Category Archives: separation

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, marriage breakdown, mother/daughter, other woman, passive/aggressive, separation

Disposing of my husband’s belongings

My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.

I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs.  I left the door unlocked so he could just come in.  My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived.  She did not want to see him.   She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog.  My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home.  My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave.  She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway.  He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.

My older daughter went into sheer panic.  She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time.  I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her.  She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.

Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch.  Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived.  She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me.  I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.

I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max.   I did feel emotional.  I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach.  I still couldn’t believe this was happening.  I wanted him to want to talk to me.  I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me.  I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part.  I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize.  But he didn’t.  Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.

After he was gone I went downstairs.  Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger.  He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier.  Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.

My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left.  My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things.  She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman.  I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner.  I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things.  I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something.   I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have.  Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.

We could help.  And so we did.   I felt better already doing something to take back the control.

My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings.  We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office.  He is a partner in the company where he works.  His company owns the building where he works.  Therefore I was not dumping on public property.  I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this.  She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected.  His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up.  His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.

When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed  one of his colleagues coming down the stairs.  It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend.  When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot.  My husband’s vehicle was there!  It was daylight still so we left and came back home.  We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m.  No on was there now.  We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said,  “Property of (Husband’s Name)”.  My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”.  She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings.  There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.

It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me.  We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone.  It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.

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cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”

(my name)

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cheating, Collaborative Family Law, control, divorce, family, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action

On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:

(Husband’s name),

This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.

(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.

I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.

I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:

1. Court Proceedings
2. Mediation
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option

Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.

The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.

You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.

Important:

Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.

If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.

Thank you,

(my name)

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cheating, control, divorce, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, lawyer, other woman, relationships, separation

Looking for help in all the right places

It is Friday, March 1 at about 7:00 a.m. I am in information relaying and gathering mode. I am in action mode. While my husband is heading to Vancouver for a weekend of business partying, I am sharing with the key people in my life about the fresh discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I am getting support, help, advice and encouragement for me and my girls.

I contacted lawyer Robert Klassen after finding his information on the internet. I called at 7:15 a.m., right after my husband walked out the door for the weekend. My husband knew I knew about his affair with another woman but he chose not to acknowledge me in anyway before leaving. There was no, “I’m sorry.” He told our 15-year old daughter, who was lying beside me at the time, that he was sorry she found out about his infidelity and that he wanted to talk to her when he returned, but he said nothing to me. He just left.

I was very surprised that Robert’s secretary answered the phone that early in the morning. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said, “Yes.” She asked me if I wanted to go through court. I said, “Yes.” Then I told her I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I should proceed and explained my situation. She put Robert on the phone with me. He was very kind and made time to meet with me later that afternoon. I had to get $3000 for a retainer fee. I took the money from my husband and my joint bank account.

Prior to meeting Robert, I had an appointment to get fake eyelashes applied to my top lids. I am blond and have fair, short, invisible lashes. After paying a ridiculous sum of money for lashes that only last 2 – 4 weeks and then require a $50 fill thereafter, I was told that I can’t allow my eyes to get wet for the next 24 hours as it would affect the glue adhesion. When I met Robert he gave me a hug, told me he’s been through divorce personally and knows how difficult this time is for me. He sat me down with a box of Kleenex. I promised him that I wouldn’t need the Kleenex due to my expensive new eyelashes. I answered his questions, listened to him, filled out forms, wrote down information, took pamphlets, accepted his advice on how to proceed and I did not require a single Kleenex.

While I was out, I had a call from a friend saying that my 15-year old daughter had answered the phone and she broke down crying. My 15-year old had missed school that day. When I got home I found that she got rid of all our family photos around the house. She told me they make her sick to see them. She was replaying things in her mind and determined that her dad took the dog with him on one of his trysts. That was very upsetting to her. She remembered that her dad recently punished her younger sister for lying and recalls that her dad was lying at this same time as to what he was doing and where he was spending his time. She wanted to call the other woman. She wanted to confront her face to face. The movie ‘The Women’ was on t.v. while I was out. She taped it for me because she thought it would be helpful for me to watch it and she said it would make me laugh. She suggested that I go out with my friends for the night. I told her I didn’t want to go anywhere. She offered to take my younger daughter swimming in the evening so I could have friends over. I told her I didn’t feel like having anyone over. She suggested that we all go to a movie. I told her that she could go out and she should do whatever would make her feel better at this time but that I didn’t want to go anywhere. She said, “Mom, I feel like your friends can help you better than I can.” I assured her that she was already a huge support to me and that she didn’t need to feel it was her responsibility to help me.

Another one of my friends had her mom pick up my younger daughter after school with her own daughter and take them to their dance class. Her mom took them back to her place afterwards and then when my friend was done work she picked the girls up from her mom’s place, went to McDonalds and brought us all back dinner. She visited my 15-year old in her room and came out and told me that my daughter broke down into tears. My friend left and offered to come back after dinner.

I knew that I needed to tell my younger daughter as simply as I could that mommy and daddy were separating. I wanted to wait until she was done eating her McDonalds. She actually overheard her sister and I talking about her daddy and about Florida so she asked, “Is Daddy not going to Florida?” I told her that daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy right now and that is why he doesn’t want to come on the trip with us. My older daughter blurted out, “Tell her the truth mom” and she turned to my younger daughter and said, “Dad has been cheating on mom with a whore.” I admonished my older daughter for speaking that way and at the same time my younger daughter said, “Is that true?” I don’t even know if she knew what that meant. I just confirmed that daddy is seeing another woman.

I did end up allowing 3 friends to come over and I am so glad that I did. One friend brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The other 2 friends ended up cleaning out my fridge and cleaning up my kitchen. 2 of these friends have experienced divorce. They were all amazing at helping both my older daughter and me just by listening and providing the comfort of friendship. Two friends also brought their daughters over who are friends with my youngest daughter so they were able to play and be distracted while the rest of us talked.

After meeting with Robert, I felt like I was in very capable hands legally. After spending time with my friends and reading e-mails from other friends and family who now had a chance to respond to my e-mail news about the affair, I felt very built up emotionally and supported. I felt like I was taking control in a situation that was completely out of my control. It had been a long day. I had been up now for about 36 hours but did not feel capable of sleeping. I was now in business mode and I felt like I could write my husband direction on how I was planning to move forward.

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cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, relationships, separation

Handling the evidence

It was obvious there was an emotional and physical affair taking place between my husband and another woman. So what was I going to do with that information?

My 15-year old daughter who now had intimate details of her dad’s infidelity wanted us to go and wake him up. I knew I didn’t want her involved in any confrontation with her dad regarding the affair. She wanted to call the girlfriend. I also didn’t want her involved in doing that. I was still in shock but I was very calm, numb, but present and my mind was sharp, in think mode. I needed to plan out, as wisely as I could under these foreign circumstances, how best to proceed.

At this point, time was on our side as he would be sleeping for another 5 hours. He had to get up early to go to Vancouver in the morning. He was meeting some other coworkers downtown where he was leaving his car and was going to be flying by seaplane to the mainland to conduct some social business.

We were to fly to Florida on a family vacation starting the next weekend. My younger daughter and I were flying out on March 9 and then my husband and older daughter the Saturday after that due to the difference in the scheduling of our children’s March breaks. We were to be staying with my husband’s parents at a place they rented in Englewood. My 15-year old daughter decided we had to tell Nanny and Poppa. Due to the time difference (they were 3 hours ahead of us so it would be 3:00 a.m. for them) we decided to send a copy of the longer emails between my husband and the other woman to my in-laws and then copied my husband and the other woman. This way I knew that when my husband woke up he would check his Blackberry and know that his daughter, me and his parents were in on his little secret.

I also advised my closest friends by e-mail that my husband was having an affair. It was only when they questioned me as to whether I was sure or if it might just be a misunderstanding or suspicion did I send them a copy of the text where he was professing how beautiful, sexy and mesmerizing she was to him and that he wanted to be with her at all times, have sex with her soooo badly and that he loved her.

We did check out the other woman’s facebook. She had posted that she liked someone as of November 7, 2012. I checked the date and that was the date that my husband and I attended one of his work functions to watch the movie Skyfall. It was likely that she would have been there as well. There was a long period of time where I went and saved us seats while he went to get concessions.

We then contacted a lock smith. We had it all set up for someone to come and change the locks at 9:00 a.m. after my husband would have been gone. It was all arranged until she checked where we lived and told us that the lock smith for our area just quit the day before so there was no one able to come.

We downloaded a couple photos of women off of my husband’s phone and then I returned it back to the bathroom and plugged it in so it could continue to charge the way he had left it. Then we waited.

My daughter and I went into the bedroom in our unrented suite and lied down. I didn’t sleep. I would get up and sit at the bottom of the stairs to listen to see if he was up yet. My daughter and I snuggled, talked and we finally decided at 3:00 a.m. our time to contact my birth mom and step dad who were also in Florida on vacation. It was 6:00 a.m. their time but I needed to talk to someone. I knew I would wake them up. My daughter also felt the need to talk to someone and felt they would give us the best support and advice.

They didn’t have a lot to say. I think they were in shock, we had woke them up, they had never gone through this before, they didn’t expect this, certainly didn’t think it was in my husband’s character to do this and even though my mom had visited in November 2012 for 2 weeks she thought, apart from my husband seeming more quiet, that everything was fine. Their advice was to talk to my husband and not to do anything rash like change the locks.

So, I finally heard him up. He was up for awhile and I began to wonder if he would even come down to see us before he left. Then I heard him letting the dog out. I can still here the sound of his heavy foot steps walking back towards our bedroom. I was lying on my side with my arm around my daughter who was sleeping on her side. My back was to the bedroom door. He walked into the room and called my daughter’s name. She didn’t respond. He said her name again and added, “I’m sorry that you saw what you did. I’d like to talk to you about it when I get back on Sunday.” She quipped, “I bet you would.” Then he left. Not a word to me.

His family life as he knew it was no more; it had imploded. Instead of cancelling his social weekend of business in which there was no consequence to him not attending and staying home to talk to his daughter, talk to his wife, he made it obvious by his actions that he had already left us in his mind and now physically he was gone, too.

I got out of bed when I heard him leave and contacted a lawyer.

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