What Happens in the Pause

I just needed to take a break.

I needed to ignore my overwhelming ‘To Do’ list.

I needed to say “No” to doing anything.

I needed to try to halt my thoughts and clear my mind. Essentially to not focus, concentrate, reflect or ruminate on anything. To try to stop worrying. I didn’t write about anything. I tried to let everything flow in and out of my mind without judgment or consideration. I stepped back and I stepped aside.

I needed a hiatus from my friends, my routine and the day to day requirements of my pets and kids.

I needed a different scenario. An escape.

I just needed to do something that I wanted to do for me for no other purpose than enjoyment. Required respite.

My forced cessation of everything ended with a 3 week vacation. The first week was spent camping with my youngest daughter and her friend. I did have a couple of friends at the campsite and a friend who came up to visit for one day. After a week I returned home to spend a day touring friends from Ontario around Victoria and then the next day I flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks to celebrate my 50th birthday. I took my kids and I am glad that we were able to share in so many amazing experiences together. I still think that a week away in the future completely by myself or with one close friend is necessary. The urge to be able to be alone, to eat, sleep, do the things that I want to do when I want to do them without interruption or distraction is such a desire and need in my life right now. More refreshment should revitalize me further.

On the last day that I spent in Hawaii, I played in the waves all by myself on Hapuna Beach. It is apparently voted the 3rd best family beach in the world. It was a sunny day; no clouds in the sky and the water was so warm with a white sandy bottom. The waves would pull me back and then push me in. It was easy to just float and be lulled by the movement. The beach was long and I started from the middle and went all the way to the left to the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel and then back to the other side where the rock formations make caves and lava tubes. I made this journey twice. I swam, floated, walked and jumped. Sometimes it didn’t seem like I was making any progress at all and I just stayed in one spot. Other times, the tide would pull me and I would panic a little if I got too far away from shore. Eventually I made it to where I planned to go.

Hapuna Beach

I returned home with clearer thinking and renewed energy to work toward finishing all the tasks that I need to do to end my marriage and settle our legal matters.

Some things that I noticed during my pause:

I don’t have tolerance for garbage in my life. I am letting people and things go without regret.
I say what is on my mind and I am clear with my expectations.
I am eager and excited for change, adventurers, new people in my life and new possibilities anywhere they might take me.
I am braver and fear little.
The scar on my right arm from 3 surgeries for Melanoma, that the specialist I saw in June was concerned continued to be raised and wasn’t flattening despite all the massaging with oils, now lies completely flat and is pain free.
A slit in my right thumb nail that has plagued me for the last 10 years with continual breakage down into my nail bed is miraculously healed. I can’t stop looking at it and rubbing it. I feel like I am healing all over at the cellular level.
I realized that my ex has built his entire world around his work. He gets all his needs met at the workplace. All his benefits and money come from his employment. He is fed there, drinks there, gets sex there, the other woman works there, and his 2 best male friends who extend his social life beyond the walls of the office work there. He has created his work to be his God.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, divorce, ex spouse, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

He let the Bat out of the Cave

It was my youngest daughter’s recital on the weekend. She danced in 4 shows. She had 7 dances in the Saturday evening show and 4 dances in the Sunday afternoon show. The other 2 shows she just danced in the final production number.

When my husband left us for another woman he decided that it no longer mattered if my daughter had anyone watching her perform. He certainly has been a “no show” at many of her events. Where we used to support her completely as a family and go to all her shows, he now may pick just one main one. She has no other family who live locally to come and watch her and this year none of her grandparents flew in for recital. She has worked so hard all year practicing for this final event that it would make me sad to think that she didn’t have anyone personal in the audience attending specifically for her. I usually buy an extra ticket and invite a girlfriend to come and watch just so she has more people to cheer her on and appreciate her talent and hard work.

In that respect, I was fine with my ex bringing “the other woman”. I just wanted my daughter to feel like people cared enough to come and see her and if that is what gets her dad out then so be it. It is the first time he has brought the OW out to something where he hasn’t hidden with her in the back and ducked out early.

I was walking down the aisle of the theatre with my older daughter to find our seats before the show started when my daughter exclaimed, “Oh well look at who is here.” She walked up and talked to her dad and Janice Andrews and when I realized who she was talking to I just kept going. I spoke to a friend who caught my attention as we were sitting in the same row and I was trying to figure out where in the row my seats were located. She said, “Yuck, did you see who is behind us?” Interestingly enough she was sitting with her ex. They always attend things as a family to support their daughter. I just smiled and said that I better go around to the other side to access my seats. Thankfully, I was sitting well away from my ex and the OW. While I was walking to my seat another family engaged me in conversation and my thoughts were long from my ex already. I had a glass of wine and was very excited for the show.

At intermission, my ex and the OW didn’t leave their seats. My older daughter went to talk to them and after coming back from the washroom I stopped at seats just in front of them to speak to friends who had just returned from celebrating their wedding anniversary in Hawaii.

When the show was finished we all met outside at the backstage door and encouraged my daughter. The OW didn’t say anything. When we were ready to go my ex and the OW walked ahead hand in hand. It wasn’t even weird that my husband was holding hands with someone else. I have no emotional tie to him or them at all. There was nothing about them that made me care what they did, where they were going or how they got there. I was happy to be with my girls and to be going home with them.

I was back to see my daughter perform her 4 dances the next afternoon show and to go out for lunch with her afterwards between shows. Her dad did not come to watch. He obviously had more important things to do.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Royal Theatrics from the Ex

I have been very grateful to not have any contact with my ex. I scan and email my receipts to him and I get the same negative response back that he isn’t paying. He might throw in a snide comment or two but it doesn’t even phase me and I never respond.

Then out of the blue I get an email from him with the subject line “Royal Theatre”. Our youngest daughter’s dance recital is in two weeks so I thought maybe he wanted to know if I purchased a ticket for our older daughter to attend. That thought in my own head didn’t make sense because even when she lived with him I bought her a ticket as he never did. This was his rant:

“I know you continue to have some weird fascination with me, however you need to get your own Royal Theatre account. I’ve changed my password several times as you well know, since you have gone in and changed it to something else several times. It would probably take you less time to just get your own account, but for some reason you seem stuck on using mine? I know this because I can see your order history, address info and credit card. I contemplated contacting the theatre to cancel or report your tickets (row D seats 16&17) as being stolen, but it’s frankly not worth my time or energy.”

I, too, have gone to the Royal Theatre with the same concern. This was 3 years ago after we separated. I set up the Royal Theatre account more than 4 years before that even. Dave and I actually shared my personal email. He had his work email but we just had one family address. I was the one who always purchased the theatre tickets and the account is registered with my email address. Now when I login with my email address which hasn’t changed, and put in my password, I will find he has accessed the account and changed the billing address and credit card information to his own. I change it back for ordering but when I have picked up tickets at the box office his name has been printed on them. I tried to set up a new account but because I only have one email address it tells me I already have an account and it won’t let me set up a new one. I explained the situation to the theatre 3 years ago and they made changes while I was at the box office watching them but obviously it is still a problem.

He seems to keep thinking I am changing his password but it is my account so I access it with my own password. I guess he registered his email to the account as well and maybe that is why he is able to keep changing the password and accessing my account but I have never changed the password and I have never not been able to get in to their website to order tickets because he has changed it.

I will go to the theatre again with a copy of his email to show them that there is an issue with the account and certainly a privacy concern as well. I am hoping with his threat of cancelling the tickets and/or reporting them stolen that they will ensure there is a fix to the problem.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, cheating, child support, children, divorce, Janice Andrews, other woman, separation, single parent

Meddling Other Woman Money Motivation

My older daughter returned from university at the end of April.

She lived with me for the summer last year and each time she returned from university she only stayed with me. She decided that upon her return from university she would live with me for the 4 months she is home for the summer.

The other woman decided to discuss this with my daughter. She tried to encourage her to live with her dad. She said, “Your mom doesn’t even have a separate bedroom for you to stay in does she?”

My daughter was feeling very stressed by the other woman initiating this conversation with her. I have no idea why she would get involved or even care. When my daughter did live with my ex, she was left alone most of the time while my ex worked and then went to the other woman’s place afterwards. Whenever I would drop her off there, no matter how late at night, his vehicle was never in the driveway and she always seemed to come home to an empty place. He would sleep at the other woman’s place and my daughter was by herself.

I suspect it is a money motivation. I currently pay my ex child support for my older daughter as she lived with him for one school year following our separation. As my ex has to pay more per child than I do based on his higher income level, he simply reduces his child support payment to me for our younger daughter by the amount that I owe him for our older daughter.

Now that it is obviously clear that both children are living with me full time, my ex is refusing to change the child support amount. He initially tried to argue with me that our older daughter still hadn’t decided where she was going to live and she was just “visiting” me so she could see her pets and sister. It has now been 1 month and she hasn’t stayed at her dad’s place once. He argued that her resume had his address listed. When she updated her resume, however, she listed my address and applied for jobs closer to my home. She obtained a full-time job and I am the one who drives her to work or gives her bus fare and I am the one who makes her breakfast before she goes to work, packs her a lunch and picks her up after work.

My ex said that if she does decide to stay with me he’s not saying he won’t pay support for her but it hasn’t happened yet.

He is now arguing that I don’t pay him support for our older daughter. This is his latest email to me on this topic:

” (Older daughter’s name) has not stayed with you full time since July 2015. (Older daughter’s name) primary residence has and remains as my place. Even her resume shows my address. Her mail is delivered to my address. Her belongings are at my place.

I’m not sure where you get the idea you pay support? You don’t pay anything. If so provide me with a copy of payments made to me? If you think that I don’t pay you any support for (older daughter’s name) is somehow you paying me, then you need to seriously rethink how you view things. And if you think you’ve paid for anything of (older daughter’s name) over the last two years other than a passport, again you’re seriously mistaken. I’m the one that she comes to and says Mom says it’s your responsibility to pay for things. You have a very strange way of viewing things at times.

I’m not continuing this dialogue with you. My lawyer has everything and it is up to the lawyers to communicate. If that hasn’t been done, then please have your lawyer follow up with (his lawyer’s name).”

We go back to court in June. This is just another dispute to add to the list.

I did send the other woman an email to the work email address listed to contact her on her employment website telling her to mind her own business and to not interfere in trying to persuade my daughter where to live to suit her own agenda.

Cancer, melanoma, sun exposure

Lucky Friday the 13th

On Friday, I received a call from my doctor. She proclaimed to me twice, “You are one lucky lady.”

The third pathology report had just been received in her office and there is no more residual melanoma around the tumour site. She commented to me again that she had treated smaller moles/marks caught earlier that ended up being fatal.

I have a referral to the melanoma specialist on June 13, 2016. He will examine my entire body to see if there are any other areas of concern. I was advised that I am at risk for further occurrences so it is imperative that I be vigilant with monitoring and sun protection/avoidance. Genetic testing will likely be recommended for both me and my daughters.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, divorce, Janice Andrews, other woman, separatiion

The Mystery Poo

My older daughter sent me a screen shot of a message she received from her dad today.

Dad: Did you come by my place to use the bathroom?

Daughter: No? I am at work in Sidney. Why?

Dad: Over the weekend?

Daughter: No not at all. Why?

Dad: There was a turd in my toilet.

Daughter: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I haven’t been there.

Maybe I’ll get a call from the police tomorrow questioning me as to whether or not I have a key to my ex’s place and asking for a sample of my DNA to rule out it belonging to me. Another nutty complaint in the police file he and Janice are building against me.

Not sure if he was away with Janice over the weekend or away with someone else. Maybe he’s copied a key to his place to one too many women and someone is sending him a stinky message. I know he gave another girl at their work (the one I suspected he was having the affair with) his apartment key while he was away so she could come in and feed his fish.

Or it is the just the universe’s way of re-gifting what he has figuratively given to me and our girls so many other times during the past 3 years.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, Uncategorized

Lemonade

I love that Beyoncé’s HBO special and new album, Lemonade, are getting a lot of hype. No one is immune to cheating regardless of how loving, talented, beautiful, intelligent, successful or any other enviable trait.

The lyrics in this album are so powerful: “Are you cheating on me? You can taste the dishonesty. It’s all over your breath.”

What is also universal–no one has any love or respect for the other woman. Whether it is Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or both, their taunting of Beyoncé and dismissive, trite comments like, “Good hair, don’t care” sure do not win them any love. Rachel Roy is only now denying an affair with Jay Z because she has apparently received death threats on her and her children’s lives. Her Wikipedia account was hacked saying she died on April 23, 2016 under the lemonade stand.

The emotional ride on this album is one that anyone who has been cheated on can relate.

Regardless of how good Becky’s hair is, she has way too many other issues of lack that she tried to fill up by being the other woman. I’d take a bad hair day over being the other woman every time.

adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, separatiion, the other woman

Crappy Dance Dad

Dance competition season is here.

My 13-year old daughter competed on Friday performing her Jazz solo routine. She came in second place and she won the Spirit Award. Her dad was a no-show.

Tonight after her competition she asked me, “Was Janice there?”

I said, “I don’t know, was your dad there because I didn’t see him?” She said, “I thought I saw Janice and it made me almost mess up my tap routine.”

While we were driving home her dad texted her and said, “Were you happy with your jazz routine?”

She texted back, “Did you see it?”

She then told him that if he had been there he would have heard the adjudicators give her individualized, very specific critiques about both of her tap and jazz solo routines. He would have heard that they only hand out 2 prizes, first and second place. He would have seen her receive the second place award. He would have seen her receive roses from the judges. He would have learned that first place and second place are now moving on to compete at Provincials. He would have learned that his daughter achieved one of her goals and desires and is invited to Provincials for the first time in her life.

My daughter was congratulated by so many people. People were taking her photo and photos of the first and second place winners. Her dad was not one of those people. He texted saying, “I didn’t stay because I just thought there were going to be comments and I didn’t know there were going to be awards.”

I was trying not to express how angry I was by his texts as she read them to me. I could hear her disappointment that her dad might have been there but couldn’t even be bothered to stay until the end. I thought, “I have been with her at dance from 10:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. today and you couldn’t bother to sit through commentary by very prestigious and accomplished judges specifically about your daughter’s dancing ability during her solos?”

Of all the times to bring the other woman because it just makes her look too uninterested to stay and that her dad once again put this woman as priority over her. My daughter tried to protect her dad and make excuses for him by saying, “He probably left so Janice didn’t have to see you.” I didn’t respond. I’ve been going through this for 3 years. I have so much compassion for my daughter right now. I felt her sadness and disappointment. The highest dance honour she has received will be another reminded of her dad’s absence. I don’t need to reason with my child. She knows the truth. I just vent here instead and her dad just puts more distance in his relationship with her.

I really tried hard not to let her dad’s indifference overshadow her amazing experience. I took her to get a treat to celebrate and we focused on talking about all the great things that happened today at the competition. I am so proud of her. I am so proud of how hard she has worked for this and didn’t give up when she was feeling discouraged about her routine. I am so grateful that I was able to be there to share in her joy and to be part of her life and that she knows that.

We are back at it tomorrow from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. as my daughter competes in all 3 sessions, morning, afternoon and evening, with her group dances. I am so tired but I am so lucky!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, dating, infidelity, other woman, separatiion

I Don’t Feel Like Talking About Him

I have 18 drafts that I have started but haven’t been able to finish. A thought comes to mind, an insight, a discovery, new drama, old memories, next legal steps, etc. but they don’t hold my attention long enough to do anything more than string sentences together to form vague outlines.

I really want my ex out of my life and anything around our previous life together, his affair, the other woman, and his ongoing idiocy just bores me. I am so done with him.

Interestingly, he is still hiding the other woman from me. He must have seen me walk out from my place the other day before he came to pick up our daughter. I never saw him until I was turning off my cul de sac onto the next street. I checked left to make sure there was no traffic and there was his vehicle stopped in front of a neighbouring house just before my street. He and the other woman were in his truck. I just chuckled. Shame, fear, embarrassment, cowardice, whatever they feel that they need to still hide from me affects me little. I tried to come up with a feeling. Maybe disgust, maybe repulsion, but honestly it was more indifference. I was very happy with where I was going and who I was going to meet that my feeling was simply, “I could care less.” He is nothing to me. She is nothing to me.

It is 3 years this month since we separated. We will have another court proceeding in the near future but I feel like things are coming towards the end. I hope to have a legal divorce with our next court appearance.

I was just thinking about my ex still not doing anything to officially end our relationship and finalize ties. It is always me pushing to wrap things up. Dave continues to avoid, ignore, refuse and deny until he is forced to respond to legal documents and even then he fails to act. I think he is just floating around in some imaginary world he created that still isn’t satisfying whatever lack he feels. Even his lawyer showed his surprise at our last court date in January that we still weren’t divorced. He joked about the ways Dave is wasting so much money specifically referencing his refusal to just continue with our joint Costco membership (he went out and paid for a new one) and for not paying for “family” medical services which is a lesser amount than us all paying individually. Dave makes decisions to try to hurt or punish me but I am so used to these now. They are just obstacles he throws in my path to detract from my goal of completely separating our lives from each other and finalizing our divorce. They don’t cause me to react any longer. I just do what I have to do to remove them. I think the lousy decision to fool around with the other woman weights him down. I think his burdens paralyze him to act in any reasonable and caring fashion. I think he misdirects his hate, anger and blame at me instead of heaping it on himself. It also might just be that he is a narcissistic dick.

As for me, I finally feel like I am ready to date. I have done the work that I needed to do in order to be able to move on. There are still items to finalize but the end is closer than ever and I am feeling very optimistic about things. I have been very impressed with the caliber of men who have asked me out. I finally feel available to accept another man’s attention and I feel like I am in a great space to be able to give back and focus my attention on someone else.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, Christianity, divorce, faith, God, melanoma, separatiion, Spirituality, the other woman

A Spreading Cancer and a beautiful Crater

I met with the doctor on Friday afternoon, last week. She was held up in the operating room at the hospital so she was late getting back to her office. There were two patients for her to see before me so it was close to 3:30 when I finally got to meet with her.

The melanoma in my right arm has spread beyond the 5 mm perimeter on one side. Therefore, I require more surgery. My doctor wanted me to come in on Sunday. I told her I was leaving in the morning for March break. I was leaving with a girlfriend and her two daughters along with my daughter for a road trip. We had reservations at the Running Y Ranch Resort in Klamath Falls, Oregon for Saturday. We booked to stay for the week (an amazing deal of only $150/week for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo) but we planned on leaving Thursday to go to Portland as our girls are in a dance competition. It would be a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles and then another 10 hour drive to our destination so I really couldn’t delay the trip for 2 days without disappointing 4 other people.

We discussed the risks of waiting. My doctor said if it was a basal cell carcinoma she would say it was okay to wait but she reminded me we are dealing with melanoma and “ideally” it should come out today. She said there were two benefits of waiting. Firstly, the scar on my arm is very tight. The longer it has to heal the more chance there is skin for her to pull back over my wound. She also said waiting until I get back would give her time to try and see if she could order a small batch of skin bond glue. It is very expensive and I will have to pay for it. She said she would see if she could order just enough for my procedure. It will cost about $50.

So I made the decision to carry on with my trip. I booked my surgery for the first available appointment my doctor had after Easter which is the end of March break.

I do not regret my decision, at this point anyway. We are having an amazing time. The resort was beautiful. We made a lot of use out of the huge pool that we had to ourselves a lot of the time. We enjoyed the Shriner circus, shopped, explored the lava beds in California, the Wildlife Refuge, climbed mountains, descended into caves, went on self-guided nature walks, visited Petroglyphs and learned a lot about the Madoc and Klamath Indian battles with the white settlers.

The highlight was being able to experience the awe of Crater Lake. We had wanted to go early in the week but due to snow storms there was no visibility even if we could make the drive up there. We were able to view the webcams around the lake from our resort lobby. There was no visibility. It was fogged in. The road was completely snow packed. The road had been closed the entire time we were in Klamath Falls but we heard that you could snow shoe from the Visitor Station to the rim in about 30 minutes. We decided to chance it on our way back towards Portland. It was a clear, sunny and warm day. It turns out that the road reopened just two hours before we arrived so we were able to drive up to the rim.

It was a very spiritual experience for me. The half million years it took for Mount Mazama to form. Then the battle that was brewing inside it until it’s final eruption 7,700 years ago. So violent was that eruption that the foundation cracked in a complete circle and the entire mountain collapsed in destruction. When all that was left was the empty, scarred caldera it became filled with melted snow to form the deepest lake in the United States and possibly the purest source of water in the world. It was a real reminder to me of how the most difficult and traumatic experiences in our life that completely leave us depleted can be filled with everything good and pure and turn our lives into the most beautiful, unimaginable creations.

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scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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