was putting “work” before us and his attitude that everything else was my responsibility started to cause rifts.

Patti Stranger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire’s Club International Inc. and who stars in and produces The Millionaire Matchmaker reality show visited Victoria.  Two of my friends met with her.  Her advise to them for meeting a quality man in Victoria: “Get off the island.”

My other single friends started to share stories about men they dated.  Finding someone who didn’t smoke, had “a pot to piss in”, and had a job became their ideal.  Less than that, the best they could hope for. Some had flat out given up.

Victoria women, have we only perpetuated the problem by settling and accepting men who do not meet our needs in the first place?  Do we have such low self-esteem and self-worth that we don’t expect more and so impatient, fearful and lonely we can’t wait for more?  Do we latch on to whoever we can and then spend the rest of our relationship looking to trade up?

Any decision to pursue married men and men in committed relationships should never allow you to feel secure in your relationship.  It should always be in your subconscious that women like you are just waiting to strike and that you are in a relationship with a weak man. You do have control over your own actions.  Let’s chose self-respect and respect for others. Let’s have a higher moral standard for our behaviour and our men’s behaviour. By being the other type of woman you have said to men, “It is okay to screw around; it is okay to go after whatever you want for your own selfish gain.” Why would that type of man ever be satisfied with just you?  There is nothing you can do to keep that type of man faithful because you already set the standard that cheating is okay.

Men, how stupid are you?  If women are prepared to fool around with you, don’t you think there is a highly probable chance they will fool around on you?  There is always someone better than you around the corner–more hair, more money, better teeth, better skin, better athlete, better body, bigger penis, better work ethic, younger/older, blonder, darker, healthier, smarter, wiser, whatever the perceived “better” is, there is better than you.

Everyone reaps what they sow.

Women of Victoria, we are in control.  There are more of us than men. All of this poor behaviour of cheating on our partners and cheating with married men allows men to act like dicks.  Women should be less concerned about their sensed disadvantage living in Chicktoria and be more concerned about the long-term effect and disadvantage of living in Dicktoria.

 

 

 

 

 

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cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time.  Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind.  In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up.  My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time.  He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.”  Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth.  Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been?  I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012.  Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary.  There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business.  He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon.  He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable.  He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on.  That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest.  I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me.  He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time.  I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested.  It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”.  Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair.  We left his Christmas party hand in hand.  The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself.  He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun.  After all, it was his company party.  I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister.  When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards.  The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well.  He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011.   He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone.  He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night.  When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg.  That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place.   The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game.   I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare.  When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation.  He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.”  I was dumbfounded and just looked at him.  Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work.  I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital.  His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk.  Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself.  The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m.  He always went alone.  Why was he going at a specific time?  I never questioned this.   My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go.  Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys.  He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all.  On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection.  I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom.  I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it.  On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy.  I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me.  February 18 he mentions separation.  On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home.  That shocked me.  He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets.  I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?”  I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me.  On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage.  He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle.  The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences.  Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning.  We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning.  I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now.  He sighed with annoyance.  I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?”  He said, “No, you can hug me.”  It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

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cheating, confrontation, control, infidelity, lawyer, other woman

The Other Woman

On March 5, 2013, I was driving home from my lawyer’s office.  I was close to the location of the other woman’s office.  I knew where she worked because of the e-mail address of her text messages and e-mails to my husband.

On a whim, I decided to pay her a visit.  I pulled into the parking lot, parked in the visitor parking and entered the building.  It was a 3-story office building.  The front lobby was very busy, the front information desk was crowded and I had no idea how I would find her.  I looked at the directory and noticed that the Risk Management Department was on the 3rd floor.  I knew again by her e-mail and texts that this was the department where she worked.

I walked up to the 3rd floor and saw a maze of cubicles.  I just stood and stared wondering how on earth I would find her.  Then I saw a sign over a door to my right that said “Risk Management Department”.  I walked through.  No one was at the front reception so I continued passed it walking down a corridor with open cubicles to each side.  On my right, a woman asked if she could help me.  I told her I was looking for J.A.  I said that I was Tiffany.  It was a name that I remembered from the other woman’s Facebook page that of course I checked out when I discovered the affair.  The woman said she was in and went to tell her that I was here.  I was considering following her down the corridor and into the office where she turned but I remained standing where I was.  The woman came back out and said she would be with me in a moment.  She told me I could sit down.  I remained standing.  The woman returned to her desk to my right.  Another woman came out of J.A.’s office, smiling, saying also, “She’ll be with you in a minute.”  That woman took a seat at her desk to my left.  I would have an audience.  Then a man exited J.A.’s office, looked down at me and turned the other way into the office beside J. A.  Then J. A. came out of her office towards me.  I was not aware at the time that she knew what I looked like or that she was the one that lingered by my husband the entire evening of his company Christmas party on December 14, 2012, hanging on his every word.

She started to walk towards me, looked at me and hesitated but kept moving forward.  “Are you J.A.”, I asked?

“Yes”, she said.

“I’m R.C.  I just wanted to see the face of the woman who is fucking my husband and I thought you might want to see the face of the woman who’s family you are contributing in tearing apart.”

She bowed her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s nice”, I said.  “I’ve never got a sorry from my husband.”  “Just to let you know I have a lab requisition to get tested for a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases.  I’ll be kind enough to extend to you the courtesy of letting you know if I have anything.  It might not be from you.  For all I know, he could be fooling around with other women.”  Then I turned and walked out. I heard her say, “I’m sorry, R.” as my back was turned to her and I was leaving.

I arrived home about 20 minutes later and walked through the front door.  My phone was ringing.  It was my lawyer.  He said to me that I didn’t tell him I was going to leave his office and go and make a scene at the other woman’s office.  I told him that I didn’t know I was going to do that.  He said that if he had known that he would have told me not to do it.  He said that he gave me the name of a counselor so I could talk to her about my feelings and not act out on them.  He said that he had hoped I would be working with him and that if I had feelings to do something like that again to tell him and not to do it.

I have no regrets.  It felt great.  I am very glad that I confronted her.

 

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cheating, control, debt, deceitfulness, family, infidelity, legal proceedings, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

My emotions start spilling out

On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:

“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”

I respond at 9:27 a.m.:  “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”

He responds at 9:37 a.m.:

“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about.  What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on.  I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response.  I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office.  If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward.  I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt.  Really makes you look petty in the long run.

Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you.  Are you open to this?

My response at 11:21 a.m.:

“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want.  We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else.  So here is my “chat”.

Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me.  I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house.  You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank.  If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place.  You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever.  If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on.  If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family.   And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my  health.  Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others.  Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had.  You are the petty one in the long and short run.

I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible.  If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.

So let’s try this again:

I want your stuff gone from our house.  You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time.  I will have everything in the driveway for you.  Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary.  There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience.  You can get a storage unit.  I will no longer be your storage unit for anything.  I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me.  Do not come earlier and do not come later.

You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc.  I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc.  It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.

I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information.  If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement.  That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”

(my name)

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cheating, control, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, marriage breakdown, mother/daughter, other woman, passive/aggressive, separation

Disposing of my husband’s belongings

My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.

I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs.  I left the door unlocked so he could just come in.  My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived.  She did not want to see him.   She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog.  My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home.  My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave.  She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway.  He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.

My older daughter went into sheer panic.  She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time.  I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her.  She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.

Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch.  Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived.  She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me.  I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.

I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max.   I did feel emotional.  I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach.  I still couldn’t believe this was happening.  I wanted him to want to talk to me.  I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me.  I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part.  I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize.  But he didn’t.  Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.

After he was gone I went downstairs.  Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger.  He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier.  Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.

My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left.  My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things.  She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman.  I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner.  I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things.  I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something.   I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have.  Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.

We could help.  And so we did.   I felt better already doing something to take back the control.

My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings.  We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office.  He is a partner in the company where he works.  His company owns the building where he works.  Therefore I was not dumping on public property.  I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this.  She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected.  His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up.  His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.

When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed  one of his colleagues coming down the stairs.  It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend.  When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot.  My husband’s vehicle was there!  It was daylight still so we left and came back home.  We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m.  No on was there now.  We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said,  “Property of (Husband’s Name)”.  My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”.  She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings.  There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.

It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me.  We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone.  It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.

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cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”

(my name)

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cheating, Collaborative Family Law, control, divorce, family, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action

On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:

(Husband’s name),

This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.

(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.

I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.

I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:

1. Court Proceedings
2. Mediation
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option

Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.

The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.

You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.

Important:

Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.

If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.

Thank you,

(my name)

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cheating, control, divorce, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, lawyer, other woman, relationships, separation

Looking for help in all the right places

It is Friday, March 1 at about 7:00 a.m. I am in information relaying and gathering mode. I am in action mode. While my husband is heading to Vancouver for a weekend of business partying, I am sharing with the key people in my life about the fresh discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I am getting support, help, advice and encouragement for me and my girls.

I contacted lawyer Robert Klassen after finding his information on the internet. I called at 7:15 a.m., right after my husband walked out the door for the weekend. My husband knew I knew about his affair with another woman but he chose not to acknowledge me in anyway before leaving. There was no, “I’m sorry.” He told our 15-year old daughter, who was lying beside me at the time, that he was sorry she found out about his infidelity and that he wanted to talk to her when he returned, but he said nothing to me. He just left.

I was very surprised that Robert’s secretary answered the phone that early in the morning. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said, “Yes.” She asked me if I wanted to go through court. I said, “Yes.” Then I told her I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I should proceed and explained my situation. She put Robert on the phone with me. He was very kind and made time to meet with me later that afternoon. I had to get $3000 for a retainer fee. I took the money from my husband and my joint bank account.

Prior to meeting Robert, I had an appointment to get fake eyelashes applied to my top lids. I am blond and have fair, short, invisible lashes. After paying a ridiculous sum of money for lashes that only last 2 – 4 weeks and then require a $50 fill thereafter, I was told that I can’t allow my eyes to get wet for the next 24 hours as it would affect the glue adhesion. When I met Robert he gave me a hug, told me he’s been through divorce personally and knows how difficult this time is for me. He sat me down with a box of Kleenex. I promised him that I wouldn’t need the Kleenex due to my expensive new eyelashes. I answered his questions, listened to him, filled out forms, wrote down information, took pamphlets, accepted his advice on how to proceed and I did not require a single Kleenex.

While I was out, I had a call from a friend saying that my 15-year old daughter had answered the phone and she broke down crying. My 15-year old had missed school that day. When I got home I found that she got rid of all our family photos around the house. She told me they make her sick to see them. She was replaying things in her mind and determined that her dad took the dog with him on one of his trysts. That was very upsetting to her. She remembered that her dad recently punished her younger sister for lying and recalls that her dad was lying at this same time as to what he was doing and where he was spending his time. She wanted to call the other woman. She wanted to confront her face to face. The movie ‘The Women’ was on t.v. while I was out. She taped it for me because she thought it would be helpful for me to watch it and she said it would make me laugh. She suggested that I go out with my friends for the night. I told her I didn’t want to go anywhere. She offered to take my younger daughter swimming in the evening so I could have friends over. I told her I didn’t feel like having anyone over. She suggested that we all go to a movie. I told her that she could go out and she should do whatever would make her feel better at this time but that I didn’t want to go anywhere. She said, “Mom, I feel like your friends can help you better than I can.” I assured her that she was already a huge support to me and that she didn’t need to feel it was her responsibility to help me.

Another one of my friends had her mom pick up my younger daughter after school with her own daughter and take them to their dance class. Her mom took them back to her place afterwards and then when my friend was done work she picked the girls up from her mom’s place, went to McDonalds and brought us all back dinner. She visited my 15-year old in her room and came out and told me that my daughter broke down into tears. My friend left and offered to come back after dinner.

I knew that I needed to tell my younger daughter as simply as I could that mommy and daddy were separating. I wanted to wait until she was done eating her McDonalds. She actually overheard her sister and I talking about her daddy and about Florida so she asked, “Is Daddy not going to Florida?” I told her that daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy right now and that is why he doesn’t want to come on the trip with us. My older daughter blurted out, “Tell her the truth mom” and she turned to my younger daughter and said, “Dad has been cheating on mom with a whore.” I admonished my older daughter for speaking that way and at the same time my younger daughter said, “Is that true?” I don’t even know if she knew what that meant. I just confirmed that daddy is seeing another woman.

I did end up allowing 3 friends to come over and I am so glad that I did. One friend brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The other 2 friends ended up cleaning out my fridge and cleaning up my kitchen. 2 of these friends have experienced divorce. They were all amazing at helping both my older daughter and me just by listening and providing the comfort of friendship. Two friends also brought their daughters over who are friends with my youngest daughter so they were able to play and be distracted while the rest of us talked.

After meeting with Robert, I felt like I was in very capable hands legally. After spending time with my friends and reading e-mails from other friends and family who now had a chance to respond to my e-mail news about the affair, I felt very built up emotionally and supported. I felt like I was taking control in a situation that was completely out of my control. It had been a long day. I had been up now for about 36 hours but did not feel capable of sleeping. I was now in business mode and I felt like I could write my husband direction on how I was planning to move forward.

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