adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, other woman, separatiion

How “The Other Woman” Thinks: Part II

I was very disappointed to learn that the wife of a couple, who my ex and I have known for about 20 years, cheated on her husband.  They have 3 kids ages 16 to 22.  Her husband had to drive to another city to find her and bring her home. They are separated and the husband lives with their youngest daughter.  The other 2 children go to college. Their son wants nothing to do with his mother and refused to celebrate Christmas with her.

What was shocking and interesting at the same time to me was that the cheating wife said that there is no one that will ever love her like her husband does and she hopes that in 3 years they can remarry. That instantly flashed me back to a May 2013 phone conversation with my ex where he said, 2 1/2 months post separation, that he would need to be gone for a year and then he would come back.  What fantasy land do these cheaters live in?

The betrayed husband of this couple had the same reaction that I did towards my ex.  He wants nothing to do with her.  And like most spouses of cheaters, he too was left to handle all the responsibilities of real life. He is still friendly with her and he pays her spousal support with no court order telling him to do so.  He also is paying for all of the children’s expenses and taking care of the full needs of their youngest daughter. His expenses are about $6000 US/month and he will not be able to maintain this but this is the sad reality of these situations.

Cheaters possess a selfish, escape from reality need to seek some instant gratifying, ego-stroking attention that leads them to a place they think they can return from when they are ready and everyone will just wait and be thrilled they are back.  They seek some band aid  cover up to whatever they are too emotionally immature to communicate or comprehend on any deep level. To me, it mimics high school infatuation where kids jump from one relationship to the next based on feelings and hormones.

So in follow up to my blog post “How the Other Woman thinks Part I” I went to Janice Andrews Twitter account to share 10 recent retweets (because she has no original thought of her own) to learn how her thinking aligns with that of a cheater.  It sounds exactly like she has the insight and life experience of a teenager where love is based in fantasy, not real life.

January 10, 2018:

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” J.S. Park

December 30, 2017: here’s your reminder list of cute things:
• you
• also you
• hey look you
• and you
• wait wait wait
• you
• you’re cute

December 3, 2017:

“I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable – only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.”

November 20, 2017:

“Choose people who choose you.”

November 21, 2017: 

“excuse me. I just wanted. to. remind you. that. this love I have. is for you.”

November 21, 2017:

“Magic is believing in yourself. If you can do that you can make anything happen.”–Goethe

November 21, 2017:

“Just be like a child. Embrace your ignorance. Love unconditionally. And don’t take anything too seriously. Especially yourself.”

November 22, 2017:

“Don’t get stuck in what might have been. It prevents you from going after what might become.”

November 22, 2017:

“You are a warrior and these are your weapons: kindness, gentleness, patience, presence, understanding, peace, love, restraint.”

November 15, 2017: “21 ways to keep her”

  1. Text her back as soon as you see her messages
  2. Don’t lie to her
  3. Don’t let her fall asleep without telling her you love her
  4. Don’t let her fall asleep mad
  5. Don’t make stupid mistakes
  6. Call her and say you love her at least once a week
  7. Make time for her
  8. Don’t get mad at her for dumb things
  9. If you have a reason to be mad at her then talk about it and work it through
  10. Listen to her, anything she says is important
  11. Remind her of how beautiful she looks when she smiles
  12. Don’t build walls between you two
  13. Trust her enough to tell her how you really feel
  14. Make her remember she is yours every time you kiss her
  15. Show her songs, poems, anything that reminds you of her
  16. Call her baby, babe, beautiful, etc. all the time
  17. Don’t break her heart
  18. Hold her hand in public no matter who is looking
  19. Don’t take her for granted
  20. Be spontaneous when you take her out
  21. Love her with every breath of your existence

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, lying, marriage

How “the other woman” Thinks: Part I

I often wonder about what would make another woman justify in her mind that it is okay to sleep with a married man.

I am sure most women have experienced flirting and come-ons from men in committed relationships.  I find it is the most repugnant characteristic.  There is nothing about that behavior that makes me think, “Yes, you are the man I want to be with.”  I don’t find it flattering, it doesn’t make me think I am better than his wife in any way, it doesn’t make me feel desirable.  It only makes me think, “Creep. I feel sorry for your wife. She deserves better.”

I am a woman so I am trying to understand another woman’s thinking.  Janice Andrews was either pursued by my husband or she pursued him.  They each conveyed somehow to each other that even though we are married (Janice was living with her spouse in a 12-year common-law marriage), we are open and available to each other.

I hold my ex husband 100% responsible for straying and for leading Janice Andrews astray regardless of the semantics of how it all began.  He knew better. He studied the bible shortly after we married, was baptized as an adult, vowed to follow Jesus, lead ministries and studied the bible with other men, counseling them in their lives and marriages. He saw the consequences first hand of marriages destroyed by infidelity. He knew the pain caused to families and the struggle for relationships to continue after cheating.

At some point though he began to live a lie to pursue cheating himself.  It was before he met Janice because after discovering his affair with her I searched deeper.  I found that his pursuit of an affair had started at least a year before we moved to British Columbia. That was 4 years before he began to work with Janice. Even though he was clearly professing his love and lust for Janice to her via texts, he was at the same time flirting and making plans with other women as well.   He was casting out his net.   Initially, at least, he wasn’t going to be limited just because he caught fish Janice.  But what made her bite?

Janice’s own retweet of DeAndre Page from November 16, 2017 may offer an explanation: “think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”  It is the Law of Attraction. Whatever vibe he was putting out, she was lured.  She seems to have been putting out the same vibe with her willingness to cheat on her spouse.  Maybe deception vibes run on a different frequency path than loyal and faithful vibes.  After all, Satan knows how to light things up to make it look and feel more exciting than God’s promises.

Let’s explore other thoughts from Janice that could provide some insight into a mind that might need to try and justify her need to feed her own desires over consideration of the lives of other people.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, family, father/daughter, loss, Love, marriage, marriage breakdown, parenting after separation, unfaithfulness

Mr. Lakusu Stories

My 20-year old daughter posted this on her Facebook page on February 13.  She was home this weekend and asked me if I saw it.  I am not on Facebook very often and told her I had not.  She said that her dad did. He messaged her and asked her what the post was all about.  She said she felt it was important that people don’t take people for granted and that they are appreciated for all they do.  He apparently replied that it was a good message.  It certainly sounds like the story of our family.  If it resonates with my ex–good:

“I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

“HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.

#Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu”

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, other woman, separatiion

The Creepy Doll says it All

It is next to impossible to avoid the reminder that your husband had an affair with another woman (Janice Andrews) and left you, your children, your finances and your life in one big mess!

My daughter and I were at a dance competition yesterday. One of the competitors performed a Lyrical Jazz routine to Kelly Clarkson’s emotional song, ‘Piece by Piece’.  The words are a reminder that my child has a dad who left.  Kelly Clarkson said, in one interview that I read by Alyse Whitney, that she was thinking after having her daughter, “How could anyone walk away from that?” I wonder that myself a lot.  We had a great life; a great family together.

My daughter and I also just went to see the movie “The Greatest Showman”. There is a scene where P.T. Barnum leaves his wife and 2 daughters behind to travel with a female singer. His daughters run behind his carriage after him and he doesn’t turn around.  His place is empty at the table and he is absent from the theatre where his daughter fulfills her dream of ballet dancing. He leaves his wife to do everything including raising his girls. My daughter and I talked about the scene after and she said she did think of the parallel to our situation.  She ended up seeing the movie twice.  Happy endings are hopeful and she said she had to hold her hands together to keep from clapping.

Today, while watching ‘The View’ as they talked about women who throw themselves on married men, I received information about Janice Andrew’s Twitter Account.  I don’t have a Twitter account but every now then someone feels the need to share the irony of something that Janice retweets about love or being kind in this world or some other airy, fairy idealization about how life should be lived with no concept of her creating a life with actions that are the complete opposite to her dreamlike façade.

My contact started out by saying it is no surprise she likes porn (the quote was from a site called Poems Porn). It was a retweet (the other woman apparently has no original tweets) of a quote from JS Park:

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.”

Then the contact tried to dissect this:  “Does she think she has real love with your ex or did she think it was real while she was screwing a man who went back and screwed his wife after? Does she think Dave is capable of real love towards her or anyone for that matter? Does she think his love to you and your kids wasn’t real? Does she think cheating and going after a married man or him going after her when she is married is real love? Did she have a fake love relationship with her spouse? Does she realize she isn’t her best by behaving this way or is she acknowledging he certainly isn’t at his best? Is she directing this quote to Dave telling him he isn’t at his best and he is the mess or is she sharing this quote to Dave to try to convince him that he really loves her because she isn’t at her best as she is just a mess. Maybe she just wants him to believe she can be better as she isn’t at he best yet or she wants to believe that he will be better.”

My response.  “Who cares what she thinks.  It seems to be an acknowledgement though that it is not an ideal relationship because at least one of them isn’t at their best and there is mess but she wants to bundle it under the guise of “real love” to make it all seem okay.”

The fact is, they both created a mess that I am still cleaning up and my kids are trying to step over or around! If they want to label it “real love” that is their deception.  What they did and continue to do is not love.  Whatever they have together; it isn’t real.  It isn’t love.

If you have a Twitter Account and would like to follow the loving and inspirational thoughts of Janice Andrews she can be reached at Agnus@smeepsmeep.  Smeep was the name, by the way, my ex had her listed as in his phone.  My contact asked about that contact name.  My contact suggested it stands for “Sucking married erections (while) enjoying porn.” Agnus apparently is the name of her doll that she pictures on her account. I think she is confusing the spelling with Agnes and Anus. My contact suggested that the “creepy” doll says it all.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, unfaithfulness

Handling Hoes like Janice Andrews

I was working around the house this morning and ‘The View’ was on the television.  They were talking about some woman getting “handsy” with Jay Z and how Beyoncé reacted.  I started listening when they began to talk about what they would do when a woman is trying to engage with their husband while they are present.  They were saying how rude and disrespectful any woman would be to do that with a married man in general and especially with the wife present but sure enough they all had examples. What is it that makes these women think it is acceptable and justifiable to beg for attention from married men? It made me recall how Janice Andrews didn’t leave my husband’s side at their office Christmas party in December 2012 while I was there with hime (2 months before I found out about their affair).

I copied this from http://www.complex.com/music in relation to what the women on the View were discussing:

“During an interlude for Beyoncé’s iconic anthem “Formation,” Big Freedia’s voice is heard proclaiming, “I did not come to play with you hoes, haha. I came to slay, bitch.” This line echoes the authority embedded in Lemonade, and serves as a reminder that Queen Bey is not here to play with anyone when it comes to her work, her family, and especially her husband Jay Z.

Apparently one actress did not get that message, according to a story told to TV One by comedian Tiffany Haddish. In an interview for the network’s new series Uncensored, the Girls Trip star recalls an instance where she witnessed Beyoncé Knowles-Carter politely check an actress for putting her hands on Jay.”

Tiffany Haddish shares:

“I go to a Jay Z concert, and I get invited to the after party,” Haddish says. “Beyoncé just walks right up to me and she goes ‘Hi, I’m Beyoncé,’ and I’m like, ‘I know who you are girl! You are so talented!’”

Shortly after meeting the queen, Haddish was talking to Jay Z and another actress when said actress decided to put her hand on Hov. “She touched Jay Z’s chest, and Beyoncé came walking up like, ‘Biiiittcchhhh,” Haddish says, clarifying she didn’t actually use that word but “her demeanor and her body from the way she walked up on her was like, ‘Get your hand off my man’s chest.’”

Haddish explains that Bey then decided to have a polite conversation with the actress, but hints that the story didn’t stop there. “She started talking to that actress,” Haddish says. “Some other stuff happened, but I ain’t gonna say nothing yet.”

The article sums it up:

“I’d like to know which actress has the nerve to lay a finger on Jay after everything Bey went through to give us Lemonade. It’s unclear when or if we’ll hear the details Haddish left out, because as we know the Knowles-Carter family is extremely secretive. There’s one thing that’s certain though: Yoncé is still not here to play with you hoes.”

Hmmm, I really thought I had a husband with more integrity and love for me, his children and God.  I didn’t think I needed to check any of his coworkers for their lack of a moral compass.  Should I have? I really should have had the conversation with my husband at that time.

I wonder now if Janice has to live the way Beyoncé has to live.  When you know your man is a cheat there is no security.  Fame, fortune, talent–doesn’t matter. There is no protection against hoes except for a better man.

 

 

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abuse of power, adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, separatiion

Times Up!

I watch the news and feel the world.
The emaciated polar bear; the near extinction of Right Whales, the Rohingya Muslims brutalized in Myanmar, the 2 little girls in Oak Bay killed by their father on Christmas Day, their mother who tried to fight in court that it wasn’t in her 4 and 6 year-old daughters’ best interest to be with their dad and the judge who ruled that they should continue a relationship with him. The poached elephants killed only for their tusks and in my area Elk that came down from the snowy mountains only to be shot for sport and left to die. Teenagers shooting up a cat with drugs and then shaving it and tattooing it and posting it on Facebook. A man who randomly killed a stranger just to post the killing on Facebook. Mass shootings. Migrants drowned and trapped. Wars. Homeless people, gang wars, overdoses, children raped and killed and thrown in the trash, children chained for years to furniture and torched, starved by their own parents, racism and stray dogs on the Prairies freezing to death just to name a few of the recent stories that stick to my being.
I believe that the energy we create in our thoughts that ignites and moves us to act on feelings and emotions in our own life spills over into the earth. We are all energy and I think the earth reacts to how we treat it and how we think and care for everything created to live on this earth alongside us. I swear the weather disasters we experienced so much of this year are fueled by us; what we say and do and how we feel. The world is churning up the severest hurricanes, earthquakes, wildfires, mudslides, floods and temperature extremes because it reflects back to us what we put out.

The state of my life as a result of my husband’s affair, another woman, separation and trying to get a divorce with a fair and legal settlement feels like the state of the world.
I feel the injustice. I feel the lack of control, the lack of care and I feel the instability. I feel the loss. I feel the cruelty, the selfishness, the hatred, the pain, the helplessness, the senselessness, desperation, fear and the sheer consequences of one person’s poor choice rippling over so many other lives, for what? Because a couple of selfish people acted on what felt fun or good and gave them some feeling of reward.
The “Time’s Up” movement is like an uprising response to all of these events. It speaks of an imbalance of power where people impose their will on others for their own selfish desires and tries to silence victims by threats, lies, more abuse, ostracization, punishment, rejection, ruin, etc.
It feels the same in the world of affairs, separation, and divorce. The perpetrator deceives, threatens, abuses, ignores laws and contracts and agreements, and does whatever they want because they get away with it. The victim has no value. To receive justice is so difficult, exhausting, time consuming, lengthy and unfairly expensive.
I hope the results of the “Me Too” and “Times Up” movement that now turns the table on the perpetrators spills over into all other areas of injustice . Punishment cams swiftly to those outed. It is a life-sentence. Ruined careers, relationships, reputations, money, opportunity, etc.; the very things that gave these people their power, gets stripped away. Perpetrators can’t hide because their victims are talking and being believed and the truth is being corroborated by others. Momentum is building. Hypocrisy won’t protect
you.
We need to be very careful how we treat all life on this planet and my ex should start being careful about how he is treating me and his children. I have always stood up to him. He couldn’t silence my blog with police involvement, trolling and spreading lies and gossip about me on my blog, in his office, to friends, family, the community and our children.
There has been an awareness shift and a cry for action. I hope the results carry into the collective news stories, calmer weather and my life . I feel hopeful.

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adultery, affair, cheating, children, dance, divorce, ex spouse, father/daughter, parenting after separation, separatiion, single parent

Fifteen–The age to stop showing your child you care

My 15-year old daughter has a week of open house at her dance studio where we can go in and watch her classes.  The warm up,  the technical exercises, the teaching method, the relationship between the dancers and the dancers and teacher gives you an appreciation of the work ethic, attitude, skill and effort it takes to put a dance together.

The Company group that she is involved with holds a fundraiser at this time; the dance studio provides coffee, tea and treats; and they take up a collection for coats and food for the local food bank.  It is a great way to build community and to get to know my daughter’s friends, the parents of the friends that she spends the majority of her time with every week and her teachers.

I went to every one of her open house classes. I took photos and video. I contributed to the treats, volunteered to clean up one night and set up the coffee room another day.  I helped sell popcorn for the fundraiser.

I know my ex gets the emails and information about the events at the studio and he has attended at least one of her classes during open house in the past.  There is only one more day left this dance season for my ex to see our daughter in class. I asked her if he was going to attend. Her response was a look and, “What do you think?”  She continued, “He said he didn’t understand why parents of kids my age would go to open houses especially when they will see the dance 5000 times.”

I have not been the only parent attending her classes. After she told me what her dad said I counted at the next class–9 dancers (2 were absent at a school Xmas band concert), 10 people watching both dads and moms and one sibling. Regarding the 2 kids missing–I sat beside the dad and mom of one dancer the previous night so I am sure they would have been there if she was dancing.  The other dancer at the Xmas concert had a mom who was so sick. The mom texted me that she couldn’t go to the band concert (her dad was going) because she would be coughing all the way through it and she didn’t want to ruin the performance for everyone. She texted that she definitely shouldn’t be a the studio either but her other daughter wanted her to see her dance (especially since her dad was going to be at the concert) so she was going to pop in for a bit.  I watched parents split up and take turns dividing their time in each class when they had more than one child dancing.

There is another group of dancers my daughter’s age that run parallel classes. Their ballet and jazz classes are too big so they created 2 separate classes.  Others take classes that my daughter dropped–Hip Hop and Musical Theatre.  I saw parents of those 15-year olds going into their classes as well.

I  know parents have commitments and may not be able to make it but there was a lot of support for 15-year old children.   It is nice to know that the majority seem to believe there is no age limit to your children benefiting from feeling like their parents love and support them and care about what they are doing.

My ex will not get to see our daughter dance any of the dances she is learning in these classes until March. The open house isn’t about watching the dance. They spent the last 2 minutes showing us the dance they are working on but those aren’t even completed yet. In her ballet class they performed a Xmas Nutcracker dance they worked on specifically for the open house.

Anything can happen. Living in the now is all we have.  It is just more insight into my ex’s thinking–“I will support you in 3 months time but not right now. Maybe if you were younger you would get my time now.”  Although history proved that wasn’t reality either.

 

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abuse of power, adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, the other woman

The Silence Breakers

While my husband was still working for the competitor of the place he is now employed, he told me a story.

He was at an industry event.  He noticed that one of the male partners of another adjusting company (where he now works) was holding up a female coworker.  He said that she was so wasted she could barely stand.  He told me that it was a horrible reflection on this company and that the male partner should have put this female employee in a cab and sent her home.

Fast forward to him now working at this company with the two male partners.  My husband was hired to eventually take over from the one partner, who was holding up the incapacitated female staffer, when he retired.

My husband came home one night to tell me that the female employee, who he noticed at this industry event as extremely inebriated, had a lawsuit against his company.  She was alleging that the night he witnessed her in this condition, she was raped by another employee.  He shared details that were quite horrific. She never returned to work after that night.

He told me that the party had apparently started on the other partner’s boat that afternoon.  I don’t recall how many people he said were on the boat or if they were all coworkers.  The party moved from the boat to the place where my husband saw her walk in.  Apparently after that event she was taken back to the boat and raped.  The employee being accused of the rape denied it and said nothing happened between him and this coworker.

I had been on that boat with my husband and our 2 children shortly after he was hired.  It had 2 bedrooms.  I hated the way my husband acted that night and I was embarrassed by his behavior as a new employee and also in front of our children.  He got so drunk he fell into the ocean while trying to get into a Zodiac to take us back to shore.  I also had to pull the car over for him to throw up on our way back home.  He became a totally different person on that boat and I thought if he was trying to impress his new “partner-to-be” he was doing a terrible job.

There was another couple who joined us on the boat at some point during that day.  Months later, my husband would come home to tell me that the husband of that couple we met was waiting to hear if he was the father of some girl he had fooled around with who got pregnant. It was between him and another guy.  It turned out to not be his but again, I remember feeling incredibly sad for the wife of this man and thinking who are these men that are now in my husband’s life?

My husband relayed several other boat stories in the year and a half before I found out about his own affair with a coworker.  He shared many sexual stories about the partner who is the boat owner. He shared how his partner would leave topless photos of his wife on his camera and then give the memory card to their secretary to sort through and see them all.  My husband described “swinging” parties on the boat and I remember telling him that he better make sure he is never on that boat without me.

My husband came home again to tell me that the employee who was being accused of the rape had initially given a statement denying the entire event.  He initially said that nothing happened between him and this female coworker. Now, my husband reported, he changed his statement.  He said that his version was now that this female employee performed oral sex on him and that was all that happened.  My husband told me that no one at the office believed him and that it did not look good that he now changed his story. My husband told me that this employee was a husband with a baby on the way.

As far as the female employee, my husband said that she was apparently “mentally unstable” and that she had slept with the partner who owned the boat at one point while she was married.  This was going to be their defense.

With the current ‘#Me too Movement’ this seems so similar to many other stories.  There was no protection of the female employee.  She was left in a vulnerable condition and environment and placed in that position during a work event.  The male employee was believed and protected and the female employee was left having to find other employment.  She was being shamed and blamed in her office by her bosses.  She had worked there a long time and it makes no sense that she would just abandon her job with no other job to go to and not give proper notice.  Something obviously happened.

It is alleged that a date rape drug was used and she only had one drink.  She apparently doesn’t even recall being at the event where my husband saw her.

Apparently, the partner who owns the boat and who had a sexual relationship with this subordinate female,  had a clause in his contract that says if he sleeps with any other employees in their office he loses his company shares.  If this is true, there was a very serious known problem with the work environment he created.

This is the environment my husband now works.  I remember, and I think I have blogged about this before, my husband coming home and saying, “I don’t know he gets away with talking to women like he does.”  It was like my husband admired it.  Well, he gets away with it because men, like my husband, witness this and instead of calling him on it praise him and envy him for it and then emulate it.

Obviously Janice Andrews, who contributes to the environment by sleeping with married men and cheating on her husband, knew about the rape.  When I told her husband about his wife having an affair with my husband the first thing he said to me was, “Is he the guy who raped (name of victim)?”  Who knows, maybe Janice herself is a victim of the environment where she works. Maybe she was afraid she would lose her job if she didn’t participate with my husband.

Mehgan McCain on The View today said it best, “Any man who is screwing around at work anymore you better start running because this isn’t a good time for you.”

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce

I know, it has been awhile…

I am so tired of my continued, frustrating situation with my ex and the way it has ruined me financially that I don’t even want to be reminded by writing it into words. However, I committed to documenting my experience with infidelity and the consequences on the lives of me, my children,  which includes the consequence for my ex, the other woman, family, friends and those we encounter along the way.  So after a pause, I am back.
Like anything we commit to and then abandon, the longer we leave it unattended, the harder it is to return.  Our marriages can crumble in the same way an exercise regime or healthy eating plan get tossed aside. You turn away from your spouse and start engaging with other people, in other activities that seem more fun than your daily responsibilities and obligations.  You chose to invest your time away from God, your spouse, family and home and suddenly the goal of what anyone who gets married strives for–building a healthy, loving, happy, supportive, successful family–turns into “I care only about doing what I want and my family is no longer important.”
I ran a half marathon in 2013 and 2014.  It was 8 1/2 months of training to be strong enough to be able to perform and complete that distance. It involved training 3 and 4 times/week; 5 kilometer races, 10 kilometer races and then building up the distance and time.  Some days I felt great and looked forward to meeting my run group.  Other days I walked or even limped my way and there were times I just endured.  I knew though I couldn’t bail on one of those sessions no matter how much I didn’t want to go because if I stopped it would only make things worse for me in the long run.  I would stop building and start staying stagnant or losing what I had built.  I was so happy when I crossed that finish line. I was so proud of myself and saw all of the benefits in my experience and ability to persevere.
I took 3 months off after each half marathon and did zero running. I always felt dread going back again because it was like starting from scratch. I had blisters, sore muscles, stiff knees, and I couldn’t keep up with the group.  I had chaffing under my boobs and my inner thighs and my lungs were on fire. It was hard but that is one of the reasons why I chose this activity. The challenge was worth it and I love how strong I feel when I am back training.  I am not an natural runner or athlete but I am building something very valuable in my character, in my body and in my life.
In 2015 my focus was on preparing our home to sell and getting rid of everything we accumulated over 23 years.  It was so much work and draining on every level. I had no time or desire to run.
In 2016 the melanoma diagnosis with it’s 3 surgeries and the downtime required afterwards kept me away from running for 6 months until I was cleared.  I also had to find a new place to live and undergo another move. I tried to start up running again on my own afterwards but running outside of the group support was hard and going back after a 9 month break was difficult.  Then my daughter made Team Canada and her practices were on my long run day.  My ex no longer was picking up our daughter on my run clinic night so I had to get her instead.  I wasn’t good at going out on my own in the rainy season when it was dark at night and dark in the morning.
I went back to my run group again this year but it hasn’t been easy.  Now I wasn’t 3 months or even 9 months behind, I was a year behind. I had to find other people to drive my daughter home from dance or I had to leave her at the studio for 45 minutes after she finished with the stress of the studio closing before I got there to pick her up.  I knew she just wanted to get home; her friends had left, she was tired, had homework to do and was hungry.  I still did it.  I ran two 10ks this year but I have already missed the first week of half marathon practice.  If I leave it any longer, it won’t happen.  When I don’t make things happen I feel guilt, stress, weight gain, etc. and I feel like there is not point in continuing to run at all.
It is this balance of decision making between what is right for us at the time, what moves us towards our long term goal and what decision will have the best consequences for us in the moment and in the long run.  Choosing what seems like the easiest path now is not always the best thing for us in the long run.  Choosing the difficult path is not always wise either. Life is supposed to be enjoyable and sometimes we unnecessarily make it more difficult and set ourselves up to fail because we aren’t being realistic or discerning enough.   Timing, patience, and day to day factors make mindful living much easier said than done.  God and the support of other people are always what gets me through and helps me to trust I am where I need to be right now and choosing what is right.
Once again I am faced with another melanoma diagnosis.  I had the surgery last week. I  have to move residence yet again and I should be back in court on August 9 asking the judge to enforce the signed promises my ex made in our mediation agreement.  My older daughter has been back from school living with me since the end of April.  She is working and struggling in her search to find a place to live in Vancouver for her 3rd year at university.  The housing crisis in that city is making me believe she needs to transfer back to Uvic and finish her last 2 years here. Thankfully her legal issues resolved.  Finances as always are a huge struggle for us.  My younger daughter had a very successful school year and dance season.  She won many awards and even some scholarship money. My kids and I have a very close relationship.  Our struggles together have not been easy but we are learning so much about each other and about what is important in life.
There is always something that can distract us from what is important. I actually started this post 5 days ago and I can’t manage to pull my thoughts together and get it completed. I am sure my ex battled with this same concept before cheating.  He had left all his friends and family back in Ontario, he left the church behind and stopped going to church out here, he starting building a new business and new friendships and didn’t include me and the girls in those relationships and stopped coming to events with friends we built together. He started partying more, staying out longer, not coming home for dinner, traveling, not doing anything to help out around the house, picking fights with me, etc.  HIs chose for himself, not his family.  It is much harder to be the one left behind to make right decisions for 3 people and 3 pets than the one who gets to be free to do whatever he wants. But I would much rather be me in my situation than he in his.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, faith, God, infidelity

I Just Saw Ugly

I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition.  We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.

I looked at him while he was talking to her.  There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex.  He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.

What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband.  We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved.  I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family.  We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him.  I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.

What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then.  It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough.  He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation.  The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit.  Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off.  He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special.  I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.

It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’.    It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way.  He has acne scars, large ears and a big head.  I never saw those things.  It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.

There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.

 

 

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