abuse of power, adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, the other woman

The Silence Breakers

While my husband was still working for the competitor of the place he is now employed, he told me a story.

He was at an industry event. He noticed that one of the male partners of another adjusting company (where he now works) was holding up a female coworker. He said that she was so wasted she could barely stand. He told me that it was a horrible reflection on this company and that the male partner should have put this female employee in a cab and sent her home.

Fast forward to him now working at this company with the two male partners. My husband was hired to eventually take over from the one partner, who was holding up the incapacitated female staffer, when he retired.

My husband came home one night to tell me that the female employee, who he noticed at this industry event as extremely inebriated, had a lawsuit against his company. She was alleging that the night he witnessed her in this condition, she was raped by another employee. He shared details that were quite horrific. She never returned to work after that night.

He told me that the party had apparently started on the other partner’s boat that afternoon. I don’t recall how many people he said were on the boat or if they were all coworkers. The party moved from the boat to the place where my husband saw her walk in. Apparently after that event she was taken back to the boat and raped. The employee being accused of the rape denied it and said nothing happened between him and this coworker.

I had been on that boat with my husband and our 2 children shortly after he was hired. It had 2 bedrooms. I hated the way my husband acted that night and I was embarrassed by his behavior as a new employee and also in front of our children. He got so drunk he fell into the ocean while trying to get into a Zodiac to take us back to shore. I also had to pull the car over for him to throw up on our way back home. He became a totally different person on that boat and I thought if he was trying to impress his new “partner-to-be” he was doing a terrible job.

There was another couple who joined us on the boat at some point during that day. Months later, my husband would come home to tell me that the husband of that couple we met was waiting to hear if he was the father of some girl he had fooled around with who got pregnant. It was between him and another guy. It turned out to not be his but again, I remember feeling incredibly sad for the wife of this man and thinking who are these men that are now in my husband’s life?

My husband relayed several other boat stories in the year and a half before I found out about his own affair with a coworker. He shared many sexual stories about the partner who is the boat owner. He shared how his partner would leave topless photos of his wife on his camera and then give the memory card to their secretary to sort through and see them all. My husband described “swinging” parties on the boat and I remember telling him that he better make sure he is never on that boat without me.

My husband came home again to tell me that the employee who was being accused of the rape had initially given a statement denying the entire event. He initially said that nothing happened between him and this female coworker. Now, my husband reported, he changed his statement. He said that his version was now that this female employee performed oral sex on him and that was all that happened. My husband told me that no one at the office believed him and that it did not look good that he now changed his story. My husband told me that this employee was a husband with a baby on the way.

As far as the female employee, my husband said that she was apparently “mentally unstable” and that she had slept with the partner who owned the boat at one point while she was married. This was going to be their defense.

With the current ‘#Me too Movement’ this seems so similar to many other stories. There was no protection of the female employee. She was left in a vulnerable condition and environment and placed in that position during a work event. The male employee was believed and protected and the female employee was left having to find other employment. She was being shamed and blamed in her office by her bosses. She had worked there a long time and it makes no sense that she would just abandon her job with no other job to go to and not give proper notice. Something obviously happened.

It is alleged that a date rape drug was used and she only had one drink. She apparently doesn’t even recall being at the event where my husband saw her.

Apparently, the partner who owns the boat and who had a sexual relationship with this subordinate female, had a clause in his contract that says if he sleeps with any other employees in their office he loses his company shares. If this is true, there was a very serious known problem with the work environment he created.

This is the environment my husband now works. I remember, and I think I have blogged about this before, my husband coming home and saying, “I don’t know he gets away with talking to women like he does.” It was like my husband admired it. Well, he gets away with it because men, like my husband, witness this and instead of calling him on it praise him and envy him for it and then emulate it.

Obviously Janice Andrews, who contributes to the environment by sleeping with married men and cheating on her husband, knew about the rape. When I told her husband about his wife having an affair with my husband the first thing he said to me was, “Is he the guy who raped (name of victim)?” Who knows, maybe Janice herself is a victim of the environment where she works. Maybe she was afraid she would lose her job if she didn’t participate with my husband.

Mehgan McCain on The View today said it best, “Any man who is screwing around at work anymore you better start running because this isn’t a good time for you.”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce

I know, it has been awhile…

I am so tired of my continued, frustrating situation with my ex and the way it has ruined me financially that I don’t even want to be reminded by writing it into words. However, I committed to documenting my experience with infidelity and the consequences on the lives of me, my children, which includes the consequence for my ex, the other woman, family, friends and those we encounter along the way. So after a pause, I am back.
Like anything we commit to and then abandon, the longer we leave it unattended, the harder it is to return. Our marriages can crumble in the same way an exercise regime or healthy eating plan get tossed aside. You turn away from your spouse and start engaging with other people, in other activities that seem more fun than your daily responsibilities and obligations. You chose to invest your time away from God, your spouse, family and home and suddenly the goal of what anyone who gets married strives for–building a healthy, loving, happy, supportive, successful family–turns into “I care only about doing what I want and my family is no longer important.”
I ran a half marathon in 2013 and 2014. It was 8 1/2 months of training to be strong enough to be able to perform and complete that distance. It involved training 3 and 4 times/week; 5 kilometer races, 10 kilometer races and then building up the distance and time. Some days I felt great and looked forward to meeting my run group. Other days I walked or even limped my way and there were times I just endured. I knew though I couldn’t bail on one of those sessions no matter how much I didn’t want to go because if I stopped it would only make things worse for me in the long run. I would stop building and start staying stagnant or losing what I had built. I was so happy when I crossed that finish line. I was so proud of myself and saw all of the benefits in my experience and ability to persevere.
I took 3 months off after each half marathon and did zero running. I always felt dread going back again because it was like starting from scratch. I had blisters, sore muscles, stiff knees, and I couldn’t keep up with the group. I had chaffing under my boobs and my inner thighs and my lungs were on fire. It was hard but that is one of the reasons why I chose this activity. The challenge was worth it and I love how strong I feel when I am back training. I am not an natural runner or athlete but I am building something very valuable in my character, in my body and in my life.
In 2015 my focus was on preparing our home to sell and getting rid of everything we accumulated over 23 years. It was so much work and draining on every level. I had no time or desire to run.
In 2016 the melanoma diagnosis with it’s 3 surgeries and the downtime required afterwards kept me away from running for 6 months until I was cleared. I also had to find a new place to live and undergo another move. I tried to start up running again on my own afterwards but running outside of the group support was hard and going back after a 9 month break was difficult. Then my daughter made Team Canada and her practices were on my long run day. My ex no longer was picking up our daughter on my run clinic night so I had to get her instead. I wasn’t good at going out on my own in the rainy season when it was dark at night and dark in the morning.
I went back to my run group again this year but it hasn’t been easy. Now I wasn’t 3 months or even 9 months behind, I was a year behind. I had to find other people to drive my daughter home from dance or I had to leave her at the studio for 45 minutes after she finished with the stress of the studio closing before I got there to pick her up. I knew she just wanted to get home; her friends had left, she was tired, had homework to do and was hungry. I still did it. I ran two 10ks this year but I have already missed the first week of half marathon practice. If I leave it any longer, it won’t happen. When I don’t make things happen I feel guilt, stress, weight gain, etc. and I feel like there is not point in continuing to run at all.
It is this balance of decision making between what is right for us at the time, what moves us towards our long term goal and what decision will have the best consequences for us in the moment and in the long run. Choosing what seems like the easiest path now is not always the best thing for us in the long run. Choosing the difficult path is not always wise either. Life is supposed to be enjoyable and sometimes we unnecessarily make it more difficult and set ourselves up to fail because we aren’t being realistic or discerning enough. Timing, patience, and day to day factors make mindful living much easier said than done. God and the support of other people are always what gets me through and helps me to trust I am where I need to be right now and choosing what is right.
Once again I am faced with another melanoma diagnosis. I had the surgery last week. I have to move residence yet again and I should be back in court on August 9 asking the judge to enforce the signed promises my ex made in our mediation agreement. My older daughter has been back from school living with me since the end of April. She is working and struggling in her search to find a place to live in Vancouver for her 3rd year at university. The housing crisis in that city is making me believe she needs to transfer back to Uvic and finish her last 2 years here. Thankfully her legal issues resolved. Finances as always are a huge struggle for us. My younger daughter had a very successful school year and dance season. She won many awards and even some scholarship money. My kids and I have a very close relationship. Our struggles together have not been easy but we are learning so much about each other and about what is important in life.
There is always something that can distract us from what is important. I actually started this post 5 days ago and I can’t manage to pull my thoughts together and get it completed. I am sure my ex battled with this same concept before cheating. He had left all his friends and family back in Ontario, he left the church behind and stopped going to church out here, he starting building a new business and new friendships and didn’t include me and the girls in those relationships and stopped coming to events with friends we built together. He started partying more, staying out longer, not coming home for dinner, traveling, not doing anything to help out around the house, picking fights with me, etc. HIs chose for himself, not his family. It is much harder to be the one left behind to make right decisions for 3 people and 3 pets than the one who gets to be free to do whatever he wants. But I would much rather be me in my situation than he in his.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, faith, God, infidelity

I Just Saw Ugly

I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition. We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.

I looked at him while he was talking to her. There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex. He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.

What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband. We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved. I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family. We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him. I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.

What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then. It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough. He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation. The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit. Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off. He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special. I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.

It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’. It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way. He has acne scars, large ears and a big head. I never saw those things. It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.

There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, dating, divorce, infidelity, loss, Love, moving on, unfaithfulness

Dating and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It has almost been 4 years since I discovered my husband’s affair. It would be an understatement to say that I have been very slow and cautious to re-enter the dating scene. Overly consumed by everything left for me alone to handle, the needs of the kids, the financial concerns, the legal proceedings; dating was just another item on my to-do-list that eventually would need to be checked off but it was not a priority now.

My needs were completely met by safe, adult, male friends. During the first year of my separation, 2013, Rob would come over and sit on my back porch with a fire burning just to talk. He would hang out with me all day when I had garage sales saying he would try to pop by but ended up showing up at 10 a.m. and staying until 5 p.m. and then would go with me to get something to eat afterwards. We would make plans to meet for breakfast at 9:30 that turned into going to the farmer’s market and then just going for a drink on a patio overlooking the ocean and then deciding we really needed some food so we would find a different patio for a 2:00 p.m. lunch. We would meet for lunch at 11:30 and then he would order a couple of desserts that he didn’t want just so we could remain and we would leave the restaurant at 3. Even though I hadn’t seen him really at all last year, he was the last one to leave my surprise 50th birthday party in the summer.

Martin is my fantasy. He entered my life in 2014 through a mutual friend and we have had so much fun together. I would show up at his house to pick him up and he would answer the door with no shirt on. He has the hardest body. I commented that he made 50 look good and he said, “I make 50 look damn good!” We always went to the same restaurant and after discussing what we wanted to eat he would tell the waitress, “My fiancée will have….” And then the waitress would say, “Oh, congratulations!” We would carry on with our pretend story improvising details never sure how the other would respond. We would close down the restaurant. When we went to a comedy club there was a silent auction. He bid on a ballet night with dinner. I mentioned my surprise back at our table with several people listening and he responded, “Darling, I always told you I wanted to take you to the ballet.” He would flirt shamelessly with me and would always invite me in for a hot tub afterwards. I always declined. He said if I ever wanted pillow talk I knew where to find him. He would text me with a beautiful note afterwards making sure I was home safely.

Dan was my golf partner the summer of 2015. We played almost every weekend. We would hang out with mutual friends at BBQ’s and game nights and he would plan day trips for us like going to Saltspring for Apple Fest. He had a very dry sense of humour and was fairly quiet and reserved but he would shock me every now and then by revealing something very personal that was so out of character to what I would have expected from him.

Around this time, my girlfriend mentioned one day, “What do you think of Brian?” I was thinking, and she continued, “He thinks you are very sweet and wondered if you would like to go on a date with him.” I had to ask, “Who is Brian?” “We went for dinner the other night”, she said. “Your Uncle Brian?” I asked incredulously. “Yes”, she said. “He really liked you.” “Your dad’s brother?” I laughed. “My dad’s youngest brother”, she defended. “He’s very successful, has lots of money and is super nice.” “He lives in Vancouver”, I said, “so it won’t work and besides I would have to make you call me, Aunty”. This was also the time another friend said to me, “You really need to start dating for no other reason than to learn about yourself.”

In 2016, I dated 3 men. They were all nice, two were highly successful and they were all okay looking (one was 35 years old!) but after the 3rd date, they ended it with me (although the 35 year old still texts) and one of the other guys sent an email in the summer just asking how I was doing. I always enjoyed my time with each and they planned great dates–The Floathouse; a ghostly walk; beautiful restaurants, dinner on the beach…but I never wanted to take it further. I never let them come to my place, I only kissed them good night and I wouldn’t go back to their place. I still didn’t feel I had the time to invest in a relationship. I would never put a relationship at this point ahead of my 14-year old daughter’s needs and all I wanted was for someone to go out with every now and then. My female friends were really meeting my needs in this area anyways.

So on New Year’s Eve, I declared my New Year’s Resolution to my girlfriend as being that I wasn’t going to date at all in 2017. I was just going to get my divorce finalized, resolve my legal issues, get my place in order and work on me, inside and out, so that I could attract the right person without any negative distractions. Wouldn’t it figure that within the next hour after my declaration this very lovely, 6’2″ man started to talk to me. He was very complimentary and he said that he would like to take me on a horse carriage ride and that if we enjoyed each other’s company that he would like to take me to dinner afterwards. I told him my new year’s resolution. He laughed but wasn’t deterred.

I loved his energy, his smile and his eyes. He was dressed nicely and smelled great. We exchanged phone numbers and talked constantly by phone and text for 2 days. He works shift work and was moving on January 2 into a smaller place that he had just bought but we went to dinner on the 3rd (I told him it was too cold for me to enjoy a carriage ride). We were at the restaurant for 4 hours. I loved his life experience from his search and rescue career leading a jaws of life team and rescue diving to being a dad of 3, owning a car dealership that he couldn’t wait to sell, traveling to every state in the US, being an extra in several popular movies, winning a BBQ contest and getting a cooking segment on a local TV channel, losing everything in the Calgary flood, etc. He seemed to have his values in check. I really was attracted to this man. He told me how great that he thought I was and how he didn’t want our date to be over. After dinner, he walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I loved it. It was hard to stop. He told me that I was a great kisser and that he didn’t want to let me go. He said he felt so comfortable with me and had told me how happy he was that we met. He invited me back to his house and as much as I wanted to go, I did not. He promised he would never put any pressure on me to do anything and that we would always go at my speed.

We got together as much as we could over the next 3 weeks and we talked all the time. He cooked for me or I would bring food to his place. We loved to just stay so we could have our privacy, talk and cuddle and really get to know each other. We would try to watch a movie but we were very distracted by each other. We were both so tired one day that we just fell asleep and it was really nice. He made me feel beautiful, desired, sexy and it was very hard to leave his place.

On Thursday, I was heading back over to his place. He had just come off a string of late, 12-hour shifts but had 3 days off. He had spent his first day off with his son. He wanted to finish getting his house in order from his move and his son offered to help. He spent the day moving things he had dumped in a spare bedroom to storage and then he took his son out to dinner for his son’s birthday. I had told him that Wednesday was the best day for me to spend with him as I had no commitment to pick up my daughter that day but he made plans with his son instead and I understood his need to get his move behind him.

We had 6 hours planned to spend together on Thursday and then he said I had him all of Friday as well. He asked me at noon what I wanted him to cook for dinner and I told him instead that I wanted to take him out to eat. He said that was okay and he would just continue to work until I got to his place (I did have things I wanted to do–yoga, lunch with a girlfriend and letting the dog out before I came over and made these plans because I was sure we were going to have the day before together) He was fine with that though as he had work he wanted to finish.

Just when I was about to leave to go over he texted telling me to wait because he just received a text from his son that he was being picked up by his son and his son’s girlfriend for dinner at 5. He said he texted his son back but wasn’t getting an answer so he was very confused with the text. He said that he still wanted me to come out until he had to go to dinner. I instantly felt sad and texted him telling him that but said I would still come out. During the drive to his place my mind was turning. Why was he going out with his son again and why would he want to go to dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend instead of spending time with me? He spent the whole day with his son yesterday. Why didn’t he cancel with his son and say he was double booked? Why didn’t he invite me to go (he told me he told his son about me)? It was actually his son’s birthday that day and it was his son’s girlfriend’s birthday on the same day. Why would they want his dad there during their celebration? Why would their dad want to be there and not just tell them to enjoy their birthday celebration together? He had already celebrated with his son.

When I got there I had a pit in my stomach and it was hard to swallow. I got to the door and he wasn’t there waiting for me with it open like he usually does so eager to hug and kiss me. I knocked (which I have never had to do) and I was shaking. He yelled at me to come in. I opened the door and he was hurried, coming from down the hall into the kitchen and then doing something on the counter maybe with his change and wallet but I just stood there. He barely looked at me and said, “What a crazy day. I thought the plans with my son were on Friday for dinner…” and then I just burst into tears. He came over to hug me and hold me and I just sobbed into his chest. I don’t remember him saying anything except maybe sorry but I wondered why he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t put my arms around him but had my hands in partial fists at the side of my face. It was when I heard him mention about plans with his son on Friday when he told me that he was spending all of Friday with me that did it. I was shaking and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I am not a crier so I had no idea what was happening. If it is fight or flight, I fight. I have never been one to retreat or run away but I had to get out of there. The energy was weird. I could barely speak but I said I had to leave and I did.

8 hours later I was the one who texted first to see if he was home. He texted back saying he walked in the door 20 minutes earlier and asked if I was okay. I hadn’t seen the earlier text he must have sent during my drive to his place, until after I left in tears, saying that he asked his son if he could come at 6 instead of 5 so he could have more time with me and telling me that he had Friday free now but I was thinking that would mean he had at least a 4 hour dinner with his son. Was that normal?

He texted, “I’m feeling not so good. I didn’t like how I felt when you left. I never like hurting anyone.” I responded, “Well I was hurt. I also wonder if you were lying to me.” He said, “I was not lying to you. That’s not me.” And I said, “but I don’t know you.” He responded, “I’m sorry for upsetting you. It was a mistake in dates is all. But that being said I’m not good with hurting anyone and especially someone I care about. Having that same person call me a liar cuts deep. I’m sorry for everything.”

I told him that I wasn’t calling him a liar. I was very vulnerable and I shared where my mind went with everything and what I was thinking to try and make sense of why he bailed on me.

I didn’t hear back from him for 2 days and when I did he sent the following text: “Robyn I have had time to think about the other day. After reading the text messages over and over I have decided that I am not going to continue with our relationship. I have decided to focus on my work and just stay on my own. I’m truly sorry that I upset you. I did go back through my son’s messages and in fact he did ask me to dinner on the wrong day so it was not my mistake. However, seeing you so upset really made me feel horrible about myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone at anytime. I wish you the best. You truly are a special person. I am just the wrong guy. Take care, Gord.”

I sent him at text asking if we could talk telling him that his cancellation of our time together and then finding out he had made plans on Friday without considering me made me feel unwanted and unimportant. (I had told him that I had to pick my daughter up from dance on Friday at 5 so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he made plans Friday for dinner because of that) but I just wanted to talk it through. I told him that I was more surprised probably than him about my reaction. I said in one sense it made me feel human again to have feelings. I never heard back from him though. I sent a final brief text on Monday, so I could have closure, basically telling him that he is on his journey, I am on mine and that he was a nice stop along the way. I wished him happiness, peace, health and love.

When I shared with a psychologist friend about my experience she said it was post-traumatic stress. She said that is what happens when after a traumatic event (being betrayed) you have unexpected and unforeseen triggers from a seemingly random misunderstanding. She said that situation took me right back to the experience of finding out about my husband’s affair. The flashback made me doubt Gord’s feelings for me, wonder if it was all a lie, suspect other motives, assume cover ups and question whether he was really working or with his son or doing what he said he was doing. Every lie I uncovered about my spouse and then the aftermath of everything I went through as a result of the deceit was relived again in that quick moment.

Or maybe my gut was right.

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, other woman

Cheaters Get Caught

In follow up to the post about Stealing and Giving Back, I am happy to report that the thieves who stole from my daughter’s friend who was trying to raise money for the European Golf Championship tournament in Scotland to which she qualified, were arrested.

There was a follow up news story on TV reporting this information as well as another interview with my daughter’s friend because two additional cheques from anonymous donors were sent in to the TV station–one for $1001 and another for $2001. Cindy was thanking the donors stating that now she could use her weekends to practice instead of fundraising.

The next day my daughter came home to tell me that the police officer, who investigated the theft and then replaced the $160 that was estimated to have been in the jar stolen from her friend as she sold samosas at a market, called her and asked her to come down to the station. He presented her with another cheque for $1880 from people who had given him money because they were inspired by his act of kindness to give the girl, from his own pocket, all she had lost.

One of the thieves was not happy to be caught. When he was being released from jail he chose to punch a door and caused damage. That landed him back in his cell. His heart was clearly not remorseful. He seems to just be mad he got caught and now has consequences to face as a result.

Cindy was trying to raise $6000 plus for her trip. Due to her own hard work and time spent fundraising and because of the kindness and generosity of strangers she has reached her goal months ahead of her hoped expectations. Despite thieves and actually as a direct result of the greediness and selfishness of others she was victorious.

Cheaters never prosper. Love hearing that their victims do.

adultery, cheating, divorce, ex spouse, other woman, separation

Burning our Portrait

In episode 9 of ‘The Crown’ on Netflix there is a scene where artist Graham Sutherland has been commissioned to paint the portrait of Sir Winston Churchill as a gift for his 80th birthday.

Winston Churchill wants to see Graham’s work in progress so he offers, “I could give you advice. After all, I know this face better than you do.”

Graham Sutherland refuses to show him the incomplete portrait and responds, “I find in general people have very little understanding of who they are. One has to turn a blind eye to so much of one’s self to get through life.”

This scene came at exactly the time I had just ended texting with a friend. I hadn’t heard from him for awhile. The introductory two words in his four-word message offended me.

I responded by asking him why he would say what he did to me and that I found it insulting. I explained why.

His response: “Be nice. I am just messing.”

I suggested that he take his own advice and be nice because what he was insinuating in his text was not nice. I then said, “If you want to be one of those people that pops up in my life when you are bored then you might try to make it a more positive experience.”

His response: “Good Bye Robyn, omg. When you finish being a bitch let me know.”

My response: “You insulted me and I let you know that you did. Instead of apologizing you called me a bitch.”

His response: “Pretend I never existed. Just trying to be funny and you take it the wrong way again. I am dead to you.”

My response: “It is a very immature way to deal with someone who is only telling you that you made an insulting comment. You could have owned it, accepted responsibility, apologized and learned from it so you don’t make the same mistake to others. A little self-awareness goes a long way.”

His response: “Good luck with your life. When you want to be nice and realize I am just playing let me know. You are the immature one, chill out and relax. Grow up. I was just trying to be funny. Drama queen.”

Although I don’t think he was intentionally trying to hurt me with his comment, he has used similar sentiments to purposely attack me in the past so I was very sensitive to his words. I explained that. He might have made a dig but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and just told him it was a hurtful comment that was not funny to me.

I have offended people unintentionally, in business and in my personal life. If it is brought to my intention, I feel terrible and it is honestly my heart to do and say what I need to in order to make it right. I don’t blame the person for feeling offended by what I have done or said. I go out of my way to apologize and to hopefully make them feel better about the situation, to know I am genuine, sincere and remorseful in hurting them and I do what I can and need to in order to mend any tear in our relationship.

In the episode of The Crown that I was watching, Sir Winston Churchill hated the portrait when it was revealed. He met with the artist afterwards in private at his Chartwell home where the painting was sent but never hung and called the portrait a “humiliation”. He said it looked like he was “sitting on a chair producing a stool. A broken, sagging, pitiful creature, squeezing and squeezing.” He felt it was “treacherous, an unpatriotic, cowardly assault by the left.”

The prime minister felt it was “a betrayal of friendship”. The artist explained that he took the commission because he greatly admired the PM and came through the experience of painting his portrait admiring him even more. The PM quipped, “Do you make monsters of everyone you admire?” The artist compassionately spoke, “It’s not vindictive. It is art. It is not personal.”

Then the PM did what my friend did after I spoke my truth. Where the artist said it wasn’t personal, the PM made it personal and attacked, “You are a lost soul, a narcissist without direction or …”(he is cut off by Graham Sutherland.)

Mr. Sutherland advised Mr. Churchill to give it time and not to over react. He shared that he showed Lady Churchill, his wife, the sketches during the process and she felt it was accurate. The PM responded: “That is the whole point. It is not a reasonably truthful image of me.” The artist said, “It is sir.” The PM angrily responded, “It is cruel.”

Then Graham Sutherland firmly and directly speaks his truth, “Age is cruel. If you see decay there is decay. If you see frailty it is because there is frailty. I can’t be blamed for what is and I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you are engaged in a fight with something then it is not with me. It is with your own blindness.!”

At the end of the episode Sir Winston Churchill is shown burning the portrait. It is reported in history, though, that it was Lady Churchill who destroyed the portrait because of the distress it caused her husband.

sand_painting_of_sir_winston_churchill

Maybe we should all have a commissioned portrait and see if we have the courage to hang it, look at it and recognize ourselves.

adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, loss

Update on ‘Stealing and Giving Back’

The story of my daughter’s friend, the 14-year old fundraising to help pay the $6000 it is going cost for her to travel and compete in a European golf championship this year, was reported on the local news last night. The estimated $160 she raised selling lemonade and samosas was stolen.

The theft was caught on video surveillance cameras at the market where she was selling. Two men came by and asked why she was raising money. She told them. They left and didn’t purchase anything. Then you see them walk back together and one man grabs the money jar off her table and runs off. Cindy’s father tries to run after them and lunges to grab the man but he falls hard onto the cement, flat on his face. My daughter had told me that he had to go to the hospital by ambulance to be checked out but that he was okay. It was very upsetting for my daughter to watch that part on the news. Then the news reporter announces that one of the investigating officers gave Cindy $160 out of his own pocket to help her. The officer requested not to be identified and didn’t want any public recognition for his generosity.

The kindness effect ignites. My daughter told me that at school today Cindy was called down to the office several times and returned each time with money that people had dropped off to support her trip. The news crew had come to her school the day they were reporting the story to interview her about what happened, why she was raising money, her golf goals, etc. and they videoed her in the gym swinging a golf club with the school identified on the gymnasium wall. My daughter also told me that because her full name was disclosed on the news people were contacting her home asking if they could drop off money for her.

The surveillance showed clearly the identity of the two men. If the thieves knew they were being watched on surveillance would they have attempted to steal? The chances of them getting caught and shamed publicly, potentially losing their jobs if they work, is a real possibility. Some people just do things that are dishonest if they think they can get away with it. Would the video camera give them pause to weigh out the consequences?

What if people who were lusting after coworkers thought they were being recorded so that their spouses, kids, parents, business associates, community, etc., could watch? Would that lower the incidents of affairs in the workplace or anywhere else cheaters meet? If cheaters knew cameras were present filming what they try to cover up, would the fear of being exposed halt their deceitful thoughts and actions? Nobody chooses shame and humiliation, the loss of their families and reputation and other fall outs they can’t even foresee. That is why they sneak around, lie, hide and live double lives. They don’t want to get caught.

Some people have no remorse and make excuses to justify their actions regardless. We don’t have to control or change how those people think. This story teaches that despite the lousy situations that we may find ourselves in because of the greediness, selfishness, carelessness, and hatred of others that the universe does work everything out so that what was taken comes back as even more than what was lost and it can happen very quickly.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, loss, the other woman

Stealing and Giving Back

This is what my friend posted on Facebook today:

“On eve of NewYear afternoon, I am getting ready for my long afternoon walk when my daughter calls to tell me, a guy snatched and ran way the donation jar.
Cindy was doing fundraising (for her next European Championship) at downtown Victoria, Almost after 5 hrs of fundraising on cold winter afternoon, the jar was filled and she was getting ready to wind-up when the incident happened. When I heard her disappointed voice, all I could say was ” You have done you part, but may be the money did not belong to you, just come home” and I left for my walk. Its not easy to let go the fruit of action, I was thinking about the all the hard work, making 100 samosas for the event as I walked along.
When I came home I expected disappointed pair dad & daughter at home. But Cindy calls again and says somebody called the Cop and the officer is investigating. For sure such stolen monies are never found, but reporting formalities are a must. The most astonishing part of the story is the officer gifts the entire amount stolen to Cindy, saying he wants her to do well in the tournament. No doubt most of the Police Officers are themselves sportsmen, but the kindness and thoughtfulness of this officer is a perfect example what sports does to build a strong character and commitment to ones community. Sports teach courage, resilience, and grit. It gives voice to the voiceless. Sports matter for everyone who wants a stronger, healthier nation.”

I have been thinking a lot about this story. My daughter and I also experienced theft when we were fundraising for Team Canada. I was so sad, disappointed and angry about the loss (Swarovski crystal sapphire flower pot–$100) and wondered how someone could feel they had the right to take from someone else, especially when it was for a cause and to help a child compete for their country, too, just for their own selfish gain.

Thieves will never have enough. They will never be content. Where the universe gave back to Cindy, the thief will experience loss and emptiness. They will always be chasing what someone else has and feel entitled to use dishonourable means to take without feeling remorseful for the loss they caused others.

I think the same applies for cheaters. How can a woman justify to herself that it is okay to have an affair with a married man and destroy him and his family because she thinks it will make her happier. On top of that, how can she even face his children let alone share a meal with them. That is the devil sitting at my children’s table and they are supposed to smile, share their life with her, be respectful, exchange Christmas gifts with her and pretend she didn’t snatch their most valued possession–the security of their family and home.

I put 23 years of hard work into my relationship with my husband and for my family for the fruit of my labour to just be gone. Our goal was to display our marriage to glorify God. People should have wanted what we had because it was special, not because of who we are or what we did but because of God. We helped a lot of people in their own marriages and were supposed to continue to help others. Instead, my husband gave away the most cherished part of our relationship for his own sexual glorification. Shame on the husband who opens the door for that woman. He doesn’t see at the time that the thief is taking from him, too, because he is an accomplice.

Unlike my friend’s conclusion of the benefit of sport, cheating is one sport that only tears community apart. It reveals lack of character. It teaches cowardice, weakness, carelessness, and debility. It makes us untrustworthy and a feebler and sicker nation. The universe does not give back to cheaters and in the end, they will be left with even less than what they had to start.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, infidelity

Joy to the World!

I am definitely in a better frame of mind this Christmas than last year.

Last year, I could not bear the thought of celebrating the first Christmas after selling our home in any way that resembled our normal traditions. I really needed to do something completely different. I guess I truly could not bear it because God does not give you more than you can bear. God not only changed up our scene but he did it in the most amazing way.

Firstly, a neighbour invited us to Christmas dinner making it the first year my girls and I have ever celebrated with anyone else’s family. Then the next day we flew to Florida because a friend, out of the blue, generously paid for me and my girls to fly and stay for free for 10 days. My children said it was the best vacation in their life and we didn’t even go to Disney World.

This year, I am in another new living space. We have always had a real tree but at the urging of my youngest, I agreed to buy a tiny (still 6 1/2 foot), artificial Christmas tree. I initially didn’t want to buy anything as I am still getting rid of things and have no desire to accumulate anything else. Last year a friend gave us a fake tree in a pot with white lights to use. It was perfect and I wanted to borrow it again. It was apparent, however, that it was very important for my daughter to have a tree. She compared prices and sizes and picked out the most practical one. She even put it together and arranged the lights. We decorated it with all of my mom’s ornaments because that was the first box I came across in our storage area. Each ornament is only red, gold or frosted glass and we used her gold and red beads as garland. I think it is the prettiest tree ever.

My older daughter finished her exams and came home 2 days ago. We have had lots of talks and laughs, the three of us sitting on my bed with the pets, reminiscing, planning and dreaming for our futures.

The girls are going to spend Christmas Eve having dinner with their dad and I am going to church with friends and to a party afterwards. We are spending Christmas day at our place and then dinner at my girlfriend’s parents’ farm. We haven’t discussed New Year’s Eve but we have options.

I feel like 2017 is going to be an amazing year!

I hope that everyone has a Merry Christmas and enjoys the holidays.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, deceitfulness, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, narcissism

Early Onset Alzheimer’s

My oldest daughter messaged me today stating that she thought her dad had early onset Alzheimer’s disease.

Her dad told her that he had given her tax information to his accountant to prepare her 2015 tax return. He told her that she was getting a $750 refund. When she followed up with him asking if the refund had been received, he said that he never did anything with her tax information.

I actually asked David in the summer for information from my daughter’s tax return as she needed to know what amount was input on line 150 of her return for her student loan application. David responded saying he input $0 on that line. This would be a false claim because my daughter did work and this is an income reporting line. He said that he wasn’t able to find her T1 to report any income. He said he searched through all his mail and as it was likely less than $700 he reported the line as $0.

I also had requested a copy of her tax return so she had a copy for her records and as I suspected he claimed her tuition amount. I had asked for all her school expense information as he used her entire RESP to cover her first year of university expenses. I told him that was not just his to claim as I had contributed equally to that investment as well as the fact that I have issues not only with him accessing the RESP without me but for spending it irresponsibly. He advised me that he didn’t claim her tuition but that the accountant filed our daughter’s return and had her claim it.

I asked for a copy of her return so we could verify the information she was reporting on her student loan application was accurate and not just going by his word. He never sent it.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: cheating