adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, other woman, separatiion, unfaithfulness

Do I Really Need to Know Anything about the OW?

Dave emailed me this article last week, “What You Really Need to Know About The Other Woman”.  I didn’t read it initially. Cleaning out my inbox today, I decided to see what he sent before deleting.  He made no comment, just copied the article and sent it.

My take away from this article:

  1. Dave is the only person to blame for his cheating.
  2. Our marriage was one of those marriages that experienced infidelity when it was not a “bad” marriage.
  3. We have not tried nor do I have any desire to “rebuild our marriage from the rubble”.  Dave has made no attempt to do this either and continues to see the other woman so I am not sure why he would send an article from the perspective of a wife who is staying with her cheating husband.
  4.  Cheating is awful even from the cheater’s perspective.
  5. The OW has a lot of issues to be able to be an OW in the first place and the cheater has no respect for her at all.  She needs help in her life.
  6. My ex and the OW were lonely people with something missing in their life.  Happy men and women don’t cheat however see #7.
  7. This is a big one that maybe Dave wants me to know:  Statistics support that the majority of men who cheat consider themselves happy in their marriage.  Affairs are an escape from other stressors in their life and a way to try to make them feel young and sexy.
  8.  What I disagree with is that there is no satisfaction in contacting the OW.  I did this once after finding out about the affair and it gave me great satisfaction. I have zero regrets about that one.  I don’t know one person who thinks I was crazy to do this.  Anyone who knows this story has only given me high praise and expressed admiration and awe for my boldness, courage and ability to stand firm and make the OW face what she did and who she did it against.
  9. I agree that there is no satisfaction in outing the OW.  I did this on my blog to tell the entire story.  It is what it is and she is who she is.  I do not feel any regret about doing it.  It is just fact.  I don’t feel any regret about telling her husband.  That wasn’t intentional.  Dave told our daughter and me that she wasn’t married and wasn’t living with anyone or even had a boyfriend. The universe worked that one out and it saved her spouse from the OW continuing her lies and deception to him. Too bad she didn’t have the courage and respect for her husband to do it herself but she is a cheater so I guess that is a given.
  10. Why my husband cheated makes no difference to me 3 years later.  He gave me some reasons at the time but they made no sense (I didn’t clean out the garage like he asked) so I don’t know if he has ever really been honest with himself about why he cheated.  Maybe he sent this article as a way to try and explain. Still doesn’t matter now. He has never expressed regret and remorse.
  11. I have no obsession with the OW.  I agree that she never should have been part of my life and I will do what I can to make sure that she never is part of my life.  I don’t want to see her or hear anything about her.  I hope she makes sure that doesn’t happen either. I suspect it is quite the other way around.  She will have to live with my presence in her life for as long as she stays with my ex and I suspect that her memory of me will last a life time.  Hopefully it will be a reminder to never fuck around with a married man again.  And when she learns about him cheating on her, I will be the first person she will think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Warrior Post: What You Really Need to Know About the Other Woman

“Anonymous” posted her story on another part of this site in response to what she noticed was a lot of talk and concern and obsession with the Other Woman. Her words are poignant and painful but it’s clear she’s taken a clear-eyed look at her marriage and the role she played in the breakdown of it. As we make very very clear on this site, nobody is to blame for their husband’s cheating. That’s on him. And not all marriages that experience infidelity are “bad”. But some are. And Anonymous took a forensic accounting of her own marriage and what had happened in it and then used that knowledge to understand her husband’s affair and how the two of them could rebuild a marriage from the rubble. ~Elle

  1. The OW debate seems to be showing up more and more on here, so I wanted to share a few things from my story.
    In therapy, my H and I had some brutally frank conversations. It took a while to get him to open up but when he did, it all came out. One of the “reasons” behind his A was our crumpling marriage. I couldn’t deny that. We were two people who co-existed in the same house with little connection at all. Days would go by without him having much to say and I just nagged and nagged like usual. It doesn’t excuse his actions but it’s the honest truth of what we were. I learned that my nagging was actually an attempt to get him to pay attention to me. Even bad attention was attention and I was yearning for that. I would constantly yell at him to give me an opinion on something but then I would just override anything he said and make the decision on my own anyways. He felt that I didn’t value him, his opinion or his input on anything so why would he bother to give it any more. One day in therapy, I was raging about the OW, how she seduced him and my husband cracked. He actually said to me “I did this to you! I DID! You think I’m so weak and feeble minded that I’m just nothing, that I could be so blindly tricked into doing this awful thing, that I wasn’t even capable of making this f&@king decision either?!” It really was a breakthrough for me when I realized how little I have made this man feel he was that he was grasping to even be acknowledged for doing something this awful. This was a decision that he made that I couldn’t override him on. I guess the whole bad attention is still attention thing was at play on his part as well.
    The other thing that stuck with me was him laughing about the OW seducing him. He told me how the OW had so many insecurities that she’d probably take it as a compliment if someone thought so much of her to have this hypnotic power over men. And that’s when I stopped giving her that power in my mind. She has nothing on me.
    I do believe many affairs start with two lonely people looking for something that is missing in their life. It’s not right, it’s so wrong and hurtful but I do think it boils down to that in many cases. The majority of happy men do not cheat. The majority of happy women do not cheat.  [ELLE’S NOTE: WHILE I AGREE WITH THIS IN SOME CASES, STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE MAJORITY OF MEN WHO CHEAT CONSIDER THEMSELVES “HAPPY” IN THEIR MARRIAGE. AFFAIRS ARE OFTEN AN ESCAPE FROM OTHER STRESSES, OR A CHANCE TO FEEL YOUNG AND SEXY AGAIN.] As much as it still hurts me, he found something in her even if it was just temporarily. And I blame him for that, just like he asked me to. He was right, he did this to me. I have forgiven him and we are moving towards being better together but I blame solely him. I can’t vilify this OW any more than I vilify him because he was the one who was supposed to cherish me and forsake others. He was the one I had built a life with. He had promised to be my partner in life. To forgive him and understand his flaws did make me think how she probably has her own demons that she’s struggling with. I do still have mean and nasty thoughts towards her but it’s fading every day and sometimes I hope she gets the help she needs so that she can have a second chance at life, too, just like I have given him. (And, then some days, I still wish she loses all her hair overnight, gains 100 pounds, gets horrible adult acne…!!!)

As others have posted, there is NO satisfaction in contacting her. There’s even less satisfaction in outing her to others. I say this from experience. You may think you’ll get some satisfaction but there’s none. Just none. It only makes you feel sadder. I exposed some before we started therapy. It only led to even more self-doubt and self-loathing on my part and a lot of gossip around town about how I was the crazy one. People may agree that you were wronged but they are very uncomfortable with a woman ranting and raving and pointing the finger! I heard more than a few “no wonder he cheated” comments which only fuelled my hysteria! One of my lowest moments in life was yelling at her 80-year-old parents about how their daughter was a whore and I hoped they were proud of her. If I could take that one action back, I would in a second. After I was hung up on by them, I just crumpled and wondered what I had come to. I felt I couldn’t hold my head up any higher than she could, I had handed her that power that I could be just as hurtful as her. And the shame I feel that my children know I did these things is another burden I bear. I teach them all the time that two wrongs don’t make a right, always keep your dignity… and it’s hard for me to not be embarrassed of my actions. I understand them, I have forgiven myself, I understand any one in our position lashing out but looking back, I just am not proud.

For all these reasons, I say let it go with obsession with the OW. I’ve read some stories on here of BS who admitted they were an OW long ago and we still support them because of their pain! And we do that because we are good and compassionate people on here. Take your energy and focus on him. Focus on learning why he did what he did. You have to understand why HE did this in order to move forward. It doesn’t matter why she did, it only matters why he participated. Focus on what you have done to hurt him. And then solely focus on you getting stronger as a couple. Don’t let thoughts of her continue to ruin any progress you are making as a couple. It’s easier said than done but don’t let her continue to be a part of your marriage, she didn’t belong in it before and she doesn’t belong in it now either.

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Florida, marriage, other woman, travel

My Nosy Ex

My girls and I were at our last stop in Calgary, Alberta before catching our final flight back to Victoria.  It was a long travel day and we were enjoying an excellent dinner at the Calgary airport. My daughter was legal drinking age in Alberta, 18 years old, so I was able to buy her a pomegranate mango passion fruit sangria (her choice) in a giant mason jar glass as her first legal drink.

My phone buzzed during our dinner and it was a text from my ex.  He said,  “btw… say hi to (friend’s name) for me.”  Some how he found out who I was staying with in Florida during our trip.  It is a guy that grew up on the same street as me in London, Ontario. He is 5 years older but my sister went to school with his sister, he knew my parents and me, we went to some of the same parties in high school and we reconnected in Toronto after university as we both worked in the insurance industry.

He was always very kind to me treating me to dinners, concerts and golf tournaments as his client when he was a marketing rep for a company that I used often for business purposes.  When Dave and I were travelling on a road trip down to Baltimore and then up the east coast he generously gave us restaurant gift certificates and baseball tickets at stops along the way.  He did the same thing after I won a trip to Las Vegas during a golf tournament he took me to as his guest.  Dave and I went to Vegas and then stayed an extra week renting a car to travel around California.

My older daughter had lunch with her dad today before I drove her to the ferry to head back to school. Her dad mentioned my friend and said that he knew him and didn’t know why we kept it a secret that we were staying with him.  It wasn’t a secret. Why would my ex think that me or my children should share any details of my life with him? My children didn’t find out about the trip until Christmas Day and we left at 3:45 a.m. the next day to go to the airport.  Their dad chose to see the girls for lunch on Christmas Eve so they didn’t even see him after finding out about the trip.  I told Dave in advance that we were going away and for how long so he was aware I was taking our daughters out of the country. He was fine with that, wrote me a letter for customs just in case, and didn’t ask where I was going let alone if I was going with anyone.

My older daughter asked him 3 times at lunch today how he knew that we were staying with my friend in Florida.  She said that each time she asked he changed the subject and never responded to her question.

Hmm, I wonder if he knows who slept over at my house the night before we left on our trip and who drove us to the airport and then picked us up the night we returned. 🙂

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, psychology, relationships

Negative Consequences of an Affair

Thank you, TheClip, for providing this link from “About Relationships”.  It describes my cheating spouse’s behavior and treatment of me to the dime. It helps explain and confirm that healing from the side of the faithful spouse is a longer, harder journey especially when the cheating spouse continues to try to force me to pay for his bad behaviour.

Mutual Agreements Mean Happy Endings:

There are differing types of divorce and each one has it’s own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this, the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement, settle their affairs amicably, and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Trouble Ahead:

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally divorce themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Enter The Third Party:

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

 When a third party enters a marriage, certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the cheating spouse. Their thinking becomes skewed in order to justify their their behavior. Denial of any wrong doing means shifting the blame and usually it all gets dumped onto the faithful spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

Feelings of guilt motivates them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair.

They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, “I was forced into marrying you” or, “You’ve never loved me the way I needed to be loved” or, “I have lived in hell for 20 years.” He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse by blaming the wronged spouse.

You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse’s cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today’s society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

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abuse, adultery, affair, Betrayal, blogging, bullying, cheating, children, control, cruelty, Defamation, divorce, Janice Andrews, marriage, marriage breakdown, other woman, reputation, separatiion

My Ex’s latest Threat and Bullying

My ex has been texting me a lot again.

Last month there were weird texts that he would end with an emoticon of lips (after wishing me to have a great day), or one blowing a kiss (after he told me to go fuck myself) or ending it with xoxoxo (after he told me he had inner joy knowing he didn’t have to come home to me).

It ramped up again after he unexpectedly attended our youngest daughter’s dance open house on Tuesday at 3:30 p.m.  I certainly didn’t anticipate seeing him at all for the week long open house, let alone at one of her earliest classes because work is an excuse he uses most times to break commitments and avoid these types of activities.

He initiated talking to me as soon as he saw me asking where was our daughter.

“I don’t know, probably getting changed for class,” I responded.  I had just visited with her in the bathroom and she entered the classroom shortly afterwards.

Then he asked me what the plan was for Christmas because I didn’t respond to his text.  I told him I never received one asking about Christmas so he resent it. Turns out he had in fact sent it previously but it was buried in several rants he had sent me and it looks like I responded to one of his rants at the same time he sent this completely unrelated message so I never saw it. I told him that if he had something important to ask me that it was best if he did it via email as texting for me is a tool just for quick answer and response forms of communication.

His next question to me was where he could pick up the poinsettias. I told him I didn’t know. He said that the email said that pick up was between 4:30 – 5:30. Ah, that was the reason he was there. He had to get the plants he ordered. When he disappeared shortly after my daughter’s second class started my girlfriend told me he had to get his poinsettias and then go to hockey. That also explained to me why he changed picking up our daughter on Tuesdays.  His hockey schedule changed.  His change meant that I could no longer participate in my run group that I was part of for the last 5 or 6 years every Tuesday night.

He texted me the next day, yesterday, and it happened again that he sent a message, I responded and before I could respond he sent another message at the same time that got buried behind my response.  When I mentioned that he didn’t respond to my question he became very belligerent. He asked me if I was taking so many medications that I had an inability to read.  He said I only look at the negative and complain about everything. He criticized me comparing me to people in my life he thought were negative and then chastised me for not being more like other people in my life that he named as being positive. He said that I asked him not to text me but I spent our daughter’s dance class texting. He accused me of doing it on purpose because I like everyone to know what I am doing. He told me he thought I had bipolar issues. He said I waste a lot of my personal time on him for someone who is supposed to be happy and having the time of her life. He said that even though I tell him he is wasting my time I contact him a lot. He said that for someone who has moved on I am writing about him a lot. I claim one thing but do the opposite. Then he told me I was like a used car. I am a lemon and that he’s happy to get a new, better and improved model.  He said that getting rid of me almost 3 years ago was the best decision he ever made. He suggested that if I win my court case against him I should use the money towards a make over because I am in dire need. He then said he couldn’t care less what I look like because he is happy being with someone who loves him and our kids. He said I can spend thousands of dollars chasing my tail but money is meaningless. He assured me that when I act like an ass he will treat me like an ass.

Then today he texted me saying that he, Janice and Coast Claims are suing me for defamation for my blog. He said I have harmed their reputations by identifying them which has resulted in lost business opportunity. He said that I have made their case quite easy to win. They will be seeking damages and I may want to get some legal advice.  Then he ranted that I lost our older daughter’s passport photos and I lose everything, including my dignity and sanity.  He texted me again saying that my anger and bitterness has gotten the best of me and because of my blog, the statements I have made about him, Janice, releasing information that was confidential about Coast Claims and the employees is damaging and I am going to be sued and will pay financially very dearly for my repeated abuse. He told me to get myself a good lawyer because I am going to need it.

His final text to me tonight said they are all suing me because of our kids. A lawyer last night at their client Christmas party apparently mentioned the blog and the impact on the kids when they see it and this lawyer apparently recommended suing me. He said that his partners have wanted to for awhile so its really just good timing. He said that no one asked me to take down the blog. I was asked to remove personal and identifying information. Now they are going to ensure that happens legally and I will end up paying their costs and damages. I better get a job to pay for my legal fees and their award because they will enforce the award and if it means I will live on the street so be it. He told me to remember what I said about karma…It’s a bitch darling and now its your turn. Merry Christmas!!

 

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, marriage, other woman, separation

Another Nanny

When I returned to work full-time, after having my second child, we hired nannies.  My mother-in-law come to my home two days; a friend came for 2 days and another friend came for 1 day.  We also had my niece employed as a live-in nanny for 2 months during the summer.

My husband worked around the corner from where we lived and he would come home for lunch every day. Never did I think there was a chance he would come home and screw the nanny.

I often wonder how Dave and Janice feel when news breaks about a marriage or relationship ending because of an affair. I know how my daughters feel when we watch t.v. and something on the subject comes up.  I know they sometimes verbalize their disgust and disappointment or they go very quiet depending on the show and how the information unfolds. I have broken the ice with others if the mood is tense based on the cheating subject by saying something either genuine or mocking like–“been there, done that, got the T-shirt and lawyer bill as a souvenir.”  I wonder how much more awkward it would be for a husband and wife who have experienced infidelity in their marriage but stayed together. They must relive the pain all over again every time.  I know that Dave and Janice mocked the subject on Twitter. Like a Teflon frying pan, guilt and ownership just slides right off them.

I was thinking about this with the media attention surrounding Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage that tore apart by Gavin’s relationship with their nanny.  I wondered if Dave and Janice think what shitty people Gavin and the nanny are?  Do they ever consider how devastating it must have been for Gwen to find out her husband had been sleeping with the nanny for 3 years, right under her nose, even while she was pregnant with one of their children? Do they think how disrespectful they were? Do they consider how sad it will be for 3 children now that their parents are divorcing because of the affair and how their lives are now set on completely different paths?

Or instead do they think, Gwen must not have been meeting her husband’s needs? They likely believe there was obviously something wrong in the marriage for Gavin to have done what he did.  Do they think how sad it is for the nanny to have her name, Mindy Mann, her face and image splashed around the media? Do they think how sad it is for the nanny and her family to have to deal with the public shaming? Do they feel badly for the nanny who went into hiding because she got found out?  Do they want to contact papers and entertainment shows to admonish them for reporting on such things screaming that, “Everyone needs to move on.” Do they think how terrible it was that another nanny ratted her out? Do they blame someone else that their sexting and the nude photos of Mindy were found on the family iPad and that the children had access to this information? Do they think it is love between Gavin and Mindy? Do they think that the affair “just happened” and that no one was looking for it? Do they see Gwen as acting like the victim when they feel she was likely the cause of it instead?

I wonder if they detach themselves from these situations and don’t see themselves in the same way that most view this ultimate betrayal.  I suspect they justify it saying things like, “Ethan Hawke married his kids’ nanny so it must be true love and meant to be.”  I bet they look on whatever positive they can muster up to justify themselves and spin it in their favour. They do , I am sure, because Dave has always excused and minimized their behaviour. They have even got their friends to rally behind them and support them on this blog. I bet they can’t even see themselves as acting exactly the way these people did.

Here is an Ethan Hawke quote, “To act all indignant that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn’t faithful to you is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey.” Wow, guess the nanny shouldn’t be too comfortable in her role as his wife as he has given her fair warning what to expect along with grey hair. He has also given her a license to cheat.

When Chris Du Burgh got caught with his kid’s nanny he said, “I got caught up in something a bit like getting on a train. When I got on board it was stationary and it started moving a little faster and a little faster . . . By the time we were going at 80 mph, I realised I couldn’t jump off without getting badly hurt.”   Typical cheater mind-set.  Worried about their own hurt and using that as an excuse for the no-sense-stopping-now attitude instead of considering anyone else’s feelings and doing what is right over what feels better. To underscore this cheater’s selfishness, he fooled around on his wife (the one he wrote the song ‘Lady in Red’ for) while she was recovering from a broken neck. She probably deserved it for not being able to meet his needs at that time.

When Maria Shriver found out that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fathered a child with their housekeeper and was paying the housekeeper child support (or shut-up money) she filed for divorce. Arnold said that, “A lot of people, no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are in life, make stupid choices involving sex.”

Nannies, housekeepers, coworkers–all just easy, convenient prey in the path of the lustful husband.  These women care more about what they are getting out of it than thinking of anyone else.  Do these women have such low self-worth they can’t say ‘no’ or do they have zero morals and values and feel entitled to have whatever they want or whoever is desperate enough to take them? Do they really think that they must be better than the wife and that it is love? Is it all just selfishness and greed? Ben Affleck’s nanny was seen driving a new Lexus after he and Jennifer Garner split because of her. Robin Williams’ marriage ended when he fooled around with his son’s nanny.  The nanny got promoted to be his personal assistant and then moved up the ranks to wife #2. Janice’s quality of life increased with my husband. Janice’s husband was even one of the people who told me that.

Jude Law was engaged to Sienna Miller when he got caught fooling around with the nanny for his kids from his first marriage. His response: “I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us.”  Really? He’s fathered a couple of kids with flings since. Interesting how woman are less cautious with birth control when their partner has more than they do. Probably why my ex was so anxious to get a vasectomy in the year before I know that he was having an affair. Wonder who was before Janice or at least who he was hoping was before Janice. I am convinced he just threw out the net and pulled in whatever he could.

These nannies do not love the children they are caring for otherwise these types of affairs would never happen. Who can say they love the kids and then go and sleep with one of their parents in secrecy and deception. The nannies may as well have cut the head off the family pet, too. They love themselves first and that is probably it. Dave likes to say that our children are fine with Janice. He thinks they are forgiving and get along great with her. He thinks they have a relationship. Janice will never love my children. You can’t love someone when the only reason they are in your life is because you chose to selfishly fuck them over. My kids do what they have to do in order to have some type of relationship with their dad. Janice does what she does in order to try and look good to Dave. She never bought my younger daughter anything until this Thanksgiving but she tried to win over my older daughter with gifts for her birthday the last 2 years and Christmas. She treats my older daughter noticeably better in front of my younger daughter and both my kids know this. It is all surface level interaction. Janice can’t even put aside her own feelings and insecurities to treat my children fairly and equally. She gave my older daughter a box of food to take to university. I ended up bringing most of it all back home and donating it to the food bank. My daughter hates cereal and nuts. The box was filled with the cereal bars, granola bars, chocolate bars with nuts and there were other things my daughter would never eat.  She wouldn’t even keep the food to give to her new dorm mates. If Janice really cared about even my older daughter she might have asked her what food she liked or actually would want to spend time getting to know her. The other woman’s focus is only on pleasing herself and making sure she has what she wants.  The cheating spouse thinks the focus is all on him.  Only because she is getting what she wants through him.

I have “No Doubt” that there will be another nanny.  And what makes them feel so secure?  If the husband is able to fool the wife for 3 years, why would the nanny, Janice or any other woman out there think they won’t get the same treatment in return? Take whatever you can selfishly grab now because there is unfortunately always another woman out there ready to spread her legs or open her mouth for the next promotion and there is always a man who will say what he needs to or spend what he has to for sex. And men, these woman will just as easily leave you when a bigger carrot is dangled in their face.

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adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

   “King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband.  But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”11 “This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. 12 You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie.  In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed.  When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway.  In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways.  In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse.  Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards.  King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.”  David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6)  Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ.  Matthew 1:6 logs, “and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, infidelity, narcissism, other woman

Trolling

troll-internet2

Emmagc75 had this troll on her blog site and I had to repost it because it is so my ex!!!!!!!

I think “Happy” gave up trying to post under too many different aliases because deceitfulness gets messy and complicated.  He already has enough personas in real life and probably has just lost track of who is supposed to be today.

“Sally” is just way too offended by everything.  Maybe he and Janice write together but he/she is so quick to respond, so eager to attack, and so very angry.  The agenda of all the personas is the same: blame everyone else, throw in some righteousness about caring only for the children, and maybe everyone will be distracted and the focus will be diverted away from them. We might be confused as to what really has happened to make the author start and continue to blog.

Sally is way too invested in anything I write.   I don’t think Janice would risk her job.  She already got her wrist slapped (suspended from work for 3 days) for using her work computer and work phone (which got taken away from her).  Tax payers wouldn’t like to think their tax dollars are paying her salary to comment on my blog all day.   She could lose her job over this and then she will have to be back in the office full-time with my ex.  I don’t think he would like that.

If she is reading these blog posts she knows that he defends the emails and Facebook messages he writes to other women flirting and propositioning them saying that everyone writes emails they wouldn’t want someone else to see.  Maybe that is what keeps their relationship alive and exciting.  He did describe his work place as a Mad Men episode, “everyone sleeps with everyone.” He might not want her to know who else he pursues in their office or what they do when she isn’t around.  He does live around the corner from his work.  He takes his work home with him.

Mostly he is way too narcissistic to not be involved in my blog.  He calls this my “15-minutes of fame.”  Never in a million years do I think of it like that.  He of course would and needs to get in on it.

The problem with pretending to be someone you are not is that the person you might be trying to protect and defend as innocent only comes off looking all the more guiltier and cowardly.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman

Dating Again

There comes a time when you realize your marriage is over and as part of the moving on process you start to date again.

I had the opportunity to have a fling two weeks after finding out my husband had been having an affair for at least the previous 6 months. It caught me off guard.  I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t expecting. I was on vacation with my children.  A family vacation we were all supposed to go on together but the discovery of the affair ended that.  I didn’t want my ex there and either did my kids.  Even though part of our vacation (2 out of 3 weeks) was staying with his parents, he also didn’t want to go (although he said he would have gone if I hadn’t found out he was sleeping with someone else, too).

Every night in Florida my children and I would take the golf cart down to the pool around 9:00 p.m. We would swim and hot tub. For the first week of vacation, it was just me and my younger daughter. On our first night there we met a very beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind and generous. He was very open about his life and was very interested in our lives asking both of us questions that showed a sincere eagerness to get to know us. He had a beautiful spirit. He was well-liked by the others that lived in the community as evidenced by the regulars that showed up for their evening swim. The caretakers trusted him and allowed us to stay past 11:00 p.m. every night giving him the responsibility of closing the hot tub and locking up the clubhouse and gate afterwards.

As our relationship built, my younger daughter would be watching the clock and if it was past 9:00 p.m. and I was still sitting talking to my in-laws she would come and get me to say that Aaron would probably be there by now so we should go.  If we got there first, she was constantly watching the gate for him to come in.  Every night he arrived.  I found myself anticipating him coming through the gate as well.

He invited us to do a lot of things during the days and evenings and go to places where he was also planning to attend.  He told us about beaches we should check out and places we should shop and eat.  We met him one evening on the beach where there was a drumming circle (he had learned that I took African drumming lessons so insisted we had to join him for this). There was a fire-pit, hula-hooping and other free-spirited activities as well as arts and crafts vendors.  It was a very joyous event.  He asked to borrow my camera.  I didn’t realize until afterwards that he used it to take random photos of my daughter and me enjoying our time together. It was so sweet and a gesture that meant a lot to  me since I was always the one in our family who recorded the memories and rarely did anyone, especially my husband, take a photo of me unless I asked.

My younger daughter couldn’t wait to introduce him to my older daughter and her friend when they arrived the next week.  They opened up to him right away and he helped them with their perspective on school, stress and boys really giving them some deep insights on his life philosophy that seemed to make a positive impact.

My older daughter said that he was obviously interested in me and we should go and buy condoms that night.  I assured her that I would definitely not be taking our relationship to that level.  She wanted me to be with him so much and when I questioned her about it she said that it would serve dad right and that it would help me to heal.  I promised her that revenge sex was never the answer and that random sex with someone you barely knew was not beneficial at all (although that was  my mom answer to a 15-year old because I did entertain the thought and I did buy condoms just in case).

I think it was God’s sense of humour and his assurance to me that I would be fine. Aaron would show up at the pool in a white bathing suit that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had an amazing body. He was younger than me but I never did ask him his age. I showed up at the pool looking my worst–no makeup, over weight, wearing a mom bathing suit that was completely lacking sex appeal, and my hair would be wet and/or pulled back in a pseudo bun/ponytail thing. But Aaron made me feel desirable and wanted. It turns out that he was a nude model. He showed me photos of sketches taken on his phone that students had drawn of him as he posed.  When my girls were distracted he showed me the real thing. I saw that there was definitely “more” out there.  It was all such a funny and surreal situation coming on the heels of the devastating realization about the infidelity of my husband just a couple of weeks earlier.  We had each others phone numbers and  although he invited me to his place after taking my girls home I couldn’t be that example for my kids. Plus I was staying with my in-laws!  I considered sneaking out but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

On our last night there he brought 5 Chinese lanterns and took us into the field behind the pool where we lit them and released them making wishes. When we were saying our good-byes he reached up and touched my lip.  As inexperienced as I was with another man touching me, I assumed there was something on my lip.  He said, “No, I just think you are beautiful. I think you are an amazing person, a great mom and that you are so lucky to have the kids that you have. I am very envious of your family.” Then he kissed me.  My daughter’s friend saw this and was so excited to let me and my girls know that she saw this happen.

He has contacted me a few times since, most recently 2 weeks ago.  He always sends some nude photos but they are always tasteful, professional, amidst nature or with some artistic flare. I showed my girls just one photo of his nude bum this weekend and we all laughed hysterically.  For them I think it is just funny to imagine this young man sending these images to their mom. He asked initially for me to send him some nude photos of myself but I told him I would never do that.  He has never asked me since. He tells me that he remembers me fondly, always wants to make sure that I am doing okay and he always asks me when I am coming back to see him.

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adultery, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, other woman, separation

Weekend Report

My daughter ended up spending Friday night, after her dance classes, with her dad. I texted her at 6:45 p.m. to see if she needed me to pick her up as she had reported being too ill to go to his place.  I knew she was able to be in her dance class when she didn’t respond.

In the meantime, I was invited on a dinner date. I figured that if my daughter managed to participate in her dance classes from 3:30 – 7:45 p.m. that she was going to go to her dad’s place after all. I suspected that it was anxiety about spending the night at her dad’s.  If I had picked her up after school she would have sacrificed going to dance just to avoid her dad’s place. When I put the onus back on her to let her dad know she was cancelling because she was sick and when I wasn’t able to pick her up earlier she chose to just go to dance. She could have taken the school bus that goes to our home instead of the dance studio if she was really ill.

So regarding my dinner date, there is always the history with my ex in the back of mind. What if she texted her dad saying she was sick and that I was going to pick her up earlier so she could go home instead?  What if she told him she was sick and couldn’t go to his house but still needed a ride home and he told her he wouldn’t drive to the dance studio just to pick her up if she wouldn’t go back to his place?  What if he received a better invitation?  I wanted to see my friend, as it had been a long time since we spent any time together, so I told him my predicament and that the best I could do was fast food in case I needed to leave quickly.

My daughter texted me at 7:45 p.m. to say that she was going to go with her dad. Her symptoms were much improved because the Bove wasn’t present. She texted that she would rather be home but that it was only one night. Why only one night, I wondered? If her dad was making a change to make his child a priority wouldn’t he want to spend the whole weekend with her?  Or did she set up her own plans to avoid that?

Her dad dropped her off at noon the next day back to my place.  She revealed that he was on his way up to Parksville (1 1/2 hours away) for a party and was staying at the Beach Club Resort overnight. Of course he was. I knew it was impossible for him to actually manage to spend an entire weekend with his daughter. (I reported he did spend 2 Saturday nights ago with her but forgot he actually dropped her at a birthday party at 4 and didn’t see her again until noon the next day). This was “his” weekend and yet to him that means playing the dad role only if time permits in between what he really wants to do instead.

Our daughter knows that.  She has lived this for more than 2 1/2 years now.  It will never change. She will never be a priority in his life, ever.  If he keeps his next commitment, he will see her again in 4 nights, Thursday, for 2 hours.  So over a 96 hour period he will see her for 2 hours max. Then, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will see her again in 7 days on the next Thursday for dinner, that will be a 168-hour period in which he sees her for 2 hours. The math doesn’t lie. That is a failing percentage. He is failing his daughter. He is failing as a father. Quantity time matters.  If he throws the Bove into the equation that subtracts from time with his daughter. The Bove is equivalent to a big zero and my daughter is left with nothing.

He did come back Sunday night and pick up our daughter to take her to his place for dinner. Afterwards, he took her to the beach to see the lunar eclipse. Sadly, for my daughter, the Bove crashed her time with her dad and once again my ex managed to turn time with his daughter into a big negative.

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adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, other woman, Twitter

DC@thegoalie29

Both of my children follow their dad on Twitter.  He claims my blog will hurt them if they find it yet he feels it is okay to post sexual images and comment on sexual images that exploit and degrade women that the other woman, Janice Andrews, tweets.

Even his profile photo is of a banana taking advantage of another banana.Dave's twitter photo

His comment on the yoga oral sex photo is “Sign me up”. Janice's yoga tweet to Dave

He mocks the cheating husband sign with his comment “Oh my!” Janice's tweet to Dave re cheating

Dave's twitter sex photo image

Another sexual image on his Twitter account.

If he wants our children to think more highly of him then maybe he should be less concerned with my blog and more concerned about his own words and actions.

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