Author Archives: togetherabandonned

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, domestic abuse, God

Authentic Love

Prior to Katy Perry singing “By the Grace of God” at the 2015 Grammy Awards tonight, Brooke Axtell made a speech in reference to surviving domestic violence. This is an excerpt from what she shared:

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honour and respect you I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night; part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are: valuable, beautiful, loved.”

I didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship. It was verbal, mental and emotional torture. I know that I felt devalued and unloved many times but it has taken friends and professionals and the distance of separation to make it clear. I had friends say that I would laugh things off that were so mean, degrading and not funny at all and that their husbands would never say or do things like mine did.

Some of the things he has texted me recently are as follows:

‘You are sad and pathetic; you can’t move on and look pathetic for it; your older daughter already sees how pathetic you are and your younger one is not far off; even your friends are falling by the wayside; you’re an idiot; #crazylady; hypocrite; figure it out tubby; what a fat cunt you are; fuck you; spoiled bitch; fuck you and figure it out; mom of the year; take a look in the mirror Broom Hilda; you ain’t what its all cracked up to be; ole miss big mouth forgets how hypocritical she sounds; hey rockstar, learn how to use your phone; you’re such an awful example of not only a mother but a person; if anything happens to (our daughter) it will be all your fault; and how dumb are you; it’s no wonder the kids are damaged; you really have some mental issues; it’s no wonder the kid hates your guts; go put another cookie in your mouth; Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!; keep your opinions to yourself because I don’t want or need to hear them. That’s why we’re divorcing…so I don’t have to hear them any longer; angry ex-wife; get the story straight before you beak off; my truth is fuck off; get the facts and shut the fuck up; you are a vindictive money grabbing angry sad sack of a being; you’re a joke; what a two-faced hypocrite you are; you’re delusional; don’t put your big nose in our daughter’s business; you aspire to do nothing with your life; the smartest thing I ever did was leaving you.”

I haven’t gone back and looked at emails but I remember him calling me a “waste of skin”, telling me I need to do something with my appearance, too bad I let myself go; have another slice of cheesecake; I needed to wear makeup; my life has no purpose; calling me Einstein, etc.

I know I started to push back in the months before I found out about the affair when he said my food “tastes like shit” in front of the kids.

There was no authentic love from my husband towards me. However, I have made the decision that I will not be shamed, silenced and abused by him any more. I told him by text on January 21, 2015, after a harassing phone call that had no purpose other than to abuse, that if he continues to call or text me I will get a restraining order against him. His response: “Hahaha”. I haven’t had any phone calls or texts since.

I am worthy of love. I am lovable. I am loved by God and see him working in my life showing me his love every day. I am loved by many, many people who show me love with their actions, words, gifts, service and affection every single day. I have tons of friends and I am a very good friend. I have value and I am beautiful inside and out. I know who I truly am. Authentic love does exist in my life; just not from my ex.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

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Uncategorized

Well, I sent her a text… Here it is… I’ll let u know if she responds

I wonder if the “other woman”, “affair partner” or “whore” as Betrayedin2012 refers to her, has any sense of who she really is and what people think of her. My ex would just say we are all sad, pathetic , angry and bitter and need to move as he has told me several times. I guess that is how people who cause such wide-spread destruction cope. They close their eyes, (in the case of the other woman they open their legs), they blame us for our feelings and I think they actually think we are the ones who are the losers.

betrayedin2012's avatarbetrayedin2012's Blog

sooooo… i never actually got to call u a whore back then so here ya go…You’re a fucking whore.. Only a whore would be okay with secret phone calls and booty calls.. Remember that when u wear ur jersey to work and sport it around proudly! Cause we both know u had to fuck a married man for it. when u see gina playing with her tablet make sure she takes care of it cause mommy had to suck a lot of dick to get it.. guess you didnt love him toooo much tho huh.. cause the second the wife found out u were gone.. hahaha just like a hoe.. there for the sex and free shit but not when shit gets real.. I hope you find someone pathetic enough to love you because I want nothing more than another whore like you to fuck your man.. Fuck you for…

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Ask Affaircare: How Could You Be So Heartless? Have a Little Sympathy!

My ex was baptized in January 1998 as an adult who studied the bible, repented, confessed that Jesus is Lord, that Jesus died on the cross for my husband’s sins and that Jesus was raised on the 3rd day. Then my husband had full-immersion baptism to receive the gift of the holy spirit. My husband prayed at the front of the church for the congregation before communion, door knocked and cold called people in malls sharing his faith and inviting them to church. He studied the bible with people, counseled people in the their marriages using the bible, taught Sunday school and led a pre-teen ministry. He never was able to love though. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. He chooses to live in sin now instead. He is sociopathic and narcissistic so I believe he will ever be able to apologize for the pain and damage he has done to me and our children however his affair partner might want to read what this affair partner feels because she is doomed to the same fate, regardless of how he treats her now.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, desperation, ego, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, promiscuity, Victoria British Columbia, wealthy men

Chicktoria

The population of Victoria, BC, Canada is 80,017.  The population of the metropolitan area of Greater Victoria is 344,615 making it the 15th most populous Canadian urban region. Victoria is situated on Vancouver Island, a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Vancouver.

Interestingly, Victoria is dubbed Chicktoria because of the gender imbalance of 4:1 women for every man.  The girl to guy ratio and nickname are compiled in the Urban Dictionary and there are articles speculating the causes of the man shortage in Victoria. I have heard it said that the imbalance is as high as 7:1.

The Times Colonist printed an article on October 14, 2012 citing statistics that Victoria’s wealthiest men are the most promiscuous in Canada and even in North America.  Victoria men are the most sexually active in Canada with 78% having at least 7 sexual partners a year.

When women are desperate, feeling that above all else they need to have a man for their security–emotional, financial, sexual, status, etc. they selfishly pursue a target.  Married men are not off limits to them. When men have so many “opportunities” (the word my husband used), it doesn’t take much for them to dispose of lives that were once important to them to instead chase whatever ego-stroking benefits these determined women satisfy.

By Victoria standards, my husband is a catch.  He is employed. He is a very small partner in his company but he never fails to mention that he is a partner to anyone he speaks to and women who know this think he has a lucrative employment future.  He has a vehicle.  He has vanity so he dresses nicely, spends a lot of time gelling and styling his hair and keeps a salon hair appointment every 4 weeks. He throws money around picking up dinner tabs, buying drinks and tipping. To Victoria women, he conveys wealth.  When he moved to Victoria and joined his company, he suddenly became a big fish in a small pond and he subscribed to the idea of his power on the job and as an interest to women.

He admired the way his boss flirted with and treated women and he began emulating that behaviour.  He shared daily examples with me of his boss’s outrageousness and always said to me, “I don’t know how he gets away with it.”  My girlfriend told me that she and her husband both felt that my husband put off the “I want to fuck you vibe.” He started to go out to more “work functions”.  He started to drink a lot, use drugs and had a driving service his work paid for to ensure he didn’t drive under the influence.  He was arrogant and self-important. When his grandmother died and he was not consulted about the date of the funeral, he called his uncle to ream him out and made him cry. When I was volunteering at my daughter’s school with another mom who worked in his industry he told me, “make sure you look hot.”

The changes in my husband’s behaviour, mood, absence from our family, increase in his ego became a repulsion to me. It obviously fueled the desires of other women or was it their interest in my husband that caused the behaviour change in him? I never stopped paying attention to my husband and we were having sex up until I found out about his affair but I was taking a stand against his chauvinistic treatment and uncaring attitude toward me and my girls. I was definitely aware that he was putting “work” before us and his attitude that everything else was my responsibility started to cause rifts.

Patti Stranger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire’s Club International Inc. and who stars in and produces The Millionaire Matchmaker reality show visited Victoria.  Two of my friends met with her.  Her advise to them for meeting a quality man in Victoria: “Get off the island.”

My other single friends started to share stories about men they dated.  Finding someone who didn’t smoke, had “a pot to piss in”, and had a job became their ideal.  Less than that, the best they could hope for. Some had flat out given up.

Victoria women, have we only perpetuated the problem by settling and accepting men who do not meet our needs in the first place?  Do we have such low self-esteem and self-worth that we don’t expect more and so impatient, fearful and lonely we can’t wait for more?  Do we latch on to whoever we can and then spend the rest of our relationship looking to trade up?

Any decision to pursue married men and men in committed relationships should never allow you to feel secure in your relationship.  It should always be in your subconscious that women like you are just waiting to strike and that you are in a relationship with a weak man. You do have control over your own actions.  Let’s chose self-respect and respect for others. Let’s have a higher moral standard for our behaviour and our men’s behaviour. By being the other type of woman you have said to men, “It is okay to screw around; it is okay to go after whatever you want for your own selfish gain.” Why would that type of man ever be satisfied with just you?  There is nothing you can do to keep that type of man faithful because you already set the standard that cheating is okay.

Men, how stupid are you?  If women are prepared to fool around with you, don’t you think there is a highly probable chance they will fool around on you?  There is always someone better than you around the corner–more hair, more money, better teeth, better skin, better athlete, better body, bigger penis, better work ethic, younger/older, blonder, darker, healthier, smarter, wiser, whatever the perceived “better” is, there is better than you.

Everyone reaps what they sow.

Women of Victoria, we are in control.  There are more of us than men. All of this poor behaviour of cheating on our partners and cheating with married men allows men to act like dicks.  Women should be less concerned about their sensed disadvantage living in Chicktoria and be more concerned about the long-term effect and disadvantage of living in Dicktoria.

 

 

 

 

 

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heart disease and heartache in women's health

Fight the Lady Killer

I love Barbra Streisand. I have always thought she is beautiful. I love her voice and a dream came true when I got to see her in concert in Toronto. I love her movies; whether she acts or directs. I love her passion. She uses her gift of voice to make money to enable her to fund projects that are important to her. She
uses her voice and position of power and admiration for her talent as a force of good to speak about her passions.

One of her passions is advocating for women’s health with respect to fighting heart disease. On Dr. Oz today she said that she cannot bear gender discrimination. She considers women to be treated as second class citizens in that they still earn less than men in the work force, represent only 19% of congress and in the area of medical research they have only conducted heart disease studies over the last 50 years on men. Even the laboratory mice are male.

More woman die of heart disease than men. One woman dies of heart disease every minute. Women die of heart disease more than all cancers combined. More young women are dying of heart disease today and this trend is growing.

The Yentl syndrome, named after Barbra’s 1983 movie that she directs, stars in, co-writes and co-produces, is a term coined in the medical community where a woman has to present as a male with the same risk factors in order to be given equal medical treatment to that of a male. Women aren’t taken seriously so if they don’t present with heart disease symptoms like a man then a lot of times they are misdiagnosed, can be sent home and then die. Women are actually advised to lie to save their lives. If you suspect that you are having a heart attack you should mimic male symptoms of heart attack and say you are experiencing chest pain and left arm pain in order to get the tests that are required to determine if you are actually having a heart attack.

Barbra Streisand wants women to be powerful. To know themselves and care about themselves and to take precautions in life. The Barbra Streisand Women's Heart Center is doing ground breaking research. Secret risk factors that have been identified above the typical high blood pressure, family history and diabetes as indicators for heart disease risk in women include irregular menstrual periods, pregnancy complications, migraine headaches with auras, and autoimmune diseases. Symptoms for women include stomach indigestion, reflux, heartburn, back and shoulder pain.

An interesting analogy was made about the condition of women’s hearts. How many of us are experiencing emotional heartache? Women aren’t cared for enough by others and we don’t care for ourselves the way we should. We are in the centre of so many people’s lives that there are a lot of needs we provide and yet we fail to ensure our own needs are met. How many more of us are even intentionally harmed emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically, spiritually and what does that do to the actual condition of our heart organ on all of those levels?

Turns out the text that my ex-husband sent me today saying the girlfriend he cheated on me with was having an affair with multiple men was a “joke”. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me to take him back. He didn’t like that I implied she could be cheating on him.

How has the last 2 years and the games he continues to play affect my heart?

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Betrayal, infidelity

Early Christmas gift for me!

I was angry at my ex because it was our older daughter’s 17th birthday last Saturday and instead of asking our younger daughter to go for her birthday dinner he invited his girlfriend.

I had contacted my older daughter the Friday before her birthday to see if she wanted to go to the Keg on Sunday for dinner with her sister and me and I added that we will invite daddy to come to. She texted back to say she was already going to the Keg on Sunday with daddy.

I texted my ex to ask why he hadn’t included our younger daughter and he said he didn’t think she would want to go because Janice was going. He subsequently sent our younger daughter an invitation by text saying that Janice was going also but she never even responded to her dad about the invite.

My ex and I were fighting about several other things when I found out that Janice subsequently canceled going to the birthday dinner so I texted my ex the following message:

“Hope your girlfriend didn’t have to cancel because she’s having an affair. Bet you think she’d never do that or are you extra insecure because you know that is exactly what she’d do?”

His response: “??” Then he sent the following: “Have you nothing better to do than harbour feelings like this??”

Today, 2 days after receiving his above message, he texted at 6:04 a.m. “I spent yesterday investigating your claims of infidelity by Janice and it turns out you were right. Not only has she been cheating with one guy there have been several. It sickens me. It makes me realize how much I love and miss you and I’d wish you take me back.”

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Florida, loss, separation, single parent, vacation

Life of Pi

Before my husband and I separated, we had a family vacation planned to go to Florida. We were staying with my husband’s parents for 2 weeks in Englewood and then 1 week in Orlando at Disneyworld.

When I discovered my husband’s affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” The trip was planned for 7 days later. The girls and I still went. My older daughter’s friend ended up coming too. It was certainly not a vacation I would have purposely planned being a single parent taking along my two children and one of their friends. I had to get a rental vehicle on my own and we drove from Fort Meyers to Englewood; to Naples to visit some of my family; to Sarasota to visit my girlfriend and then to Orlando. I bought a GPS but it was an exhausting and stressful undertaking and I spent a lot of time lost.

I still hadn’t had any time to grieve the end of my marriage. There was so much to do to get ready for the trip and I had things to do in relation to my separation. I was very grateful for the time away with my kids and we did create some great memories. Two of my closest friends from Ontario even came down to see me while I was there to offer their support and I got to spend time with one of my best friends who lives in Sarasota.

On the plane ride home I watched the movie ‘Life of Pi’. I remember the words and the scene that left me sobbing uncontrollably. Yann Martel writes, “I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart.”

Nothing sums out how I feel any better than this. This was my exact experience.

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insurance adjuster, Janice Andrews images, shame

Janice Andrews, Victoria, BC, Identity of a Cheater

Janice's facebook photo

Hiding her face and she should in shame!

Sex-texting my husband and sending this photo from Las Vegas, February 2013

Sex-texting my husband and sending this photo from Las Vegas, February 2013

Janice Andrews pursued my husband while working with him in the same office of Coast Claims. They handled more than claims together.

Janice Andrews pursued my husband while they worked together in the Coast Claims office and handled claims together for the Municipality of Saanich. They handled more than claims together. She knew he was married and even though I was at the company Christmas party she hung all over my husband the entire night.

She cheated on her 12-year common-law husband with my husband of 22 years.

She cheated on her 12-year common-law husband with my husband of 22 years.

Homewrecker, Janice Andrews

Homewrecker, Janice Andrews.  My husband bought her a Pandora charm for Valentine’s Day 2013 before I found out about the affair.  He used our joint bank account to make the purchase.  It was $55.  When I inquired why there was another charge for $30 he actually told me that she already had that charm. She told him what charm she really wanted so he exchanged it and paid the additional cost.

Another dinner with my husband

Sharing her photo after yet another expensive dinner with my husband at Il Terrazzo. Does she know my husband isn’t paying child support or spousal support?

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Judicial Case Conference

On April 17, 2014, I attended the Judicial Case Conference with my lawyer and my husband and his lawyer.  The JCC is a requirement before moving forward with a trial.  It is in front of a judge and we get his opinion without it being binding.  Any settlement of any of the issues at the JCC have to be by consent of both parties.  

The judge was late so it gave my lawyer an opportunity to discuss matters with my husband’s lawyer.  Dave’s lawyer was already in breach of the law because he failed to provide my husband’s sworn F8 (financial statement) within 10 days of the proceedings.  He sent it 2 days before so we didn’t have as much time as would have been beneficial to go over all the figures.  

Dave always maintained that he shouldn’t have to pay support based on his 2102 income tax statement.  He said it was an anomaly that he made as much as he did that year.  He told me the longer I waited to settle with him the more time he had to prove that his income would be at least $20,000 less annually.  He emailed me in January 2014 to tell me that he didn’t get a bonus for last year because claims were down (he’s an insurance adjuster.) I assumed that he would not be billing out files and trying to purposely make his income lower. So I was very surprised when he had to produce his 2013 tax statement and actually made $20,000 more than he did in 2012!

The proceeding was supposed to go from 2 – 3 p.m.  We were there until 4:40 p.m. and it was the day before a long weekend.  Nothing was resolved. My husband simply does not want to pay any spousal or child support.  

I wrote down some of the things that the judge said to my husband:  “Nobody gets a free ride.” “It is interesting to me that historically your employment income has inclined over the years and yet you are so pessimistic about future earnings.” Responding to Dave’s story on why his earnings will be lower, “It seems like a fanciful explanation to me.”  “You need to look at it as not sustaining her living but paying your share.”  “The court uses gross figures, not net.  You have to trust in the magic of the calculation that you will be taxed at a lower income bracket as you receive a tax credit for spousal support.”

My lawyer did tell me that Dave “wins the asshole of the year award.”  

A trial has been set for November 3 – 7.  My lawyer is hoping we can settle prior to that time.  She did obtain a court order for Dave to provide his bank statements from the date of separation to present, his full income tax returns, his business expense statements and his credit card statements.  I have to provide the same.

 

 

 

 

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