Tag Archives: affair
It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.
I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time. Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.
There are some specific things that stand out in my mind. In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up. My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time. He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.” Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth. Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.
When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been? I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.
The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012. Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary. There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business. He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon. He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable. He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on. That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest. I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”
He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me. He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.
At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time. I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested. It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”. Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair. We left his Christmas party hand in hand. The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself. He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun. After all, it was his company party. I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.
When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister. When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards. The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well. He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011. He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone. He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.
He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night. When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg. That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place. The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game. I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare. When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation. He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.” I was dumbfounded and just looked at him. Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.
In February he starts to stay later at work. I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital. His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk. Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself. The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m. He always went alone. Why was he going at a specific time? I never questioned this. My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go. Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys. He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all. On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection. I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom. I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it. On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy. I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me. February 18 he mentions separation. On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home. That shocked me. He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets. I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?” I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me. On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage. He said that I would never change.
In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”
On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning. We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning. I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now. He sighed with annoyance. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said, “No, you can hug me.” It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.
The sensitivity of a gnat
My husband’s birthday is January 26. He was already having sex with the other woman by this time. He actually celebrated his birthday with her after playing hockey on Friday, January 25. They went to the Keg for dinner. I assumed he was out with his hockey buddies having some beers celebrating his birthday. I was home with our girls.
In the summer at a golf tournament, my husband won tickets for a Royals hockey game. He could choose any game to attend. He chose 4 tickets on the date of his birthday to attend the Royals Pink in the Rink Game raising funds for breast cancer. We attended as a family all dressed in pink.
I bought my husband and kids souvenir scarves to wear as well as 8 ‘chuck a-pucks’ to throw out during one of the intermissions. We split the pucks so we each had 2 to throw. My husband won closest to one of the 3 circles. I went to collect his prize. The prize was 2 tickets to the Rihanna concert on April 1 in Vancouver, hotel for the night and air fare. The prize package was probably worth about $1000. When I gave my husband his prize he thought it was great. We were all so excited. The girls indicated they wanted to go to the concert so we talked briefly about how we would have to see if we could get 2 more tickets.
Then we looked at the date of the concert. It was the date we were booked to fly home from Florida. My husband literally had a tantrum. He yelled at me that I booked our trip to come home from Florida that day and he hadn’t wanted to stay that long in Florida in the first place. It was all my fault we now wouldn’t be able to go to the concert and he wanted to go. I suggested that we could do something; maybe change our return flight home to a day earlier or still go the concert as we arrived home 5 hours before the concert started. I suggested that maybe we could fly from Florida into Vancouver instead of Victoria and I was trying to think in my mind how we would handled our luggage, etc.
Firstly, I couldn’t believe he was acting this way and then acting this way in front of the kids. Yes, it would have been nice to go to the concert but it was on a Monday night, there were only 2 tickets so we either had to get 2 more tickets for the kids and the kids would miss school the next day or we had to find them some place to stay on a school night while we attended. We have no family here to look after the kids. We would also need to find someone to look after the dog if we went over night. It wasn’t simple logistically to figure out so wasn’t it a great prize to sell to someone else and take the money to use on our vacation? Plus, wasn’t our family vacation going to be great enough. It was our Christmas gift to the kids. Wouldn’t we want that extra day to enjoy Disney World?
I mentioned his tantrum and how his behaviour made me feel and he did apologize to me afterwards. We decided to sell the tickets.
On March 5, 2013 my husband made comments to me about e-mails that I sent my friends including a photograph of the girl that I thought was the other woman. I thought the only way he could possibly know this is because he went onto my computer when he came in the house with no one here as we knew he had done the night before when he knew the rest of us were out of the house.
When I called my husband out on that he said in an email to me on March 5, 2013 @ 9:00 a.m.:
“No…I’ve been told what you’re sending to people…. but you went through my emails? Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?”
He is referring to me taking his Blackberry on February 28 to see if I could find any evidence of indiscretions. I responded by e-mail on March 5, 2013 @ 12:37 p.m.:
“I never went through your e-mails–ever in the 23 years I have been with you. I’ve never snooped through your drawers, pockets, pagers, phones, etc. I don’t even know how to use your Blackberry. Sadly, I trusted you explicitly and let you live your life completely free. I never once thought you would do this to us and our family. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved your kids. I thought you loved and valued everything we built together. I am devastated. I am betrayed. I am the saddest person on this planet right now. I ache so deeply for this loss especially for my children who have lost every security they thought they had. It is unrepairable. This will affect forever the relationships that they will have. The best gift my parents every gave me was raising me in a secure marriage. I am so sad I can’t give my children that gift. I am so sad my husband didn’t love or respect me enough to fight for our marriage, to fight for our family, to go to counseling like I suggested. I got counselor names, I told you how much I loved you and would do anything for you. I am sad that my kids know that you gave up on us. That we weren’t enough for you.”
His response on March 6, 2013 @ 7:57 a.m.:
“Did you pack the Rihanna tickets somewhere. I haven’t seen them and would like to sell them.”
My emotions start spilling out
On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:
“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”
I respond at 9:27 a.m.: “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”
He responds at 9:37 a.m.:
“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about. What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on. I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response. I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office. If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward. I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt. Really makes you look petty in the long run.
Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you. Are you open to this?
My response at 11:21 a.m.:
“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want. We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else. So here is my “chat”.
Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me. I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house. You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank. If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place. You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever. If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on. If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family. And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my health. Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others. Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had. You are the petty one in the long and short run.
I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible. If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.
So let’s try this again:
I want your stuff gone from our house. You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time. I will have everything in the driveway for you. Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary. There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience. You can get a storage unit. I will no longer be your storage unit for anything. I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me. Do not come earlier and do not come later.
You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc. I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc. It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.
I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information. If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement. That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”
Disposing of my husband’s belongings
My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.
I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs. I left the door unlocked so he could just come in. My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived. She did not want to see him. She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog. My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home. My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave. She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway. He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.
My older daughter went into sheer panic. She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time. I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her. She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.
Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch. Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived. She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me. I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.
I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max. I did feel emotional. I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I wanted him to want to talk to me. I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me. I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part. I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize. But he didn’t. Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.
After he was gone I went downstairs. Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger. He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier. Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.
My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left. My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things. She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman. I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner. I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things. I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something. I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have. Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.
We could help. And so we did. I felt better already doing something to take back the control.
My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings. We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office. He is a partner in the company where he works. His company owns the building where he works. Therefore I was not dumping on public property. I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this. She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected. His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up. His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.
When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed one of his colleagues coming down the stairs. It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend. When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot. My husband’s vehicle was there! It was daylight still so we left and came back home. We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m. No on was there now. We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said, “Property of (Husband’s Name)”. My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”. She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings. There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.
It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me. We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone. It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.
Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home
Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:
“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”
On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:
“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.
If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.
You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.
You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.
You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.
We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.
As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”
Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action
On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:
This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.
(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.
I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.
I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:
1. Court Proceedings
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option
Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.
The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.
You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.
Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.
If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.
Looking for help in all the right places
It is Friday, March 1 at about 7:00 a.m. I am in information relaying and gathering mode. I am in action mode. While my husband is heading to Vancouver for a weekend of business partying, I am sharing with the key people in my life about the fresh discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I am getting support, help, advice and encouragement for me and my girls.
I contacted lawyer Robert Klassen after finding his information on the internet. I called at 7:15 a.m., right after my husband walked out the door for the weekend. My husband knew I knew about his affair with another woman but he chose not to acknowledge me in anyway before leaving. There was no, “I’m sorry.” He told our 15-year old daughter, who was lying beside me at the time, that he was sorry she found out about his infidelity and that he wanted to talk to her when he returned, but he said nothing to me. He just left.
I was very surprised that Robert’s secretary answered the phone that early in the morning. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said, “Yes.” She asked me if I wanted to go through court. I said, “Yes.” Then I told her I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how I should proceed and explained my situation. She put Robert on the phone with me. He was very kind and made time to meet with me later that afternoon. I had to get $3000 for a retainer fee. I took the money from my husband and my joint bank account.
Prior to meeting Robert, I had an appointment to get fake eyelashes applied to my top lids. I am blond and have fair, short, invisible lashes. After paying a ridiculous sum of money for lashes that only last 2 – 4 weeks and then require a $50 fill thereafter, I was told that I can’t allow my eyes to get wet for the next 24 hours as it would affect the glue adhesion. When I met Robert he gave me a hug, told me he’s been through divorce personally and knows how difficult this time is for me. He sat me down with a box of Kleenex. I promised him that I wouldn’t need the Kleenex due to my expensive new eyelashes. I answered his questions, listened to him, filled out forms, wrote down information, took pamphlets, accepted his advice on how to proceed and I did not require a single Kleenex.
While I was out, I had a call from a friend saying that my 15-year old daughter had answered the phone and she broke down crying. My 15-year old had missed school that day. When I got home I found that she got rid of all our family photos around the house. She told me they make her sick to see them. She was replaying things in her mind and determined that her dad took the dog with him on one of his trysts. That was very upsetting to her. She remembered that her dad recently punished her younger sister for lying and recalls that her dad was lying at this same time as to what he was doing and where he was spending his time. She wanted to call the other woman. She wanted to confront her face to face. The movie ‘The Women’ was on t.v. while I was out. She taped it for me because she thought it would be helpful for me to watch it and she said it would make me laugh. She suggested that I go out with my friends for the night. I told her I didn’t want to go anywhere. She offered to take my younger daughter swimming in the evening so I could have friends over. I told her I didn’t feel like having anyone over. She suggested that we all go to a movie. I told her that she could go out and she should do whatever would make her feel better at this time but that I didn’t want to go anywhere. She said, “Mom, I feel like your friends can help you better than I can.” I assured her that she was already a huge support to me and that she didn’t need to feel it was her responsibility to help me.
Another one of my friends had her mom pick up my younger daughter after school with her own daughter and take them to their dance class. Her mom took them back to her place afterwards and then when my friend was done work she picked the girls up from her mom’s place, went to McDonalds and brought us all back dinner. She visited my 15-year old in her room and came out and told me that my daughter broke down into tears. My friend left and offered to come back after dinner.
I knew that I needed to tell my younger daughter as simply as I could that mommy and daddy were separating. I wanted to wait until she was done eating her McDonalds. She actually overheard her sister and I talking about her daddy and about Florida so she asked, “Is Daddy not going to Florida?” I told her that daddy doesn’t want to be married to mommy right now and that is why he doesn’t want to come on the trip with us. My older daughter blurted out, “Tell her the truth mom” and she turned to my younger daughter and said, “Dad has been cheating on mom with a whore.” I admonished my older daughter for speaking that way and at the same time my younger daughter said, “Is that true?” I don’t even know if she knew what that meant. I just confirmed that daddy is seeing another woman.
I did end up allowing 3 friends to come over and I am so glad that I did. One friend brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The other 2 friends ended up cleaning out my fridge and cleaning up my kitchen. 2 of these friends have experienced divorce. They were all amazing at helping both my older daughter and me just by listening and providing the comfort of friendship. Two friends also brought their daughters over who are friends with my youngest daughter so they were able to play and be distracted while the rest of us talked.
After meeting with Robert, I felt like I was in very capable hands legally. After spending time with my friends and reading e-mails from other friends and family who now had a chance to respond to my e-mail news about the affair, I felt very built up emotionally and supported. I felt like I was taking control in a situation that was completely out of my control. It had been a long day. I had been up now for about 36 hours but did not feel capable of sleeping. I was now in business mode and I felt like I could write my husband direction on how I was planning to move forward.
My husband messages me for the first time after learning I know of his affair with another woman
On Friday, March 1, 2013 at 8:48 a.m. my husband makes his first comments to me regarding my discovery of his affair with another woman. He has just left our home about 2 hours prior to travel to Vancouver for a social/business weekend with some other guys from his office. He has only told my 15-year old daughter prior to walking out the door that he was sorry she saw the sexually explicit messages between him and the other woman and he wants to talk to her about it when he returns on Sunday. His first response to me via email is:
“That was nice of you to copy my parents. I get your anger towards me but to be vindictive and send that to them was wrong. I won’t go to Florida. Please cancel my flight”.
Discovery of the affair
It was Thursday, February 28, 2013. My husband went to bed before 10:00 p.m. We used to watch the news together but he said he had to get up early as he was leaving for Vancouver in the morning for a weekend of business that involved going to Vancouver with a couple of other male coworkers to take out clients to lunches, dinners and a Vancouver Canucks game on Saturday night.
I had been spending the week already sleeping downstairs in our unrented suite due to tension in our marriage during the week. I asked him if he was going to say goodbye to me since I wouldn’t see him in the morning. My 15-year old daughter was in the room and he kind of grunted and looked disgusted as I got up to give him a hug. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said begrudgingly, “You can hug me if you want to.”
That was when I felt that something was more wrong than just a bump in our marriage. I went downstairs but couldn’t sleep. Never in the 23 years that we had been dating, co-habitating and married had I ever snooped in pockets, wallets, drawers, mail, e-mail, pages, phone messages, etc. but something told me to check out his Blackberry.
It was 11:30 p.m. He was already asleep. I crept into our bedroom and went to take his Blackberry off his dresser but it wasn’t in its usual spot. He always charges it in the kitchen so I checked the counter and it wasn’t there either. I decided to just go back downstairs. On my way down I noticed the light on in my 15-year old daughter’s room. She always falls asleep with the light on so I opened her door to turn it off. She was still awake. She said she couldn’t sleep and for me to leave her light on. We talked for a minute and then I left her room and shut her door. I thought further about the oddity of my husband’s missing phone. I snuck quietly back into our bedroom and went into our bathroom. In the dark, I saw the black cord across our white sink. He was charging it in our bathroom. He’s never done that before. I took the phone and when I unplugged it the screen lit up. In a panic, I quickly covered it and ran quietly out into our kitchen. I don’t own a Blackberry and I’m not very technologically-minded. I didn’t know what I was doing. I pushed some buttons to try to look at photos and texts but I couldn’t get anything to open. Next thing I know, it appeared that I sent a blank text to one of his coworkers. I tried to click on a button again and it looked like I sent a second blank text to the same coworker. Now I was afraid my husband would know I was on his phone. My 15-year old has a Blackberry. I opened her door and she was still awake. I apologized to her and said that mommy was on daddy’s phone and that I thought I sent a text by mistake. Could she just look to see if I did that and if I did is there a way that it can be deleted. She told me to give her the phone and next thing you know she was swearing and cursing her father. I was shocked. I was reprimanding her for her language and then she said that dad is having an affair. What? Further shock. She was going through his phone and I was physically shaking. I didn’t really expect to find anything and I certainly wasn’t prepared to find anything. I felt sick to my stomach. She took over and went into parent mode. She showed me some of the content on his phone and said that she was going to send it to my e-mail and to her computer so there was a record and he couldn’t erase it. We went downstairs together and started to comb through the evidence.