cheating, control, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, marriage breakdown, mother/daughter, other woman, passive/aggressive, separation

Disposing of my husband’s belongings

My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.

I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs.  I left the door unlocked so he could just come in.  My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived.  She did not want to see him.   She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog.  My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home.  My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave.  She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway.  He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.

My older daughter went into sheer panic.  She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time.  I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her.  She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.

Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch.  Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived.  She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me.  I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.

I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max.   I did feel emotional.  I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach.  I still couldn’t believe this was happening.  I wanted him to want to talk to me.  I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me.  I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part.  I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize.  But he didn’t.  Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.

After he was gone I went downstairs.  Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger.  He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier.  Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.

My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left.  My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things.  She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman.  I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner.  I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things.  I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something.   I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have.  Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.

We could help.  And so we did.   I felt better already doing something to take back the control.

My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings.  We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office.  He is a partner in the company where he works.  His company owns the building where he works.  Therefore I was not dumping on public property.  I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this.  She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected.  His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up.  His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.

When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed  one of his colleagues coming down the stairs.  It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend.  When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot.  My husband’s vehicle was there!  It was daylight still so we left and came back home.  We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m.  No on was there now.  We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said,  “Property of (Husband’s Name)”.  My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”.  She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings.  There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.

It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me.  We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone.  It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.

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cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”

(my name)

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cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

Sex texting and emails reveal the affair

My daughter forwarded the texts and emails she found on my husband’s Blackberry to my computer in our office downstairs. There we sat at midnight, unbeknown to my husband as he slept upstairs above us, reading and re-reading intimate conversations he was having with another woman.

There was a reference that he had at least been seeing her since December 13, 2012. They both work in the insurance industry so he made a comment that even though he received subrogation documents from her before December 13 he could feel the sexual tension when he touched them and he almost orgasmed.

Here is the chain of emails (copied verbatim) that outline their feelings for each other:

February 28, 2013 8:20 a.m.
husband to other woman: “Apparently Tina has appendicitis and is supposed to have surgery today? There’s not a lot of love or sympathy for her here at the moment.”

February 28, 2013 8:23 a.m.
response from other woman: “why is there no sympathy? Who is not sympathetic? She is a single mother with little to no help from anyone, probably without savings and just scraping by. I hope she will get paid while she is off.”

February 28, 2013 8:29 a.m.
husband: “Fuck her….I just want to have sex with you….I’m kidding about the fuck her part but not the wanting to fuck you….I’m feeling a little aggressive at the moment….Well I’m sure you can guess of the ladies and guys who would be unsympathetic. The general thought is they don’t believe her. She was moping around before I left last night so maybe it’s real. Some have asked to see her scar to prove it. If it is real that’s pretty bad on our part. We really should be at the very least sending her some flowers or something.”

February 28, 2013 8:35 a.m.
other woman: “When I was there the other night she was telling me how they thought she had a kidney infection but that her doctor thought it was appendicitis. How is she going to fake surgery? Will no one go see her in the hospital? I think I was in hospital for at least a few days and then off school for a week or so, although its a long time ago. Yes you should send her flowers. That place is really unbelievable sometimes.

February 28, 2013 8:49 a.m.
husband: “Well 3 people have come in so far and said they don’t believe her…tough crowd. I even said what if it’s real? That would be pretty shitty of us to completely ignore her. I know she can be overly dramatic at times and probably has cried wolf once or twice but holy crap let’s give her the benefit of the doubt…did you read your bbm to find out what you missed this morning?

February 28, 2013 9:04 a.m.
other woman: “Yes, I am very sorry I missed that this morning. I asked if I could take a raincheck? Will I see you later today? Can you go for a coffee after work? Love you:)”

February 28, 2013 9:11 a.m.
husband: “I’m like a groupon….you’ll have to wait for the next massage deal to pop up. Although if your roommate is away again next week I might be convinced to reoffer my deal. Yes, I would like to see you later today if we can squeeze it in. I’m not going to get to see you all weekend so I will need a little (other woman’s name) time before I go. I have to be home by 6:30 so we won’t have a ton of time unfortunately. We could probably meet again at Starbucks near your place if that works. Just let me know what time you want to meet.”

February 28, 2013 9:21 a.m.
other woman: “I think groupon is bankrupt, so probably not a good business model to copy. Starbucks on Shelbourne is good…4:45 or so? It seems like I haven’t seen you for a long time…I always miss you when I am not with you.”

February 28, 2013 9:37 a.m.
husband: “Yeah 4:45 is good. I’ll see you then….I’m missing you as well. After being together Sunday and Monday it’s hard to go back to barely seeing and touching each other. I’m going to miss you hugely on the weekend. Maybe we can get together on Sunday afternoon when I get back? I’ll have to come downtown to get my car. By the way, I’m warning you in advance that you may receive several drunken texts over the course of the weekend. I’ll probably want to talk to you as well but will try to restrain myself from calling.”

There was a reponse from the other woman that I didn’t save a copy of that mentioned that the drunk texts wouldn’t be as bad as the ones that she sent to him from Las Vegas.

There is one other BBM (Blackberry Message) that they sent to each other. My husband started:

“Hey LF….have I ever told you how incredibly beautiful and sexy you are? I’m sure I haven’t and I must apologize. You’re mesmerizing to me. I can’t get enough of you. I want to be with you at all times. I wanted to have sex with you soooooo badly tonight. I can’t wait for our next encounter. If it’s even half as good as Sunday and Monday it will be fantastic. I love you my little turtle.”

Response from other woman:

“I am very much looking forward to that also. I am missing you, wish I could go to Van with you. Soon we will go to a hockey game together there and wherever we want. Love you BF.”

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