adultery, affair

Selfish Shellfish outed by Carl

There is always something I can say but, for the most part these days, I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail in smooth waters.

There are a few of my crew, however, like Confrontational Carl, who starts his rants to me saying, “Girl, how can you just let Janice Andrews think that she got away with being the cunt that she is and that nobody sees that whore for what she did to get the lifestyle she wanted? Everyone knows she just got down on her knees, had no respect for the wife, the kids, her own husband or other women for that matter. She just does what she thinks she needs to do to get what she wants for herself.”

Carl, she has no respect for anyone because she has no respect for herself. It doesn’t matter. He got what he deserves–her. She also got exactly what she deserves–him. They get each other. I get freedom to create any life I want and they are stuck to live in their very tiny circle, in their very tiny work, in their very tiny apartment, in their very tiny life. Carl, can we please just continue to enjoy our world and see what opportunities manifest?

Carl continues, “Didn’t he tell you that Janice was just an opportunity?”

An opportunity for him to show his character, morality and integrity and that he did.

Carl raises his eyebrows, “I hope you let her know he liberally throws around the phrase, ‘Don’t mention this to Janice.’ Remind her that what goes around comes around and that it comes around again and again for her and she is clueless.”

Carl, she knows he is deceitful. He got caught; he didn’t get honest. She is deceitful. Wherever they go, Carl, there they are. I have let them go. Now can we please just steer forward to our next adventure?

Carl is irate. “Does she think people don’t mock her behind her back for screaming that the Freedom Protesters are selfish? They have their own agenda, like she had her own agenda but she seems to forget that she was just as loud honking her horn obnoxiously all over town to get the attention she wanted with no regard for all of those peaceful lives she disrupted. She is a selfish shellfish who is so unaware.”

Carl. Maybe I was the one who needed to become aware as to who my husband really was?

Carl puts his hands on his hips, “Girl, you got that right. Can you believe his relationship status on Facebook still says, ‘It’s complicated’? What the fuck is so complicated for him after 8 years and what does Janice Andrews think about that? He can’t even say he is in a relationship with her. Why has he never submitted what he needs to so you can have that divorce? What is he holding on to? Maybe there should be a Facebook option ‘It’s expensive’. Janice loves expensive. Is she still trying to get him to buy them a house? Speaking of expensive, how does it work if they split? Does he owe her support, too? Janice has definitely made sure she has his balls.”

Are you done, Carl? My ex lost way more than his balls.

Carl sighs, “I am so proud of you. All the fuss they tried to make calling the cops on you how many times making up things you did, knowing full well the only two people who were guilty of anything were the ones making the false allegations. Ya, I am done.”

Carl gives me a huge, long hug. “They ain’t getting away with shit in anyone else’s minds but their own.”

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Uncategorized

The Enemy Within

Recently, I received an email message from my daughter’s dance studio. The email advised me that a woman left a voice mail message saying she was trying to get in touch with me. The woman said that she knew my daughter danced at that studio at one time and asked them to give me her phone number and email address as she was hoping to talk to me.

I was intrigued but not alarmed, initially. I met a lot of people while my daughter danced. I could have talked to anyone about anything that might have lead them to remember an opportunity or information they needed from me or that they had to offer me.

I contacted the woman by email letting her know that I received her message. She replied in a way that seemed like she was trying to make me believe that she was an older woman. Firstly, her email address was non-identifying but it identified her as a retiree. Her response, “Oh, wonderful!” She said she was a widow, used an older, outdated sounding name, said that she was hard to reach because she was always in her garden, described her phone as “my dinosaur old lady land line” and after giving me her phone number again and asking me to call her at 6:30 p.m. she commented, “I’ll wait inside for your call and try not to have the news on too loud!” She also said if the call was much later than 7:30 pm, “I’ve got no brain cells rubbing together. I’m up at 5 most mornings.”

Red flags raised but I did call her. I asked her when me met. She said that we have never met. She said that we have a common enemy and she named my ex. She said that she found me through my blog. I did not believe her. She specifically referenced how nasty my ex and his coworkers/friends were to me on one particular post. I deleted a lot of the terrible things that were comments from them on that post so not sure if the impact of those really comes through now but it was odd that she mentioned that one specifically when it dated back to 2016. She also said to me, “You were no angel either.” Hmmm. It lead me to believe she was involved. She did not speak or use language like the old lady she feigned to be. Furthermore, she let her guard down a couple of times and made comments like, “Oh, I thought you lived in Brentwood Bay.”

Although she tried to persuade me that I could help her professionally she would throw in random questions asking whether my ex was faithful to Janice Andrews. (I thought at one point maybe this is another woman he is fooling around with). When she would drop odd pieces of information that I would inquire about further she went back to her confused, old lady, getting too tired to continue talking routine. This happened a few times.

I offered to meet her in person but she didn’t want to put me out.

Her ask: She wanted my help in “taking down” my ex. I told her that I had no interest in doing that. I told her firstly this had no benefit to me or my children and would actually harm us. I told her that we rely heavily on his support payments. She seemed shocked and said, “I thought those were over.” Hmmm, is this Janice or her friend and did Dave tell her he is no longer obligated to us financially? Maybe this is another woman only interested in my ex because she sees him as improving her life financially. (I have a girlfriend who broke up with a guy because she said she couldn’t get ahead as long as her boyfriend was paying support payments to his ex and kids). She also thought we were divorced. Nope, my ex has yet to complete the paperwork he was required to submit.

What bothered me most is that she said she wanted to talk to me so badly that she considered going through my daughter on Facebook to reach me. Why would she not go directly through my Facebook to reach me? How did she have my daughter’s name but not my name? My daughter is not identified in my blog. The email I received from my daughter’s studio said that she identified me and only knew I had a daughter who danced. She never said that she knew the identity of my daughter. I asked her how she knew my daughter was at that particular studio. She said she just guessed based on where she thought I lived.

She followed up our phone call with an email that asked for financial information about my ex. She mentioned specifically a guy in my ex’s office that I knew before he worked there and then said “and a couple of other guys.” Interesting that she specifically only mentioned by name the person that I know. She asked about other females that work in his office. She asked about whether any of these women would speak to the misogynistic culture in the office. She mentioned personal morality and business morality. She also asked me to delete any emails from her “just in cases somebody really creepy knows your password and looks at your email.” And she threw in a PS, “I do love dance.”

I did not respond further. Their last email to me was hopeful that I would stay engaged and they offered me further information. Not interested, not curious. Whoever it is, I suspect it is someone my ex considers a friend but they definitely are not.

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adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, infidelity, parenting after separation, rejection, selfishness, separation, single parent

Dad/Daughter Time and the Other Woman?

When my ex and I lived together, in marriage, with our 2 children, we enjoyed a variety of family activities every week. We also recognized that it was important for us, within that week, to have one-on-one time with each other, no kids. As well, we both agreed that within that week, it was important for both of us to spend individual time with each of our daughters, “dates”, separately. That personal relationship with each of our children was so important and foundational for building our individual relationships with them.

So why is it that my ex saw the value of spending one-on-one time with each of his daughters when he lived with them and he saw them every day but cannot spend time alone with them now when he sees them at best once/week? When that time is so little, why does Janice Andrews feel the need to inject herself in the midst of their relationship especially when it is the only time that my daughter has to see her dad (his choice, not hers)?

Lately, if my daughter does see her dad, it is to go for a walk. Three weeks ago she told me she was meeting her dad at 1 pm. I was shocked when she walked back through the door and it was 1:37 pm. I asked if her dad bailed on her but she said, “No, he came.” And then she asked me if we could go to Starbucks. I commented, “Well that was a pretty quick walk. Why didn’t you ask dad to go to Starbucks?” She had no answer. And of course I took her to Starbucks.

Her dad doesn’t even come and pick her up for their date. Our house is on the way to the beach where they walk. If Covid is the excuse they can each wear masks in his vehicle and even roll down the window. It is a short drive down the street. My daughter drives to meet him and he had her doing this as soon as she got her license which was pre-covid. I asked if he wears his mask when they walk together and she said that he doesn’t but Janice does because she has compromised health. So why does Janice Andrews even bother to go?

This women has proven time and time again that she is nothing but incredibly selfish and self-centered. She has no children so maybe she is just clueless. Maybe she is jealous; maybe she is insecure. Who knows? This is a woman who pursued a married man with kids, had no problem tearing apart a family, and invited my ex back to her house while her husband was away and slept with him in their bed. She is morally inept. I don’t know if she is amoral or immoral but this woman is base. I am guessing she celebrated Valentine’s Day with her husband in 2013 because mine celebrated with me, even though they also celebrated together on that weekend. She went to a Valentine’s dinner with my husband who gave her a gift that she asked him to exchange because she wanted a different, more expensive, Pandora charm than the one he gave her. So yep, this is a woman who cannot allow a dad a half hour walk with his daughter without creeping along beside them because some how it has to do with her.

My ex didn’t see my daughter for another 2 weeks. On the third week they walked again, exact same scenario, same place, same time, same masked Janice towing along, and my daughter was home at 2:00 p.m. If I hadn’t been heading out the door, I would have gone to Starbucks again with her because I feel like the time she spends with her dad and Janice just leaves her empty.

I have dated men with children and men that actually live with their kids or at least have them one week on and one week off. A man who does not have a relationship with his children is a huge red flag for me. I have never interfered with any activities that these dads and their kids were doing together. As as matter of fact, of these men, I have only been involved with the minor child of one. When I was dating a man who lived with his daughter I would go to their place and sometimes have dinner with them. The daughter came to my place at least once because she wanted to ask me if I would look after her cats for a couple of days. I helped them with a garage sale. I went with her dad to see where she worked as he was dropping off lunch for her (she gave me a tour) and I went with her dad to cheer her on at one sporting event, and that was it over a 2-year period. He got plenty of one-on-one time with his daughter, I never made it about me, and he saw her every day.

It could very well be that my ex knows he has been a shit dad and is just putting his time card in the slot to check off that he saw his kid, in case someone asks. It is a superficial relationship at best that he has single handedly destroyed with betrayal, maltreatment, callousness and neglect. He does not know his daughter and maybe it is extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him to be alone with her. Or maybe he and Janice have great plans on Sunday and have places to go before and after he checks off “dad stuff”. Janice certainly couldn’t just drive herself to meet him afterwards. It is okay for my daughter to have to do that but not for Janice.

Regardless, it is always now just about him; just about them. Mr. Dolittle with his masked Ms. Didenough.

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, yoga

The Never Not Broken Goddess

My friend, Amy, shared this with me:

“I want to introduce you to one of the most badass goddesses out there. She’s lesser known, but quite honestly I believe it’s because she is the most feared, for she actually rides fear itself, firmly on the back of a fierce crocodile. Her name?

Akhilandesvari: The Never Not Broken Goddess

You know those moments when we have felt/feel like we are falling apart? When what we have known seems to be coming apart at the seams, we have little to no comfort, and we are nothing but a crumpled mess on the floor?

Yes, we all do.

And Akhilandesvari teaches us that in these moments, we are more powerful than we’ve ever been.

Akhilandesvari lives for the breaking apart. She derives her power from being broken, in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

This broken is not one of weakness or terror. This broken is the kind that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships or habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

When we break apart, Akhilandesvari cheers, because she says now we get to make a choice. Your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to CHOOSE how you want to put yourself back together as YOU would like to.

Oh yes, and she does all that before she heads to the river and selects her ride: the crocodile.

Crocodiles represent our reptilian brain, where we feel fear. And their predatory power is that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river and spin it until it is beyond disoriented.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilandesvari refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow, and uses its power to navigate the waters and waves.”

So if things seem scary right now because life is going in the complete opposite direction to what seemed expected, and you find yourself having to do things you never thought you would have to do, that is perfect for someone like Akhilandesvari.

Amy told me to harness that and ride it. And if it doesn’t work, perfect, break apart and put yourself back together again as many times as you like.

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adultery, divorce, moving on, relationships, single parent, yoga

Desiderata

I have been participating in a 40-day Sadhana Challenge. It is a daily practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) to align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams.

After 10 days of this practice, I knew that I was getting ready to give birth to my San Kalpa. I suffered abdominal cramping that caused me to wince, grunt, moan and adjust my breathing. I was very, very uncomfortable for no other known reason. I still didn’t know what exactly it would look like until yesterday when it became clear and defined.

I returned to help my friend move. I was working alone and in a bit of a meditative state as I walked back and forth collecting and carrying at least 60 framed pieces of art to load when I came across a framed poem called “Desiderata”. It was dated 1927 by author Max Ehrmann. I sat down and read it several times:

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideal; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I have always considered myself to be real and genuine but I realized that one difficult task that I have been slow to complete has been out of fear for the consequences of speaking truth to power. I have been wronged and I have been silenced. It is has been hard to correct the effects of this on my life. I also have a relationship, and I think it trickles into other relationships, where I have felt silenced and suppressed. I have not shared my true feelings for fear of losing or harming the relationship when in fact that response has instead been harming me and making me feel false in the relationship.

My San Kalpa is to be myself and speak my truth.

In boldness, I responded differently to my friend last night. Initially they suggested that maybe we should just avoid speaking on two subjects but I refused to let silence and pretending be the answer. I shared my opinions, specific examples of what this person has said and how it made me feel. I was kind, never accusing but I expressed my concern. I hoped they saw my heart and my intent. Their response was “Fair Enough”. They also said they wanted to reflect on what I shared and would get back to me today. They then contacted me a bit later to say it actually would probably take them 2 days to respond.

On the weekend, I will focus on the much more complex task that I need to follow through to completion.

I have 28 days left in this challenge and I am very excited to see how this journey progresses.

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adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Male abuse of power and wealth, moving on, other woman

40-Day Sadhana Practice

I am participating in a Sadhana challenge. This is a daily spiritual practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) and align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams and desires. A friend of mine is giving me direction and guidance that I can harness any way that I like. I will share more about the practice and if anyone would like to follow I would be so interested to hear about your experience.

Today I didn’t even look at the direction until 6 pm. I spent the day helping a friend pack for a big move. It was my 3rd 7-hour day at his place over the Christmas break. When we sat down to eat dinner I saw that the title of today’s practice was “Pleasure, Presence, and Purpose.”

With respect to Purpose I was asked to notice what I feel when I move with a sense of purpose. What does it look like? Is it a feeling, is it how people respond to me? Is it engaging in a project that feels in line with a sense of who I am in the world? Just notice.

Volunteering and serving others is a huge part of my purpose. It is a part of who I am; it is what I do on a regular basis.

With respect to Pleasure the direction was to engage in something pleasurable today. After standing, bending and lifting for 7 hours it felt so good to sit down. I noticed how my muscles craved to be stretched. I mentioned to my friend that it had been 9 months since I soaked in a hot tub and I really missed it. Then I commented that I haven’t even had a bath in about 6 months. I decided that was what I was going to do for pleasure. But when I got home I felt too tired to even bother. I put away some Christmas decorations and thought about just going to bed when I found a pile of mail that I had set aside and forgot about. It was a month old. I opened one envelope. It was from my sister and was fat so I thought it was photos. I was shocked to open it up and find a package of bubble bath. She put a note on it with my name “Enjoy a day in the bath”. I immediately left the other mail, ran a bath with the packet from my sister, lit a candle and stayed there for a good hour. When I was finished I opened the box of my favourite chocolate that my daughter gave me for Christmas and ate 4 pieces enjoying it thoroughly.

With respect to Presence the direction was to simply take 10 minutes to notice–sensations, sounds, feelings, thoughts staying fully aware of what happens in that time. I did that in the bathtub. I was in awe of how my practice today was supported by surrendering to things unfolding. I thought of other very specific times in my life that the universe made it entirely clear to me what my next decision, action or step needed to be. I am very excited for what awaits me as I move forward into 2021.

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adultery, breach of contract, cheating, child support, infidelity, legal proceedings, separation, Supreme Court of British Columbia

Court Settlement Agreement–$155,000

Shocker!  My ex showed up at court.  He has never attended a hearing for any court application that I have had to file due to his breach of contract.  There were two hearings in 2016 and this was the 4th hearing for the application that I filed in December 2018.  He never attended any of them. When I saw him, my heart started beating out of my chest.  I thought, “What tricks are he and his lawyer up to this time?”

For about 2 1/2 hours he had to sit and listen to how his behaviour was “egregious” and “inappropriate”.  After our last hearing in October 2019, the judge ordered him to pay the child support amount he owed after filing his 2018 taxes. He did not comply.   He never did provide an accounting of what happened to the RESP money for our children.  He never provided any banking information about his rental property, just receipts showing maintenance that was required on the property.  He tried to show losses but failed to provide an accounting for any rental income. He listed the value of his share of the rental property as $40,000 yet he conveniently sold it to a business partner, the day after our January 2019 hearing, for just $4,500.  He also failed to provide documentation surrounding other income he received during his employment.

His lawyer had no submissions.  His lawyer didn’t have much of a defense for my ex’s behaviour except to say that he could have done better with his accounting and that he knew he owed me support payments and had no problem with my lawyer’s numbers.  Yet, he chose not to pay the arrears.  He could have made a “Without Prejudice” payment as far back as December 2018 when he acknowledged his income increased significantly.

Instead, his lawyer tried to discredit my character by saying that my 2019 tax return failed to show all of the support that I received in 2019.  My ex didn’t even show up to court with a completed 2019 tax return (despite the reason we are at court is that he failed to exchange tax information with me, as per our agreement,  for 3 years, now 4 years, knowing his income increased every year) and yet they are picking apart mine, an area that does not even affect anything that my ex owes?

I could see my lawyer’s frustration and she explained to my ex’s lawyer and the judge that I have no idea what the actual support amount should be because my ex failed to provide the information for it to be calculated. The judge agreed and indicated that it is between me and my accountant and is irrelevant.

At the time I filed my taxes, I had no idea what the support amounts were as my ex hadn’t completed a tax return for 2016, 2017 and 2018.  The judge was not able to rule on spousal support owing until my ex provided the accounting he had requested which he did not.  The judge ordered my ex increase support payments to me by paying $8000/month until spousal support could be calculated.  My ex couldn’t even manage to obey that order for an entire year and arbitrarily decided to reduce the payment by $800/month just in time for Xmas,  I filed my taxes with a support amount as per our last court order. If he is ordered to pay more for subsequent years then there is a specific CRA form my ex is required to complete. I have to submit that and have my taxes recalculated for all of the years so that I am not unfairly penalized in the tax year I receive an arrears lump sum amount.

The judge mentioned three ways he could award me and penalize my ex for his conduct.  He mentioned applying interest to the outstanding support payment.  He mentioned not allowing my ex to receive the tax deduction for spousal support and not requiring me to have to claim the lump sum spousal support figure as taxable income.  He also mentioned my ex having to pay my legal expenses.

Just before the lunch break, the judge did ask us to try to settle the matter because he said that he did not believe the court could grant me the justice I probably deserved.  I learned afterwards that it was unlikely that I would be awarded all three things discussed because the judge would not want to leave it open for my ex to appeal.  If it was deemed to be too punitive towards my ex, he may have a case.

My ex offered to pay the full amount of arrears for spousal and child support for our younger daughter only–$125,782 for spousal and $4016 for our daughter and special expenses of $1716.  (The judge had already ordered him to pay the outstanding child support for our younger daughter in the order received in July 2019, which was about $17,000 and he had been paying me around $5000/month more for  the 12 months after our first appearance for the December 2018 court application and then $4200/month more for the last 6 months).  If he had not made any increases, and he only did because I filed the court application, arrears would have been significantly higher. He also agreed to pay $23,486 towards my costs.

Having him acknowledge he owed me costs was important and is reflected in the order so if we have to go back to court again it shows that my ex agreed his conduct was improper.

My lawyer felt that I would receive more if I left it with the judge but last time it took 6 months for a decision and it has never been my intention to punish my ex, no matter how deserving.  Practicing mercy is good for me and even though I thought it might soften his heart and that he might show some humility and appreciation, his actions following this have shown there has been no change in his attitude.  He is digging his heels in further and it is highly likely we will be back in court again.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, cheating, ego, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Coco the Cat Came Back!

I was on my way to get something out of my bedside table when I saw a little face peering in my window.  I noticed the coloring and saw that she was standing on her hind legs trying to look inside. Coco?  The long hair, her tail…I scanned her and was obviously squealing in delight. It was her! Coco!  I yelled for my daughter who was all ready on her way to my room hearing my excitement.  She told me to calm down that I was so loud. I ran passed her to go to the patio and the little cat came right to me.  I scooped her up, squeezing her and telling her how happy I was to see her. My youngest daughter had followed me outside and we were both loving up on her.  I brought her downstairs to see my oldest daughter who bolted up in her bed when I told her who was in my arms.  I called the owner to make sure she knew she was back. She was gone almost a month.

I was so certain that Coco was dead. I envisioned many scenarios of harm befalling this poor sweet animal.  I relived the horrible sound that jolted me from sleep; the sound of something being killed. I spent days trying to recollect the day that happened. I went over texts to people who I thought that maybe I shared that with to see if there was a timeline that could correlate to Coco’s disappearance.  I shed many tears. I looked for her every day; out my windows, going to my car, driving home.  I prayed but I confessed to God my lack of faith that she was alive.

This situation is a perfect representation of what Eckhart Tolle talks about in A New Earth.

The voice in my head, a thought, created a situation out of my perceptions and emotions that was not true. I was simply observing possible facts: outdoor cat, busy street, fast cars, heavy vehicles, eagles nesting over our houses, cougars, racoons, worry I already had had about her safety, etc.

I was angry with my neighbour, “How could she just let Coco roam around in a dangerous environment. How could she think her cat is too heavy for an eagle to pick up?”

I judged the owner, “I have cats and I would not let them roam the neighbourhood. It is irresponsible.”

I personalized the cat’s disappearance.

Eckhart says, “Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event.  Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness–not through thinking–can you differentiate between fact and opinion.  Only through awareness are you able to see: There is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it.  Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.”

For the most part, I consider myself aware. After Coco’s disappearance but before she returned, I felt compassion for Coco’s owner.  She put flyers up everywhere and handed them out to each home on our street and in the  large subdivision located behind our houses.  She is a nurse who works long shifts, day and night, and she lives alone in a tiny basement suite.  Of course she loved Coco and didn’t want to leave her inside, alone, for hours on end.  Coco was the neighbourhood cat. She would sleep in another neighbour’s sunroom and in another neighbour’s tree house.  There were 2 other outdoor cats, Max and Minnie, and the 3 of them would congregate in my backyard.  The other 2 were still present. It broke my heart when I heard my neighbour out calling Coco’s name. I put on my shoes and went to her to offer support and encouragement.  I told her that my cat escaped and went on an adventure for 7 weeks before coming home. I stopped crying about it.  I also started praying and begging God to please just bring Coco home.

It is just easy sometimes to get caught up in our emotions, our stories and sometimes our perceptions are not real; they are just illusions that we created.  It can rob us from joy and turn us into compulsive thinkers. Coco’s disappearance and return was a huge light bulb reminder that I still need to check in with my ego, especially in times of stress, conflict and emotion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

5 Red Flag Behaviours in Tension and Conflict

We are back in court again June 29, 2020.  The Supreme Court of British Columbia has re-opened but I last heard it was only a couple of the court rooms in the Victoria court house.  I am hoping that we will not be postponed again.

It is unbelievable to me that we are 7 years post separation and I have to continue to go to court. I initiated the collaborative process 7 years ago as a way to divide assets, set up a separation agreement, ensure the needs of our children were met all so we didn’t have to go to court.  It was an effort for my ex and I to have control over what happened to our kids and belongings, a way to save money and to move on in peace.  My ex failed to participate and I had no choice but to change lawyers to find one who would go to court.  I needed to have the ability to force my ex to do what was required with our split so it wasn’t dragging on and on, wasting our time, energy and money.  In an effort to save costs we tried the mediation route which was a complete and utter disaster for many reasons which I will outline fully when the time is right to do that. Despite the agreement, my ex continues to fail to comply.

I listened tonight to Matthew Hussey talk about 5 destructive behaviours that people routinely fall into when having a relationship in moments of tension and conflict.  Not surprisingly, I recognize all of these behaviours as ways my ex coped in our marriage and his strategies continue in our separation. These are the reasons I feel hopeless in him ever doing what is required for us to just move on with everything settled, divorce finalized and not having to be back in court ever again.

  1. Go Quiet--Matthew’s advice is that in the moment you are tempted to go silent you need to talk.  In our marriage, my ex would give me the silent treatment as his form of punishment if he was angry.  He acknowledged that he considered it a “win” if I was the one that went to him to break the silence.  My friend asked him one time, “What do you think you are winning exactly?” It was always me who went to him first to talk.  Even today he will not engage in a talking conversation or dialogue over any issue. It is email only.
  2. Storming off–Matthew Hussey says this is a way of holding our partner an emotional hostage.  He says, “Yes, we need space but whenever possible stay and solve.”  My ex simply does not want to deal with anything.  I just asked him if his taxes were completed.  We are expected to exchange tax information every year by June 1. We had to go to court previously because my ex was 3 years behind and we are back in court again this month and need his 2019 info now.  His response was that he was going to block my emails if I harassed him again.  The one time since we split that I went to his house to talk to him directly, last year, (6 years post separation) he sent Janice to answer the door. (that is a whole other post–I would tell my boyfriend to just deal with his shit) I asked if I could speak with my ex and she just shut the door on me. I left, got in my car and drove home.  Both my kids texted me to see if I was okay because their dad contacted them right away to see why I was there. ( buddy, just deal with your shit without getting your kids involved)  My kids were worried because they knew it had to be incredibly important if I would go and see their dad.  He got mad at them for giving me his address, and he called the cops on me. He told the police I went to his girl friend’s place to confront her.  I told the officer I had no idea he moved in with her, that was his address and that she wasn’t a new girl friend.  I had nothing to confront her about, it was old news. He had been with her 6 plus years. The officer told me he was going to ask my ex if he could find a healthier way to deal with me especially because we had children.
  3. Labelling Our Partner–Mathew says we need to avoid this reflex mistake.  Matthew says that that you can have a selfish moment without being a universally selfish person and we have to give our partner some grace.  I could go through e-mail after e-mail and find an example where my ex does this.  The last email he sent me yesterday was accusing me of some letters he thinks that I received while we were still together and after he left. He said that I “neglected them like everything else I neglected in my life.”
  4. Making the Argument You’re Wrong and I’m Right–without making nuances. This is a constant with my ex. The latest is that he is trying to say it was the RESP company who closed our girls’ accounts and sent him the money for both girls because we failed to continue to make contributions.  Nothing in the documentation available shows this to be true.  He sent me the link for the rules and regulations. I read their information and they don’t close accounts for this reason. I called the RESP company twice and spoke with 2 different people who told me that the accounts were closed at the request of my ex. He insists that no one told me that and I need to learn to read because the information is in the link he sent me.  I quoted the sections that  supported what the 2 customer service reps told me and I asked him where specifically it said what he was saying.  His response: “Obviously you can’t read a document.  Keep reading. It’s there.”
  5. Inflicting Damage–instead of actually solving the problem.  Again, this is my ex.  If he isn’t withholding money owed to me and refusing to pay for things he agreed to pay in our agreement or things that are considered Special Expenses for the girls, he is name calling.  He refers to me as Trump, especially because I have the body of a 70 year old man. He calls me Robo McBlobo, tells me to get off my ass and get a job or that I spend my day at McDonalds. The list is endless and in fact my lawyer told the  judge that my file stands out to her because in her 25 years of practice she has never seen someone speak so derogatory to someone else.

Matthew Hussey suggests slowing down in these moments and instead focus on the kinder, softer approach to solve the problem.

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