abuse, affair, Betrayal, bullying, cheating, children, cruelty, difficult personality, divorce, domestic abuse, ex spouse, infidelity, other woman, parenting, single parent, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse

Ask and You shall Receive…an Insult

I asked my ex tonight if he was able to pick our daughter up from the ferry on Sunday, October 2 at 5:30 p.m. He responded, “Sure”. I was surprised not only that he responded to my request but that he responded so positively and so quickly.

Just when I started to text a thank you back I immediately received another response from him that is much more typical, “Oh no wait I’m away I cant”. Then he sent another saying, “That’s your weekend I believe”. He knew all along he wouldn’t do it but thought he would play with me by saying ‘yes’ to start.

I responded, “Okay. Thank you for considering.”

His response: “Well thnka s for offering”. (yes that is how it was received, same with the last text spelling.)

I mentioned however how the month of September has been going for seeing his children: “I didn’t know we had weekends. You didn’t see (daughter’s name) when it was “your” weekend and then you didn’t see her the next weekend to make up for it. We just figure it is always my weekend unless you make plans to see her.” It has actually been 3 weekends in a row he hasn’t seen our daughter.

His response: “Whatevs tubs. Go eat some cheese cake and chocolate cookies.”

I didn’t respond and had no interest in communicating further.

His next text: I have plans…as usual you’re last minute Larry…if you asked sooner might have been able to do something for you.”

I had to point out: “Last minute? It isn’t this Sunday it is next Sunday. That is 10 days from now. Does that mean you will be having (daughter) this weekend?

His response: “I’m not wasting my time conversing with you…good night and eat another piece of cake darling”

abuse of power, affair, breach of contract, child support, control, divorce, Family Law, finances, infidelity, running

Marathon

I went for a run this morning and forgot my ipod. I really didn’t feel like being alone with my thoughts but I wasn’t going to drive back to get it. I was on my way to run around Elk Lake and took the dog with me so he could explore off leash. It was a gorgeous sunny day but I was feeling like the run was going to be a slog without music.

My financial situation was foremost on my mind. Not only does my ex owe me for pet expenses, our daughter’s dance expenses and a few other random expenses that are now more than a year old (we ran out of time to settle these in court in January of this year) but now he is refusing to pay some ongoing support payments, his share of our daughter’s dance expenses for this dance season and he is throwing as many obstacles my way as he can to prevent me from doing things that need to be handled.

Our oldest daughter moved back in with me when she returned from her first year of university at the end of April. Initially, my ex refused to even acknowledge that she was living with me. Finally he agreed to pay $500/month for her starting in May. This is technically only $300/month because I am still paying $200/month support to him for her since she lived with him the year before she went to university. He just deducts what I owed from his support payment for our younger daughter who lives with me.

The BC Family Law Act states that child support is payable until age 19 years and then after that if the child is still dependent. Our oldest daughter meets the dependent definition as she is attending school full-time. However, my ex determined in August that since our daughter will be 19 in 4 months she should learn responsibility as an adult and pay for her own tuition, school supplies including text books, cell phone, rent, food, clothing, etc. and be working while she is attending school. He indicated that he would therefore not be paying me support anymore for her and he stopped this September 1. He continues to deduct the $200 of support for me to pay him as though she lives with him and he is paying her full living expenses.

He apparently spent her entire $19,000 RESP (registered education savings plan) during her first year of university. He continues to refuse to provide me any documentation about her RESP or any breakdown of the expenses he paid last year. I have never seen a tuition invoice, residency invoice or meal plan invoice. He claims that his accountant did her taxes but he has failed to provide us with a copy of her tax return. She needed information from her tax return to apply for a student loan. He also told my daughter she received a tax refund of $750 but she has never seen a cheque.

I have written post dated cheques for her monthly rent that started September 1. I got the back to school items that she needed and I took her to school which involved an $88.20 ferry ride each way. I’ve made sure she has spending money for food. She did work full-time during the summer so she has some spending money and paid $549 for some of her text books but still needs more. She asked her dad to help take her to school as well since she needed his vehicle to bring her larger items but he refused. Not only did he refuse to help, he told her that if I showed up at his place to help her move any of her belongings that she had stored there that he would call the police on me.

Our youngest daughter made Team Canada for dance. My ex has indicated that not only will he not pay for any aspect of this but that he will also not take her to any of her rehearsals. She competes in Riesa, Germany in November. Practices are on the mainland in BC which again means $166 in ferry fare each weekend (14 x) plus the 2 other times I had to take her there for a workshop and choreography week which involved hotel stays. Plus $3600 for the trip, competition fees, choreography fees, team jacket, etc. Costume fees on top of that. It is such a huge opportunity and with her dad apparently spending her RESP as well I feel like this might be what helps her to get into a university with hopefully some scholarship money.

I did try to apply for some sponsorship for the cost of her participating on Team Canada but I was also asked for my tax information. Canada Revenue Agency stopped my taxes for pre-assessment this year. They asked for confirmation that I am paying support to my ex for our older daughter and that our younger daughter is my dependent. My ex said if I wrote a letter to that effect he would sign it as it isn’t his responsibility to write letters for me. I did that and resent it several times. He finally acknowledged he received it but still failed to sign and return the letter despite several follow ups on my part.

My rent at my new place was already $150 more and on October 1 it goes up another $300. My lawyer doesn’t think we can get a court date until November but in the meantime said she would write my ex’s lawyer for him to provide full support payments and request again the other expenses he is being asked to pay as per the mediation agreement he signed. This is just the most frustrating, long, expensive and what seems to be an unfair process in many ways.

I finished my run. It was tiring and a little painful but I felt strong and accomplished at the end. I was glad it was done though. Prayerfully I can get to court in November and my year ends with me feeling the exact same way. I want to look back and know that the process was grueling, painful and there may have been no music to motivate me through but I did not give up despite the difficulty. I know it will feel so good when it is over. This is my marathon on a very rugged and hilly terrain with terrible weather conditions and very little water to drink.

adultery, Christianity, divorce, infidelity, renting, separation, the other woman

Lifting my Anchor Again

One overwhelming and very stressful situation that pushed my need to take the purposeful break from all aspects of my life involved another move.

While I was in the midst of my melanoma surgeries and still no indication the outcome would be the best case scenario possible, my landlord gave me notice that they were taking over my suite for personal use.

The housing situation in Victoria is crazy. There is a shortage of inventory. Overseas buyers are snapping up whatever they can and there has been a frenzy of home owners placing their home on the market to cash in on the ridiculous prices that home owners are receiving for their properties. My realtor is so busy. She told me she lists a home, has one open house the first weekend and then accepts all offers Monday morning. People aren’t even doing home inspections or placing any conditions on their offers. My realtor has been getting anywhere from 14 to 21 offers at once on a property. People are paying well over the asking price to make sure they win the bid.

As a result, the vacancy rate for rentals in Victoria is 0%. People are selling their homes to take advantage of the market and then renting hoping the market will either slow and they can buy back in or they are continuing to rent and just investing their money elsewhere.

I spent the 2 months after I received notice trying to find whatever I could as a place to rent. As a result of the rental demand not only have prices increased but landlords can be way more picky with tenants. I am not the ideal tenant as I have a dog, 2 cats (pets posed a problem for me even before the market change), 2 kids and no employment income.

Again, I had to rethink whether I could even stay in Victoria. If I were alone, I would definitely not still be here but my reasoning for staying the next 4 years is that I didn’t want to move my youngest daughter away from her dad, sister, friends and dance studio. Therefore, to find a place to live I was looking well out of the school catchment for my youngest daughter prepared to commute unreasonable distances just to keep her life as stable as possible. I had a hard talk with both my girls about options we needed to explore including them living with their dad at least temporarily until we found a place, placing the pets in foster homes and moving back to Ontario. Even my kids were trying to come up with ideas suggesting they would talk to their dad about him moving in with Janice and then us taking over his place and that Janice could have pets at her place so she could take them temporarily. They suggested staying on the island but moving up north 1 1/2 hours. In the end, they said, “Mom, we don’t care where we live but we want to stay the 3 of us together and the pets have to be with us.”

I investigated every referral from friends, searched online 4 or 5 times/day, placed my own advertisement, told anyone I met I was looking for a place, looked at places to camp and to stay over the summer for the interim and even planned out ways to exist as a homeless family. I tried to see if I could buy something even a trailer. I asked the landlord if we could stay at least a month longer and I tried to fight the eviction as well through the BC Tenancy Act dispute process to buy us more time. God was being clear; I needed to move on yet again.

Through a lot of prayer and perseverance, I found a place to move to 6 days before my eviction date. I found the ad on my 4th try that day on UsedVictoria. My daughter suggested I change my search to include smoking properties. I thought that would limit my search but it actually opened up this one property that didn’t care if we smoked or not in their unit. I knew from losing other places that I had to be aggressive. I called the new potential landlord, sent an email and although the ad was placed with no address, just the street name, I tried to drive by and find it from the photos as I planned to knock on the door to speak to the landlord. I couldn’t find it by driving by as I only had photos of the back of the house. When they called back they said it was too late for me to come by that night (I still asked). They were showing it at 10 the next morning. I asked if I could come at 9. I came with an application filled out, a letter about me, a page of referral names and numbers and a cheque to fill out for damage deposits and first month’s rent. They actually were planning on renting it July 1 but I said I would take it for June 1 as it was vacant and I didn’t care about any of the work they planned to do to get it ready. My dog was almost a deal breaker but I pleaded and asked if I could bring him by to meet them. I went and got the dog immediately and while I did that they called some of my references. We must have won them over because they accepted us.

$1300 in moving expenses and a lot of exhausting help from friends packing and moving boxes and hard-to-pack items over in advance confirmed again that I don’t want to keep going through this process. I have been getting rid of more and more stuff again as I am now renting less space for more money. More confirmation that the universe is telling me to lighten my load significantly. I better start abiding or I suspect I will be forced again to move and to get out of my comfort zone and lose more possessions. I am being prepared for something I am certain that is going to involve me leaving everything behind.

Right now, my youngest daughter and I are sharing a room. My older daughter is sleeping in what we call “the Harry Potter closet” as her tiny room doesn’t even have a window. My kids have never complained once about our new living environment. In fact my older daughter is the one to always say things like, “I lived in a dorm last year sharing a room and having less so this is no big deal,” or “we need to just be grateful we got a place”.

I am very grateful every day. I came back from the break refreshed, refocused and with a renewed energy and purpose. I have a lot to do and I am doing it.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, divorce, ex spouse, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

He let the Bat out of the Cave

It was my youngest daughter’s recital on the weekend. She danced in 4 shows. She had 7 dances in the Saturday evening show and 4 dances in the Sunday afternoon show. The other 2 shows she just danced in the final production number.

When my husband left us for another woman he decided that it no longer mattered if my daughter had anyone watching her perform. He certainly has been a “no show” at many of her events. Where we used to support her completely as a family and go to all her shows, he now may pick just one main one. She has no other family who live locally to come and watch her and this year none of her grandparents flew in for recital. She has worked so hard all year practicing for this final event that it would make me sad to think that she didn’t have anyone personal in the audience attending specifically for her. I usually buy an extra ticket and invite a girlfriend to come and watch just so she has more people to cheer her on and appreciate her talent and hard work.

In that respect, I was fine with my ex bringing “the other woman”. I just wanted my daughter to feel like people cared enough to come and see her and if that is what gets her dad out then so be it. It is the first time he has brought the OW out to something where he hasn’t hidden with her in the back and ducked out early.

I was walking down the aisle of the theatre with my older daughter to find our seats before the show started when my daughter exclaimed, “Oh well look at who is here.” She walked up and talked to her dad and Janice Andrews and when I realized who she was talking to I just kept going. I spoke to a friend who caught my attention as we were sitting in the same row and I was trying to figure out where in the row my seats were located. She said, “Yuck, did you see who is behind us?” Interestingly enough she was sitting with her ex. They always attend things as a family to support their daughter. I just smiled and said that I better go around to the other side to access my seats. Thankfully, I was sitting well away from my ex and the OW. While I was walking to my seat another family engaged me in conversation and my thoughts were long from my ex already. I had a glass of wine and was very excited for the show.

At intermission, my ex and the OW didn’t leave their seats. My older daughter went to talk to them and after coming back from the washroom I stopped at seats just in front of them to speak to friends who had just returned from celebrating their wedding anniversary in Hawaii.

When the show was finished we all met outside at the backstage door and encouraged my daughter. The OW didn’t say anything. When we were ready to go my ex and the OW walked ahead hand in hand. It wasn’t even weird that my husband was holding hands with someone else. I have no emotional tie to him or them at all. There was nothing about them that made me care what they did, where they were going or how they got there. I was happy to be with my girls and to be going home with them.

I was back to see my daughter perform her 4 dances the next afternoon show and to go out for lunch with her afterwards between shows. Her dad did not come to watch. He obviously had more important things to do.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Royal Theatrics from the Ex

I have been very grateful to not have any contact with my ex. I scan and email my receipts to him and I get the same negative response back that he isn’t paying. He might throw in a snide comment or two but it doesn’t even phase me and I never respond.

Then out of the blue I get an email from him with the subject line “Royal Theatre”. Our youngest daughter’s dance recital is in two weeks so I thought maybe he wanted to know if I purchased a ticket for our older daughter to attend. That thought in my own head didn’t make sense because even when she lived with him I bought her a ticket as he never did. This was his rant:

“I know you continue to have some weird fascination with me, however you need to get your own Royal Theatre account. I’ve changed my password several times as you well know, since you have gone in and changed it to something else several times. It would probably take you less time to just get your own account, but for some reason you seem stuck on using mine? I know this because I can see your order history, address info and credit card. I contemplated contacting the theatre to cancel or report your tickets (row D seats 16&17) as being stolen, but it’s frankly not worth my time or energy.”

I, too, have gone to the Royal Theatre with the same concern. This was 3 years ago after we separated. I set up the Royal Theatre account more than 4 years before that even. Dave and I actually shared my personal email. He had his work email but we just had one family address. I was the one who always purchased the theatre tickets and the account is registered with my email address. Now when I login with my email address which hasn’t changed, and put in my password, I will find he has accessed the account and changed the billing address and credit card information to his own. I change it back for ordering but when I have picked up tickets at the box office his name has been printed on them. I tried to set up a new account but because I only have one email address it tells me I already have an account and it won’t let me set up a new one. I explained the situation to the theatre 3 years ago and they made changes while I was at the box office watching them but obviously it is still a problem.

He seems to keep thinking I am changing his password but it is my account so I access it with my own password. I guess he registered his email to the account as well and maybe that is why he is able to keep changing the password and accessing my account but I have never changed the password and I have never not been able to get in to their website to order tickets because he has changed it.

I will go to the theatre again with a copy of his email to show them that there is an issue with the account and certainly a privacy concern as well. I am hoping with his threat of cancelling the tickets and/or reporting them stolen that they will ensure there is a fix to the problem.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, cheating, child support, children, divorce, Janice Andrews, other woman, separation, single parent

Meddling Other Woman Money Motivation

My older daughter returned from university at the end of April.

She lived with me for the summer last year and each time she returned from university she only stayed with me. She decided that upon her return from university she would live with me for the 4 months she is home for the summer.

The other woman decided to discuss this with my daughter. She tried to encourage her to live with her dad. She said, “Your mom doesn’t even have a separate bedroom for you to stay in does she?”

My daughter was feeling very stressed by the other woman initiating this conversation with her. I have no idea why she would get involved or even care. When my daughter did live with my ex, she was left alone most of the time while my ex worked and then went to the other woman’s place afterwards. Whenever I would drop her off there, no matter how late at night, his vehicle was never in the driveway and she always seemed to come home to an empty place. He would sleep at the other woman’s place and my daughter was by herself.

I suspect it is a money motivation. I currently pay my ex child support for my older daughter as she lived with him for one school year following our separation. As my ex has to pay more per child than I do based on his higher income level, he simply reduces his child support payment to me for our younger daughter by the amount that I owe him for our older daughter.

Now that it is obviously clear that both children are living with me full time, my ex is refusing to change the child support amount. He initially tried to argue with me that our older daughter still hadn’t decided where she was going to live and she was just “visiting” me so she could see her pets and sister. It has now been 1 month and she hasn’t stayed at her dad’s place once. He argued that her resume had his address listed. When she updated her resume, however, she listed my address and applied for jobs closer to my home. She obtained a full-time job and I am the one who drives her to work or gives her bus fare and I am the one who makes her breakfast before she goes to work, packs her a lunch and picks her up after work.

My ex said that if she does decide to stay with me he’s not saying he won’t pay support for her but it hasn’t happened yet.

He is now arguing that I don’t pay him support for our older daughter. This is his latest email to me on this topic:

” (Older daughter’s name) has not stayed with you full time since July 2015. (Older daughter’s name) primary residence has and remains as my place. Even her resume shows my address. Her mail is delivered to my address. Her belongings are at my place.

I’m not sure where you get the idea you pay support? You don’t pay anything. If so provide me with a copy of payments made to me? If you think that I don’t pay you any support for (older daughter’s name) is somehow you paying me, then you need to seriously rethink how you view things. And if you think you’ve paid for anything of (older daughter’s name) over the last two years other than a passport, again you’re seriously mistaken. I’m the one that she comes to and says Mom says it’s your responsibility to pay for things. You have a very strange way of viewing things at times.

I’m not continuing this dialogue with you. My lawyer has everything and it is up to the lawyers to communicate. If that hasn’t been done, then please have your lawyer follow up with (his lawyer’s name).”

We go back to court in June. This is just another dispute to add to the list.

I did send the other woman an email to the work email address listed to contact her on her employment website telling her to mind her own business and to not interfere in trying to persuade my daughter where to live to suit her own agenda.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, divorce, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

The Mystery Poo

My older daughter sent me a screen shot of a message she received from her dad today.

Dad: Did you come by my place to use the bathroom?

Daughter: No? I am at work in Sidney. Why?

Dad: Over the weekend?

Daughter: No not at all. Why?

Dad: There was a turd in my toilet.

Daughter: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I haven’t been there.

Maybe I’ll get a call from the police tomorrow questioning me as to whether or not I have a key to my ex’s place and asking for a sample of my DNA to rule out it belonging to me. Another nutty complaint in the police file he and Janice are building against me.

Not sure if he was away with Janice over the weekend or away with someone else. Maybe he’s copied a key to his place to one too many women and someone is sending him a stinky message. I know he gave another girl at their work (the one I suspected he was having the affair with) his apartment key while he was away so she could come in and feed his fish.

Or it is the just the universe’s way of re-gifting what he has figuratively given to me and our girls so many other times during the past 3 years.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, Uncategorized

Lemonade

I love that Beyoncé’s HBO special and new album, Lemonade, are getting a lot of hype. No one is immune to cheating regardless of how loving, talented, beautiful, intelligent, successful or any other enviable trait.

The lyrics in this album are so powerful: “Are you cheating on me? You can taste the dishonesty. It’s all over your breath.”

What is also universal–no one has any love or respect for the other woman. Whether it is Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or both, their taunting of Beyoncé and dismissive, trite comments like, “Good hair, don’t care” sure do not win them any love. Rachel Roy is only now denying an affair with Jay Z because she has apparently received death threats on her and her children’s lives. Her Wikipedia account was hacked saying she died on April 23, 2016 under the lemonade stand.

The emotional ride on this album is one that anyone who has been cheated on can relate.

Regardless of how good Becky’s hair is, she has way too many other issues of lack that she tried to fill up by being the other woman. I’d take a bad hair day over being the other woman every time.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, Christianity, divorce, faith, God, melanoma, separatiion, Spirituality, the other woman

A Spreading Cancer and a beautiful Crater

I met with the doctor on Friday afternoon, last week. She was held up in the operating room at the hospital so she was late getting back to her office. There were two patients for her to see before me so it was close to 3:30 when I finally got to meet with her.

The melanoma in my right arm has spread beyond the 5 mm perimeter on one side. Therefore, I require more surgery. My doctor wanted me to come in on Sunday. I told her I was leaving in the morning for March break. I was leaving with a girlfriend and her two daughters along with my daughter for a road trip. We had reservations at the Running Y Ranch Resort in Klamath Falls, Oregon for Saturday. We booked to stay for the week (an amazing deal of only $150/week for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo) but we planned on leaving Thursday to go to Portland as our girls are in a dance competition. It would be a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles and then another 10 hour drive to our destination so I really couldn’t delay the trip for 2 days without disappointing 4 other people.

We discussed the risks of waiting. My doctor said if it was a basal cell carcinoma she would say it was okay to wait but she reminded me we are dealing with melanoma and “ideally” it should come out today. She said there were two benefits of waiting. Firstly, the scar on my arm is very tight. The longer it has to heal the more chance there is skin for her to pull back over my wound. She also said waiting until I get back would give her time to try and see if she could order a small batch of skin bond glue. It is very expensive and I will have to pay for it. She said she would see if she could order just enough for my procedure. It will cost about $50.

So I made the decision to carry on with my trip. I booked my surgery for the first available appointment my doctor had after Easter which is the end of March break.

I do not regret my decision, at this point anyway. We are having an amazing time. The resort was beautiful. We made a lot of use out of the huge pool that we had to ourselves a lot of the time. We enjoyed the Shriner circus, shopped, explored the lava beds in California, the Wildlife Refuge, climbed mountains, descended into caves, went on self-guided nature walks, visited Petroglyphs and learned a lot about the Madoc and Klamath Indian battles with the white settlers.

The highlight was being able to experience the awe of Crater Lake. We had wanted to go early in the week but due to snow storms there was no visibility even if we could make the drive up there. We were able to view the webcams around the lake from our resort lobby. There was no visibility. It was fogged in. The road was completely snow packed. The road had been closed the entire time we were in Klamath Falls but we heard that you could snow shoe from the Visitor Station to the rim in about 30 minutes. We decided to chance it on our way back towards Portland. It was a clear, sunny and warm day. It turns out that the road reopened just two hours before we arrived so we were able to drive up to the rim.

It was a very spiritual experience for me. The half million years it took for Mount Mazama to form. Then the battle that was brewing inside it until it’s final eruption 7,700 years ago. So violent was that eruption that the foundation cracked in a complete circle and the entire mountain collapsed in destruction. When all that was left was the empty, scarred caldera it became filled with melted snow to form the deepest lake in the United States and possibly the purest source of water in the world. It was a real reminder to me of how the most difficult and traumatic experiences in our life that completely leave us depleted can be filled with everything good and pure and turn our lives into the most beautiful, unimaginable creations.

20160317_153131 20160317_153119

adultery, affair, Cancer, divorce, infidelity, melanoma, separation

Cancer Update

Last Thursday, I contacted my specialist’s office as I was surprised I still hadn’t received any information about the pathology report following removal of the malignant melanoma tumour in my right shoulder. I was told that it had not been received and they too were anxiously awaiting the report and would call as soon as it came in.

Today, I was contacted that the report has now been received. When I went in to have the stitches removed it was my understanding that if the surgery was successful and there was no more sign of cancer there would be no need to return. I would just be referred to the Melanoma expert for ongoing monitoring and genetic testing for me and my girls.

I was hoping that my specialist would call directly again saying that there was good news this time. I wanted her to call and say that the cancer had all been removed and that I didn’t need to go back. I thought she would confirm the referral to Dr. Patrick Kenny’s office and tell me that his office would call me with my first appointment date.

Instead, I was contacted by my specialist’s assistant. She told me that the doctor needed me to come in so she could go over the pathology results with me directly. She asked if I could come in on Thursday or Friday.

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A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: divorce