abuse, adultery, affair, Betrayal, blogging, bullying, cheating, children, control, cruelty, Defamation, divorce, Janice Andrews, marriage, marriage breakdown, other woman, reputation, separatiion

My Ex’s latest Threat and Bullying

My ex has been texting me a lot again.

Last month there were weird texts that he would end with an emoticon of lips (after wishing me to have a great day), or one blowing a kiss (after he told me to go fuck myself) or ending it with xoxoxo (after he told me he had inner joy knowing he didn’t have to come home to me).

It ramped up again after he unexpectedly attended our youngest daughter’s dance open house on Tuesday at 3:30 p.m. I certainly didn’t anticipate seeing him at all for the week long open house, let alone at one of her earliest classes because work is an excuse he uses most times to break commitments and avoid these types of activities.

He initiated talking to me as soon as he saw me asking where was our daughter.

“I don’t know, probably getting changed for class,” I responded. I had just visited with her in the bathroom and she entered the classroom shortly afterwards.

Then he asked me what the plan was for Christmas because I didn’t respond to his text. I told him I never received one asking about Christmas so he resent it. Turns out he had in fact sent it previously but it was buried in several rants he had sent me and it looks like I responded to one of his rants at the same time he sent this completely unrelated message so I never saw it. I told him that if he had something important to ask me that it was best if he did it via email as texting for me is a tool just for quick answer and response forms of communication.

His next question to me was where he could pick up the poinsettias. I told him I didn’t know. He said that the email said that pick up was between 4:30 – 5:30. Ah, that was the reason he was there. He had to get the plants he ordered. When he disappeared shortly after my daughter’s second class started my girlfriend told me he had to get his poinsettias and then go to hockey. That also explained to me why he changed picking up our daughter on Tuesdays. His hockey schedule changed. His change meant that I could no longer participate in my run group that I was part of for the last 5 or 6 years every Tuesday night.

He texted me the next day, yesterday, and it happened again that he sent a message, I responded and before I could respond he sent another message at the same time that got buried behind my response. When I mentioned that he didn’t respond to my question he became very belligerent. He asked me if I was taking so many medications that I had an inability to read. He said I only look at the negative and complain about everything. He criticized me comparing me to people in my life he thought were negative and then chastised me for not being more like other people in my life that he named as being positive. He said that I asked him not to text me but I spent our daughter’s dance class texting. He accused me of doing it on purpose because I like everyone to know what I am doing. He told me he thought I had bipolar issues. He said I waste a lot of my personal time on him for someone who is supposed to be happy and having the time of her life. He said that even though I tell him he is wasting my time I contact him a lot. He said that for someone who has moved on I am writing about him a lot. I claim one thing but do the opposite. Then he told me I was like a used car. I am a lemon and that he’s happy to get a new, better and improved model. He said that getting rid of me almost 3 years ago was the best decision he ever made. He suggested that if I win my court case against him I should use the money towards a make over because I am in dire need. He then said he couldn’t care less what I look like because he is happy being with someone who loves him and our kids. He said I can spend thousands of dollars chasing my tail but money is meaningless. He assured me that when I act like an ass he will treat me like an ass.

Then today he texted me saying that he, Janice and Coast Claims are suing me for defamation for my blog. He said I have harmed their reputations by identifying them which has resulted in lost business opportunity. He said that I have made their case quite easy to win. They will be seeking damages and I may want to get some legal advice. Then he ranted that I lost our older daughter’s passport photos and I lose everything, including my dignity and sanity. He texted me again saying that my anger and bitterness has gotten the best of me and because of my blog, the statements I have made about him, Janice, releasing information that was confidential about Coast Claims and the employees is damaging and I am going to be sued and will pay financially very dearly for my repeated abuse. He told me to get myself a good lawyer because I am going to need it.

His final text to me tonight said they are all suing me because of our kids. A lawyer last night at their client Christmas party apparently mentioned the blog and the impact on the kids when they see it and this lawyer apparently recommended suing me. He said that his partners have wanted to for awhile so its really just good timing. He said that no one asked me to take down the blog. I was asked to remove personal and identifying information. Now they are going to ensure that happens legally and I will end up paying their costs and damages. I better get a job to pay for my legal fees and their award because they will enforce the award and if it means I will live on the street so be it. He told me to remember what I said about karma…It’s a bitch darling and now its your turn. Merry Christmas!!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, Frank Elsner, marriage, Police, separatiion, shame, the other woman, Trust

Police Chief still in trouble

Although the Victoria Police Board initially tried to skirt the issue of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, inappropriately communicating with the wife of one of his subordinates, by saying he was not under investigation, the issue isn’t going away that easily.

The police union announced yesterday that there is “…no confidence in his ability to continue to lead the Victoria Police Department.”

When Victoria mayor, Lisa Helps, was interviewed on the news tonight, she was now the one stuttering when asked about her confidence in the police chief.

The police board and the union met today and will release a statement tomorrow. The Office of Police Complaints Commission will release a statement regarding the violation of public trust.

In my opinion, some positions of authority and leadership do carry a higher onus of moral responsibility. It will be very interesting to see if this man’s dream of finishing his police career here in Victoria as Chief of Police and then retiring in this city will be destroyed because of his stupid decision to build up his ego and fulfill whatever desires he might have had for another police officer’s wife.

Lesson to cheaters everywhere. Don’t do in private , secrecy and deceit what you would never want to be disclosed publicly for the world, your spouse, children and employer to judge. You have no idea what is at stake.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, marriage, Police

Just Another Dog?

In my Souper Bowl post I shared my experience of a very enjoyable lunch with Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner. When I found out he was married, that was the end of it for me. We had a legitimate connection and I loved the time we spent in conversation but I excused myself from the table and moved on.

I was so disappointed and saddened tonight when my friend texted me to say that my police chief friend was in trouble for inappropriate conduct with the wife of a Victoria Police officer. He told me it was all over the news. My heart honestly broke. I immediately thought of his wife and the one daughter that lives in Victoria, the same age as my youngest daughter.

I texted my close friend right away who is married to a Victoria Police officer to see if it was true. She confirmed it. I jokingly asked if she was the wife in question. More seriously I asked her if she had any inclination that Frank was a dog because after I told her about my interaction with him at lunch she clearly didn’t feel the same way I felt about him. I remembered that she had been spot on about my husband regarding his behaviour at our Christmas party, just 2 months before I found out about his affair. She told me she just found out about all of this and has only had a handful of interactions with the chief but “sometimes you just get a sense about someone.”

Sure enough, Global BC reported tonight that “Victoria’s police chief admits he is ashamed and humiliated by his own conduct. An internal Police board investigation has determined Frank Elsner exchanged inappropriate messages with the wife of a subordinate officer. Despite that, the civilian board is standing by the chief even as questions have surfaced about the nature of the board’s investigation of the entire affair.”

Frank came on the television and said, “This was a momentary lapse of judgement and again I, I (yes he stuttered) sincerely and fully take full responsibility for but I am really sorry for. It was really stupid.” For the intelligent man I had met and know him to be by his degrees and success, he did sound really stupid.

My thought then was that he should lose his job. He has to have lost all respect and confidence as the leader of a 200 plus police force and by the public. Why should the police officer of the wife he was inappropriate with have to answer to him. I know of a special task force officer who lost his job from this same police force for sleeping with another special task force officer’s wife. This is a job where trust of your coworkers can mean life or death. Confidence, trust and respect of your police chief for the public is paramount, too.

Apparently, Frank was contacting, via Twitter, a female, who is a member of another police force and is married to a Victoria police department officer. We have several municipality police departments around Victoria with separate police and RCMP as well. A physical relationship was implied but Frank denies any relationship.

Frank said that he brought the situation to the attention of his wife. He claims it is a personal matter and it does not affect his employment or his ability to lead this organization.

The board was trying to keep it all confidential because they support the chief and what he has done for Victoria and because two families have been “very affected” and “broken up over this.”

I am just sad. It seems personal to me.

Frank indicated: “This doesn’t meet the standard that is expected of me, or that I expect from myself,” he says. “This will never happen again…It’s over, it’s done with, and the matter is complete.”

I suspect that is very much what Frank wishes. My experience is that this is only the beginning. Certainly between he and his wife, his relationship with his daughters, the public, his police force, regulatory board, city council, coworkers, etc. the matter is definitely not complete. It will be a mark on his character for the rest of his life.

adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, difficult personality, Dr. Craig Malkin, marriage, narcissism, parenting

When to Walk Away and the Hot Potato Pass

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism” as per the video I recently watched, there are stop signs and reasons to leave a relationship with a narcissist.

Dr. Malkin says that the normal impulse is to run away from people like this and often that is a good idea. If someone is physically or emotional abusive that is a reason to leave and you may need professional help to get out. If they are in denial and can’t even say, “I think there is something wrong, I am having trouble here and it’s not going to get better”, that is a reason to leave. The third stop sign is if you see a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit. This can be a sign of severe psychopathy and they can be dangerous. You may require help to leave. I experienced everything mentioned at some point during my relationship with my husband. The physical abuse was a one time incident prior to getting married but it was significant. He grabbed my throat with both his hands and I scratched his face to get away. We were living in a condo at the time and we were in the end unit by the stairwell. He threw all my clothes down the stairs. I was wearing only a bathrobe and went to retrieve my clothes when he locked me out of our suite.

Dr. Malkin indicates that Narcissists depend on feeling special to feel good, to soothe themselves in a variety of ways instead of depending on people. He suggests that you can find out if the narcissist in your life has a capacity to share more vulnerable feelings and experience empathy, care and concern, if you open up and are vulnerable around them. My experience leads me to believe that my husband learned how he should act in certain situations. I believe he had an intellectual sense that he should be saying and doing something caring when in fact he didn’t feel those feelings. Anything deep and personal that I shared or displayed making me vulnerable only proved to me that he had no capacity for empathy, care or concern. I then learned to protect myself from additional hurt and rejection by keeping my true needs and feelings to myself.

Examples of why I did this is because I remember very specific times when my husband was so cold to me that the rejection and lack of care cut deeply.

There were 2 incidents that I recall before we got married. We were making Valentine’s Day dinner when I cut my finger very seriously. I went to the bathroom to run it under cold water. He came to see how it was and he accused me of squeezing it to make it bleed and to make it look worse. I was doing the opposite by trying to stop the bleeding. We did in fact end up in Emergency and I required stitches. Another time was when we played baseball together. I fell and broke my foot. I couldn’t get up and everyone came over from both teams to help me. Every single person on my team came except Dave. I was carried off the field and had to go to Emergency again. He drove me there. I eventually needed surgery on my foot. I had a huge cast and was taking Oxycontin. They wouldn’t even let him pick up the prescription because of the seriousness of medication and the doctor had to be called. I couldn’t get up and walk alone and I was in so much pain but completely stoned from the meds. He left me the next day to go and play golf. I remember it was later in the afternoon when he came home. I was in tears trying to get up just to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t even get to the kitchen to get any food or drink.

After we had been married for about 7 years, I remember sobbing in the tub on my dad’s birthday, 4 months after he passed. It was 3 weeks after 911 and I was 2 months pregnant (had just had a miscarriage before my dad’s sudden death from a head-injury after a fall) and I was feeling very emotional. Dave heard me and never came to see if I was okay. He made some comment afterwards and I told him it was my dad’s birthday. He just said sorry he didn’t remember but that was it.

I remember during the birth of our second child that I was feeling really badly because my husband was complaining at the hospital that it was cold, he had sore feet and that he had to help transfer me to the gurney to take me to the operating room. I remember feeling so guilty that I couldn’t push the baby out quick enough to ease his discomfort and annoyances.

After the birth of our second daughter he was so mad that I needed him to stay in the hospital with me overnight to help me get the baby in the night to feed her and change her. I just had a C-section. I begged and insisted he had to stay. He refused to stay the second night and he made me feel so badly for needing his help that I was fine with him leaving.

When I came home from the hospital, I was sobbing. They wanted me to stay in longer (I was definitely struggling physically following the surgery, had breast feeding issues and had passed some very large blood clots. The one my husband saw and the nurse noted was the size of a grapefruit. I thought my whole insides were falling out. I was also showing signs of post partum depression) but I felt I would be better at home as I got no sleep in the hospital. Before we arrived home, I needed items for me and the baby at the drugstore. My husband made me get out of the car and go into the pharmacy myself to get my prescriptions. I could barely walk let alone bend over and I literally could not stop crying. Several nights later, I was in a lot of pain with a blocked milk-duct. After doctor consultation, we were told that nursing was the only way to unblock it without surgery. I dreaded feeding her because when the baby latched it was agonizing. My breast was so infected I had a fever and diarrhea. I was shivering with the fever, sitting on the toilet and my husband came and gave me our new baby because “one of us has to get up and work in the morning.”

Another significant memory for me is after my mom passed away, he yelled at me for not driving my sister to the airport and for asking him to do it instead. When he came back a week later after I was left alone, with both my kids to look after, to clean out the rest of the house my parents had lived in for 50 years, he yelled again because I needed him to take some items to Goodwill. He had no idea how much work I had to do, how little sleep I had, the pressure of the time line for the house closing and how much stuff I had to get rid of let alone the emotional toil of the situation.

According to Dr. Malkin, one of the ways narcissists dodge feeling uncomfortable is to pass their insecurities onto someone else like a game of hot potato. They try to get you to take on the feeling they don’t want. One of their manoeuvres is to question your every move. They try to get over their own vulnerable feelings of not being good enough by making you feel like you are the incompetent one. They play emotional hot potato.

I definitely experienced this with my husband and realize now it intensified during his affair. One night he came home from work and questioned what I did all day. I told him one thing was that I cleaned out the fridge and that I pulled it out and cleaned behind it as well. I was telling him how dirty it was when he went over and accused me of scratching the hardwood floor by pulling it out myself. I constantly felt like I couldn’t do enough to please him.

Dr. Malkin specifically says they start to nitpick at you to make them feel better about what they’ve done.

I also remember him coming back from a trip to Vancouver and accusing me of not cleaning the kitchen while he was gone saying that the same dishes were on the counter. I told him they were new dirty dishes but he tried to insist I did nothing when he was gone.

I also vividly remember him so intensely angry over a coworker who allegedly lied to him. He said he was going to confront this person for saying he received after-hour calls that he went out on when he didn’t. I remember trying to calm my husband during his outrage. Meanwhile, he was the one lying about so many things to me, the affair included.

Recognizing and understanding more about narcissism has helped me to realize that I am so much better off without this man in my life. Love covers a multitude of sins and I did love my husband but the affair and his behaviour preceding my discovery of the affair and his handling of my feelings afterwards made it clear that walking away was my only option. Now that I have stopped loving this man as my husband, his sins are no longer covered in my eyes. I see very clearly. I never kept a record of his wrongs or brought these things up but again when I stopped loving him as my husband memories of these things come flooding back. It seems obvious to me now that this is a man who is not capable of true, deep and meaningful love with another human being. I don’t qualify the statement as him just being incapable of loving me because I am aware of enough examples surrounding our children and others who he should have deeper relationships with to recognize that I am not the problem.

Understanding narcissism better has helped me be able to distance myself and depersonalize my husband’s behaviour towards me. It is still painful, especially the betrayal and unfair and cruel treatment over the past 2 1/2 years, but I am not near as reactionary in response to my ex’s tirades, callousness and even his hatred towards me. It helps to explain some of his behaviour including the affair, his treatment of his children during our separation and his inability to accept his responsibilities in honouring our mediation agreement and the other legal proceedings.

It has also made me realize that the discovery of his affair was a blessing in disguise. I deserve so much better. I deserve someone who is capable of loving me especially in my weakness and vulnerabilities. Someone who actually cares about my needs and wants and desires me to feel special.

My ex’s ongoing behaviour has helped confirm that he does have deep rooted issues that will not be resolved by him leaving our marriage. One day the ‘other woman’ just won’t be able to make him feel special enough. This I am confident as I already know he has approached other women during his relationship with her.

In the storm and chaos that my ex continues to create around me, I am finally able to experience inner peace. My life is hopeful, happy and I am discovering new gifts every day as a result of my new life.

http://www.oprah.com/own-show/How-to-Spot-the-Hidden-Narcissist-in-Your-Life

adultery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, divorce, Dr. Craig Malkin, narcissism, Oprah, parenting, psychology, relationships, separation

The Secret Signs of Narcissism

I recently received, in my inbox, an email from Oprah.com with an article entitled “How to Spot the Hidden Narcissist in Your Life”. I watched the video that teaches you how to protect yourself after identifying an narcissist by learning how to engage and when to walk away.

Beneficial to me was the coping mechanism of “catching the narcissist doing something good.” This direction on how to approach the narcissist in your life suggests that you point out times they show caring, concern or empathy. Research shows that the more the narcissist sees they can rely on feeling good from relationships the less they turn to the addiction of needing to feel special or superior in other unhealthy ways.

I tried this.

I thanked Dave for selling the 3 coupon books that I gave him for our daughter’s dance program. I also complimented him on selling the 10 raffle tickets I gave him to sell. I thanked him by text for getting the money back to me and then suggested that he might want to even look at buying some gift cards for places that he regularly frequents, through her dance program fundraiser, for himself and Christmas gifts. A specific percentage, depending on the company, goes back to our daughter directly. He got back to me a few days later and said he had money for the poinsettia fundraiser, too. He gets all the fundraising emails but he has never raised funds for her before. My response, “Wow, you did poinsettias. That is awesome. I hear they are beautiful for the price.” He asked what he had to do with the order forms and I told him that I would hand everything in for him. He mentioned that the order had to be in that day so I just asked him to email the rep and let her know it would come in the next day and make sure that was okay. He did.

A couple of days later I asked him if he was interested in picking up our daughter from dance on a night that I had a conflict. He didn’t respond for 3 days so I made other arrangements but then he did respond saying he would get her. The day after he picked her up I texted him saying, “Thank you for picking up (daughter’s name). I am sure she misses seeing her dad every day.”

The blurb under the video I watched has this message:

It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist, but knowing who they are can save you from heartbreak. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, breaks down the hidden warning signs of a narcissist. Watch as he explains how they work—and how you can protect your own emotional health.

The video is only 6 minutes long and worth the view.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman

Dating Again

There comes a time when you realize your marriage is over and as part of the moving on process you start to date again.

I had the opportunity to have a fling two weeks after finding out my husband had been having an affair for at least the previous 6 months. It caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t expecting. I was on vacation with my children. A family vacation we were all supposed to go on together but the discovery of the affair ended that. I didn’t want my ex there and either did my kids. Even though part of our vacation (2 out of 3 weeks) was staying with his parents, he also didn’t want to go (although he said he would have gone if I hadn’t found out he was sleeping with someone else, too).

Every night in Florida my children and I would take the golf cart down to the pool around 9:00 p.m. We would swim and hot tub. For the first week of vacation, it was just me and my younger daughter. On our first night there we met a very beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind and generous. He was very open about his life and was very interested in our lives asking both of us questions that showed a sincere eagerness to get to know us. He had a beautiful spirit. He was well-liked by the others that lived in the community as evidenced by the regulars that showed up for their evening swim. The caretakers trusted him and allowed us to stay past 11:00 p.m. every night giving him the responsibility of closing the hot tub and locking up the clubhouse and gate afterwards.

As our relationship built, my younger daughter would be watching the clock and if it was past 9:00 p.m. and I was still sitting talking to my in-laws she would come and get me to say that Aaron would probably be there by now so we should go. If we got there first, she was constantly watching the gate for him to come in. Every night he arrived. I found myself anticipating him coming through the gate as well.

He invited us to do a lot of things during the days and evenings and go to places where he was also planning to attend. He told us about beaches we should check out and places we should shop and eat. We met him one evening on the beach where there was a drumming circle (he had learned that I took African drumming lessons so insisted we had to join him for this). There was a fire-pit, hula-hooping and other free-spirited activities as well as arts and crafts vendors. It was a very joyous event. He asked to borrow my camera. I didn’t realize until afterwards that he used it to take random photos of my daughter and me enjoying our time together. It was so sweet and a gesture that meant a lot to me since I was always the one in our family who recorded the memories and rarely did anyone, especially my husband, take a photo of me unless I asked.

My younger daughter couldn’t wait to introduce him to my older daughter and her friend when they arrived the next week. They opened up to him right away and he helped them with their perspective on school, stress and boys really giving them some deep insights on his life philosophy that seemed to make a positive impact.

My older daughter said that he was obviously interested in me and we should go and buy condoms that night. I assured her that I would definitely not be taking our relationship to that level. She wanted me to be with him so much and when I questioned her about it she said that it would serve dad right and that it would help me to heal. I promised her that revenge sex was never the answer and that random sex with someone you barely knew was not beneficial at all (although that was my mom answer to a 15-year old because I did entertain the thought and I did buy condoms just in case).

I think it was God’s sense of humour and his assurance to me that I would be fine. Aaron would show up at the pool in a white bathing suit that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had an amazing body. He was younger than me but I never did ask him his age. I showed up at the pool looking my worst–no makeup, over weight, wearing a mom bathing suit that was completely lacking sex appeal, and my hair would be wet and/or pulled back in a pseudo bun/ponytail thing. But Aaron made me feel desirable and wanted. It turns out that he was a nude model. He showed me photos of sketches taken on his phone that students had drawn of him as he posed. When my girls were distracted he showed me the real thing. I saw that there was definitely “more” out there. It was all such a funny and surreal situation coming on the heels of the devastating realization about the infidelity of my husband just a couple of weeks earlier. We had each others phone numbers and although he invited me to his place after taking my girls home I couldn’t be that example for my kids. Plus I was staying with my in-laws! I considered sneaking out but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

On our last night there he brought 5 Chinese lanterns and took us into the field behind the pool where we lit them and released them making wishes. When we were saying our good-byes he reached up and touched my lip. As inexperienced as I was with another man touching me, I assumed there was something on my lip. He said, “No, I just think you are beautiful. I think you are an amazing person, a great mom and that you are so lucky to have the kids that you have. I am very envious of your family.” Then he kissed me. My daughter’s friend saw this and was so excited to let me and my girls know that she saw this happen.

He has contacted me a few times since, most recently 2 weeks ago. He always sends some nude photos but they are always tasteful, professional, amidst nature or with some artistic flare. I showed my girls just one photo of his nude bum this weekend and we all laughed hysterically. For them I think it is just funny to imagine this young man sending these images to their mom. He asked initially for me to send him some nude photos of myself but I told him I would never do that. He has never asked me since. He tells me that he remembers me fondly, always wants to make sure that I am doing okay and he always asks me when I am coming back to see him.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, other woman, Twitter

DC@thegoalie29

Both of my children follow their dad on Twitter. He claims my blog will hurt them if they find it yet he feels it is okay to post sexual images and comment on sexual images that exploit and degrade women that the other woman, Janice Andrews, tweets.

Even his profile photo is of a banana taking advantage of another banana.

His comment on the yoga oral sex photo is “Sign me up”.

He mocks the cheating husband sign with his comment “Oh my!”

Another sexual image on his Twitter account.

If he wants our children to think more highly of him then maybe he should be less concerned with my blog and more concerned about his own words and actions.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Sexual images, Twitter

Jannypoo@smeepsmeep

The other woman, Janice Andrews, under her user name, “Sally”, insists I should take down my blog and specifically her identifying information for “the sake of the children”. Both Janice and my ex, under his user name, “Happy” as well as the other fake followers they created, insist if my children found my blog it would do them harm.

Yet, they both have Twitter accounts that my children follow. Janice knows my older daughter follows her. They have commented back and forth to each other yet she feels it is okay to tweet images with sexual content that exploit and degrade women and contain inappropriate comments like, “Fox me real good”. She even mocks a story about 23 cheating husbands getting what they deserve and she specifically tweets all of the images to my children’s father @goalie29.

Here is a sampling of how she protects my children from harmful content on line.

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Ex, family, Residence, University

Taking my daughter to university

As many times as my oldest daughter asked my ex to take me with them so she could be with both of her parents to travel to university, he refused. She contacted me the day before she had to move into residence and told me she asked one last time but her dad said, “No!” I assured her not to worry that I would still be there. She told me that my ex booked a reservation on the 8:00 a.m. ferry so I told her that I would be on the same one.

I arrived at the ferries at 7:15 a.m. lining up with the other vehicles waiting to board. I went into the terminal to get something to eat for breakfast. When I came out and was walking back to my car, my younger daughter called my name. She was in the front passenger seat of a vehicle I didn’t recognize. It was a white pick-up truck. Both girls told me later that their dad had purchased a new vehicle.

I walked over and said “hi” to my girls. My younger daughter was so happy she spotted me. She beamed that she could see my hair in the window so she knew I was there. I confirmed with my older daughter the name of her residence house. There are 8 houses and they have some difficult First Nation names and spellings. I told them I would meet them at the university. Then I went back to my vehicle and waited to load.

On the ferry, I sat in a row of seats by a window. With it being the start of a long weekend it was very busy but I actually had a row of seats to myself. I was reading for about 30 minutes when my kids found me and sat down beside me. They had gone for breakfast first. Their dad sat down with them. We each conversed with our children but didn’t say a word to each other. It made no difference to me at all that he was there.

We returned to our cars after the 1 hour and 35 minute ferry ride and then I drove by myself for the next hour to travel to the university. I ran into them as I was walking to my daughter’s residence and they were returning to my ex’s truck. They had unloaded everything and now needed to move his vehicle to the parkade where my car was already parked. My daughter asked her dad if he would just let me walk back with them and drive with them so we could all stay together. He said that there was no room. My daughter tried to explain to me where to go and I told her not to worry about it, that I would find it, and just meet them back at her room.

I met some great people on the way to her dorm. I chatted with parents and students about where they were from, why they chose this university, which residence would be their new home, etc. It was a gorgeous, sunny day and there were tons of students dressed in bright blue shirts that were guides and question answerers to make everyone’s transition smooth. I bought my daughter a plant and then headed to her house with the personal guidance of one of the blue shirt students.

My daughter’s roommate hadn’t arrived yet. We all helped our freshman unpack and set up her room. When we were done her dad left to go back home. My younger daughter and I stayed and we all went for lunch in the residence dining hall. There was a great selection of food. Then we went back to her room and met her new roommate and mom from Winnipeg. They were so nice. They had never been to Victoria before so I invited her to come back with my daughter for Thanksgiving. They invited us to their cabin in Minnesota.

My younger daughter and I said our goodbyes and left to do some back-to-school shopping in Vancouver. Then we went to my sister’s house for dinner. Two of my nieces and their live-in boyfriends joined us. It was a whirlwind visit as the last ferry departed at 9:00 p.m. and we had at least a 40-minute drive to get there. It was so wonderful to see them. It had been almost 2 years since our last visit. We would have stayed over if I didn’t have pets to get back to and my other niece and brother-in-law were planning on visiting us the next day to go to the fair. We made it to the ferry with enough time to run into the terminal to buy an ice cream cone before being called to our vehicles to get ready to load.

My university daughter texted me just before we boarded the ferry. She thanked me for coming even though her dad tried to make it difficult for me to be there and for the “survival kit” that I left her. She had a very fun ‘Welcome BBQ’ for her house and said that she had met a ton of friends already from all over the world. She was off to play board games.

I am so excited for this new chapter in her life. I feel like we managed, for the most part, to make the day all about her.

abuse, adultery, affair, bullying, cheating, deceit, divorce, fighting, lies, pack behaviour, pack mentality

Feeding Frenzy and Understanding Dave’s Pack of Wolves

The Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

The pack leaders are the alpha male and female. These two animals are dominant over all the other wolves in the pack. The beta wolf comes next acting as the second in command. The omega wolf is the weakest and least cared for in the pack. It tends to be bullied by other members and gets the brunt of aggression during inter-pack fighting. The omega instigates play among the pack as a way to ease tensions.

The alpha male and female get to eat first at kills. A pack usually consists of 6 wolves but can be anywhere from 2 – 36 wolves. The pack can consist of adult subordinates. They can hunt in packs or singly. To establish the dominant position they show superiority in their fighting. Wolves are intensely territorial.

Pack rankings are built on strength and the ability to win fights. I’ll let Dave, Janice and the rest of their pack figure out where they rank. If Dave isn’t creative enough to be organizing 11 different user names all trying to attack me and other bloggers or people who have made supportive comments on my site then it is likely Janice, the beta in the group or quite possibly the omega, trying to better themselves and prove their worth amongst the pack.

As they continue to stalk their pray, I will likely not respond and choose instead to let them starve. They can snarl all they want about me taking down my blog. They can bark all of the lies that Dave has fed them. They can bristle their fur and pounce. They will be the ones to whimper, running away with their tails between their legs. My tail is still wagging!

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: affair