divorce, God, Intuition, Spirituality

Crossroads

There have been very specific times in my life where there were 2 different roads I could chose to take just as in Robert Frost’s famous poem.

When I finished university I was living in the same city where I had lived for 21 years.  I had a very good paying job, lots of friends, but I was ready for change. I sobbed when I left my job but knew it was time. I applied for 4 other jobs and even worked at 2 of them on a temporary basis.  I was offered all 4 jobs but I declined because there was no excitement in my soul at those offers.

I realized that I needed to move to a different city. I started to explore being a flight attendant and going to Teacher’s College at Laurentian University where I would take all my classes in French. Then an opportunity presented itself.  The Senior Vice-President of Crawford & Company Insurance Adjusters, whose parents lived beside my parents, approached me and asked if I would like to go to Atlanta, Georgia, USA for a 4-week training program and then move to Toronto, Ontario.  I asked if one of my best friends could come, too. He interviewed her and we were both off to become insurance adjusters.  We had no idea what that even meant.

After working at Crawford for 3 1/2 years I was again at crossroads.   The company was laying people off. My best friend had moved back to London, Ontario. I wasn’t enjoying my work environment or my job any longer. I had dated my husband, who also worked there, but that wasn’t working out. I remember how lost I felt and unsure where I wanted to live or what I wanted to do. I decided to go to Europe for 6 weeks on a tour by myself. When I returned I started dating my husband again, we bought a condo together and moved in 2 months later, and I quit my job on the spot with no new job to go to. My employer was sure it was just my reaction in the heat of the moment. He asked me to reconsider when I officially handed him my resignation giving him 2 weeks notice the next day. I remember pulling my husband into a stairwell to tell him what I just did. We had just bought a condo together but my heart said I couldn’t work there a second longer, even for the needed paycheck. I applied for a new job and before my 2 weeks was up I landed a position at a company that began my very successful career in accident benefits.

While living together in our condo, I happened upon a book, Principles on a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson. I had always been spiritual and believed in God’s love for me and plan for my life but this opened up my mind further. I was excited about what I was reading and shared these ideas with my now fiancé. He was not only completely closed to what I was sharing but he was angry. When he witnessed the immediate results of what even to me seemed like a far-fetched prayer he seemed unmoved. I also read M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Travelled around this time.  So when a girl I had never met before, in the change room of the YWCA, invited me to church, I gave her my number.  I started going to church, studying the bible, making new friendships, and as a result my fiancé became more angry. He decided he didn’t want to marry me anymore. I trusted God and I was at peace with calling off the wedding. When he changed his mind and decided he did still want to marry me,  I prayed very specifically that God would not allow the wedding to take place if we were not going to have a marriage that glorified God.  One and a half months after our wedding, I was baptized. Three months later my husband was baptized. We lived our lives sharing our faith, leading bible groups in the church, running kids’ programs and putting God and his kingdom first. We were blessed incredibly for 18 years.

Nine months after having our first child, I returned to work. My company had been bought out. Many of my coworkers had been fired, moved to other branches or had been displaced to departments that didn’t suit their skills or desires. I was promoted to Claims Unit Manager. My husband also received a promotion with his company that involved moving to a city 45 minutes from our current home. He worked a minute drive from our new home. I wanted to have another child. I didn’t want to be spending my days commuting back and forth losing 1 1/2 hours of time with my family. I applied instead to work in a different line of insurance, in a different city (a 20 minute commute) that offered 4 weeks vacation to start, flexible work hours, great benefits, and a good salary. I did really well there and earned bonuses. I got pregnant again and was happy focusing on the needs of my family and our church instead of my own career development.

In 2008, I was off work on disability, my husband was in a dead-end job, my mom was dying and although I didn’t know it at the time, my husband was having an ex girlfriend call him at the house when I was away looking after my mom. The year before my husband accused me of having an affair with an ex boyfriend. This was not true but his reaction and subsequent actions put a huge strain on our marriage. I did everything I could to build my husband’s ego back up and assure him I only loved him. When the job opportunity came up for him in Victoria, I was the one who suggested he apply and we move our family across the country. Less than 3 months after my mom passed we were living in our brand new home in Victoria, BC, in a city where we knew no one.

Two years ago, after discovering my husband’s affair, my heart and soul said to end the marriage. I knew I would never trust him again and I knew it went against every fibre of my being to be aligned with someone who had turned into the selfish, deceitful man he had become. The past 2 years proved that following my intuition was correct.

Now here I am again.  I have to be out of my home on June 26. I am not receiving any spousal or child support and suspect my ex will continue to fail to provide or do what is right in this regard. I need to find a 2 bedroom suite that will take a dog and 2 cats. The search has been discouraging but I am confident in the process. I am experiencing the same shift deep within me as at times of crossroads in the past. My soul is beckoning me in a new direction and it has never lead me astray. Whoever and whatever I have needed has always been provided to me by God.

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