children, dance, divorce, mediation, separation agreement, special expenss

A moment of conscience and acceptance of responsibility

I was shocked when my ex turned up at my house on Friday with cheques for 70% of my youngest daughter’s dance payments to begin September 2015 including a direct withdrawal authorization form for her studio.

As per our mediation agreement, he is to pay this amount but he was also to pay 50% of these payments for the period of November 6, 2014 to June 26, 2015 (date of mediation to when the house sale closes) and it never happened. The arrears will be deducted from any amount he is due from the sale of the house.

I suggested several times that he attend my daughter’s dance registration on June 12 so he can participate in the process of determining what dance classes he is prepared to help finance. He was already relaying to my lawyer through his lawyer that he couldn’t afford to pay for any dance so when he asked me the cost of what she wanted to take I figured it was only so he could say, “No.”

To help save money, my daughter dropped Hip Hop classes for last season and agreed to not participate in the summer dance camp. To help ensure she could continue to dance next season, she chose to drop Musical Theatre and again to not participate in the summer dance camp. I explained this to my ex, calculated what I thought the monthly fee would be for next year, the costume deposit amount and the registration fee.

When I returned from registration I texted him to thank him for paying his share of the expenses and to confirm she was registered. I also let him know that I had miscalculated the amount. At her level, she is required to take a Ballet Tech class for 1 1/4 hours/week. That translates to $23 additional monthly dollars ($230 in total for the whole year). I also missed one costume deposit. She takes Pointe ballet. At her level for next season she is required to perform Pointe in the recital. The costume deposit, that doesn’t have to be paid until October 1, 2015, is $60. I apologized twice for my mistake and let him know the amount he owed is $201. I let him know that I already covered this with the studio by adding it to my monthly withdrawal and in my costume deposit cheque.

I anticipated an angry, “you messed up, you pay the difference”, response but instead I received, “That’s okay. We’ll work it out.”

I actually texted back to him, “Who are you and what did you do with my ex?”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, control, divorce

Spider Solitaire

When I need to relax and clear my mind or just escape from the heavy to-do-list, Spider Solitaire is my go to distraction.

It is a difficult game to win. There are a lot of moves to make. There are choices and options. I know I sometimes miss things because I am impatient and move too fast. Sometimes I am so unsure and so eager for a window of opportunity that I wait for the computer to cue me on whether a move is available or whether I do in fact need to draw more cards. I can get very tense when I am down to my last draw and then there are times I am filled with relief and gratitude when I think there are no more moves only to find out I still have cards left in my draw pile.

When I lose, I usually just play a new game with a whole new deck but lately I have been replaying the same game over, especially if I think I am close to being able to match the King through Ace all in the same suit in a single line, to see if I can change the outcome.

The replay of the same game does in fact end differently. Randomly, I just choose differently without remembering what I did in the game I just finished playing. Sometimes, I remember a specific choice I made and choose differently. I sometimes succeed in completing a set based on these different decisions. This sparks my optimism that I can in fact match 7 more lines. For the most part though, regardless of the changes, the final outcome remains the same. It still results as a loss in my statistics.

As in life, you are dealt your cards and you play them as best you can. If the cards you need are buried and you are not able to access them no matter how hard you try and no matter which decisions you make it seems futile. I think it is a worthwhile practice to see if you can make the deck work for you. I never fold and quit even if the end is inevitable. I may play quicker with less care and mindfulness but I see it through.

Why do I continue to play a game that is so difficult? The main reason is that I enjoy it. It is a challenge but it is fun. The more I play, the more I am learning that some moves are more wise and give me better odds than other moves. I also know that sometimes it doesn’t matter what I do. If the cards aren’t in my favour my effort doesn’t make a difference. I always have hope of a win. To be given a second, third, hundredth, thousandth chance with a brand new deck feels very good. Starting again feels very good. It is exciting and fortuitous to be dealt a brand new set of cards with a whole new set of possibilities. Every new deck signifies a fresh start to achieve the outcome we all want–a win! It gives me great pleasure to hear those fireworks go off when I accomplish success and match all 8 lines! And when that doesn’t happen, I try again.

adultery, cheating, divorce, family, infidelity

The In-laws, my Birth Mom and their Grand Kids

Divorce definitely affects the entire family, all those extended members included.

For the first time my birth mom and my in-laws arrive in Victoria for the same week. The event that attracts them is my youngest daughter’s final dance recital of the year.

My birth mom arrived last night at 11:00 p.m. and my in-laws arrive tonight. They flew from the same airport, with the same airline, the same flight number, but one night apart.

What surprised me, although honestly it is ridiculous that my ex’s behaviour can still surprise me, is that although my in-laws came specifically to see my daughter dance, my ex only got them tickets to see one of her shows. She dances in 4 recitals but Saturday afternoon she has 4 dances and Saturday evening she dances in 5 completely different numbers than the first show. My older daughter said that her dad told her the afternoon show is duplicate. I assured her they are 4 dances that my daughter as never seen; ballet, tap, jazz tech and one of her Company numbers and that the evening show is entirely different with my daughter performing 2 different musical theatre numbers, jazz, modern and lyrical. She asked if I could get her a ticket.

I texted my ex to ensure he was in fact going to miss his daughter’s afternoon performances and that he did not get our daughter and his parents tickets to the afternoon show. He confirmed this was the case. I told him I was disappointed he wasn’t going to support her at her first show. His response, “My choices are mine and for reasons you don’t know.”

So, although I had not seen or spoke to my in-laws since they came last year to see my daughter dance, I contacted my ex’s parents to let them know that their son did get them tickets to the evening show but that their grand-daughter was also in the first show. I said that they may have other plans but I wanted to make sure they knew she was dancing different dances in the previous show as well.

They indicated that they were coming to see her perform, they had no plans and they wanted to attend the early show as well. I told them I was getting their other grand-daughter a ticket and if they wanted, I could order their tickets at the same time so they could sit together. My father-in-law emailed me after I sent the ticket confirmation and thanked me for reaching out to them. Since my ex wasn’t going to be at the first show I invited them to join us for a bite to eat between shows.

I texted my ex to let him know I got his parents and daughter each tickets for the earlier show.

On Tuesday night my performing daughter came home to say that in fact her dad was now going to her afternoon show. I am so happy she will have an audience of family who are there to support her and focus on her. However, when I told my ex I had invited his parents to have dinner with us between shows when I thought he wasn’t going to be there he said, “Why would my parents want to spend any time with you?”

So, now we are back to the awkwardness of all of us waiting at the stage door for my daughter to emerge, congratulating her after her first performance maybe giving her flowers and gifts and then me taking her away for dinner while they go a separate way. Then seeing each other during the evening show and pretending all is fine. It also puts my older daughter in an awkward position because which group does she choose to go with?

My birth mom said to my performing daughter and me tonight, “Why can’t we all go to eat together?” Neither of us responded.

adultery, divorce, infidelity

Frustration!

I should be sleeping. But instead I am fuming over my ex’s need to fight, control, and to drag our dispute unnecessarily on and on wasting time, money and energy. For what? What is his pay off? It is interesting that his go to line to me is, “Move on.” Yet it is the one thing he simply can’t do.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with my lawyer today at $350/hour. She is equally frustrated with my ex’s refusal to follow through on any of our mediated agreements and it sounds like my ex’s lawyer is experiencing the same frustration with him. Bottom line: My ex doesn’t want to pay any money.

This is one of those cases that should have gone to court. My ex’s personality is not one of reason, fairness, justice or acceptance of responsibility. This should have been clear with the failed Collaborative process but I made the mistake of believing he really did want to put an end to this.

He knows a mistake was made in his favour saving him $35,000 in our mediated agreement. So you would think that he would very quickly ensure that all of the minor expenses he agreed to pay in mediation were handled to show he is following the agreement as set out to make it harder for me to repudiate it in court. But instead, he is fighting more and digging his heels in more.

He agreed to pay 50% of the pet expenses in mediation. He never has. He tried to fight the food expenses for the pets as though it were unreasonable for me to feed them. No vet bills, no boarding bills (these were agreed to in mediation as joint expenses) but all I incurred and submitted to him were their regular food bills and he said, “No.” Now his lawyer says he will pay the food bills but not after the house sale goes through on June 26. My lawyer lost it. She wanted to know then if I was supposed to euthanize the pets when the house sells.

He also agreed to pay 50% of anything the realtor wanted us to do to ready the house for sale. He did nothing that was required. When I told him some of the things that needed to be done and I needed help with he said in his texts to me on April 15, “Figure it out” and “Do what you have to do.” I did. Everything was itemized to him and now he is fighting most bills saying that I live in the house, it was regular maintenance, my responsibility. Yet, our house sold in 4 days because of everything I did. He was ready to accept $5000 less for the house yet he is fighting me on a gardening expense of $319. The realtor commented immediately on how great of a curb appeal difference she saw on just the first 4 hours of the gardener’s time. 3 large gardens at the front and 1 at the back were edged, weeded, bushes trimmed and composting all taken away with a dumping fee for that. Plus we have this horrible invasive weed known as horse tail that is brutal to pull out and very time consuming. He only has to pay 50%. The equivalent of 6 hours of hard work; around $150. He makes that in an hour. Plus, I was doing gardening as well to ensure we met the time crunch for listing yet I never charged him for my time.

I am getting sleepy now. Sorry for venting but I needed the release. So much more. So boring. Same old, same old. I am hoping we can just send these issues back to the mediator for an arbitration ruling as she wears both hats. We agreed in mediation but if any dispute arises over the agreement it should be able to be referred back to her and become binding arbitration on her decision. Otherwise, my lawyer is ready to go to court. It may save me thousands in the long run because my ex just can’t let go.

affair, court, divorce, fighting, legal issues, separation agreement

The Wolf and the Lamb

I received an email from my lawyer today with a copy of an email from my ex’s lawyer. He was complaining I let myself into his house when he was away in Vancouver. Then he said I did the same thing the next week. His lawyer wrote my lawyer saying my behaviour was “troubling” and I had “boundary issues”. This is how he wastes our money. Money that could be spent on our kids’ needs, on my housing needs, on debt repayment and I am sure he has needs as well. Making up stories with half-truths to try and paint me in a poor light is only my ex’s ploy to deflect from the real issues of his non-compliance. There is no legal issue. No reason to involve lawyers. No crime committed. Nothing the lawyers can do.

His complaints come only because I have outlined the next steps that I have to take if he continues to refuse to split the pre-separation debt with me. I cannot and should not have to pay back $75,000 all on my own. He asked for the supporting documentation which I sent him and spelled it out very clearly. He said he would discuss this with his lawyer. He got back to me later in the day giving his reason that he wasn’t going to contribute because he didn’t think I would take him to court as it will cost me more than the $35,000 I will gain from him if I am successful.

Then I asked him about the documents he has failed to provide to my lawyer that we need to move forward. He claims first he only just received notice they were needed last week and he was out of town. Then that changed to him saying he already provided everything. That changed to him saying he couldn’t provide his full income tax return because he hasn’t filed it yet. Then he claimed his life insurance never lapsed and it has been in force all along for $500,000. I asked him then why his lawyer wrote saying he was shopping for premium rates and that he should only have to get $300,000 in coverage instead of the $750,000 he had before. Then he claimed that his lawyer released funds to my lawyer from a property we sold that was to pay for all the things he was supposed to pay for in our mediation agreement but hasn’t. He said that I chose not to use this money. He said as a result I can pay the consequences for that decision. My lawyer is not at liberty to disperse any of that money without my ex and his lawyer confirming in writing how it can be spent and I have seen her letters following up repeatedly for this information.

I will address his complaint about my boundary issues and letting myself into his place in my next post. But as I was watching a rare electrical storm for this area and unable to sleep, I pulled out a copy of Aesop’s Fables. I came across one about the wolf and the lamb and it underscores perfectly what is happening between me and my ex with this current situation.

“As a wolf was lapping at the head of a running brook he spied a lamb daintily paddling her feet some distance down the stream.
“There’s my supper,” thought the wolf. “But I’ll have to find some excuse for attacking such a harmless creature.”
So he shouted down at the lamb: “How dare you stir up the water I am drinking and make it muddy?”
“But you must be mistaken, ” bleated the lamb. “How can I be spoiling your water, since it runs from you to me and not from me to you?”
“Don’t argue,” snapped the wolf. “I know you. You are the one who was saying those ugly things about me behind my back a year ago.”
“Oh, sir,” replied the lamb, trembling, “a year ago I was not even born.”
“Well,” snarled the wolf, “if it was not you, then it was your father, and that amounts to the same thing. Besides, I’m not going to have you argue me out of my supper.”
“Without another word he fell upon the helpless lamb and tore her to pieces.”

“The Application: ANY EXCUSE WILL SERVE A TYRANT.”

adultery, affair, cheating, child support, divorce, legal system, mediation, separation agreement, settlement agreement, spousal support

Say Goodbye to the World you thought you lived in

“’cause it’s all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.”
Any Other World-Mika

I don’t get it. I didn’t have the affair. My ex is still with the other woman. Shouldn’t he be happy? He has moved on and has ended pretty much every email to me over the last 2 plus years telling me to move on. Then why won’t he let me move on? Why will he not do the right thing? Why will he not give me a fair separation agreement we can both live with? He is doing anything to avoid having to pay me spousal and child support and divide our assets fairly. Why does he refuse, ignore, deny, delay, and avoid his obligations to provide documentation to his lawyer so his lawyer can get it to my lawyer. His lawyer is a personal friend. Shouldn’t there be some pride to want to show your friend you are good person; a responsible person? His lawyer is frustrated, too. Shouldn’t my ex just feel slightly bad for his actions (adultery, cheating, lying, deception, tearing family apart) that he want at the very least a fair settlement for me and his children? Shouldn’t his conscience really make him want to err on the side of generous? Not even close.

My lawyer has sent correspondence to me over the last 2 months confirming that she has “AGAIN” asked my ex’s lawyer to provide his 2014 full tax return; confirmation he has life insurance and if he won’t get it his position in writing for the lowball amount ($450,000 less than he had before we separated)that he says he will get (was supposed to be in place in November 2014 as per the mediation agreement) so we can return to the mediator for a ruling; confirmation that he is going to pay me the expenses he agreed to cover at our November 6, 2014 mediation that he still hasn’t contributed a dime towards–his daughter’s dance, just 50%, 50% of the pet expenses for pets he is the listed owner of but who he abandoned saying he isn’t allowed pets where he lives; 50% of expenses needed to get our house ready to list; 50% of our joint expenses like our home insurance and home maintenance; reimbursement of money he took out of our joint account to pay his personal bills when I was the only one putting money into that account (it was agreed at mediation we would close the account but he would never make arrangements to do that with me or respond to any of my follow ups until I finally stopped putting money in, stopped financing his personal bill payments and now it is overdrawn by $1500 because joint bills have continued to come out of it on automatic withdrawal as well as banking fee expenses and the overdraft from him taking money out.

I am not asking for back spousal and child support for the past 2 years when he made the most he has earned in his life and I had both children living with me. All I am asking for is a fair split of our pre-separation debt 50/50. This was money used to buy shares in his company that he is keeping and a rental property that he is keeping that he insists has a $0 value. Plus money that I used to pay our personal pre-separation bills, our daughter’s private school tuition, all documented, because I was the person who took care of bill payments. He makes $148,000/year. Last year he only made $139,000. I receive $13,000/year on Canada Pension Plan disability benefits because I am not able medically to work.

My lawyer spelled it out clearly to my ex’s lawyer. My ex has done everything that he can do to “exhaust me financially”.

My lawyer has asked for confirmation of the value of the rental property–the mortgage details and the account information where the rental income is received. She has asked for confirmation of the value of his company shares and other dividends he receives on shares that he never even disclosed that he had until I brought that information forward in mediation. My lawyer has asked for a print out from his bank of his bank account information because oddly enough there are mysterious transactions that would lead one to assume he has at least one other bank account he has failed to disclose. This information was asked for in the year prior to our mediation and continues to be asked for and ignored.

Mediation was supposed to save us money. I am no closer to a separation agreement and a divorce than I was on the day we separated. My legal bills would have paid for my daughter’s first year of tuition at university and her residency. I am sure my ex’s are adding up as well even with the friend lawyer.

When is enough enough? When will he stop feeding his ego with a need to “win” and understand that there is no winning. I remember him sharing with me that growing up he and his mom would fight and they both would dig in and not talk to the other for weeks. The one who spoke to the other first lost. His mom confirmed that to me. Where was the adult example here? Really, what did either of them win doing that? He was the same way with me during our marriage. Always the silent treatment to punish. Always the withholding to punish. I am sure the cheating was another form of punishing me. What does he think he is winning?

I have asked him if we would meet to see if we could try yet again to reach an agreement together avoiding further legal expenses and what will end up going to court after all. He said, “Yes.” But all I have heard is when he can’t meet with me. I’ve asked him to tell me instead when he can meet with me and I will be there–11:00 p.m. or 6:00 a.m. any day of the week. All I heard from him was this: “Can you pick up our daughter from dance next Friday? I have a golf tournament in Nanaimo and I won’t be back until 9:00 p.m.” I said, “Yes.”

As far as getting together to solve our separation, I have yet to hear from him.

affair, divorce, other woman

Is Lying Hereditary?

I am guessing that my ex lied to cover up his affair and activities to support the affair to protect himself. When I asked specifically, “Are you having an affair?” he lied and said, “No.” He also avoided the question when I posed it in an email. Hence, the reason I searched his phone to discover the truth.

When he was caught he spent months downplaying that it was really anything despite me having the text messages between them saying how much they loved each other and the sexual things they were doing and the plans they were making for the future. It was clear that the affair had been going on way longer than he admitted and it was clear he was leading a double life with respect to still being intimate with me and pretending all was normal in our family life.

After finding out about the affair and he was out of the house, another nugget of information showing his relationship with an ex-girlfriend was provided to me. I was shocked by the things he was saying he wanted to do with my girlfriends. I have no idea why he would even think the things he was saying would benefit the ex he was obviously trying to impress. He always told me he could never be interested in any of my closest best friend. Not only was I see the truth about that but now there was a history that was revealed that I was completely unaware of where he was trying to woo back his ex-girlfriend from 23 years period. When I confronted him with exact conversations I was reading between him and his ex-girlfriend, he again denied it and then tried to get rid of the written evidence. There was no way he could have thought I was fishing for information. It was too specific. How could he deny it to me. Did he really believe what he was saying?

Recently, when I had absolute proof that he was denying still being involved with Janice Andrews, the other woman he got caught in the affair with, and saw how he was flirting with someone else in the insurance industry and making dating plans with her, he again denied it and tried to make it out as though my friend (who knows the women he was coming on to and who was returning the affection and flirtation back to my ex) was crazy, had a restraining order against her and then proceeded to call her names like “transvestite”.

He is a master deflector. This I knew from our history together in trying to get him to take accountability for things. But I was blind-sided by the double life I was discovering and the deceitful activities and conversations he had going on behind my back. I had completely trusted him, trusted his love for God and the truth, so never even dreamed to not take him at his word on activities or thoughts he shared with me.

I have, however, caught him in story-telling lies. Ways he tries to make himself seem more interesting than he is or more important than he is. I never embarrassed him or called him out on these lies even in private afterwards. I attributed it to drinking and harmless, building him up to impress, ego-inflated elaborations.

A couple of things of interest. My ex and his brother would discuss their father’s same style of lying and storytelling. They even got their mom involved in the last one that I was aware of–their dad being part of the CIA. He told them that the 50-year secrecy expiration period was up so he was now able to disclose that he actually lost his eye to a bullet and not from an accident. Their mom said she had no reason not to believe him.

The other lie that my ex’s brother told us about was that their dad claimed he used to run the 100 meter in a time that was faster than the Olympic record.

When his dad was last out visiting us he was telling me a story that someone had been telling him that he deemed to be a lie. He told me that he said to this person, “Don’t bullshit a bull shitter.”

They are many other stories that always seemed fabricated to me that my father-in-law would share. He always was claiming that some big firm, even while into his 70’s, wanted to pay him big bucks to work for them but nothing ever materialized. He made what ended up being terrible business investments and even took our money and our friends’ money for these investments and continually claimed that we were so close to a huge payout from our investment. He also claimed he was abused as a child and into his teens. Not sure now if any of this was true.

I found this article written for CNN news by medical health expert Dr. Charles Raison, psychiatrist, Emory University Medical School:

“There is a type of extreme lying that does indeed appear to have a strong genetic component. Officially known as “pseudologia fantastica,” this condition is characterized by a chronic tendency to spin out outrageous lies, even when no clear benefit to the lying is apparent. Often people with this affliction seem unable to even recognize that they are lying, and they seem blind to where truth ends and falsehood starts. Probably the greatest portrayal of this in literature is Willie Loman in the play “Death of a Salesman” by Arthur Miller.

This type of extreme lying does often start at a fairly early age and can be a lifelong tendency and serious problem. And often it doesn’t exist in isolation, but is part of a larger pattern of chronic symptoms that clinicians refer to as “sociopathy.” These symptoms include a tendency toward criminal behavior, an inability to control one’s impulses and/or make future plans, explosive anger and tendency toward physical violence, a reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, a pattern of irresponsible behavior and — probably most important — an inability to understand and/or respect the rights of other people.

People with antisocial personality often start life as hyperactive kids who bully others, who lie, who are constantly in trouble with authorities and get into drugs and alcohol by their teen years, and who often display striking cruelty to animals…Many studies have shown that antisocial behavior is highly genetic. For example, studies have shown that the children of criminals in prison have much higher rates of developing antisocial personality than the average population, even if they are adopted into “good” families and have never met their imprisoned parents.

Having said this, however, it is also clear that the best protection one can give a child who is genetically at risk for antisocial personality disorder is a consistent, firm, but loving family environment growing up. Studies show that genetically at-risk children are much more likely to become sociopaths as adults if they are raised in abusive or neglectful homes, or are subject to severe physical punishment for their wrongdoing.

What about treatment? Unfortunately, no one has ever discovered a medication or type of psychotherapy that consistently works for adults with antisocial personality — a fact that contributes greatly to the tragedy of the disorder, both for the sufferer and — even more unfortunately — for family members and others that are often damaged in one way or another by the person. This fact really highlights how important it is to intervene early in the lives of young people who are clearly heading in this very bad direction.

This disorder is characterized by a longstanding pattern of disregard for other people’s rights, often crossing the line and violating those rights. This pattern of behavior has occurred since age 15 (although only adults 18 years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and is marked by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
• deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
• impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
• irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
• reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
• consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
• lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”

Concerning to me is the fact that not only do I recognize these traits and characteristics in my father-in-law and ex but also in my child.

divorce, God, Intuition, Spirituality

Crossroads

There have been very specific times in my life where there were 2 different roads I could chose to take just as in Robert Frost’s famous poem.

When I finished university I was living in the same city where I had lived for 21 years. I had a very good paying job, lots of friends, but I was ready for change. I sobbed when I left my job but knew it was time. I applied for 4 other jobs and even worked at 2 of them on a temporary basis. I was offered all 4 jobs but I declined because there was no excitement in my soul at those offers.

I realized that I needed to move to a different city. I started to explore being a flight attendant and going to Teacher’s College at Laurentian University where I would take all my classes in French. Then an opportunity presented itself. The Senior Vice-President of Crawford & Company Insurance Adjusters, whose parents lived beside my parents, approached me and asked if I would like to go to Atlanta, Georgia, USA for a 4-week training program and then move to Toronto, Ontario. I asked if one of my best friends could come, too. He interviewed her and we were both off to become insurance adjusters. We had no idea what that even meant.

After working at Crawford for 3 1/2 years I was again at crossroads. The company was laying people off. My best friend had moved back to London, Ontario. I wasn’t enjoying my work environment or my job any longer. I had dated my husband, who also worked there, but that wasn’t working out. I remember how lost I felt and unsure where I wanted to live or what I wanted to do. I decided to go to Europe for 6 weeks on a tour by myself. When I returned I started dating my husband again, we bought a condo together and moved in 2 months later, and I quit my job on the spot with no new job to go to. My employer was sure it was just my reaction in the heat of the moment. He asked me to reconsider when I officially handed him my resignation giving him 2 weeks notice the next day. I remember pulling my husband into a stairwell to tell him what I just did. We had just bought a condo together but my heart said I couldn’t work there a second longer, even for the needed paycheck. I applied for a new job and before my 2 weeks was up I landed a position at a company that began my very successful career in accident benefits.

While living together in our condo, I happened upon a book, Principles on a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson. I had always been spiritual and believed in God’s love for me and plan for my life but this opened up my mind further. I was excited about what I was reading and shared these ideas with my now fiancé. He was not only completely closed to what I was sharing but he was angry. When he witnessed the immediate results of what even to me seemed like a far-fetched prayer he seemed unmoved. I also read M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled around this time. So when a girl I had never met before, in the change room of the YWCA, invited me to church, I gave her my number. I started going to church, studying the bible, making new friendships, and as a result my fiancé became more angry. He decided he didn’t want to marry me anymore. I trusted God and I was at peace with calling off the wedding. When he changed his mind and decided he did still want to marry me, I prayed very specifically that God would not allow the wedding to take place if we were not going to have a marriage that glorified God. One and a half months after our wedding, I was baptized. Three months later my husband was baptized. We lived our lives sharing our faith, leading bible groups in the church, running kids’ programs and putting God and his kingdom first. We were blessed incredibly for 18 years.

Nine months after having our first child, I returned to work. My company had been bought out. Many of my coworkers had been fired, moved to other branches or had been displaced to departments that didn’t suit their skills or desires. I was promoted to Claims Unit Manager. My husband also received a promotion with his company that involved moving to a city 45 minutes from our current home. He worked a minute drive from our new home. I wanted to have another child. I didn’t want to be spending my days commuting back and forth losing 1 1/2 hours of time with my family. I applied instead to work in a different line of insurance, in a different city (a 20 minute commute) that offered 4 weeks vacation to start, flexible work hours, great benefits, and a good salary. I did really well there and earned bonuses. I got pregnant again and was happy focusing on the needs of my family and our church instead of my own career development.

In 2008, I was off work on disability, my husband was in a dead-end job, my mom was dying and although I didn’t know it at the time, my husband was having an ex girlfriend call him at the house when I was away looking after my mom. The year before my husband accused me of having an affair with an ex boyfriend. This was not true but his reaction and subsequent actions put a huge strain on our marriage. I did everything I could to build my husband’s ego back up and assure him I only loved him. When the job opportunity came up for him in Victoria, I was the one who suggested he apply and we move our family across the country. Less than 3 months after my mom passed we were living in our brand new home in Victoria, BC, in a city where we knew no one.

Two years ago, after discovering my husband’s affair, my heart and soul said to end the marriage. I knew I would never trust him again and I knew it went against every fibre of my being to be aligned with someone who had turned into the selfish, deceitful man he had become. The past 2 years proved that following my intuition was correct.

Now here I am again. I have to be out of my home on June 26. I am not receiving any spousal or child support and suspect my ex will continue to fail to provide or do what is right in this regard. I need to find a 2 bedroom suite that will take a dog and 2 cats. The search has been discouraging but I am confident in the process. I am experiencing the same shift deep within me as at times of crossroads in the past. My soul is beckoning me in a new direction and it has never lead me astray. Whoever and whatever I have needed has always been provided to me by God.

cheating, dating, separation

Child’s Perspective

I had lunch together with both of my daughter’s.

My 17-year old commented, “You know, Mom. You should actually thank Janice. She did you a favour by getting dad out your life. You deserve better.”

My 13-year old asked, “Why does dad have to bring Janice to take me out to dinner?”

I didn’t respond.

My older daughter suggested that he just wants Janice to get to know her. My younger daughter said she didn’t want that and finds it so annoying that Janice always tries to bud in on conversations between my girls that have nothing to do with her and they aren’t talking to her.

I just reflected that we used to go out as a family and spend the time knowing what was going on in each others lives. My ex is missing out on so much with my younger daughter’s life and I am missing out on my older daughter’s life as she lives with her dad. Now some other woman is asking what deodorant my daughter wears? And I should thank her?

Reflecting on my younger daughter’s query about the intrusion of another woman on her relationship with her dad makes me sad because what message does she receive when her dad either bails on her for other plans or if he does pick her up after dance on his scheduled Friday and he is alone he just takes her through the McDonalds drive-thru, doesn’t eat with her and just drops her off at home. At least if he brings Janice they take her out to dinner and he gets to spend some time with his daughter even though she feels like an intrusion on their date. Last Friday when they took her out she couldn’t even eat. She had one bite of her pizza while she watched them share a surf and turf salad, a pizza and wine. She brought her pizza home to me to eat. She just needs to share and I listen as much as I would prefer not to know or hear about it.

I no longer do anything to try to make her dad have a relationship with his daughter. If he bails on her; I am there to pick her up. If she choses not to stay at his house she is always welcome here and I am home every night for her. It makes no difference to me if it should be my weekend to have some freedom. If he chooses not to spend quality time with his daughter and build a real relationship with her that is his loss and I will do what I can to make sure she feels wanted, respected and loved. Is it hard to date as a result? Sometimes.

My ex told a friend of ours shortly after we separated that he is not sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children. That is one word he has kept.

Will I be thanking Janice? No. Do I deserve better? Absolutely and so do my children.

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Bad Girls–Who Do you mistrust the most?

In Season 2 of the televisions series, The Good Wife, episode 8, entitled Bad Girls, there is an interesting line from character, Eli Gold. He is working as Peter Florrick’s campaign manager when he is approached by rival campaigner, Wendy Scott Carr. She wants him to be her campaign manager.

His response: “You know the person I mistrust the most? The one I steal from someone else.”

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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