adultery, affair, Betrayal, Christianity, divorce, Healing, melanoma, separation, unfaithfulness

Physically Challenged Summer

I moved yet again on August 1, 2017. Three moves in two years–exhausting, stressful and expensive. My landlord wanted to do some renovations to the place I had been living in order to add an extra suite to his home and he was also considering selling. He informed me as well that he would need to raise my rent from $1750 to a yet undetermined amount for what was really a 2-bedroom basement suite and a tiny extra room with no window that housed my older daughter’s single bed and a desk and computer.

I had met a male friend in February who was not enjoying condo living and sharing walls. The only way both of us could get more space for less money was to rent a home together. We researched what was available, included my kids in the process, included God and prayer in the process and feel like the perfect place for us was provided.

Just prior to our move I had to have my melanoma surgery on the left side of my back. My new friend is a trauma paramedic so they allowed him to come into the surgery room and be with me for the procedure. He said he was shocked at how much they had to cut. One centimeter around the cancer site and one centimeter deep. This melanoma had a deeper root than my last one so it required an additional 5 mm cut than around the cancer site than what was required for the one on my right arm last year. It doesn’t seem like a lot until they draw it out on your back and you realize it isn’t a cm straight line but a circle. My friend said the chunk they took was large enough to BBQ.

The requirement after that was no lifting or carrying for 2 weeks. Because my new roommate saw how serious the surgery was he was very protective and strict with me that obey orders and not pull stitches or cause damage or impede healing. Not at all ideal when you are trying to move. My kids and my older daughter’s boyfriend along with 3 of his friends were invaluable to me during this time. My new roommate and his son and girlfriend also made sure we got moved in. Although, we are still in the process of actually emptying our moving boxes. My roommate ended up having his own health issues. It became a stark realization that if anything happened to either of us, the other would not be able to afford to continue to live in our new place. One day at time living without ruminating about the past or projecting worry and doubt about the future is how I am learning to live. Trusting God will provide and direct is all I can do.

Just when my 2 weeks were up and I was able to start to use both arms again to lift and carry, the very next day I was bit by a Bull Mastiff. This 200 lb animal fractured my left hand. My dog was being attacked and if I had not intervened I am convinced my dog would be dead. I had to have emergency surgery with pins as my 5th metacarpal was displaced and it was an opened wound. All of the puncture wounds were opened up further and irrigated. I had stitches and was prescribed antibiotics and painkillers.

I just had the pins taken out yesterday and started at the Hand Therapy Clinic today. It will still be another 2 to 3 weeks before I can lift and carry with my left hand but I am so excited to be out of the cast and have the pins out. After one treatment at the Hand Clinic today I am amazed that I am able to type with both hands (part of my homework). It is difficult and a little painful but I am doing it.

I feel like with everything that has happened to me and with all the unrest in the world right now between crazy weather, terrorism, war, nuclear threats, acts of violence/hatred, etc. that I am being prepared for something even more difficult. My world of what I thought was love, peace, comfort, stability and security has been rocked forever with infidelity but now I am undergoing further levels of being toughened up, challenged, changed, and forced to rethink my priorities and purpose for my life. I am not afraid of what is to come. With every circumstance I handle, endure, over-come, let be, or fight I am realizing more and more that my character is real. I am a confident, independent, brave, tough, faithful and loving woman in good times and in hard times.

Photos are hand condition at 2 weeks post surgery getting stitches removed.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce

I know, it has been awhile…

I am so tired of my continued, frustrating situation with my ex and the way it has ruined me financially that I don’t even want to be reminded by writing it into words. However, I committed to documenting my experience with infidelity and the consequences on the lives of me, my children, which includes the consequence for my ex, the other woman, family, friends and those we encounter along the way. So after a pause, I am back.
Like anything we commit to and then abandon, the longer we leave it unattended, the harder it is to return. Our marriages can crumble in the same way an exercise regime or healthy eating plan get tossed aside. You turn away from your spouse and start engaging with other people, in other activities that seem more fun than your daily responsibilities and obligations. You chose to invest your time away from God, your spouse, family and home and suddenly the goal of what anyone who gets married strives for–building a healthy, loving, happy, supportive, successful family–turns into “I care only about doing what I want and my family is no longer important.”
I ran a half marathon in 2013 and 2014. It was 8 1/2 months of training to be strong enough to be able to perform and complete that distance. It involved training 3 and 4 times/week; 5 kilometer races, 10 kilometer races and then building up the distance and time. Some days I felt great and looked forward to meeting my run group. Other days I walked or even limped my way and there were times I just endured. I knew though I couldn’t bail on one of those sessions no matter how much I didn’t want to go because if I stopped it would only make things worse for me in the long run. I would stop building and start staying stagnant or losing what I had built. I was so happy when I crossed that finish line. I was so proud of myself and saw all of the benefits in my experience and ability to persevere.
I took 3 months off after each half marathon and did zero running. I always felt dread going back again because it was like starting from scratch. I had blisters, sore muscles, stiff knees, and I couldn’t keep up with the group. I had chaffing under my boobs and my inner thighs and my lungs were on fire. It was hard but that is one of the reasons why I chose this activity. The challenge was worth it and I love how strong I feel when I am back training. I am not an natural runner or athlete but I am building something very valuable in my character, in my body and in my life.
In 2015 my focus was on preparing our home to sell and getting rid of everything we accumulated over 23 years. It was so much work and draining on every level. I had no time or desire to run.
In 2016 the melanoma diagnosis with it’s 3 surgeries and the downtime required afterwards kept me away from running for 6 months until I was cleared. I also had to find a new place to live and undergo another move. I tried to start up running again on my own afterwards but running outside of the group support was hard and going back after a 9 month break was difficult. Then my daughter made Team Canada and her practices were on my long run day. My ex no longer was picking up our daughter on my run clinic night so I had to get her instead. I wasn’t good at going out on my own in the rainy season when it was dark at night and dark in the morning.
I went back to my run group again this year but it hasn’t been easy. Now I wasn’t 3 months or even 9 months behind, I was a year behind. I had to find other people to drive my daughter home from dance or I had to leave her at the studio for 45 minutes after she finished with the stress of the studio closing before I got there to pick her up. I knew she just wanted to get home; her friends had left, she was tired, had homework to do and was hungry. I still did it. I ran two 10ks this year but I have already missed the first week of half marathon practice. If I leave it any longer, it won’t happen. When I don’t make things happen I feel guilt, stress, weight gain, etc. and I feel like there is not point in continuing to run at all.
It is this balance of decision making between what is right for us at the time, what moves us towards our long term goal and what decision will have the best consequences for us in the moment and in the long run. Choosing what seems like the easiest path now is not always the best thing for us in the long run. Choosing the difficult path is not always wise either. Life is supposed to be enjoyable and sometimes we unnecessarily make it more difficult and set ourselves up to fail because we aren’t being realistic or discerning enough. Timing, patience, and day to day factors make mindful living much easier said than done. God and the support of other people are always what gets me through and helps me to trust I am where I need to be right now and choosing what is right.
Once again I am faced with another melanoma diagnosis. I had the surgery last week. I have to move residence yet again and I should be back in court on August 9 asking the judge to enforce the signed promises my ex made in our mediation agreement. My older daughter has been back from school living with me since the end of April. She is working and struggling in her search to find a place to live in Vancouver for her 3rd year at university. The housing crisis in that city is making me believe she needs to transfer back to Uvic and finish her last 2 years here. Thankfully her legal issues resolved. Finances as always are a huge struggle for us. My younger daughter had a very successful school year and dance season. She won many awards and even some scholarship money. My kids and I have a very close relationship. Our struggles together have not been easy but we are learning so much about each other and about what is important in life.
There is always something that can distract us from what is important. I actually started this post 5 days ago and I can’t manage to pull my thoughts together and get it completed. I am sure my ex battled with this same concept before cheating. He had left all his friends and family back in Ontario, he left the church behind and stopped going to church out here, he starting building a new business and new friendships and didn’t include me and the girls in those relationships and stopped coming to events with friends we built together. He started partying more, staying out longer, not coming home for dinner, traveling, not doing anything to help out around the house, picking fights with me, etc. HIs chose for himself, not his family. It is much harder to be the one left behind to make right decisions for 3 people and 3 pets than the one who gets to be free to do whatever he wants. But I would much rather be me in my situation than he in his.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, faith, God, infidelity

I Just Saw Ugly

I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition. We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.

I looked at him while he was talking to her. There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex. He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.

What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband. We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved. I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family. We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him. I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.

What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then. It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough. He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation. The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit. Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off. He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special. I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.

It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’. It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way. He has acne scars, large ears and a big head. I never saw those things. It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.

There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.

abuse, adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, divorce, infidelity

Rough Rebound

My neighbour invited me out before Christmas. It might have even been October or November but I was busy and not really interested. After his first instigation, he followed it up with things like, “You have a great smile” and I can’t even remember what else he said to me but I would just say, “Thank you” and leave it at that. Then he found me on Facebook. He said he was surprised he found me without knowing my last name but it was the first profile that popped up. I never did approve his friend request but he was there when things ended with Gordon so I agreed to go to one of the pubs in our neighbourhood for wings and beer.

It was an easy date. The conversation flowed freely and it was fun and light-hearted. I liked that he is friends with his ex who also lives in the area. He goes over regularly to her place to pick up their dog for walks and lets himself in with a hidden key, with her permission. He spends time regularly with his daughter and son and had just spent $800 buying his daughter knew glasses earlier than his 2 year medical plan allowed because her prescription had changed so drastically over a 4-month period. He said he paid his ex more spousal than she had asked for because he didn’t think it was enough and they had no legal intervention. He just seemed to do what was right. His older daughter went to school with my daughter for 4 years although my daughter was in the English program and his was in the French program so they only knew of each other. My younger daughter is at the same school as his younger son. We have a couple of friends in common. We walk our dogs at the same park.

The commonality was also a negative for me. I didn’t like that he knew where I lived. I never did allow him to come to my house to pick me up, drop me off or come in. I kind of regretted that he knew my typical morning routine and that I had to drive by his place almost every day.

We went out for dinner and lunches maybe 4 more times after our first date. I went to his place a couple of times and we watched movies. We also met at the park to walk our dogs.

What I noticed the first date was that he had a bit of an edge. I couldn’t label it initially. He described himself as “opinionated” but to me it was more negative than just having a strong opinion. Then it crept into conversations more as he let his guard down. He seemed to have a beef with a lot of people including family, friends and coworkers. He made a comment that only one of his wife’s friends still talked to him. It made me wonder what he did to make his wife’s friends dislike him so much. He swore he was never unfaithful. He also told me that the husband of one of our mutual friends would turn away if he saw him. Another red flag when men don’t seem to like him either.

I am close friends with the local mechanic. I know him and his wife personally and I trust him professionally to service my vehicle. So when my new neighbour/date told me to have nothing to do with the guy because he would rip me off I knew his view was jaded and I told him my experience. I have referred lots of people to his auto body and I have never heard any negative complaint. I even know the other mechanic that works for him and am friends with his mother. They are so knowledgeable, love vehicles, have a strong faith in God so I am confident in their advice as being for me and not for them.

My neighbour/date knew the servers and bar tenders in the pub and they knew him by name. I wondered how much of a drinker he was although when we were together he didn’t have more than 2 beers. One night we split a bottle of wine. When we went for sushi he ordered tea for us so he didn’t always need to drink. He did drunk text me a couple of times.

One day when we were walking our dogs together my dog stopped in front of him. He commented about how annoying that was to him. When my dog did it again he grabbed me by the shoulders and moved me over to where he was walking, switching sides with me saying that if my dog was going to do that he could do it to me and not him. I nudged him back jokingly, trying to lighten his mood, telling him he almost put me in the snow bank. He then assured me that if he wanted me to be in the snow bank that I would be in the snowbank. I shut down immediately and I would say our relationship never recovered after that.

I met him one last time for dog walking. Not only did he knee my dog when he stopped in front of him but when a stranger’s dog ran over to play with our dogs and in the course of the dog’s excitement knocked into my neighbour, he kicked the dog angrily. I was completely shocked. That was it right then and there. I walked away on a different path than him back to my car. He caught up to me in the open area leading to the parking lot but we said nothing to each other. When I got into my car he said, “I thought I was taking you to lunch.” I told him I had things to do.

He texted a couple of hours later saying, “Sorry about today. I was frustrated. I’m cursed when it comes to other dogs. I almost got knocked over several times.” I didn’t respond. He texted me later telling me to have a good night.

Two days later he showed up at the dog park at 8:00 a.m. during my typical dog walking routine, right after I drop my daughter off at school. I felt a pit in my stomach. He never came to the park at that time. I did not want to see him or talk to him. I was far away and wondered if he even saw me. I noticed his dog first and then saw his orange jacket but he was a distance away. I do think my dog went over to see his dog but I kept walking and pretended I didn’t notice. When I got to my car his truck wasn’t parked there so I was relieved thinking he may not have even saw me.

An hour and half later he texted, “Enjoy your walk?” I felt sick to my stomach. He then said, “Sorry I didn’t stick around to say hello. Not feeling well.” That made two of us. I wasn’t going to respond but then I was almost afraid not to say anything. The problem with us living in the same neighbourhood is that we are bound to run into each other, especially if he was going to be intentional about it. 5 1/2 hours after he texted all I said was that I hoped he was feeling better. He engaged some more saying that he ended up spending the day with his daughter but I did not respond further and I haven’t heard anything from him since. That was 3 days ago and we are just coming off a long weekend. I am going back to my dog walking routine tomorrow and I am just hoping he realizes I am not interested in even being friends so that he stays far away from me.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, dating, divorce, infidelity, loss, Love, moving on, unfaithfulness

Dating and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It has almost been 4 years since I discovered my husband’s affair. It would be an understatement to say that I have been very slow and cautious to re-enter the dating scene. Overly consumed by everything left for me alone to handle, the needs of the kids, the financial concerns, the legal proceedings; dating was just another item on my to-do-list that eventually would need to be checked off but it was not a priority now.

My needs were completely met by safe, adult, male friends. During the first year of my separation, 2013, Rob would come over and sit on my back porch with a fire burning just to talk. He would hang out with me all day when I had garage sales saying he would try to pop by but ended up showing up at 10 a.m. and staying until 5 p.m. and then would go with me to get something to eat afterwards. We would make plans to meet for breakfast at 9:30 that turned into going to the farmer’s market and then just going for a drink on a patio overlooking the ocean and then deciding we really needed some food so we would find a different patio for a 2:00 p.m. lunch. We would meet for lunch at 11:30 and then he would order a couple of desserts that he didn’t want just so we could remain and we would leave the restaurant at 3. Even though I hadn’t seen him really at all last year, he was the last one to leave my surprise 50th birthday party in the summer.

Martin is my fantasy. He entered my life in 2014 through a mutual friend and we have had so much fun together. I would show up at his house to pick him up and he would answer the door with no shirt on. He has the hardest body. I commented that he made 50 look good and he said, “I make 50 look damn good!” We always went to the same restaurant and after discussing what we wanted to eat he would tell the waitress, “My fiancée will have….” And then the waitress would say, “Oh, congratulations!” We would carry on with our pretend story improvising details never sure how the other would respond. We would close down the restaurant. When we went to a comedy club there was a silent auction. He bid on a ballet night with dinner. I mentioned my surprise back at our table with several people listening and he responded, “Darling, I always told you I wanted to take you to the ballet.” He would flirt shamelessly with me and would always invite me in for a hot tub afterwards. I always declined. He said if I ever wanted pillow talk I knew where to find him. He would text me with a beautiful note afterwards making sure I was home safely.

Dan was my golf partner the summer of 2015. We played almost every weekend. We would hang out with mutual friends at BBQ’s and game nights and he would plan day trips for us like going to Saltspring for Apple Fest. He had a very dry sense of humour and was fairly quiet and reserved but he would shock me every now and then by revealing something very personal that was so out of character to what I would have expected from him.

Around this time, my girlfriend mentioned one day, “What do you think of Brian?” I was thinking, and she continued, “He thinks you are very sweet and wondered if you would like to go on a date with him.” I had to ask, “Who is Brian?” “We went for dinner the other night”, she said. “Your Uncle Brian?” I asked incredulously. “Yes”, she said. “He really liked you.” “Your dad’s brother?” I laughed. “My dad’s youngest brother”, she defended. “He’s very successful, has lots of money and is super nice.” “He lives in Vancouver”, I said, “so it won’t work and besides I would have to make you call me, Aunty”. This was also the time another friend said to me, “You really need to start dating for no other reason than to learn about yourself.”

In 2016, I dated 3 men. They were all nice, two were highly successful and they were all okay looking (one was 35 years old!) but after the 3rd date, they ended it with me (although the 35 year old still texts) and one of the other guys sent an email in the summer just asking how I was doing. I always enjoyed my time with each and they planned great dates–The Floathouse; a ghostly walk; beautiful restaurants, dinner on the beach…but I never wanted to take it further. I never let them come to my place, I only kissed them good night and I wouldn’t go back to their place. I still didn’t feel I had the time to invest in a relationship. I would never put a relationship at this point ahead of my 14-year old daughter’s needs and all I wanted was for someone to go out with every now and then. My female friends were really meeting my needs in this area anyways.

So on New Year’s Eve, I declared my New Year’s Resolution to my girlfriend as being that I wasn’t going to date at all in 2017. I was just going to get my divorce finalized, resolve my legal issues, get my place in order and work on me, inside and out, so that I could attract the right person without any negative distractions. Wouldn’t it figure that within the next hour after my declaration this very lovely, 6’2″ man started to talk to me. He was very complimentary and he said that he would like to take me on a horse carriage ride and that if we enjoyed each other’s company that he would like to take me to dinner afterwards. I told him my new year’s resolution. He laughed but wasn’t deterred.

I loved his energy, his smile and his eyes. He was dressed nicely and smelled great. We exchanged phone numbers and talked constantly by phone and text for 2 days. He works shift work and was moving on January 2 into a smaller place that he had just bought but we went to dinner on the 3rd (I told him it was too cold for me to enjoy a carriage ride). We were at the restaurant for 4 hours. I loved his life experience from his search and rescue career leading a jaws of life team and rescue diving to being a dad of 3, owning a car dealership that he couldn’t wait to sell, traveling to every state in the US, being an extra in several popular movies, winning a BBQ contest and getting a cooking segment on a local TV channel, losing everything in the Calgary flood, etc. He seemed to have his values in check. I really was attracted to this man. He told me how great that he thought I was and how he didn’t want our date to be over. After dinner, he walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I loved it. It was hard to stop. He told me that I was a great kisser and that he didn’t want to let me go. He said he felt so comfortable with me and had told me how happy he was that we met. He invited me back to his house and as much as I wanted to go, I did not. He promised he would never put any pressure on me to do anything and that we would always go at my speed.

We got together as much as we could over the next 3 weeks and we talked all the time. He cooked for me or I would bring food to his place. We loved to just stay so we could have our privacy, talk and cuddle and really get to know each other. We would try to watch a movie but we were very distracted by each other. We were both so tired one day that we just fell asleep and it was really nice. He made me feel beautiful, desired, sexy and it was very hard to leave his place.

On Thursday, I was heading back over to his place. He had just come off a string of late, 12-hour shifts but had 3 days off. He had spent his first day off with his son. He wanted to finish getting his house in order from his move and his son offered to help. He spent the day moving things he had dumped in a spare bedroom to storage and then he took his son out to dinner for his son’s birthday. I had told him that Wednesday was the best day for me to spend with him as I had no commitment to pick up my daughter that day but he made plans with his son instead and I understood his need to get his move behind him.

We had 6 hours planned to spend together on Thursday and then he said I had him all of Friday as well. He asked me at noon what I wanted him to cook for dinner and I told him instead that I wanted to take him out to eat. He said that was okay and he would just continue to work until I got to his place (I did have things I wanted to do–yoga, lunch with a girlfriend and letting the dog out before I came over and made these plans because I was sure we were going to have the day before together) He was fine with that though as he had work he wanted to finish.

Just when I was about to leave to go over he texted telling me to wait because he just received a text from his son that he was being picked up by his son and his son’s girlfriend for dinner at 5. He said he texted his son back but wasn’t getting an answer so he was very confused with the text. He said that he still wanted me to come out until he had to go to dinner. I instantly felt sad and texted him telling him that but said I would still come out. During the drive to his place my mind was turning. Why was he going out with his son again and why would he want to go to dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend instead of spending time with me? He spent the whole day with his son yesterday. Why didn’t he cancel with his son and say he was double booked? Why didn’t he invite me to go (he told me he told his son about me)? It was actually his son’s birthday that day and it was his son’s girlfriend’s birthday on the same day. Why would they want his dad there during their celebration? Why would their dad want to be there and not just tell them to enjoy their birthday celebration together? He had already celebrated with his son.

When I got there I had a pit in my stomach and it was hard to swallow. I got to the door and he wasn’t there waiting for me with it open like he usually does so eager to hug and kiss me. I knocked (which I have never had to do) and I was shaking. He yelled at me to come in. I opened the door and he was hurried, coming from down the hall into the kitchen and then doing something on the counter maybe with his change and wallet but I just stood there. He barely looked at me and said, “What a crazy day. I thought the plans with my son were on Friday for dinner…” and then I just burst into tears. He came over to hug me and hold me and I just sobbed into his chest. I don’t remember him saying anything except maybe sorry but I wondered why he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t put my arms around him but had my hands in partial fists at the side of my face. It was when I heard him mention about plans with his son on Friday when he told me that he was spending all of Friday with me that did it. I was shaking and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I am not a crier so I had no idea what was happening. If it is fight or flight, I fight. I have never been one to retreat or run away but I had to get out of there. The energy was weird. I could barely speak but I said I had to leave and I did.

8 hours later I was the one who texted first to see if he was home. He texted back saying he walked in the door 20 minutes earlier and asked if I was okay. I hadn’t seen the earlier text he must have sent during my drive to his place, until after I left in tears, saying that he asked his son if he could come at 6 instead of 5 so he could have more time with me and telling me that he had Friday free now but I was thinking that would mean he had at least a 4 hour dinner with his son. Was that normal?

He texted, “I’m feeling not so good. I didn’t like how I felt when you left. I never like hurting anyone.” I responded, “Well I was hurt. I also wonder if you were lying to me.” He said, “I was not lying to you. That’s not me.” And I said, “but I don’t know you.” He responded, “I’m sorry for upsetting you. It was a mistake in dates is all. But that being said I’m not good with hurting anyone and especially someone I care about. Having that same person call me a liar cuts deep. I’m sorry for everything.”

I told him that I wasn’t calling him a liar. I was very vulnerable and I shared where my mind went with everything and what I was thinking to try and make sense of why he bailed on me.

I didn’t hear back from him for 2 days and when I did he sent the following text: “Robyn I have had time to think about the other day. After reading the text messages over and over I have decided that I am not going to continue with our relationship. I have decided to focus on my work and just stay on my own. I’m truly sorry that I upset you. I did go back through my son’s messages and in fact he did ask me to dinner on the wrong day so it was not my mistake. However, seeing you so upset really made me feel horrible about myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone at anytime. I wish you the best. You truly are a special person. I am just the wrong guy. Take care, Gord.”

I sent him at text asking if we could talk telling him that his cancellation of our time together and then finding out he had made plans on Friday without considering me made me feel unwanted and unimportant. (I had told him that I had to pick my daughter up from dance on Friday at 5 so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he made plans Friday for dinner because of that) but I just wanted to talk it through. I told him that I was more surprised probably than him about my reaction. I said in one sense it made me feel human again to have feelings. I never heard back from him though. I sent a final brief text on Monday, so I could have closure, basically telling him that he is on his journey, I am on mine and that he was a nice stop along the way. I wished him happiness, peace, health and love.

When I shared with a psychologist friend about my experience she said it was post-traumatic stress. She said that is what happens when after a traumatic event (being betrayed) you have unexpected and unforeseen triggers from a seemingly random misunderstanding. She said that situation took me right back to the experience of finding out about my husband’s affair. The flashback made me doubt Gord’s feelings for me, wonder if it was all a lie, suspect other motives, assume cover ups and question whether he was really working or with his son or doing what he said he was doing. Every lie I uncovered about my spouse and then the aftermath of everything I went through as a result of the deceit was relived again in that quick moment.

Or maybe my gut was right.

adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, loss

Update on ‘Stealing and Giving Back’

The story of my daughter’s friend, the 14-year old fundraising to help pay the $6000 it is going cost for her to travel and compete in a European golf championship this year, was reported on the local news last night. The estimated $160 she raised selling lemonade and samosas was stolen.

The theft was caught on video surveillance cameras at the market where she was selling. Two men came by and asked why she was raising money. She told them. They left and didn’t purchase anything. Then you see them walk back together and one man grabs the money jar off her table and runs off. Cindy’s father tries to run after them and lunges to grab the man but he falls hard onto the cement, flat on his face. My daughter had told me that he had to go to the hospital by ambulance to be checked out but that he was okay. It was very upsetting for my daughter to watch that part on the news. Then the news reporter announces that one of the investigating officers gave Cindy $160 out of his own pocket to help her. The officer requested not to be identified and didn’t want any public recognition for his generosity.

The kindness effect ignites. My daughter told me that at school today Cindy was called down to the office several times and returned each time with money that people had dropped off to support her trip. The news crew had come to her school the day they were reporting the story to interview her about what happened, why she was raising money, her golf goals, etc. and they videoed her in the gym swinging a golf club with the school identified on the gymnasium wall. My daughter also told me that because her full name was disclosed on the news people were contacting her home asking if they could drop off money for her.

The surveillance showed clearly the identity of the two men. If the thieves knew they were being watched on surveillance would they have attempted to steal? The chances of them getting caught and shamed publicly, potentially losing their jobs if they work, is a real possibility. Some people just do things that are dishonest if they think they can get away with it. Would the video camera give them pause to weigh out the consequences?

What if people who were lusting after coworkers thought they were being recorded so that their spouses, kids, parents, business associates, community, etc., could watch? Would that lower the incidents of affairs in the workplace or anywhere else cheaters meet? If cheaters knew cameras were present filming what they try to cover up, would the fear of being exposed halt their deceitful thoughts and actions? Nobody chooses shame and humiliation, the loss of their families and reputation and other fall outs they can’t even foresee. That is why they sneak around, lie, hide and live double lives. They don’t want to get caught.

Some people have no remorse and make excuses to justify their actions regardless. We don’t have to control or change how those people think. This story teaches that despite the lousy situations that we may find ourselves in because of the greediness, selfishness, carelessness, and hatred of others that the universe does work everything out so that what was taken comes back as even more than what was lost and it can happen very quickly.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, loss, the other woman

Stealing and Giving Back

This is what my friend posted on Facebook today:

“On eve of NewYear afternoon, I am getting ready for my long afternoon walk when my daughter calls to tell me, a guy snatched and ran way the donation jar.
Cindy was doing fundraising (for her next European Championship) at downtown Victoria, Almost after 5 hrs of fundraising on cold winter afternoon, the jar was filled and she was getting ready to wind-up when the incident happened. When I heard her disappointed voice, all I could say was ” You have done you part, but may be the money did not belong to you, just come home” and I left for my walk. Its not easy to let go the fruit of action, I was thinking about the all the hard work, making 100 samosas for the event as I walked along.
When I came home I expected disappointed pair dad & daughter at home. But Cindy calls again and says somebody called the Cop and the officer is investigating. For sure such stolen monies are never found, but reporting formalities are a must. The most astonishing part of the story is the officer gifts the entire amount stolen to Cindy, saying he wants her to do well in the tournament. No doubt most of the Police Officers are themselves sportsmen, but the kindness and thoughtfulness of this officer is a perfect example what sports does to build a strong character and commitment to ones community. Sports teach courage, resilience, and grit. It gives voice to the voiceless. Sports matter for everyone who wants a stronger, healthier nation.”

I have been thinking a lot about this story. My daughter and I also experienced theft when we were fundraising for Team Canada. I was so sad, disappointed and angry about the loss (Swarovski crystal sapphire flower pot–$100) and wondered how someone could feel they had the right to take from someone else, especially when it was for a cause and to help a child compete for their country, too, just for their own selfish gain.

Thieves will never have enough. They will never be content. Where the universe gave back to Cindy, the thief will experience loss and emptiness. They will always be chasing what someone else has and feel entitled to use dishonourable means to take without feeling remorseful for the loss they caused others.

I think the same applies for cheaters. How can a woman justify to herself that it is okay to have an affair with a married man and destroy him and his family because she thinks it will make her happier. On top of that, how can she even face his children let alone share a meal with them. That is the devil sitting at my children’s table and they are supposed to smile, share their life with her, be respectful, exchange Christmas gifts with her and pretend she didn’t snatch their most valued possession–the security of their family and home.

I put 23 years of hard work into my relationship with my husband and for my family for the fruit of my labour to just be gone. Our goal was to display our marriage to glorify God. People should have wanted what we had because it was special, not because of who we are or what we did but because of God. We helped a lot of people in their own marriages and were supposed to continue to help others. Instead, my husband gave away the most cherished part of our relationship for his own sexual glorification. Shame on the husband who opens the door for that woman. He doesn’t see at the time that the thief is taking from him, too, because he is an accomplice.

Unlike my friend’s conclusion of the benefit of sport, cheating is one sport that only tears community apart. It reveals lack of character. It teaches cowardice, weakness, carelessness, and debility. It makes us untrustworthy and a feebler and sicker nation. The universe does not give back to cheaters and in the end, they will be left with even less than what they had to start.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, Christianity, Christmas, divorce, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, Love, lying, marriage, promises, Spirituality

The Ghosts of Christmas

The Ghost of Christmas Past:

Spent my 4th Christmas post-affair. I honestly don’t look back and long for the Christmas’ with my ex. We always had great celebrations whether it was commuting to the three sets of parents’ homes all in different cities and sometimes my birth father’s side of the family as well or whether it was just the 4 of us after our move to British Columbia. All good memories (except our last Christmas together when my ex was already involved with Janice and ignored me at his company Xmas party and over-drank and was obnoxious at my sister’s place during our family celebration and then was rude and impatient with me the next morning).

The Ghost of Christmas Present:

This was the first year my ex purchased a gift for the girls to give to Janice. He gave it to my younger daughter to bring home and wrap. I have no idea what it was–something from The Body Shop I think based on one of the bags she left at our front entrance. When she told me she had to wrap a gift for Janice I asked if her dad bought her paper. No, she was expected to use my wrapping paper. No idea what paper she chose or what it looked it–bows, ribbons, tag, etc. I wonder if Janice really opened it up and thought how nice that the girls shopped for her and chose something for her. Something as special as soap. Guess it is Dave’s way to pretend it is a family Xmas where everyone exchanges gifts and niceties out of love for each other.

The girls and I had a very fun Christmas Eve. I gave them their traditional Xmas pajamas gift to open and they immediately put them on. We took selfies on my bed with all the pets and stayed up very late.

Christmas morning was relaxed and fun. I went on a walk with the dog in the afternoon and we went to our friends’ farm for dinner. Our friends said that it made their Christmas table much more lively having us there. We played a game afterwards with presents and came home with a new disco snowman and a disco tree decoration.

The Ghost of Christmas Future:

As I celebrated the birth of Christ, I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. It came in the form of scripture.

I was reminded that for me to know Jesus requires that I share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Betrayal was the biggest part of his suffering and now I know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one who knew me the best and who I loved the most and who should have loved me back the most in this world.

NIV Galatians 6:17 “Let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” That is a warning for Janice and Dave. For me Jesus says in NIV John 16:33: “In this world you will have trouble.” Jesus tells me though to take heart because he overcame the world and I will, too! In this same scripture Jesus says to have peace despite the trouble because I am not alone; God is always with me.

I may have suffered the loss of my marriage due to an affair because of evil, greedy, lustful and selfish people but Isaiah 61:1 -7 lists all the promises I can claim because God “love(s) justice; (and he) hate(s) robbery and iniquity.” Janice robbed me of my husband. She took what wasn’t hers to take. Like a thief, she will always know she obtained what she has dishonestly at great cost to others and at a loss to her reputation, trust and integrity. It is a lie and will be a constant reminder for herself and others of who she is at the core of her being. She shouldn’t be sad when the next thief steals it from her especially because she puts it on display; it never belonged to her in the first place. The same holds true for Dave. What a waste of time and effort and money trying to hold on to something that is just a lie and false security.

Regardless of my husband’s broken promises, God promises to me in this scripture that he will always be faithful and will reward me with his everlasting covenant that no one can steal from me. Jesus is in me and will lead me where he wants me to go. I trust that! My husband left me, Jesus did not.

I know there will be battles in my future but I will get up and get in the ring and fight to knock Satan out so I can claim my victory! God works everything out for the good of those who love him (NIV Romans 8:28).

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, infidelity

Joy to the World!

I am definitely in a better frame of mind this Christmas than last year.

Last year, I could not bear the thought of celebrating the first Christmas after selling our home in any way that resembled our normal traditions. I really needed to do something completely different. I guess I truly could not bear it because God does not give you more than you can bear. God not only changed up our scene but he did it in the most amazing way.

Firstly, a neighbour invited us to Christmas dinner making it the first year my girls and I have ever celebrated with anyone else’s family. Then the next day we flew to Florida because a friend, out of the blue, generously paid for me and my girls to fly and stay for free for 10 days. My children said it was the best vacation in their life and we didn’t even go to Disney World.

This year, I am in another new living space. We have always had a real tree but at the urging of my youngest, I agreed to buy a tiny (still 6 1/2 foot), artificial Christmas tree. I initially didn’t want to buy anything as I am still getting rid of things and have no desire to accumulate anything else. Last year a friend gave us a fake tree in a pot with white lights to use. It was perfect and I wanted to borrow it again. It was apparent, however, that it was very important for my daughter to have a tree. She compared prices and sizes and picked out the most practical one. She even put it together and arranged the lights. We decorated it with all of my mom’s ornaments because that was the first box I came across in our storage area. Each ornament is only red, gold or frosted glass and we used her gold and red beads as garland. I think it is the prettiest tree ever.

My older daughter finished her exams and came home 2 days ago. We have had lots of talks and laughs, the three of us sitting on my bed with the pets, reminiscing, planning and dreaming for our futures.

The girls are going to spend Christmas Eve having dinner with their dad and I am going to church with friends and to a party afterwards. We are spending Christmas day at our place and then dinner at my girlfriend’s parents’ farm. We haven’t discussed New Year’s Eve but we have options.

I feel like 2017 is going to be an amazing year!

I hope that everyone has a Merry Christmas and enjoys the holidays.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, deceitfulness, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, narcissism

Early Onset Alzheimer’s

My oldest daughter messaged me today stating that she thought her dad had early onset Alzheimer’s disease.

Her dad told her that he had given her tax information to his accountant to prepare her 2015 tax return. He told her that she was getting a $750 refund. When she followed up with him asking if the refund had been received, he said that he never did anything with her tax information.

I actually asked David in the summer for information from my daughter’s tax return as she needed to know what amount was input on line 150 of her return for her student loan application. David responded saying he input $0 on that line. This would be a false claim because my daughter did work and this is an income reporting line. He said that he wasn’t able to find her T1 to report any income. He said he searched through all his mail and as it was likely less than $700 he reported the line as $0.

I also had requested a copy of her tax return so she had a copy for her records and as I suspected he claimed her tuition amount. I had asked for all her school expense information as he used her entire RESP to cover her first year of university expenses. I told him that was not just his to claim as I had contributed equally to that investment as well as the fact that I have issues not only with him accessing the RESP without me but for spending it irresponsibly. He advised me that he didn’t claim her tuition but that the accountant filed our daughter’s return and had her claim it.

I asked for a copy of her return so we could verify the information she was reporting on her student loan application was accurate and not just going by his word. He never sent it.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: Betrayal