cheating, infidelity, Love, separation, Valentine's Day

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today represents one year exactly since I last had sex with my husband. Last year, he brought me home a dozen long-stem, red roses. He gave each of our daughters a rose as well. I made a nice dinner of horseradish encrusted salmon–a dish I had never made before but one that my husband loved and ordered every time we went to the Blues Bayou Café for dinner. I bought him some fancy flavoured massage oil/lubricants. We exchanged cards, drank wine and enjoyed a chocolaty, rich, decadent dessert.

I had no idea that night would be the last night we would be intimate together. I remember it though. I said to him afterwards, “Who were you having sex with because it wasn’t me?” He faltered slightly, paused, but not enough that it meant anything obvious to me. He said, “No…, I was having sex with you.” He didn’t ask me why I asked that question but for me our sex that night was raunchier than usual. He was more aggressive, verbal, dominant; it was noticeably different.

Since then, I haven’t held hands with anyone; kissed anyone or even had anyone in my mind to fantasize about. I am still married; not legally separated; and although I am taking the legal steps to move forward with my life I am not ready mentally, emotionally, physically, financially or morally to engage in another relationship on any level.

Today marks a passage of time that has gone by very quickly. It really does seem like yesterday when we were last together. I wonder how many times he has had sex in the last year; what it is like for him; has he learned any new tricks; discovered new pleasures; participated in kinkier things than he ever did with me. Has he had more adventure, experienced better orgasms, explored different positions? Has he had more than 1 partner, multiple partners at the same time and does he ever feel like he is still cheating on me? I wonder if he ever misses having sex with me. I wonder if he feels empty when he lies in bed after the act is completed or did he feel empty after being with me and now someone else makes him feel more alive. All futile thoughts and wasted energy because I will never know the answers to any of those questions.

Abstinence does not make my heart grow fonder for my husband. On the contrary, it makes me firm in my position that I cannot imagine being with him intimately again. When I see him, I can’t even look at his face. I cannot stand to be in his presence. It is more than uncomfortable; it is unbearable. And yet, I would have loved him to have sent roses for Valentine’s Day. I would have loved him to have sent a sincere, heart-felt, “I’m sorry” letter outlining how remorseful, regrettable and miserable his life has been since cheating on me and being separated from me. Instead I am wondering how he is showing his girlfriend his love for her on Valentine’s Day.

cheating, confrontation, control, infidelity, lawyer, other woman

The Other Woman

On March 5, 2013, I was driving home from my lawyer’s office. I was close to the location of the other woman’s office. I knew where she worked because of the e-mail address of her text messages and e-mails to my husband.

On a whim, I decided to pay her a visit. I pulled into the parking lot, parked in the visitor parking and entered the building. It was a 3-story office building. The front lobby was very busy, the front information desk was crowded and I had no idea how I would find her. I looked at the directory and noticed that the Risk Management Department was on the 3rd floor. I knew again by her e-mail and texts that this was the department where she worked.

I walked up to the 3rd floor and saw a maze of cubicles. I just stood and stared wondering how on earth I would find her. Then I saw a sign over a door to my right that said “Risk Management Department”. I walked through. No one was at the front reception so I continued passed it walking down a corridor with open cubicles to each side. On my right, a woman asked if she could help me. I told her I was looking for J.A. I said that I was Tiffany. It was a name that I remembered from the other woman’s Facebook page that of course I checked out when I discovered the affair. The woman said she was in and went to tell her that I was here. I was considering following her down the corridor and into the office where she turned but I remained standing where I was. The woman came back out and said she would be with me in a moment. She told me I could sit down. I remained standing. The woman returned to her desk to my right. Another woman came out of J.A.’s office, smiling, saying also, “She’ll be with you in a minute.” That woman took a seat at her desk to my left. I would have an audience. Then a man exited J.A.’s office, looked down at me and turned the other way into the office beside J. A. Then J. A. came out of her office towards me. I was not aware at the time that she knew what I looked like or that she was the one that lingered by my husband the entire evening of his company Christmas party on December 14, 2012, hanging on his every word.

She started to walk towards me, looked at me and hesitated but kept moving forward. “Are you J.A.”, I asked?

“Yes”, she said.

“I’m R.C. I just wanted to see the face of the woman who is fucking my husband and I thought you might want to see the face of the woman who’s family you are contributing in tearing apart.”

She bowed her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s nice”, I said. “I’ve never got a sorry from my husband.” “Just to let you know I have a lab requisition to get tested for a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases. I’ll be kind enough to extend to you the courtesy of letting you know if I have anything. It might not be from you. For all I know, he could be fooling around with other women.” Then I turned and walked out. I heard her say, “I’m sorry, R.” as my back was turned to her and I was leaving.

I arrived home about 20 minutes later and walked through the front door. My phone was ringing. It was my lawyer. He said to me that I didn’t tell him I was going to leave his office and go and make a scene at the other woman’s office. I told him that I didn’t know I was going to do that. He said that if he had known that he would have told me not to do it. He said that he gave me the name of a counselor so I could talk to her about my feelings and not act out on them. He said that he had hoped I would be working with him and that if I had feelings to do something like that again to tell him and not to do it.

I have no regrets. It felt great. I am very glad that I confronted her.

cheating, children, emails, family, feelings, infidelity, insensitivity, marriage breakdown, relationships

The sensitivity of a gnat

My husband’s birthday is January 26. He was already having sex with the other woman by this time. He actually celebrated his birthday with her after playing hockey on Friday, January 25. They went to the Keg for dinner. I assumed he was out with his hockey buddies having some beers celebrating his birthday. I was home with our girls.

In the summer at a golf tournament, my husband won tickets for a Royals hockey game. He could choose any game to attend. He chose 4 tickets on the date of his birthday to attend the Royals Pink in the Rink Game raising funds for breast cancer. We attended as a family all dressed in pink.

I bought my husband and kids souvenir scarves to wear as well as 8 ‘chuck a-pucks’ to throw out during one of the intermissions. We split the pucks so we each had 2 to throw. My husband won closest to one of the 3 circles. I went to collect his prize. The prize was 2 tickets to the Rihanna concert on April 1 in Vancouver, hotel for the night and air fare. The prize package was probably worth about $1000. When I gave my husband his prize he thought it was great. We were all so excited. The girls indicated they wanted to go to the concert so we talked briefly about how we would have to see if we could get 2 more tickets.

Then we looked at the date of the concert. It was the date we were booked to fly home from Florida. My husband literally had a tantrum. He yelled at me that I booked our trip to come home from Florida that day and he hadn’t wanted to stay that long in Florida in the first place. It was all my fault we now wouldn’t be able to go to the concert and he wanted to go. I suggested that we could do something; maybe change our return flight home to a day earlier or still go the concert as we arrived home 5 hours before the concert started. I suggested that maybe we could fly from Florida into Vancouver instead of Victoria and I was trying to think in my mind how we would handled our luggage, etc.

Firstly, I couldn’t believe he was acting this way and then acting this way in front of the kids. Yes, it would have been nice to go to the concert but it was on a Monday night, there were only 2 tickets so we either had to get 2 more tickets for the kids and the kids would miss school the next day or we had to find them some place to stay on a school night while we attended. We have no family here to look after the kids. We would also need to find someone to look after the dog if we went over night. It wasn’t simple logistically to figure out so wasn’t it a great prize to sell to someone else and take the money to use on our vacation? Plus, wasn’t our family vacation going to be great enough. It was our Christmas gift to the kids. Wouldn’t we want that extra day to enjoy Disney World?

I mentioned his tantrum and how his behaviour made me feel and he did apologize to me afterwards. We decided to sell the tickets.

On March 5, 2013 my husband made comments to me about e-mails that I sent my friends including a photograph of the girl that I thought was the other woman. I thought the only way he could possibly know this is because he went onto my computer when he came in the house with no one here as we knew he had done the night before when he knew the rest of us were out of the house.

When I called my husband out on that he said in an email to me on March 5, 2013 @ 9:00 a.m.:

“No…I’ve been told what you’re sending to people…. but you went through my emails? Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?”

He is referring to me taking his Blackberry on February 28 to see if I could find any evidence of indiscretions. I responded by e-mail on March 5, 2013 @ 12:37 p.m.:

“I never went through your e-mails–ever in the 23 years I have been with you. I’ve never snooped through your drawers, pockets, pagers, phones, etc. I don’t even know how to use your Blackberry. Sadly, I trusted you explicitly and let you live your life completely free. I never once thought you would do this to us and our family. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved your kids. I thought you loved and valued everything we built together. I am devastated. I am betrayed. I am the saddest person on this planet right now. I ache so deeply for this loss especially for my children who have lost every security they thought they had. It is unrepairable. This will affect forever the relationships that they will have. The best gift my parents every gave me was raising me in a secure marriage. I am so sad I can’t give my children that gift. I am so sad my husband didn’t love or respect me enough to fight for our marriage, to fight for our family, to go to counseling like I suggested. I got counselor names, I told you how much I loved you and would do anything for you. I am sad that my kids know that you gave up on us. That we weren’t enough for you.”

His response on March 6, 2013 @ 7:57 a.m.:

“Did you pack the Rihanna tickets somewhere. I haven’t seen them and would like to sell them.”

cheating, children, control, deceitfulness, family, father/daughter, infidelity, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, parenting, property disposal, relationships, separation, threats

Husband gets a lawyer

On March 4, 2013 @ 12:23 p.m. my husband sends me the following email:

“I’ve sent your email to my lawyer and you have no legal right to do anything with my belongings. You will be receiving a letter today which will be a cease and desist order. When I’ve got my accommodations sorted out I will pick up the remaining contents.”

I received an e-mail from his lawyer on March 4, 2013 @ 2:33 p.m. stating the following:

“Please be advised that we represent (husband). It has come to our attention that you have been removing and disposing of his personal property. This action needs to stop immediately. My client has been attempting to reasonably vacate the premises in an orderly and cooperative manner. He is still an owner of the property and there is no reason that his property needs to be removed in anything but a reasonable manner. My client simply needs a reasonable amount of time to find another place and he can collect his belongings once that happens.”

I respond by e-mail to my husband’s lawyer on March 5, 2013 @ 8:02 a.m. with a copy to my husband:

“None of (husband’s) property has ever been disposed. As a matter of fact, I rescued his Arsenal hat from the garbage. When I asked my daughter why daddy’s hat was in the garbage she said, “Because the slut was wearing it in the photo.” My daughter also said she couldn’t believe that I packed up his belongings so nicely in boxes and bags and placed everything in a neat and organized manner and easy location inside the house for him to access. She also was upset that I gave him “everything” instead of keeping some things that she thought should be ours to keep. When (husband) was not able to pick up very many items, we just had them delivered to the building in which he is an owner and where he claims to spend most of his time. The items were delivered shortly before he arrives at the office, well labeled, well protected and sheltered.

He was asked to pick up the rest of his items while I was at the house and to give me advanced notice. This is because it is not appropriate for him to be walking around the premises when someone is not here and removing items without my knowledge. Furthermore, my children have been very traumatized by his appearances at the house.

While I was at a school function last night with my older daughter, we both received frantic texts and phone calls that my younger daughter was “freaking out” because (husband) was at the house when we weren’t there and without our knowledge or permission. She was sure he was “stealing” our dog. When he was at our house the first time, my daughter called to me frantically saying that daddy came to the house 30 minutes before he was supposed to be there. She didn’t want to be there and she didn’t want the dog to be there when he arrived. She was hiding because she didn’t want him to see her. She was shaking because she needed to leave the house so I had to help her go out the front door with the dog and to just keep walking and not look back. She had her friend call another mom to come over because s he was afraid of what her dad might do to me. She called me on the phone 45 minutes later asking why he was still at the house saying his truck position had moved and was backed up to the garage and she was sure he was taking my things that are in the garage to dump because he always threatened to do this. Although I assured her that her daddy wouldn’t be wasting his time doing that now, the thoughts that have been going through my children’s heads are real to them.

Both my children are not sleeping, have been missing school since Friday and are incredibly anxious, emotional, scared and worried. It is upsetting to my older daughter that her dad didn’t come to her school last night to hear about her Experiential Learning Program that she is going to be a part of this upcoming term and that he chose not to be involved in parent/teacher interviews. It is even more upsetting to her that he used that opportunity while we were out of the house to do yet another thing that she considers to be deceitful. She is terrified to be at the house by herself because she thinks he is going to come by and/or try to contact her.

It appears that (husband) came through the house and did take the rest of his items. There doesn’t appear to be anything left in the garage that belongs to him. I trust that there will be no reason for him to come by our home again unannounced. If there is something that he might need in the future that he thinks he left here, I will be happy to try and locate that item and leave it outside our home at a time convenient to us both for him to retrieve this.”

The only response I received was from my husband on March 5, 2013 @ 8:24 a.m. by e-mail:

“Do you think (my lawyer) cares about my Arsenal hat or any of the other drivel that you put in the email? The simple fact is you have no right to restrict my access to the house to get, store or use my belongings. I am a legal owner of the property and am entitled to any of the benefits that an owner may enjoy.

I am trying to be nice and accommodating to you. But when you threaten to throw out my belongings on the driveway or leave them out front my office that is not rational or acceptable. So I went and got most of my things. There are still others that I will retrieve when I am able.

Stop using the kids in this process. Stop making them feel insecure and hiding them in the house and allowing crazy irrational behaviours. You are perpetuating things that aren’t real and that is simply unacceptable. You are attempting to punish me through the kids and that is petty, childish and frankly wrong. You can either start to accept what has happened, move forward and start to work with me or I will retain legal counsel to commence action for my rights to the kids. Take your pick.”

cheating, control, debt, deceitfulness, family, infidelity, legal proceedings, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

My emotions start spilling out

On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:

“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”

I respond at 9:27 a.m.: “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”

He responds at 9:37 a.m.:

“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about. What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on. I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response. I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office. If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward. I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt. Really makes you look petty in the long run.

Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you. Are you open to this?

My response at 11:21 a.m.:

“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want. We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else. So here is my “chat”.

Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me. I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house. You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank. If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place. You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever. If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on. If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family. And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my health. Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others. Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had. You are the petty one in the long and short run.

I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible. If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.

So let’s try this again:

I want your stuff gone from our house. You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time. I will have everything in the driveway for you. Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary. There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience. You can get a storage unit. I will no longer be your storage unit for anything. I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me. Do not come earlier and do not come later.

You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc. I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc. It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.

I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information. If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement. That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”

(my name)

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, marriage breakdown, mother/daughter, other woman, passive/aggressive, separation

Disposing of my husband’s belongings

My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.

I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs. I left the door unlocked so he could just come in. My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived. She did not want to see him. She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog. My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home. My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave. She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway. He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.

My older daughter went into sheer panic. She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time. I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her. She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.

Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch. Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived. She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me. I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.

I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max. I did feel emotional. I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I wanted him to want to talk to me. I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me. I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part. I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize. But he didn’t. Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.

After he was gone I went downstairs. Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger. He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier. Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.

My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left. My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things. She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman. I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner. I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things. I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something. I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have. Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.

We could help. And so we did. I felt better already doing something to take back the control.

My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings. We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office. He is a partner in the company where he works. His company owns the building where he works. Therefore I was not dumping on public property. I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this. She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected. His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up. His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.

When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed one of his colleagues coming down the stairs. It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend. When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot. My husband’s vehicle was there! It was daylight still so we left and came back home. We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m. No on was there now. We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said, “Property of (Husband’s Name)”. My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”. She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings. There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.

It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me. We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone. It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”

(my name)

cheating, control, divorce, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, lawyer, other woman, relationships, separation

Looking for help in all the right places

It is Friday, March 1 at about 7:00 a.m. I am in information relaying and gathering mode. I am in action mode. While my husband is heading to Vancouver for a weekend of business partying, I am sharing with the key people in my life about the fresh discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I am getting support, help, advice and encouragement for me and my girls.

I contacted lawyer Robert Klassen after finding his information on the internet. I called at 7:15 a.m., right after my husband walked out the door for the weekend. My husband knew I knew about his affair with another woman but he chose not to acknowledge me in anyway before leaving. There was no, “I’m sorry.” He told our 15-year old daughter, who was lying beside me at the time, that he was sorry she found out about his infidelity and that he wanted to talk to her when he returned, but he said nothing to me. He just left.

I was very surprised that Robert’s secretary answered the phone that early in the morning. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said, “Yes.” She asked me if I wanted to go through court. I said, “Yes.” Then I told her I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I should proceed and explained my situation. She put Robert on the phone with me. He was very kind and made time to meet with me later that afternoon. I had to get $3000 for a retainer fee. I took the money from my husband and my joint bank account.

Prior to meeting Robert, I had an appointment to get fake eyelashes applied to my top lids. I am blond and have fair, short, invisible lashes. After paying a ridiculous sum of money for lashes that only last 2 – 4 weeks and then require a $50 fill thereafter, I was told that I can’t allow my eyes to get wet for the next 24 hours as it would affect the glue adhesion. When I met Robert he gave me a hug, told me he’s been through divorce personally and knows how difficult this time is for me. He sat me down with a box of Kleenex. I promised him that I wouldn’t need the Kleenex due to my expensive new eyelashes. I answered his questions, listened to him, filled out forms, wrote down information, took pamphlets, accepted his advice on how to proceed and I did not require a single Kleenex.

While I was out, I had a call from a friend saying that my 15-year old daughter had answered the phone and she broke down crying. My 15-year old had missed school that day. When I got home I found that she got rid of all our family photos around the house. She told me they make her sick to see them. She was replaying things in her mind and determined that her dad took the dog with him on one of his trysts. That was very upsetting to her. She remembered that her dad recently punished her younger sister for lying and recalls that her dad was lying at this same time as to what he was doing and where he was spending his time. She wanted to call the other woman. She wanted to confront her face to face. The movie ‘The Women’ was on t.v. while I was out. She taped it for me because she thought it would be helpful for me to watch it and she said it would make me laugh. She suggested that I go out with my friends for the night. I told her I didn’t want to go anywhere. She offered to take my younger daughter swimming in the evening so I could have friends over. I told her I didn’t feel like having anyone over. She suggested that we all go to a movie. I told her that she could go out and she should do whatever would make her feel better at this time but that I didn’t want to go anywhere. She said, “Mom, I feel like your friends can help you better than I can.” I assured her that she was already a huge support to me and that she didn’t need to feel it was her responsibility to help me.

Another one of my friends had her mom pick up my younger daughter after school with her own daughter and take them to their dance class. Her mom took them back to her place afterwards and then when my friend was done work she picked the girls up from her mom’s place, went to McDonalds and brought us all back dinner. She visited my 15-year old in her room and came out and told me that my daughter broke down into tears. My friend left and offered to come back after dinner.

I knew that I needed to tell my younger daughter as simply as I could that mommy and daddy were separating. I wanted to wait until she was done eating her McDonalds. She actually overheard her sister and I talking about her daddy and about Florida so she asked, “Is Daddy not going to Florida?” I told her that daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy right now and that is why he doesn’t want to come on the trip with us. My older daughter blurted out, “Tell her the truth mom” and she turned to my younger daughter and said, “Dad has been cheating on mom with a whore.” I admonished my older daughter for speaking that way and at the same time my younger daughter said, “Is that true?” I don’t even know if she knew what that meant. I just confirmed that daddy is seeing another woman.

I did end up allowing 3 friends to come over and I am so glad that I did. One friend brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The other 2 friends ended up cleaning out my fridge and cleaning up my kitchen. 2 of these friends have experienced divorce. They were all amazing at helping both my older daughter and me just by listening and providing the comfort of friendship. Two friends also brought their daughters over who are friends with my youngest daughter so they were able to play and be distracted while the rest of us talked.

After meeting with Robert, I felt like I was in very capable hands legally. After spending time with my friends and reading e-mails from other friends and family who now had a chance to respond to my e-mail news about the affair, I felt very built up emotionally and supported. I felt like I was taking control in a situation that was completely out of my control. It had been a long day. I had been up now for about 36 hours but did not feel capable of sleeping. I was now in business mode and I felt like I could write my husband direction on how I was planning to move forward.

cheating, control, infidelity, other woman, relationships

My husband messages me for the first time after learning I know of his affair with another woman

On Friday, March 1, 2013 at 8:48 a.m. my husband makes his first comments to me regarding my discovery of his affair with another woman. He has just left our home about 2 hours prior to travel to Vancouver for a social/business weekend with some other guys from his office. He has only told my 15-year old daughter prior to walking out the door that he was sorry she saw the sexually explicit messages between him and the other woman and he wants to talk to her about it when he returns on Sunday. His first response to me via email is:

“That was nice of you to copy my parents. I get your anger towards me but to be vindictive and send that to them was wrong. I won’t go to Florida. Please cancel my flight”.

cheating, father/daughter, infidelity, letter, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

A daughter’s letter to her cheating father

After discovering explicit sexual texts on her dad’s Blackberry between her dad and another woman, my 15-year old daughter sent her out-of-town father the following email on March 1, 2013:

“I realize that you and mom haven’t gotten along for a while now and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I am okay with that. I have been waiting a while now to hear the news of a separation or divorce. I’m strong. I could have handled that and accepted that. If you two were fine with that, I would have been too. However screwing around with some slut from work is unforgivable as far as I am concerned. I don’t know what you were thinking but I’m not sure if you realized entirely what you were doing. You permanently damaged not only your marriage, but your family as well. I never in a million years thought you were that selfish.

On top of your actions, you don’t even care. You left this morning because hockey means more to you than your family does. You have left a fifteen year old girl to clean up your mess. I am trying to be strong for mom and (sister’s name) but it is hard. Now imagine how mom is feeling. You can say that her disorder is not real, but trust me, it is. Mom is depressed. What if mom had have found this out on her own? She could have done something much worse than e-mail your parents–to you or even herself.

Since mom crying doesn’t seem to have any effect on you, do you realize what this means for (sister’s name) and I? We will obviously be living with mom, I don’t want (sister’s name) anywhere near your “little turtle.” She does not need to be influenced by a whore. Mom has no job, how will she support us? I guess I will be returning to (public high school name) next year, seeing as mom will barely be able to afford housing, food and clothing for (sister’s name) and I, let alone an expensive school.

Night after night, I would wait for you to come home. I wouldn’t eat because I was waiting for my daddy to come eat with me. Then I would get a phone call, or a text, or sometimes nothing. Little did I know you were treating her to expensive dinners. Remember when you told me family was your number one priority? You said we come first which is why you were never late for dinner, and was always home by lunch on weekends. What happened to my dad?

While mom was crying the other night saying that she loves you and that she wants to fix things (sister’s name) and I were listening. You did not try to work things out. (Sister’s name) is eleven. She does not need the stress of an unfaithful father. She doesn’t deserve it, She deserves a family. Not a broken mom and a father with a skank for a girlfriend.

Yes, I do mean to be rude. I owe her no respect. If you expect me to meet this woman–the woman that ruined our family (did she ruin our family or were there more?) be nice to her and actually like her, then you are very wrong. As far as I am concerned, she is just a skank that fucked my dad while he was still married to my mom. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of a broken mom and devastated sister.

Are you honestly this stupid that you think this girl actually loves you? Think about it. Look how much younger she is. You are a man with money, and a man who can probably get her promoted job-wise. Right now, she is enjoying the $100 meals, and $50 Pandora charms. Wait until you are broke. She will leave you in a heartbeat. I look forward to this. You will realize what you have lost–not just your wife, but your kids as well. I saw the look on mom’s face when she saw your text messages. I saw her shaking and trying to hold in her tears. Do you think I will ever forgive you for making my mom feel that way?

The fact that you have the nerve to call (boyfriend’s name) a douche and say that he treats me like shit makes me livid after finding out about something like this. At least when I tell (boyfriend’s name) I love him, he says I love you back. He has never once held my mental state against me or tried to make me feel like less of a person because I have horrible mood swings or the fact that I cut myself. He helps me work through it and inspires me to stop harming myself–which I have. I feel that this ordeal will put me into another downward spiral. However, I know (boyfriend’s name) will be here for me to help me work through it. No matter how mad he is at me, not matter what I have done if I am crying, he immediately calms himself down and does everything in his power to make me feel better. He hugs me, tells me I am beautiful and tells me he loves me. You do not do this for mom. You insult her physical and mental state on a regular basis. I never want to hear you even utter a bad word about (boyfriend’s name) again, ever. He is a thousand times more of a man than you are.

I do not want to meet with you. I have no interest in hearing your petty arguments; trying to turn this around as if it was mom’s fault. This is not her fault. This is a result of your selfish mindset. I am honestly ashamed to be your daughter; ashamed that I see aspects of you in myself. I will never do anything like this in my lifetime. You are probably very angry with me for this e-mail, and that is fine. I understand. But, you are in the wrong here.

I hope you miss us. That is what you deserve.

I will tell (teacher’s name) that you are not available to mentor for my business group anymore. I do not want you involved in my life right now.

For your sake, I hope this woman isn’t what we all think she is. At least treat her better than you treated mom. She did so much for you and you didn’t even see it. Now that we are all gone you will begin to see how good you had it. You had a family that loved you and now you have a slut that is using you for your power and money. I really do hope she is different.

Goodbye.

(daughter’s name)”

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A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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