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wife discovers cheating husband emails to other woman

cheating, Collaborative Family Law, control, divorce, family, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action

On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:

(Husband’s name),

This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.

(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.

I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.

I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:

1. Court Proceedings
2. Mediation
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option

Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.

The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.

You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.

Important:

Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.

If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.

Thank you,

(my name)

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cheating, control, divorce, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, lawyer, other woman, relationships, separation

Looking for help in all the right places

It is Friday, March 1 at about 7:00 a.m. I am in information relaying and gathering mode. I am in action mode. While my husband is heading to Vancouver for a weekend of business partying, I am sharing with the key people in my life about the fresh discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I am getting support, help, advice and encouragement for me and my girls.

I contacted lawyer Robert Klassen after finding his information on the internet. I called at 7:15 a.m., right after my husband walked out the door for the weekend. My husband knew I knew about his affair with another woman but he chose not to acknowledge me in anyway before leaving. There was no, “I’m sorry.” He told our 15-year old daughter, who was lying beside me at the time, that he was sorry she found out about his infidelity and that he wanted to talk to her when he returned, but he said nothing to me. He just left.

I was very surprised that Robert’s secretary answered the phone that early in the morning. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said, “Yes.” She asked me if I wanted to go through court. I said, “Yes.” Then I told her I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I should proceed and explained my situation. She put Robert on the phone with me. He was very kind and made time to meet with me later that afternoon. I had to get $3000 for a retainer fee. I took the money from my husband and my joint bank account.

Prior to meeting Robert, I had an appointment to get fake eyelashes applied to my top lids. I am blond and have fair, short, invisible lashes. After paying a ridiculous sum of money for lashes that only last 2 – 4 weeks and then require a $50 fill thereafter, I was told that I can’t allow my eyes to get wet for the next 24 hours as it would affect the glue adhesion. When I met Robert he gave me a hug, told me he’s been through divorce personally and knows how difficult this time is for me. He sat me down with a box of Kleenex. I promised him that I wouldn’t need the Kleenex due to my expensive new eyelashes. I answered his questions, listened to him, filled out forms, wrote down information, took pamphlets, accepted his advice on how to proceed and I did not require a single Kleenex.

While I was out, I had a call from a friend saying that my 15-year old daughter had answered the phone and she broke down crying. My 15-year old had missed school that day. When I got home I found that she got rid of all our family photos around the house. She told me they make her sick to see them. She was replaying things in her mind and determined that her dad took the dog with him on one of his trysts. That was very upsetting to her. She remembered that her dad recently punished her younger sister for lying and recalls that her dad was lying at this same time as to what he was doing and where he was spending his time. She wanted to call the other woman. She wanted to confront her face to face. The movie ‘The Women’ was on t.v. while I was out. She taped it for me because she thought it would be helpful for me to watch it and she said it would make me laugh. She suggested that I go out with my friends for the night. I told her I didn’t want to go anywhere. She offered to take my younger daughter swimming in the evening so I could have friends over. I told her I didn’t feel like having anyone over. She suggested that we all go to a movie. I told her that she could go out and she should do whatever would make her feel better at this time but that I didn’t want to go anywhere. She said, “Mom, I feel like your friends can help you better than I can.” I assured her that she was already a huge support to me and that she didn’t need to feel it was her responsibility to help me.

Another one of my friends had her mom pick up my younger daughter after school with her own daughter and take them to their dance class. Her mom took them back to her place afterwards and then when my friend was done work she picked the girls up from her mom’s place, went to McDonalds and brought us all back dinner. She visited my 15-year old in her room and came out and told me that my daughter broke down into tears. My friend left and offered to come back after dinner.

I knew that I needed to tell my younger daughter as simply as I could that mommy and daddy were separating. I wanted to wait until she was done eating her McDonalds. She actually overheard her sister and I talking about her daddy and about Florida so she asked, “Is Daddy not going to Florida?” I told her that daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy right now and that is why he doesn’t want to come on the trip with us. My older daughter blurted out, “Tell her the truth mom” and she turned to my younger daughter and said, “Dad has been cheating on mom with a whore.” I admonished my older daughter for speaking that way and at the same time my younger daughter said, “Is that true?” I don’t even know if she knew what that meant. I just confirmed that daddy is seeing another woman.

I did end up allowing 3 friends to come over and I am so glad that I did. One friend brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The other 2 friends ended up cleaning out my fridge and cleaning up my kitchen. 2 of these friends have experienced divorce. They were all amazing at helping both my older daughter and me just by listening and providing the comfort of friendship. Two friends also brought their daughters over who are friends with my youngest daughter so they were able to play and be distracted while the rest of us talked.

After meeting with Robert, I felt like I was in very capable hands legally. After spending time with my friends and reading e-mails from other friends and family who now had a chance to respond to my e-mail news about the affair, I felt very built up emotionally and supported. I felt like I was taking control in a situation that was completely out of my control. It had been a long day. I had been up now for about 36 hours but did not feel capable of sleeping. I was now in business mode and I felt like I could write my husband direction on how I was planning to move forward.

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cheating, control, infidelity, other woman, relationships

My husband messages me for the first time after learning I know of his affair with another woman

On Friday, March 1, 2013 at 8:48 a.m. my husband makes his first comments to me regarding my discovery of his affair with another woman. He has just left our home about 2 hours prior to travel to Vancouver for a social/business weekend with some other guys from his office. He has only told my 15-year old daughter prior to walking out the door that he was sorry she saw the sexually explicit messages between him and the other woman and he wants to talk to her about it when he returns on Sunday. His first response to me via email is:

“That was nice of you to copy my parents. I get your anger towards me but to be vindictive and send that to them was wrong. I won’t go to Florida. Please cancel my flight”.

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cheating, father/daughter, infidelity, letter, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

A daughter’s letter to her cheating father

After discovering explicit sexual texts on her dad’s Blackberry between her dad and another woman, my 15-year old daughter sent her out-of-town father the following email on March 1, 2013:

“I realize that you and mom haven’t gotten along for a while now and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I am okay with that. I have been waiting a while now to hear the news of a separation or divorce. I’m strong. I could have handled that and accepted that. If you two were fine with that, I would have been too. However screwing around with some slut from work is unforgivable as far as I am concerned. I don’t know what you were thinking but I’m not sure if you realized entirely what you were doing. You permanently damaged not only your marriage, but your family as well. I never in a million years thought you were that selfish.

On top of your actions, you don’t even care. You left this morning because hockey means more to you than your family does. You have left a fifteen year old girl to clean up your mess. I am trying to be strong for mom and (sister’s name) but it is hard. Now imagine how mom is feeling. You can say that her disorder is not real, but trust me, it is. Mom is depressed. What if mom had have found this out on her own? She could have done something much worse than e-mail your parents–to you or even herself.

Since mom crying doesn’t seem to have any effect on you, do you realize what this means for (sister’s name) and I? We will obviously be living with mom, I don’t want (sister’s name) anywhere near your “little turtle.” She does not need to be influenced by a whore. Mom has no job, how will she support us? I guess I will be returning to (public high school name) next year, seeing as mom will barely be able to afford housing, food and clothing for (sister’s name) and I, let alone an expensive school.

Night after night, I would wait for you to come home. I wouldn’t eat because I was waiting for my daddy to come eat with me. Then I would get a phone call, or a text, or sometimes nothing. Little did I know you were treating her to expensive dinners. Remember when you told me family was your number one priority? You said we come first which is why you were never late for dinner, and was always home by lunch on weekends. What happened to my dad?

While mom was crying the other night saying that she loves you and that she wants to fix things (sister’s name) and I were listening. You did not try to work things out. (Sister’s name) is eleven. She does not need the stress of an unfaithful father. She doesn’t deserve it, She deserves a family. Not a broken mom and a father with a skank for a girlfriend.

Yes, I do mean to be rude. I owe her no respect. If you expect me to meet this woman–the woman that ruined our family (did she ruin our family or were there more?) be nice to her and actually like her, then you are very wrong. As far as I am concerned, she is just a skank that fucked my dad while he was still married to my mom. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of a broken mom and devastated sister.

Are you honestly this stupid that you think this girl actually loves you? Think about it. Look how much younger she is. You are a man with money, and a man who can probably get her promoted job-wise. Right now, she is enjoying the $100 meals, and $50 Pandora charms. Wait until you are broke. She will leave you in a heartbeat. I look forward to this. You will realize what you have lost–not just your wife, but your kids as well. I saw the look on mom’s face when she saw your text messages. I saw her shaking and trying to hold in her tears. Do you think I will ever forgive you for making my mom feel that way?

The fact that you have the nerve to call (boyfriend’s name) a douche and say that he treats me like shit makes me livid after finding out about something like this. At least when I tell (boyfriend’s name) I love him, he says I love you back. He has never once held my mental state against me or tried to make me feel like less of a person because I have horrible mood swings or the fact that I cut myself. He helps me work through it and inspires me to stop harming myself–which I have. I feel that this ordeal will put me into another downward spiral. However, I know (boyfriend’s name) will be here for me to help me work through it. No matter how mad he is at me, not matter what I have done if I am crying, he immediately calms himself down and does everything in his power to make me feel better. He hugs me, tells me I am beautiful and tells me he loves me. You do not do this for mom. You insult her physical and mental state on a regular basis. I never want to hear you even utter a bad word about (boyfriend’s name) again, ever. He is a thousand times more of a man than you are.

I do not want to meet with you. I have no interest in hearing your petty arguments; trying to turn this around as if it was mom’s fault. This is not her fault. This is a result of your selfish mindset. I am honestly ashamed to be your daughter; ashamed that I see aspects of you in myself. I will never do anything like this in my lifetime. You are probably very angry with me for this e-mail, and that is fine. I understand. But, you are in the wrong here.

I hope you miss us. That is what you deserve.

I will tell (teacher’s name) that you are not available to mentor for my business group anymore. I do not want you involved in my life right now.

For your sake, I hope this woman isn’t what we all think she is. At least treat her better than you treated mom. She did so much for you and you didn’t even see it. Now that we are all gone you will begin to see how good you had it. You had a family that loved you and now you have a slut that is using you for your power and money. I really do hope she is different.

Goodbye.

(daughter’s name)”

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cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, relationships, separation

Handling the evidence

It was obvious there was an emotional and physical affair taking place between my husband and another woman. So what was I going to do with that information?

My 15-year old daughter who now had intimate details of her dad’s infidelity wanted us to go and wake him up. I knew I didn’t want her involved in any confrontation with her dad regarding the affair. She wanted to call the girlfriend. I also didn’t want her involved in doing that. I was still in shock but I was very calm, numb, but present and my mind was sharp, in think mode. I needed to plan out, as wisely as I could under these foreign circumstances, how best to proceed.

At this point, time was on our side as he would be sleeping for another 5 hours. He had to get up early to go to Vancouver in the morning. He was meeting some other coworkers downtown where he was leaving his car and was going to be flying by seaplane to the mainland to conduct some social business.

We were to fly to Florida on a family vacation starting the next weekend. My younger daughter and I were flying out on March 9 and then my husband and older daughter the Saturday after that due to the difference in the scheduling of our children’s March breaks. We were to be staying with my husband’s parents at a place they rented in Englewood. My 15-year old daughter decided we had to tell Nanny and Poppa. Due to the time difference (they were 3 hours ahead of us so it would be 3:00 a.m. for them) we decided to send a copy of the longer emails between my husband and the other woman to my in-laws and then copied my husband and the other woman. This way I knew that when my husband woke up he would check his Blackberry and know that his daughter, me and his parents were in on his little secret.

I also advised my closest friends by e-mail that my husband was having an affair. It was only when they questioned me as to whether I was sure or if it might just be a misunderstanding or suspicion did I send them a copy of the text where he was professing how beautiful, sexy and mesmerizing she was to him and that he wanted to be with her at all times, have sex with her soooo badly and that he loved her.

We did check out the other woman’s facebook. She had posted that she liked someone as of November 7, 2012. I checked the date and that was the date that my husband and I attended one of his work functions to watch the movie Skyfall. It was likely that she would have been there as well. There was a long period of time where I went and saved us seats while he went to get concessions.

We then contacted a lock smith. We had it all set up for someone to come and change the locks at 9:00 a.m. after my husband would have been gone. It was all arranged until she checked where we lived and told us that the lock smith for our area just quit the day before so there was no one able to come.

We downloaded a couple photos of women off of my husband’s phone and then I returned it back to the bathroom and plugged it in so it could continue to charge the way he had left it. Then we waited.

My daughter and I went into the bedroom in our unrented suite and lied down. I didn’t sleep. I would get up and sit at the bottom of the stairs to listen to see if he was up yet. My daughter and I snuggled, talked and we finally decided at 3:00 a.m. our time to contact my birth mom and step dad who were also in Florida on vacation. It was 6:00 a.m. their time but I needed to talk to someone. I knew I would wake them up. My daughter also felt the need to talk to someone and felt they would give us the best support and advice.

They didn’t have a lot to say. I think they were in shock, we had woke them up, they had never gone through this before, they didn’t expect this, certainly didn’t think it was in my husband’s character to do this and even though my mom had visited in November 2012 for 2 weeks she thought, apart from my husband seeming more quiet, that everything was fine. Their advice was to talk to my husband and not to do anything rash like change the locks.

So, I finally heard him up. He was up for awhile and I began to wonder if he would even come down to see us before he left. Then I heard him letting the dog out. I can still here the sound of his heavy foot steps walking back towards our bedroom. I was lying on my side with my arm around my daughter who was sleeping on her side. My back was to the bedroom door. He walked into the room and called my daughter’s name. She didn’t respond. He said her name again and added, “I’m sorry that you saw what you did. I’d like to talk to you about it when I get back on Sunday.” She quipped, “I bet you would.” Then he left. Not a word to me.

His family life as he knew it was no more; it had imploded. Instead of cancelling his social weekend of business in which there was no consequence to him not attending and staying home to talk to his daughter, talk to his wife, he made it obvious by his actions that he had already left us in his mind and now physically he was gone, too.

I got out of bed when I heard him leave and contacted a lawyer.

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cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

Sex texting and emails reveal the affair

My daughter forwarded the texts and emails she found on my husband’s Blackberry to my computer in our office downstairs. There we sat at midnight, unbeknown to my husband as he slept upstairs above us, reading and re-reading intimate conversations he was having with another woman.

There was a reference that he had at least been seeing her since December 13, 2012. They both work in the insurance industry so he made a comment that even though he received subrogation documents from her before December 13 he could feel the sexual tension when he touched them and he almost orgasmed.

Here is the chain of emails (copied verbatim) that outline their feelings for each other:

February 28, 2013 8:20 a.m.
husband to other woman: “Apparently Tina has appendicitis and is supposed to have surgery today? There’s not a lot of love or sympathy for her here at the moment.”

February 28, 2013 8:23 a.m.
response from other woman: “why is there no sympathy? Who is not sympathetic? She is a single mother with little to no help from anyone, probably without savings and just scraping by. I hope she will get paid while she is off.”

February 28, 2013 8:29 a.m.
husband: “Fuck her….I just want to have sex with you….I’m kidding about the fuck her part but not the wanting to fuck you….I’m feeling a little aggressive at the moment….Well I’m sure you can guess of the ladies and guys who would be unsympathetic. The general thought is they don’t believe her. She was moping around before I left last night so maybe it’s real. Some have asked to see her scar to prove it. If it is real that’s pretty bad on our part. We really should be at the very least sending her some flowers or something.”

February 28, 2013 8:35 a.m.
other woman: “When I was there the other night she was telling me how they thought she had a kidney infection but that her doctor thought it was appendicitis. How is she going to fake surgery? Will no one go see her in the hospital? I think I was in hospital for at least a few days and then off school for a week or so, although its a long time ago. Yes you should send her flowers. That place is really unbelievable sometimes.

February 28, 2013 8:49 a.m.
husband: “Well 3 people have come in so far and said they don’t believe her…tough crowd. I even said what if it’s real? That would be pretty shitty of us to completely ignore her. I know she can be overly dramatic at times and probably has cried wolf once or twice but holy crap let’s give her the benefit of the doubt…did you read your bbm to find out what you missed this morning?

February 28, 2013 9:04 a.m.
other woman: “Yes, I am very sorry I missed that this morning. I asked if I could take a raincheck? Will I see you later today? Can you go for a coffee after work? Love you:)”

February 28, 2013 9:11 a.m.
husband: “I’m like a groupon….you’ll have to wait for the next massage deal to pop up. Although if your roommate is away again next week I might be convinced to reoffer my deal. Yes, I would like to see you later today if we can squeeze it in. I’m not going to get to see you all weekend so I will need a little (other woman’s name) time before I go. I have to be home by 6:30 so we won’t have a ton of time unfortunately. We could probably meet again at Starbucks near your place if that works. Just let me know what time you want to meet.”

February 28, 2013 9:21 a.m.
other woman: “I think groupon is bankrupt, so probably not a good business model to copy. Starbucks on Shelbourne is good…4:45 or so? It seems like I haven’t seen you for a long time…I always miss you when I am not with you.”

February 28, 2013 9:37 a.m.
husband: “Yeah 4:45 is good. I’ll see you then….I’m missing you as well. After being together Sunday and Monday it’s hard to go back to barely seeing and touching each other. I’m going to miss you hugely on the weekend. Maybe we can get together on Sunday afternoon when I get back? I’ll have to come downtown to get my car. By the way, I’m warning you in advance that you may receive several drunken texts over the course of the weekend. I’ll probably want to talk to you as well but will try to restrain myself from calling.”

There was a reponse from the other woman that I didn’t save a copy of that mentioned that the drunk texts wouldn’t be as bad as the ones that she sent to him from Las Vegas.

There is one other BBM (Blackberry Message) that they sent to each other. My husband started:

“Hey LF….have I ever told you how incredibly beautiful and sexy you are? I’m sure I haven’t and I must apologize. You’re mesmerizing to me. I can’t get enough of you. I want to be with you at all times. I wanted to have sex with you soooooo badly tonight. I can’t wait for our next encounter. If it’s even half as good as Sunday and Monday it will be fantastic. I love you my little turtle.”

Response from other woman:

“I am very much looking forward to that also. I am missing you, wish I could go to Van with you. Soon we will go to a hockey game together there and wherever we want. Love you BF.”

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cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

Discovery of the affair

It was Thursday, February 28, 2013. My husband went to bed before 10:00 p.m. We used to watch the news together but he said he had to get up early as he was leaving for Vancouver in the morning for a weekend of business that involved going to Vancouver with a couple of other male coworkers to take out clients to lunches, dinners and a Vancouver Canucks game on Saturday night.

I had been spending the week already sleeping downstairs in our unrented suite due to tension in our marriage during the week. I asked him if he was going to say goodbye to me since I wouldn’t see him in the morning. My 15-year old daughter was in the room and he kind of grunted and looked disgusted as I got up to give him a hug. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said begrudgingly, “You can hug me if you want to.”

That was when I felt that something was more wrong than just a bump in our marriage. I went downstairs but couldn’t sleep. Never in the 23 years that we had been dating, co-habitating and married had I ever snooped in pockets, wallets, drawers, mail, e-mail, pages, phone messages, etc. but something told me to check out his Blackberry.

It was 11:30 p.m. He was already asleep. I crept into our bedroom and went to take his Blackberry off his dresser but it wasn’t in its usual spot. He always charges it in the kitchen so I checked the counter and it wasn’t there either. I decided to just go back downstairs. On my way down I noticed the light on in my 15-year old daughter’s room. She always falls asleep with the light on so I opened her door to turn it off. She was still awake. She said she couldn’t sleep and for me to leave her light on. We talked for a minute and then I left her room and shut her door. I thought further about the oddity of my husband’s missing phone. I snuck quietly back into our bedroom and went into our bathroom. In the dark, I saw the black cord across our white sink. He was charging it in our bathroom. He’s never done that before. I took the phone and when I unplugged it the screen lit up. In a panic, I quickly covered it and ran quietly out into our kitchen. I don’t own a Blackberry and I’m not very technologically-minded. I didn’t know what I was doing. I pushed some buttons to try to look at photos and texts but I couldn’t get anything to open. Next thing I know, it appeared that I sent a blank text to one of his coworkers. I tried to click on a button again and it looked like I sent a second blank text to the same coworker. Now I was afraid my husband would know I was on his phone. My 15-year old has a Blackberry. I opened her door and she was still awake. I apologized to her and said that mommy was on daddy’s phone and that I thought I sent a text by mistake. Could she just look to see if I did that and if I did is there a way that it can be deleted. She told me to give her the phone and next thing you know she was swearing and cursing her father. I was shocked. I was reprimanding her for her language and then she said that dad is having an affair. What? Further shock. She was going through his phone and I was physically shaking. I didn’t really expect to find anything and I certainly wasn’t prepared to find anything. I felt sick to my stomach. She took over and went into parent mode. She showed me some of the content on his phone and said that she was going to send it to my e-mail and to her computer so there was a record and he couldn’t erase it. We went downstairs together and started to comb through the evidence.

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