Category Archives: infidelity

cheating, in-laws, infidelity, relationships

My Father-in-law responds to the affair of his son

My father-in-law replies on March 1, 2013 to my e-mail to him confirming his son’s infidelity. This is his response:

“Normally I reply ‘thanks for the e-mail’ however this is one that no one looks forward to receiving. Devastated is the only term I can think of just now.

Mom has just come back in from her morning walk and we have read and re-read the two e-mails and they leave us both shattered.

I see that you have copied both of them and by opening of day they will both be aware that the ‘cat is out of the bag’ so to speak. It seems that they work together and that fact will make it difficult and everyone’s stress load will be at the top end. Discovery often leads to anger and aggression compounded by the frustrations that led to this point. Anger is not a solution beyond getting if off your chest.

My advice is to take a calmer approach, this is a complex situation, that seems to have no solution beyond complete destruction to your family right now–but that is not necessarily true. It will need patience, understanding and a desire to work together to solve the ‘issues’ that allowed the situation to develop in the first place.

The immediate problems is with the two of you, but it will have a dramatic affect on the girls, and it’s often difficult at their age to really understand the failed dynamic of a busy modern family.

People will offer easy advice and shallow judgements, but what the entire family will need is family counselling (allowing that you are all agreed that you do want to clear the air and put things back on a firm footing.) I know that both of you have an underlying religious belief and that may form a basis for you to get the process started.

Anger will be your initial reaction and then a period of wondering what it was that led to this point. There are always two sides to every marital conflict. Take it from my own experience, these issues are resolvable and the family structure can be restored. The secret is total honesty and frank assessment of ‘what got us here and how do we go forward?’

But enough of ‘Poppa’s lecture’ and more to the practical. Of course all of you will have our full support as matters go forward. We will certainly look forward to seeing you for the planned vacation and hope the logistics can be worked out so that all are able to visit. We are flexible and available to talk at any time.

Your entire family are in our prayers. We love you all.

Mom and Dad”

Standard
cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, relationships, separation

Handling the evidence

It was obvious there was an emotional and physical affair taking place between my husband and another woman. So what was I going to do with that information?

My 15-year old daughter who now had intimate details of her dad’s infidelity wanted us to go and wake him up. I knew I didn’t want her involved in any confrontation with her dad regarding the affair. She wanted to call the girlfriend. I also didn’t want her involved in doing that. I was still in shock but I was very calm, numb, but present and my mind was sharp, in think mode. I needed to plan out, as wisely as I could under these foreign circumstances, how best to proceed.

At this point, time was on our side as he would be sleeping for another 5 hours. He had to get up early to go to Vancouver in the morning. He was meeting some other coworkers downtown where he was leaving his car and was going to be flying by seaplane to the mainland to conduct some social business.

We were to fly to Florida on a family vacation starting the next weekend. My younger daughter and I were flying out on March 9 and then my husband and older daughter the Saturday after that due to the difference in the scheduling of our children’s March breaks. We were to be staying with my husband’s parents at a place they rented in Englewood. My 15-year old daughter decided we had to tell Nanny and Poppa. Due to the time difference (they were 3 hours ahead of us so it would be 3:00 a.m. for them) we decided to send a copy of the longer emails between my husband and the other woman to my in-laws and then copied my husband and the other woman. This way I knew that when my husband woke up he would check his Blackberry and know that his daughter, me and his parents were in on his little secret.

I also advised my closest friends by e-mail that my husband was having an affair. It was only when they questioned me as to whether I was sure or if it might just be a misunderstanding or suspicion did I send them a copy of the text where he was professing how beautiful, sexy and mesmerizing she was to him and that he wanted to be with her at all times, have sex with her soooo badly and that he loved her.

We did check out the other woman’s facebook. She had posted that she liked someone as of November 7, 2012. I checked the date and that was the date that my husband and I attended one of his work functions to watch the movie Skyfall. It was likely that she would have been there as well. There was a long period of time where I went and saved us seats while he went to get concessions.

We then contacted a lock smith. We had it all set up for someone to come and change the locks at 9:00 a.m. after my husband would have been gone. It was all arranged until she checked where we lived and told us that the lock smith for our area just quit the day before so there was no one able to come.

We downloaded a couple photos of women off of my husband’s phone and then I returned it back to the bathroom and plugged it in so it could continue to charge the way he had left it. Then we waited.

My daughter and I went into the bedroom in our unrented suite and lied down. I didn’t sleep. I would get up and sit at the bottom of the stairs to listen to see if he was up yet. My daughter and I snuggled, talked and we finally decided at 3:00 a.m. our time to contact my birth mom and step dad who were also in Florida on vacation. It was 6:00 a.m. their time but I needed to talk to someone. I knew I would wake them up. My daughter also felt the need to talk to someone and felt they would give us the best support and advice.

They didn’t have a lot to say. I think they were in shock, we had woke them up, they had never gone through this before, they didn’t expect this, certainly didn’t think it was in my husband’s character to do this and even though my mom had visited in November 2012 for 2 weeks she thought, apart from my husband seeming more quiet, that everything was fine. Their advice was to talk to my husband and not to do anything rash like change the locks.

So, I finally heard him up. He was up for awhile and I began to wonder if he would even come down to see us before he left. Then I heard him letting the dog out. I can still here the sound of his heavy foot steps walking back towards our bedroom. I was lying on my side with my arm around my daughter who was sleeping on her side. My back was to the bedroom door. He walked into the room and called my daughter’s name. She didn’t respond. He said her name again and added, “I’m sorry that you saw what you did. I’d like to talk to you about it when I get back on Sunday.” She quipped, “I bet you would.” Then he left. Not a word to me.

His family life as he knew it was no more; it had imploded. Instead of cancelling his social weekend of business in which there was no consequence to him not attending and staying home to talk to his daughter, talk to his wife, he made it obvious by his actions that he had already left us in his mind and now physically he was gone, too.

I got out of bed when I heard him leave and contacted a lawyer.

Standard
cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

Sex texting and emails reveal the affair

My daughter forwarded the texts and emails she found on my husband’s Blackberry to my computer in our office downstairs. There we sat at midnight, unbeknown to my husband as he slept upstairs above us, reading and re-reading intimate conversations he was having with another woman.

There was a reference that he had at least been seeing her since December 13, 2012. They both work in the insurance industry so he made a comment that even though he received subrogation documents from her before December 13 he could feel the sexual tension when he touched them and he almost orgasmed.

Here is the chain of emails (copied verbatim) that outline their feelings for each other:

February 28, 2013 8:20 a.m.
husband to other woman: “Apparently Tina has appendicitis and is supposed to have surgery today? There’s not a lot of love or sympathy for her here at the moment.”

February 28, 2013 8:23 a.m.
response from other woman: “why is there no sympathy? Who is not sympathetic? She is a single mother with little to no help from anyone, probably without savings and just scraping by. I hope she will get paid while she is off.”

February 28, 2013 8:29 a.m.
husband: “Fuck her….I just want to have sex with you….I’m kidding about the fuck her part but not the wanting to fuck you….I’m feeling a little aggressive at the moment….Well I’m sure you can guess of the ladies and guys who would be unsympathetic. The general thought is they don’t believe her. She was moping around before I left last night so maybe it’s real. Some have asked to see her scar to prove it. If it is real that’s pretty bad on our part. We really should be at the very least sending her some flowers or something.”

February 28, 2013 8:35 a.m.
other woman: “When I was there the other night she was telling me how they thought she had a kidney infection but that her doctor thought it was appendicitis. How is she going to fake surgery? Will no one go see her in the hospital? I think I was in hospital for at least a few days and then off school for a week or so, although its a long time ago. Yes you should send her flowers. That place is really unbelievable sometimes.

February 28, 2013 8:49 a.m.
husband: “Well 3 people have come in so far and said they don’t believe her…tough crowd. I even said what if it’s real? That would be pretty shitty of us to completely ignore her. I know she can be overly dramatic at times and probably has cried wolf once or twice but holy crap let’s give her the benefit of the doubt…did you read your bbm to find out what you missed this morning?

February 28, 2013 9:04 a.m.
other woman: “Yes, I am very sorry I missed that this morning. I asked if I could take a raincheck? Will I see you later today? Can you go for a coffee after work? Love you:)”

February 28, 2013 9:11 a.m.
husband: “I’m like a groupon….you’ll have to wait for the next massage deal to pop up. Although if your roommate is away again next week I might be convinced to reoffer my deal. Yes, I would like to see you later today if we can squeeze it in. I’m not going to get to see you all weekend so I will need a little (other woman’s name) time before I go. I have to be home by 6:30 so we won’t have a ton of time unfortunately. We could probably meet again at Starbucks near your place if that works. Just let me know what time you want to meet.”

February 28, 2013 9:21 a.m.
other woman: “I think groupon is bankrupt, so probably not a good business model to copy. Starbucks on Shelbourne is good…4:45 or so? It seems like I haven’t seen you for a long time…I always miss you when I am not with you.”

February 28, 2013 9:37 a.m.
husband: “Yeah 4:45 is good. I’ll see you then….I’m missing you as well. After being together Sunday and Monday it’s hard to go back to barely seeing and touching each other. I’m going to miss you hugely on the weekend. Maybe we can get together on Sunday afternoon when I get back? I’ll have to come downtown to get my car. By the way, I’m warning you in advance that you may receive several drunken texts over the course of the weekend. I’ll probably want to talk to you as well but will try to restrain myself from calling.”

There was a reponse from the other woman that I didn’t save a copy of that mentioned that the drunk texts wouldn’t be as bad as the ones that she sent to him from Las Vegas.

There is one other BBM (Blackberry Message) that they sent to each other. My husband started:

“Hey LF….have I ever told you how incredibly beautiful and sexy you are? I’m sure I haven’t and I must apologize. You’re mesmerizing to me. I can’t get enough of you. I want to be with you at all times. I wanted to have sex with you soooooo badly tonight. I can’t wait for our next encounter. If it’s even half as good as Sunday and Monday it will be fantastic. I love you my little turtle.”

Response from other woman:

“I am very much looking forward to that also. I am missing you, wish I could go to Van with you. Soon we will go to a hockey game together there and wherever we want. Love you BF.”

Standard
cheating, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

Discovery of the affair

It was Thursday, February 28, 2013. My husband went to bed before 10:00 p.m. We used to watch the news together but he said he had to get up early as he was leaving for Vancouver in the morning for a weekend of business that involved going to Vancouver with a couple of other male coworkers to take out clients to lunches, dinners and a Vancouver Canucks game on Saturday night.

I had been spending the week already sleeping downstairs in our unrented suite due to tension in our marriage during the week. I asked him if he was going to say goodbye to me since I wouldn’t see him in the morning. My 15-year old daughter was in the room and he kind of grunted and looked disgusted as I got up to give him a hug. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said begrudgingly, “You can hug me if you want to.”

That was when I felt that something was more wrong than just a bump in our marriage. I went downstairs but couldn’t sleep. Never in the 23 years that we had been dating, co-habitating and married had I ever snooped in pockets, wallets, drawers, mail, e-mail, pages, phone messages, etc. but something told me to check out his Blackberry.

It was 11:30 p.m. He was already asleep. I crept into our bedroom and went to take his Blackberry off his dresser but it wasn’t in its usual spot. He always charges it in the kitchen so I checked the counter and it wasn’t there either. I decided to just go back downstairs. On my way down I noticed the light on in my 15-year old daughter’s room. She always falls asleep with the light on so I opened her door to turn it off. She was still awake. She said she couldn’t sleep and for me to leave her light on. We talked for a minute and then I left her room and shut her door. I thought further about the oddity of my husband’s missing phone. I snuck quietly back into our bedroom and went into our bathroom. In the dark, I saw the black cord across our white sink. He was charging it in our bathroom. He’s never done that before. I took the phone and when I unplugged it the screen lit up. In a panic, I quickly covered it and ran quietly out into our kitchen. I don’t own a Blackberry and I’m not very technologically-minded. I didn’t know what I was doing. I pushed some buttons to try to look at photos and texts but I couldn’t get anything to open. Next thing I know, it appeared that I sent a blank text to one of his coworkers. I tried to click on a button again and it looked like I sent a second blank text to the same coworker. Now I was afraid my husband would know I was on his phone. My 15-year old has a Blackberry. I opened her door and she was still awake. I apologized to her and said that mommy was on daddy’s phone and that I thought I sent a text by mistake. Could she just look to see if I did that and if I did is there a way that it can be deleted. She told me to give her the phone and next thing you know she was swearing and cursing her father. I was shocked. I was reprimanding her for her language and then she said that dad is having an affair. What? Further shock. She was going through his phone and I was physically shaking. I didn’t really expect to find anything and I certainly wasn’t prepared to find anything. I felt sick to my stomach. She took over and went into parent mode. She showed me some of the content on his phone and said that she was going to send it to my e-mail and to her computer so there was a record and he couldn’t erase it. We went downstairs together and started to comb through the evidence.

Standard