Hiding her face and she should in shame!
Sex-texting my husband and sending this photo from Las Vegas, February 2013
Janice Andrews pursued my husband while they worked together in the Coast Claims office and handled claims together for the Municipality of Saanich. They handled more than claims together. She knew he was married and even though I was at the company Christmas party she hung all over my husband the entire night.
She cheated on her 12-year common-law husband with my husband of 22 years.
Homewrecker, Janice Andrews. My husband bought her a Pandora charm for Valentine’s Day 2013 before I found out about the affair. He used our joint bank account to make the purchase. It was $55. When I inquired why there was another charge for $30 he actually told me that she already had that charm. She told him what charm she really wanted so he exchanged it and paid the additional cost.
Sharing her photo after yet another expensive dinner with my husband at Il Terrazzo. Does she know my husband isn’t paying child support or spousal support?
scornedwifeblog 
Oh to be as brave as you!!!
Your blog was one of the very first that I found when I started my own, and I’ve read every post. I could empathise with your situation as my father had an affair and it destroyed me and my family, and ten years later we still aren’t what we once were. The circumstances surrounding his behaviour since he left mirrored that of yours, I haven’t spoken to my father since.
Your posts have always been open and honest and I’m thinking that they must have been cathartic to write. However, as you have shared with me, I need to share something with you in return.
Carrying that level of hatred towards someone (ie. my father and his new wife) nearly killed me. I’ve never met the woman that he ran off with and subsequently married but I hated her with such a passion that I used to fantasise about ways I could embarrass and hurt her. I started to blame her for all the bad things that had happened to our family, and developed depression because I felt that she had got away with hurting the people I love without any form of retribution.
However, it wasn’t her that cheated on us. HE did. HE chose to have the affair. HE was the one that lied to us all. HE was the one that left. And if the affair hasn’t happened with her, it would have happened with someone else.
You are allowed to be angry and this woman played her own part. However, putting her name, pictures and area that she lives could get you into trouble if she finds out and reports you, and then she will have won… Again. She didn’t cheat on you, your ex-husband did.
My mother, while she is my best friend, is quite a bitter woman who lost all faith and trust in men and she lives alone. I know you have children, and I don’t know if you realise this but your anger and bitterness will have a profound effect on them, even if you can’t see that yet. My mother openly talked to me about everything that she was feeling and told me stories about every bad thing he had ever done, which not only changed my view of certain events of my childhood but it made me become even more angry in her defence.
While it isn’t meant to be rude in any way, you need to start to move on. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been wronged a hundred times over, but if you don’t seek some assistance in being able to come to terms with what has happened it will eat you up until there is nothing left. Seek decent counselling, continue writing on the blog, go out with friends, start a new hobby, enjoy your life. The best way to get back at your ex is to be happy. Karma will do everything else for you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share.
Surprisingly, I don’t have any hatred for Janice or my husband. My husband’s heart, soul and lack of love for me and his girls was revealed and made obvious. I decided immediately I would not settle and I have no regrets for moving forward to end our marriage officially as his actions ended it on every other level. I know I would rather be in my life situation as it is now than continue to be bound to someone who was and continues to treat me and his girls so poorly. It was actually Janice and my husband who showed hatred and complete disregard for me and my girls by their actions.
I completely agree that he would have had an affair with anyone who responded and maybe he has previously but what if women just said, “No! This is not okay. I will not enter into a relationship with anyone who is married.”?
I would not identify my husband because of our children. It is their last name, too. He is their father. Janice does not have children. I have no obligation to her in anyway. I did not invite her into my life. She entered it on her own free-will. Janice posts comments on my husband’s Facebook page and on pages where we have “mutual friends” but I have never made any negative comments about her or her posts. My husband and I are still “friends” on Facebook for the time being. I suspect I will eventually delete him but our family members are on both of our pages as well as both of our children. I have never done or said anything embarrassing, shaming, awkward or made any comments about him not paying spousal or child support or comments about our divorce proceedings.
I am dating the most kind and gentle man. He is exactly what I need at this point in my life. My younger daughter talks about him all the time. We walk, run and cycle together and I am trying to get him to join me at yoga. We don’t have much money but try to do simple things that just make us feel like we are on vacation when we are together.
I just spent the entire weekend running a scrapbook workshop that I used to host 3 times/year but have now bumped up to 4 times/year.
I have had a very helpful amount of counseling with someone who saw me alone and then another lady who specialized in family counseling and saw me and both of my girls. I have a large circle of friends and inside that circle another more intimate circle who can either relate to my situation from their personal experience and/or who love me enough to provide the type of comments that you made above. They tell me the truth as they see it and help me with my thinking.
I found a wonderful counselor for my older daughter who has her own personal struggles. This lady specializes and has personal experience with what my daughter was/is going through. My older daughter wouldn’t go and see this lady but she offered sessions to me and I was able to use her advice to help my older daughter as best I could. It was nice to get the help, advice, support and assurance in my parenting.
My younger daughter has had a lot of stomach issues since our separation so I am having her treated as well. She, too, had some counseling but didn’t want to go anymore. Her best friend is in the same situation as her so my younger daughter shares with me all the time things they discuss together. I get to let her know that she has every right to feel what she feels when she shows me her reactions and disgust at what her friend is going through and exposed to with her dad.
I don’t talk negatively about my ex to our children. Although sometimes we’ll make the occasional joke about it and find healing in our laughter about him and our situation. They see for themselves how he treats me and how he treats them. I don’t have to point out to them his selfishness but I don’t make excuses for their dad’s behavior either. They are not a priority in his life. I used to fight my ex to get him to see the kids and try to at least get an “every other weekend arrangement” out of him. He canceled all the time with lots of different excuses. The canceling was harder on me and my children and made me so angry for the additional hurt he was causing them and for the plans that I was looking forward to that I now had to cancel. I gave up that battle. I let him contact the kids when he wants to see them. It makes me sad that for the most part now they are the ones making excuses to not see their dad. My focus is on showing them how much I value them in my life and how much I love to spend time with them. I still make time for me and when my kids plan sleep overs at their friends’ place I call my friends and make sure I am getting out for some fun, too.
I also believe in karma. I think it is inevitable that you bring upon yourself results–good or bad. There is nothing in karma to say though that I can’t be the one driving the Karma bus! If something comes of my post–good or bad, I will let you know.
Thanks so much for your reply – I really appreciate your points and I know what you and your children are going through as my father let me and my sisters down repeatedly before I stopped contact with him. However, I know from your previous posts that your eldest child was instrumental in the discovery of the affair, and I don’t believe for a second that you haven’t bad mouthed him at any point based upon the things that you have written throughout your blog about conversations that you have had with them. He clearly has no idea what effect he is going to have on his children by his behaviour, and at some point he is going to either lose them completely or have to face up to his actions and make some serious apologies. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that you don’t have a right to publish this woman’s pictures and details on a website and are leaving yourself open to prosecution. I totally agree with the way you feel – she’s a scumbag, she has no morals and there were times where I would have taken out billboards with my father’s wife’s ugly face plastered all over it, but it still wouldn’t have changed the situation. The way to get back at her, and your ex, is to hold your head up high, carry yourself with dignity and class, move on and be happy. Posting stuff like this makes it look like you are a bitter, angry person, and from everything I’ve read about you in your blog you seem really nice.
Well done for posting and shaming the home-wrecking whore! That gutless human being deserves no less. SWxo
What has triggered you to publish her photograph?
The website Homewreckers.com received a lot of recent attention in the news. It is site where people post stories and photos of the person who cheated with their spouse. Would it make you think twice about being involved in an affair if there was a chance you could be exposed? Maybe the chance of being caught is all part of the excitement of being in an affair but what if there was a permanent record as a reminder? Would you do it again? Would it give you a little more integrity to just say “No” I am not going to be a part of something that destroys, ruins, hurts, damages, etc.? Would you at least think of the other parties involved before entering into such selfish behavior? Janice was bold enough to step out in public with my husband while we were still married, while we were still sleeping together and well before I knew about the affair. She was bold enough to hang all over my husband at a party that my spouse and I attended together. She engaged in public affection with him, had intimate dinners with him, accepted gifts from him, and had him back to her place for sex while her husband was away on business. I didn’t know any of these things while they were happening but Janice knew. She made deliberate decisions and silently declared war on me and my girls.
I agree with Suzie, I’ve been in a similar situation as her, 18 years down the line. The best thing for you is to let go and move on. It’s impossible to rectify what’s happened, no amount of bitterness, anger or resentment will change anything for the positive.
Get the best divorce settlement from your ex for you and your family. Do the things you couldn’t do before, provide a loving home for your children, they have their whole lives ahead of them. Don’t do anything that may jeopardize that.
You have to think to yourself whats the best outcome for you and your family given what’s happened, and do whats necessary to achieve it. You have think like a strategist and let go of the emotional baggage because it does hold you and your family down.
Your ex husband and the other aren’t worth all this anguish. He has lost a lot and he probably really regrets it. he may not show it, but he does. Dont get dragged down to their level.
So you have to make a conscience decision on what path you what to take, the one of continued depression and no closure or literally walking away and starting a whole new life. This decision will determine the rest of your life and your family’s.
Write down your decision for your new life and a step by step plan on how to achieve it. And if it helps write down all your anguish hatred resentment and burn it, knowing that its in the past and will not be mentioned ever again.
I’m on your side, but you’re not.
Thank you for your comments, K.
Our divorce trial starts next week, November 3 – November 7, 2014. I believe that when that is complete I can truly move on.
Any bitterness that I have relates to the financial situation I have been placed in because of my husband’s poor decisions. That is the only thing keeping me stuck. Once a judgement has been issued, I will know what direction I need to take.
With my husband’s urging, I accepted a lump sum insurance settlement in November 2013 and paid off all our debt. I had no idea my husband was having an affair and that he didn’t have best intentions for my financial future.
I receive a small disability pension and my husband receives an income of about 12x the amount of my income. He does not pay spousal support, child support or special expenses relating to my daughters’ activities, medical expenses and schooling. I pay the premiums to keep our life and home insurance in place. We also have a dog and 2 cats so I have been left paying for food, cat litter, vet bills and care if we have to go away. He does pay the mortgage on our home to ensure his asset is protected but none of the home maintenance. We have had to defer property tax payments.
When he left he stayed in a $1500/month furnished apartment for 3 months then got a place paying $1200/month. He contacted our tenants at our home in Ontario telling them we had to sell our property. They left and it sat empty for a year before finally selling. We lost $1800/month in rental income and had to incur renovation bills and high insurance costs.
To prepare for trial, we have had to exchange all our financial documents. My husband’s restaurant expenses are averaging $1200/month (as high as $1533.16/month); liquor store expenses, $200/month (as high as $304.37/month); bank machine cash withdrawals average $600/month; travel and entertainment around $400/month; he has his regular every 4 week haircut of $42.70. He still has his grocery expenses, home/gift; clothes, and car expenses as well.
We moved across Canada for my husband’s job opportunity. The only reason we were able to buy a house here is because my mom left me an inheritance. That went to put a deposit on our home. Now I am faced with losing that, too.
I am in huge debt. My husband and his girlfriend are enjoying dining and partying on money that is legally my husband’s responsibility to be providing to me and our children. I am at risk for losing everything that I have worked so hard for all my life and losing what my parents worked so hard to save to leave for me when they were gone. I am currently trying to sell things to come up with the $20,000 retainer I have to pay before trial next week.
I am on my side. I am the only one who is actually in the trenches every day trying to figure out how I am going to pay bills and fighting to make sure that I do my children a service by ensuring their dad takes financial responsibility for them.
You’re blog is a blessing for me. I feel less horrible knowing there are others that feel what I feel and that it’s ok. Been reading a great ebook by Greg Smith calledHow to Successfully Recover from Having Been Cheated On (his site is http://www.been-cheated-on.com/ in case it sounds like something anyone could use). Anyway he get’s into the deep emotional stuff that goes on when you are trying to learn to live again. At least I can get out of bed everyday, that was a big step for me! Thanks for being human and reminding me I can get through this.
Hi Brandie,
So glad to hear you are starting to gain your life back again. It is a slow process but I sometimes think the longer we take the more full and complete recovery will be. It sounds like you are being kind to yourself. I am glad that you are able to acknowledge that getting out of bed is a big step instead of beating yourself up for the days you took refuge there. I can still have those days as there is so much to deal with on so many levels that sometimes it can be just way too overwhelming. I will definitely check out the book and the website you recommend. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I wish you all the very best.
This needs to be removed. Even your supporters are telling you this has gone too far. No matter what you feel your justifcation is, THIS will land you in a sea of self inflicted harm to not just you, but your children. This IS NOT the face of grace…
Turn this around and remove this, hold your head high. It is them that needs to look in the mirror every day and accept who/what they are and what they did.
You serving as a reminder will land you in SERIOUS legal problems.
This has gone on tooo long. Stop. This. Now…
I can honestly say, when it happened to me, I never even though twice about the other woman. She could have been anyone, she was meaningless to me. For me, ti was all on my husbands shoulders. It was he who made the vow to me, not her. We remained married (we had just been separated for ‘regular” kinds of marital issues, and both my kids had thought it was my fault after he manipulated them into thinking this way, After he came back I had found out he was involved at least in some way, never quite sure how far they got, with another woman. I was livid because we never had to get back together if this was what he wanted to do, and now, he trapped me, I was cornered because I could never mess with my girls that way RIGHT after bringing him back into the home. I had every opportunity to capitalize on this being HIS fault and finally ending the whole unhappy marriage, but I would not, and could not use my kids to benefit myself.
I think what you did in the first place by allowing your daughter to ‘help’ you get into his phone when you knew in the first place exactly what you were looking for. If you believe it was done so ‘innocently’ you are lying to yourself. You seemed to have wanted your child to be in on the discover and to know and hate him as much as you do. Your younger child should never in a million years be told ‘Daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy anymore” let alone allow your older daughter to drag her young sister into the mess you didn’t bother protecting your older child from! How ever despicable your husband was to cheat and lie to you, and hurt you, what you have done and continue to do is just as despicable. People are flawed and make mistakes that’s what called being HUMAN is. And believe it or not, doing harm directly and completely to your child by not protecting them from your husbands stupid and selfish choices regarding getting involved in a relationship BEFORE divorcing you, is not any less of an offense.
I know you are hurting, and you have a right to. And you are angry, and have a right to your feelings. But going about things the way you seem to be, is reflecting poorly on your own character. What kind of example is that to show your children. Handling this with grace and calm in spite of the wrath you feel would have shown how a truly strong good person handles them self even in the worst of times. By you pouring gasoline on the flames of your children’s anger (yes, you can kid yourself and say you don’t do that because you may not “DIRECTLY” say, Daddy’s a pig, be afraid of him” but all your actions are screaming that to them. The truth is, if he was a decent father before, and I am guessing by the way your daughter said she use to look so forward to seeing him and eating dinner with him before all this happened, it would seem that there is still something to be salvaged there. NO matter what he did to you in your marriage (you can continue to say he cheated not he kids, but the truth is, he cheated on YOU… the kids are collateral damage, that could have been kept to a minim if you hadn’t gone rouge and dragged them in, then your daughter could have possibly gotten through the whole mess thinking Dad and mom just couldn’t work out their problems,” until they were older and could emotionally and mentally handle the information. Once the damage was done by your husbands infidelity, it was YOUR job as their mother and protector to do what ever it took to keep them safe and shielded from the ugliness that was to be your heartbreak.. To me, it’s a form of child abuse, handling this how you have. It makes me so sad for your kids. It does absolutely NO good to anyone kids not to have a good relationship with BOTH parents. If your husband is as big of a shit as you say he is, they would have figured that out all on their own, with no help from mom. Now, you have insured they will not grow up with one good feeling about their dad. It won’t be until later in life, as adults they will see there may have been two sides to the story, and they will be turning on you for having bad mouthed him and made them feel fearful of someone who I believe does actually really love his kids, he just hated being married to you more. I am sorry if that sound harsh, and I realize this will probably illicit your wrath on me for saying it, but I guess when it comes to kids, I get fired up.
I hope you eventually become rational, and are able to let it go. Because right now, you are a bitter scorned and angry woman who is teaching her daughters to be the same. How sad.
Hi Trish,
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I agree that my vow was with my husband and not the other woman, however even my husband was quick to cast blame on her saying to me, “It takes 2 to tango.” She knew he was married with 2 children. She knew who I was. He posted pictures on his Facebook of our family enjoying his birthday together when the day before he spent his actual birthday with her. He was living a double life and Janice knew that and she was doing the exact same thing with her husband. If he had have been honest about the entire situation there may have been a completely different outcome.
Unlike you, we were not separated for any reason. We were living together as husband and wife and we were still intimate. I don’t believe that he did hate being married to me. Do you think that is the only reason people have affairs? You wouldn’t stay with your husband if you thought that would you? I had no clue he was involved with another woman. Unlike you, I do know how far they took it and if he didn’t want to continue to be married to me he should have left before entering into a sexual and emotional relationship with another woman deceiving me and our children in the process and using family money to fund his affair.
I am sad you feel “trapped” in your marriage. I am sad that you feel “cornered”. I am sad that you are blaming your girls for staying in your marriage after learning of your husband’s deceit. You are not more righteous by staying in your marriage just because you allowed your husband back into the home under false pretenses and don’t want to rock your children’s world again by asking him to leave. You aren’t doing your girls any favours if that is truly your reasoning. It may just be that it was harder for you to live without him than it is to live with whatever trust issues have to exist now. Maybe you didn’t ask him to leave because it might be harder for you to live with your girls’ negative feelings against you because of their lack of understanding. You say your husband “manipulated” their thinking so you must have felt unjustly accused of it being your fault for the separation. Dr. Phil says it is better for your kids to be from a broken home than to live in one. By the sounds of it, you aren’t any happier in your marriage and I wonder what effect that might have on your girls. No judgement. We just all have different reasons for taking the path we follow.
I asked my daughter to help me with the phone because I sent 2 blank messages to one of my husband’s coworkers by mistake. That made me panic because I knew he would know I was looking at his phone. I asked for my daughter’s help to see if I could fix that, not to look for anything. That is the truth. I was shocked when she announced to me he was having an affair. I found out afterwards that she and her boyfriend had searched her dad’s phone looking for evidence as she suspected an affair but she didn’t find anything. I never wanted my daughter to be involved in finding anything. I am not lying to you or myself when I say I had no idea how to operate the phone. I was embarrassed going to my daughter to even show her I had her dad’s phone. I honestly did not expect to find anything. I never in a million years thought my husband would have an affair. I 100% never wanted her to discover what I did. How could I possibly have known what I would find? You have no idea how hard I have worked to ensure she didn’t hate her dad. As a matter of fact, she has been living with her dad for the past 4 months.
Your anger towards me seems misplaced. Maybe you should write a book on what to do the hours and days following finding out your husband of 23-years has been having an affair and you are walking around shell-shocked, like you’ve just been hit by a train and your entire world is turned upside down never to be the same again. You say we are human, people are flawed and make mistakes and yet you seem to be holding me to a higher standard.
The truth of what happened is the truth. My closest friends were here right away to be here for me and for my older daughter and to keep my younger one out of the situation for a couple of days and I took all the advice I could get. These are wise, caring, supportive women who were invaluable to me during this time. Two of them had gone through similar experiences so I had the benefit of their wisdom of what to do and what not to do.
I am not protecting my children by lying to them. I certainly didn’t divulge details of anything they didn’t need to know and I have tried to do that going forward. I tried to shield my children from the situation by doing whatever I could to keep my older daughter in private school when my husband refused to pay and to keep my younger daughter in dance when her dad refused to pay. I tried to keep my children’s lives as normal as possible. This burden rested solely with me. It would have been a huge lie for my kids to think daddy left because he and mommy couldn’t work things out. Remember my children aren’t toddlers and my daughter commented in her letter of me going to him when I couldn’t figure out why he was acting cold and distant to plead with him to come to marriage counseling.
My husband was a good dad to his kids however he has had an unraveling and his children are simply not a priority in his life. His social life is the priority and he is drinking much more than he ever did. My younger daughter definitely doesn’t want to be around him after he has been drinking.
It broke my heart every time he bailed on my kids. I did everything to try to ensure they would have a good relationship with their dad. I agree 100% they need both their mom and dad to love them and to have 2 parents they can go to for anything. The kids didn’t want to go and be with their dad because they felt very strongly he didn’t want to be with them and that is the sad truth. He would cancel all the time and my kids’ mentality got to be, “Why should we go and see dad only when it is convenient for him.” Only now, 20 months after our separation, has he finally agreed to family counseling. He has never had any counseling except for 2 sessions with a child specialist during our attempt at the Collaborative process. I am encouraged by this step but our kids have taken a huge hit in the meantime by his lack of interest in their lives and in their relationship with him and they have no interest in participating. I hope this will change as they see changes in their parents.
I have had counseling regularly throughout the last 20 months. One thing I learned is that as much as I want the kids and their dad to have a great relationship I cannot control the choices he makes and I cannot control how my kids’ respond to his choices with their own choices. It is painful to watch. I am peacemaker by nature and I don’t like conflict. It is their relationship to figure out though. Despite what you think about me from the few posts you have read, I spend my days worrying and trying to protect my children from the effects of their dad’s decisions. Even legally we have it that it is the kids’ choice to see their dad because scheduling every other weekend didn’t work for their dad. He would bail and it would cause so much stress for me, sadness for my kids that I just have to be prepared to have my children 24/7 for my kids’ sake. If my children have any fear of their dad, it is his doing, not mine.
I am a scrapbooker so prior to our separation my kids have books of photos and stories sharing about how much they are loved and evidence of a great childhood. However as I read in the July 9 excerpt of The Happiness Project, “In a relationship, it’s less important to have many pleasant experiences than to have fewer unpleasant experiences; the “negativity bias means that our reactions to bad events are faster, stronger, and stickier than our reactions to good events.”
I hope you don’t feel any wrath towards you as I have none. You have made a lot of generalizations that are completely unfounded. I just think that it is interesting you seem to side so much with my ex under the guise of being an advocate for my children.
Thank you for that very thorough and well written reply. First let me apologize, I did read it back just now and it does sound like misplaced anger. My bad. I was riled up because I worry about the kids.
Let me bring you up to date, as I didn’t fully explain my position within my own marriage. My husband, while separated, was extremely neglective (actually that is just his M.O). When the kids were with him (at the time they were 9 and 11) he would not watch them, feed them, parent them. It was a very strenuous time, knowing every time they left my home to his, it was a crap shoot on what could happen. It was after my 9 year old told me about his friend “Bob” being over until all hours and playing cards and ‘tickle games” with her while daddy slept on the couch. I finally realized, I didn’t care how I would live for the next years until the kids were older, I was going to try to work things out the best I could. In the time of the separation, we began going to counseling and I felt good enough about it, that we could make things work. Not perfect, but ‘good enough” It was about 8 months after he moved back in, I had been sitting next to his phone when I text came in and I realized after that, something had gone on. So, yes. It was because of the kids I stayed in the marriage for the next 7 years. And, you are absolutely correct, I do not believe it was better for them emotionally for two parents who were not happy together to remain married. However, given my option (allowing them again to be under his ‘care”) I was willing to do the best I could, with what I had. Ironically, as they grew, they saw and experienced the same exact behaviors that pushed me away, and it also pushed them away. It was this last summer, with my oldest going off to college, and my youngest (now 16) facing the reality of being left in a home alone with two parents who did not get along. They called a meeting with our family therapist, and told us how they felt about us staying together. That was all I needed to hear. When he moved back in the home 7 years ago, my oldest, then 12 was pissed. She said she didn’t want us to get back together, because she knew it would just happen again. I made a big mistake by reassuring her it would not, and we really had been working on the relationship and I truly felt we could make it work. I felt like I made a promise, though I never said the words. 8 months later, when I found out about him and another woman, I did feel completely cornered for these reasons.
He is out of the house now, and both girls barely speak to him at all. I do not bad mouth him until this day, but like you, I no longer make excuses for his behavior either. I do however, have strong feelings about keeping the ‘dirt’ of the marriage out of the kids sight. There is a time for pure “honesty” but even as teens, I believe there is just so much information that should be shared.
I understand how it must sound like I hold you to a different level of expectation than your husband (being human). I guess it’s my feeling that we, as mothers, do have to have a higher level of standards to our babies.
I do feel your pain, in your writing and thank you for sharing your story. It’s important that we all talk about this subject. from all different angles.
I’m also glad you have a good support system. I wish you to find peace, and happiness as you continue your journey. Please keep protecting those beautiful daughters of yours.
T.
Hi Trish,
Thank you for your reply.
I am so sad to hear of the scary predicament your children were in when left with their dad. I understand why you did what you did to keep your children safe.
Very mature of your children to be able to arrange a meeting themselves with the family therapist. Very glad you were able to find someone your children obviously respected, trusted and clearly they felt heard by you and the counselor. I wish I had that in place right now and that everyone wanted and would participate.
The kids are the ones who suffer the most I think regardless of how well we think we handle the situation. There is a book that I want to get written by Ana Nogales called Parents Who Cheat. It explains how children and adults are affected when their parents are unfaithful. I am surprised by how many people I meet my age who are still suffering the effects of their parents divorce and how their relationships are strained still with at least one of the parents. It also affects their marriages.
Some days I feel great; very strong, happy, confident, free, joyful, excited for new possibilities and just able to consider what I want out of life. Then there are days that can last into weeks depending on my current struggle where I feel like it is one step forward and 2 steps back. Those are the days I usually write something so of course it looks like 2 years after his affair started I am wallowing, bitter and not able to move forward. It doesn’t help that I have to deal with the obstacles he throws at me, his failure to comply with our mediation agreement, having to put the house up for sale, financial devastation and the verbal abuse he loves to spew. He can amp me up leaving me angry and feeling insecure and very unsure and afraid for my situation and how it will affect the girls.
In the meantime, talking about things, listening to people like you who have been in the battle and have come out the other side and have advice to share about what worked and what didn’t work gives me lots to think about. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and I wish you every good thing in life for you and your children.
Robyn
Hi Again Robyn,
I hope this finds you well. I was thinking about one main point you made about how much a cheating spouse affects the long term emotional well being of a child. I agree with you on this, there is too much information out there proving the ill effects. I guess this only high-lights my feeling that even if it meant ‘unfairly’ protecting the cheating spouse, it should be done at all costs. Not to keep things nice and easy for him(or her) but to simply protect the over all well being of our kids. If this means totally softening up the reasons for the split, “we cannot work out or problems, we’ve grown apart etc…” Or choking down the side comments and pot shots that could very easily be warranted by their behaviors, then so be it. If it saves them years of heartache and anguish and keeps them from the effects of having to try and make sense of the cheating parent, then it seems like it’s the least we can do for them.
Remember the movie “Life is Beautiful”? This father and son get captured and brought to a Nazi war camp. The father pretends that it is all a big game, and some how manages to get this boy through the whole horrific experience without the fear and horror of what was really going on. I guess I look at divorce in the same way. It’s our obligation to our innocent children, that at all costs we protect them from the hurt and mess we make in our own adult lives. I know some people would have the argument that it’s “lying’ to them, but I guess I’ve weighed out both sides and protecting them seems more important. Truth can eventually be completely revealed when they are older and able to truly understands all sides.
That is my opinion only, I know others have arguments to this view.
As you move forward, I hope you will truly heal, and somehow find it in your heart to forgive and move on. Not for the sake of your ex, but for the sake of yourself and your girls. As important as it is to teach/show your girls to be loyal (not cheat) there are other very important character traits to be taught/learned. To be a person who can forgive and not hold bitterness, is another huge lesson here for them. We can’t always control what is done to us, but we can control how we handle and deal with it. To show maturity, grace and forgiveness is one of the biggest gifts you can give to your kids throughout this tsunami. You are a strong woman, though you may not feel it sometime. I have confidence, you will pull through this stronger and better than ever.
Blessings to you and your kids.
Thank you for your advice and kindness towards me and my children. All the best to you for 2015.
What a ridiculous human being you are, both you and your husband, and all the comments on here that support you from complete strangers who cant see further than the end of their noses,,
I suggest you end this blog before you make a bigger fool of yourself, grow up, move on, get a life, your so going to regret this later on, i hope your children never see it…..
It is interesting that you don’t have a comment to make about Janice.
All names have been removed to protect the identity of my children. I have no problem revealing my identity and I don’t hide behind what I write but again I don’t put my name or my husband’s name because of my children. I didn’t even have to post your comment. Do you know me or my husband or Janice because your comments seem very personal.
It is interesting that you edited my blog to remove you and your husbands name but feel you have the right to use Janice’s name, you say you have no hatred for Janice but your actions say the opposite.
The blame lies clearly on your husbands shoulders, and the lies he told to both of you,
Chris this whole blog is lies. It’s ridiculous that people can read this and believe any of it is true. Robyn has serious psychological issues. Her ex and her children are victims of hers, not the other way around.
Clearly you are still very upset over this. I hope for you that things get better soon,
Chris welcome to the party! Glad you could join us in the roasting of Robyn Graham Cherrie of Victoria, BC!
Hmmmm. Shes not what I expected. I guess I imagined someone sexier, more alluring. She looks like a regular soccer mom except maybe a bit older. A grandmother. Shes a bit plump and…why is her nose so red?When you saw her were you relieved that she wasnt this hot chick…or did you wonder WHY?!
I remember seeing her talking to my husband non stop at their Christmas Party. Had no idea they had already been together but there was nothing about her that made me think I had anything to be concerned about. She was heavier then too. Whenever I have seen her since she always seems frumpy. I don’t understand the attraction. From what I have since learned from people who know her and who have met her the comments are that she is not very bright, seems very insecure and clings to my ex at social events, has a doll collection and all of her dolls are named, names her Christmas decorations and that one minute she can talk to you like she’s your best friend and then the next minute she will be cold as ice. “Odd” was another comment. So I don’t really get it. I think she was convenient working in his office. She was probably not happy in her situation with her 12 year common law spouse, saw a financial opportunity with him to better her situation on several levels, must have been easy, has dark hair as he prefers that to blonds and then after that I have no idea. I know he has been interested in at least 2 other women since being with her so who knows if he is faithful to her or not but they are still together.
I think it was just an “opportunity” as my ex described it. She was clearly not happy with her husband, disappointed she couldn’t have a baby (her coworkers told me this), been in her job for a long time, and whatever other beneath the surface issues going on with her that allowed her to justify her actions for going after a married man and cheating on her husband, made it easy for mine to fill some role for something lacking in his own life.
I discovered after we split he was putting his feelers out to other women so this one just happened to bite and worked with him so it was very easy and probably exciting. I also found messages through Facebook (it was easy to guess his password) to show he was flirting and making plans with other women while he was more than a year in his “relationship” with Janice so I don’t think being with her ha much to do with her looks or who she is as a person.
For my ex, she was available. What justified it in his mind is not clear to me. He moved into a position of power in this company, a company that he described as “incestuous” to a friend of ours and likened it to the TV series ‘Mad Men’ where everyone sleeps with everyone. They are still together so who knows but he still pays for his own apartment and it is at least 5 years he has been sleeping with her. Our kids are never at his place so need for him to keep a separate place from hers unless he does separate things with someone else in his place. Seems like a huge waste of money to me. My youngest said if her dad takes her anywhere to cook dinner for her it is at Janice’s place, not his. My youngest feels that he already lives there and is just keeping his apartment until after his parents visit in February so they can stay there. A hotel room for a week would be cheaper and nicer for them.
I agree that you think if your spouse is going to cheat it will be with someone younger and sexier. She is my age. I know he prefers dark hair over blond (he once told me when he took me out for my birthday while we were still dating that “blonds have boring looks”.) You would think that would have been a huge red flag for me back then. Argh! His one daughter is very blond so hope he never tells her that.
He wouldn’t be with her if she has kids. She had nothing else going on in her life so she could focus all her attention on my ex.
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